Tripod
by vampirelover44
Summary: Tragedy befalls the cullen family when one member falls dangerously ill. A tale of overcoming life's kinks as a family.AH. J/Ed/Emm
1. Coming home

A/N: Emmett, Edward and Jasper are three legs of a tripod - brothers. When one them unexpectedly faces potential tragedy, they need each other's support to overcome it. Esme and Carlisle will potentially feature a lot here as well. The girls will potentially come in as secondary characters. All human.

Again, I'm indebted to **SM** for making these characters. They are hers, I am merely having fun with them (hah.)

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**Tripod (n) _middle English, derived from the Latin word – tripod – tripus, meaning three footed._**

**Chapter 1: Coming Home**

**_JPOV_**

I remembered Emmett telling me this, years ago when we were still all skinny and gangly awkward teens. For the dumb jock attitude he was known for – in the past, at present and would most likely continue in the future, he was quite spot on about this. We were a tripod. At the risk of sounding gay, we needed each other to survive. Three lost boys growing up together as brothers. Together, we somehow balanced each others' negative and positive qualities. Alone, we would have been too self destructive for our own good.

I stepped out of the plane and took a lungful of crisp Washington air. The heaviness in my chest did not dissipate. If anything it's grown heavier.

_Almost home. _

_I'm tired._

A couple more hours and I'd be where I needed to be. I needed to be home, so I could think. Things would make sense there. In New York, everything was, just – became – too much too soon. I couldn't process anything. 56 hours ago, my mind went on overload. To say I had been running on adrenaline since wouldn't be too far from the truth.

_2 more hours._

I thought of Esme and Carlisle – my parents for all intents and purposes. I was adopted. Just like my brothers were. I became a Cullen when I was 4, the last one to enter the household. Emmett came first. He was 3 years old and Edward came next - he was 1; that was a few months after Emmett. A year and a half later, they found me in some orphanage in Texas. When I came, mom deemed the family was finally complete.

We looked so different from each other, my brothers and I.

At Christmas dinner last year it occurred to Emmett to ask mom and dad if they were trying to make their own little rainbow nation out of us when they chose us. Emmett had dark features – dark brown hair, dark brown eyes. Edward had the European thing going with his emerald green eyes, Hellenistic nose and weird bronze hair. Me? – I was the classic American boy - blond hair, blue eyes shit.

We had a good laugh at that. _Emmett and his amazing power of observation. Who knew?_

But secretly though, I reckoned we were picked because of our pale countenance. They probably thought we looked too sickly, weren't being fed properly or that we didn't get to see enough sun. Mom and dad were sitting ducks when it came to stuff like that – their personal brand of heroin. Saving oprhaned kids. Too late – even after we outgrew our gangly stick legs and filled out, the paleness stayed. Our common denominator.

_You're digressing. How long do you think you can run?_

I hadn't told any of them. Not a call or email. Nothing. I knew I should probably do that soon. Emmett was going to be checking on me as he always did every week or so. And I'd ring Edward and Bella every week or so myself. It was funny how we had managed to somehow create this "checking up on your brother" thing between us. I supposed it came with the territory, we were a close knitted family after all.

I thought of ways to blurt the news to my parents.

Would they be partial to me crashing their home for some time? As much as they loved us kids, we raised hell in that house for pretty much our entire childhood and adolescent years and I knew they were secretly relieved when we finally left for college.

Maybe I should have drafted that speech in the airplane.

_Fucking hell. Why not throw in a eulogy while you're at it..._

"Where to?" The cab driver asked me as I got into the back passenger seat, my two duffel bags securely stored in the boot of the car.

"Forks please," I leaned over and gave him the full address and directions quickly before leaning back onto the tatty seat. _2 more hours to draft my speech, arrange my thoughts._ I sighed, one calloused finger reaching up to pinch the bridge of my nose. I rearranged my glasses again. _Too tired. _I rested my head against the headrest and let my mind wander instead to green seas and blue skies. _Fly me to the moon._

_Run, run as fast as you can…you can't outrun me.._

When I arrived, it was almost three in the afternoon. Thank the heavens it wasn't raining, even if the air still felt a little too chilly. My body gave a slight shiver as I quickly made my way up the long driveway leading to our 2 storey 6 bedroom family home at the edge of Forks County.

I rang the doorbell and waited. The heavy oak bolted door opened slowly and I caught sight of the beautiful brown haired, doe eyed Italian descent woman I lovingly call my mother.

"Hi mom," I said ruefully as my traitorous hand unconsciously found its way back to my already unkempt curls. A Cullen trait. We messed our hair when we got nervous. Never quite got it why girls always seemed to find our sorry excuse for a bird's nest err..._sex hair_ worthy? If they knew what it really stood for. _Nervous - mess hair. Nervous - mess hair_. _Cullen style _social_ survival skill._ Worked every time.

"Jasper?"

Mom's voice was tinged with shock then surprise and then joy. All that emotion – in a matter of seconds. I couldn't help but grin. I'd forgotten how we used to love surprising her. Before I even registered it, she – the slim tiny woman, all 5 '6" of her, had pretty much pulled me into a tight-lock embrace.

"You're choking me…." I coughed teasingly but leaned in regardless to return her warm welcome, inhaling the all too familiar scent of rosemary lingering on her. Mom always had green fingers.

I caught the tiny bit of a frown on her face when she did a quick once over of me. I ignored it, carrying my bags to the lounge instead before dropping my weary self onto the couch. Already the fatigue was overtaking my will to stay awake. Distantly, I heard mom asking me if I wanted coffee and I thought I said yes, but in my addled – brain state, I couldn't quite recall what I said. I suppose when you have been sleep deprived for over a period of time, when the Chinese sandman finally offers you the rest you need, it's all you can do to take him up for it.

**_Esme POV_**

"Jasper?" I called out to him as I prepared the coffee. He muttered about something I did not hear_. Something about Chinese sandman?_

I brushed him off and made the coffee anyway. He'd probably need it. By the time I arrived with my coffee and cake offering, I was too late. My son was already sleeping. I shook my head and placed the coffee and dish on the table. If he had his way, he would wake up with a serious kink in his neck. I took his shoes off and gently guided his body to lie on the couch properly. My questions could wait till the evening. If the dark circles under his eyes were any indication, the boy probably hadn't been getting nearly enough rest. My thoughts flitted to Carlisle. I smiled. At least we'd have something different to talk about this evening. I leaned down and kissed my boy's head lightly and hurried on to make the call.

**_JPOV_**

I woke up to the sound of whirring noise in the distance and a slight chill seeping into my bones.

How long had I been asleep? For a second I thought I was back in my tiny apartment in New York. Then it dawned on me that I was actually sleeping or _was_ sleeping on the old family couch – newly re-upholstered. A tiny smile crept on my face despite the heaviness I was feeling. _Mom and her never ending home improvements._ Her touches was what made home '_home'_.

"Mom?" I called out, cringing inwardly at how groggy I sounded. Checking my watch I mentally noted I must have slept for 4 hours straight. I was that tired. Deciding it was probably better to get myself cleaned up first; I took the stairs two at a time and landed in my old room; then noticed my bags were sitting on the foot of my bed, already unpacked. Chuckling softly at the busy bee who had done the unpacking for me, I quickly discarded my clothes and jumped into the shower, knowing supper would be ready soon. Previously, this would have been an activity I didn't mind taking my time with; the running water and the act of cleaning itself have always had a soothing, calming effect to my mind and body; but no longer. I rushed through it, while all the time keeping my eyes leveled to the front or looking up towards the ceiling. Distracted myself by scrutinizing the surrounding tile work, even focused on the needle sized holes on the shower head as water rained out of them systematically. I was watching everything and anything but the constellation of purplish bruises painting my torso, my hip, behind my legs. When they first appeared, I hadn't been too concerned; somehow knowing what they represented now made them the devil. And I was scared to face the devil.

_You're a fucking pussy. Running is futile. You know this._

I dried myself just as quickly and threw on a pair of sweatpants and an Old Navy - T before heading downstairs again.

My timing fitted perfectly with dad's arrival. He didn't look nearly as shocked as mom did when I first appeared on the doorstep. Mom must have pre-warned him. We hugged, exchanged greetings and sat down for dinner. I was suddenly famished and had seconds of everything. Most probably my subconscious mind trying to compensate me for the coming weeks and months because it knew I wouldn't be able to hold much food down for quite some time once this whole shit started. I heard chemo did nasty shit to your system.

_You said it – chemo. Poison whiskey. What did Dr. Gray say? Acceptance is key?_

Mom suggested we take our dessert and coffee in the lounge. That only meant one thing; we were going to go right into the business of me being here.

I had to say, I was impressed. They'd been pretty patient and accommodating so far. Nothing too personal yet, just asked about about school and general stuff and I answered them as best I could. I was into semester 2 of my writing masters in NYU. It was the middle of semester now and I had pretty much up and left without so much as telling the department I needed leave. Mom and dad were probably going to ask about that. Having done my first degree in Calif with my brothers, I decided to venture out on my own this time. Did pretty well, my dissertation received accolade and I was accepted by merit into the brilliant program in NYU. Edward was in medical school – slowly earning his way to be a surgeon like dad. Emmett was now based in Texas, working with a large multinational corp since he graduated summa cum laude from business school. That dumb-jock persona was merely a front to get the girls.

"So….." Dad's voice brought me back to the present.

I felt myself cringe. _The eagle swoops down for the killing._

"You want to tell us why you've returned to good ol' Forks in the middle of semester?" Dad went. Despite the tiny curl of a smile on his lips, I knew I didn't stand a chance. He was eyeing me like a hawk was eyeing his prey.

I felt a lump forming in my throat. The coffee mug was still in my hands, the heat failing to melt the icy numbness spreading through my fingers and arms.

_Better put it somewhere safe boy. Won't want to spill coffee on Esme's persians do we?_

I replaced the mug on the table. _When did my hands get all clammy?_

"Jasper… are you in some kind of a problem?"

"I..uhh," I stuttered on my tongue.

_Fuck Fuckity Fuck. I should have written that draft - eulogy –shit. _

I knew that smile was merely a façade, if his immediate question was any clue.

"Are you doing drugs son?"

The words spilled out uneasily. His voice had come out a little harder than was usual. I was torn between wanting to laugh or feel affronted that that had been his first assumption. It didn't surprise me though.

_The way you're looking right now…it would be a bigger surprise if he didn't.._

From the corner of my eyes, I saw mom's tiny hand reach out for his, squeezing it tightly.

Silence answered him.

It didn't take long for the same question to ring in my ears again.

"Are you? Doing drugs?" His voice hardened a fraction more. Memories not too long ago flitted and floated into my head briefly even as I tried to acknowledge the peculiar, gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was a giggle.

_Drugs... not yet but soon. I'll be downing them like chicken soup dad. And this time, you'll want me to._

I hadn't intended to laugh. But it sounded too funny – the irony of it, I couldn't help myself. It only served to make the frown on Dad's forehead deepen even more. He probably thought I was high now. I felt another giggle coming and furiously held it in. I must be mental.

After what had seemed an awfully long time, even though it was only a minute or so - I took a deep breath and tried to look at them in the eyes. But I chickened out and settled for second best and focused on the potted plant behind them instead.

"I have some bad news.." ~_Rumble. Dark clouds.~_

Dad recoiled. Mom inhaled and didn't let go. The funny feeling was all gone now. I felt all cold and heavy again.

_Heart. Shatter. Pain. Shards. Break._

"I don't know how to say this," I stammered; gulped down the feeling that was now lodged in my throat.

"There's no good way of saying this….." ~_Heavy, heavy dark clouds.~_

"Jasper..." Dad hissed.

_Say it. Say it._

"Cancer...I have cancer."

My voice was barely a whisper.

**The silence was deafening.**

I wanted them to say something, anything. I couldn't take the silence now because I could hear the heavy rumbling of the clouds as they closed in. Fast. Just then, I made the horrendous mistake of looking into mom's face. I saw her perfect porcelain feature scrunch up tightly into a ball of pain and in my mind's eye shatter into the tiniest shards of broken clay. My heart broke.

_Fu...ck!_

_~The pregnant storm cloud opened its belly; unleashed its fury. Utter destruction in its wake~_

_Run. Run damnit!_

I wrenched myself away from them.

I only got as far as the bottom of the stairs before it dawned on me that it was the first time I had acknowledged it, said it OUT loud to myself. Even though it was barely a whisper.

_Acceptance is key? Then why am I fucking shit scared still?_

Emmett had his career, Edward was earning his _Dr_ title – Me? I had death staring at my face.

_You're dying. Twenty two and your light is already extinguishing. _

I didn't want to cry. Crying only made it more certain. But the heaviness residing in my heart had gotten too heavy now. It hurt. Everything hurt. And the freaking broken dam won't let up.

I felt their hands reaching for me, turning me around. Warm strong arms pulling me into a hug, wanting to suffocate the pain flaring full blast in my chest now. Dad's chin resting on my messy excuse of a nest hair, mumbling incoherent words meant to soothe me. Mom's tears running down my back as her tiny hands clutched at my arms, desperately trying to hang on.

At that moment, I realized something else. It wasn't just me hurting anymore. It wasn't just me dying. It was them too.

A new pain flared inside of me.

They – my parents, didn't deserve this.

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Constructive comments are duly appreciated!


	2. Failure

A/N: I wanted to paint Carlisle's anguish upon hearing Jasper's news and tie that to his role as bearer of ill news to many of his patients. This is a filler of sorts.

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**Filler 1: Failure**

**Carlisle POV**

I was the doctor in the family. Delivering bad news was an unwritten requirement in my profession. After years of practice, you just get used to it. The detachment – the ability to jump right through the pain and discuss strategic plan of action - wearing the fake smile because your patients couldn't but needed some form of hope anyway.

Maybe he expected me to take the news with the same kind of detachment.

_My reaction was far from it._

When he said it – I went into shock. He barely whispered but I heard it crisp and clear – right down to the tremble in his voice.

_And words failed me._ I sat there looking at him like an idiot who didn't understand a word he had just said.

He wanted me to comfort him - to tell him otherwise_. _That _This_ did not spell 'the end'.

_He sounded so defeated - and I failed him. _

My wits returned only to catch the pain in his eyes multiplied a thousand times as he looked into Esme's face. She was shattered. I didn't have to look at her to know this. My Esme_…_ She lived for her children.

He wrenched himself away. _Anger?_

We went after him. He was shaking like a leaf. This boy – this boy who I had hardly ever seen cry in all his years growing up under our roof. I pulled him to me and hugged him tight, willing the anguish to come out of him. His chest heaved and staggered with every sobbing breath and I clung to him desperately even as Esme clung to him on his back.

Our dignity left at the door, we hopelessly cried.

I've had years of practice, I was used to this kind of thing.

_Yet, when it came to the people that really mattered – I failed. I failed to comfort him. _

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	3. Reinforcements

A/N: again these are all SM's characters. This chapter is broken down into three POVs - the tripod. And short previews of the women in their lives ( or they hope to be...)

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**Chapter 2: Reinforcements**

**_JPOV_**

Dad's face seemed to have aged by ten years the moment he took a look at the bruises on my body, and after listening to the litany of symptoms, he seemed more desperate to speak to Dr Gray. The grave look painted on his face, despite his best effort to mask it should have worried me enough to push him to share his professional opinion but I was too tired and scared to deal with anymore bad news just yet. _He could deal with that for the both of us_.

"We're checking you in tomorrow," he said sternly for a second before embracing me.

"You'll get through this son, you'll get through this."

My throat constricted again at hearing the pain that was so evident in his voice. I gripped his back tighter, not trusting my voice to respond calmly at the moment.

He left us in my room, where I was under strict orders to rest. If I knew dad at all, he was probably poring over medical texts and _googling_ as much new information as he could to prepare himself and us. Mom opted to stay with me; I didn't mind, I wanted the company. I hugged her tiny frame. She needed my comfort just as much as I did. Somehow, even though I couldn't exactly explain it, breaking down helped a little. I felt a little saner, a little less anxious. I was still scared, still worried, but at least I was back in orbit.

We chatted about trivial stuff. After that Oscar worthy performance downstairs, I didn't think I could dive back in immediately. I was mentally and emotionally taxed. I swear she had the worst timing sometimes. I didn't know how we arrived at the subject, and her question took me by surprise. Chicks came up.

_And dudes_. I looked at her in disbelief.

_Men? Why did I feel Emmett had something to do with this?_

I rolled my eyes. Did they think I was batting for the other team now?

She asked me if I had anyone special yet.

_Alice Brandon came to mind. _

_Cancer came to mind. _

_Cancer=1, Alice Brandon = 0. _I winced internally. Pointless exercise.

Mom bit her lip, guilt painted on her face. I wasn't really in the space to be thinking about future partners was I?

I pondered about her question again. The least I could do was ease her worries. And think of brilliant ways to torture Emmett when I met him next.

"I'm straight mom. I **banged** a chick last week," I said deadpan, enunciating the word for emphasis. She was positively mortified at my choice of word. At the rate she was blushing, I was sure she was going to combust. _I was a mean monster_. I had to laugh. She was too easy to tease, I couldn't help but wonder how she survived raising three hell-raisers.

We moved on to another subject effortlessly. It felt nice just talking to her. Her voice soothed the rawness in my soul. God knew I needed that distraction.

"I'm sorry we weren't there,'' she said to me softly after a while, brown eyes glazing with fresh tears.

"It's okay, you had no way of knowing," I muttered, sighing reflexively as my eyes closed on their own accord. The news was still too close for me to talk about it comfortably. I knew I was being a pussy, thinking like this – but when you've lived your life thinking the world was for your taking, only to see that concept violently snatched from you in one afternoon – you'd understand my sentiment.

I had a plan. A dream. A definite goal. I was the strategist in the family - _what would a strategist be without a plan?_ We survived and relished on having well made plans.

The morning I woke up to a screaming chick and a bloody pillow in my hand – I saw my definite plan go fuzzy. Have you ever flicked a channel on TV and seen just black and white noise? Yeah..fuzzy like that. I was pretty freaked out and finally went to see a doctor that day. Why I didn't think of conferring with my brother or dad – I didn't know. Slip of mind, maybe.

I told Dr. Gray all of my symptoms - new ones, old ones from the previous week – exhaustion, breathlessness, low grade fever, the unexplained bruises, looking like a goddamned Dracula when my gums started weeping through the night and decided to paint my pillow crimson. He took down my symptoms quickly and next thing you know I was taking tests left right and centre. It felt like I had spent the entire day in the hospital.

The worst was when he told me he wanted to do a bone marrow aspirate. _Was I afraid of needles? _He'd asked. I told him _No…._

Until I saw the motherfucker he was holding.

He told me it would only sting a little, they'd numb the area and I'd get a line of morphine - I chuckled when I heard that.

Fucking liar.

I bled again just trying to hold my scream down. I was not a happy chappy after that one. And Dr "-it-will-only-sting-a–little-" wasn't too happy either that I made myself look like Dracula again. Something about me already missing nearly half of the blood in my circulation.

Not a week had gone by when he called me in again. He looked weary. I was fidgety as hell and over - exhausted.

"You have AML," he said to me after we'd gone pass the courtesy greetings.

I looked at him as though he'd grown a second head. Did I look like a doctor to him?

"English, please," I said, rather testily. I was feeling lethargic, my body looked like I had been dueling with Tyson in a boxing match; and he wanted to play 'guess what the letters stand for' with me? Jasper and bad moods were a bad combination.

Dr. Gray cleared his throat. I should have noticed the hesitation in his face then, but I was – like I said – tired. Sleep was eluding me...No, that was wrong. I had been overdosing on sleep the entire week – _rest_ was eluding me.

"It stands for Acute Myelogenous Leukemia."

I wasn't a doctor's son for nothing. I didn't know what the first two words denoted, didn't care what they were. But I sure as hell knew what Leukemia was.

shit. shit. Shit. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!

"Jasper…"

_Brain overdrive_

_... Brain overdrive_

_... Brain overdrive!_

"Jasper?"

"Do you know what that is?" Dr. Gray's calm voice finally pierced through my malfunctioning brain.

"..cancer…." I managed on autopilot at last, looking at him numbly. The word barely registered in my head, I was too shocked. I saw his already thin lips disappear into an even thinner straight line.

I had a flash of vision. In it I saw my perfect little world riding happily and speedily along its orbit, and then suddenly, it jerked and screeched to a halt, flipped 360 and totaled itself at the edge of the Milky Way.

I tried to breathe then, but the breath caught in my chest and I struggled to inhale. Dr. Gray was beside me immediately, concern written on his kind face. He wanted me to check in and start treatment as soon as possible - my mind recognized it vaguely - that must have been the _acute_ part of it.

I told him I had to inform my school first and take leave. It would take me a couple of days.

I had no intention of staying.

I went back to my apartment.

Dazed.

Confused.

Angry.

Hurt.

Shit scared.

I stared at the ceiling for hours on end, then proceeded to stare at the floor. I stared at my wrists and pondered ridiculously if I could somehow bleed the disease out of me. When I went to take a piss, the bowl colored murky red. I freaked out some more. By accident, I saw the family picture we took last Christmas – the five of us sitting at the table together - smiling and celebrating. My world had collapsed, but I still had theirs. They were my compass point now. I packed my bags haphazardly, through bleary eyes. I couldn't do this here. I couldn't. So I left.

I kissed mom's head again, reveled in her scent. I would remember this. It had given me strength and courage when I was small and had hurt myself countless times. It would give me strength now.

I thought of her. The woman who took pity in me when I was a wee child of four and showed me unconditional love.

Her pained face flashed in my head again. It would forever be burned into my brain. Seeing that fucking hurt worst than having acid poured on your hand. _High school science project. I still had that scar._

I looked at her. Her mind was somewhere else. _I'm sorry mom. _I whispered the words to her silently. She looked like what I felt inside. Who was I to judge her? She was a mother. These sort of things weren't acceptable. _It must be horrible watching your kids die. _

"What time is it?" I asked her suddenly, pulling myself out of my reverie.

"It's almost ten," she answered and looked at me with concern instantly. I tilted my head in silent query.

"You should get some rest sweetheart,"

"I will." I assured her. I wanted to call my brothers though.

It was strangely comforting to know that I felt more resolved about what to do with this illness now than when I first arrived, or when I had first found out about it.

"But I need to call Edward first …weekly call." I told her then. She nodded without so much as a squeak and made a move to leave, thinking I was asking for privacy maybe; but my hand caught her forearm.

"Stay?" I pleaded. I didn't think I could tell Edward and not break down again. She smiled and scooted back up beside me.

I sped dialed Edward's number, hoping I wasn't interrupting anything. My brother picked up on the fourth ring.

"And here I was getting concerned…" His voice came through the line, chuckling.

"Hey Eddie," I answered, ribbing him with the nickname he hated.

"Hey yourself. And it's Edward..Jazz-ass." He ribbed me back.

Our conversation played out as per usual – updates on his classes, Bella's. They'd been dating for two years, the two. Would probably end up marrying each other. I was happy for them. Bella was a beacon in Edward's life. The boy was too broody and fatalistic for his own good sometimes. I didn't know how I was going to break this to them. Or if I had the balls to.

"So …did you end up in a hole somewhere with a chick that you forgot your weekly brotherly duty?" He prodded, totally turning the wheels on me. I gulped. I thought of the last chick I had slept with. Shit. I must have traumatized her to kingdom come with my vampire impersonation.

"About that…" I started and inhaled nervously, my throat clamping on instinct. I could sense his feelers perk up, tensing right away.

"Jas…"

"I got home this afternoon," I said, releasing the breath I'd been holding unconsciously.

"Forks? What are you doing there?" '_in the_ _middle of semester….'_ I finished his question in my head.

**_I'm sick. Come home. I need you. And Emmett._**

"I needed Dad's opinion about something," I chickened out. I looked at mom, her face remained neutral but her gaze was far away.

"About what…?" The curiosity in his voice was growing.

"I'll tell you later." I answered, the same instant the invisible hand around my neck tightened, threatening to choke me. I struggled to keep my voice in check.

If there was one thing about Edward that I hated sometimes, it was his power of wheedling things out of you expertly. Wanker.

"Jasper Cullen, I am not getting off the phone," he warned. Whenever he called me by my full name, I knew he was going to get pissed soon. Moody asshole.

"You can tell me, or you can get mom for me. Your choice." He hissed.

_Can I do this?_

_Can I do this?_

"I'm sick."

I swallowed a lump in my throat. I heard the rumbling of clouds in the distance again and my hand made a grab for mom's hand instinctively. I felt her squeeze back. I inhaled. Exhaled.

"What do you mean you're sick?"

"Just…..sick…" I murmured redundantly, not wanting to elaborate further. He went silent, pondering – if he should push it or not. I followed his stance, too scared to speak in case it spurred more questioning from him.

"Have you called Emmett yet?" He queried, changing the subject. His voice remained wary though.

"I'm gonna call him later," I answered dully.

"Do you want me to come home?" He asked then, but his voice was softer now._ Inquiring._

**_Yes Please. I need my two legs now. I'm falling - miserably._**

"Uh..You have classes…you can't." I blurted instead, feeling embarrassed suddenly that I felt so desperate for them. Silence again. I bit the inside of my cheek, and then realized it was probably not a good idea to puncture my body parts for a while. I settled for clenching and unclenching my fingers as a substitute.

"I'll call Emm and tell him where you are." He offered. Subject closed. He wasn't coming.

"Ok. Thanks."

"I'll call again. Send my love to mom and dad okay?" he intoned before hanging up.

**_Edward POV_**

I hung up. Jasper was being vague. Fuck I hated that. Times like this, I wished I could read minds.

I ran my hand over my hair incessantly. _Fucking nerves._

Jasper flying out to Forks in the middle of semester just sounded so not Jasper. That man was a master planner especially when it came to his life. Organized to the 'T'. Besides, I remembered him distinctly telling me he was having a big appointment at some bigwig publishing house in the next week or two. What happened to that?

He was sick. _Just sick? _What kind of answer was that? For some reason I felt as though he wanted to ask me to come home, and yet he was more concerned with me missing classes. _Maybe it wasn't too bad. _But then why did he sound so …off?

"Fuck."

"Babe, what's up? You coming to bed or not?" I heard Bella calling me from the bedroom. I walked back into our room and saw her concerned face looking at me intently. I sat down and kissed her.

"Jasper." I said, not really looking at her. Then I remembered I needed to call Emmett.

"I think I need to go home babe..." I mumbled to her again. Something was dead wrong about our conversation. He was pussyfooting around it. The only time Jasper pussyfooted around something was …_Never._

_I was needed home. _I knew it.

Bella sat up.

"Call Emmett. I'll find out when the next available flight is." She offered and started to get up. I pulled her back to the bed and captured her succulent lips hungrily.

"How did I get so lucky?" I murmured through my grin as her hand ran through my messy hair and her tongue darted between my opened lips teasingly. She was a vixen, this woman.

We broke apart minutes later, the need to breathe finally overcoming the need to press our lips together and continue our tongue dueling.

"Ooo..Kay…Emmett.. right!" I said breathlessly and smiled at her sheepishly. She ran her hand over my hair once more before kissing the top of my head lovingly and disappearing through the door and into the lounge.

I took a deep breath, flipped my phone open and pressed 2 - for Emm. Someone was going to be seriously pissed with me for waking him up.

**_Emmett POV_**

"What the fuck…" I growled into the phone and heard Edward chuckle.

"Do you know what the fucking time is?" I growled again. It was fucking 1 in the morning in Texas, where I lived and play.

"Sorry man," Edward muttered, apologetic. I sobered up quickly once I realized that _it was_ in fact 1 am in the morning and my brothers knew better than to mess with me when I was hibernating.

"What's so important that you risked facing my wrath?" I asked, jokingly.

He had the smugness to snort. The bastard.

"Anyway… I got a call from Jasper this evening."

My eyes brightened fractionally. I had made my weekly brotherly duty call to him yesterday and couldn't reach him at the apartment or his cell.

"Well well well….Sooo? Did he get laid? I tried and couldn't reach him yesterday – he wasn't in his apartment and he wasn't answering his cell either! Hah… he probably holed up at some chick's place hey… Bout' time that boy…"

Edward cut me.

"He's at home. Forks actually." He said curtly.

"What?" This was news. _Wasn't it the middle of semester?_

"What's he doing there?" I asked.

"This is where I am not entirely sure. He was vague. He said he was sick."

I was about to make another smart ass comment, but Edward apparently had his panties in a twist right now. He interrupted me again.

"And I'm not trying to be funny Emmett, so don't tell me I have my panties in a twist.."

The next line was uttered warily.

"Something's wrong,"

I pre-empted him. Knowing my brother, he'd probably read into Jas's 'sick' comment too much.

"You're probably over thinking it dude… I called him two weeks ago, he sounded good. And I saw him last month.." I exclaimed, pretty sure of myself that Edward was taking his medical studies overboard. It didn't help matters that we had always suspected him for being obsessive compulsive.

The line was silent for a brief moment and I briefly considered if I should wait for the conversation to finish and go to the bathroom or just take the conversation there while I took a piss. Edward and brooding could take some time. Thankfully, he came alive moments later.

"Have you ever seen or heard Jasper pussyfooting around something?" He queried.

That threw me. Pussyfooting and Jasper did not belong in the same dictionary. He was kamikaze, that man. _Had a mad penchant for planning things, a bit like Edward, but he was still kamikaze. _

"Never."

"Exactly."

The problem with knowing your brothers too well was - well, you needed only a glance, an emotion or in this case one word, to know when something was off with them. I suddenly realized the gravity of the news he had just presented me.

"Did you speak to mom or dad?"

"No. But I'm flying home. Bella's booking the next available flight for me." He stated. If there was one person whose instinct I could trust on – it was Edward. He was pretty intuitive and astute when it came to reading people.

"Let me know when your flight is. I'll text you when I get a seat," I said quickly and hung up. My mind was already going into overdrive, planning the rest of my week – which was going to be spent flying halfway across the country to my hometown Forks, and spending the next 2 wringing the life out of Jasper for making me fly home in the first place for non-life threatening reason. I hope I was right in my assumption. I didn't want to entertain the flipside.

I called the flight centre and requested for the closest available flight heading to Washington. Luck was on my side. There was a 9 am flight out to Seattle. I could just drive back to Forks from there. I booked it and paid by card, and booked my rental at the same time. I texted Edward my flight details, emptied my bladder, and returned to bed. He was flying out on the red eye and would be home by the next morning. I would see them in roughly 14 hours. This was going to be a long journey, I thought worriedly.

My attention was distracted by a slight movement on the bed in front of me and my thoughts shifted back to the sleeping blonde woman gracing it. I still had Rose to explain to. I was going to miss dinner with her parents this Friday.

Shit. I forgot about that.

I looked at my gorgeous baby as she quietly snored, okay, squeaked as she slept. Should I break the news now, or do I wait till it's closer to time?

She was going to throw a hissy fit.

On second thought, I'd tell her when I touched down in Seattle. I grinned and rolled over to close the slight distance between our bodies and tried to get a wink or two before the morning came.

**

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**Additional notes: I realized I haven't given an ESME POV yet (excepting the little entree in the first chapter which isn't much...). This story is becoming more and convoluted in my brain, so many possibilities and not so much time on my hand...work is shit, but it pays for the bills..

FF doesn't pay in dollars, but that's what reviews are for. So please review...it's food for creative spark...so don't be shy!

Next up...filler for Esme - because she is not as perfect as we think she is.. ( ?)


	4. Esme Alex

_Disclaimer: All character unless otherwise stated is SM. Alex is a figment of my imagination..._

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**Filler 2: Alex**

**_Esme POV_**

When Jasper told us what it was that brought him home unannounced, all I saw was my past coming back to bite me in the head.

"Cancer," he'd whispered it so quietly. Like it was a curse.

_It was a curse. **Mine.**_

If I could have screamed like a banshee I would have.

I never told any of the kids, but before Carlisle, I had been married once. It was not a happy marriage. It was not a bad one either. It failed because there was just too much baggage in there to carry. I was young. I got pregnant. I came from a well to do family and we had a beautiful piece of land is Tuscany. My parents could have afforded me even if I had chosen to stay unmarried and had the baby. But we wanted to make it work because of him. My son Alessandro – my Alex. He was barely over 2 years old when he died. He fell ill when he was just under a year old. 3 months of guesswork before they found the culprit. My child had sarcoma. Bone cancer. Doctors told us he would not live long. I was devastated. For the next 12 months, my life revolved around hospitals and Alex. He was constantly in pain. I could barely touch him some days because he hurt too much. His head swelled up so badly from the medicine they were feeding him, I couldn't recognize him from the pictures we had of him when he was born, when he was still a healthy baby. When he died, part of my soul died with him. It was the same for my ex husband. We parted soon after.

I tried to kill myself.

I was convinced that I had passed on the disease to my child.

I took poison. They said it was miraculous. I should have died.

I thought it was GOD's way of punishing me. He wanted me to suffer an eternity for what I'd done to my Alex.

But the poison did destroy something; I could no longer bear children.

I thought it was poetic justice.

I lived, but would never be allowed to harm a child again.

I never expected to fall in love again. But we found each other.

Carlisle saved me.

We got married, He brought me back to America. We decided to adopt.

When the kids came into our lives, one by one they redeemed my soul back – returned what had died with Alex.

Emmett, Edward and finally Jasper.

Truth be told, we weren't planning on getting him. We were looking for a girl this time. But the moment we laid eyes on a tiny spirited boy with curly blond hair and huge blue eyes so full of soul, it was a lost battle.

When we came home with Jasper, it was then that I felt that our family was finally complete.

_I should have never forgotten my sin. I should not have. Will every child I touch die? Even if they weren't my flesh and blood?_

I could not bear to lose another child again. Not again.

I watched my precious baby sleep for I could not. My fingers ran across his temple, over the loose tumbled curls, my fingertips scratching on his arm lightly – just the way I remembered he liked it. I savored every touch. I kissed his forehead, even as my heart bled, and my eyes watered. I was careful not to let my silent tears touch his skin, worried it might disturb the rest he was clearly needing.

Every moment was now precious. Just as it had been with Alex. The sense of familiarity – this feeling of time running out sent a pang of pain deep inside my chest. _Dear God it hurt…._

I heard him murmur in his sleep. I leaned in closer to listen. And saw silent tears streaking down his cheeks.

"Sorry..I..sorry mom...hurt you," incoherent mumblings slipped out of his slightly parted lips.

I gasped quietly.

Was that what he thought? That he'd hurt me??

He did not! Was that why he ran away from me?

_My poor child! My son…._

Fresh cuts bled open.

"It's not your fault sweetheart…it was never your fault!" I sobbed quietly over his prone body now, whispering the words to him over and over, like a mantra. I rained kisses on his head lightly and pulled him close to my chest. I vowed to myself that I would help see him through this even if my heart bled over and over again.

I would not lose my child again. It was not an option anymore.

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_A/N: So..._

_hmmmm 1 1/2 chapters in one day.. I'm sorry, I'm on a roll here…..I'm needing to empty space in my brain to make room for other ideas…_

_But I would love to hear some constructive comments, y'know to improve on the story where I can.._


	5. Silver Lining

_Disclaimer: All characters are __**SM**__'s property unless otherwise stated._

_A/N: This goes out to Laura – I appreciate your review! I made this with your request in mind – I hope it satisfies the angst in you. I like Edward's intensity in twilight and will keep with that..ok I lied. Adding a dash of emo in. hehehehe._

_Summary: Edward's and Emmett's return and reaction. I've broken this into two parts - this is Edward's reaction. and a little of Emmett's. _

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**Chapter 3 – Silver Lining**

**_Edward POV_**

I landed at SEA at 3:15 am. I was tired and cranky, economy seats had never been kind to me. I swore when they fitted the seats for size, they only tested the leg room with a midget dummy. My legs were literally squashed and I was still trying to get the circulation going back in them as I headed out to the baggage area to get my bag. I groaned yet again, remembering that I still had a 4 hours taxi ride to endure before I got to Forks. As soon as I got out of the main terminal, I pulled my cell out and texted my baby to tell her I had landed. She rang me 3 seconds later.

"How was the flight?" She enquired. I groaned. Her tinkly laugh soothed me immediately and made me forget for a moment why I had subjected myself to an early morning torture in the first place.

Before I could even say anything, she spoke again, "I'll ask Gary to take notes for you. I'll call your supervisor and tell him you've family emergency."

"Thank you babe," I said to her. Bella was an angel, and I loved the fact that she was always on top of things, that she knew exactly how I liked things done - ahead. If I was OCD, _and I wasn't_ – she was the C in there. I loved it. The mention of the term made me think of Jasper again. He and Emmett started the OCD joke when I was 12. I had thrown a fit when Emmett made a mess of my CD collection arrangement. _Pssh! I couldn't help it that I was born a genius and needed 'order' in order for my brain to function with some degree of normalcy._

The unknown worry started gnawing at the edge of my brain again.

"Babe?" her voice pulled me back to the present and her.

"I'm sure Jasper's fine…"

_There you go again – astonishing me. _

I smiled gratefully.

"Bella…you sure you not hiding some secret power from me or something?" I had to ask.

"What?" she sputtered.

"You telling me stuff I'm busy thinking about …or worrying about…you always seem to be a step ahead of me," I mock whined.

The beautiful laugh rang in my ear again.

"Well.. somebody's got to… you can't always be on top you know..sides.. I love being on top.." she drawled the last phrase purposefully. My mind went straight to the gutter.

"Fuck..Bells…please... I'm in public." I growled, our session just a few hours ago replaying in my head instantly, coaxing a certain anatomy below my belt to react without permission. This woman knew how to push my buttons.

_And distract you._

She laughed again. Naughty minx.

"Sweetheart, I better go.. I'll call you when I get home okay? Love you."

"Love you too."

I hung up and hailed a cab.

I reached my destination just short of seven in the morning. I paid the driver and hurriedly walked towards the front door. The face that greeted me was nothing short of shocking.

"Edward?" Dad was surprised to see me. He seemed a little jumpy and a lot haggard.

"Hey dad…you look like shit..." I said to him as he let me in. We usually didn't use derogatory language with our parents but he did look like it. He seemed to not have been fazed by my use of the word shit to his face – it unnerved me somehow. I leaned in to give him a hug.

"I hope this isn't becoming a trend – you kids popping up at our front door in the middle of school semester... you know I don't condone skipping classes," he started. It was meant to be a joke, but there was tightness on his face that was just off. I grinned, regardless. We went to the kitchen where he was busy making coffee before I had unintentionally distracted him. He offered, and I took it gratefully. We traded the standard update for a bit, while I mentally prepared to throw my question in the most tactful way possible. Turned out I didn't need to.

"Did he call you last night?" He asked finally, looking at me carefully.

I bit my lower lip and nodded, returning his wary look.

"He told you..." He added then, though it was more of a question than a statement.

"Only that he's sick. He was very vague..." I plied softly.

Dad let out a tired breath and his gaze went unfocused. His action only made the uneasy gnawing feeling inside me 10 times worse.

When he told me what it was, I felt my knees buckle under me. My body had become dead weight as the shock of the news hit me. I saw my knuckles go white as I gripped the edge of the breakfast table tightly, practically clinging for dear life.

_No… No! It couldn't be… It couldn't!_

"It's got to be a mistake dad… Emmett saw.. a month ago..he …he ... fine.." I babbled, a little incoherently. My hands were back in my hair, raking at them frantically. A look that could only be read as despair was etched deeply on his face.

"He's displaying the symptoms Edward. And I spoke to his doctor. It's confirmed." He answered gravelly.

I hadn't meant to, but my eyes flashed at him accusingly. How could he just agree with this outrageous notion? It was MAD.

I flew up the stairs then, ignoring my father's frantic voice behind me, pleading for me to be calm.

"Jasper!" I nearly screamed to his face, coming to a halt at his opened door and very nearly bumping into him. He was about to step out of his room with mom.

Shock. Surprise. Relief. A myriad of emotion flickering on his face.

"Edward?" Mom's voice rang from behind my brother's towering height. I must have looked like a raging lunatic to them then, but I was beyond reasonable thoughts. I didn't even greet them, my mind focused on one thing alone. Before he could react, I pulled at his arm and pushed the sleeves up, then did the same on the other - looking for clues, proof. When I didn't see any there, I went after the hem of his shirt next. My stupid clingy hands were swept away with such force suddenly.

"Are you done?" He spat. I somehow regained my senses.

_You stupid, stupid idiot!_

I looked at him wide eyed and stammered, stumbled for an excuse. I came up with nothing. Shame swept over me.

His shoulders sagged just then and his face contorted into a kind of stricken look. Almost in slow motion, he pulled up the hem of his shirt and showed me what I had been searching for and yet didn't want to see. Purplish bruises mottling his alabaster skin. Words from one of the many medical books I had at home flashed like a marquee in my head. _Suppression of normal hematopoeisis by leukemic cells result in… anemia…neutropenia…..thrombocytopenia – characterized by bleeding, petechiae..bruising (*)_

Oh fuck.

I closed my eyes. _Don't cry Edward, please don't cry. _

They stung with salt. _Don't cry. Don't. It doesn't hurt any more…_

I squeezed them tighter. _Shut up, shut up! You're making it hurt more!_

Tighter. Stop. Stop it.

Memory from when we were 7, 8, and 9 played back in my head like it was yesterday. We had been climbing a tree and Emmett had fallen down and broken his shoulder. I had bawled like a banshee beside him – thinking he was going to die. Jasper went flying to get mom and dad, and Emmett, even in his pain had tried to shush me down, trying to comfort me. I found out years later that both he and Jasper had been scared to hell with my crying more than his broken shoulder that afternoon.

_Don't. Cry. You're going to make it worse for him._

"Hey…you alright?" I heard his voice calling me softly. Inquiring. I opened my eyes and looked at him, noticing now the paleness in them that had nothing to do with his natural skin color. I noted the look on his face. Controlled anguish.

I closed the distance between us and pulled my brother into a firm hug. He returned it willingly.

"Thanks for coming…" He mumbled over my neck. Comprehension dawned on me instantly. He had wanted to ask me this in our conversation last night, but for some reason did not voice it. I hugged him tighter still, glad I followed my instinct. And I willed my tears to stay where they were.

_He needs you now. No fucking crying emo boy._

"Emmett's on his way. We're here for you…" I said to him, as strongly as I could muster my voice to be. I felt mom's tiny arm snake around my waist and lean in into a side hug and I looked down into her face and gave her a smile. She looked like she hadn't slept all night and her beautiful eyes were all puffy. I bent down and gave her a peck on the cheek.

"Sorry I'm late.." I said to her. She pushed her face into the side of my chest and shook her head softly. I felt her tears dampening my shirt. I gave her a slight squeeze but otherwise remained quiet about it.

"Let's go have breakfast and get on with this shit…" Jasper said, almost cheerfully. We let him lead us downstairs.

**_JPOV_**

Somewhere between last night and this morning, a silver lining had surreptitiously crept out from the mass of dark hovering over my blackened world. I saw it. And it was enough ammo for now.

**_Edward POV_**

We were all grateful that dad was a doctor. He had everything arranged last night. We were going to drive to Seattle today and check Jasper into SCCA – Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I was glad to know that Jasper would be getting treatment from the best. It was one of the best centers there was nationally.

I excused myself briefly to make a few calls. Bella and Emmett.

I rang Emmett first.

"Edward," he answered after the second ring.

"Where are you now? " I asked. He told me he was at the airport, waiting to board. _Great._ I nibbled on my lips. Pondering if I should tell him or not. I had no choice. He needed to meet us there.

"Anytime you're ready.." Emmett called through the phone.

"Slight change of plan. We're meeting you in Seattle." I said carefully.

"Why and where." He asked warily. There was no easy way to say it. I decided to go straight to his second question and kill two birds with one stone.

"Seattle Cancer Care Alliance." I answered. And waited for his response. 1 second. 2 seconds. 3 seconds.

"Emmett..."

"This… this is a fucking joke right?" He almost yelled. I could imagine him raking his hair frantically now, and pacing the floor of the terminal, and yelling at passersby for being in his way.

"Emm.." I croaked. I listened to him ramble incoherently for a minute before he shushed down to a shaky whisper.

"Oh God…Oh God…."

I forced the lump forming in my throat down. I had to close my eyes again. _Don't. Fucking. Cry._

"Emmett…we'll see you there?" I asked again, not bothering to ask how he was. I didn't want to, couldn't handle his emotion right now. I was barely dealing with mine. I hung up soon after. Jasper was standing by the door looking at me silently. He strode to where I was sitting on the benches and took a seat beside me.

"Emmett?" He queried, gazing straight ahead.

"Yeah…"

"Guess he freaked out?" He asked rhetorically.

"You could say that."

His hand clasped my forearm and squeezed it weakly. I looked down on his hand on mine briefly, noted vaguely that we shared the same skin tone – an interesting shade of pale – before looking up to meet his face. He was still gazing straight ahead.

"You know… after I found out… I think I went…a little mad in New York...I couldn't… actually I think I stopped functioning. I didn't know how long I stared at the ceiling. Then at the floor. There was just so much…I don't know… things churning inside… I couldn't process anything. I couldn't think…" His voice was distant.

He let out a mirthless chuckle.

"It even crossed my mind.. to cut myself…bleed it out.."

My eyes narrowed dangerously. _People facing life threatening diseases were prone to bouts of depression._ Should I be worried about this? Should I tell dad?

"Then I saw the picture from last Christmas…" His blue eyes met mine. That look again. _Controlled anguish._ _Yet somehow, lighter._

"Somehow I knew I'd be able to deal with this if I just got home... that I'd be okay," he gave off a tiny smile and the glazed pain in his eyes disappeared. I inhaled deeply and returned a crooked smile of my own.

_I saw the silver lining._

"Dad said we should leave now…"

* * *

Citation from

* Stein, J.H ed. _Internal Medicine._ St Louis: Mosby; 1994

A/footnote: Reviews please... who wants to see Emmett cry? ( i know you want it...) or should I make him angry instead? evil author glees...


	6. Flounder

_Disclaimer: All characters are __**SM**__'s property unless otherwise stated._

A/N: I had a realization yesterday – man oh man – this story might take up more time than I anticipated. 6 entries later – I am still on day 2. It's a slow build-up I suppose and hopefully we'll have some action in the following chapters. I hope you faithful readers will have patience with me with this story. It's my 2nd baby and I want to do justice to it.

Just wanted to share a little bit of information regarding the theme of this story. I had a couple of reviews about how the first few chapters have affected some of our readers owing to their own experiences. Two members of my family have died of cancer, it is a wasting disease and a painful experience for the sufferer and his/her family. While I cannot say that I have been permanently traumatized by the experiences I have had with this disease (I was small then) – I know that it very traumatizing to see a family member go through a scary disease such as this. So in a way this is a tribute of sort to those who fought and continue to fight – whether directly or indirectly. In other words – I hope my readers will not take my take of this theme in the wrong way – i.e that I am making fun of the experiences real sufferers are experiencing. This will be an emotionally charged piece and may not be everyone's piece of cake.

While I will do my best to try and keep the medical facts as close as possible to the real thing – I am human and make mistakes. Apologies in advance.

This chapter deals with Emmett's reaction.

**

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**

**Chapter 4: Flounder**

**_Emmett's POV_**

The first thing I did after I hung up was call Rosalie. I had been with her for two months. While it was still fairly new, we had recently decided to step up – take us up one level on the relationship ladder. I've had my share of relationships in the past and had been a little "scared" with the idea of commitment –_ forgive me if I am still young and want to have fun. _

_That said - when you meet the one, you meet the one._

After the first week of dating – I was sold. She was the one I had been waiting for. She had fire – more than enough to kill me if she wanted to. But she also had compassion that matched that. It helped that she was a sex goddess on legs. And the bluest sapphire eyes I'd ever seen. I was in love with her.

I had initially wanted to call her when I landed in Seattle, but after that news, and still not knowing what to expect when I got there – I knew I had to break the news to Rosie now.

"Hey babe," she answered chirpily over the line.

"Hey babe…"_ I sounded horrible._

"What's up?"

"Rosie..I can't make it this Friday with your parents," I said apologetically. I squinted reflexively and waited for her infamous tongue lashing. She must have noted my tone of voice because she didn't launch into dragon mode immediately. I was surprised and mildly disappointed.

"What? No tongue lashing?" I joked, weakly.

"Tsk..tsk..tsk…" She clucked.

"What's wrong..." She added a second later. I imagined her face – creased into a knot of concern, looking at me intently. _Everything. _I answered mentally.

"I'm flying to Seattle today and will probably only be back after the weekend...Jasper's…**sick**," I replied, forcing the last word out hesitantly. _Possibly cancer? Shit. _I couldn't even think of that word without wanting to cry or throw something really heavy or better still punch someone out.

"Do you know what it is?" she asked, carefully.

"Edward didn't say…but…" I swallowed the feeling of dread that had magically appeared in my throat, "I'm meeting the family at Seattle Cancer Care…"

The line went silent. I heard her quiet gasp. It wasn't what I wanted to hear.

"I mean…it could be anything, right? Just because we're meeting there – it's..." I couldn't fucking say it. "They may be treating other stuff right??" I said to her, a little desperately. I was seriously deluding myself. I knew it. I just didn't want to admit it. She hmmm-ed over the phone. Rosie – bless her soul, went along with my denial. I sighed and slammed my hand down hard on the plastic seat.

"Emm… I'm…sorry to hear about Jasper being sick.." she said gently a short while later. "I wish I was with you now,"

I wish she was here too. I wasn't too confident about handling the barrage of emotion rolling in waves over me right now. It was scaring me. Big Emmett – blubbering scaredy cat. Not a good thing. I hated being vulnerable. I hated it with passion.

I heard the call to board just then and told her I had to go.

"Babe…if you need to talk," she offered.

"Thanks babe… I will," I said gratefully. We said our goodbyes and I reluctantly hung up and grabbed my bag.

I arrived at the centre much earlier than the rest of my family so I headed to the cafeteria, grabbed coffee and a croissant and settled myself at a corner table, passing the hour watching people pass me by. I got bored and decided to head towards the waiting area next. Glancing at my watch for the umpteenth time, I knew they should be should be arriving soon. As I was busy trying to find a seat in one of the seating areas there, I caught sight of a bald kid – who looked all about 17, walking slowly into a waiting elevator with his parents or caregiver. I felt dizzy all of a sudden and had to sit down and control myself. _Was Jasper going to end up…like..like that?_ I couldn't picture it. I shook my head furiously.

Jasper was tall, almost as tall as I was. He wasn't as built but he was broad on the shoulder, and had the typical V stock physique that swimmers had. He had muscles, not bulky like me – but defined nonetheless. I guess he was in between me and Eddie. Weight wise I'd put him between 160 – 170 lbs of meat. To picture him looking like that emaciated kid I just saw sent shivers down the back of my neck.

I pulled my phone out and decided I'd be better off distracting myself with some silly cell phone game than chance on seeing more images I didn't want imprinted in my head. It rang. The family was here. I grabbed my bag again and headed towards the entrance. I met them outside. Dad, mom, Edward and Jasper. At first glance, they seemed normal. It was only upon closer inspection, as I hugged them one by one that I noticed the controlled emotions on everyone's faces.

I wasn't too sure how to approach Jasper now. How did you greet a sick brother? Heck, how did you greet a sick brother with cancer? They forgot to teach that in life skills. I couldn't very well use my usual line – "Hey how's it going?" could I?

My face must have looked 5 times awkward because he just pulled me into a bear hug and thanked me for coming. I nearly choked when I heard how rough his voice had sounded then. Like he'd been crying all night. I still couldn't find my voice and resorted to just clapping his back and holding him a little bit longer than normal. For once, I felt like a social klutz.

We walked into the building silently.

We were introduced quickly to Dr. Rodriguez, who was a connection of dad and a senior oncologist in the center. He told everyone that he would be handling Jasper's medical requirements personally. While dad and Jasper went inside his office to discuss matter; mom, Edward and I waited outside. Once they were out of sight, I turned my attention to Edward and mom.

"Fill me in," I instructed rather than asked. I caught sight of mom's pained eyes and chose to ignore it for the moment. Even so, my hand reached out to hold hers quietly. Edward sighed. He seemed tired.

"He has leukemia Emmett." He said flatly. If I weren't looking at him dead in the eye, I would have thought he was the most unfeeling bastard of a brother there was and would have hit him square in the jaw. But the veil of sadness coating his eyes were obvious to see, and I had to look away because it brought the barrage of emotion I couldn't handle back in again.

I rubbed my face with my free hand – I couldn't feel it. I rubbed it again, rougher this time, wanting to feel the harshness of my calloused fingers on my skin. _Numb_. What I did feel was the giant ball of something that kept building in my chest. Then I felt the seat I was sitting on starting to shake a little and I wondered idly if a screw was loose or something and maybe I should have a look at it. It was only when Edward pointed to me that I was shaking that I realized too late the flaw of my observation. I must have lost my mind then because Edward had come down to a crouching position in front of me and started shaking my shoulder. And mom, mom was looking at me worriedly and mouthing something I couldn't make out. The feeling in my chest exploded in waves over me and I was helplessly lost in it. I was seeing them, but not really either. The only image that was glaringly obvious and reeling over and over in my head was the emaciated bald kid I'd seen not too long ago – with my brother's face on him.

_No, no no no NO!_

"Emmett!!" Edward must have yelled at me at this point to get my attention back to the hospital, to them.

"Get a grip of yourself…..P..lease…" He whispered pleadingly, the controlled mask on his face melting. I took a strangled breath in and tried to exhale slowly. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

"I'm ..sorry," I managed finally, choking on a sob that escaped.

"Oh God… I'm sorry…I'm sorry," I muttered again and again as I tried to rein in my emotion. I was failing.

_Jesus..how could I be reduced to this???I felt like flounder left too high up on the shore, flip flopping on the wet sand frantically – trying to get back into the safety of the sea but failing miserably._

I placed my head on my palms and started rocking back and forth in an attempt to get myself back down to normal. I felt mom hug me and murmur words into my ear. Edward's grip was still tight on my shoulder. When I had sufficiently calmed down, Edward spoke once more.

"Emm… we have to be strong for him… Ple..ease," he pleaded yet again.

"I can't…do this myself," he croaked and my heart positively cracked when I saw his face streaking with tears. I bit my lip hard and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Tripod... remember?" He rasped still looking up into my face.

I moved my head up and down in understanding.

"Tripod…" I repeated, chanting the mantra in my head several times, hastily wiping away the tears that had found their way down my own face.

We were a fucking tripod. I told them this – years ago. He was right. Jasper was wobbly right now and needed us to keep him standing. We wouldn't fail him now. We couldn't.

_God. How did this happen to us? Why didn't we see it coming?_

_

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_

_A/N: I hope that did justice to Emmett. I couldnt see him bawling like an Edward could or a Jasper could, but I could see him going amok. It makes him more vulnerable than the two doesn't it? Please kindly leave your thoughts and review?_


	7. Details in the Fabric

Disclaimer: All characters are SM's unless otherwise stated. I am just borrowing them for a psych project ..

A/N: This is a repost. I had to change yesterday's posting a little, as I wasn't too happy with how the story was flowing and some "facts" had to be redoctored - ahem. This was inspirde pretty much by Jason Mraz's beautiful song - Details in the fabric. Not so much the lyrics but the tune I reckon, or half and half. I 've put in some of his lyrics into the story. You can opt to read the story with the song, goes quite well in some parts especially the tripod moment.

Summary: Last day before the battle begins.

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**Chapter 5: Details in the Fabric**

_All the details in the fabric,_

_Are the things that make you panic…_

_~Jason Mraz ~_

**_JPOV_**

The meeting with Dr. Rodriguez was, well, to use the right adjective for it, nothing short of informative. I suppose it helped to know what one was facing. Major Jasper would certainly agree. He was the strategist after all. But 22 year old Jasper? He was still trying to hold his own. He was getting there though, getting there.

Leukemia.

_~Calm down, deep breaths~_

I had an acute form of Leukemia. The monologous kind. No. Wait. That wasn't the right word. Myo what? Oh yeah, Mye – something- genous kind. _Acute_. Simply put, that meant that the devil that was running amok inside me right now and having free reign over my system was a fast acting, progressive form of cancer. Left untreated, I would, I could be dead within weeks or months.

_Yes Dr. Rodriguez - why don't you throw a couple more of those nasty pieces of information to my face? Like I need more ammo to hate this fucking thing that's eating me from the inside out right now…_

Apparently AML affected more than 13 000 Americans annually. Whilst the majority of sufferers appeared to be much older adults, about 15% of that accounted for sufferers under the age of 25. I made up one of those numbers in the statistic this year. I suppose Mr. Leukemia was happy to oblige me this year. _Pull out the pompoms ~ _I could almost hear it say.

Seeing as we were talking numbers, I thought it appropriate to ask Dr. R what the survival rate was. He seemed hesitant to answer me and was taking a while to arrange his thoughts. _What? Was he trying to paint it into a prettier picture now? _I thought rather annoyingly.

"Look Doc, please .. cut the bullshit and just spill it out." I _almost _begged_._ I ignored dad's reproving look at my choice of word. He and mom didn't raise us to be dickwads with poor choice of vocabulary but sometimes harsh words were necessary. Dr. R seemed to have sensed the slight tension between dad and me and obliged me with an answer quickly.

"Alright.." A pregnant pause, while I tried my best to look cool and calm and collected in my seat.

" ... the average survival rate is about 33%." He stated gently.

"But it increases if you take in several factors - like your age for instance, the state of your physical health prior to this, predisposition to cancer, the subtype of AML that you have…" He added on too quickly.

But I was already distracted.

_33%.That's not even like..half. Why did this fucking thing choose to fuck with me? Did I do something bad in my past? Where was GOD in all of this? Did me losing my parents earlier on not enough of a punishment? _Evidently not. The ranting running in my head was making me angry, and I didn't want to get angry.

_You're past that point isn't it?_

Against the wishes of my boiling heart, I forced myself to calm down. I needed to.

We discussed treatment. I perked up a bit. _Of course – Major Jasper wouldn't want to miss this._

"Basically – it's chemotherapy. We treat the cancer intravenously using a combination of antitumor, anticancer drugs … that will kill the diseased cells.

_You heard that asshole? This is biological warfare we're planning here. Just for you._

I was almost tempted to smile at the thought running in my head.

Dr. R then fidgeted slightly as he looked down on the papers he was holding. "I received your bloodwork and tests from New York. I have to say, I wasn't happy with the numbers. I'm surprised you're still standing," He said matter of factly. I squirmed in my seat.

Dad looked at me. Was that S_hock? Disappointment? Anger?_

I imagined Dr. Gray must have been unhappy that I had just ditched when he had expressively told me I should begin treatment immediately. I could have been on treatment **right** now. As Dr. R mentioned, this was a progressive illness, time was of the essence. And I was playing Russian roulette with my life.

The mention of New York brought to mind other issues – I hadn't done anything about school, yet. _Shit._ And that meeting with the publishing house next week._ Double shit!_

Oh well. No use panicking about it now.

_Note to self – sort New York – today._

I returned my attention to the two doctors in front of me. And realized they were still waiting for my answer.

"Sorry…I sort of lost it...after..the news," I responded, a little too honestly. _Would they think me unstable now? Maybe I should have phrased that better. _Dad's hand landed on my forearm a second later. My head snapped up to his face, sensing he wanted to say something to me. If he was going to be angry, there was nothing I could do about it.

_It's ok. No one is blaming you. _Eyes that looked just a tad too glassy and moist looked at me instead. I felt my heart twinge just a little bit again. _It hurt. _

_Thank you. _I returned his gaze with a little nod before turning back to speak to my oncologist.

_My oncologist… _

I was making progress.

"So, what's going to happen now?"

"We put you into induction immediately. Just as soon as we attach a Hickmann tube to your chest, that's a central port where the chemo will feed through. That's going to happen today," he responded objectively.

So according to Dr. R here, the induction round would take a week. The objective was pretty straightforward – induce remission by destroying all the nasty, misbehaving leukemic cells in my system by way of a cocktail mix of toxic chemical which I would be voluntarily feeding into my already immune suppressed body. The bad part about it was the fact that the poison whiskey I would be glugging down was not very discriminate, to put it lightly – it would also kill my healthy blood cells and possibly other parts of me. _I suppose that was to be expected?_ As a result, I was sure to get sicker from this first before I could expect to get better. The cherry on top of this totally disgusting icing would be the fact that I would have pretty much zero immunity for a while.

_You know that invisible GOD approved safety vest we all have? I'd be taking that off of me – voluntarily. It's like committing suicide - with a doctor's approval and consent. _

What this meant was that a harmless cold could wipe me out – literally speaking.

_I could die from a cold… _

It sounded like a joke hearing myself say such things I used to take for granted before. _A cold._

I literally shivered at the thought of what something so lame could potentially mean to me now. Listening to Dr. R hashing out the specifics of my disease, its treatments and complications was like trying to swallow a chunk of brick into my throat.

It was suffocating.

I was choking.

I felt panic rising from within me.

_~All the_ _details in the fabric, are the things that make you panic~_

In the last few days, my feelings, my mind had been all over the place. If not for the strategist part in me, who knew where I'd be, what I'd have done. Right now, it was the only thing keeping my fraying self from totally freaking out from all this information. And right now, it was telling me to not worry about everything just yet and to deal with the consequences when they arose. One detail at a time. The most important thing was to kill this fucking thing that was causing this fuck up in the first place. With that thought firmly in place, I felt myself calming back down once more.

"And then?"

"Then we wait. Do more bloodwork, scans, tests. After a week, that's how long it usually takes for the drugs to take effect, if we get you into remission successfully – we let your body recover, that's about 3 to 4 weeks in the hospital, to keep an eye on you so you don't get any infection while your immune system recovers. Then you get to go home for a bit. For a month I would think, to give your body a further chance to recover from the chemo. We observe you within that time frame, see that your blasts are behaving as they should be. Then we get you back in for the consolidation therapy."

In other words – another round of chemo, another whole week. More poison, higher dosage.

" ...to ensure that all the stray ones that weren't eliminated in the first round are eliminated," he explained. A second swipe. The clean up._ Of course..._

"This will reduce the chances of the leukemia coming back." He added.

Whether he was hashing a perfectly scripted text or an impromptu one, I couldn't help but note his last statement. He didn't use the word eliminate, but changed to a different word. _Reduce._ I didn't like the sound of that.

_Should I count my lucky stars still that there is at least a chance of recovery, even if it isn't a 100% absolute?_

_Would my steps in future be forever haunted with this thing? _

_There would always be a chance of it coming back.. Could I handle that variable? _

_Could I handle having a time bomb ticking in me and not knowing when it would blow up in my face.. again? _

_Do I factor this in now in my future plans? _

**_Do I even have a fucking future?_**

I just about started hyperventilating just thinking about the run of questions streaming in my head suddenly.

_~Calm down, deep breaths, and get yourself dressed. Instead of running around and pulling all your threads, And breaking yourself up~_

But for some reason the lyrics to a song that had been playing on my playlist on the way here reeled in my head over and over.

And _there_ was my answer.

No point in me running around pulling all my threads now when I could very well still afford the chance to wear – _'me',_ perfectly fine. So what if? I could live with a little variable in my life. When and if the threads were to start fraying again, I'd do something about it, **then**. Life was too precious to worry about details of the future that I had no control of in the first place. I threw caution to the wind, and shelved the bad thoughts away.

"Jasper? Son? You okay?" Dad's concerned voice streamed into my distracted thought and brought me back to Dr. R's office again.

"Ah… yeah.. sorry..what were you talking about?"

"Dr. Rodriguez was just saying that after the consolidation therapy, if all goes well, it would probably be in your best interest to have a bone marrow transplant." Dad recapped.

"Those things are not without their issues. Graft versus host issues will be primary, but they're minor setbacks, put it that way, compared to the potential benefit." Dr. R chipped in. I wanted to smile at the sight of dad in his nerdy scientist mode, similarly Dr. R. The enthusiastic inflection in their voice was enough of a proof. Despite the fact that we were discussing my currently bleak future.

"Which is?" I prompted, shelving the observation away.

"Further reducing your chances of getting a relapse in the future, by quite a margin. Many survivors go on to lead long and healthy lives with no recurrence." He informed positively.

I saw the silver lining flashing brightly in my line of sight again. Smiling enthusiastically at me.

_I can see you. _I told it silently. _Stay there. You're doing a good job keeping the dark at bay…_

I couldn't hold back my secret smile then.

"Well, how do I sign up?" I asked happily, thoroughly enthused and feeling more positive than ever. I looked at dad and saw a tiny smile creep on his face. It was the first smile I had seen since the night before.

_Jasper =+1, Cancer =-1 _

_Note to Mr.-fucking-Leukemia, we're fighting you one smile at a time._

Even Dr. R smiled at my obvious cheering up.

"One thing I will tell you Jasper – you being positive is a very good start." He added on hindsight. I grinned sincerely. I was pleased to hear this.

_Major Jasper, we're right on track._

Dad and I had to go through some paperwork after that. And I was taken to do more tests shortly after. And there was that visit to the reproductive department after that. I uh...was asked if I wanted to leave some of my swimmers in the bank for precautionary measures. It was a bizarre however acceptable it may be – request. I didn't think I could…you know...not in my current state of mind. _What were they thinking?_

The next time I saw my family again, I was in my assigned room, getting ready for the minor surgery to install the central line on my chest which would be my main port for intravenous duties for the duration of my "illness". The positivity brimming out of my pores after Dr. R's briefing previously, disappeared out of sight at the reality that I was soon to have a fixture attached to me for sometime, and visible for that matter.

I sighed inwardly. I really didn't have a choice in the matter did I?_ Just another insignificant detail._

"Hey," Emmett bass greeted me, effectively putting the battle of emotion inside me to a temporary peace. I felt a smile grace my no doubt weary face at the sight of my family walking in.

"Welcome to my new home…like it?" I asked jokingly. _It would be mine for the next month or so._

A weak attempt at lightening up everyone's morose mood. It failed.

I saw something akin to anger flash in both my brothers' eyes. I realized quickly they were still trying to come to terms with the news. I had forgotten so quickly the lesson from last night and mentally chastised myself for being such a dick. My brothers were suffering through this as much as I was. Had I forgotten that? A brotherly bonding time was in order, ASAP.

"Mom, dad…can I talk to the Emmett and Edward for a minute?" I asked. Comprehending the motive behind my request, they left the room quietly, citing coffee as an excuse.

With the parents gone, the three of us had a staring contest for a minute. Not surprising. We were guys – display of big emotions was a black hole for us for the most part. I could understand that. Emmett looked like he was having a monologue in his head, I could almost hear him say _when you're ready…when you're ready._

It was up to me to break this silence.

"So listen.."

And just as I opened my mouth, Edward and Emmett decided to open theirs as well. Awkward much?

The awkwardness was broken immediately though in the next moment as everyone started messing with their hair. We laughed. Three nervous big boys. It was a funny sight. Like I said _– Cullen trait._

I tried again.

They were both standing at arms' length away from where I was sitting up on my bed.

"I have Leukemia." I said calmly, surprising even myself.

It sounded stupid saying the obvious, since I knew they were probably well aware of the fact already. But I needed them to hear me say it anyway, to know that I was acknowledging this truth. Embracing my fate. Their reaction was expected.

Emmett's brows furrowed darkly. Edward's face went blank.

"I know it's hard for you guys to hear this and I'm sorry for that.." I muttered softly, recalling with guilt last night's confrontation with my parents.

"You didn't intend on getting **sick** Jasper." Edward responded softly. He was looking at something interesting on my sheet suddenly.

"Yeah.. sure... but I'm sorry anyhow. Look, I know that..." my breath hitched, "... it hurts..."

Somewhere between 'sick Jasper' and 'sorry', my voice had caught again and I felt the heavy pulling in my chest once more.

"And don't tell me I'm alone in this. Maybe **this** – **this disease** is mine, but not the pain in the pit of your stomach or the worry or fear or whatever emotion that's somehow came along with it." I paused and looked up at their faces and knew I had hit the jackpot with what I'd just said. They both looked as though they'd been hit by something unexpectedly painful. It hurt just seeing it plastered all over their faces. I braced myself.

"Whether I like it or not, I've brought this upon everyone, I saw that on mom's and dad's faces last night. And now **you** and **you**," I looked at either one of them in weary resignation.

_This emotional rollercoaster was surely tiring me quickly._

"On the other hand, I also know this," I sighed and raked my hair for the umpteenth time. "I'm not fighting this… thing myself. I know I have all of you fighting beside me."

Silence.

"It's a huge difference," I stressed vehemently, even though my voice was clearly betraying me. I wasn't sure if I was trying to convince them, or myself. ..I_nsignificant details, yet again._

"I don't think I would have the guts to face this, if it were just me,"

It was painful to admit that I was weak. But it was the truth. I would have run if I had to face it alone. I was only stronger because of them.

"I'm going to beat this guys... this time next year, we'll be laughing at this… believe you me," I said finally. I was emotionally finished at the end of my speech.

Silence.

"Jesus Jasper," Emmett whispered harshly a stilted second later. He sounded angry but the shaky tone indicated anything but. He practically threw himself at me and pulled me into a tight hug.

"I love you dude!" He whimpered softly and pulled me even closer.

"You better not fucking…" He stopped himself short from saying a word more. As he pulled away from me, he was wiping his face with the back of one hand.

"Trust Emmett to throw caution in the air," Edward chastised him teasingly and snorted back a sob. He leaned in and gave me a tight hug of his own.

"I love you bro," I heard his whisper.

"You just focus on getting better alright? You know we're here for you." He clapped my back gently before pulling away.

_3 little pigs huffing and puffing at the little house where the big bad wolf lay. A huge fat knife in their possession. Ready for the slay._

_**JPOV**_

Fuck!

I hate this.

Seriously.

_Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep slow breaths. Your tummy isn't rolling at all. It's still. Still as the deep water. Still. _

I could do this. This was fucking nothing…I'd been through fucking Chinese food poisoning – same thing.

_Oh God, I'm gonna.. puke again._

_Hold it. I can do…it..oh shit._

I just made a mess.

God I just made a mess.

_I'm hopeless._

_Why is the room swimming?_

_Oh Jesus… it Hurts._

_You're a sissy Jasper._

Fuck you.

_Sissy Jasper..can't stand the pain?_

Go to hell.

Warm, comforting hands touching me.

Was that mom?

Mom's sweet comforting voice soothing me.

_Mom..make it go away..Please.._

"Can you give him something?"

"It's going to get worse."

_Who groaned?_

Me.

Groan again.

_My body is still. I am not moving. This bed is sta-tio-nary. I am still. The bed is fine. I am fine._

FUCK!

"mom…mmmoo..ve!"

Too late.

_Shit..the floor is all brown gunk..and pink?_

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Additional notes: Thank you for all reviews so far...I'd love constructive comments please! Hate the pace? comment. Too sappy? comment. More Jasper angst? ( I know you want it). Perhaps Edward?click the button below.


	8. Cocktails, Monologues and Introductions

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine unless stated. They are SM's.

Summary: The battle begins - Round 1

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**Chapter 6: Cocktails, Monologues and Introductions**

_Day 3__ of Induction_

**_JPOV_**

Fuck!

I hated this.

Seriously.

_Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Deep slow breaths. Your tummy isn't rolling at all. It's still. Still as the deep water. Still. _

I could do this. This was fucking nothing…I'd been through fucking Chinese food poisoning – same thing.

_Oh God, I'm gonna.. puke again._

_Hold it. I can do…it..oh shit._

I just made a mess.

God I just made a mess.

_I'm hopeless._

_Why is the room swimming?_

Oh Jesus… _It hurts._

_You're a sissy Jasper._

Fuck you.

_Sissy Jasper..can't stand the pain?_

Go to hell.

Warm, comforting hands touching me.

Was that mom?

Mom's sweet comforting voice soothing me.

_Mom..make it go away..Please.._

"Can you give him something?"

"It's going to get worse."

_Who groaned?_

Me.

Groan again.

_My body is still. I am not moving. This bed is sta-tio-nary. I am still. The bed is fine. I am fine._

FUCK!

"Mom…mmmoo..ve!"

Too late.

_Shit..the floor is all brown gunk..and pink?_

"So..rrryyy…" I managed.

The cold is overtaking me. I welcomed the darkness as it swallowed me.

Somewhere in the background I hoped the silver lining was still watching over me.

_2 days ago_

_Day 1 & 2 of Induction _

**_JPOV _**

They started me on chemo this morning. If I had expected that it would be some fancy thing, I was wrong. It was just a black bag hung over my head. Actually, it was two black bags. I supposed it would be easier to imagine I was at a bar for a week instead of a cancer facility. My chemo consisted of the following: the first 3 days I would be having a cocktail party for my system – I decided to call it the 'Chernobyl cocktail ' – a potent mix of _Ara C_ and _Daunorubicin_. Thereafter for the next 4 until my bar week ended, I'd be doing the Ara C neat. And hopefully after a week and a round of merry making with cocktail and neat poison, I'd be rid of the offending fuckers from my system and still be 'whole' and standing. Damn. I'd have to lug these bags with me everywhere I go for the next 7 days. Not that there was anywhere to go here – probably just the bathroom.

I suddenly had an itch to tear the fuck ugly port that was sticking on my chest, again. Apparently, I had tried to do this in my sleep last night. I checked my nails. _Whoo – _that was really gay of me. _WTF with the gay comment Jasper? Stick up your ass?_

Damn inner monologue.

I continued to scrutinize my nails. I might have to cut them shorter – just to prevent myself from scratching this ugly thing off.

I wasn't exactly sure, but I'd been feeling a little weird this morning. Like I was on edge or something. Like someone or something was out to get me and making me all hyper bitchy in the process.

_Maybe it was the dream you had last night. _

I wasn't going to go there now.

_I was okay yesterday! Why was this feeling back?_

I vaguely remember sinking into that same feeling of hopelessness i.e depression when they had attached the port on me late yesterday. It wasn't exactly a screamer like the BMA but neither was it a walk in the park. I felt as though the doctor was trying to pry my chest cavity open when they pushed the fucker in. But compare this to BMA, I'd take this any day. Jane, my nurse said that the BMA was standard testing, and I'd be getting lots of that while I was ill. _Bitch_. She really knew how to ruin my day.

_Seriously dude, you are one pissy man today._

I sighed. I knew this. I wish I could stop being such an ass today. I'd already growled at poor mom twice and it wasn't even 12 in the afternoon yet.

_And you never ever do that. Well, except your final year in school that is. You growled at everyone. _Not going there either. Maria equaled bad memories. Always bad memories.

_Quick! think of other stuff!_

Yes, I was depressed because this ugly thing was a blaringly obvious sign of my situation now. You know those signs you get to hang outside your front dashboard to tell the parking marshal you were disabled or pregnant or something? This highly visible thing hanging on my chest and looking like an extra appendage was exactly like those things – a sign telling me and everyone that I was a cancer patient. That I belonged here. _And probably would die here._ Talk about instant reality check. Whiplash. And I thought I was done accepting the fact that I was dying of leukemia.

_Damnit Jasper Cullen, morbid much?_

"Honey, here have some juice.." Mom cooed. She cooed! I had to force myself not to throw her deathly icicle spikes from my currently icy glares. Mom was being mom, not her fault. _Remember – you're being an ass today._

"What's wrong honey?" She asked, thoroughly concerned by my mood today. When I was moody, everyone could tell. Like I had no power to control or even hide my moodiness. I was worse than Broody Eddie if I got moody. I won't tell you if I got happy though. Oh okay, I will. If I got happy, I was happiness on a spray can. Every burst sprayed in the air – and I would liven up the mood of the people around me. Not my words – Emmett. Ahh yes – Happy perfume by Clinique. I would make a brilliant mascot. _If I happened to be happy that is. _I guess it wasn't just my moodiness that was apparent, it was my moods, period. But right now I was moody and moody Jasper was not good. Especially if I didn't rein it in. Snapping at people was quite standard issue. Being a total ass was another.

Mom was being a total sweetheart by ignoring the stick lodged high up in my ass today. The least I could do was tolerate her cooing. Dad had returned to Forks for a bit and would return in the evening. Emmett was with Edward, they went to the airport to pick Bellarina up. She was flying in this morning. And sick Jasper was stuck in a room with a cooing mom, and drinking Chernobyl cocktail through his chest.

Being sick had its benefits though. My New York story was sorted by Dad and big brother. Dad called up on the dean of my school and sorted my extended leave from school. Emmett had the big task of cancelling my meeting with the publishing house next week. I told him to just tell them I was turning the job prospect down. No way was I going to tell them I was sick with some life threatening disease. Thinking of that interview made me wince, just a tad bit.

_Alice Brandon got you that interview. _

She was my sort of coffee buddy in New York and she knew someone high up in the company and offered to toss my name in. I couldn't quite recall how we ended up talking about my career prospect. It just sort of happened I guess.

Next thing you knew, I had the interview. That I now had to turn down. Wondered how she would take it when her high up friend told her I turned down an interview she pulled strings to get? She'd probably think I was an ass.

_Why are you thinking of Alice Brandon?_

_Because she's my 'happy' perfume. Because thinking of her just makes me happy?_

God I was delusional. I wondered if it was the cocktail making me feel all weird - like this. Alice Brandon was not on my radar at all. No. **I **was **not** on her radar at all. I'd never gone out with her per se. We occasionally met at Starbucks and on those occasions that we did meet, we'd chat for like 15 minutes max, while waiting for our caffeine fix. How many times had we done this mini date? _Seriously? Mini date?_ 3 times.

_45 freaking minutes! You haven't even gone past the starter at that point! Seriously - wake up! Besides she's not even your type. _

That sobered me up a bit. Alice definitely didn't look my type. She was high maintenance. You could see that she only ever wore designer kit. The one time I saw see her in her bedroom jammies, she said so (and in which she looked extremely hot by the way) – it was a Gucci or some shit like that. I'd had experience with HM women. Maria was high maintenance and I was still suffering residual effect from my volatile relationship with her. I steered clear of Maria types after she tore my heart and fed it to the vultures to pick on.

"Jasper… are you going to eat your lunch soon?" Mom's cooing pulled me out of my internal dialogue.

_Was it lunch time already? How long had I been having this monologue?_

I looked down on my meal. Something that looked like chicken cacciatore and pasta. And yellow jello. And plain apple juice. Not too bad. I looked at mom. She looked at me and pointedly stared at my tray again.

"Eat honey..." She said and waited. _Oh geez, now who's got a stick up her ass._ Ugh! I did not just say that about my mother! Erase! Erase! Erase!

I shared my jello and a little bit of my meal with mom. It was okay, but definitely not up to her par. She was Italiano after all and Italian women were all business when it came to their cooking. I wondered if mom could make me some food during my stay here – then scratched that idea out when I remembered the protocol we were briefed on just yesterday.

My mood got significantly better after lunch. Maybe I was just hungry. I had enough moral upbringing and courtesy to apologize to her for being a total dick.

"What for?" She asked acting all ignorant with the fact that I had been rude to her all morning.

"For being an asinine pain in the ass to you," I said, chuckling at her. She just rolled her eyes.

Mood was definitely food related.

Bella came over after 2 in the afternoon. She practically launched herself on me and peppered me with kisses. "Careful," I said, pointing at my port. She glared at the thing without a word from me, she understood my sentiment exactly. I loved her just because of that. Bella and I shared a course in undergrad 4 years ago. Heck, Edward owed me his life for bringing Bella to his. We shared Bella in a way. She was my best friend, still is. She was his love life and best friend too. She fit perfectly into our lives. It helped that mom and dad absolutely adored her.

"How do you feel?" She asked seriously after our standard introductory banter. I noticed then that her eyes were red rimmed. Edward must have told her everything that had taken place on the way here.

"Under the circumstance, I'm surviving," I said honestly. There was no need to pepper the truth when it came to her. She was mature enough to handle big emotions us guys generally couldn't.

"I'm…sorry," she started and her lips started trembling just a tad.

"Hey hey…Bellarina..none of that," I scoffed. She bit her lower lip and looked absolutely adorable. If my brother wasn't with her, if I didn't love her in a way only a brother or best friend could, I would have seriously gone after her back in the days. Oh Wait. I did.

"I'm ok. Seriously," I looked up at her through my lashes. "This is pshh.." I emphasized, waving my hand in the air for good measure.

She laughed a little. And dropped it. Thank God. We hugged instead for a bit. Sometimes, words just made things worse. A hug smoothed matters, comforted things. Bella and I, our friendship was easy like that.

"When are you guys going back to LA?" I asked out of interest. As much as I'd love for them to stay, they both had school and I was feeling a little guilty about that.

"Flying back Monday morning," Edward answered me and snaked an arm around Bella's waist as he pulled her closer to him.

"I'll be back Friday night though," he added looking at me.

"You know you don't have to." I held. I'd told them they didn't need to be around me 24/7. We could speak over the phone anytime. The last thing I wanted was for my brothers to arrange their lives because of me.

"I know.. but I want to. End of discussion." He said quickly. I grumbled under my breath.

Emmett came bouncing in shortly after. Unlike Edward, who still seemed a little touchy about me being sick, Emmett had returned to his old self after our brotherly bonding and my subsequent decree about them not treading around me like I was made of glass. I hated being treated that way. In my place, I knew they would feel the same.

"Dudes...I have good news."

"Shoot.."

"Rosie's coming tomorrow!" He chimed happily, doing a little butt wiggle dance in front of us.

"Seriously Emmett..you're in lurrrve," Bella chirped, drawling the last word purposefully. We all laughed. None of us had met this rumored sex goddess on legs who also knew cars inside out and had a venom of a bite as well. She sounded too good to be true.

"I am …" He admitted hopelessly and stopped dancing. This coming from a man who had issues with commitment not too long ago. And then he blushed.

"You're whipped dude!" I barked and would have rolled on the floor laughing if I could. As it were, I was attached to the cocktail mix and had to stay where I was. Emmett stood there looking all smug about his new whipped status.

"Jeez Emm, stop emitting the love pheromone okay – it's quite disgusting," Edward teased and kissed Bella on her temple, and she automatically leaned into him and pulled his arm around her waist.

"You're one to talk!" Emmett talked back and roared in laughter. Bella turned two shades red and scowled. Edward and I could hardly hold back our laughter at seeing her reaction.

I guess we were finally meeting Ms. Rosalie Hale. It was high time. I just wished we could have met under better circumstances though.

The evening rolled by quietly. Dr. R strolled in and checked on me again. I had asked him about the side effects and he had said that it would usually start manifesting in a couple of days, but in some cases, after the round ended. It was different for everyone. I was silently apprehensive about going through that. I'd be left vulnerable, and I hated being vulnerable.

The next day, it was a Saturday. Dad came in for a bit but had to go back to work again. I felt bad about him having to commute. I made mom leave too, if only to go back home and rest for the day and get a change of clothes.

"I'll be fine mom...the effects are only likely to start appearing tomorrow anyhow," I assured her.

"I'm on Dr. R's speed dial honey. He'll be in constant contact with us, I promise," dad assured her. I had spoken to dad the night before about taking mom home to rest. She looked finished. He agreed. Something about her having nightmares. I didn't press him to share. It seemed private.

She wasn't too happy about all of us ganging up on her, Edward, Bella and Emmett included, but she relented in the end.

"Bella, please make sure he eats his lunch!" she told Bella adamantly and Bella nodded her head in assurance. I rolled my eyes exasperatingly. I was not going to be mollycoddled by everyone here! My brothers snickering at my situation did not help assuage the matter.

"I'll be checking sweetheart…" She mocked warned me and then leaned in to give me a kiss and a hug. She lingered. "I love you," she whispered softly. I relented. I knew she was only worried because I was her son.

"Okay mom…I promise I'll eat my lunch." I said meekly to her. In the corner, I heard Emmett guffawed.

"That's my boy," she added. Emmett's laugh only got louder.

_Well at least the general mood was still good. _I thought silently.

Emmett left not long after to go fetch his gorgeous blonde Aphrodite. The three of us decided to go for a stroll on the floor to waste time. Taking my bags with me, Edward pushed me on the wheelchair as we went around the floor and introduced ourselves to the regulars as well as meet some of my neighbors. During our journey back, we met a young girl. She looked about 12. We found out her name was Maggie and she had ALL. When I asked what her age was, she told me she was nearly 17. I nearly freaked out in front of her. After that, we returned back to my room and stayed put. Both Bella and Edward had been freaked out as well.

I had lunch. Bella made sure that I did and eyed me like a hawk while I ate. I swore she was channeling mom. I didn't know what their problem was - really! It wasn't as if I was in hospital because I had a problem with eating!

I told Bella and Edward to scamper off and let me be for a bit after lunch.

"But your mom…" Bella started.

I glared at her. I would be okay in my room while they went for a break.

She relented. They left with a promise to come back up as soon as possible. I was relieved. I wanted to be alone for a bit. I was starting to get a headache and could use a wink or two. When they came back, they brought back two extra heads. It was Emmett and his Aphrodite. Whoah…she was gorgeous. _How did Emmett find this woman?_

"Jasper? Hi, I'm Rosalie." She said sweetly and extended her long elegant fingers to me. Then changed her mind and kissed me on the cheek rather. She even smelled good. Fuck, my brother was good. I could understand him wanting to be whipped by someone hot like her.

"Nice to finally meet the love of my brother's life," I drawled, twinkling my blues at her.

She looked a tad shocked but pleased._ Whoops..did I let the cat out of the bag or something?_ Emmett started raking his hair - boy was he nervous. From info I'd gathered from Emmett himself, Rosalie was a super bitch extraordinaire. She had a mouth stingier than a lasso and was a force from hell to be reckoned with. She looked anything but, at the moment. I could see from the way she carried herself she could come across as haughty but somehow something told me there was probably a story behind that. There was also that sense of familiarity that I couldn't quite place when she walked in and introduced herself to me. I wondered if I had maybe met her somewhere before but quickly nixed the idea. I would have remembered a beauty like her anywhere.

"I also heard…" I started again, feeling a bit cheeky.

"Yeah..yeah…let's continue with that later..." Emmett tried to wheel her away from me immediately. Rosalie looked annoyed that she was being pulled away from a conversation and clucked at him. Just like that Emmett stopped. I was mighty impressed. I didn't have to look at Edward to know he felt the same way.

"What did you hear?" She asked a little coyly.

"That you were pretty superb in ... " I paused and coughed for emphasis. At this juncture, wide eyed Emmett tried to stop me. He positively reddened and looked about ready to pop a vein in his neck. _What was his deal? It wasn't like he was a prude anyway…_

"..car mechanics..." I finished, pulling my head away of his offending arm.

She laughed loudly. Her laughter sounded like rainfall on a downpour. Loud and clear but soothing at the same time. Edward and Bella roared out laughing.

I gave Emmett my seal of approval. I bet Edward did too. She was perfect for him. They stayed until mom and dad came in the evening. Our parents quickly took a liking for Rosalie. Everyone nipped out quickly to have supper together seeing that there was a new addition into the circle. I had a quiet supper in my room and slept a little bit more. I noticed I was a bit more tired tonight than yesterday. It didn't cross my mind that maybe that had something to do with the cocktail finally kicking in.

When mom and dad came back in, the headache that had begun earlier this afternoon had returned full force. Jane my nurse told me that it was normal and asked if I wanted anything for it. I shook my head. I could sleep a headache off. _So I thought._

_Day 3 of Induction_

**_JPOV_**

When I woke up, the beast was still raging. But it was the other new sensation that bothered me. My mouth was salivating like mad and my stomach rolled. Mom and dad barely strolled in from their breakfast walk before I half stumbled half ran past them and started heaving over the toilet bowl. Mom came up behind me and quietly tied the back of my dressing gown and drew circles on my back while I puked my supper out.

By the time I was done, I was shaking from the exercise.

_Finally! Welcome Mr. Jasper Cullen. _I heard Mr. Leukemia laughing at me as he officially welcomed me to the club.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, I was reaching for my make believe shotgun and aiming at the devil's smug misshapen red face.

I pretty much had a puke fest today. I tried eating. Actually, I was forced to eat. Jane said I had to eat to keep my energy levels up. It was pointless. I was nauseated beyond the point of acceptable limits.

Yesterday I was the epitome of grace to my new guest; today I was a hopeless mess. I pleaded Emmett and Edward to please not let Bella and Rosalie see me like this. I told them to take the day off. Go somewhere else. Time passed it seemed and I must have dozed on and off in between the bouts of heaving and puking. By the time evening rolled in, my stomach had started burning into a low throb from the constant spasms I had been having during the day. But the nausea had seemingly let up in the last couple of hours. I was grateful for the temporary grace.

Supper came round and my tray of food was put on my table. I felt sick just looking at it.

I shoved the plate of food away, almost pouting. I couldn't. I looked up at my parents and Jane and pleaded mercy silently._ Please don't make me.._

Jane replaced my tray and gave me a W_eetbix up and go_ drink instead.

"Please?" I said to her, pushing the thing away as well.

"Honey, you haven't kept anything in since the morning, you need to try…you will need your energy," she said kindly. I looked at mom and I could see she was struggling to keep her tears away. I couldn't say no to that. _Damn those brown eyes._

_Fuck. I could do this._

I forced the bland drink into my system. A few minutes later, I was relieved when my stomach stayed silent.

Then she pushed the food to my face. I blanched.

"Try..." She said. She was not going to move until I tried.

I had a mouthful. Two. Forced a three. Mom persuaded a morsel four into me. I could feel my saliva pooling in my mouth again.

"No more…no more," I gave up. I thought I would cry if she made me eat one more spoonful. Mom relented.

It wasn't long before the nausea came back full force. Added to that was the breath - taking cramp that had formed in my stomach from the all the puking and heaving in the day. I was becoming seriously dehydrated and cold. I made a mess in the toilet. Missed the bowl. I struggled to get back to the bed, the room was spinning madly in my face. My body hurt. I wanted my bed at home. I wanted my old life back. Anything but this.

The last bit I remembered was me puking over my bed, missing mom marginally. I vaguely heard her crying my name out before the cold darkness claimed me.

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A/N: Reviews?

Let me know if you managed to follow the chapter - was it confusing?


	9. My World

Disclaimer: Characters are are SM's.

A/N and summary : So - Emmett's the brother who gets physical when he's emotional. Jasper's the one who wears his emotion on his sleeve. He's happy, it shows. He's moody, it shows. He's pouty, we go awww ( wondered if anyone else enjoyed that visual imagery in the last chapter – I just had to slip it in!~sigh~ pouty jasper is so doable). What about Eddie boy? He's the rock who holds it together. But for how long? And who is his salvation?

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**Chapter 7 – My World**

**_Edward POV_**

We returned to the center just after 7, hoping to catch Jasper in a better mood and condition. But when the lift doors opened on Jasper's floor and I caught sight of mom and dad sitting hunched together in the seating area instead of his room, my heart lurched. _Did something happen?! _I stole a glance at Emmett and saw my very fear reflected in his eyes. It took all of my strength to resist from just dashing across the tiled hallway like a kid to get to them.

"Mom, dad," Emmett called as we came to a halt in front of them. I crouched in front of mom immediately and more panic rose inside of me when I saw fresh tear tracks on her face. I looked at dad fearfully._ What's wrong? _

"It's ok… Nothing's wrong… Jasper's alright…he's resting now," Dad pacified us in a weary voice, but keeping his eyes trained at mom. I exhaled in relief.

"What happened?" I asked dad softly having sufficiently recovered from my panic. I cocked my eyebrow in the direction of mom. She was still bent over, her palms fisted on the hem of her knee length skirt.

"She…just panicked…Jasper passed out." He explained calmly, although it was plain to see he was just as worried. Mom looked up at us then and started apologizing. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry anyone…" She sniffed. Dad was soothing her instantly and Bella kept her hand running down mom's shoulder. She and Rosalie then offered to take her to the ladies so she could get cleaned up a bit. We took the opportunity to speak to dad.

"What really happened? " Emmett asked as we sauntered towards Jasper's room.

"You saw how he was earlier today." I bit the inside of my cheek. We did. He looked sick and in pain. He looked totally helpless.

"Your brother's not taking the chemo well at all, he's been puking all day because of the nausea. I was hoping his body would be able to tolerate the side effect considerably, I don't know why I was even hoping that it'll be any different this time...."

I smiled a little at dad's statement. Jasper had always been the undisputed drama queen in the family whenever he got sick, to a degree - with reason of course. Growing up, he'd always been a little sensitive to medication. Allergic reactions, nausea, puking was not unheard of.

"Anyway… he got a little better this evening... so we tried to make him eat a bit of supper. It... well, ended badly," he recounted.

"We probably shouldn't have pushed him," he gave a little smile that didn't reach his eyes. "He puked all over the floor and passed out,"

We cringed. That must have not been a pretty sight.

"That bad huh?" Emmett muttered, shoving his hands into his pants pocket. Dad nodded and gazed at Jasper's door.

"You're worried…" I said to him. It was a statement not a question.

"If it's this bad initially, I don't know how he's going to last through this… it's only going to get worse," he said plainly. I threw a furtive glance at my brother, hoping he might have a word of comfort to say to our dad, but his face was just as worried as mine probably looked. Dad shook his head and sighed heavily. For some reason, I felt his dark mood had as much to do with mom than just Jasper. Only he wasn't letting up on the mom side of the story. A few moments of silence later, he sighed again and turned to look at us, his face lightening a little.

"By the way, he needs platelets…do you two think you can donate some to your brother?" He asked lightly. We both smiled back at him. Now _that_ we could do.

The ladies returned and we took turns to visit Jasper before heading back to the hotel. When Bella and I went in, the room still smelled fairly strong of disinfectant. I wrinkled my nose.

"Is he okay?" Bella asked me softly as she lightly traced a finger down his temple and pushed a stray curl away from his face. I nodded and briefly told her what dad told us, keeping my eyes trained on the gentle rise and fall of my brother's chest. A dull ache made its presence known behind my ribcage as I noted how peaceful he looked as he slept. _As if he wasn't seriously ill at all. As if this whole thing never happened. _Every now and then though a tiny furrow appeared on his forehead. Like he was having a bad dream. Feeling the need to allay whatever it was that was disturbing his sleep at the moment, I reached down to squeeze his shoulder gently, hoping it would somehow offer him some measure of peace tonight.

I frowned.

_He had to get well. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my brother. I didn't think I could live with that. _

As if sensing my morbid thoughts, Bella called me back to her.

"Let's go get some sleep," she whispered softly and slid an arm around my waist and gently led me towards the door.

We made love tonight. It was rough, raw, primal. I needed it and she somehow understood and didn't question me. I hadn't touched her since she landed on Friday. Ever since dad broke the news to me, to having Jasper confirm it and then seeing Emmett lose it in front of me and mom, my emotions had been all over the place and I'd been desperately holding on to every last thread of my sanity to keep it together.

_For them. For me_.

For a long time, this family had been my whole world. My only world. Next to my parents, my brothers were the most important people in my life. I didn't know how they managed to find us, but by some miracle they did. We were like a 3 part puzzle that somehow got lost in the production factory, separated at birth. If it weren't for mom and dad piecing us together, I doubted we would be the complete persons we were today. Emmett and Jasper were the best brothers, best friends I could have ever asked for. They each had something in them that made me whole. And I knew they shared the same sentiment. The thought of losing a part of what made "us" us, scared the hell out of me. Seeing Jasper beg us not to let the girls see him like that this morning felt like a nail being driven to the coffin at last. It couldn't get any more real than that.

It fucking hurt – this fucking need to act like everything was going to be okay still because we simply couldn't entertain the flipside of it.

I lost it.

Lost my last hold on the thread when she leaned in and let those beautiful lips of hers touch my cold ones. The heat I felt rising from her lips seemed to suck out the poison of feelings festering inside of me. And I expended every bit of goddamned pent up emotion into the act, into her. I was blind with anger, with grief, mad at GOD for doing this to us, at Jasper for getting this sick, at myself for being so weak. By the time I regained my sanity, I realized too late what I had done to her. My new world. My love. My life.

"Oh God.. Bella! I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" I stammered and clamored for an explanation, an excuse – anything. I had none! I was utterly horrified at the thought that I might've have hurt her.

_Might? Did would probably be more fitting._

I was a disgusting piece of shit.

And yet, even after what I'd done, she still shook her head furiously, denying me my guilt –drew me even closer to her, shushing me, assuring me she was alright, and that it was okay, and that everything would work out in the end. Before I even registered it, I was crying in her arms, my soul laid bare, torn apart. She did not let go of me.

When I woke up the next morning, she was sleeping beside me - my little beacon of hope, my ballast. The feeling of despair that had been wearing me down for days lifted up slightly, enough for a little sunshine to peek through. I felt renewed.

We left for the center earlier this morning seeing that we were all flying back later that day. Once at the hospital, the girls stayed with mom while dad took us downstairs to donate platelets for Jasper. On the way, Dad told us about Jasper's possible bone marrow transplant and asked if we would be open to donating ours if we matched.

"Dad…how can you even throw that question to us?" Emmett squawked, horrified.

"What Emmett means dad is that we would be glad to," I explained, slapping the back of my brother's head upside for his stupid response.

"We've gone and done that yesterday, in fact," Emmett supplied, rather smugly. That earned a surprised look from dad.

"Bella… and..Ro..Rosalie as well?" He inquired. We nodded in unison, grinning. We had some pretty compassionate girlfriends. We were lucky. Truth be told, I could understand Bella's reason for doing it – Jasper was her best friend, she would have done it even if we weren't together. I was just as surprised as dad that Rosalie offered. She had only met Jasper on Saturday.

About 2 hours later, we were back upstairs. I was glad to see Jasper in a better mood and condition, even if he did look a little gray still.

"How are you feeling today?" I asked. He flashed a smile and scratched his head. Guess he felt bad about yesterday.

"Sorry about yesterday," he said to either of us sheepishly, but not before telling me what I wanted to hear, he was feeling a little better.

"No big deal bro," Emmett responded for both of us.

"Am I getting me some platelets from you guys?" he asked merrily, pointing to the strip of gauze in the crook of my elbow. I nodded and wondered indolently if this see-saw mood of his was a side effect of chemo. If I remembered clearly, he was pretty downtrodden yesterday and today he was merrily asking if he was getting our platelets for lunch. No sooner did the thought cross my mind before another lashed out at me, angrily.

_Can you not just be grateful that he's feeling good today?_

That shut me up and I chastised myself mentally. I should. Looking back at him, it was then that I noticed the bag of blood he was hooked to, another one. Dad's concern yesterday rang back in my head and I almost winced at the memory. The chemo was hitting him hard.

"Thanks dudes…I owe you guys, here, you can have my breakfast…my treat," he said gaily and shoved his uneaten tray of food to me. I picked on it with the fork. _Ugh_. I was glad I wasn't sick. I passed it to Emmett. He gave it a look and a poke and promptly ate it without complain._ Pig._ Jasper snickered.

I made myself comfortable on the couch and picked a magazine from the tiny side table. Dad was locked in a discussion with Emmett, probably about work. Mom was talking girl stuff with Bella at the other end of the couch. Jasper and Rosalie were engrossed in light banter from the way their faces lighted up in comical fashion. We looked like a normal family having a normal Monday morning chat with one another – if you ignored the wispy smell of medicine and disinfectant wafting in the air, or the clinical and sterile look of the white tiled walls, and the various machines sitting at Jasper's bedside; Jasper sitting on a hospital bed.

"You've got a rash Jazz," Rosalie informed and duly pointed at his arm. I looked up. Small red dots just underneath his skin forming a bruise the size of a dime covered an area of his forearm. _Petechiae. A sign of low platelet counts._

"Yeah… I'm a bit low on platelets babe.." He informed Rosalie matter of factly, and rubbed on the bruise lightly.

"Is it gonna go?" She asked again, her hand was absentmindedly playing with Jasper's curls even as Jasper leaned in on her shoulder and continued to entertain her queries. The light jabs and teasing carried on obliviously to the both of them. I was a little fascinated if not shocked at their immediate and apparent close bonding. I stole a glance at Bella and she caught my knowing look. Only Emmett remained blissfully unaware as he remained glued to the TV sports channel. I knew my brother was very easy going socially. He had a natural charisma about him that drew people to him very easily. That said though, I always thought he was pretty private when it came to showing his feelings to the opposite sex. Not to mention he was fiercely loyal. The 'flirting' between the two now was blatantly obvious. I looked at Emmett again and hoped he wasn't seeing what I was. I didn't want to think what could happen if he did.

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A/N : dun dun dun.... WTF is wrong with Rosalie and Jasper you say???? please review and tell me what you think.


	10. Powerless

**Disclaimer: **Yes Yes...these are not my characters. They are SM's.

A/N: Thank you to all the reviewers. Are you guys still enjoying this? I love this chapter, actually cried while doing it - maybe cause it's Carlisle. He's portrayed as a really strong character in TW ( 2 reasons - he's the head of the honcho, and he's a doctor) but .....I like to think he's not unbreakable. And so I tested that idea here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Tell me what you think and review ( honestly please do..)

Summary: Carlisle realises something. He's only a dad...

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**Chapter 8: Powerless**

**_Monday_**

**_Carlisle POV_**

The boys left today. To a degree I was relieved, especially with Edward and Bella. They had classes to attend to. But it was now just Esme and myself. And right now, I wasn't sure Esme was able to fill the supportive role Jasper needed. If yesterday's event was anything to go by, Jasper was going to go through some highs and lows during his treatment and he would need all the support he could get from his family. I couldn't blame him, wouldn't even think of that. That son of mine couldn't hide his feelings even if he tried. I didn't know if it was necessarily a good thing or not - to wear one's heart on the sleeve. Pretty vulnerable spot, I'd say. Maybe that was why I'd always felt a little more protective of him all these years.

He'd certainly grown into his own person since he left for college and especially since going to New York by himself. I was more than delighted when I noticed this change in him when he came back for Christmas last year. I bet he still wore his heart the same way, the only difference being he was much stronger now. To say I was proud of him was an understatement. He'd achieved so much in the last 5 years.

Maria Torres. That name still brought out the taste of bile in my mouth. I was not someone who could hate a person easily, but she was an exception. She, the woman who somehow managed to snake her way into my son's life in his junior year of high school and in the short time they were together, pretty much destroyed every shred of dignity, self worth he had. If it weren't for his brothers - the thought of what he'd done to himself to "prove his love to her", what she did to him - still sent shivers down my spine to this day. It wasn't his fault – she was evil personified in a beautiful form. The vile twisted stories she must have planted into his naïve mind - how was he to know better? She was his virgin love, but he was merely a toy, a mere plaything for a 20 year old rich daddy's girl, a waste on good college education, trash in other words. Suffice to say, I was livid when I found out what she'd been doing to him. I had to put a restraining order against her so she'd stay away from him. We threw Jasper into rehab. For weeks he was a zombie, a shell of the boy he was not 9 - 10 months ago. It was not a memory we cherished, put it that way. By God's grace or maybe it was the sheer will of his two brothers, he survived that ordeal and came out still standing, even if partly damaged. It was a tough time the following year, I was only glad that he channeled all that negative energy into his studies even if he pretty much barked his way through his last year of school. Gone was the easy loving boy we were all used to, it wasn't easy for any of us. Only when he had left for college did he start regaining the spirit of the little boy Esme and I saw when we first laid our eyes on him years ago in Texas.

I wondered if that was the reason he was still without someone special in his life. Was he afraid to get too attached again? Both Emmett and Edward now had someone serious in their lives and as parents we wanted the same for all of them. We had been silently hoping he would find someone special in New York. I wondered if there was and he had simply neglected to tell us. And if he did, what would that person be thinking now, now that he had this illness to deal with, possibly for the rest of his future life. Leukemia - all forms of cancer for that matter, was not a disease you could cure and just forget like you would an appendicitis for instance. It would always be in the periphery. Relapse was a fearful word in a cancer survivor's life. It pained me to know that this word would forever haunt my 22 year old son's life henceforth.

_22. Would he see his 23rd this year?_

He asked me to help with the writing of his will today, after the boys had left. God, I nearly had a breakdown. What parent could accept the notion that their child might die before them?

My heart broke for my wife. I knew she was taking this hard. Watching her go to pieces when Jasper passed out last night was painful enough and I was pretty sure yesterday's event only brought back memories of her hospital time with Alex, those many years ago. I had to physically subdue her from going berserk. It was almost unfair to expect her to go through this again. But what could I do?

"Sweetheart,"

Esme's weak voice jolted me from my thoughts.

"Yes love," I answered, linking my hand with her tiny ones and giving her a gentle squeeze. I felt pathetic really, this was all I could do to help ease her distraught, her pain. Squeezing her hand like this. I wished there was more I could do!

"What did Jasper ask of you earlier?"

I froze imperceptibly. _Do I tell her? Do I lie?_ I'd never lied to Esme, I wondered if I could start now.

"Carlisle?" She turned to look at me.

Why did I take so long to decide! And.._ damn those brown eyes._

I sighed. _Here goes_.

"He.. he asked me to help with his will," I said as gently as I could. Now Esme was not a fragile woman, even if her size and mannerism indicated as such. She did not raise 3 impossibly hyper kids by being fragile. But now, now she looked so tiny and delicate, I was sure if I were to hug her tight, she would actually break into tiny little pieces. Her mouth puckered to a tiny 'o' and she went silent and looked away from me.

"Esme…" I called to her, barely a whisper. Just like that, her shoulders started shaking again.

"I'm sorry… I.." She started to say, but her voice had turned to sobs.

"Come here..shhh…shhh… there's nothing to be sorry about my love, nothing to be sorry about…" I pulled her to my chest and let her cry her anguish out, even as my hand ran down her wavy brown mane repeatedly, hoping that the touch would somehow help ease the pain coursing through her.

It must have been an hour later when we returned to Jasper's room. He was sleeping and Jane was taking his vitals again.

"How is he doing?" I asked.

"His numbers are down. That's to be expected. He probably will need another transfusion tomorrow, but I'll check with Dr. Rodriguez first. We don't want to overdo it either."

"How are you?" She turned and asked Esme. She had been there with us last night.

Esme smiled a little. "I'm …hanging on," she answered honestly. Jane gave her an understanding look. She was obviously used to this.

"If you want to talk, anytime honey, you can page me okay?" She offered kindly. She reached an arm out from over Jasper's legs and squeezed Esme's extended hand quickly.

"Did he eat this afternoon?" She asked either of us.

"He ate a little bit. He mentioned that his throat was hurting when he swallowed." I reported. I knew what it was. _Mucositis_ or the start of it. Jane nodded and made a note on the chart silently. Before leaving, she reminded us that we should probably try and make Jasper eat a little more tonight, before he was rendered totally unable to swallow anything because of the inflammation. It was one of the more unfortunate side effects of chemo.

It was closer to supper when Jasper woke up. His upbeat mood in the morning had disappeared, and he looked fatigued, even with the recent transfusion.

When his food came, we remembered Jane's advice and I tried to take charge this time around, thinking I could use my doctor badge to make him yield. He complained of feeling nauseated again. I frowned a little. I was really hoping we could force some food down on him._ Without repeating yesterday's performance._

"No." He protested and scrunched his face. God, I swear he was channeling 8 year old Jasper again or maybe it was 10 year old Emmett, I wasn't too sure which. I had to smile at the memory.

"No.. please.." He begged as we tried to make him take a bite. Frustrating did not even describe my feeling right now. He was 22 and acting like a child. And he knew it!

"At this rate, we'll probably have to IV you," I said sternly, hoping he would take it as a threat. His eyes actually lit up, much to my dismay.

"As long as I don't have to visit the porcelain god again, I'll say yes to that," he answered hopefully. I looked at him dejectedly for a second before waiving it off. I should have relied on Esme's powerful eyes.

"How's the nausea?"

"Jane gave me something for it this morning… I'm going to ask for it again. I've got a headache…" He muttered and started rubbing the side of his temple. I came to his side immediately and placed the back of my hand to his forehead.

"You've got a slight temperature," I frowned, not liking what I found. I wondered if I was actually wrong about the mucositis and he was actually coming down with a throat infection. An infection was not ideal.

I paged Jane and Dr. R immediately.

"How's your throat?" I asked, switching to doctor mode automatically.

"A little sore, but so is my stomach and everything else," he said, pointing to his chest, indicating at his esophagus.

Jane came shortly after and took Jasper's temperature with a thermometer. She confirmed my prognosis.

"101.4°," she spoke just as Dr. R made his entrance.

I frowned even more. I did not like the sound of that.

"Jasper, how are you feeling son?" Dr. R asked as he checked his chart.

"OK…sort of..I've got a headache. Sore throat… actually scratch that – sore everything….I feel like my entire tract from my throat to my stomach is raw.." He reported glumly. Dr. R promptly scooted closer to him and checked his throat.

"I'm sorry about that… that happens normally as a result of the chemo. See what happens is…" He proceeded to explain to Jasper how chemo worked and how it affected cell development in one's body.

"We're going to keep watch of your fever for the next few hours, we want to bring it down and will check you for infection," he supplied stoically. He instructed Jane to start an IV of Cefapine, a broad spectrum antibiotic on Jasper immediately, just as a precaution. He was also given Tylenol for his headache and another drug - Zofram for his nausea. He also informed us that someone was going to take some blood and urine samples from him a short while later for cultures.

For the first time since Jasper was admitted, I felt true fear for my son.

Maybe it had something to do with my being a doctor – it probably had **everything** to do with it. Dr. R was very professional in his handling of this news, but I could see the concern etched on his brow. A fever was a fever on a normal person. But a fever on someone with basically zero defenses against any form of infection was bad news. Really bad news. I wondered if my son understood the gravity of this new development. Were I an architect or something else, I probably wouldn't feel as worried as I was now. This was going to be a long night. I prayed Esme did not see the uneasiness on my face. I didn't think I could handle worrying about Jasper's fever and her panicking at the same time.

"Don't worry Jasper, we'll be here monitoring you all the time. The best thing you can do is get as much rest as you can, try and sleep it off," Dr. R advised kindly.

It **was**** a long night.**

By the time midnight came, Jane had come by four times to check his temperature. And each time, his fever spiked just a little higher. By 2, his fever had gone up past 103°. They hadn't found any infection on him from the cultures. He was fed with a stronger antibiotic in an attempt to flush his fever out. He was feverish and rambling in his sleep. I became as distraught as Esme as we watched him helplessly try to fight the fever and whatever it was that was causing it. I had never felt so powerless in my life. I could only watch on the sidelines as my already sick son fought his battle alone.

God was on our side. Just after 3 a.m. he started sweating the fever off. He was getting the chills by then and they had to administer yet another drug into his already drugged up system. Jane was apologetic about it but emphasized that it was good news that the fever was flushing out.

I finally felt a fraction of what my poor Esme had gone through with her first child. It only made the pain I felt for her even worse. I thought I was strong. I barely made it out alive watching Jasper fight for his life this morning. How many times had she gone through sleepless nights of this maddening waiting game with Alex when he had had to fight his battles? I couldn't bear to think about it.

I left Esme when she finally dozed off from the exhaustion of waiting and worrying the whole night. I took off to the nearest exit and only when I knew I was alone did I cry my heart out silently.

_************_

_Tuesday_

**_JPOV_**

I woke up with the worst hangover ever.

What had happened?

It felt as though there were a 100 elephants going on rampage in my head. The light was hurting my eyes.

I felt groggy and ..oh shit.. nauseated again.

I called out for mom. I was shocked to find my voice so rough.

"Baby?"

I hadn't been called that for a long while. I could get use to that again. But she'd better not say that in front of my brothers, or I'd never hear the end of it.

"Hey mom…" I tried to speak out, but my throat was hurting so much that I ended up just rasping.

"How're you feeling?" She asked, pushing stray locks away from my face. I was mildly shocked that she sounded rough as well. I struggled to see her clearly; it was most probably due to the fact that my head was still being trampled by the elephants.

"Head hurts. Disoriented…water?" I asked. She promptly disappeared from my view and returned a short while later with a glass of water.

I sipped it slowly.

"What happened last night? Did they find out what the infection was?" I enquired. Truly my memory of the night before was blank.

"You don't remember?" She asked. I started shaking my head but promptly stopped when one of the elephants bumped the inside of my right temple and sent stabbing pain into my orbs.

"Your fever spiked dangerously last night.. they couldn't find out what was causing it.." She paused and took in a straggly breath.

"Oh mom… I'm sorry…" I exclaimed, realizing that my fever must have worried them to death._ And here I thought, it was just a fever. I had to rethink my perspective of things, what with me having this illness now. _

"We were so worried, we didn't know what to expect..it started coming down at about 3, I've never been so relieved when you started sweating.." She supplied, sniffing a little. I rubbed my hands up and down her arms, wanting to comfort her.

"I'm feeling better now mom… tired, but better..I promise," I assured her.

I wondered quietly where dad was.

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A/N: Do we love Carlisle angst? Yes we do...... please review and tell me you did too...

yess..to all who wondered WTF is wrong with Rosalie..glee.... extra filler chapter for you guys. Review first!


	11. Electric

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine originally.

A/N: Here is a filler for chapter 6: Cocktails … Rosalie's input on after her meeting with Jazz-purr. I have a deathwish, I reckon suffering in the hands of Emmett is not so bad..

Summary: What the hell Rosalie – one Cullen not enough?

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**Filler 3 – Electric**

_Sunday evening, post supper with family_

**_Rosalie POV_**

I must be going mad!

I didn't know what to make of it. Hours later and I could still feel the buzz cocooning me. The buzz that started the moment I walked into Jasper's hospital room. It was surreal. And thrilling. And perverted!

_Aarghh!!!_

_What the fuck is wrong with me??_

I was half tempted to throw my precious Jimmy Choos at the offending wall of our hotel room as it silently mocked me of my stupidity. Sanity persevered and I managed to slip them off and slide them under the bed instead. Best to keep pretty things out of sight until I calmed down marginally, I thought.

I loved Emmett. There was no doubting that_. Really? You sure? _

Sure, he was an imbecile a lot of times. And he annoyed me a lot. But in a weird way even the all–and–mighty Rosalie in me couldn't explain, even those things endeared him to me. He was even more perfect with all that imperfection added to him. I had been looking for the wrong things in men ever since I discovered that horniness and hormones were fraternal twins and that I liked pleasing them both, a lot. I couldn't help it that I was a guy magnet, really. I played boys. I was a bitch. I accepted that. And I suppose karma decided to bite me in the back end early in life for my terrible deeds.

I fell in love._ Karma you say? Yep._ Royce Channing. He was 23, I was 18. He screwed me royally. I never told anyone about why we broke up. GBH and booze. Gang banged like I was a street tramp. I learnt a little too late money didn't buy class. Pedigree didn't mean shit if you didn't have the manners to go with it. I should have noted all of that in Royce fucking Channing. Did I mention he screwed me royally? I couldn't trust men after that. I still played, yes. I couldn't disappoint my double H you see. But the moment I started forming any kind of attachment – I was up and gone for miles. Trusting men was something I've had to re learn over the last couple of years. It was hard letting your guard down once it was mortared solid around you. I'd seen a couple of decent, honest, husband material men run miles from me because of this. I didn't blame them.

And then there was Emmett - all 6'4, 200lbs of solid polar bear cuteness of him. I thought he was weird at first. Handsome, YES. You couldn't deny those brown eyes even if you were Xena the warrior princess and Gabrielle was eye fucking you on the side. But he was off the charts with his ADHD antics. One moment he was making me feel all gooey inside and the next driving me up the wall fuming with his neanderthal comments.

He called me ballsy. Heh. I was and for good reasons too. I told him that he had better start running because I was going to squeeze his balls so tight and he wasn't going to like it one bit. He challenged me. Damn that man. To say it was amazing didn't quite describe it. It was Fucking Amazing – Capitalized. Lightning bolts and thunders. I was the storm, - he was the storm chaser. He put up with my shit. Willingly allowed himself to be swept up in my shit. And laughed at my face when I tried to uproot him, unlatch him from me. Scare me he said. Try. Truth was, he was the one who was ballsy. I was just hiding behind my Rosie fucking dragon claws. And he loved me even with them on.

It was undeniable. I loved Emmett like he was my very air.

_Jasper. _

Fuck. Why was I thinking of the wrong Cullen?

_Emmett. Emmett. Emmett. Emmett_

Maybe if I chanted his name 100 times a day and burned it permanently in my head with my flat iron…

_JASPER._

Aargh!!!No!

_Electric. There was electric. Spark plug electric. _

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Yes my dear Watson, interesting observation there…"

_That…that was undeniable. You felt it._

I felt "spark" – the electric kind, pass through me when our fingers briefly touched this afternoon. It freaked the hell out of me the moment I felt it and I pulled my hand away immediately – expertly done of course. But then I must have fried my brain because I leaned down to kiss him on his cheek instead! _Oh Jesus, Joseph, and Mary and all that's holy! _To say that I felt my lips were swollen for the better part of the day was not an exaggeration. It was electrifyingly scary.

Oh God...is karma trying to get back at me again?

_************_

_Monday_

I looked at Emmett worriedly. Did he notice? Wait. Did anyone else notice?

_What? That you were openly flirting with your boyfriend's brother - who happens to be really sick?? _

_Oh No. No. No. No. NO.!!!!_

I was going to screw this with Emmett. I was going to screw this with Jasper too…Jesus I couldn't do that. I wasn't capable of that was I? Messing with a sick boy's feelings?

_You're capable of many nasty things preciousss._

I already did. I was flirting with him this morning wasn't I? I looked at my fingers – why in the dang did they have to latch themselves around Jasper's pretty curls like that? Why did I kiss his mop of a head like that?

_To encourage him my dear. Did you miss the fact that he practically leaned on your shoulder? Bait. Hook. Line. Sinker._

Oh Shit!!!

There had to be another explanation to this weirdness. There had to be. I couldn't be attracted to Jasper Cullen. I couldn't.

_Thou shalt not entertain this notion!_

_Emmett. Jasper. Emmett. Jasper. Emmett! Emmett! Emmett!!_

It's Emmett Cullen! I'm in love with Emmett Cullen! Shut up you stupid karma bitch!

_Boo boo kitty kitty fuck. Are we angry?_

* * *

A/N: Please give me your thoughts. I'd love to get ideas how your guys think this will go or should go....


	12. Alice from Wonderland

Disclaimer: Characters are originally SM's.

A/N: The last few reviews received were sooo wonderful. Oh Thank you thank you thank you. I was dead tired last night, but after getting such good responses from you guys, I couldn't disappoint and had to try my best.:-)). I pretty much have like 5 stories playing in my head at one go, each raring to be written out. As it were, I only have a pair of hands so would have to write them one by one....

Summary: This is an introduction to Alice.

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**Chapter 9: Alice from Wonderland?**

_Friday_

**Bella POV**

I was busy trying to navigate my way through the mass of foot traffic - travelers, would be travelers, well wishers, and what not thronging LAX after having said goodbye to Edward. He was heading back to Seattle. It had been only four days since we last saw Jasper, and already there were 2 emergencies. Fever on both occasions. Thankfully the latest one wasn't as bad as the first. But it was enough for Carlisle to make the calls to Edward and Emmett regardless. Neither of us slept a wink on Monday through to Tuesday morning. It was all we could do to not just climb into the phone and transport ourselves to Seattle. We clung to it like it was dear life waiting for the latest news from Carlisle or Esme. When he finally called again just before dawn to let us know that Jasper was finally in the clear, Edward told me he thought Carlisle had sounded hoarse. Had he been crying? I wouldn't doubt it.

We had a long chat that night as we waited for news – we'd both come to the conclusion that for the next 6 months at least or however long it would take Jasper to beat this cancer crap, our lives would be changed to fit Jasper's, whether we or he liked it or not.

It was a bitter pill to swallow – to not have control over one's life like this.

I was sure Jasper felt ten times worse than all of us. The truth was simple – Jasper's life hung by a thread. Overdramatizing? I wish I was. But fact was fact – and the fact was – at any given day, Jasper could fall ill from his lack of immunity, and at any given day, his illness could prove fatal. It was as if he'd given the highly complex remote control of his entire fucking life into the hands of a toddler and told it to go play with it.

When a simple fever could mean death, priorities changed. And there was not a doubt in everyone's mind that Jasper's current situation was a bigger priority than everything else. Family always came first for the Cullens – it was one of the reasons why I was so endeared to them.

Don't misunderstand, I wasn't complaining. Heck, if I didn't have this stupid term paper to finish – if only I'd done it three weeks ago as I planned instead of procrastinating, I'd be flying back to Seattle with Edward right now. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my best friend, and I wanted to be there for Edward as well. I knew he needed me – he wasn't as held together as he put himself out to be. He was just as much an emotional train wreck as the rest of his family when it came to this. I just prayed this next few days would sail smoothly for everyone. Jasper's first round of chemo ended last night. In about four days, they'd find out if the chemo was successful. Until then, it was a waiting game.

"Bella Swan?" "Bella!"

I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I hadn't registered that somewhere behind me, my name was being called repeatedly.

"Isabella Marie SWAN!"

_Until that._

My head whipped round so fast I was sure I would be feeling the whiplash days later. The rest of my clumsy body followed as I whirled around on the balls of my feet and turned to the direction of the voice.

Standing hands akimbo – maybe she was posing, she looked like it; was a tiny girl- woman dressed to the nines in what could only be designer garb. She looked like she just popped out of a Luella advert- very high country and oh so put together without the cheapiness of Paris Hilton. She was distracted again and I took the chance to do a quick take of this no doubt beautiful stranger. Whoa – 4 inch platforms – how'd she managed that?! She was trying to realign the wheels of the trolley, which by the way was piled high with 3 massive luggage screaming "I'm designer made" on them as well. As I my eyes was busy doing the visual uptake, my brain was busy flipping through the obviously outdated names registry in my head – I think I was still using the old rolling card instead of a powerful computer operating system; frantically trying to remember where or how in the heavens I could have possibly crossed paths with this person. _I mean, just look at her and look at me! _Poles apart. The only possible way I could think of ever meeting her was a parallel universe – she on one and me on another. We just happened to be on the same point on different planes. Kinda like saying hi to each other through an open window.

I started freaking out when she 'swan- laked' across our distance – _elegantly, on 4 inch heels! _to come to a stop a few inches from me. I could only gawk at her impressive display of balance, if it were me, I would have probably already broken my ankle or something.

"Bella, Bella, Bella" she tut tutted and pushed her oversized glasses up her twiggy-esque, jagged but stylishly cut short jet black hair. Huge, pretty gray eyes looked at me gleefully. She wasn't going to help me with this?!

"errr….." I stammered, scratching my head in futility.

"You don't remember do you?" she asked, her voice ringing teasingly as she pulled her sunnies off and twirled them like a baton on one hand

I shook my head. My foot was obviously still lodged in my throat because I still hadn't spoken yet. The stammering didn't really count.

She sighed and then lighted up.

"Summer 1999 – Volterra, Italy?" she prompted, sticking her cute pointy chin out and wiggling her eyebrows

My brows furrowed. I remembered that Holiday. I was 12 and mom and I had gone to Italy for the summer holidays. Back in the days when it was still just her and me. I had found a friend in the little ancient city, but ..but…

"Alice from wonderland?" I issued unsurely. I looked into her eyes again, and then everything just clicked.

" Oh my GOD!!! Alice! Alice Brandon..it's you! Oh my God!!!" I erupted and squealed and promptly threw my arms around her excitedly. She laughed and joined my enthusiasm for a bit before pushing me slightly off of her, we were in danger of stumbling into a heap of tangled legs on the dirty LAX floor.

"Okay Okay, Ms Bella Swan – here I thought I was the exuberant one," she teased and giggled.

I had the decency to blush.

" But ..you look so different!" I exclaimed again. I wasn't exaggerating really.

"Well Honey, 10 years is a long time – braces," she pointed to her set of perfect molars," new do, makeup, boobs – thank GOD," she paused and rolled her eyes for emphasis. I had to laugh. "Although somethings stayed – like my height," she pointed down with one index finger at her apparent lack of height.

" and…"

" your ever present sense of style," I finished.

"You remember!!!!" she whooped excitedly. It was her favorite statement then. And apparently still.

I was still brimming with joy as I helped push her massive trolley out from the terminal.

"Where are you going?" I asked pointing at all her luggage.

"Heading back to Milan," she sighed. I sagged a bit. I was kind of hoping she was staying.

" But I've got 2 days to spare before my connecting flight - I need to do a bit of rodeo drive shopping first…." She chirped and pushed the heavy trolley. Why wasn't I surprised?

" Are you running off somewhere?" she asked as we hailed a cab. Turns out she was staying close to where I was. I shook my head, ignoring the term paper I was supposed to be doing soon.

" Great, why don't you come to my hotel, let me change and then we can go have coffee or something?" she suggested. I nodded my head and grinned.

" Great! We've so much to chat about!" she beamed and slunk into the cab.

I met Alice in Italy 10 years ago. Her family was based there. My mother had decided to follow this tour of ancient cities in the last leg of our 2 month holiday. It had started off nicely, but soon I got bored. I was 12, and not quite in the space to be wanting to immerse myself in foreign and ancient "cultures" or old architectures yet. Volterra was one of the cities we ended up in. It was a beautiful little city, not quite as touristy as Amalfi itself, but it sat in the Amalfi coast as well so we were very close to the sea. I was busy meandering in one of the boutique shops there while mom was shopping for some souvenir when I bumped into her. Turned out she was also on holiday, with her family. I couldn't remember now how it happened, but mom and I ended up being their guest for 10 days in Volterra. They had a holiday home there. Alice's dad was the vice consul general at the consulate in Naples. It was the best 10 days of my entire year.

When I told her she looked different, I meant it. She was as always graceful, perhaps growing up with a sculpture artist for a mother and a high ranking officer for a father - poise and elegance came naturally. Childlike would fit her description then – she was tiny, flat chested, stick legs and straight as a board. Her hair then was long and reached just beyond her waist, it was a gorgeous color of silk spun brown. Her one accessory then had been an Alice band on her beautiful head, the colors changed on a daily basis, but she never went without one. Hence the tem Alice from Wonderland, wonderland being Volterra itself. The one night just a few days before we left, we stole away from the house and went midnight swimming in a secret cove just a few hundred yards away from the house. We stumbled upon a young couple in love in the midst of err..you know, and we ended up watching them declare love to each other. I know, it sounded so perverted that we stayed to watch, like it was a movie or something - but it was the most romantic thing EVER. Suffice to say, that incident shaped my view of romance and happily ever after forever. I bet it did hers to. We were hopeless. Romantics. I mean.

I had no idea how we lost touch, I supposed high school had something to do with it, the distance was another. The last letter we exchanged, her family had moved to Sweden on a new posting.

And now she was here!

****

"So tell tell!!" she exclaimed as she sipped her chai latte.

I knew what she was asking for. I paused and sipped my chococcino slowly. She drummed her perfectly manicured nails on the table impatiently.

" so yeah..I've been dating this guy for over two years now.." I furnished, blushing a little.  
"This guy being?"

" Edward..Edward Cullen." I said, blushing even more. Damn. I couldn't believe I was still capable of blushing at the mention of Edward's name. I was 22 for heaven's sake. I saw her brows furrow perceptibly for a moment before it flattened out again.

" Wow…so is he like..hot in the sack??"

I balked in embarrassment. Alice might've grown up poised and elegant, but her mouth could be pretty uncensored at times. She tended to speak her mind as they came.  
"ahh..uhh…hmm…" I decided to just nod this time. She squealed Alice style.

" I'm so happy for you!!!!!" she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me excitedly.

"And you?" I laughed as we pulled away again

She straightened. And shook her head wistfully for a second.

"Remember I told you about the boy in my dreams?" she asked pensively.

I struggled to get my bearings on her story right for a minute, but remembered it soon it enough.

"Yes? You're not still hanging on to that idea are you?" I asked, a little shocked. She had told me that she used to have this dream of a boy with curly hair and the darkest, deepest blue eyes. When I pressed her for more detail then, being the girl on the cusp of puberty and therefore boys, then – she simply told me that that was all she had really. The back of his head – curls in sight, golden blond or muddy brown , whatever it was, and the deepest blue eyes.

"To tell you the truth, I never actually paid attention to it…" she said sighing. She proceeded to tell me all the boys and men she'd dated. Geez, this woman was, for lack of a better word – feral.

"After sometime, you get tired of the game though.. I mean, I still remember the night at the cove.. GOSH.. I still dream of that one day…you think that's silly?" she beamed dreamily. I beamed with her. I had Edward. I was the luckier one.

"Yeah.. I hope Edward will be that for me one day," I admitted shamelessly. That was the truth really. I knew we were still young and Edward still had years of schooling before he could be what he'd always aspired to be. Whoever said age had anything to do with finding the one anyway? He was the one for me, I knew it with every fiber of my being.

She turned to me.

"He's a Cullen you say?" she asked, her singing voice tinged with an edge of perky.

"Uhuh," I mumbled my answer to her, still lost in my daydream of Edward and myself, in the very same cove, doing very uhmm…..wicked, naughty things..to each other…

"Bells, does he by any chance have a relative in New York?"

My head turned to face her expressive, curious orbs slowly.

............

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A/N: Just a fore warning, the next few chapters will be going back and forth in across the timeline. I'll obviously note the day/days on each chapters to allay the confusion. One of the good things about writing in different POVS is that you can actually ignore the timeline and still make sense..make sense?


	13. Angels

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's originally.

A/N: Wow, I've had some really fantastic reviews. I get dizzy just reading them! Thank you to everyone who's read and given their input, I really do consider them in the plotting of my stories - so please keep them coming.:-) Without further ado ..enjoy, this is the longest one to date..

Summary: It is said that angels come to us disguised...

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**Chapter 10: Angels**

_Friday – D-day minus 4_

**Carlisle POV**

The result of the HLA typing came out today. They found a match! This was definitely good news. I couldn't wait to tell everyone. I'd been worried about Jasper getting a match. The chances of getting a perfect non related donor was pretty slim, and while they were brothers, they weren't blood related. I couldn't have been more surprised to find out who it was that provided the match. Neither of my two sons matched Jasper's, just as I feared. The match came from one Rosalie Hale.

_What a stroke of pure luck that she came into Emmett's life!_

Edward was flying in today again. Sans Bella I was told. She had a term paper to submit and had been delaying the inevitable. I didn't hold that against her. I wouldn't. I knew if she had a choice, she would have wanted to come. For Jasper as much as for Edward. That girl was heaven sent to both my sons. Jasper had known Bella longer than Edward. It was through him that she eventually ended coming into our lives and improved it. They had shared a course together in uni. At the time of his leaving Forks, it had been just over a year since his volatile and sadistic relationship with that Maria girl ended. I knew he was still struggling then to come to terms with everything that had happened. He may have been physically healed, but emotionally and mentally? Those things were always harder to mend. It was the case for him.

We were worried when we let him go and I'd asked Emmett to report back to me. Jasper would have been livid if he knew. Emmett told me he pretty much stayed away from women, period, for the better part of his freshman year. It was frustrating and heartbreaking to know that this woman held such power and influence over my son's life, even after she was long gone. _She ..abused him. There I said it. Twisted his mind so badly that he thought he deserved all of it. _

I was so glad when Bella came along. She happened to be partnered with him for some project and somehow just managed to pierce his shell and get in. Maybe it was her sincerity, maybe it was her tenacity, maybe it was a combination of both – but she had managed to reach into my son's locked up soul and taught him to trust again. Where my other two sons have failed – if only because they were of the wrong gender, Bella succeeded. She really did help Jasper heal. I remember Emmett telling me the many times she'd remained cooped up in his room when he would go through his periods of depression, always there to extend a helping hand when he needed it. Perhaps he still had some healing to do, if his continued singlehood was any indication, but for the most part, he was back to the old Jasper we knew before Maria. From the way they interacted, I knew Jasper was grateful to have her in his life. He loved her fiercely. She was the sister he never had. It was interesting to see how my two youngest sons could share a girl so amicably and freely.

Emmett called to tell that he wouldn't be able to fly back this weekend due to work issues.

_Damn. _

I felt bad for them. It couldn't be ideal for them to travel back and forth like this. It was unfair to expect either of them to arrange their lives so they could be here all the time as well.

I knew neither of them would have it any other way though, but fact was – it was an inconvenience. I just hope Emmett wouldn't get into any trouble with his work for taking so much leave in such a short space of time.

"I'll be there for the test," he told me.

_I was glad. He would need his brothers for that._

Jasper was going to have the standard BMB – Bone Marrow Biopsy on Monday morning. That was D- day for him and all of us.

"Emmett, I should probably tell you then," I started,"the HLA typing result came out, they've got a match for Jasper," I said to him happily. The booming cheer that sounded on the other side of the phone told me he was just as excited as I was to hear the news.

"Oh man!!!That fuc..I mean fantastic news dad!!" he yelled.

"So who is it? He asked.

"You won't believe me if I tell you," I said, chuckling a little.

"Me?" he prompted. I could picture his eyebrows wriggling. Seriously, this boy could be dense sometimes. Even if he was a 4.0 average student back in his school days.

"You must thank Rosalie for us and Jasper," I answered instead. The response was as expected.

"Rosie?? My Rosie??! Whooo!!!! I knew she had a purpose for coming!!!" he chimed.

" Is she there? "

"She's not here now, but I'll be sure to tell her.. Man she's gonna be so proud and happy!" He supplied.

" Wow..I still can't believe it! What were the chances hey?? Jasper's angels must be looking out for him" he continued his rambling.

"Son?" I cut him. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the stroke of luck we've just had.

" Yes sir?"

"Thank you.. for everything. For coming. For bringing Rosalie, for her offering, " I said gratefully.

"Aww dad…we're family, that's no biggie. It's what we do. I know Jasper would do the same if I were in his shoes.." he replied casually.

" But really, tell Rosalie, your mom, myself and Jasper are indebted to her forever for this," I implored again.

" I will dad. Wow. I'm still shocked."

" I know..I'll see you Monday son."

"See you then dad," he responded and hung up.

I thought back to the last couple of days. It had been a harrowing, yet enlightening period; I'd learn so much from the people around me. I'd always thought that I was strong internally. Heck, I'd been walking around with this knowledge of my son dying of leukemia so calmly, it even unnerved me sometimes. Monday night, that strength was nowhere to be seen. I was stripped bare of it. I knew why. I'd been wearing my white coat all this time, keeping myself detached from everyone and everything. There but not really there. It was the way I coped with things. Being the doctor empowered me.

But watching Jasper that night and right through the morning as he fought to gain ground over the fever, the powerful doctor in me was crushed to the ground. My knowledge was useless. I could only sit and watch as he fought the invisible demon wreaking havoc inside him, I'd never been so scared in my life.

_To be rendered so powerless and useless like that_.

Never will I look down on Esme's tears or Jasper's stubbornness as weakness again. From day one, they had both been fighting this on the forefront, while I was hiding at behind my coat. He needed his dad, and I was going to be there from now on.

We had wanted to get a girl.

Instead we went home with another boy. In retrospect, I believe Jasper was always meant to come home with us. Our lives had been predestined to meet. Him, mine, Esme's, Emmett's and Edward's. Bella's and now Rosalie's. The more I dwelt in it, the more I was convinced that none of these things that have happened could be or should be construed as luck or accident.

**It's been said that all God's angels come to us disguised.**

Thinking back on what Bella did for Jasper all those times, and now Rosalie being a match for him;

I had no doubt that they were Jasper's angels, came to save him. One his soul. The other one his life.

With two angels beside him, I had a settling feeling he would come out of this right in the end.

*******

_Friday night, Texas_

**Rosalie POV**

"For real??" I asked, my heart beating wildly in my chest.

"Yes yes!!! You match Jasper's. God, Rosie…you don't know how wonderful this news is!!" Emmett boomed as he picked me up and twirled me around in his lounge room.

"Dad said to thank you. Thank you so much love!" he beamed and kissed me.

I was ecstatic to hear the news. Yes, I still had the matter of the "confusion" to sort out, quietly if I could help it. I was happy and proud to know that it was my bone marrow that matched, but what really made this news wonderful for me was the fact that Jasper had a chance to recover from this awful disease. And I really meant that in the sincerest way possible, "confusions" be damned.

I didn't quite know yet what it was really that was going on between me and Jasper, and I had a good few days to think about the logic and well, absurdity of it. One thing I was sure of though was that I really loved Emmett and I cared about Jasper. Maybe more than just him being Emmett's brother or a new friend, but not in the way that I felt for Emmett either.

Maybe, and I was not one to usually believe all the hocus pocus about past lives and such, but maybe we had a connection somewhere or somehow, a strong one - enough to ignite the spark between us. When I reflected on what happened that day, I realized that Jasper did not act at all perturbed by our obvious and immediate bonding. It was as if it was the most natural thing to do. Yes, it did feel natural. Perhaps he was simply treating me as he did Bella. They too had a close bonding that Edward didn't seem to mind.

_Yes, but Bella and him are like best friends! _

'Bitch. Don't test my patience now.'

_And you kissed him and and and….the minute you met him! He's panty dropping attractive, admit it._

Emmett. Only Emmett does that for me. Grrr.

_...'electric' my dear Rosie!_

Fuck you. Stop fucking with my mind!!!

"Babe, you alright?" Emmett's voice interrupted my verbal sparring with my inner bitch. How long did I zone out? I wondered.

"You zoned out there for a minute," he said concernedly.

"Huh? Sorry I was just.. happy.." I lied. _Groan. That was lame. _I bet I looked far from happy right now, if that raised eyebrow on Emmett's face was any indication. I quickly gave him a 1000 watt smile to throw him off.

He looked at me for a second longer, pondering on whether to press me or not. Just as I was about to explain, he thankfully dropped it. I mentally sighed in relief.

The next moment though, I lost my footing on the solid ground as he lifted me up and carried me bridal style into the bedroom.

"Emmett!!" I shrieked.

He giggled loudly into my hair as he ran both of us to our bed. I was almost afraid he was going to throw me down like an ogre would but in direct contrast to the speed at which he stole me away from the lounge, he laid me ever so gently onto our bed and climbed over me the next instance. His knees were pressed on either side of my outer thighs. Then in almost painful slow motion he leaned over and peered over my face intently,

s_hit those brown eyes!_

his broad hand and deft fingers coming up to gently trace invisible patterns on my cheek, my temple, my forehead, pushing the stray locks away from my eyes. All my thoughts previously - magically disappeared as my attention became agonizingly aware of only the moment and of him hovering above me.

He hadn't said a word. His delectable finger still tracing patterns on my goosebumped skin. His eyes still trained down on me,

watching, satiating, feasting.

I heard my heart beat thump loudly in my ears, felt the anticipation trembling in my thighs, butterflies humming in the pit of my stomach.

_Waiting._

_Oh Jesus..Mar..y.._

My fingers were lost in his hair, raking through them, pulling his head closer to mine.

I felt his lips tugging at my bottom one, sucking, licking, lapping, biting.

_Oh God.._

"Emmett.." I moaned into his mouth. My body moved on its own volition to meet up with his.

"ummmhhhmhh.."

His wet, delicious tongue slipping past my opened mouth, gliding in, searching, seeking my own.

His movements were deliberately slow and yet so urgent that I was quaking in his grip.

_God I was in love with this man.._

Ambrosia. Heaven.

Two hours later, we were both left panting and sweating in bed, cocooned in the satisfying feeling of post coital haze. I did not notice the warm Texas air wafting in the space around us, nor the long forgotten sheets snaking about our tangled limbs. I was aware of only one single detail – the feel of my skin on his skin.

I scooted even closer to his body, reveling in the smell of him, the heat arising from him.

He semi turned and peered into my face again. _ Those brown eyes again. I could get lost in them any day._

" Thank you Rose," he murmured, looking at me tenderly.

" For?"_ 'the mindblowing sex?_' I said in my head and giggled, my hands coming up to cover my face.

He let out a tiny chuckle, pulled them away and tapped my nose lightly with his index finger before kissing me chastely on the lips again.

"For what you're giving Jasper…" he supplied, sincerely. The look in his eyes was pure gratefulness.

I thought I was going to cry from the sheer depth of his silent gratitude.

"You're an angel, you know that?" he whispered as he leaned close and touched his nose to mine.

"I love you Rosalie Hale."

"And I love you Emmet Cullen." I whispered back.

_I really really..was undeniably in love with Emmett Cullen. Full stop._

****

_Friday evening_, _Bella and Edward's Apartment_

**Bella POV**

" _He's a Cullen you say?"_

…_.._

To say I was slack jawed to find out that Alice had met Jasper, no spoken to him was the understatement of the century. It was more like my jaws had been torn off its sockets and refitted – the wrong way around that it wouldn't close properly now unless I pushed my chin up with my hand.

" I know a Jasper Cullen in New York..any relation?" she had asked demurely.

" How do you know Jasper Cullen?!!" I asked, almost..accusingly? _ What the F Bella! Rein in the territorial marking okay?_

She flinched at me slightly, perhaps at my offending voice. I had the decency to apologize. It was after all pertinent for me to get all the details of this suddenly interesting turn of event.

" I met him at Starbucks.."

My day that was supposed to be filled with me sitting at my desk, doing the paper I was supposed to be doing and submitting soon – _That,_ did not happen. Not only that did not happen, I ended up going shopping with here and now we were standing in my apartment kitchen, making Chinese stir fry for supper. Why? Because of a particular Cullen boy – that's right! Jasper freakin Cullen.

Jasper was my best friend. Had been for the last 3 – 4 years. I didn't know how we came to be best friends, it just sort of happened. It was as if I found the other part of my soul in him. He understood me in ways that even Edward couldn't understand me sometimes. And I knew he felt the same way as I did. I couldn't claim that I knew Jasper inside out, but I would say I was quite close. I had spent many a day cooped up with him in his bedroom, back in undergrad when he used to go through his Maria related depression. I was privileged to see the inner workings of his mental and emotional mind.

_Maria~ _I had never seen that bitch, but I hated her with passion. For what she did to him.

My buddy was a vulnerable creature. It didn't matter that he towered over me, could carry me over his shoulder with one arm – physically he was strong, but inside, inside he was one of the most sensitive soul I'd ever come across with. You couldn't help but want to protect him and I was very protective of him. He called me his private angel once. I kind of agreed.

_Though maybe he meant Charlie's Angels. That dog. Pssh. It didn't matter._

My mind flitted to Rosalie and the scene Edward and I caught on Monday. That still nagged me a little. I wondered what the fuck she was thinking. For some reason I didn't think Jasper was flirting with her, even though he was strangely affectionate with her, especially since they had just known each other for a day. I suddenly wished I knew her better, so I'd know what she was thinking. I seriously hoped she wasn't playing him, because if she did, and he got hurt, there would be hell to pay.

I thought about Jasper again, he neglected to mention to us about ever meeting Alice. _Why?_

Perhaps I'd get the answer from Alice. I pushed the thought away and focused on her instead. She was retelling the part where it all started.

Alice was on business assignment in New York for 2 months. The agency she was working had recently opened a branch in Greenwich and she had been delegated to oversee the set up. Obviously her 2 months was up now and she was heading back home to Milan. I was a little sad for some reason. Maybe it was the idea that Jasper might like her and she was already leaving.

I could see Jasper liking her. Alice was a sprightly bubbly creature. She injected happiness everywhere she went. It was hard to make her angry for long. And she had a pure loving giving heart.

"So anyway," Alice continued,

"I had just finished shopping at Saks and was coming down the escalator, I was busy trying to juggle the bags in my hands so they didn't topple down the woman that was standing right in front of me. I couldn't understand why she couldn't just step down two steps…an dhse had the nerve to glare at me...I should've just toppled her down, " she babbled animatedly.

I remembered suddenly that talking to Alice, or even listening to her required a special skill sometimes. She had a tendency to babble away and switch topics without warning.

"Well anyway, suddenly I had this twitch in my right eye, like a crazy one – I thought I was going mad!" her eyes bulged a little in animation. She paused for a breath and continued.

"I couldn't very well use any of my hands, obviously, so I tried to rub it with my right shoulder, and naturally I turned to face the escalator going up. Just as I was busy scratching the damn twitch away with my shoulder, looking like a total retard no doubt, he past me."

She gulped another breath in and rambled on.

"So, I caught his eyes briefly, but everything else was a blur. Probably cause of the damn twitch. By the time I regained my eyesight back, he'd already past me! So I turned round, I don't know maybe I wanted to call him – and then I saw it." She paused, whether it was for dramatic purposes, I didn't know, but her eyes turned dreamy suddenly.

"the back of his head, the hair, the curls…the gold in them…" She said wistfully. For a second I was afraid she might just chop her finger instead of the peppers she was slicing. But she returned her attention duly to the chopping board.

It was already hard to keep up with her when she talked, but she wasn't making any point in her story either.

"Okay…????." I drawled.

"did I miss the point here?" I asked exasperatedly.

She looked at me like I was the retard and sighed.

"Bells.., " she moaned softly. " Don't you see, he's the boy I dreamed of," she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

My jaw dropped again.

"No ways," I said. Truly she did not believe that. Did she really believe that?

"You actually believe that? I thought you said you didn't pay attention to your dreams,"

She made invisible patterns on the chopping board with the knife.

" I know that..but it was just so vivid..and it just clicked, like a switch just turned on in my head and I could see the room I was in suddenly," she explained.

" Anyway.."

" It didn't make any sense..but I couldn't stop thinking about it,"

" Alice, of course it doesn't make sense, it seems so far fetched.." I supplied.

"I know.. ," she sighed. " Which is why.. uhh.." she bit her lower lip and looked up at me through her dark lashes.

"I went to see a psychic.." she cringed and actually took a step backward , away from me. As if I was going to slap her or something.

I wanted to laugh. Actually I did but I held it so it came out in a snort instead.

"Oh God Alice..you didn't," I gawped. She nodded her head several times, embarrassedly.

I had to let her speak. I wondered how much she paid to have some looney read her future for her.

"What did she say then? " I prodded, snorting untrustingly. Truth be told I was a little interested in hearing what the person told Alice.

"That he's my ..you know…" she mumbled, tippy-toeing around her answer like it was a sin to say it out loud. I rolled my eyes.

"No.. I don't. I'm not a psychic Alice..what did she say?" I asked again, getting just a tad annoyed.

" My Soulmate," she blurted out loud, blushing profusely at her statement. _This was feral Alice we were talking of_!

That did it. I bawled out laughing. She scowled at me and I honestly did try to stop, but I never imagined posh, poised, designer wearing Alice ever doing something like going to a dingy stall and have her love dreams read and prophesied by one of those money making storytellers. I was biased against them because my mother used to go to those very people to have her love life prophesied when I was younger. It was a waste of money. All my mother got from them were empty hopes, wishful thinking. Phil happened only when she took charge of her love life and made it happen.

Alice was never one to stay mad for long, so pretty soon, her scowl turned into a loopy grin and she was soon clutching her tummy as she laughed with me. We pranced around the kitchen for a bit and finished cooking our supper before sitting down to eat and let her finish retelling her story.

" So what did she tell you to do, with regards to your soulm…Jasper I mean?" I asked as I ate a piece of cauliflower.

"That's where the lady said I shouldn't worry, it would happen when it would happen."

I rolled my eyes again. How typical of them to be saying things like that.

"So I didn't. I mean I didn't know where he was staying or working, I didn't even know if he was living in New York for that matter. He could have just been a visitor, like me." She supplied and chomped a piece of mushroom. I nodded in silent agreement.

"I got so busy with work after that, I kinda forgot about it in the end. I thought about the logistics of it though, I only had 2 months here, even if I met him, I was going back already – I mean, what's the point of trying to start a relationship when you're not gonna be there, right?" she nattered and took a gulp of her wine. Again, I nodded in agreement.

"Anyway, just when i thought I had forgotten about the boy in my dreams..." she started again.

"Out of the blue, I ran into him one morning at Starbucks." Her hand stopped mid air with the wine glass she was holding and she tilted her head slightly and grinned at me.

"This was like a month later?" I asked.

" yep.."

"How many times have you guys met since then.." I prodded, leaning closer to the table.

"Ohh only 3 times," she crinkled her nose, "…… our mini dates lasted all about 15 minutes each, max," she giggled, a little too happily

_Mini date? Who knew there was such a thing?_

"So what did you two speak about?" I asked.

"general stuff, the weather, work..we couldn't really cramp that many conversations in 15 minutes, you know," she supplied and forked another piece of vege.

With Alice, you didn't need to dig hard to get information. She supplied it voluntarily.

"There's something about him..like he draws people to him," she said.

I couldn't agree more. Jasper had an ability to do that. Edward called it charisma.

"He's also so easy to speak to, I really liked that about him. And he has such an amazing and sincere smile." She beamed.

"And yet.. I don't know, it seemed so contradictory to say this…even though he was easy to speak to, he also seemed to be awkward talking to me.. and he was very cautious about saying things that would express his feelings? I can't quite explain it, it was a bit odd," she added on.

I went a bit tense when she said that. He was still afraid of attachment, of showing his feelings. _If you only knew why Alice.. _I thought as I continued to pick on my food.

"So I had this friend working high up in one of the big publishing houses there – Orange House, and offered to toss his name in, you know for possible job opportunities – I got him an interview..and he seemed so excited at first when I told him that, but then..I heard he canceled it."

"I was a little disappointed, but figured he probably had a good reason for it.. I guess" she mumbled off, sounding a little dejected.

_Oh Alice.._

"Did he get your number?" I asked.

She looked at me forlornly.

"He probably isn't interested in me.. he never once did ask." She said a little sadly. A second later, she perked up and spoke again.

" Ahh well.. it doesn't matter. At least I got to chat with him. It was good enough."

" I really wanted to take him out for dinner or something, before I left – you know just cause he's not interested in me, It doesn't mean I couldn't take him out for a platonic supper date – you know to thank him for his company,"

_You like him. You really like him._

"But he stopped showing up.. like 2 weeks ago," she sighed and dropped her fork on the plate . It clattered ever so slightly against the porcelain plate. She seemed suddenly distressed by something.

" At first I was worried that maybe I had been too forward with him, and freaked him out." she continued mumbling to her plate.

I wondered mutely if I should give his number to her or at the very least tell her that he was actually back home for some family emergency and that she didn't freak him out the least.

"But I realized that, that couldn't have happened..I mean okay I have verbal diarrhea sometimes, but even I couldn't speak so much crap in 15 minutes," she looked up at me.

" I shouldn't be worried..but I am. That's why when you mentioned Edward's surname, I just had to ask."

" I just wanted to know really if he's okay," she finished. Her concern was a sweet gesture, And Alice was a sweet person, but it perplexed me that she was worrying about someone she barely knew.

"Can I ask why you're so worried though? You just knew him," I prompted.

"The lady, the psychic I met – she told me something else, she said that Jasper's future looked shadowed," she muttered softly, looking into my eyes oddly. My ears pricked and I felt myself tensing.

"She said that his life would hang in the balance…" her head tilted as if she didn't quite comprehend what was meant by that. _ She didn't._

I gulped the wine that had been swirling in my mouth for a bit.

_Fuck._

My mind reeled back to my friend. I didn't even notice that my eyes had started to water again.

"Bella? Bella What's wrong?" Alice called to me, her tiny voice laced with genuine worry. I felt her move towards me and crouch by my side, rubbing my hand as I struggled to contain the sudden wave of sadness engulfing me.

" Bells?"

" Alice….there's something I have to tell you…" I murmured, wiping a fat tear from my cheek.

" What's wrong Bells? You're worrying me,"

" Jasper.."

" Jasper's sick..he's very very sick.." I sobbed. Her face had paled visibly.

* * *

A/N: Am having problems accessing FF website…ggrr..anyone facing this issue, my future posting may be delayed as a result.

Please let me know what you think of this chapter. Too long? Confusing? Not enough feeling? Who's POV must I do next? I'm missing Jasper..

Teaser:

" Jasper's sick..he's very very sick.." she sobbed.

I must have paled visibly because I felt physically sick.

On the one hand – I barely knew this guy. I didn't even think he was minutely interested in me. On the other, him being sick – very sick according to Bella, just established a profound truth – one that I wasn't too sure I wanted to hear myself. The lady psychic… she prophesied…..Jasper.. sick. Life . balanced. Soul..mate.

_Oh no …no..no..no…no.._


	14. Lux in tenebris

**Disclaimer: As much as I like to claim the tripod Cullen as mine, they belong to SM. So do the rest.**

**A/N: My thank you to all reviewers. This goes out to all of you who have given me some oh so positive reviews ( you know who you are) and keep this story going and hopefully getting better and better. Let's all say it together ~ we love us some tripod lovin~**

**Music suggestion: arvo part - fur alina.**

**Summary: It's D- day for Jasper. Is he in remission?**

* * *

**Chapter 11: Lux in Tenebris**

_Test Day - Monday_

**JPOV**

I was a ball of nerves.

A tightly wound ball of nerves – ready to spring out of control at the merest touch.

It was Test day today. D- day.

I woke up at 6, too early for my liking. I couldn't help it – I was too excited, too nervous to get into REM mode. It didn't matter that my body was screaming for some rest. Nerves got the better of me last night. Oh well.

As much as I couldn't wait to get this thing done with so I could finally go home;

_home ~funny, that word seemed like such a foreign concept to me these days, I wonder why~_

I was also apprehensive about doing the test.

_Big fucking needle._

I cringed. I did not want to remember that thing until it was absolutely time. But yes, that contraption they used to do this test freaked me out. And the last time they used it on me, it hurt like hell. Wondered if I was going to do a repeat performance of Count Dracula and what Dr R's reaction would be.

The other reason for my apprehension would be the outcome of the test itself.

Argh! This felt worst than any other tests or finals I've ever sat for in my entire life.

_Upbeat. Optimistic. We're gonna make it through._

According to Dr R and dad, our aim was to achieve less than 5% blast cells. That's what they called the mutant cells – blasts. Probably short for Blasted fuckers. But Dr R wanted 2% at least. It seemed such a freaking high target to achieve, or a too tight margin to breathe. Why not 5.5%, why not 10%?

" The smaller the number, the less chances for you of getting a relapse." He had said.

Ahh..I had forgotten about that black word. Everyone has a black day in the life. I'd managed to rung up a few of those in my young life though I'd rather not remember them. Now I had a black word too – _that._ Forever burned in my soul like a scarlet letter on an adulterous woman's chest. It sat on the top of my DON'Ts list now.

_Ok cowboy, that's it. We're gunning for 0%._

I chuckled to myself. That's major Jasper to you. Always the optimist.

Whatever God, spirit, angel or guide there may be out there, I hope they heard me last night. I hope they'd grant me my wish for today ~ for the smallest possible integer between 0-5. That was it. I didn't ask to be cured of Leukemia immediately, I knew there were worse cases than me possibly, I just wanted that.

Because honestly, I didn't think I could through the disappointment of not passing this test after having gone through 1 week of hell.

_~That you do J, You do. Look you're molting~_

**_ Dark clouds_**

All of a sudden, I felt the ominous dark cloud that had been my constant company since this all started trying to swallow me again. I shivered. Not from the cold.

I started losing my hair last night. Woke up and saw tufts of them strewn about my pillow. It was the chemo's doing. Killing the healthy part of me. _As if I wasn't already damaged to begin with._ Mom, dad and Edward saw it too. Mom was quick to remove the evidence from my sight. I tried to make light of it for mom and dad's sake. They had had a tough week with me getting sick and all. Told them I needed a shave anyway, and wanted to sport a new clean look. Maybe they thought it was funny, maybe they were simply entertaining me. They laughed. I laughed too.

_Getting good at lying._

But I think I cried inside. I didn't know why it hurt so much to see them lying there lifelessly on my pillow like that. They were dead cells after all –mere keratins. And it wasn't like I hadn't had haircuts before! Maybe it was because this time they meant something more than just dead cells, keratins or hair. I supposed when you know that your body was giving up on you, you start treasuring every little piece of yourself, even the dead ones.

_I was dying in parts. How poetic._

"Are you ready hon?" Jane's alto tone mercifully pulled me out from my dark musing.

"Yeah..are we doing it here?" I asked, referring to the BMB as my head instinctively turned towards the door, searching for my family.

_When did you become such a sissy?_

I felt tempted to just slap my internal editor in the face. Yes, I wanted someone to fucking hold my hand while this test went underway. I was sick. I was scared. I deserved to be held if I wanted to!

_It _shut up._ Thank God._

"Yes, we're doing it here. I've started a line of morphine for you, I'll give you a boost when we're about to start. I'll need you to lie on your tummy so I can start prepping you up sweetie.." she said. I was still focused on the door.

" Uh.. where's my family? Are they allowed during the procedure?" I asked, a little embarrassedly. If she noticed it, she ignored it. Her face lit up into a smile.

"They're hovering outside. They weren't sure if you wanted them around. Shall I get them?" she enquired.

"Yes please, thanks," I responded and duly turned around and lay prone on my bed, my head facing the doorway of my room. I saw them shuffling inside not 5 seconds later. Mom came up to my side quickly and made a grab of my extended hand to squeeze it gently. I felt her kiss the side of my head lightly and I took the chance to inhale her calming scent again.

"You sure you want us here sweetie?" she asked. I nodded and gave her a tiny smile. My body twitched minutely when I felt the cold lidocaine swab my tailbone. Dr R strolled in and I could sense my family closing in over the bed. As expected of a good doctor, he explained the procedure to me and my family again.

"Okay,Jasper, I'm going to do the aspirate first and then we'll take a tiny sample of your bone. You'll feel a little sting shortly," he stated. It was more of a warning really. I nodded silently and tried to relax my body as much as possible. I didn't notice that dad had moved close to my head until I felt his hand move over the bed to hold mine, gripping it gently as the needle went in. I gasped at the invasion. The pain from the assault shot down my legs to the tip of my toes and my body jerked of its own volition as I felt him rotate and move the needle several times inside me. I felt dad's grip on me tightened and I fought the urge to groan.

"Almost done son. We doing good here. I'm going to take a sample of your bone now,"

I willed my body to relax again, even though I could feel the minute trembling coursing through me. _Breathe in. Breathe out. Breat.. h.._

_Fuck!_

I heard crunching sound of bone breaking and a ton of weight pressed against my tailbone. I jerked roughly against the assault. I couldn't stop the groan this time. I buried my face into the pillow and bit down hard as the thing twisted inside me. Excruciating pain flared out across my whole body from the point of contact and I screamed profanities in my head.

_Morphine!! Where's the fucking morphine!!!_

I thought he'd never finish. By the time he was done, I was past the point of exhaustion. From the pain, and from the cocktail of poison still running in my vein.

"More morphine sweetheart?" Jane's sweet voice filtered into my hazy brain, it sounded like she was serving dessert.

I 'mmpffh' to her on the pillow, not bothering to turn my head. Dad's grip on my hand did not loosen. I felt darkness washing over me again and I welcomed it.

****

**Emmett POV**

I was never afraid of needles. But the one that was poised over Jasper's back was fucking huge. I felt my own insides churn when Dr R pushed the needle onto the base of Jasper's spine, wiggled it a few times inside him before filling the syringe with his fluid. I could see from the way Jasper was gripping dad's hand it was probably hurting more than just a sting.

_Shit..._

When he was finished taking a few samples of Jasper's fluid, Dr R pulled out another contraption that looked somewhat like a mini jackhammer. Before I even registered it, he'd shifted his weight onto the thing and twisted it into Jasper again, pressing down hard. I saw Jasper jerk against the doctor's movement audibly this time, just as I heard the sound of bone crunching.

_Fuck!! You're fucking hurting my brother you asshole!!_

I very nearly went after the doc just then. My fists were curled tightly against my sides as I willed myself to calm down and remind myself that this was a standard procedure and not torture. I looked at Edward, he looked positively anguished and mom looked green. Dad's eyebrows were knitting closely together, like he was in pain as well. I felt sick just thinking of the amount of pain my brother must be feeling right now.

I left the room in a hurry just as the procedure ended and Jane took over and started to dress the wound. When I returned, he was already out and I was grateful for small mercy. Back in the days when I used to play football, I've had my share of back injuries. The worse was a herniated disc. It hurt like hell for days. I was sure Jasper was feeling quite similar.

I asked dad when we would be getting the result. He said that the preliminary would probably come out within the next 24 hours if not sooner, and the detailed report in a couple of days.

_Damn. More waiting. As if we weren't on the edge enough already._

I prayed the result would be good. I didn't want to think what would happen if it didn't.

*****

**Edward POV**

I spoke to Bella after the BMB procedure this morning. Had to tell her I was staying another day as the result was only coming out tomorrow. I felt bad about leaving her all by herself in LA. But I couldn't leave. Tomorrow would be a crucial time for Jasper. Even if he'd never mention it to anyone, he'd need us, for the good and god forbid, for the bad. Bella told me not to worry about her and to let Jasper know she was thinking of him.

I asked her about Alice again. I was quite surprised when we spoke on Saturday and she told me that her friend Alice knew Jasper in New York. They sounded very chummy and I wondered why Jasper never mentioned this to us. I had wanted to ask Jasper about it but Bella told me not to say a thing. She didn't go into any details, preferring to tell me all about it when I got back. I didn't press her.

Emmett and I left for bit in the evening to go and get takeaways for everyone. Jasper was still in a bit of pain from the procedure this morning and mom didn't want to leave him by himself. We were just about to leave the restaurant when Emmett got a call from dad asking us to hurry back.

"What's wrong?" I asked Emmett when he had hung up.

"Dr R has the prelim. He wants to talk to us," he said anxiously. We doubled our pace. We reached Jasper's room just as Dr R rounded the corner. We surrounded Jasper as he sat cross legged on his bed. I could see the knot of trepidation on his face. I took a deep breath, mentally crossing my fingers, and prayed that the results would be good.

"We've got the prelim, the full result would be ready tomorrow, but I figured you'd like to know the result as soon as possible…" he spoke. The tension in the room was so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

Just as Dr R opened his mouth, Emmet suddenly yelled. He had been standing just slightly behind Jasper's right side.

"Jesus Jasper! You're bleeding!" He exclaimed, staring down at Jasper's back. Dad and Dr R was beside him immediately. Sure enough, his wound was bleeding and had saturated into the light shirt he was wearing. I saw the crease of worry marring Dr R's face.

"You're not clotting properly.." he mumbled, mainly to himself. Jasper was probably low on platelets again. I looked at my brother and saw the annoyance written on his face. He was probably annoyed at Emmett for disrupting the discussion they were about to have.

"We'll need to get your back redressed and you'll probably need platelets again. Sorry guys, I need to call Jane for this," he issued and promptly paged Jane.

" Dr Rodriguez, I know you're worried about me bleeding to death, but please..can we get back to my results quickly?" he finally pleaded. There we were worrying about him bleeding, and he didn't even seem to be fazed by it.

"Jasper." Dad reprimanded. He gave the Doctor an apologetic look.

" It's OK Carlisle, Jasper. I'm sorry, but we must just redress this before anything else. I don't want to risk an infection on you," he explained kindly. He resignedly sighed. I couldn't stop the tiny grin tugging on my lips.

"moron," he grumbled when he caught my face as he rolled back on his stomach.. I shook my head and chuckled.

"Jesus Jasper, you look like someone's put a stick up your ass," Emmett chipped in pokerfaced. That did it, the entire room broke into laughter. For a brief moment, the dread of the approaching news disappeared.

After his wound had been redressed and a bag of platelet hooked up to him, we promptly returned to Jasper's result again. And the same feeling of dread settled back in like it never left.

" Dr.," Dad started. Dr R looked at us contemplatively.

I knew that face. Somehow I knew it was going to be bad. Maybe because I was training into one, I had learned to read the subtle look on a doctor's face.

_Shit. This was not good._ I braced myself.

" You're not in remission Jasper."

His face fell. Everyone's face fell. He made no move for a minute or two, his eyes was trained ahead, looking at nothing, staring into space. When dad's hand touched his shoulder he flinched away, and his eyes slowly closed, his palms curling into fists in his lap. He was quaking.

****

**JPOV**

I didn't pass the test. I didn't pass the test.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, I was screaming.

_ I was stuck. I was stuck. I could not get away, I could not get away,_

I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I flinched away from it.

_ Dark, angry raincloud come my way;_

_Self pity becomes you boy._

_What the Fuck did I do to deserve this?!!_

"Jasper," dad's voice tried to call me back. I did not want to get out of this darkness now. Let me wallow in it. Sink in it. Drown in it. Maybe I was meant to be here._ Leave me. _

"Jasper please," Mom. She must be crying now.

_ Lull me to sleep. Let me sink in the deep,_

"Jasper, son, listen - we can still do something about this.." Dr R's voice penetrated the thick black veil that had cocooned itself around me, wrapping me against my will.

I found the strength to open my mouth. Somehow.

"How?" I flinched at how desperately hopeless my voice sounded now. _Don't. cry. _

"Your numbers were borderline. I want you to do another round of chemo and that we increase the dosage a little," he supplied.

I wanted to laugh at the irony of it all suddenly. I was feeding myself with poison to kill the cancer inside me. I was killing myself to kill this fucking thing? Where was the logic in that? But I really had no choice did I? It wasn't as if I had an option C to take.

"When?" I whispered.

"Tonight. We can start tonight." He supplied. Shame, he was trying to inject some hope? What hope?

_I couldn't. Can't you see? I haven't the strength. God I haven't the strength….I'm crying and you can't see.._

"No," I answered unfeelingly. I needed time off tonight. I needed to escape tonight.

I heard mom gasp. Dad pleading me to reason.

"Not tonight…" I begged, looking at Dr R.

" I haven't the strength..not tonight. Please…"

I felt a tear slip past my tightly held barricade of lashes.

_ Silver lining._

_ Where are you? _

_ Where ARE YOU???!_

Anger arrived, panting at my door, telling me of its arrival.

"**Leave…"**

**"Just Leave!"**

******

**Emmett POV**

He told us to leave.

He wanted to be alone.

" Just leave !!" He growled. I knew he was angry. Not at us. Angry at the result maybe. Angry at not having beaten the disease yet. Angry at himself mostly. He was hurting.

I couldn't leave. Not when he needed us most. He would be stubborn about it, but there was nothing he could do about it. Between me and Edward, and his physical strength now, he couldn't' move us, even if he tried.

_Tripod. We were a fuckin tripod. We wouldn't leave him now._

I ushered mom and dad out and motioned for Edward to stay put. I stole a look at Jasper, he was still motionless on his bed, legs drawn up, his arms draped around his knees and his head resting on them.

I signaled for Edward to sit on the couch and joined him. Jasper looked up. Expecting to see no one. His eyes were glistening with pain, which promptly disappeared when he saw that we were still there.

" I told you to leave.." he growled again, glaring at us. He was trying hard to hide the underlying emotion behind his anger, but it was seeping like sand through the cracks of his fragile shell. My first instinct was to go and soothe my brother, but I knew he was too wounded to accept any form of consolation from anyone right now. He was a wounded animal.

" Nope. We're staying. " I said nonchalantly. Edward looked at me incredulously.

" What do you want from me?!" he roared. I ignored his question.

" **I don't need your pity**," he added a little later, venom lacing every word.

" We're not giving you any," I answered neutrally and sank deeper into the couch, hoping that Edward caught my drift to play it cool with Jasper for now. He gave me a confused look, but followed my drift unquestioningly.

" I'm not talking to you and don't expect me to," he snarled again and snapped his head back to stare at the space in front of him.

"No problem. We don't expect you to. But we're staying. Don't mind us," I answered coolly and picked up a magazine to read.

2 hours later, he was still sitting in the same position on his bed. Head on his knees, his body rocking back and forth every now and then. I stood up and stretched and walked to the loo to relieve myself. When I returned , Edward was standing by the window, looking out at the Seattle skyline. I made a move to join him.

"Prison."

He said it so softly we could have missed it. He was still in the same position as he had been for the last 2 hours. I stood rooted where I was, Edward where he was. We looked at him.

" I feel like I'm in prison..this place… this body." He raised his head up and gazed into the space in front of him again. The anger that was evident 2 hours ago had disappeared. His face was now pure anguish.

He turned and looked our way and at the door just behind me.

"you know what the funny thing is? – I could simply walk out of this prison if I wanted to. That door... it's open.. I could simply walk out," he indicated dazedly. I heard Edward grinding his teeth. He was clenching his jaws tightly. From anger or hurt, I wasn't sure.

" I could… and no one could stop me.. " he mumbled. He let out a mirthless chuckle. Then his face flattened out into a blank slate.

" But I'd be walking to my death…" I saw his face crumpled painfully now as he stared ahead again.

" and yet.. it feels just the same in here.. Either way, it feels the same.."

" Jasper," Edward whimpered softly, his voice cracking.

When he looked at us again, I swear I saw a little scared boy sitting on the bed instead of my 22 year old brother, his blue eyes glistening with tears, his face full of torment. We rushed to his side.

"I don't want to die… I don't want to die…."

My shield cracked.

*****

**Esme POV.**

I peeked into the door and saw my three boys huddling together. Jasper in the middle. Edward and Emmett on either side of him holding him. He was crying. His entire body was quaking.

_Oh my child. _

_You don't deserve this._

I wanted to go and soothe him. Comfort him. Tell him that it would all be okay. But if there was anyone who could bring him out of this sinking ship he was in, it was them. I knew he'd lost hope. I'd seen it before. Only they could bring him back and give him courage to steer on. They had to.

*****

**Edward POV**

I clenched my jaws even as he said those words. I could feel my inside ripping agonizingly slowly. The despondence dripping from each word he enunciated was actually giving me physical pain - my heart was breaking.

" _But I'd be walking to my death…"._

" _and yet.. it feels just the same in here.. Either way, it feels the same.." _

I called out to him. I wanted to yell to him that it wasn't. It wasn't. There was hope. There was hope. He had to just have faith, it was somewhere there, even if it all seemed to be just darkness now that he saw around him.

And yet I knew what he meant. He felt trapped. Treatment or no treatment, death was marking its territory around him. Closing in on him. And he was helplessly sinking in the gloom permeating around him.

He was afraid.

"_I don't want to die," _his voice was weak. He'd lost hope.

"You won't. We're not going to let you. We're not…" Emmett grunted vehemently, anguish lacing his voice as he pulled him to his chest and rocked the little boy sitting there quaking in tears now.

I prayed to GOD or whoever was listening to us right then, _please, please give us strength to help him through this darkness again._

*****

_Day 1 - Induction_

**JPOV**

I sighed.

_I was tired._

_I'd only slept for two hours._

_The demon in my dreams...taunting me again_

The darkness was beckoning me still, I could see the black edges around me, the evil tendrils of black flitting out every now and then trying to pull me in. After last night's disappointment, they won me out. I went to them willingly. I couldn't find the strength to fight them back.

But then maybe there was a GOD somewhere or someone kind enough to hear my plea. When I'd thought hope was all lost.. They came clamoring for me, pushing back the clawing black tendrils of gloom away from me, even when I had stopped fighting. _lux in tenebris. _The light in my darkness.

Today was day 1. _Again_.

Stronger dose. Worse side effect. But it would kill them all. Or it would kill me. It didn't matter anymore. But I would die trying. It was worth it. For them. And perhaps for the little boy mom and dad saw in me 18 years ago.

I was starting to feel the nausea already. _Shit._

I wondered where my brothers were. They'd been gone since breakfast this morning. It was nearly lunchtime. They told me they would be in today. Distract me from my pain.

"mom, where are they?" I inquired. She wasn't too sure either.

The door to my room opened. Speak of the devil, I thought.

**_Oh fuck me. _**

Mom gasped loudly. I think I just cursed in front of her. _No matter._

I stared at the sight of my two brothers as they made their entrance.

Edward grinned at me and ran his hand over his head several times. Emmett made a goof ball face and ran his own hand over his head as well. _Nervous = mess hair. Cullen trait._

Carlisle entered after them, his face was a mix of bewilderment and pride?

My jaw fell. I think so did mom's.

My brothers were sporting new hairdos'

_Oh shit._

My first grin after all hope was lost last night.

_cancer = 0, tripod =1_

Death, Leukemia had new competition.

Bella and Rosalie were going to kill me.

* * *

A/N: Can you imagine Edward, Emmett and Jasper sporting the skinhead look?

The ultimate show of solidarity for the brothers… they were a freakin tripod anyway. Tell me you love Edward and Emmett!

Please, please leave me your reviews…...share me your feelings of this chapter. Tissue anyone?


	15. Choices we make

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine

A/N: Thank you again for the wonderful reviewers. A special note to i- like - chicken for your wonderful input. Uhm..enjoy!

Summary: The choices we make pave way for the future we take.

* * *

**Chapter 12: The Choices We Make**

_Friday night, Supper with Bella_

**Alice POV**

" Jasper's sick..he's very very sick.." she sobbed.

I must have paled visibly because I felt physically sick. I slid down to the floor and pulled myself into a ball, wrapping my arms tightly around my drawn up knees.

On the one hand – I barely knew this guy. I didn't even think he was minutely interested in me. On the other, him being sick – very sick according to Bella, just established a profound revelation _ - _one that I wasn't too sure I wanted to hear myself. The lady psychic… she prophesied…..Jasper.. sick. Life..hang.. balance. Soul..mate.

_Oh no …no..no..no…no.._

"I'm sorry…" I heard Bella apologize. Whether it was because she felt bad that she had burst out crying in front of me or for the shocking revelation, I wasn't sure.

I felt her slide to sit in front of me and she mirrored my posture. Her face was a mess and her brown locks were tumbling over her face. Disinterestedly, I wondered how pretty she still looked. I bet if I cried, I'd looked like Courtney Love on a good day. That was bad.

I reached out and rubbed her arm.

"Bells…I'm sorry to hear about Jasper…" I hushed. I felt my own eyes starting to water at her sight.

She must really care for him to look so anguished like this.

"What's really wrong with him?" I asked. Her lips started trembling just at the mention of him. I mentally slapped myself. I shouldn't be so tactless.

"He…has leukemia," she murmured as her eyes watered again. I thought my heart was going to break from the anguish emanating from her brown eyes.

_Jasper. _

Leukemia.

_Oh god._

Complication.

Oh no.

In one evening, my smooth going, almost stumble free life had gone off tangent on me and skidded off to a direction I wasn't sure I wanted to go. Well maybe not quite skidded off yet...but I was definitely at the fork of 2 diverging roads. The one I was pretty sure where it would take me to, the other ..

Did I really want to find out where that road will take me?

_Tempting though isn't it Ms Alice?_

******

" What are you going to do?" she asked me.

" I..I don't know Bells.." I muttered, a little hopelessly. I truly did not know how to go about this new.._ I couldn't even put a bloody category to it_ – situation.

" I have to go back to Milan.." I said softly. Her head snapped up a little too fiercely. I flinched back. _God..if I didn't know better, I would've thought that she was his mother instead of his best friend – the way she was carrying about like an angry mother lion, bear was a bit much._

"I'm sorry…I..I can't just, I don't know what to do Bella!" I bleated desperately, somehow praying she'd notice the white flag flying frantically over my head. I didn't want to disappoint her but really, did she expect me to just leave my currently _complication free _life for this?

She seemed to have read my mind somehow because her tense shoulder sagged again, and the death glare she had on her eyes disappeared. She flashed me a weak smile.

"I'm sorry Alice.. God I don't know what's gotten into me…sorry I'm not quite rational right now," she mumbled and shook her head lightly.

" It's okay.. I know you didn't mean to snap at my head like that…" I chuckled a bit as an image of Bella snapping my tiny head off flitted into my mind.

"I so do not snap…" she whined and chuckled a bit herself.

" He's lucky to have you as his best friend you know .. you really care for him," I added on a little later. She smiled back wistfully.

A thought passed my mind. I thought of the road again..the other one.

He was a friend. _You think 3 - 15 mini dates qualifies you as one?_ I felt myself wince internally. Ok..acquaintance then. _that I happen to like a little bit more than just that._

"Do you think he'd...he'd mind if I call him?" I asked a little hesitantly and instantly bit my lip, not knowing what reaction to expect from Bella bear who was well within slapping, hitting, snapping distance from where I was.

"Oh Alice! You'd do that? Really?" she beamed. I had to let out my breath. She was okay with this.

" I'd love to.. I mean, I know we've only talked so much.. and .."

She cut me.

" No explanations needed," she clucked, waiving her hand in the air for emphasis.

"I think he would really really like that," she added.

You'd think that I was already fancying over this guy because I suddenly felt hyperaware that he never did ask for my number or even hinted about wanting to see me again. My mind started backpedaling before I even said go. I looked at Bella horrified.

" Maybe..maybe I shouldn't.. he probably thinks I'm stalking him or something..He never gave me his number..or or asked for mine.. or.." I started rambling. Bella shook me.

" Alice."

I bit my lip again.

"I think, no I know he will really appreciate it." She smiled, I shivered slightly at seeing the slight warning thinly veiled behind her wattage grin.

"Okay…." I mumbled. _ Why Oh why did I open my mouth?!_

******

I left Bella and the land of plenty on Sunday. I felt a little sad – perhaps because New York had grown on me somehow. No, that was not it. It was meeting Bella. I couldn't believe we simply picked up from where we left off, ten years ago. It was weird and somehow amazing as well. I knew she was a keeper when I bumped into her at the store many many years ago.

She had given me Jasper's cell number as well as the center's switchboard and Jasper's room number, just in case Jasper's cell was turned off, she had said, her eyes twinkling.

I was back at my desk in MDE Tuesday morning, having landed home yesterday and got the day's leave to work my jet lag off. It was back to routine and normalcy again. I sank in my chair, pen in mouth, and waited for the feeling of relief to settle inside me again.

None. That felt odd. While I enjoyed the thrill and adventure of going places – definitely a perk that came with this job, I had always relished the feeling of being home. It was grounding. I guess my years of moving places due to dad's demanding career attributed to this need to feel that I belonged somewhere. For the longest time, Italy was, is home. It was the only reason I returned after spending the better part of my teenage years in the land of the Vikings. Mom and dad returned home of course – to dad's family ground in Biloxi, after he retired, although at the moment they were busy enjoying the rustic life in the bushvelds of some African country. What a bushveld was, I had no idea. I just hoped they didn't get too friendly with the wild animals there.

"Alice, Marcus wants the reports for the New York office. Do you have it?" a sharp nasal voice interrupted my pleasant inner chatter.

The voice belonged to Gianna Marras. My colleague and competition. We were both juniors in the agency and she was mighty displeased and jealous, obviously that I was picked by the agency's head honchos to go to New York, even though she started a few months earlier than I did. I felt tempted to just roll my eyes at her. Just because she had Italian blood in her and looked like a model, it didn't make her superior to me. _Okay, maybe I was a tad bit jealous of her gorgeousness – all olive skin, green eyes, brown hair, modelesque qualities of her._ I couldn't give her the pleasure of seeing me get irritated though so I threw her one of my ever optimistic grins instead and jumped off my chair, reports in hand.

"Thanks Gi for reminding me, I was just about to go there myself!" I responded happily and strutted off. Marcus Didyme Events was an internationally renowned events management agency owned by Marcus Sargos and his wife, Didyme Lombardi. If there was a major event happening in Milan, or Italy for that matter, especially if it involved the rich and famous, you could be sure that they had a sizable cut of the pie in it. The agency had been around since I had been born, it was a long established and reputable name. I was only too happy when I managed to get an interview as an intern while I was still finishing my communications degree in UNIMI. A year and half of slogging later I was still here, and still a fly on the wall in the company structure. Work here was tough, a lot of running around and late night, last minute deadlines. I loved it though. It was part of the reason why I tried so hard to get in in the first place.

"Buon giorno Aro," I chirped happily to the gay janitor of the building and slipped into a waiting elevator to go up and meet the bosses. He waved at me just as the doors closed. I pressed the button to the 6th floor.

Marcus and Didyme were pleased with my performance in New York. _ Of course. Giving the best in what I do was only my motto!_

"Well Marcus, I think we may just have a candidate for New York," Didyme hummed, smiling at me. _ What, wait. What were they talking about? Candidate for New York as in not a junior anymore? Whopee!!!!_

I sucked my cheeks furiously, trying to hold the glee and grin that was bubbling to come out of my tiny self.

I saw Marcus nodding at his wife, agreeing with her genius deduction. When he turned his intense black eyes at me, I nearly jumped. Actually I did jump. I just hoped to God they didn't notice that. Marcus was ..well, he was a very intense looking man. If he wasn't my boss and I saw him on a dark alley one night, not that it would ever happen because Marcus and dark alleys did not share a category together – ever, but theoretically speaking, if it were to happen, I'd be shitting myself. Because his looks could kill. Literally. He smiled and the coldness of his face disappeared.

" Alice.. good job. If you keep this up for the next three months, we might just have to up your game, you look like you're ready for bigger challenges," he intoned warmly.

" Thank you Marcus, Didyme – for sending me in the first place. I enjoyed it." I replied happily, and without realizing it, I, in inimitable Alice fashion dragged one louboutin heeled foot behind the other and started bending my knee, my hands fisted on either side of my hip, lifted slightly as if I were holding the edges of my nonexistent skirt. _I had my skinny black ZARA pants on. _What was I doing???

" Alice?" Didyme jolted me back to the room and them.

"Huh?" I asked, straightening myself immediately. _Oh fffff.. I fucking nearly curtseyed???!!!!_

"Uh…nothing, I ..I thought you were going to curtsey to us just then…I must be dreaming.." she chuckled. I chuckled alongside her, silently groaning with relief that she stopped me from making that mortifying faux pas.

"Thank you Alice, you can go now… keep up the good work!" she chimed and winked at me. With a quick thanks I hurriedly left for the lift again so I could do my happy dance and somersaults in the relative privacy of the moving metal box as it took me down to my floor again.

Not even Gianna could take away the happy cloud hovering over me today. _She could try!_ I thought cheekily.

Like I said, MDE was a tough environment. Before the day was even over, I had already been assigned for two out of site jobs - a round trip to Rome and then Naples to assist with a couple of events MDE was organizing there. I barely had time to reminisce on my New York trip or my surprise reunion with Bella or a certain Cullen boy I had befriended.

********

_Tuesday night, post d-day_

**Bella POV**

Edward was coming back tonight. I was a nervous wreck. He had texted me early this morning to tell me that Jasper's result came out last night and it wasn't good. I broke down for my friend. He didn't deserve this. Then I asked Edward how he took it – he went silent. I pestered him, and he simply croaked that he couldn't, not over the phone. He would tell me when he got back tonight. My senses flashed red. It must have gone really bad if he couldn't say it over the phone. What did he do? What had happen? There were so many questions running in my mind that by the evening I was fidgety as hell.

I texted Alice to tell him of Jasper's result. She texted me back and sent her apologies. She hadn't call yet, running mad with work was her excuse. She promised to call the moment she had time. I felt bad for her. I shouldn't have made her feel like she was obligated to call him.

I was busy doing the laundry when I heard the familiar clanking of keys outside. I quickly measured the detergent and poured it into the detergent slot, closed it and pushed the button on, before racing outside to meet my man. God only knows how much I had missed him.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him. My eyes popped out of its sockets it seemed. Wha..wha.._NO!!!!! _

I must have screamed out loud because he cringed away and scratched his head nervously.

"_Hair! What...Hair!!!!!"_

I jabbered wildly as I pointed to his cleanly shaven head with a shaking finger. I must have looked utterly mortified because I sure did feel like it. I loved his hair – on him! Hell, Love didn't even describe it properly. I was probably obsessed with his hair. My wet dreams weren't complete without his gorgeous mane making an entry somewhere, usually with my fingers playing 2nd lead. People usually looked their worst in the mornings for obvious reasons – bad breath, sleep in their eyes, pillow creases on their faces, drool marks on their chin – but I loved watching Edward in the mornings. He was in his best elements then, most delicious. All due to the way his hair looked every time he got out of bed. His hair would be sticking out everywhere, this way and that. But instead of looking like a hobo, or Einstein, it always looked like a makeup artist spent 3 hours on it - at least, while he was sleeping. It was disheveled but artfully done_**. **__Beauty in chaos_. No guessing why we have a lot of morning sex!

But now…

"Bella, I can explain," he started, putting both palms up in the air - a sign of surrender, white flag? Truce? I huffed and crossed my arms on my chest.

"You'd better have a good explanation for this Edward Cullen.. this is not funny!" I retorted, sulking visibly. He knew that I was not pleased. I called him by his full name didn't I? My earlier worries regarding my best friend's state of physical, mental and emotional health were now temporarily chucked back into the freezer at the back of my brain as I visually stewed Edward's manhood in my boiling cauldron of fury. He had the courage to approach me and pulled me towards our couch. He then sat me down and promptly took a seat in front of me, thereby giving me an eye level visual of his new…head. I couldn't very well call it hairstyle anymore could I? He looked so alien without his mane. ALIEN.

"Bella," he started, looking at me with his pleading eyes. I almost gave in until I gave a cursory look over his head again and the fire under the cauldron was stoked back up. Did he make a bet with Emmett? I had to ask.

"You'd better not say this was a bet with Emmett.." I huffed gruffly. He dared to chuckle? I stared daggers at him and he shook his head gently, rubbing my arm with his hand. His motion cooled me a little and my standoffish stance melted.

"What happened?" I whined, looking at him. I still couldn't look at his head.

" I told you about Jasper's result.." he started. My body instinctively scooted closer to him so that my fingers were twisted in the hem of his buttoned down shirt as he started explaining.

Somewhere in the course of his explanation, I didn't know where exactly, the devastation and fury of seeing his hair gone, irrational as it was; was replaced by indescribable grief and heartache, and then later pride.

Grief for Jasper. Edward had described how he had reacted when the result was broken to him, how he had gone blank in a split second and furious in the next, practically screaming for everyone to leave him. How he had told the doctor that he didn't have the strength to do it that night. How he had shut himself from everybody. And how he had eventually cracked and cried to them. I couldn't stop the sob coming from my chest when Edward told me all the things he had said to them that night, how he had cried in their embrace. It took them hours just to comfort him. And how even after he had fallen asleep due to sheer exhaustion, the grief had continued to assault his mind even then. I felt grief for Edward too, I knew it must have been just as painful for him to have seen his brother broken like that. Even as he told me, I could see the visible emotion still playing in his eyes, painted on his face, revealed on the way he held my hands tightly as he recalled certain memories back to me.

And I felt pride for Edward and Emmett for the way they refused to leave Jasper even after he had rejected their help outright. Pride for them for being there to comfort my friend, where I could not. Pride for them for this unsurpassed act of love for their brother, a show of solidarity; that they were with him every step of the fight.

" I'm sorry Bella, I know..maybe I should've have spoken to you first before we went ahead with it," he said gently. I shook my head. There was no way I could be angry with him for this.

"No, Edward. It's me who should be sorry." I started, scooting even closer to him so that my face was mere inches from him. I looked at him in the eyes intently, wanting so much to convey the extent of my pride and love for him right then.

"My reaction was totally uncalled for. You did this..This," I pointed in exclamation at his shaven head,

" for love! How can I be angry at you for this..if anything, I love you even more. You're..a…amazing!" I exclaimed, beaming with unimaginable pride, tears running down my face. His face softened slightly then before it lit up into a beaming sunshine, and it was all I could do to throw my arms around him and shower him with a thousand kisses.

******

_Wednesday, SCCA_

**JPOV**

When I said yes to this repeat of hell, I obviously wasn't factoring the facts properly.

Was it possible to feel any sicker than last week? The answer would be yes. I felt horrible. No, horrible wouldn't do justice to what I was feeling right now. I wanted to die. My insides was on fire. I'd gotten used to the metallic taste in my mouth, but the bile added to it added new dimension to the word revolting. I had probably puked out enough bile to induce lipolysis on an extremely obese person and that person would emerged slim and slender – I should consider opening a slimming company.

_J, you're rambling nonsense._

_Groan._

What time was it? Time seemed to pass so slowly these days. Even with me constantly passing out like this. At least mom's gotten the hang of it. I'd hate for her to freak out every time I passed out on her. Dad told me as much how she freaked out the first time.

_When's the pain going away?_

_Oh shit.. here it comes again._

I vaguely noticed mom 's hand rubbing circles behind my back as I puked into the basin in front of me. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom to relieve myself now. _Pathetic? Yes._ It wasn't enough to rob me of my health, I had to be disrobed of my dignity as well.

One more week, then I'd be better.

_Really? What if the results don't come out any better?_

Then I'd kill myself. _How easy was it to just run a blade down your wrist the last time?_

No I wouldn't. I couldn't. I promised them. _But it hurt so much_. Dr R told me it would get better once the poison ran out of my vein. I would see better days, I just had to have patience. Faith. Well yeah, I was running very thinly on both.

Basin.

Cloth. Rub.

Basin.

Cloth. Rub.

It couldn't be easy being a nurse or a caretaker. Mom was doing such a good job, she deserved a medal. What had I done to her? Before this, her days were filled doing beautiful things - tending to her _conde nast_ garden, creating sumptuous food in the travertine kitchen dad had installed for her, decorating the house. Now her hands were full tending to invalid, puke smelling me. Not beautiful, but damaged and sickly. I felt my eyes water just thinking of it. I fumbled for her hand.

"Mo..m…love you," I rasped in my bile- metal smelling breath, suddenly needing to tell her that I appreciated all that she was doing for me, even as another spasm hit me and I mercifully went for the extended basin again. Her gentle comforting strokes on my back did not subside.

"I love you too sweetheart," she said to me softly as she planted a kiss on my now naked scalp. I inhaled her scent again. It was disappearing. She'd been too cooped up in this nasty room with me, she was even starting to smell like me.

"shoul..d go home..smell.." I gritted my teeth as another spasm swept through me. She waited for me to calm down before she responded.

"You saying I smell?" she asked, mock shock registering in her voice. I intended to laugh but my stomach was too sore, I ended up wincing instead. She laid her hand over the side of my face.

"No..you're starting to smell like hospital..like me," I responded, frowning a little.

"Well..that's ok..I don't mind," she replied kindly. Only a mother could be okay with that. If it were a normal person, say Rosalie or Alice – perhaps I would be getting a different sort of answer. A slap even, maybe. I had to chuckle. She raised her eyebrows at me in silent query.

"No..it's just that.. I like your rosemary scent..it always seems to soothe me," I explained softly. Her tired face broke into an appreciative smile. For a moment, I forgot the pain I was in. My mother was beautiful. Even with all those pain lines traced faintly on her face. An angel made flesh. I idly thought God must have taken his time when he sculpted her essence and being.

"What are you thinking sweetie?" she asked me, looking at me curiously.

"Art appreciation," I said vaguely. I felt another one coming and prepared myself.

Just five more days. I could do this.

******

_Milan, wee hours of the morning, Saturday_

**Alice POV**

It was the start of the weekend when I finally managed to recoup and relax. Even then I had a fat folder from work that I had to run through for Monday's meeting with Didyme and people from Milan's Annual Men's Fashion Runway Show that was to happen in June. I was excited, I would be slogging after Didyme for the first time.

_But enough of work. It was downtime. _

I closed the folder and carefully put it away on the coffee table. I took a sip of my chai latte and fished out my encrusted organizer from my bag. Yeah, people used blackberries these days, but I still loved the good old organizer – especially this fancy new one I got from Dempsey and Caroll. I flipped to the page I was looking for. There it was, in Bella's lazy handwriting. The numbers that had been running marathons in my head even more so since I got the text from Bella telling me his results didn't come out good. Should I? I looked at my wall clock. _Was it that late already?_ It was 2 am. It was probably evening there.

_Call? No call?Call?_

What the hell? I couldn't understand why I was even considering the pros and cons of making one single phone call. What harm could it do?

_Really Alice, it's one freaking call. It's not like you're committing yourself to a relationship!_

True. I thought. I was going to give it a shot. He was a good company in NY and he was ill. It was my obligation to make a courtesy call at least. My mind settled, I got up and skipped my way to the phone port sitting on my kitchen counter. I grabbed the DECT phone and made my way to my bedroom.

Having settled on my bed comfortably, I eeny minnied the numbers to call. The center won. I dialed it. For some reason, the squirrels in my tummy were doing backflips and I felt sick for a few seconds as I waited for the tone to tell me that the line was not valid or otherwise engaged. Gah! It was ringing.

_Seriously Alice._

"Seattle Cancer Care Center, how may I direct you," a voice sang through the line. I gulped and croaked Jasper's room number and his name. I was put on hold as she transferred me. One tone, two tone,

_I'll hang up if no one picks up on the fourth._

"Hello?" A lady answered the phone.

I gulped. My mind went blank. It took me another second to find my voice. By then the other person had said hello a second time.

"I..uhm..uhh.." I babbled incoherently. _Whatever happened to glib talker Alice! Who was this blundering fool on the line now!_ Talking was my art, and I was at a loss at how foolish I sounded now.

" Uh..is this Jasper Cullen's room?" I managed finally, cringing at my loss of composure.

" Yes..this is. May I know who is on the line?" the sweet voice asked. I couldn't help but note a tinge of italiano in her accent.

" Erm..ehh.._where's my manners,_ I'm ehh ah. Uh Alice. A friend of Jasper, from New York?" I stammered.

" Hi Alice. I'm Esme, Jasper's mom." She responded kindly, totally ignoring my obvious lack of conversational skills. I thought she sounded motherly.

" Nice..to ..err speak to you Esme..," I replied.

"I didn't know any of Jasper's friends knew he was ill," she said questioningly, although I was sure she wasn't posing it at me, merely pondering on it, like it was news to her. I wanted to tell her that I had actually gotten the number from Bella, but figured that we would stray into another whole new topic, which I wasn't sure I wanted to,so I kept my mouth shut. I stayed on the phone and listened to her soft breathing as she stayed silent for a few seconds more. It wasn't long before she spoke back to me, apologizing for keeping me.

" Ahh what was I thinking, I'm sorry dear, you must think me an old goat, keeping you on the line like this..,"

"No it's ok.. I'm fine waiting," I waived my hand in the air for emphasis, and then realized she couldn't actually see me doing that.

" Uhmm..can I speak to Jasper?" I asked softly.

" I'm sorry Alice , I don't think that's possible right now," she uttered hesitantly.

"It's just that Jasper's not feeling very well lately, and he is..resting," she added softly. I was disappointed.

"Ohh.. that's too bad.." I murmured a little sadly, accidentally. I hadn't intended to sound dejected but I did.

'I'm really sorry about this Alice, but it's the chemo's doing. He's not had a decent rest all week, and .." she trailed off. Somehow I sensed sadness in her voice.

"It's okay Esme, I understand. Sorry if I sounded disappointed.. I didn't mean to," I said honestly, blushing at my blunder.

"I can relay your message if you want, and perhaps you can try and call another time, tomorrow maybe?" she suggested suddenly, sounding very hopeful.

" Oh okay..I suppose that could work too," I grinned. " Please will you tell him Alice called to say hi and that I hope he's keeping strong , and to feel better soon?"

_Feel better soon? Oh God. Somebody just shoot me._ I made a facepalm at my stupid remark. But Esme didn't seem to notice that, or maybe she did, but she was kind enough to ignore it.

"That's very kind of you Alice. I'll be sure to tell him that, he'll be very pleased to know you called." She said encouragingly. Somehow hearing her words assured me and I beamed.

"Tell you what, why don't you call again tomorrow? He should be up by about 9 - 10 ," she informed. She must have assumed I was calling from New York.

"Where are you calling from Alice?" I was wrong to assume.

" Err…mmmm Milan?," I admitted, rather sheepishly. Her gasp on the other line made me giggle, until she started apologizing profusely again for keeping me on the line for long and for Jasper not being able to take my call. I shushed her and told her not to worry.

"Well, Esme..I'm sure you have other things to do..I'd better go now," I said to her. Truth be told, I rather enjoyed my short conversation with her. She seemed like a wonderful person.

"I'm sure you have other things to do too...I hope this long distance call isn't going to kill your bank balance..but it was really nice to hear from one of Jasper's friends..he needs more of these calls really. He's just too stubborn sometimes," her voice wandered off again. I suddenly felt bad for Jasper. No one called him? I was about to ponder about why none of his friend called him or if he had any other friends for that matter, when I remembered what Esme had said in the beginning of our conversation. He didn't tell anyone.

" Alice? What's your surname? I'm not sure if you gave it to me," she enquired suddenly, pulling me out of my thoughts.

" Brandon. Alice Brandon..tell Jasper it's," I felt a little cheeky suddenly, so I supplied," its' his mini date at Starbucks making a house call," I giggled.

Esme laughed. I found out that I liked the tone of her laugh as well.

"I will sweetheart. " she responded lightly. We said our goodbyes, in Italiano this time before I promptly hung up.

I sighed happily and turned to settle in my bed.

_Taking this road might not be so bad after all..._

My last thoughts were how well that call turned out to be and that I was going to call again at 6 pm today. I couldn't wait.

*****

_Saturday, SCCA_

**JPOV**

I woke up feeling much better today. The best I've felt in days. Thank God. I waited for the familiar feeling of nausea to pass me, but after 10 minutes of fidgeting around, I realized I seemed fine. _Fan-fucking-tastic!_

"You're looking good son," Dad commented as he came over to my bed and checked my head for bit. I grinned.

"I feel good." I replied. My insides was still raw, but at least I didn't wake up wanting to spill my gut out as usual.. If there was one thing I'd learn from this, it was appreciating the little victories. Waking up and feeling ok this morning was a little victory. A load of bullshit to some maybe, but not to me. I supposed if you've been to dark side and you knew how it felt to be constantly surrounded by the feeling of utter hopelessness and dread, you'd celebrate little victories like this too.

Little did I know I was going to have more reason to celebrate today. Christmas must have come early for me.

"Hi mom.." I called out when saw her come in with Jane in tow.

"You look good Jasper," Jane commented, winking at me. I winked back and told her as much. She started taking my stats as usual. Mom leaned in for a kiss, and looked at me with twinkling eyes. I looked at her questioningly.

"Did you get a present from dad or what? You seem awfully cheerful today.." I said. Mom looked at me horrified for a second. Dad let out a big laugh. Jane shook her head and chuckled. It took me a second to realize what I had just implied. _ Oh God._

" No..Oh god.. No.." I made a gagging sound.

"If you're about done gagging about your dad and me," she started, and I cringed at the image that passed through my head of dad and her again. Jane laughed out loud this time.

"You had a phone call last night," she said, smiling.

"yeah? Who was it this time?" I asked, thinking perhaps maybe it was Rosalie or Bella again, calling to threaten to cut my balls off again for making their partners less than perfect. The night after they had both returned to their respective places, I had a call from Rosalie threatening me for the horror that landed in front of her doorstep on Tuesday night. Rosalie thought Emmett looked like a shorn poodle. How Emmett became a poodle, with the big built that he had, I had no idea. Bella called me soon after and whined that she no longer had the motivation to have morning sessions with Edward. I nearly choked at that.

" Bells..I know we're best friends, but that's my brother you're talking about!!!" I had told her. She only laughed and told me it was the payback I deserved.

" Actually, it was Alice." She answered calmly. I nearly had a heart attack. The machine that was taking note of my heart rate went a little frantic for a second. I looked at her wide eyed.

" A..A..lice?" I asked again, not too sure I had heard her correctly the first time. She nodded and grinned, widely.

" You were sleeping last night and I didn't want to disturb you, "

_Why the hell not!!!!!_ My mind moaned.

" Anyway, she told me to tell you hi and hoped that you're keeping strong..and then...uh.. something about your mini date making a house call?" she added, I noted the question mark at the end of her statement.

_Mini date? She didn't! Well.. well... well look who's talking…._

"What else did she say..No…how long did you guys talk for??" I asked, getting a little bit nervous that she had had a conversation with Alice, Alice Brandon! At the same time, my mind was vaguely querying why I was getting all hyped up about this. It wasn't like I was pining on her or anything.

_I could've been fooled._

" Not long, 15 minutes.."

"15 minutes!?" I screeched. What in the hell did they talk about that took 15 minutes? I was about to ask her when the phone rang and Jane picked up the call. I was still looking at mom until she pointedly looked at the phone that Jane held out for me.

"That must be her now." She said cheekily. My mouth went 'O'. Jane had a big grin on as I took the handset from her hand.

_What was I going to say to her? breathe breathe_

" Err..hello.." I mumbled, cringing when I heard my voice shaking a little.

" Jasper? Uhh hi..it's uh..Alice, Alice from Starbucks?"

_How could I forget?_ My happy perfume. The nervousness that I felt initially was instantly replaced by a near euphoric feeling. I couldn't quite explain why but I didn't really care. This was the best feeling I've had in weeks.

_Wow. I must really like her._

That was a revelation, I thought to myself. My confidence renewed, I spoke into the phone.

"Hi Alice, sure I remember you, how could I forget… it's ..it's a pleasant surprise hearing from you," I started, grinning from ear to ear.

Christmas really did come early.

......

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A/N : Well..This chapter is pretty much a building block for further development of the story... did you like bella's reaction? no? please tell me what you think though..


	16. The Road Less Traveled: A Prelude

_Disclaimer: Characters are all SM's. _

_A/N: Thanks again all you faithful reviewers. I really do enjoy and get encourage to spin the story more when I get them so every bit helps and I soo appreciate it. You guys are the best. Dankie!_

_Summary: For all you Jalice fan, I definitely am!_

_Two roads diverged in a wood and I,_

_I took the one less traveled by,_

_and that has made all the difference_

_~Robert Frost~_

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**Filler 4: the road less traveled: A Prelude  
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_Saturday_

**Alice POV**

" I've got some questions,"

" Shoot," I said, and steadied my heart. _What was he going to ask?_

"How..did you know? How did you get my number?"

_Great! He must think I'm a stalker._ I thought of ways to explain but nothing seemed plausible enough so I decided to just go with the truth.

" Bella. I met her accidentally and Edward came up…"

" my surname," he stated. I nodded.

" Alice?" I groaned silently realizing I was on the phone, on the other side of the world, where he could not possibly have seen my action.

" Sorry…I mean, yes.. your surname came up." I scrambled immediately. He seemed to have made the connection there easily and didn't query more.

" explain Bella and you?" he asked next, not in a suspicious manner or tone, but merely curious inquiry. So I supplied.

" Bella and I met 10 years ago…" I started retelling about my history with Bella, recounting the wonderful 10 days I had with her back in Volterra many many years ago. He listened without interrupting, except maybe for a few chuckle here in there when I recounted something funny. He had a nice sounding laugh, chuckle whatever it was. Like his mother. But of course I knew that already, his laugh I meant.

"Wow, that's amazing," he exclaimed softly after I finished.

"what's amazing?" I asked.

" how you guys just picked up from where you left off," he supplied.

" I know… I thought so too!" I exclaimed, glad that he concurred with my thoughts. We laughed together for a few moments before silence pervaded our conversation again. I sensed he was thinking of asking me about something else.

"Um..I'm not sure if I should ask you this next one," he started.

"But you want to know, it's boggling you?" I supplied, smiling a little to myself. I could imagine his head nodding or his eyes squinting just a bit in agreement. _And his beautiful curls bouncing up and down as he bobbed his head._

" Fraid not anymore Ms Alice, our curls are shorn. We are naked as a baby's bum now," he said suddenly. I gasped and blushed hotly simultaneously. I was pretty sure it was from me having blurted my thoughts out loud, but it may have also been from the comment he had just supplied about him being naked...I wasn't sure.

_Alice Alice Alice..you have to infer everything in sexual terms don't you?  
_

" I..I didn't say that out loud did I?" I asked, even though I knew it was a moot question. He had already confirmed it. He returned my question with a hearty laugh.

" You're cute.. I can imagine you blushing red beet now," he intoned. _How did he know???_

" Okay,okay…enough about my faux pas there, you were going to ask me something you said?" I redirected the conversation to his previous question again.

" Why..why did you decide to call me?"

I facepalmed myself. How to answer that?

I couldn't quite tell him that I had a dream or two about certain features of his – many many years ago could I? Neither could I tell him about the psychic story – Noooo that would just scream 'crazy woman' to him.

I went for the concise version. Safest bet.

" I really enjoyed our coffee break, put it that way," I said. It was honest, not quite the entire story, but it was honest at least. Before he could put a question to it, I added a bit more.

" I was a stranger there in New York, and meeting and talking to you, even if we only talked for a short while every time, it made me feel less of an outcast, like I was back in Milan, back at home. I was very grateful to have made an acquaintance at least," I cringed slightly when I said the 'a'- word. I wanted to say friend, but I didn't want to push it, not quite knowing what he felt about me and our 'mini dates' at Starbucks.

" Anyway, I had wanted to take you out for lunch or supper before I left –you know to thank you for your kindness, talking to an unknown stranger and making her feel at home, but you had disappeared then," I added. I felt a twinge of sadness when I recalled the last 2 weeks in New York when I hadn't been able to find him at our usual spot.

"So..anyway..to sum it all up - the answer to your question there was ..I wanted to thank you..for.. for being a uhh… a friend to me back in New York," I finished.

His quiet response of 'ohh' told me that he was quietly accepting my reasoning. I didn't know if I was happy or sad that he didn't press on but I figured quickly that it wasn't important. The fact that we were having an amiable conversation was the main story here.

"That's why I asked Bella really, and then.. then she told me about .." I hesitated, as I didn't know if I should say it.

"My illness," he stated almost quietly. I nodded instinctively. In my head, I imagined how sad his face must look like now. And if I had been there in front of him, I would have wanted to touch his face and comfort him. For some reason, I had a feeling he would've appreciated that. Even if it was from an acquaintance – friend he barely knew. It was then that I realized that we hadn't quite broached the topic of his illness since we started our conversation; except for the initial how are you feeling in the beginning. I thought it best to convey my feelings about it now.

" I'm sorry to hear about you .. getting sick," I said as plainly as I could. Somehow it felt wrong to say the actual word to his face.

" It's okay… you..can say it." He answered softly.

" Okay.... if you say so.." I answered awkwardly. But I didn't want to say it, and there was no need to. I decided then that I would take it cool with this issue. If he wanted to talk about it, I wouldn't stop him, but I wouldn't pester him about it either. He seemed to be reflecting for a moment and I listened to the rhythmic hum of his soft breathing as we let the silence pervade our space again. For some reason, the silence that had been darting in and out of our conversation - _how long had we been talking?_ - didn't feel the least bit awkward. It felt, how could I put it - it was a conversation in itself, same quality, just needing no words.

"I gathered Bella told you as much, I didn't pass the first test?" he finally spoke.

"Yeah..I'm.." I was about to say sorry again, then changed my mind. He didn't need any more pity, even if my saying sorry wasn't intended that way.

" I did.. and I got worried." I said instead.

" I had wanted to call you sooner, but got tied at work, but I hadn't stopped thinking about .. you since I got her text," I admitted, feeling a little silly now for blurting what I had been feeling then.

" You did?" he asked. He sounded, pleased? Maybe I was dreaming.

" I did." I answered. For some reason, I didn't want to know what he'd make out of that so I continued on.

"Your mom told me it's been a rough week for you, I take it you're feeling a little better now?" I asked.

" Yeah..definitely." I heard the smile in his answer. Not the yellow smileys you get in IMs or skype, a real dimpled smile that went with his hair and eyes. Warm sunshine on a balmy day in a subtropical coast somewhere. I felt myself getting cosy and snuggly just by the thought of it.

" Me too sunshine," I responded wistfully, and belatedly realized I had blurted out my thoughts of him and how it made me feel out loud. Again.. _Eeeks!!_ I turned beet red again and fanned myself profusely as i felt the heat creep up from my chest up my neck and cheeks.

He chuckled.

" You too what? What were you thinking just then?" he asked. He was teasing me now. How did we get to this point so quickly?

" I uh…uhh..ahhhrghh....you're teasing me," I ended up saying, sticking my tongue out at my embarrassing blunder. He let out a hearty laugh again.

" I'm glad my being embarrassed made you laugh," I responded this time, teasing him back.

" Ahh well..it is nice to laugh on account of you, or rather because of you. I didn't mean to embarrass you, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.." he answered lightly. I giggled. I liked his response, even if he did laugh on account of me. He returned to my previous inquiry.

" I guess I did have a ..rough week.. stronger meds, I guess that should have been expected…but..I think the worst has passed, I slept pretty ok last night..and I feel much better today," he explained plainly.

" my next definitive test will be Thursday next week..I'll find out if I .." his voice faltered suddenly.

" I'll be holding thumbs for you Jasper," I cut him immediately, sensing his discomfort right then. He was silent. I scrambled for the next sentence to say to him.

"You know what I think?" I started again, injecting a dash of perky in my voice. Hoping it would take bait.

"I say take it one day at a time…" No response.

"You're feeling good today, it's a little victory." I supplied even more, my voice sounded a bit more imploring than before.

" every little step counts," he finally responded, the inflection in his voice, soft as it was, told me he was keeping a positive outlook about it. I smiled, relieved.

" Yeah.. that's about right," I answered reassuringly.

I heard some commotion going on at the background just then. Voices taking his attention away from our conversation. I heard him pull away from the receiver and I noted the feeling of loss somewhere inside of me when I couldn't hear his soothing breathing in my ear. He returned seconds later.

"Alice..I have to go..Jane and mom are threatening to take phone privileges away.." he chuckled a bit and then said, "checkups and med time and stuff," he explained, his voice sounding a little disappointed.

My shoulders sagged. I didn't want to hang up yet. Phone bills be damned.

" Okay.. I should probably go too…" I answered sullenly. Then just as quickly, I perked up again.

" Jasper?" I called out.

" Yeah?"

" Thanks…for talking to me.., I mean the opportunity… I mean…" _ oh shit. I thought I passed this blabbering stammering shit!_

" I mean… I really enjoyed talking to you in New York..and I really enjoyed talking to you now," I said calmly now, mentally letting out a breath of relief that I hadn't totally messed up my closing speech.

" Alice, I'm really really glad you called." He answered. It was a sincere and heartfelt answer. I could feel it in every word he enunciated and I felt warm all over.

" And Alice.."

"yeah?" I breathed.

" I don't want you to read into this or anything, but this… this is the best feeling I've had in weeks..since…since I found out. So I should be the one thanking you really.. " he said, releasing his breath at the end.

_Well Robert Frost - you made sense after all. _

" Will..will I hear from you again?" he asked suddenly, albeit very softly, like he was unsure if he should've asked.

" I thought you'd never ask.." I grinned. I could feel that he was grinning on the other side as well.

" What time is there?"

" It's almost 7.30 in the pm," I responded.

" Well Ms Alice, I hope you have a** fantastic** evening. Thank you sunshine.." he uttered genially. I giggled embarrassingly at his utterance of my blunder again.

" Speak soon..and ..have a good, smooth sailing day Jasper," I intoned.

" Speak soon…"

" Ciao.."

I finally hung up, grinning from ear to ear.

As I danced my way to the kitchen to make supper, I did not notice the added spring that seemed to have appeared on each and every step I took.

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A/N: please review and tell me what you think of Jasper's and Alice first telephone conversation? There will be many more.....inputs and ideas on this are soo welcomed!


	17. Recovery & Revelations

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed and continue to spur this story on.

Summary: Jasper has been through some hell... the silver lining is finally on the horizon.

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**Chapter 13: Recovery and Realization**

_Saturday_

**JPOV**

To say that I was happy that Alice called was an understatement. I was soaring, like Icarus with his new set of wings. With regards to Ms Alice Brandon, I knew this much was true. I liked her. Maybe a lot more than I should for someone I had just known for less than 24 hours, if I considered the actual time we had actually spoken with each other.

Having spoken to her earlier today, our longest to date, I knew in my heart that I was wrong to assume her to be like Maria, wrong to judge her purely by the designer clothes she wore. She was much much more than Maria could ever endeavor to be. They were poles apart. She had a sweet innocence about her that matched her pixie size. And yet, she seemed mature beyond her age. If her responses in our conversation were of any indication, then she was a truly caring creature, like she wouldn't harm a fly if she could avoid it. When I had spoken about the test I was due to take this Thursday and fear made me unable to finish my sentence, she took the initiative to shore up my courage immediately, and steered me away from morbid thoughts. She was unrelenting, had I remained silent for the duration, I believed she would have plucked out one encouraging sentence after the other until I gave in. Every little victory counted she had said. She even matched my words. I was silently awestruck.

I really liked her.

My mind reeled back to the last relationship I had had. It was my first and until now, the possibility that it was also my last was pretty likely.

I hated to admit this, but Maria fucked me up 6 times. Perhaps it was my fault to have allowed myself to fall for her so deeply in the first place, even though everyone kept on telling me I was too young to have known better. _Maybe they were right, what did I know of love then_? In any case, she messed me up really bad. Trust was something alien to me after her. Bella's helped me along the way, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I had totally overcome my issues concerning women and trust. One night stands were the extent of my relationship with women for the last four years. _Fucking tragic_. What could I say but that I was too afraid to get too close again. Afraid of getting hurt again, and having to relive the insanity of dealing with the pain that came along with it. Yes, those who saw the marks, knew that Maria had hurt me physically, and some of those were even of my own doing – the times when she challenged me to prove myself to her. I believe horrified did not quite describe mom and dad's response when they found out. It wasn't enough, she introduced me to drugs. I reckoned I only took them because like the bloodletting, they numbed me from the emotional abuse she was continuously inflicting on me. No, I wasn't talking about physical pain. The physical pain I could take, and I did. They hurt but then they healed just as easily. But how to heal wounds you couldn't see? or touch? In my mind's eye, I could see every wound she inflicted on my soul, bleeding as they were, but I could do nothing about it, except to struggle to breathe and survive even as I watched, like a silent observer - for the wounds to weep even more or close up of its own volition.

I didn't know which was worse, the fact that I knew our relationship wasn't healthy and I still fought for her, thinking that it would change somehow for the better, or that after dad forced it to end, I became even more distraught than I thought possible. Those were dark days that still haunted my sleep sometimes.

Another revelation.

_I trust Alice._

For reasons I myself couldn't explain, I felt like I could trust her implicitly. And I wasn't scared to do so.

_One word. Wow._

********

**_Tuesday_**

I woke up _neutropenic _today. My blood work indicated so. Jane told me that my neutrophils count was at 0%.

In layman's term, my immune system had crashed, and I was without germ fighting cells to protect me if I were to contract any infection, at least until my system started recovering again. The chemo had done what it was supposed to do. I knew the rest of the week would be a flurry of blood tests and scans, and round the clock observations for infection. I chuckled. I was getting accustomed with the routine faster than I expected. Somehow it was comforting to know that I wasn't half as overwhelmed by all the procedures now as I was in the first two weeks.

"What's so funny?" Jane asked me as she did her usual thing with me every morning, afternoon and evening. In the relative short time she'd been my nurse, she'd become as much a family as my family was.

"Just getting used to the routine," I responded, smiling. She didn't feel the need to respond with words. She smiled back quietly.

The phone rang just then.

Cue for my bright smile. Jane seemed to have caught the cue as well because she grinned just as wide.

"Aren't we popular suddenly?" she teased as she picked up the phone. I suddenly felt like a little boy waiting for his present. Jumpy and all excited. I couldn't contain it. I was practically bouncing on my bed.

"Room 603….Oh Hi Alice. How are you? I'm Jane.. Jasper's nurse… great...he's been expecting your call for the last two days…" My eyes popped out.

I instantly made a sign for Jane to cut it. _What the hell?_

"Hang on Alice..here he is.." she laughed silently as she passed the phone to me. I made a cutthroat sign to Jane to tell her she was dead afterward. She merely laughed harder.

"Hello?" I answered into the phone. She replied. I had never heard a sweeter sound. She sounded like windchimes, blowing in the breeze on a cool summer's day. Tinkling sometimes, singing at other times.

It was evening in Milan. She had just finished work. I asked her how her day went. And she launched into her animated reporting instantly. I loved listening to her talk even if she did seem to have the tendency to roll ten stories into one at one go. I didn't think I could ever get bored of listening to her. It was strange in a way because the way we were carrying ourselves, she didn't feel like a stranger at all, or someone I had just gotten to know. She slipped into my life like she was meant to be in from the very beginning.

She complained about a certain girl called Gianna. Already I disliked her.  
"I already don't like her," I told her. _Weird_. I didn't even know this Gianna. It didn't matter. She was making life hard for Alice. She laughed out loud at my blind loyalty. Soprano. Impulsively, I pressed the receiver closer to my ear, wanting to hear all of her; and commit her sound into memory.

We chatted for over an hour before she had to go. Work related event, she said, she needed to prepare.

I felt sad for a little bit when I hung up. Just like it was in the last call. But the euphoric feeling of having chatted to her remained for the rest of the day. I didn't even realize when I started running a temperature during the day. Dad and Jane fussed over me, but I was too happy to care. What could I say, Alice was a pleasant distraction.

******

**_Wednesday_**

Been running a temperature since yesterday. They'd been running cultures since yesterday too. Unknown sources as yet.

Alice was at the back of my mind.

I was wracked with chills. My chest was tight.

Vaguely, I heard dad talking to Jane about them moving me into ICU if my fever didn't dissipate anytime sooner and they couldn't locate the source. Anonymous bugger.

_What?_

Surely I wasn't that bad. I didn't feel half as bad as when I was puking my guts out? Maybe they were just taking precautions. I was neutropenic after all.

I had a chest x-ray done.

Dr R inserted a tube into my throat today. Damn that thing hurt. They were worried about a lung infection. How in the hell did I get that? _Phone maybe? Whoops._

I woke up later this evening with a mask over my face. I felt woozy and heavily medicated.

Dad was hovering over me, a cotton mask over his face.

The room looked different. More sterile.

"Where?" I tried to ask but the mask was muffling my voice.

"You're in ICU. You passed out this afternoon wheezing after the bronchoscopy." He told me worriedly. Did I? Why couldn't I remember that?

Damn, did I worry them again?

_Alice. Think Alice._

I felt better instantly. I pulled the mask away briefly, even though dad tried to stop me.

"I don't remember.." I told him over the drowsiness that was hanging over my head.

"That's okay….you just rest Jasper," he said comfortingly, brushing my non - existent hair.

"Is it bad?" I inquired. My concern was more on account of them rather me really. Was it why they moved me here?

" No..nothing, nothing for you to worry about. They just want to keep a closer watch on you," he supplied gently. I nodded. I was getting sleepy again. I decided I wasn't going to worry about it; between dad, Dr R and Jane, I knew I was in good hands.

_I dreamed of Alice. Pixie Alice sitting on my bed, chatting to me and running her tiny hand over my bald head. Comforting me with her musical voice and her big expressive gray eyes. Animated pixie Alice. She treated me like a normal person. Like I wasn't sick. That's why I liked her. _

******

**_Thursday_**

Today passed me by.

I did not get to do the test.

_I still dreamed of Alice. She looked a little worried. "Time to wake up J," she entreated me. I felt compelled to grant her wish._

I fought to wake up but I was too woozy from the medication they were feeding me. So I gratefully returned to the comforting darkness again.

******

**_Friday/Saturday?_**

I found out today I had been pretty sick for the last couple of days. I didn't even realize it.

I woke up feeling as if I had been on a long slumber and was hung over. I'd been asleep two straight days according to dad.

"You scared us," Dad told me softly. _ Again? I was going to be the death of them._

"Hi honey," Mom greeted. She looked worse for wear.

"I'm sorry," I answered, guilt overtaking me. It was a stupid response, because it wasn't really my decision or choice to get sick or not, but I felt bad anyhow. Dad shook his head, telling me it was not my fault.

"What happened?" I asked and swiped my chest. The port was gone!

"You had a lung infection from the catheter. They had it removed, for now." He managed a tight smile.

"They caught it early though, Thank God, but they still had to medicate you so you could recover faster. I think you were wiped out by the antibiotics." He supplied me with more info. I was still a bit perplexed that I couldn't remember a thing still.

"Is it over?" I asked for confirmation. Both of them nodded this time.

"Oh Good…I don't think I can bear seeing you guys worrying over me for a moment longer," I murmured, smiling a little. They returned it with a tired smile of their own. It was the weirdest thing. Every time I had been down with fever, it seemed to have skipped me over it like it never happened, but my parents suffered greatly for it. It wasn't fair on them really. It was another reminder and proof that this illness didn't just affect me, but everyone around me as well. It just made me hate it even more. I couldn't wait for it to be over. All of us needed our lives back. Belatedly I remembered the BMB test I was supposed to have taken on Thursday. I looked at dad horrified.

"What about the test?!" I asked worriedly. Was this going to affect anything? He smiled at me.

"They did the test while you were out. Dr Rodriquez thought he might as well save you the trouble of going through the pain," he stated. I should have been relieved that I didn't have to go through the BMB test lucid, but I was too anxious to be.

" And???" I felt my heart hammering in my chest as my hand gripped mom's tightly. I was afraid to hear that I had failed again. The last memory of me getting the result was still too close for comfort.

"You're in complete remission son.." Dad answered a little emotionally, but the grin on his face was pure elation. The feeling was instantaneous. I felt like Icarus again. Soaring. _Jesus! I beat it!!!I beat it!!! _

I pulled mom to me and gave her the tightest hug I could manage and I pulled dad in for the second one. The dam broke again, but it was a happy one for once and I didn't mind it one bit.

"Now you just need to get better and not get sick while you're at it," Mom nagged between her happy tears. Her request was ludicrous, I had no control of if and when I got sick at this rate but I laughed nevertheless. A really happy laugh. I was still soaring from the good news. I was finally given the upper hand over this illness. For the first time in weeks, I felt a measure of control return to me and it felt damn good. I still had a chance. I still had a future to look forward to. Our lives could go back to normal soon.

"Emmett and Edward? Do they know?" I inquired anxiously. I had a feeling they would have wanted to join in the family hug.

"They're outside, Bella and Rosalie too…Only two allowed at a time," Dad informed. I was still in the ICU apparently.

Dad turned serious for a moment then and he looked at me, holding my hand down, as if trying to still the happiness that was bubbling out of me like champagne. I looked at him curiously.

"I know you're very happy right now, and so are we all, but I need you to know that this doesn't mean that it's over.. do you understand?" he asked, looking at me for a sign of comprehension. It was the doctor in him talking. He seemed a little contradicted – I could imagine the dad and doctor inside him fighting to gain the upper hand and whilst the dad in him wanted to celebrate this tiny victory with his son, the doctor wanted me to remain pragmatic about the news. My hand relaxed in his grip, and I felt my face relax as well. I understood his concern.

"Dad…Thank you. I'm very happy, as you can see.. but I also know that I still have a long way to go. This is just the beginning of it. But I think we've overcome one of the bigger hurdles haven't we?" He nodded with confirmation and smiled.

"Every little victory counts." I grinned happily. At the back of my mind, I saw Mr Leukemia fuming and a short while later, his misshapen head disintegrated into gaseous air as my aim hit him square in the face. I laughed silently in triumph.

_Alice. Did she know? I wondered if she did and if she did, was she celebrating as well? I wanted to share this with her. I wanted to call her._

*******

_Somewhere in Italy, Sunday afternoon._

**APOV**

I was busy running around after one of the producers, in yet another event when my phone vibrated from inside my jacket pocket. A message.

I pulled it out quickly, hoping to God it was a good message from Bella telling me that Jasper was on the mend. I had called again on Wednesday evening to speak to him. I knew I was probably bordering on the obsessive calling every two days but I couldn't help myself. I loved talking to him. I got on a natural high when we did talk, and the high would remain for a while and a bit before it would subside and I would get fidgety and morose again. And then it would time for another call, because I was seriously hooked. It was weird and amazing as well, because we talked about nothing special in particular really. Just a friend updating on a friend. And yet, it felt special every time. Given the chance, I could go on and on just talking to him. He didn't seem to mind that I had verbal diarrhea. He wasn't much of a talker, and I didn't mind that, because I could feel he was listening to every word I was saying. The funny thing was I could almost picture him holding the receiver closer to his ear, as if he was trying to hear more of me. I was probably imagining it, but even so, it made me feel really warm inside.

Jane, his nurse answered the phone and I got the fright of my life when she said that they had moved him to ICU the day before. I had only known Jasper really for a short while, but in that period, I'd grown to care for him. _Crazy? Perhaps._ I wasn't about to psychoanalyze my feelings right now though, the time would come. Right now, I was just worried about a friend's health. Jane told me as much that he had had a lung infection but they had caught it early. He was under heavy medication to help him recover. I had wanted to ask more but she didn't have any more info for me. I texted Bella immediately and told her to keep me in the loop.

I had been running on adrenaline since then. I looked down on my phone. Bella! I opened the message and quickly read through it.

_Alice. Jasper Ok. He woke up briefly this morning. Test good. He is in remission! YAY! xxxbella._

Without intending to, I cried. I wanted to hug someone suddenly. My friend was alright and he was on his road to recovery.

I wanted to hear him desperately now. But I knew he was probably still out of it or maybe he was celebrating the good news with his family. I would have to wait.

I shove the phone back into my pocket, determined to get through the day before I tried calling him. Maybe tomorrow, I thought. The damn thing vibrated again. Private number. I wondered who it was.

"Hello?" I spoke into the phone.

"Hey Alice," his voice was raspy. As if he'd been under water for a long time and had just come out. But it was the voice I'd been wanting to hear nonetheless. I felt the onset of tears coming and bit my trembling lips. I couldn't explain why I was acting so emotionally about it, but I sure was happy to hear him talking.

" Jasper?" I breathed, hoping to God he couldn't hear the tremble in my voice.

" Are..are you alright?? You okay now?? Are you still sick?? You sound horrible.." the questions just started stumbling out of my lips. I was almost expecting him to chuckle again as he usually did sometimes, but he was quiet. I thought something was wrong. Instantly I worried that I might've have read Bella's message wrong!

" Jasper?" I implored.

" You've been crying." Was all he said. _Traitorous voice!_ I mentally chided myself for being so transparent suddenly.

" I ..I called on Wednesday night, Thursday morning..Jane told me you were in ICU…I got worried." I admitted lamely.

" I'm sorry sunshine. I got a bit ill." He replied, totally downplaying his illness.

" A bit?!" I said shrilly, without intending to. I told him what Jane told me about him being put under heavy medication. He chuckled this time.

" I swear..I didn't feel a thing. I was..out for the duration. Though, I felt bad for my parents, they were the ones who suffered." He muttered. I wondered briefly if he was inane, if he even understood the consequences of him falling ill, even if he didn't feel a thing. I felt a flash of anger pass me. He picked it up immediately. That boggled me. That he did.

"Why are you angry?"

"I don't want to talk about it." I muttered hotly.

"Alice..please, whatever it is I'm sorry," he started then coughed. I felt a little bad. He was probably still recovering and here I was making him talk. I breathed out, wanting to apologize.

"I'm sorry, I'm probably just tired and over reading your words, your voice." I began, but I was too late, my irritation got the better of me.

"But the way you downplay the fact that you were ill, it's like you don't really care that you got ill. Meantime everyone around you have been freaking out like there's no tomorrow because **you could possibly die from a** **stupid infection**!" I blurted hotly, from anger and worry all mixed together.

My anxiety from the last three days had reached its climax. The dam burst again and I didn't care if he heard it now or thought that I was over reacting. After a few minutes though, I somehow realized what a fool I must have looked like to him, blubbering the way I did. After all, I had just known this guy a few days. I backpedaled desperately.

"I'm sorry! ..I don't know what got over me.." I stammered pathetically once I had checked that my sanity was still in existence, though barely. He was still silent; probably contemplating on why he was even talking to a crazy fool like me.

"Alice listen... I really am sorry. God, I didn't mean it that way at all. I do worry that I get sick, I mean I know how bad getting sick is for me and everyone else.. I ..I just.. I didn't want you to worry anymore than you already were. You're a good friend, I've already burdened you enough, I really didn't mean it that way.." he said apologetically. He sounded so sincere about it, that I was appeased immediately.

"Okay.. I believe you.." I sniffed. And then he chuckled.

"What's so funny?" I asked, totally mystified.

"You..it's so easy to win your trust.." he responded. I gasped in retort. He chuckled even more. And just like that, we were back to being okay. I asked him if he was really okay, just to double check; and he confirmed to me that he was in fact on the mend.

"Why did you call by the way? Did Jane tell you I called?" I asked. I'd forgotten about Bella's text about the test.

"I just.. I just wanted to share something with you.. I'm, I'm in remission." He said very softly, as though it was a'divine' news. I remembered Bella's message immediately. And how elated I had been when I read it the first time. I squealed.

"I'm so happy for you Jasper!!" I exclaimed excitedly. Now he really laughed. A barrel of a laugh. I squealed even more.

"…little victory..every little step counts right?" he reminded me again of our previous conversation; after I had sufficiently calmed down enough for him to talk.

"Yeah..that's about right," I reiterated my words back to him. I saw one of the producer tapping her wrist at me furiously then. _ Shit. I had totally forgotten I was at work today!_

" Jasper..I need to go, my producer is about to shoot me…but..thank you for calling me and sharing me the good news.. I am soooo chuffed for you. We'll speak soon okay?" I spoke quickly.

"I'm happy I called sunshine..We'll speak soon! Take care," he chirped. I waited for the click before I flipped my phone close and rushed towards my imminent death.

*******

_SCCA, Room 603_

**JPOV**

I hung up the phone dazedly, still grinning from ear to ear.

"Geez dude..you look like…" Emmett started but Edward stopped him with a punch to his shoulder.

" Let him be Emm.." he chided. I was too lost in my euphoria to be concerned about my brothers talking about me. Bella scooted up and wrapped her slender arm around my shoulder and I leaned against her head as usual.

" I'm so happy for you Jazz." She murmured. I nodded in agreement. I was. Very happy. We shared a silent moment as we usually did when words couldn't convey what needed to be said.

" So… Alice.." she pulled away and gave me a cursory look. I feigned innocence. I didn't know why I even bothered to try.

" Don't give me that bullshit Jasper Cullen.." she warned. My brothers' ears were pricked and listening as well.

" I like her.." I stated. Bit my bottom lip. Bella looked at me pointedly, waiting.

" I like her a lot.." I reworded myself properly and grinned. Responding in a way only a girl would, Bella squealed and threw her arms around me.

" You don't know how excited I am for you!!!! She..she's perfect for you.." she whispered, almost sniffing. _Girls. _I grinned in her hair.

" I know…I feel exactly the same," I responded.

" I just wish she wasn't so far away though…" I muttered honestly. Happy as I was about acknowledging how I felt for her to my brothers and Bella, I couldn't deny the apparent hurdle of pursuing a relationship with her. She was a thousand miles away in Milan and from the sound of it, she had carved a pretty decent life and career there. And I wasn't a selfish pig to expect her to just jump ship and join my rickety one. Had I the choice, I would go to her, but I couldn't, owing to my situation. I looked at them, the looks on their faces told me they understood what I was pondering about.

" If this is the extent of my relationship with Alice, I'll take it..I'm pretty blessed just to have her talk to me as it is," I said resignedly.

" Who knows J, things might just come round," Emmett offered.

" I don't know, she's got a pretty decent life and career going for her there. I couldn't expect her to just drop everything for something as…." I faltered. The dawning realization hit me.

" unstable as me.." I finished dejectedly. I might have beaten this, but it could still come back. Next month, next year, 5 years from now. How could anyone want to live in the uncertainty that my life presented now?

The truth couldn't have been more defining than that. As much as I wanted to pursue Alice, I couldn't. I had nothing to offer but uncertainty.

" Look J, anything can happen.. look at me, Bella chose me over…that Mike Newton guy," Edward tried to comfort me. Bella and I just ended up gagging. What did Mike Newton have that he didn't?

" Geez Edward, that was a bad comparison..Mike Newton?!"

" Okay…look at Emmett, Rosalie chose him.." He offered again. Emmett looked positively hurt.

" Hey…don't hurt my pride, I've got things to offer to the dragon," he retorted. Rosalie, who was talking to mom, snapped her head briefly towards Emmett. The rest of us positively balked at the look she gave him. He was truly whipped, my brother.

" All Edward is saying Jazz, is just give her time.. give it time..I know Alice, she won't throw away something worthwhile for something as grasping as a career. She's not like that." Bella added. I wish I was easily convinced by her words this time.

" Yeah well whatever it is, I'm not going to push her. If we stay the way we are, I'm happy." I said with finality. I was lying to myself, and I knew it.

Another Revelation.

_I wanted more. _

_For the first time in years, I wanted something more._

*******

_4 weeks later…_

" Well Jasper, you going back tomorrow," Dr Rodriguez informed my parents and me this evening.

It was the best news I've heard so far. By the looks I was getting from all of them, dad and mom, Dr R, and Jane herself, they were also very pleased to hear it.

" How long?"

" A month and then you get back in for the consolidation round."

" I think I can live with that…" I replied happily. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face even if I tried to.

I was going home.

I was going home.

_Oh My God..I made it…_

* * *

A/N: Guys ...what do you think? Do leave a review after reading...


	18. Breathing Space

Disclaimer: Character are not mine, they are SM's.

A/N: Am wondering if this story is getting too dragging? I only got a handful of reviews for the last chapter. Thanks to those who continue to read. I will continue to write no matter....:-))

Summary: Ahh...respite from bad weather. We all need to breathe sometimes, especially a particular Cullen boy.

* * *

**Chapter 14: Breathing Space**

_(Respite from bad weather)_

_note: italicized texts with ~ are text messages~_

**JPOV**

~_Hey Sunshine. It's 12pm here. Just letting you know, am on the way home.~ _

I texted her.

We moved from telephone conversations to texting 3 weeks ago. I was getting concerned about the phone bill my tiny friend was starting to rake up and suggested the alternative. If I had thought the new alternative would mean less calls from her, I was wrong. She still called every couple of days. Not that I minded listening to her natter all day, but I told her she was mad. She only laughed louder. _ God I loved hearing her laugh._

_~Hey Jazzy. Thx for the heads up. Was gon call u now. Hse phone number .A~_

Jazzy? That was new. I chuckled. She was relentless. I texted her my parents' landline number. Mom turned around from where she was sitting in front and asked me if I had forewarned Alice about my leaving the center.

"Just texted her." I answered. She smiled a carefree smile. I returned it willingly. The last time I'd seen that smile on her face was when ..when I returned home that afternoon, 8 weeks ago. A tiny sliver of sadness swept through me. I'd taken so much away from my family since contracting this illness. They had virtually lived their lives around me for the last 8 weeks and I knew it wasn't going to stop anytime soon. I still had 3 rounds of consolidation therapies to go through. And in between, I'd be recovering in Forks with mom and dad. Give and take, I'd be spending the rest of my year with them. I wondered if they would resent me for this one day. I practically returned home unannounced and turned the life they had comfortably settled into 5 years after we'd all left upside down.

"Honey..what do you feel like eating today?"

I looked at dad. He looked at me. We laughed. Ever since I got my appetite back about 2 weeks ago, she'd been asking me what I wanted to eat on a daily basis, and driving me up the wall as a result.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Mom, I've just eaten not an hour ago.." I responded. What did she want to do to me? Turn me into a whale?

I understood her obsession though. Anyone who knew me or saw me before cancer took over, would be aghast to see me now. Before this nightmare started, I weighed in at 165lbs, slight build but still fairly healthy for my height; and within a month, no thanks to the 2 rounds of induction I'd had to do and the subsequent puke fest, fever and other side effects of chemo, I managed to dwindle down to a sorry 130lbs. I'd lost an average of 1 pound per day give and take. I looked like a skeleton, my ribs were poking out painfully from underneath my shirt. Add that to my already fair complexion which, due to my low blood count had turned into a paler shade of gray, and add my skinhead to that – yeah, I could definitely understand mom's obsession with feeding me.

"I'll stop once you've gained another 20lbs honey, so you'll just have to grin and bear it," she clucked happily.

"Fine.. but if I get fat, it's your fault.." I whined teasingly. Dad chuckled. It was a family joke. Back when I was 12, the three of us went on a crazy obsession with fast food and coke – the drink, not the substance, and consequently Mom had gone to war with anything fast food. It was all due to Emmett and his stupid remark about how mom's Italian cooking was going to turn us all into fat, unattractive young boys with no chick magnet potential. Suffice to say, the three of us lost that battle in the end but not before we've had a fun month full of fast food and coke, courtesy of dad's ingenious plan of letting us have a taste of our own medicine, thinking we'd grow tired of it in a week. She went to war with dad for that too.

"I don't know where you boys get this silly ideas about Italian food making people fat, look at me.." she indicated proudly.

"Look at this.." dad pointed to the non-existent roll on his stomach. I cracked out laughing as mom rolled her brown eyes annoyingly.

Dad took the 101 route home via Edmonds – Port Angeles. The light banter continued between us during the ferry ride, and through Edmonds. Halfway to Port Angeles though, I got distracted by the view of the mountains and the coastline on either side of the highway. I had been on this route many times before and it surprised me that I never realized how beautiful the surrounding landscape was. The realization amazed and unnerved me all at the same time. I sank deeper into the leather seat and allowed my eyes to do the drinking.

"It's beautiful here," I said wistfully, to no one in particular. I felt more than see mom's hand squeezing my bony knee in silent response. I wondered if they were seeing things in a new light, the way I was now. It was as if the tinted glasses I'd been wearing all my life were finally removed and I was seeing life as it really was for the very first time. And everything, even the decay in the old rotting tree trunks we passed along the way, was beautiful. I felt a little nostalgic suddenly having missed seeing all this beauty all those years. Perhaps there was a blessing in my getting this illness. In a sick and twisted way, maybe I needed to learn a lesson in the art of appreciation. It must have been close to Port Angeles when I dozed off in the back seat. When I woke up from my nap, the merc was slowly driving up our driveway. I was home, finally.

"We're home sweetheart," mom nudged me as she alighted from the car. I grinned and stepped out with her. I'd been waiting for this for 8 long weeks. I shivered slightly against the cold breeze that was typical of Forks weather and mom made a move to slide her arm around my waist and press her small frame against my side as we walked towards the front door, dad walking slightly ahead of us, my bag in hand.

********

"You want to go and rest a bit son?" Dad asked me when we got inside. I probably could use a little rest, but I was tired of being in bed all the time. I had spent 2/3 of my time at the center in bed. I shook my head.

"I'll just chill with you and mom in the lounge if that's okay," I said instead. He grinned and threw an arm around my shoulder.

"Come, I'll play you a game," he suggested. He was talking of chess obviously. Only the greatest game ever played. I grinned eagerly. We ended up playing 3 sets. Dad was the undisputed chess master in the Cullen household, it was only fair – he taught us all how to play it. But his work took him away a lot. I wondered now if things were going to change with sick me hovering around.

Mom stopped us just in time for supper. She made a simple meal. While I had my appetite back, my stomach was still very queasy at times and there were a few things that I could eat without feeling the need to visit the porcelain god again. I guess everything just took time. I didn't want to think of how this re-assimilation would have to restart when I returned to chemo again in a month's time.

She pushed the salad to me again. I took it gratefully and dished a second helping. She looked at me pointedly. I took a bit more.

"Sausage?" she prompted. Dad carried on with his meal like we weren't even there. _ I wondered if she treated dad in the same motherly manner. Were all Italian women like this? Would Alice qualify as Italian? Why was I comparing Alice to mom?_

"I've had one," I said.

This little game at the dinner table, heck at meal times; between me and mom had become standard issue since I started eating again.

"Another one," she coaxed, batting her damn brown eyes.

I had to relent. She was mom and I loved her too much to offend her feelings, regardless of how annoying she could be. Especially after what I'd put her through.

"Ok..Ok..but last one!" I whined and forked the offending piece of sausage onto my plate. She did a little cheer of triumph. I rolled my eyes, even though a smile was tugging at my lips. I saw from the corner of my eyes, dad smirking._ You can't win against those eyes son._ He seemed to be saying.

After dinner, I went to get cleaned up.

The phone rang for me at 8. Mom picked it up. No guessing who it was. They fell into cheerful banter immediately. I didn't know if I should be happy or worried really that my mother and the girl I was potentially harboring special interests in got together like bread and butter, even if they'd never met. Alice told me smugly later during our conversation that it was the Italian gene in her. I pretty nearly choked, recalling what I had been thinking during dinnertime. Then I remembered she was a 100% American. She snorted back arrogantly and told me my mother would disagree. _Okay. I should be worried._

"Mom, give me the phone, you're using up my minutes!" I joked when their banter seemed to be continuing on. She clucked at me but handed the phone to me nevertheless; after saying a quick goodbye to her.

"Hey sunshine," I answered into the phone. That was pretty much her nickname now since our first conversation more than 6 weeks ago.

"Hey Jazzy," she responded. I felt renewed immediately. The tiredness that had been nagging at the edge of the precipice, seemed to have dissipated immediately.

"Updates?" I prompted. This had become our tagline, and cue for her to start nattering. She giggled excitedly. She was a bubbly little sprite, her optimism and energy was contagious. I could feel her energy feed into my system every time I heard her.

"So…I could be moving to New York still…they haven't made up their mind yet," I first heard this interesting development, i.e opportunity for 'us' about 4 weeks ago. I didn't say a word to her, but I perked up when I heard it. It was definitely an opportunity I could look forward to.

"She told me 3 months, but it seems like they're going back and forth about it..I mean I can understand their concerns, it's a big responsibility, look I don't need to head it, but if she just made me producer, I'd be happy..well, heading it would be like huge…" she nattered on. One thing I had been sure of right from the beginning, she loved her job.

"I suppose I must just impress Didz, like really really blow her socks off in this runway project I'm doing with her." She intoned. How could I forget, she only but talked about it every time she called. I didn't mind really, it showed me another facet of her – this woman was mad about fashion. Mad didn't quite capture it. She was obsessed about fashion, clothing and shopping. I suppose I should be concerned about liking someone who was into materialistic fancy, the outer skin if you will, but somehow I knew it wasn't about her covering up who she was. She knew who she was. It was just part of the wonderful insanity that she personified. **Crazy beautiful**. I loved it.

"So anyway Jazz, I connected with this awesome designer just the other day, James Lefevre – wow, his designs are out of this world… I should get some for you and your brothers," she gushed. I seriously hoped this James guy was gay because I didn't like the way she was gushing about it, or him.

"So..I take it he's uhm..gay then?" I hinted. She gasped at me, shocked.

_Gasped at me. What did that mean?!_

"That's soo..racist of you," she uttered lowly. _ What?!_

"Just because he's a designer..he's gay?? Come on Jasper, I didn't think you were that narrow minded.."

"What? No!" I exclaimed. _ When the hell did this turn on me?_

"He's hot and straight by the way," She rolled the sentence out purposefully. I tried to ignore it. _Futile! Futile_ - my brain seemed to be telling me as I felt a strange feeling bubbling from my chest.

A few seconds later though, she laughed out loud. She was teasing me. I fumed over the phone.

"Haha..if I weren't so in tune with you Jasper Cullen, I would have thought that you were jealous there for a second," she sing songed.

_Haha..I guess you aren't so in tune with me as you like to think, Alice Brandon.._

What?? The light in my head switched on suddenly.

Another revelation.

Oh fuck me.

I was never as glad as I was at this very moment, that she was halfway across the other side of the world, on the other side of the phone, instead of in front of me because I was sure as hell blushing very brightly from the new realization I had just made.

_Jasper Cullen was freaking jealous._

**********

A week had gone by. That was quick.

We were having a get together this weekend. Great! I hadn't seen my brothers in 2 weeks. I was kind of glad that they had some time off to do their own thing. Edward told me he dropped a subject or two so he could make time to be home more. I wasn't too happy about that and I was sure Bella wouldn't either. If I knew that girl, she was dying to settle with Edward. I could tell. She wasn't hard to dissect. But I knew she wanted Edward to finish his studies first. She thought getting his doctor coat was bigger than her? She was blind as a bat.

Emmett and Rosalie were another kind of freaky. There was a thing going on between me and her right at the beginning. I didn't know what exactly but there was connection there. It had bothered me at first, but we seemed to have managed to go beyond that. I was secretly relieved. She was beautiful, but totally not my style or taste.

Alice was more of my style and taste. She was sweet and airy, like sweet citrus and freesia combined, with a hint of vanilla and wooded moss. Perfectly intoxicating but not cloying that it left a heady distaste in your brain.

_When did I become a scent specialist?! God I was turning into a woman._

_Or worse… a romantic!_

Emmett and Rosalie. She seemed to be the one wearing the pants. One look from her and all of us were running for cover. Emmett didn't seem fazed by her queen bitch demeanor though. Like my brother's doofus front, I had reason to believe that that was her front as well. Beneath that cold exterior, she was as human and loving as Bella could get. Emmett needed a challenge, she provided that. Just as Bella was the ballast to Edward's ship, Rosalie was to Emmett's.

_No guessing who would be your ballast hey Jasper?_

I grinned at the thought. Yeah. I had a fairly good idea who it was.

**********

I scratched at the little bruise on my arm absentmindedly. Yep, bruises still marred my body from time to time. A little knock and there they were. Talk about fragile.

Went for my bloodwork today at Forks. Going home didn't grant me free pass from hospital duties. I still had to report in every other day to do bloodwork, so they could keep an eye of my progress. At least we didn't have to drive all the way to SCCA. I could do it at dad's workplace and they'd send the report over. But still, these things took time, and I just hated being in a hospital period. My stay was lengthened today because I had to top up on platelets; my count was pretty low – 10 000 as opposed to the normal 150 0000 – 400 000. Probably why the bruises were back in the first place.

If I thought my fitness would return quickly, I was wrong. But I was working on it. Before this, I used to run 3- 4 miles a day. When I first got home, taking the 10 – 15 steps up the stairs to my bedroom practically took my breath away. Week two, I didn't get as breathless as week one, so there was an improvement there. I doubted I would be running anytime soon though.

10 steps – 4 miles, what did it matter? Numbers were relative. Every little improvement was a little victory. Every little step counted. I just had to keep reminding myself that.

I told Alice of all the little victories I'd been keeping tabs of. If at first I was a little embarrassed of sharing them with her, it had become a regular update topic now. I liked that she was involved in my progress even though she was so far. When I told her how I wasn't feeling as breathless going up the stairs as I did in the first week, she told me to hang on the phone for a minute while she did a little jig on the dance floor. I laughed. I told her she could be the hula girl jigging her cute ass on my dashboard. Anyday. Her laughter ringed in my ear. I committed it to memory, as usual. Hit replay when I fell asleep at night.

************

I rang her briefly at 10 pm on Wednesday. I couldn't sleep. I knew the perfect remedy.

"Hey Sunshine," I whispered into the phone when she picked up.

"Hey Jazzy, you still up?" she inquired.

"Couldn't sleep," I murmured, her voice was already lulling me.

"Yet," she giggled.

"Am I disturbing?" I knew she was probably getting ready for work. She usually took at least 2 hours to get ready. I was getting used to her morning routine as she was to my medical ones.

"Ah no..I can talk.." she chimed as background noise disrupted a clear sound of her voice. She was riffling through her closet for clothes. I wondered how massive her closet must be for her to be riffling through it.

She entertained me for 15 minutes before I started yawning.

"There you go sweetie," she cooed. I smiled.

"Sweet dreams Jazz, I'll speak to you soon?" she whispered. I could have sworn I heard a smack – kissing lips noise.

"Thanks Alice..have a good day hey? Kick Gianna's ass for me," I teased. She laughed again before we hung up.

********

_Saturday_

The brothers Cullen came down for the weekend. Bella and Edward flew in on Thursday night, Emmett and Rosalie on Friday evening. It was nice having some noise in the house for a change. It was also Edward's 22nd the coming Thursday. Mom decided to have an early birthday celebration for my baby brother though seeing that I was to go back in the weekend of his birthday. I was actually only 6 months older than Edward. December baby. Pretty lucky I reckoned. I got to enter school much earlier than Edward even though his birthday was only around the corner. Bella was about a year older than he was. I remembered on his 21st, Emmett and I took him to his inaugural strip club night. He nearly flipped out thinking that Bella would have his balls for it. What he didn't know was that Bella had it all planned for him. She was his stripper for the night. Suffice to say, he was a very happy man afterward. I wondered idly what minx Bella had in store for him this year.

While the women of the house played tea party in the kitchen, us Cullen brothers had a bit of a brotherly bonding outside by the pool this balmy afternoon.

Emmett told us he finally met the Hales. Awesome family he had said. To him, everyone was always awesome so that didn't really tell us much. He chuckled quietly then and told us on the sly he thought Mrs Hale was a total MILF. _Bastard_. As if Rosalie wasn't enough already. I knew he was teasing though. He further told us that Dad Hale was in properties and investment banking, while Mrs Hale was a socialite and philanthropist. They came from old money, apparently.

"Sounds like the perfect parents in law Emmett," I chuckled to him. Emmett was 24. I knew mom would have wanted him to start thinking wedding bells soon. He looked crossed for a minute before breaking into a grin.

"Nah, I'm not ready for that yet dude..I've only known her for like 4 months," he muttered.

"4 months and already whipped, you look like a lost puppy without her." I quipped. He swatted my shoulder lightly.

We were surprised at Edward's silence throughout this. He was usually quick with the responses. He seemed to be lost in thought about something. I nudged at Emmett.

"Stop brooding Edward.." Emmett jibed and started poking at him. He looked startled for a moment. Damn, what was that look on his face? Whatever it was, it was enough to stop me and Emmett from jesting.

"Guys.. I need advice," he started.

"Shoot," Emmett prompted. I leaned in closer.

"I was thinking…" Edward's posture was relaxed, but contemplative. His feet were slightly opened and facing outwards, each elbow resting on a knee, arms extending straight out with his fingers clasped together at the end. His head was directly a few inches above said clasped hands, chin out, green eyes looking at us thoughtfully.

"You guys think I'm too young to ask Bella?" He shot out, his eyebrows knitting just a tad lightly.

It took Emmett and me a second to realize what the little bugger had been so seriously brooding about. I had about the biggest grin ever on my face and Emmett wasn't far off either.

"Whooo!" Emmett exclaimed. I backhanded my brother in the chest immediately. Bella was inside! I told him. He shushed down like a quiet boy.

"Let's lay out the facts first Edward… 1) you are young. You're 22. 2) You've been dating seriously for 2 years and then some now. 3) You are head over heels in love with Bella bear there even if she's the clumsiest person I've ever seen in my life, 4) I know for a fact the she's been waiting for you to pop the question for quite some time now. She loves you bro," I supplied.

"To sum it all up Edward..." Emmett quipped in, rolling his eyes at me for my lengthy answer.

"We think that's the best damn news we've heard this year!" he supplied smugly and grinned. The seriousness suffusing Edward's face earlier on was replaced by a radiance that could only be linked to love, and in his case, Bella love. He was grinning like a cat.

"Wow." Both Emmett and I were at a loss for words.

"I know.." he nodded his head as one nervous hand reached up to scratch his barely there fuzz of hair.

"Dude…you know you're about to sign your rights as a free man away right?" Emmett informed him, a little too seriously.

"I know…" he said again, as we all chuckled together.

"But she's so worth it.." he answered a moment later as Emmett thumped his one arm, laughing raucously. I pulled him in for a hug, congratulating him for manning up finally and thanking him for making my best friend the happiest woman ever.

_Who knew? Our baby brother beat us both to it!_

Edward went to speak to mom and dad after having talked to us. I believed mom took him to their room and gave him something pretty special to use for his big surprise to Bella. I could see mom had been crying when they came out.

**********

_Sunday_

He proposed yesterday evening.

What a romantic twat.

He took her out for a walk in the meadow not far from our property. Pretended to stumble to his knees, that was what I heard from our source, James Bond Emmett. How very Bella, wouldn't you say? She was all tears of happiness when they came back in time for dinner. After the congratulatory hugs from everyone else, she came to me and gave me the tightest hug ever, even daring to apologize for being in celebratory mood in spite of my situation. I thought it was it was the stupidest excuse ever.

"I think we all needed the breathing space Bells," I told her over her tears.

"It's the best news ever, I promise." Her face broke into the moon again.

"I suppose you're my best sister now hey?" I asked her amusedly after our celebratory dinner that mom had magically pulled out of thin air.

"Both," she had responded happily as we leaned in for another hug.

I called Alice this morning to tell her of the good news. She squealed. I had to pass the phone to Bella for a bit so they could jump in joy together.

When I got the phone back, she told me that she had appointed herself as Bella's personal planner.

"They haven't set a date yet squirt," I told her pointedly.

"It's okay, I'll make a plan when they set the date.. I'll work around it," she replied easily. Well, she was optimist Alice wasn't she? I told her she was digging her grave, not mine, and laughed.

…..

"When do you go in for the next round Jazz?" she asked me just before we ended the call for the day. She sounded a little worried somehow.

"Next weekend," I answered her.

"I wish you didn't have to go through chemo again," she murmured over the phone so softly, I had to actually strain my ear to hear her. She was concerned. I was touched.

"It's a good thing sunshine…I need it to make sure it's all gone," I told her softly. I was surprised that she sounded sad.

"Why are you sad Alice?" I asked, concernedly.

"It's just..I'm being silly," she sighed. We went silent for a short minute. I sat back and listened to her breathing as she mulled over her thoughts.

"You sound so different now Jazz, to when you were weeks ago. So much brighter now, lighter, happier somehow." She explained.

"I guess..I don't want you to have to go back to that dark space again, if you know what I mean?" she mumbled softly.

I was astounded. The wind stole my breath away.

I didn't expect her to understand that at all.

I never told her.

And yet she understood just how it was for me.

I burned for her. Right now, I was a melting candle and she was the fire on my candle.

Melting the last vestiges of my former self.

If I was given the chance to love this girl, this woman, I would make good use of it and treasure it and her forever.

She was an angel!

**_Dear God, I think I'm falling in love….._**

.....

.......

........

..........

I was falling in love with someone I had only met 3 times – 45 minutes give and take. I was falling for a woman who right now was sitting thousands of miles away in some foreign land, who I had only gotten to know more of recently over phone calls and text messages. I didn't even own a freaking picture of her.

How was this possible?????

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A/N: Ahh..this was a happy chapter to write..a real breather really. Do leave me your thoughts, and constructive criticism are always appreciated! Help me make this better


	19. Back in the Rabbit Hole round 1

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's

A/N: I heard that many patients keep a journal/personal record of their battle/musings. This is an excerpt of Jasper's I suppose. With Carlisle's POV inserted in between. My thanks to Yellow for your review ( I would send you a personal reply if I could), sleep sheep and Mrs Edward B Cullen . Reviews are love they say. Whoo.

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**Filler 5: Back in the Rabbit hole Round 1**

**JPOV - Jasper's journal**

_May 25_

First day of consolidation. I'm a bit nervous. Of the side effects. Dr R told me this was a higher dosage of the Ara C. 6 bags in total broken into three days. Started my first at 7 today, getting the next one at 7 pm today. Would I be knocked out again as I did in my last round? I freakin hope not. Something to look forward to though, Dr R said if all goes well, I can be home after the week of observation! Yes!

Being home has done me a lot of good. Alice was right. I feel so much lighter now than 8 weeks before. I just hope this week doesn't put me back to square one again. Don't know if I can handle my moods going see saw on me again.

_May 27_

It's my 4th bag. Still no nausea. Pretty fucking awesome. Whoo! Mom is looking positive that I'm still standing. This is good. Maybe I get to go home in another week and a half!

Alice called to say Hi and see how I'm doing. She seemed stressed. I asked her what was wrong, she told me it was work related. I wondered if it was Gianna. She told me I needn't worry and should concentrate getting better. True to her character, she perked up in the next second. I don't know how she does it. It's like her emotions are compartmentalized so clearly and she needed only to flit in and out of the boxes in her heart to feel one emotion and the next. Sometimes I wish I was like that. This room is getting to me already. I feel trapped again.

**Think Alice. Think home. **

_May 29_

Last two bags.

I am starting to feel sick. So much for the smooth ride.

FUCK!!!!!

Did I mention I fucking hate this??

*******

**Carlisle POV**

Jasper went back in on the Sunday, and started his chemo the next. He was in high spirit, and for that we were very grateful. I had been worried about him coming back in. The one month grace we'd all been given, he especially, had done wonders for his spirit. Having seen him fall apart the last time, I never wanted to see that again. It broke me.

I thought that Alice girl he'd been talking to over the phone was good for him. I didn't know how she did, apparently they had only met a few times back in New York. Hell. I couldn't care less how they met, if she was able to help him check his dark moods, I was happy. She seemed like a wonderful girl. If Esme liked her, who was I to judge better? I hope her calling in would keep his spirit up for the next 2 weeks. Him keeping up his good spirits lend as much to his ability to keep the illnesses at bay as his immune system. Esme and I kept telling him that. I just hoped he took notes.

I noticed his mood starting to run down towards the end of the week. The gleam in his eyes that had been apparent for all of 1 month was disappearing again. Esme told me he told he was feeling claustrophobic. Damn these four walls.

To say that I was dismayed to come to his room on Friday evening and see him puking his guts out again was belittling it. I was hoping so much to see him get through this week in flying colors. If only for his sake. Esme told me even Alice's calls didn't seem to cheer him up.

"Jasper, it's going to get better, "I tried telling him. He didn't answer me, only moaned into the pillow. I knew between the fever and the nausea, he would have much preferred getting the fever. Esme and I didn't. Fever was bad news for everyone, him included. Nausea, maybe only for him. I'd take that any day, even if it was hurting him temporarily.

_****** _

**JPOV**

_June 5th_

Had my biopsy result again. Always a tense time for me. I would never get used to this, I reckoned. But all was good. Dr R was very happy with my result and if my counts continued to go up and stabilized, he'll allow me to leave this place in a couple of days. I just had to be very careful about keeping myself protected, he said. Not a damn problem. I could be Mr OCD Sanitize if he wanted me to.

**JPOV**

_June 9__th_

Going home! Next round only 3 weeks. My jaws are hurting from all this smiling....

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A/N: So ..this is totally short, but I needed to fast forward the timeline a bit and didn't want to just jump into the next month or so without filling up the space in between..


	20. The Curious Case of Benjamin Hale:part1

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's, though perhaps I can probably claim Benjamin Hale as mine...(I can try...)

A/N: Yeah..soo I had a blast of inspiration and eager beaver couldn't wait another day. 'bite me jasper cullen', hope this is scandal enough..:-)). Thanks my loyal reviewers, these goes to you all.

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**Chapter 15: The curious case of Benjamin Hale**

_**Rosalie POV **_

Emmett and I flew back to Forks again on the weekend after Jasper returned home from his latest round of chemo. Poor kid. I could imagine it mustn't have been nice to return to the place again after having been home for a month. I knew I would go a little mad if I was cooped up in a place reeking of medicine and deat… uhh sickness for 8 weeks. I was right in my assumption. Emmett told me his dad had requested them to fly up to rally his spirit a bit after the two week stay in the center. I didn't mind, I kind of like spending time with the Cullens.

The confusion with Jasper – I decided to put that behind me. Some things were better left undiscovered. I was a curious person, but I wasn't stupid. Emmett was important to me and I wasn't going to let a 'strange buzz' destroy that. Okay, I lied. Bella was partly responsible for the quick burial of my mystery connection with Jasper. The second time I met them, that was when Jasper managed to land himself in ICU this time and freaked everyone out; she had pulled me aside and confronted me about the 'thing' she saw going on between me and Jasper. I was shocked when she mentioned it. Our performance must have been pretty obvious then. Of course I tried to weasel my way out of it. Who knew Bella had claws? She hid them pretty well behind that clumsy, fragile demeanor of hers. If it weren't for Edward coming in between us, perhaps we would have been trading talons and scratch marks for sure.

"If you hurt him.." I still remembered the glare of death she gave me. It matched the threat in her voice.

Why would I hurt Jasper? I was incensed. _Well, okay, maybe my head thought otherwise too but who ever listened to the wisdom of inner chatter anyway? I sure as hell didn't._

I had nothing against him. If anything, I had a natural predilection for him. And Rosalie Hale didn't care for any Tom, Dick and Harry easily.

"Bella, don't worry, I'm not touching your best friend...He is Emmett's brother and I love Emmett. " I told her in the kindest, calmest voice I could muster. Truth was, I'd have gotten worried if she didn't take the bait. Or if Edward didn't. From the way he was looking at me, he probably saw what happened the last time too. God must have heard me, because they let it go. She even apologized for going after my neck. I told her I'd do the same if Jasper was my best friend. We may have found a common ground after that because the issue was forgotten immediately. We hugged and made up. At least that's what I thought her hug offering meant. Whatever. Bella and I would be family one day, we needed to learn to like each other. She knew that as much as I did.

I honestly did like Jasper. I think he ...he reminded me of the missing puzzle that was in my life.

My brother.

What I never told Emmett was that I had a brother. Or used to.

I was told that he died when he was a toddler.

It never occurred to me to speak about him because honestly I had no memory of him at all. I couldn't remember his face, not the times I had spent with him, there wasn't even a picture of him in our family album.

It was like he never existed.

Honestly, I wasn't hiding it, it was just because he..simply didn't exist anymore.

The funny thing was I barely had any memory of my childhood younger than 8. I wasn't sure if it was because I had a bad one and I was only saying this because I read somewhere that young children sometimes forget bad memories – almost like a self preservation mechanism built into the child's psyche. Or, if it was perhaps due to the fact that I had an accident when I was 8 and nearly died.

I only knew I had a brother when one of my older cousins slipped up and told me about him. I must have been 9 or 10 then. We were at our grandma's home. I ran to dad and asked him who he was. I didn't know what exactly it was, but his face changed for a second. He sat me down and told me that he had passed on. An illness. He told me never to mention it to mom. I didn't think I would. But then I saw grandma reprimand my cousin severely. She was a dowager, Grandma Hale. Not one to mess with. That really scared me. It was enough to make me push the thought of my brother as far away as I could.

Dad came from old money with roots in Philadelphia. And as with all old families, set family traditions were pretty much part and parcel of the social status our name enjoyed. When I was born, Grandma Hale commissioned a special christening brooch for me. It was a dragonfly, made out of platinum and encrusted with my birthstone: garnet. The Hale family crest was engraved on the underbelly of the winged insect. We were to pass this on to our first born later on or carried it to our grave. I didn't have many cousins. To my knowledge there were only 6 of these dragonflies made.

I looked down at the familiar dragonfly shaped brooch; its splayed out wings encrusted with tiny topaz stones, sitting idly on my palm now.

_Why..why did Emmett have this in his childhood stash?? _

_How..how did he get this?_

I turned the brooch over and just as I expected, I saw the tiny crest pricked on the dragonfly's belly. I couldn't see the crest properly, small as it was, but I was sure if I looked at it under a magnifying glass, I'd recognized the crest as clear as day. My mind was suddenly running into five directions at once.

_Okay..okay..calm down. No need to get overly excited now._

Excited was not the word to describe my feelings now. Frantic, near hysterical was closer!

I gripped the dragonfly tightly in my palm and went off to find Emmett. Right now, he had some explaining to do.

He was outside in the garden with his brothers, and they were playing a game of chess. A still pale looking Jasper playing against him, with Edward watching and playing with Bella's hair at the same time.

"Emmett, can I talk to you for a minute?" I called out as I neared them. My heart was beating so wildly in my heart, I was sure they would hear it if I got too close.

"Gimme a second babe..I'm..aahh check!" he screamed and moved his king down on the board. I tapped my foot impatiently on the tiled patio floor. I saw Edward tap a finger on Emmet's forearm as he glanced at me disinterestedly. Emmett's face snapped to him then to me almost instantly. I gave him a pointed look.

"Take over Edward…" he said smoothly and let himself up and bounced towards me. The usual cheer on his face creased into trepidation as he closed on me. I turned round and walked inside just as he was about to peck me on the lips.

"Aww…what did I do.." he whined at my retreating back. I ignored him, my mind too flustered to be considering his fake hurt feeling right now. When we were at a considerable distance from them, I turned round and flashed the brooch to him.

"Where did you get this?" I asked, holding the brooch at him. He looked down and looked at what I was holding for a second before familiarity dawned on him.

"I won it." He said grinning foolishly. I huffed an exasperated sigh. Times like this I wished Emmett could be a little more mature and answer me seriously.

"Right. Who did you win it from, where did you get this?" I threw the lot of questions to him at one go, my eyes narrowing impatiently.

"Babe, what's with the twenty questions and the attitude?" he retorted, narrowing his own eyes at me. I felt my claws flex dangerously then, and my fingers curled into fists instinctively.

"Emmett!" I hissed angrily just then but sighed back. Getting angry at him was not going to get me answers. Already I could feel his defenses going up. I reached out to hold him on his elbow. A submissive stance. He wanted to know that he was the alpha here, I could give him that.

"I'm sorry.. please, I need to know.." I said, a little pleadingly, looking up at him. His shoulders were still rigid as he gave me a cursory look. A second later though, his shoulders relaxed again.

"It was Jasper's.. he's had it forever I think," he answered. Almost immediately, I felt as though a wrecking ball had hit me square in the chest, knocking the breath out me and I staggered backwards in response. I saw vaguely Emmett jumping quickly to hold me steady.

"Baby? Rosie?" he looked at me worriedly as I steadied myself again.

_It couldn't be. Could it? _

I could see Jasper from where we were standing inside. His hair was still absent, but I could suddenly see the similarity in his jawline, his nose, the blue in his eyes. Why hadn't I seen all these before? I felt weak again. Flashback from the day we first met reeled in my mind. The sense of familiarity that was instant, the electric spark that I couldn't explain, our immediate bonding.

_My matching his bone marrow._

"Oh Jesus..." I whimpered as my knees buckled. The room swam in front my eyes.

"Rosie!" Emmett screamed even as I felt his arm grip my falling body. I was lost in my trance, I hazily heard Emmett frantically trying to call me back, trying to get a response from me. I heard the shuffling of feet approaching us, telling me Emmet's yell must have told them something was wrong. A blur of faces whizzed past my unfocused eyes before I caught the familiar blue eyes again. _Mine._

"Benji?" I called out to him weakly, tears threatening to spill over my own blues. I pulled away from Emmett instantly and almost latched on to him crouching not two steps away from where I was on my knees. My fingers grappled on to his collars, even as his hands came to rest on mine. I looked up into confused eyes.

"Benjamin.." I whimpered again. Memories long forgotten, stowed away deep in the recesses of my mind came back in quick glaring flashes into the forefront of my memory. I remembered those eyes now. How did I forget them? _Benji?_

"Rosie! Rosie.. Oh god I don't know what's wrong with her.."

I vaguely heard Emmett trying to make sense of my situation. There was worry in his voice. Of course he was worried. I caught Edward trying to peer into my eyes, I slapped his offending hand away and glared at him. He looked apologetic. I felt my claws retract again.

"Rosalie ..are you lucid??" he asked me calmly, although his face betrayed him. Belatedly I realized I must have looked like a crazed woman in front of them now, muttering names they didn't even recognize. Of course he wouldn't recognize that name, he was too young. He only knew the name they gave him. Jasper. I realized that I needed to compose myself. I had to if I wanted to explain this. I looked at Edward and nodded a few times to tell them I was lucid. Bella got up when Emmett asked for a glass of water for me. My hands were still clinging tightly at Jasper's collars. Funnily enough, he did not try to dislodge me.

"Rosalie….are you okay?" Jasper was asking me softly now, inquiring. His hand reached up to touch the side of my face. I leaned into his touch. The tears bidding for release finally getting what they asked for. He looked even more concerned when I started crying. My hand pulled his hand away from my face and he made to pull it away but I held to it.

_My brother. My long lost brother._

" I..I'm okay," I sniffed, stammering my answer out.

_How do I tell him? How do I tell them???_

"Rosie, here have some water," Bella said softly and handed the glass of water to me. I took it gratefully and took a long sip, calming down marginally almost immediately. They, were still surrounding me on the floor, watching me, waiting for me to explain myself. My brother, sitting merely inches away from me now. The one I had lost.

The truth.

I decided to just go for the truth. We had lost over 20 years. There was no need to prolong it anymore.

"Is..is this yours?" I asked as I held out the brooch to him. He took it and looked at it for a brief second. I saw recognition appearing on his face. A tiny smile tugged at his lips. A memory of what it was. He looked up at Emmett briefly then back at me.

"I thought I lost it… Yes… it..it belonged to my mother, I was told…it was my only possession, after ..after they died in the crash..It was pinned to my blanket." He supplied, recalling the planted memories from his mind.

I thought I was going to cry again. _His mother?!!_

"Are you sure?" I asked, a little curtly. I needed him to be sure. I wanted to be sure. He looked offended suddenly.

"Yes. I'm sure. I would know and recognize the only thing left of my family," he supplied curtly.

I took it from his hand and held it to his face again. I saw a flash of irritation on Bella's face. Flashback of our not so pleasant confrontation back at the center danced in my head for a few seconds again. I chose to ignore her look for the moment. Everything would come to light now. Everything would make sense in a second.

I took a deep, deep breath. _ Time to drop the bomb._

"This..this is a family heirloom. I have one exactly like this..just different stones." I supplied shakily. His perplexed eyes widened discernibly. I was sure everyone else's mirrored his very reactions. I kept my eyes trained on his blue eyes.

"Grandma Hale had mine commissioned when I was born, as were with the other 5 that I know of… you… you can't buy this anywhere.. there's ..there's a Hale emblem engraved on the underbelly of the dragon fly." I added as I turned it around.

"Look..you can see it better with a magnifying glass..but you can see it..look!" I pushed it to his line of sight. Forced him to see it.

Jasper looked back at me, confusion, disbelief, shock - written all over this face. My heart was hammering loudly in my ears by now as I waited for his next reaction.

I didn't know what exactly happened but something must have registered in his mind, something clicked somehow and it probably scared him because he scrambled backwards a few steps immediately from me, his palms flying to the side of his head as if his head was falling apart from the news I had just dropped on him.

"Jasper.." I cried, crawling towards him. He scooted backwards more, like I was contagious or something. I stopped.

"You're..you're not making sense…this doesn't make any sense!" he muttered even as Bella scooted beside him and supported him from behind, muttering words to his ear too soft for me to make out. I tried to approach him again.

"Rosalie! Stop this, **right now**."

Emmett. He sounded angry. The threat in his voice was barely veiled. I felt him come up behind me and he tried to pull me back. My head snapped back to him instantly, my teeth bared at him. _ Don't!_ He balked in response.

The floodgates opened. I couldn't have stopped it even if I tried.

"He's my fucking brother you asshole!!!" I yelled and cried at the same time. My body crumpled back down and I hunched over the cold hard floor, my fingers frantically grabbing onto the ground shakily as I sobbed and gasped; my emotions finally spiraling out of control.

"It was my fault! My fault.."

I was 4. It was summer or maybe it was just a sunny day outside, I couldn't be sure. We were out in the playground, in a park somewhere. He was with me in the sandbox, we were playing. I was busy playing with him. He was laughing. I didn't see her come. Mom was just a few yards away, talking to other mothers. There were many of us. This was a safe place. I didn't know why she chose us. She spoke to me, handed me a sweet. I got distracted. One second he was there beside me, the next he was gone. I remember mom freaking out in front of me moments later. Asking me if I had seen anyone. Anyone! I didn't know where she went. I was too busy eating my sweet.

"Benjamin." I whimpered through clenched sobs.

"My brother's name was Benjamin."

The brooch. When I saw the brooch, it was as if my brain had finally found the lost key to the lock that held my earlier childhood memories that got lost when I had had my accident. Memories of my lonely and sad years, memory of the day that it happened, memories of me and my brother before he was taken from me, from us.

"She took him away." I spoke, the pain associated with the memory taking over the sadness that had engulfed me a moment ago. I thought of the woman who deceived me with the sweet.

"The one you called mother, she stole you from our mom!" I hissed at him accusingly. I hadn't meant to. He wasn't his fault. It was hers. She nearly destroyed my life.

"I might as well have been dead…when..when she took you away, mom..died on me. And then..dad too.." I sobbed.

It was true. My mother became a shell of who she was after he was taken. And dad, dad was just lost because she was. They forgot 4 years old me in the process.

It was the loneliest, darkest 4 years of my life. I remembered the agony of abandonment that little girl felt day in and day out as if it was only yesterday. I cried for her now as I remembered how it was back then many years ago.

It took an accident - me falling down the stairs of our magnificent but empty home back in Philadelphia, cracking my head on the marbled floors, bleeding alone to my death only to be found by my own mother, for them to return to me. That was probably how I lost my memory. And the memory of my brother. When I returned from hospital, we moved to Texas. We hadn't returned to our old house in Philadelphia since.

Everyone around me; Emmett, Edward, Bella, Jasper sat frozen as I recalled the memories back to the fore and told them every bit of information I knew and remembered. Perhaps I had taken the wrong approach, maybe I should've have spoken to Emmett on the side first, maybe I should've dug up more proof before I threw this lot of information to his face now, but the moment Emmett confirmed that the brooch was Jasper's, everything just came flooding in and I couldn't hold it back even if I wanted to.

"Rosie..what if..what if Jasper's mom found that somewhere..it could be a possibility.." Emmett spoke. The anger in his voice had died now. I saw Jasper's eyes flashed dangerously at him. He was insinuating that it was stolen or something? I sighed inwardly. It was possible. And yet, my gut instinct was stronger.

"My bone marrow matches yours Jasper." I said plainly. I was tired suddenly. I wanted him to see reason, now.

"You still think it was luck?" I threw him a question, looking at him incredulously. He stared at me but did not answer.

I went for the kill.

"I know you felt it too." I looked at him pointedly. Bleak eyes looked back at me. He looked like a deer caught in the headlights of incoming traffic.

"The day we met, when I strolled into your room, there was something there..you felt it," I uttered lowly.

"Did you feel the spark too Jasper? When we touched, when I kissed you? Did the buzz around you stayed for hours even after I've left??" my voice was a cold sneer now. I was pushing his buttons and didn't even realize it.

"You couldn't deny it even if you wanted to …your reaction was exactly mine!" I lashed out. My anger at his lack of response was getting ahead of me.

"Well, did you?" I yelled shrilly, feeling the claws on my fingers flex again. If Emmett tried to jump on me again, he would have it. I was going to claw someone soon.

He looked at me bewildered then. Emotions I couldn't decipher were swimming wildly in his eyes now. He made a move to stand and nearly faltered. He looked so fragile suddenly.

"I'm.. sorry… I… I. ca…" He stumbled on his words.

_Oh shit._

We screamed even as he collapsed to the floor in front of us.

"Jasper!!!"

* * *

A/N:Yup..a cliffie! dun dun dun....who thinks Rosie is a bitch??? or not bitchy enough yet...


	21. The Curious Case of Benjamin Hale:part2

Disclaimer: Only Benjamin Hale is mine. heehee..SM own the rest of them

A/N: So glad everyone enjoyed the last chapter. Here is part deux, how do they handle the repercussion of Rosalie's bomb?

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**Chapter 16 : The Curious Case of Benjamin Hale : Part Deux**

" Jasper!!!"

……

…….

_**Emmett POV**_

I had never been angrier with Rosalie as I was now. I glared down at her menacingly outside Jasper's room, having just deposited my unconscious brother on his bed to let Edward check him out.

"Rosalie** fucking **Hale, don't you dare say a word right now," I hissed at her. I'd hardly ever used the f word to her in an angry tone but I was livid right now.

"Emmett..I'm.." she stammered.

"Quit it! I don't give a shit what you want to say now, or if your story makes sense, if Jasper is indeed your brother or not. You're an adult! Fuck you're a level headed intelligent woman! I expected better of you than to just throw all of that in his face like this, OR have you forgotten the one big fact that he's sick?!!" I snarled furiously, not caring that I was yelling at her face.

There were many things of Rosalie's I could tolerate, but this wasn't one them. And when it came to Jasper's well being these days, I would not tolerate any shit from anyone, my babe included.

She balked positively and her face crumpled into tears.

"You better pray he's alright…or I don't… I don't know what I'll do with you…" I hissed angrily as I started pacing the small space in front of Jasper's room, frantically waiting for Edward to come out with news. I saw Bella pull her away from where she was standing just then, and I was silently grateful to her for doing that. I was not in a good space right now, and as much as I was angry at Rosalie, I didn't want to unleash my fury at her anymore than necessary.

It seemed ages then, even though it was only probably 10 minutes before Edward came out of Jasper's room, looking very relieved. I relaxed instantly.

"How is he?"

"I think he was just overwhelmed with everything. He seemed fine. He's sporting a bruise on his head and shoulder though, from the fall. Dad will want to know why that is.." he intoned.

"Shit…," I muttered thinking of the explaining we'd have to give to dad when he came back with mom later. Leave their sick son with us for a day and he's all bruised up. _Way to go Emmett._

That could wait though, for now, I wanted to see for myself that Jasper was indeed alright. He would probably hate me for thinking him fragile, but ever since he got ill, I couldn't but think so and it made me a little protective of him these days. If he hated it, he'd have to live with it. I was his big brother after all. I looked at Edward and he cocked his head towards the door in response. With a nod, I slid past him into Jasper's room. He followed me.

_Shit Rosie. Did he really need more shit thrown at him now?_ _He was just getting over this one,_ I thought jadedly. I saw him stir and I made a move to touch his shoulder briefly.

"Hey bro… how you feeling?" I asked softly. He blinked his eyes rapidly before groaning and touching the smarting bruise on the side of his forehead.

"What .." he groaned as he tried to rise. Edward was quickly by his side, holding his shoulder back down.

"You should probably take it easy for a bit you hit your head quite hard there.." Edward indicated. He shook his head and pushed Edward's hand away lightly before pulling himself up to sit against the headboard.

" Where's Rosie.." he murmured.

" She's downstairs..calming down.." I supplied hastily. He looked at me, again I saw the same look of confusion and bewilderment on his eyes.

"I should probably talk to her.." he spoke, but I could tell he was at a loss of what to say.

"Jas, you don't have to say anything right now.. we've got all the time to discuss this later, Rosie's not going anywhere," I responded to him. He nodded and went silent. I wondered if we should leave him to rest. Dad and Dr R told us way back in the beginning that the patient's emotional and psychological health contributed just as much to the body's immunity response as the physical aspect did. It was dad's quiet way of requesting Edward and I to help Jasper deal with his dark moods, of which he had a morbid fondness of sometimes. He was probably in shock still. I worried now what it was going to do to his already taxed immune system. I growled mentally. Rosie really shouldn't have done this.

_He didn't need this extra shit._

"What do you guys think?" he asked suddenly, looking at either of us. There was no accusation in his eyes, he was simply curious to know what we were thinking. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he was more resilient than I thought.

I scratched my short fuzzed head roughly.

"I don't know…. I still say maybe your mother got that brooch somewhere…hey, I'm not insinuating that your mother stole it, but let's say for argument sake that a lady did abduct her brother but she would have wanted to remove evidence right? The brooch could have been sold.. and your mother could have bought it, " I suggested. _It made sense right?_

"She was spot on about the bone marrow match," Jasper muttered.

"There've been numerous cases of non sibling donors," I interjected.

"But it does sort of explain why the two of you were so…for lack of a better word.. freaking intimate one day after you've met," Edward supplied now. At the word intimate, my eyes flashed red. _ What the fuck was going on that I wasn't aware of?_

"What are you guys talking about? What the fuck?!" I almost yelled. Jasper and Edward chuckling did not allay my worry.

"Emm..relax, not that kind of intimate bro.." Edward pacified. He looked at Jasper, silently asking him to explain the matter that I had obviously been ignorant of for the last 2 months. _ Fuck!_

"Didn't you notice anything between us when we first met? Wasn't it obvious? " Jasper threw his questions at me. I nodded. But I also told them, I didn't see anything out of the ordinary out of it.

"Besides, you have that thing with people..charisma. I thought you were just weaving your magic dude.." I said plainly. Edward guffawed and Jasper rolled his eyes.

"Geez Emm, way to hurt your brother's feeling.. you make it sound like I intentionally play on other people's feeling.." Jasper started. I raised my hands in apology immediately.

"You know I don't mean it that way Jas.." I offered in supplication. He grinned, telling me he was only teasing. He became silent yet again.

"She was right." He spoke now, eyes unfocussed, staring into space. Edward and I looked at him confusedly. What was he talking about now?

"The spark, or electric..whatever it was - when we met..I felt it when she touched my finger, and when she kissed my cheek.." He looked at us half amused. My eyes widened in shock. I didn't think those things actually happened in reality. I thought Rosie was just talking nonsense. Edward raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not kidding you guys.. it was…weird. Kinda messed with my head for a bit." He intoned.

"Why didn't you tell us then?" I asked, astonished. Edward looked at me as if I had sprouted a second head.

"How?? How'd you think you would have reacted man? I kinda valued my life…" he replied, chuckling a little. It dawned on me belatedly how ridiculous my question was. I would have probably killed Jasper if he had told me that there was "spark" going on between him and my babe.

"So what did you do? Weren't you worried at least?" Edward asked now.

"Well, considering I had bigger things to worry about… it wasn't that hard," He responded lightly, but his face darkened then, as if a bad memory had touched his mind. _Right, how could we have forgotten, he had just started his chemo when I introduced Rosie to them._ I reached out to touch his shoulder and call him back to the present. He shrugged back and the darkness veiling his eyes disappeared.

"Well, I'm glad you didn't try anything dude," I supplied half seriously. I didn't want to think what I'd do to Jasper if he did go after my girl, even if it was only to test a theory. They obviously found it funny.

"I'm glad Rosalie didn't try anything either," Jasper chuckled out as an afterthought. If I thought my eyes couldn't get any bigger and rounder, they did. I nearly choked. Edward coughed guiltily at the mention of that, as if he knew something else we didn't.

"Spill it Edward…" I hissed.

He chuckled. I narrowed my eyes.

"Bella… Bella had a …semi confrontation with Rosalie one day, and warned her not to fuck with you or face her wrath." he muttered trying to stifle a laugh. _Bella and Rosalie_?! _Cat fight?_

"Bella Bear versus Dragon Rosalie.." Jasper intoned in a deep bass voice, mimicking one of those horrible WWE commentators we'd seen a couple of time on TV ads in Jasper's room.

_Now that would have been a good fight._

We looked at each other for a moment and cracked up laughing again.

……

"You look tired.. you wanna rest for a bit?" I suggested after our laughs had died down.

"Yeah, maybe that's not a bad idea.." he responded tiredly.

I should be glad, but instead I felt distressed by his answer. It was so unlike him to acquiesce so easily. It only made me more acutely aware of his current state of health. I hated being reminded of the fact that he was still very much battling this.

"Wake me up when mom and dad arrive?" he requested. We nodded and left him to rest.

_Time to deal with Dragon Rosalie._

_*************** _

**Edward POV**

We left Jasper to rest and headed downstairs to the lounge where Bella and Rosalie were waiting rather anxiously for our update. Bella was practically fidgeting on the couch and it took all her effort not to launch at me when we started down the stairs.

"How is he?" she asked, worry lining her beautiful face between her eyebrows.

"He's alright, just a little bruised up from the fall." I answered her lightly. She relaxed perceptibly. She linked her fingers with mine and we returned to the couch where Rosalie still sat, quiet as a mouse now. It was so out of character, I had to smirk at Bella. She chided me silently with a flash of glare. Emmett pulled the ottoman to sit in front of her.

"Rosalie," he started. I wondered briefly if we should rather leave them, but a quick glance from Emmett told me he wanted us to stay.

_This, this was pretty monumental. Putting Rosalie in her place. _

In the last two months of seeing them together, it was always Rosalie who seemed to be wearing the pants in their relationship. And he was like the little puppy happy to tag along behind lady dowager there. We didn't mind, we knew Emmett was strong and solid enough to hold his own. But today Emmett was showing her that he did indeed wear the pants in the relationship, if he wanted to.

"Rosie.." he started again, and placed a finger under her strong chin, lifting her face to look at him. _ Jasper's chin. They had similar jawlines. I hadn't notice that before._

She didn't speak. But her teary eyes reflected the emotions swirling inside her now. One stood out starkly. She was sorry. I felt a little bad for feeling angry with her earlier on. She was just affected as Jasper was in this.

" I'm..sorr," she had started talking but stopped the moment he put a finger up.

"Disappointed doesn't quite express how I feel about your actions this afternoon," he told her darkly. She cowered at his tone.

"What the hell were you thinking Rosie, going at him like that? You would think he was the enemy." He blurted stiffly.

"Reasonable me would say you were probably shocked by this yourself, but still… it doesn't excuse your behavior...especially, **especially** seeing that you're fully aware of his condition. Jesus Rosie.. I nearly had a heart attack there when he dropped like that…"

"I'm sorry.." she blurted again.

"You should be.."

"He's barely handling this shit as it is, and you throwing this at him now ....did you really think he would react positively to this? to your attack? I freaking thought he had a.." I could almost read the word relapse forming in his mouth, but then he held his tongue.

I knew Emmett felt let down by her, it showed clearly on his face. And she, she looked just about ready to bawl again at the look he was giving her.

"I don't give a shit what he may be to you, but that's my sick brother there you just hurt Rosalie," as he said it, his voice increased in decibels markedly.

" …arrgh fuck!"

Emmett was not good at handling emotion. He usually got physical before he would even cry. But right now, he was right about to lose it in front of us. I saw him shut his eyes tightly then, and he seemed to be struggling with his inner self for a bit. When he opened them again, I swear I saw them glisten with unshed tears.

"I just want Jasper to get better..."

".. if it means keeping unnecessary shit away him for a while, so be it. I'm willing to do anything if it means it's going to help him get better.."

"Can you understand why I'm so angry with you now?" his voice had softened to barely a whisper, yet I heard the crack in it.

" I'm sorry.." he uttered to her again.

I had to swallow the lump in my throat. Hearing Emmett get emotional like this was not something I was used to.

"I'm sorry..I'm sorry…" she made to speak then, even though she was mostly sobbing the words out.

"I didn't mean to hurt him, I really didn't….I have no excuse, I know...it's just that.. when I saw the brooch…when you told me who it belonged to – everything, everything just flooded back into me…"

" I..'m sorry…I just want.., I wanted Benji back.."

"If I hadn't ..if I hadn't been distracted.." she couldn't continue. Her face had crumpled again and Emmett had pulled her into his chest then.

If it weren't so horribly real and so horribly wrong, I would have laughed at the sheer absurdity of the plot of this soapie drama my brother was apparently starring in.

One thing for sure, we had some explaining to do when mom and dad came back.

Dinnertime would be interesting no doubt.

***************

**JPOV**

Rosalie came to apologize this evening.

Truth was I wasn't really mad at her. I didn't need this extra complication right now but I couldn't be mad at her. I didn't think she was expecting this either.

I honestly couldn't tell anyone what to make of this. Confused? Yes. Lost? Maybe. She had pushed this thing on me, and forced opened Pandora's box, and now there were a thousand questions yearning to be answered. The only problem was, I didn't have the emotional capacity to handle anything else right now. Things may have gotten better since I got home, but some days, I still struggled to stay afloat. My dreams were still dark. They were still haunting my every step.

"I'm sorry Jasper," she beseeched me. She looked so repentant, I felt sorry for her. I had seen mom pull her into the kitchen after dinner. I knew she must have received a tongue lashing from her.

"Apology accepted.. " I said jokingly. She came to sit by me. Immediately I felt that same feeling she spoke of when we first met. Familiarity. It was as if our souls were greeting each other.

"I was so mean to you.. and I hurt you..God..I don't know what I was thinking," she blubbered. I pulled her into a hug immediately.

"Hey listen.. I know you didn't mean it.. you were just as shocked as I was. I'm sorry I scared you and everyone else.. in normal circumstances, I don't think I would have pulled a feat like this...I probably just need a blood top up, that's all," I joked. She laughed a little.

" Jas..about what I said.."

I didn't know what she was going to say next, but I knew I couldn't give her what she probably wanted. So I stopped her.

" Rose..I'm not saying No.. but I can't promise you anything right now.. already there's a thousand questions forming in my head and I can tell you they probably won't make me feel good. I'm not ready to deal with the repercussions of this yet.. I'm barely handling dealing with this illness as it is," I told her honestly.

She shook her head. Her blues looked into mine. Tenderly.

"No.. No… No.. No.. You don't have to think about anything or do anything about this... I'm really sorry for unloading this on you so prematurely. When you're ready, when you're better, however long it takes.. I'm gonna be here, and then we can..try.. and do this together alright?" she murmured softly. I smiled.

"Okay…I can do that," I said agreeably. She smiled back at me and threw her arms around me for a hug.

"Thank you," I heard her whisper.

"Can I say something and you won't take it wrongly?" she asked pulling away from me after a while. I nodded.

"I've missed you." She whimpered.

I pulled her into another tight hug then. For a brief second, I let her take us back into her memory. We were back in the sandbox. There was no Jasper, no Rosalie. We were just brother and sister again.

* * *

A/N: So how was that? A little anti - climatic? reviews are love!


	22. Promise Me

Disclaimer: SM owns all characters.

A/N: In the last chapter, Jasper tells Rosalie he still struggles some days to stay afloat. This is a tiny exploration of that. The first part of this filler chapter is totally the result of **Bite Me Jasper Cullen's **own dark musing, so credit goes to her. Inputs are seeds for inspired writing..:)) So I always appreciate ideas!

Warning: Tissue alert.

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**Filler 6 : Promise Me**

Bella looked ethereal.

Just like the angel that I saw her to be all those years ago. Edward must be beaming with pride and love right now. He was the luckiest man around today. I looked at everyone. Happiness. Pure unadulterated happiness. I knew how that felt. I was feeling it too. _No._ I was basking in the same joy as everyone else.

Today I was the best man. _For the bride. _I chuckled silently.

I had barked out laughing at Bella when she first asked me to be her best man. What about Rosalie? I had asked her. Wouldn't she be offended? I wouldn't want to offend my sister. I told her. She glared at me.

"Would you turn down a bride's wish?" she asked.

"Yes, if it was unreasonable," I said smugly. Hey, she knew Jasper Cullen. _Jasper never pussyfoots around a matter if he can avoid it._

She was incredulous then. For a second or two. When I stayed my ground, she turned to pleading and finally used her trump card.

'You're my best friend!!" she moaned. I pictured myself in a bridesmaid gown and almost turned her down again. She seemed to have read my mind somehow because her next sentence qualm me off my thoughts immediately.

"You'll be wearing a handsome tux of course," she bleated. I gave in. She was my best friend after all.

Edward only chuckled when Bell told him I had agreed.

"It's those damn brown eyes, isn't it Jas?" he teased. I rolled my eyes. He was right. Bella was very good at channeling mom .

That was 12 months ago.

They had set the date almost 12 months ago, after I was officially given the clean bill of health. It was a joyous occasion for all of us. A double celebration if you will.

And today, today we had arrived at their wedding day. Right here on the Cullen grounds.

The house had been transformed into a fairytale setting. I had no idea what the flowers were called except that they were gorgeous and fitted Bella's theme perfectly. Neither could I tell you what the silk materials hanging over the balustrades and chandeliers were supposed to be except that they were beautiful and complemented the setting entirely.

Emmett was best man, so naturally Rosalie took the role of master of ceremony.

It was a small gathering of people. Just a handful of friends and family members. Dad's relatives from Alaska, the Denalis had come down to join us on this joyous occasion. Bella's mom Rene and her step - dad Phil came up from Phoenix, so did Bella's dad Charlie and his partner Sue and her kids, Leah and Seth. Alice was here too. She wouldn't miss this for anything. She also brought her famous designer friend James. He had designed Bella's fairy tale wedding gown.

"Don't you look gorgeous Jazzy!" she winked at me when we met. I leaned in to give her a kiss. She smelled just as I envisioned her. Sweet and airy. Citrus and freesia with a hint of vanilla in the mix.

"Hey sunshine, look who's talking.." I winked back at her.

We couldn't talk much because she was a busy bee today.

"Sorry Jazz, I've gotta make sure everything's perfect before the ceremony starts," she said apologetically before she ran off after Bella. I laughed at my tiny friend. I did tell her she would be digging her own grave when she appointed herself planner on the day Bella broke the news to her. She had to drop a project – I didn't know how she managed to explain that to her boss, to do this for Bells and Edward. One thing she was though, she was a true friend. We were lucky to have her here.

A gust of wind blew into the house suddenly and I shivered involuntarily. Was it going to rain? That wouldn't be good. The function was going to be held outside, it wouldn't do if it started raining.

I peeked outside and looked up. The sun was shining happily. That was funny. I threw caution to the wind that the fair weather would stay until the evening was over.

The ceremony was perfect. Bella was gorgeous and Edward was every bit her knight in shining armor. They couldn't have look more perfect for each other. I still couldn't believe that my baby brother had beaten both Emmett and I to the aisle. As the ceremony went on, I took a cursory look around, looking for the familiar face. She was there, the girl of my dreams. She looked like an angel.

I caught sight of mom. Oh mom. She was crying buckets. I should've have known. At least it was happy tears.

The function lasted right through the evening. I danced with Bella a couple of times, Alice a couple of times. She was so poised on the dance floor, it was hard not to be mesmerized by her.

"Ballet, 12 years," she exclaimed embarrassedly. I should've known. I wanted to dance with her some more, but her friend James was calling her and I had to let her go.

I was dancing with mom when I felt it coming. The strange gushing feeling in the bridge of my nose. I told her I had to go to the bathroom quickly. She thought I had had too much wine. I merely chuckled, I hadn't bothered to explain. By the time I reached my bathroom, I knew I was leaking.

The same foreboding feeling I had felt two years ago returned to my chest like it had never left.

I pulled my hand away shakily, fear of what I would see.

_Crimson. A pool of crimson in my cupped palm. _

I staggered, my knees buckling under my weight. My free hand grappling for the edge of the vanity to steady myself.

_Please God No..This isn't what I think it is.._

I tried to stop the bleeding. It wouldn't stop._ Just like the last time.  
_

I felt faint. Not necessarily from the blood loss. But from the knowing fear that had crept back into my mind.

Symptoms: Breathlessness. Fever. Bleeding.

I did not hear someone calling until it was too late.

"Hey Jazz!! Where are you dude..they're about to throw Bella's flowers.. and garter.. you're needed!" It was Emmett. I scrambled to hide the evidence.

He was too quick. The room had begun tilting precariously.

"Jazz there you…" He started, but just as quickly the goofy grin died on his face.

The look on his face was priceless. Shock. Fear. Recognition.

"Emmett.." I whimpered, my crimson hand cupped mid- air in front of me_, _like a blood offering for a sacrifice.

The knowledge of what this meant settled itself in my heart, stabbing me even as the room tilted backwards before my eyes. The black word stamped in bold red letters in my head, too large to go unnoticed.

**_Relapse._**

I heard by brother scream my name.

_I'm sorry._ _God I'm sorry._

Darkness swallowed me whole. I couldn't escape. I never did.

..........

..................

..........................

.........................

..............................

I gasped awake. A strangled breath caught in my throat.

My eyes blinked open and I felt the wetness on the side of my face.

Another dream.

Would it never end?

It took me a second to register there was someone else beside me on my bed.

"Jazz?"

Bella. I had forgotten she had decided to keep me company tonight. Like old times she said. Did she witness me gasp in the throes of my nightmare? She leaned over from where she sat now, on the one side of my huge bed and brushed my head gently, worry marring her heart shaped face. _Ever my best friend. And now my sister._

"Bad dreams again?" she asked me softly. I blinked my eyes close slowly. _ Yes._

"Oh Jazz..I wish I could take it away from you," she whispered to me sadly.

"Is it the same dream again? Like the last time?" she asked.

I had never told them, except maybe Bella, of the dreams I'd been having since the start of this. Even after my CR, the dreams did not cease. They still haunted me while I slept.

They were never the same dreams really. Different settings, scenarios, different people sometimes. But they always ended the same.

_I died. I always died. _

The darkness always swallowed me back.

If I told them of my dreams, I reckoned they'd understand why my moods were so dark some days. It wasn't because I was fond of them, they came to me unbidden. Like I was cursed to be in gloom forever. I simply couldn't escape.

"Tell me.. it would help," she urged, like she usually did.

"You wouldn't like it Bells," I told her softly. She only knew I had them. But I had never told her about them.

"I don't mind..tell me.. are they the same dreams?" she inquired. Always the same question. She was always very inquisitive.

"No... different dreams. This one..this one was of your wedding." I smiled. She looked at me shocked. I didn't know why I decided to tell her now.

"You looked beautiful. Just like an angel.." I told her dazedly as I recalled how she had appeared in my dream. She smiled wistfully as she listened to my description of her most important day.

"Did my appearing in a wedding gown scared you?" she asked teasingly.

"No.. I was happy .. the beginning was happy.." I murmured. I saw her frown.

"Tell me the ending," she asked.

"What happened?" She wasn't interested in her wedding anymore. She wanted to know what made me gasp and cry.

"The dreams... do they end differently as well?" she asked again, peering closer to me. I shook my head.

"Tell me.." She implored. Her hand cupped my cheek and she turned my face to look at hers. _Tender brown eyes. Just like mom. She'd make a good mom._

"Tell me," she implored again.

"They always end the same way.." I whispered, almost as if they were a secret.

" Tell me.."

_let me share your pain, _her eyes beckoned to me silently.

" I die." I croaked, a tear unwittingly escaping my eye again.

Her face crumpled instantly.I should've known she wouldn't take this stoically.

She closed the distance between us and rested her head in the crook of my neck, cradling my head with her hands, as she sobbed silent tears down my neck. My own tears running down the side of my face, into my ears, onto the pillows.

"I'm sorry I told you," I whispered to her as I ran my hand up and down her back between her shoulders. _I shouldn't have said anything. She was in pain now because I told her. My poor sister. My best friend._

"Oh Jazz... please don't say that.."

" That's not gonna happen. You aren't gonna die okay? They're just dreams..just dreams.."

_Then why do they always end the same way?_

....

"Bella.. you're my best friend.." I spoke to her with a sense of urgency suddenly. She pulled back and her face knotted into wary concern.

I suddenly realized what I wanted to say to her.

"If I die..."

"NO.. don't say it!" she hissed vehemently, her brown eyes narrowing at me angrily._ Dont! _She warned silently.

My own eyes pleaded at her to hear me out.

"Bells..please.." She shook her head furiously at me. I touched her hand, silently pleading for her to stop.

"Please…you're the only one I can ask of this," I begged. She refused to look at me now. I touched her tear stained cheek. My hand begging her to look at me. _Please._ Anguished eyes looked down on me. _Tell me._ She asked silently.

"If anything happens to me... promise me you'll be there for my family," I could barely say it myself. I didn't want to think of the worse case scenario, but if anything were to happen, I knew they would fall apart. I needed to know she would be there to keep them together. It would give me peace. If...

"Nothing's going to happen to you.." she whimpered anew, fat tears falling down her cheeks again.

"I know… but just in case.. promise me..."

Her face crumpled once more as she nodded her answer. She closed the distance between us again and hugged me tight, muffling her now vocal cries in my neck. My hand resuming their motion up and down her back as my own silent tears ran rivulets down my face.

* * *

A/N: This was also partly inspired by the quote "_Dark are my dreams of late" from LOTR ( I love!) _.... I know. This is seriously angsty. I hope the tissue warning was adequate. Some of you probably thought it weird that Bells kept Jasper company at night, but they are best friends...enough said.

Reviews and inputs are loved.......


	23. Promise Me:Bella

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's

A/N: This happens in the same time as the previous filler chapter, but in Bella's POV. I received some reviews where readers weren't quite sure of the timeline of the filler. Hopefully this will tie it together. And yes, previous wedding scene was a dream - in the future.

* * *

**Filler 7 : Promise Me - Bella**

Bella POV

"If I die.."

I felt as though he personally lanced me through the heart with a spike. How could he even consider that possibility?

" NO! don't say it!" I lashed out harshly. I didn't mean to get angry but how could he even entertain that thought? He was halfway through wasn't he? In any case, he was too young to be thinking about his own mortality, Cancer be damned! He would overcome this. He was 22 and he was strong. He would grow old with us. He would be there when Edward and I got married one day.

"Bells please," he pleaded. I shook my head furiously, tuning-out his pleading voice from my head. I would not listen to his crazy notion. I felt his hand touch mine, a silent plea for me to stop and listen. He spoke again, his words were heart wrenching. I was the only one he could ask of it. He said. I could not bear to look at his face now, I feared I was going to break if I did. His hand reached up to touch my tear stained cheek. It was funny how we had always somehow understood each other's gestures as easily as words. _Please._ It meant. I could not say no. I pushed my fear away and looked down at him. The anguish in his eyes mirrored my own. _Tell me_. I told him silently.

"If anything happens to me… promise me you'll be there for my family,"

I was just about ready to break into pieces hearing his request. He was worried about his family._ My poor friend, how I wish I could find the words that will comfort you and take away the worry eating at you._

"Nothing's going to happen to you," I uttered a poor substitute instead. I started crying again, the feeling in my chest finally overcoming my will to hold them at bay.

"I know…but just in case..promise me.." he pleaded.

I nodded my head shakily just as I felt my face crumple and my sobs start to come out. I closed the distance between us again, pushing my face into his neck as I tried to muffle the cries coming in torrents out me now; his hand coming up to rub my back, easing the sobs out even as he cried silent tears with me.

It must have been a while before I managed to calm down. His hand hadn't stop stroking my back until then.

"You okay?" he asked softly and smiled. Somehow I felt maybe this conversation, painful as it was, did some good to him. It had allayed one of his worries. I smiled back.

"Yes.. you must be tired..I'm sorry for keeping you up," I said softly and readjusted myself to make him a little more comfortable. He was tired. I made to pull my hand away but he held on to it to rest on his chest.

"Thank you Bella.." he whispered faintly as his eyes closed and his breathing evened out slowly. I lay silently beside him, my head resting on his shoulder, relaxing to the hum of his breathing and sending a little prayer to whoever was listening, that his sleep was dreamless and peaceful for once.

I crept out to clean myself up after I was sure he had fallen asleep. Then I went downstairs to get myself a glass of water; my throat was parched from all the crying.

"Bella? You still up?" A voice approached me from behind.

My Edward.

He came up from behind me and I felt his strong arms wrap around my shoulders. I leaned into his comforting hold at once. We stood in captured embrace silently for a moment, reveling in each others' soothing presence.

"He had a bad dream.." I whispered afterward and almost broke down again. He must have sensed my feeling because he turned me around immediately and peered into my face. I must have looked like a puffer fish right now.

"You okay?" He asked concernedly. I nodded my head. I hugged him tight, letting his presence dispel the sadness lingering in me.

"Is he okay?" He asked next. I nodded my head a second time. He pushed strands of my hair away from my forehead and planted a kiss there.

" He's lucky to have you as a friend Bella.. I'm lucky to have you.. thank you," he murmured softly to my head. I only made to hug him even closer to me. I was lucky too. I looked up at him.

"I love you," the words were never to enough to express the extent of my feelings for him, but it would have to do for now.

"I love you too Bella," he smiled and leaned down to capture my lips for a kiss.

"Come..let's get you to bed.." he ushered a moment later, pulling me gently into his side as we trundled back upstairs.

* * *

A/N: leave some love!

* * *


	24. Love 101

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed 'promise me' and shed a tear or two. I hope the subsequent filler clarified any issues irregularities/ confusion regarding the timeline in pm. This chapter explores further Alice's relationship with Jasper. Will she move continents? Will she choose her career?

Summary: Alice wants to eat her cake and also her icing. Greedy little sprite!

* * *

**Chapter 17: Love 101**

_~ Think not you can direct the course of love, _

_for love if it finds you worthy, directs your course~_

_Kahlil Gibran_

_June 18_

**Alice POV**

I fucked up bad.

3 weeks ago, I fucked up really bad.

I didn't know how I could have made such a blunder, how I could've missed the deadline. But I did. And because of that, we'd lost a potentially huge portfolio. My fault. It was my job. Alice Brandon lost MDE a freaking big client. In all my years in MDE, I had never made such a blunder. I was the reliable one, for God sakes!

_How in the hell did this happen?!_

To say that Marcus and Didyme were furious at me, was putting it mildly. I could have sworn the entire 6 floor building heard it when Marcus unleashed his fury at me. And Marcus, scary and intimidating as he was, losing his temper within public earshot or scrutiny was a rare thing.

Like I said, I fucked up really bad.

I could put this down to human flaw. I was human, and therefore I was bound to make a mistake one of these days. But even I found it hard to accept this. My motto had always been about giving the best in everything that I did. With the exception of one very specific area of my life, my motto was good as gold.

_Again, how did this happen to me? It was as if I went to sleep and didn't even realize it._

I should count myself lucky, Didyme told me kindly after Marcus's tongue lashing of me in their shared office. I was too involved in this fashion runway project for them to just dismiss me. She needed me to continue working with her. Marcus would have cut me loose otherwise. Liability. He had said condescendingly.

_Liability? What a blow to my ego. _

Maybe I was indeed very lucky. Had the program gone as planned three months ago, they probably would have let me loose already. As it were, the show had been delayed for as much as three weeks from its original date due to "politics" arising from some of the showcasing designers. Drama, what else was new.

"Use this time to prove us wrong Alice, that you are still an asset to MDE," she clucked as she deposited a fat folder onto my waiting hands. Kind words. But I wasn't born yesterday, hello! The warning in her voice was expertly veiled, but I heard it nonetheless.

I knew for sure, I was going to be paying dearly in sweat and sleepless nights due to this huge error. I was still not sure how I could have missed the booking of the event chosen by the new client of ours. It was tagged clearly on the file on my desk and I even had a reminder made on my task manager in my mailbox. Marcus dropping sarcastic hints that perhaps my mind was focused somewhere else only added more wound to my bruised ego. Still, I had half the mind to ask him where he thought that was. Thankfully I was still sane enough to keep my tongue.

The worst thing though, yesterday, I heard rumor down the grapevine that the new agency in New York was going to be headed by none other than Alistair Stewart, a senior partner of MDE's English agency in London. I knew I had just blown a huge sum of income for the company, but did they have to rub this in my face now? It made me wonder if that silly conversation I had had with them three months ago was just sweet talk. When I had returned to my desk, the news got even worse. Gianna came prancing by my desk and told me snottily that she was a potential candidate for the post of assistant to Alistair. Marcus had personally informed her. I nearly went for her throat.

I was beside myself with the news. How in the world had the tables turned on me so suddenly and without me even realizing it?

A part of me wanted to believe that perhaps Gianna had something to do with this because her potential candidacy and my fall was just too perfect to be sheer coincidence. I knew she harbored a personal jealousy and vendetta against me. But the other part of me also knew that I was every bit to blame for my fall from grace. I knew myself only too well.

This had everything and nothing to do with 2 words.

.....

**_Jasper Cullen._**

**_.....  
_**

Ever since coming back from New York, I had been distracted. Entirely too distracted.

I had been too caught up in my fantasy telephone "romance" with a gorgeous, wonderful, amazing, dimpled smile boy thousands of miles away. I could not blame him even if I wanted to. The blame was mine and mine alone. I was the one who couldn't stay away from the freaking phone, calling him every two freaking days like an obssesive fangirl/stalkerer. While I couldn't deny the amazing (or should I say AMAZING) chemistry we had over the phone, I had no proof or confirmation whatsoever that he even thought of me as being more than just a very good friend. Hence why it was only a fantasy telephone "romance" instead of a real one. Much like fantasy football, only more pathetic.

I had read countless COSMO 'how to' features shit, thanks to our free monthly supplement. _How to know a guy was into you?_ Yeah, that feature was in the magazine that was prettifying my bathroom floor at the moment. Maybe I should have really taken pointers there when I read that particular one, if only to remind myself what a loser I was.

How many times had he called me really? I could probably count that in one hand. Not that I could really accuse him of being a miser. I was the one calling him every God damn two days - practically doing the chasing here.

And how could I forget what he told me in our very first conversation, "I don't want you to read into this…" he had said with regards to how my call had made him feel then._ And what did Alice do? She got caught up in it anyhow._

And sure he had a nickname for me, and I was _melted butter_ every time he called me that, but again, it only stuck because of a blunder I had made. For all I knew, he called me that now to tease me and remind me of my stupidity. All those wonderful things that I imagined him doing on the other side of the phone, every time we spoke, it had all been in my head!, a figment of my imagination - as in, not necessarily the true case in reality!

There was a big reason why I had never really paid much attention to the area of "love" in my life – I knew jackshit about pursuing real relationships, somehow always ending up living them in my pretty little imaginative head. I was doomed to a perpetual big fat red F on this subject; I lacked the basic aptitude to understanding the working formulas of love in the 'real sense' and therefore its application in real life. In other words, I sucked big time in the pursuit of love.

Whether it was a gene anomaly or maybe God just had a wicked sense of humor when he made me, I wasn't sure which; but my apparent lack of skills in the areas of love was more than made up for by my excellence in other areas of my life. I was a go getter and a true Olympian for that matter in that I aimed for gold every time, and most of the time too, I got what I wanted. So I never quite had an issue with this seemingly unfair tradeoff. In fact I felt quite lucky. Unlike the stories I've heard of people going through horrible turmoil in their relationships, my relationships in the past with men, and there have been many; were a string of short, fun and easy non-commitments; they rode in the backseat, enjoying the view, while my career and personal development too the driver's seat. My career had always taken precedence. I liked it that way. I liked having control of my destiny.

So yeah, boys and men had never been an issue for me really.

Obviously _this boy_ had a much stronger hold on me to cause this.

_Wow. That's some shit power he had there to be able to influence someone's life without even really being there in person._

Perhaps I had been thrilled by the idea that maybe this was "it" - my 'cove love story', my very own "The Notebook" come to life. _I mean, which sane person who'd seen the movie didn't want a Notebook love story? _To be true, love really wasn't my game; I failed LOVE 101, 106, 125, 211 and so forth time and time again. My career on the other hand was my governing compass. Letting it go down because I found this non- existent 'thing with Jasper' more thrilling and exciting would be a very stupid decision to make.

Again, this 'thing with Jasper' was only _'real' _in my head. Right now, he was sitting in Seattle, and I was in Milan. _Hello!! Wake up!!_

Maybe subconsciously, this was also a driving factor in my wanting to move to New York. That I wanted to see where this could go. Big fucking undertaking for perpetual F grader Alice, but for some reason I wanted to try anyhow.

But I wanted to try without having to jeopardize my career. Surely I could eat my cake and have the icing too? Nothing wrong in wanting to aim high really.

_Now New York was out of the picture. _

_Ergo, no Jasper. _

I let out an exasperated sigh and tapped my pen furiously against the edge of my desk.

I missed him. Missed hearing his voice.

I hadn't called him in over a week.

The truth was, I was scared. Scared that I might not have the courage to just let this "idea" slide, if I continued to talk to him like I did for the last 6 weeks. _ 6 weeks of bliss!!_

I was also a little scared for some reason of disappointing him with the news that I wasn't coming to New York. He seemed so happy for me when I had told him of this, weeks ago.

Maybe, maybe if I played my cards right with Dids, they might still consider sending me to New York in the near future.

And if that were the case, then maybe I could still try to test this 'thing with Jasper'. Just the thought made me all perky and excited again. I crossed my fingers internally.

_Game plan: Serious ass kissing._

I needed to blow Didyme's socks off, that much was true. The success of this show was pivotal. I had no room to make any error. No room for distraction, for now at least. This amazing thing with Jasper needed to be taken a few notches down until I had absolutely redeemed my position in MDE.

With my mind made up, I pushed the gear into reverse, and made a quick left turn to go off the path I was on currently. I'd get back on this road again soon enough, I thought to myself.

_I neglected to see the big flaw in my plan. I failed love 101 didn't I? What did I know of directing the course of love or if I even had any power to direct it?_

*********

_June 18_

**JPOV**

I was getting worried. She hadn't called in over a week. I wondered if something was up. When she called while I was in hospital the one day, she had seemed distressed about something. But it was hard knowing for sure if Alice was bothered by something for long, because of her amazing ability to perk up in seconds. But something was up. Something was definitely up.

I dialed her number.

Voicemail.

Could she be in danger? I certainly hope not. I would not entertain that notion. I certainly hope GOD would not fuck me up with another bomb. I was still reeling with Rosalie's startling discovery as it were.

I called again. I would leave a message this time.

"Hey Sunshine, Jazz here..just wondering if you're alright? Maybe you're just busy with the project, anyway, don't want to disturb you.. but call me when you have a free moment? Just want to hear that you are indeed in one piece still. Call me, please." I pressed the # button and promptly closed my phone.

I groaned. Did I have to sound so desperate?

I knew I was falling in love with this girl, but she didn't know that. For all I knew, she probably thought we were just friends.

_Fuck. Really Jasper? I thought you were boyfriend and girlfriend by now…._

_Of course we were only just friends!_ _ She was there, I was here. We were separated by a large volume of water, not to mention a few countries in between._

I had told myself that I would not push this, and especially not her. I wanted something out of this, but beggars couldn't be choosers, and I was sadly a beggar in this situation. I had nothing to offer her in terms of stability, and I definitely had nothing against the stability her career provided her. Well, until this shit was over at least. At least that was my hope.

But if she were to come to me with an offer, I'd jump on it at a moment's heartbeat. And if she came to New York, when she came to New York, who knows… perhaps I may just give chance a run for her money, cancer be damned.

_I loved her. God I was seriously in love with her._

I was going back in for the second HiDac consolidation round in another two weeks time. I was halfway through this. I'd probably recover faster now, and could probably wrap up with the last round in under a month. And after that, I'd have my transplant. If things went well from there I could be back to normal in about 6 months.

If she hadn't come here by then, I'd be flying to Italy to woo the socks off of her. I grinned. Maybe then, I'd asked dad what he did to win mom's heart in Italy.

"Honey, you ready? Shall we go?" Mom jolted me from my thoughts. We were going to the hospital for my routine test and also top up on my blood and platelets. If Saturday's fainting spell was of any indication, I was running low on both again.

"How's Alice?" she asked as we drove off.

I told her of her silence over the last week. If she was concerned, her face remained neutral.

"Honey.. how do you feel about her?" she asked suddenly. I groaned. Did I really want to talk 'girls' with my mother?

"Mom..can we not talk about this?" I muttered, scratching my beanie covered head in response. I could sense she was chuckling by the way her body shook minutely from the corner of my eyes.

"Oh come on…you can tell me," she prodded. I looked at her and instantly regretted my actions. Those brown eyes were bewitching, let me tell you that.

"I like her a lot," I muttered, hoping she would take bait on my Switzerland answer.

"We've established that on your second conversation with her honey," she clucked plainly. The teasing in her eyes was obvious. I rolled mine.

_Okay I love her._ I thought silently.

"Love?"

_Did I say my thoughts out loud?_

"Yes honey, you did.." she answered my question and promptly broke into a tinkle of laughter. I must have turned a bright shade of red, how with my low blood count, I wasn't really sure. But I was embarrassed.

"Yeah.." I confirmed my thoughts a short while later though, grinning happily that I had admitted my feelings publicly for the first time. She reached for my hand and squeezed it firmly.

"I'm glad you found someone honey, I hope she appreciates you for all you're worth, she's one lucky woman," she spoke softly, her voice cracking a little as she said so.

"Mom..don't go misty eyes on me please.." I begged, although I was silently touched by her words.

"I'm your mother, give me a break," she responded bluntly.

Mothers were probably born with a sixth sense for reading emotions, because she seemed to have felt my worry about the obvious hurdle preventing any form of concrete thing happening between me and Alice; she spoke again.

"Though his ways are hard and steep, when love beckons to you, follow him. When he speaks to you, believe him,"*

I cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at her. Quoting dead poets now? She grinned.

"The way to love isn't always straight sweetheart, a lot of times, it's hard work. But if you're meant to be, if love finds the two of you worthy, it'll happen. One way or another, you'll find a way," she smiled as her eyes remained focused on the road.

_Did I ever mention that I had such an awesome mom?_

_Thank you._ I offered my thanks to her silently with a grin. I supposed there was no harm in putting my faith in destiny or love. If I was destined to be with Alice, we'd get there one day. For now, I'd focus on getting my health back where I needed it to be. One day at a time.

*******

I wondered though when she called me the next day, if I had been too quick to put my faith in the hands of destiny. She called in with bad news. She didn't get the job in New York. I was more devastated than I thought possible.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I don't know… really. Well..what happened was…..," she started explaining to me what had taken place in the last three weeks. I felt bad for her. I knew her career meant a lot to Alice.

"I'm sorry Alice, why do I feel that I had something to do with this?" I said a little worriedly. When she didn't negate me, I knew something else was coming. Something bad...

"Jas..I'm gonna be a little busy in the coming weeks, maybe even the following month or so..." she muttered softly. I could visualize her biting her lip as she said the words to me. I felt my heart sink. What was she trying to say here?!

"Yeah?" I prompted, trying to rein in the sudden feeling of sadness in my chest.

"I might not be able to speak to you as often.." she mumbled, hesitantly. For a brief second, an absurd thought flashed in my mind. _She was breaking up with me?_ _But then how could she, we weren't even together._

"Are you breaking up with me?" I vocalized my mind on afterthought, in a joking voice that could only be construed as self protective levity - if she had bothered to read into it.

If her half chuckle at my flippant response worried me, her answer distressed me even further.

"Oh Jazz..don't put it that way..it's not like..we are... you know," she said a little testily.

**_O... kay._**

_That confirmed it. We were __**only friends.**_

I knew the possibility of that right from the beginning. I even told myself this several times in the 6 weeks that I had gotten to know her better. But hearing the truth roll out of her mouth, what she thought of us, of me – still hurt.

I laughed in response, if only to salvage my pride. I hoped she didn't hear how fake it was.

We went silent for a bit.

"Jazz, are we..uhh still okay?" she asked a moment later. Maybe she did hear the fake-ness in my laugh.

"Yeah..of course, why wouldn't we be?" I said lightly in return. Silence again. Somehow it felt awkward suddenly.

_Of course it is. We were never meant to be just friends Alice…_

"We'll speak again soon?" she prompted, her voice injected with the usual tinge of perky.

"Yeah ..sunshine.. we'll speak soon," I replied as lightly and perkily as I could muster my voice to be.

If I didn't think I could feel a stronger pain than what I was already feeling dealing with this illness, I was wrong. I didn't know which was worst now, the stabbing pain that came with this knowledge of cancer or the cold numbing pain of rejection that was now enveloping the beating thing inside my chest.

I didn't hear from Alice again until the next week. I went through a period of withdrawal for the week that she didn't. I tried to remain positive though, but some days were worse than others. Edward and Emmett called in a few times to ask if I was alright. They probably got the heads up from mom and dad. I told them nothing. They didn't need to know that I had made a fool of myself. Going in too deep before I even learned how to swim. I was a fool in love. A big fool.

********

_June 28_

**Alice POV**

He went in today. I had called him briefly on Wednesday. He sounded, down. Maybe because he was going to be cooped up in the hospital for another two weeks. For some reason, I had a feeling it was also partly my fault. I wondered what he would think if he knew I was feeling down as well.

Our telephone conversation went from amazing to awkward. It bothered me so much, even if I didn't vocalize it to him.

Our previous conversation kept replaying in my head.

When I had told him about not being able to speak to him as often as before, he had responded flippantly about me giving the breakup talk to him. I didn't know why I felt offended.

_Maybe because you wanted him to say something else altogether?_

So I responded in the only way I knew. I told him the truth.

_But you didn't really need to be so flipping sarcastic about it_!

I wondered if he heard it in my words. When he only laughed at my response, I thought I was about ready to cry.

I suddenly hated the fact that he was causing all this unnecessary dredging up of emotion inside me now. It made me feel so lost, I didn't know which way was up, and which was down.

What I did know though was this – I needed my focus if I wanted to get back to New York. And I couldn't risk it a second time.

*******

**JPOV**

_June 28_

Day 1 of my second round of HiDac. My first bag was done. I'd be getting my second bag in the evening. Alice called me 4 days ago.

Somehow things were a little awkward. I hated it. What happened? I wish we could just get back to where we were. Why couldn't we just go back to where things were when nothing was even said? Why did love always complicate things?

I knew I was probably causing this awkwardness. It was I who was rejected wasn't it? My ego was hurt, and I was throwing a tantrum as a result.

Even if she did reject me, she had been a true friend since we started talking. Alice didn't deserve this treatment. Our friendship didn't deserve this.

_Fuck Jasper. Grow up. Shit happens. Go past it._

If friendship was all I could get from her, I would be blessed still wouldn't I?

I knew the answer to that.

When she called next, I would do the appropriate thing. She was worth more than my burnt pride. I would be stupid to just drop someone as precious as her for my stupid ego.

********

_June 30_

She called in. As much as I tried to downplay it for the _hopeful Jasper_ in me, I still felt the familiar tug of happiness bubbling inside me whenever I heard her voice.

"Hi sunshine," I answered into the phone, injecting an extra dose of positivity in my voice.

"Treatment going well?" she responded, no doubt surprised at my burst of positivity there.

"Yeah.. so far so good. If I do well, I get to go home early." I mentioned to her. My progress was actually very good. Dr R was very pleased with the result of my blood work in the last week.

I asked about work. She sighed tiredly. She was really slaving for her boss for this one. She was obviously trying to make up for lost ground. I genuinely felt bad for her, partly because I had caused this.

"Are you enjoying it still?" I asked out of curiosity somewhere in the middle of our conversation. I was asking about her work because she really didn't seem to be enjoying what she was doing now. I should have known better than to question a cranky woman.

"What is that supposed to mean? Of course I enjoy it.. I love my work!" she stated a little hotly.

I backpedaled as fast as I could. I was trying to remedy the tension that had marred our friendship the last two weeks, just wanting to get back to old times with her and this was the last thing I wanted.

"Sorry sunshine, I didn't mean that..of course you enjoy your work…I'm just concerned about you overworking yourself, that's all," I supplied contritely. After the customary momentary silence where she usually mulled her thoughts, I was more than happy when she perked up to animated pixie Alice again, and I was back in the role of listener in the script we had perfected over the last 6 weeks. She updated me with the project that was underway. Suffice to say there was a lot of unloading of feelings from her. Something I rarely heard.

"Sorry Jazz… for unloading on you. I'm just really uptight right now with this." She apologized later on.

"I barely have enough sleep as it is, and I've been drinking too much coffee from all the meetings I've had to go through, and on top of that I have Marcus and Dids breathing down my neck like dragons.."

……

……….

"I'm tired and I'm cranky." She huffed. I grinned on the other side of the phone, expecting the climactic statement coming already.

"Kissing ass is a lot shit work!" She blurted exasperatedly in the end. I just about pissed myself laughing at her huffy cuteness.

"Interesting observation my love," I responded absentmindedly, the term rolling off my tongue naturally even as I roared laughing through the phone. I should have noticed her going absolutely still on the other side momentarily but I was too happy to have gotten our good vibe back. I didn't even realize my horrible faux pas until later. My only plausible excuse for this was that the chemo had worked its way into my system and had sabotaged the pathway between my brain, my heart and my mouth.

*********

_July 1, Milan_

**Alice POV**

_Clik!_

The fluorescent light in my head switched on instantly.

_Did he just say what I think he just said?!??_

Oh my god, Oh my God Oh my God!

I felt like squealing with joy and at the same time I felt like I was turning into jello. I was at the moment standing in the hallway in the Fashion council office waiting for Didyme to finish her long chat with a friend of hers and I was half worried I was going to be a puddle of unrecognizable blob on the expensive carpeting if I didn't stop my internal hyperventilating now.

He must have not have realized what he had just said because he carried on talking afterward as if he hadn't just said such a big statement.

_Fucking big statement!!!_

Maybe I shouldn't actually be reading into it.

But shit. That sounded 10 times better than 'sunshine'. 100 times better.

Oh dear. I was getting ahead of myself again.

_I had better rein the emotion in,_ I thought reasonably.

_On second thought, fuck that! _

I felt a giggle coming from deep inside me. Bursting. _Champagne anyone?!_

I couldn't stop the big fat grin stretching on my face even if I tried to.

********

_Monday, July 6_

**JPOV**

So far so good! Had my BMB test done today and probably getting my green-light to go home tomorrow for the weekend. Maybe even sooner. This week had been smooth sailing and I was grateful for small mercies. No nausea, no fever. My bloodwork was looking good. I was still churning out damaged red blood cells, but it was indicative that the chemo was working. No sign of leukemia cells still. Pretty fantastic diagnosis I'd say.

I was happy too that Alice and I had returned to our comfortable climate over the phone.

So what if I still loved her? It didn't matter if she didn't feel the same kind of love for me.

Loving her was pretty special privilege as it is.

I had called her _mine_. I couldn't believe I had said that and not realized it instantly. Truth be told, having thought about it; I kinda felt good about having said that to her. I just hoped she didn't freak out unnecessarily from it.

She hadn't called yet. Probably busy with the event. It was supposed to be happening this weekend for a week.

**********

_July 8  
_

**Alice POV**

I rang Jasper quickly in the morning to inquire about his result. All was good he said. He was leaving for home on Friday. I was happy to hear the cheer in his voice. He was pretty upbeat. The news must have been very positive. _Little victories._

I wanted to ask him about his slip up last week, but had no idea how to put it into words. How could I ask what he meant by saying that without making it appear as if I was offended by it? Or pleased by it? One of those horrifyingly awkward questions obviously where you ended up looking foolish no matter what the answer would be.

Thankfully he raised it. He apologized. I was a little saddened. _He hadn't meant to say it? _I thought wretchedly.

" Uh…no it's not like that sunshine.." he muttered over the phone just as quickly as the thought flashed in my head.

_Shit. I had blurted out my thought again._

" I said it out loud didn't I?" I asked mootlessly. He chuckled softly.

" Sorry," I muttered a little flustered.

"So….did you want me to mean it then?" he asked coyly suddenly. _See? Horrifyingly awkward question that end up making you look like a fool regardless what the answer was._ I was caught. I went red.

" uhm..uhh…" _ God I was a stumbling idiot. Somebody please shoot me. _His chuckle only made me turn a shade red deeper.

"Sorry sunshine..did I put you in a spot there?" he asked sweetly then.

" Uh huh.." _ Still a stumbling idiot. Where's the gun already?!_

"I'm sorry Alice," he muttered again, sincerely.

Then unexpectedly, because I wasn't expecting it all, he said it.

"My dear Alice, while I am sorry for having probably freaked you out last week, I didn't regret saying it," he stated very softly. His words was seeping with sincerity and honesty.

I glowed instantly.

"You didn't?" I asked a little dazedly, a lot hopefully.

"I didn't." He answered succinctly. I didn't care now if it was only 'real' in my head, but he smiled tenderly at me, his cute dimple sending bursts of electricity through my body.

I suddenly didn't want to hang up. I wanted to be distracted. I wanted to be distracted for a long time, if it could be helped.

He called me his. He meant it.

I had to get transferred to New York. I just had to! Pronto!

I told him I had to run. Duty called. I told him sadly that I would probably only be able to contact him briefly when he got home at the end of the week. He wished me luck for the coming show. "Kiss ass, " he cheered me on. I giggled back at him.

"Jazz, thank you.. for meaning it. I..lik.....love it," I had said cheekily and quickly hung up. _He had left me in a bit of frenzy for days for his bold statement. It was only fair that I left something for him to mull about for the next few. _

As I headed to meet up with Didyme for my daily report, I realized excitedly that we had entered a new territory in our "friendship – relationship" today. He liked me. And not just in the platonic way, if his slip up was anything to go by. And now, he knew that I liked him too. And not in a platonic way either. I squealed 6 times inside.

********

_July 11  
_

**Alice POV**

I called his cell today. He should be going home today. I was still running about and had quickly nipped out to "smoke" for five minutes. I checked my watch. He was probably on the road home now.

"Hello Jazz," I rushed to say when he picked up. I had just wanted to say Hi and maybe hear his voice a bit. The last few days since our last enlightening conversation had me dreaming of him every night.

"Alice?"

I frowned.

"It's Emmett."

"Oh Hi Emmett….how are you?" I muttered quickly. I really had no time to trade courtesy right now, my five minutes was nearly over. _Pass the phone to Jazz!_ I pleaded silently.

"Uhmm..can I speak to Jazz?" I asked, not bothering to let him respond.

.......

...............

...................

.........................

"Alice….Jazz…..Jazz is in ICU,"

"…He's..very.. sick," he stammered. I panicked as I caught the scratchy dampness of tears in his voice.

_NO!_

My new world, the one with Jazz in it; lurched to a standstill and crashed.

* * *

A/N : Oh no!!!!!!!!

evil author says..Oh yessss!! Reviews are love. Leave me some lovin' people.

* Kahlil Gibran - The prophet speaks on love.


	25. Something Wicked This Way Comes

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's

A/N: Thank you to all those who read & reviewed. This was a hard chapter to write,only because I'm no doctor. I try to keep as close to the medical facts as possible, but like i said I'm no doctor, so i hope no one flames me for my errors here.

Summary: Jasper is finally done with his 2nd round of consolidation and spends the last night with Edward.

* * *

**Chapter 18: Something Wicked This Way Comes**

_July 9 _

**JPOV**

Jane was off today. In her stead, I had a new nurse attend to my needs for the day. I wasn't very happy with this. She must have been new, either that or she had some serious issues up her alley because she nearly murdered my back when she dressed my still recovering biopsy wound. What a bitch. It made me feel so grateful that I had Jane as my nurse. I pitied the other patients who had her as theirs.

Whatever, I was going home tomorrow. I felt pretty tip top considering.

I thought of Alice. Her last words to me before she hung up on Monday was that she "loved" the fact that I meant what I said about calling her mine. What a tease. She couldn't just let me live in peace could she? Very clever tactic. I couldn't stop mulling over what she had said since. And I couldn't wait to hear from her again. She was probably swamped with work and had pre-warned me about the possibility of not being able to speak to me from the weekend onwards. I seriously hoped she wasn't going to leave me hanging for the entire week, not after what she had hinted at me. That girl has got me dreaming of her every night. Not that I was complaining, between dreaming of her and the bad dreams I had been having, I'd have her any night.

" What you smiling about Jas?" Edward's voice broke my reverie.

" Nothing.." I grinned. He chuckled and rolled his eyes at me.

" God, you're such a horrible liar.." he intoned flatly.

_Ahh what the hell._

" Alice.. I think ..I think Alice likes me.." I beamed. The smile on his face told me he was happy to hear this news.

"Well, 'bout bloody time she realized it.." he snorted teasingly. If I didn't think my grin could get any wider, it did. My face was starting to hurt from it.

*****************

_July 10, early morning_

I jolted awake in the early hours of the morning. The clock on the wall facing my bed flashed 3:00 am in bright red fonts, giving an eerie gleam to the semi darkened room Edward and I were currently sharing. Redrum flashed in my mind for a brief second.

Did I just have another bad dream?

I could feel my heart racing inside me and I was breathing a little hard as well. Like I had just run the 100 meter dash. Perhaps I had been chased by the dark demons this time. I couldn't remember. My mind was muddled somehow, and my head felt like stuffed cotton wool.

I got up. I needed the gents. As I limped towards the bathroom, I saw Edward spread out uncomfortably on the long couch. His one leg was dangling over the head rest, and the other half lying over the seat and the floor. The couch was obviously too short to take his height, or mine or Emmett's for that matter. He had flown up yesterday to spend the day with me. I was grateful, mom and dad could use a little time off from the center. They went home yesterday afternoon and would come back today to pick us up. I told him he should book into a hotel for the night, but he opted to crash here. No reasons given. Edward was stubborn like that. I didn't ask. I had a feeling Bella would have told him about my dreams. I supposed he wanted to be there as Bella had been if any of my dreams happened to taunt me again. I grinned. If that was his intention he wasn't doing a good job at it. I chuckled quietly as I thought of what Bella might say if I told her this.

I returned to my bed a short while later, feeling a little winded from the short trip to the bathroom and back. Absently I wondered if I was coming down with something. I threw caution to the wind. I'd sleep it off.

_I was going home tomorrow. End of discussion._

How wrong I was.

When I woke up again, I felt as though I'd been hit by a three ton truck. Everything. Hurt. I looked up at the clock again. It was almost 6. The couch was empty. I wondered where Edward was.

I could already feel my mood turning sour because I knew my plan to go home was already out the window. I made to throw the blanket off me but found to my surprise I didn't even have the strength to yank it away. I ended up pushing it off to my side instead. I felt clammy, and I could already feel the heat emanating from my skin.

_Damnit._

_Maybe if I washed my face,_ I thought idly then. Perhaps I'd feel a little better.

I got up and trundled to the bathroom.

I barely made three steps before it hit me, a freezing cold shooting from the tips of my limbs through my veins, fanning out like wild fire across my body. I shook from the sudden assault and my back curled inwards violently as the same freezing cold shot up along the length of my spine and exploded in my head. I gasped from the onslaught just as the floor came up to meet me.

*************

_July 10, morning_

**Edward POV**

I woke up groggily just long before 6 with a serious kink in my neck.

_Damn the couch was a torture machine. _

After yawning and stretching my limbs out, I went to get cleaned up in the bathroom quickly. Jane would be making her rounds soon and it wouldn't do if she caught me in the bathroom naked. Bella would tan my hide.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard a soft thud outside. Was she here already? I scrambled back into my jeans in record time and hastily put my worn shirt back on. I would have to shower at home, I grumbled silently. I peeled the bathroom door open expecting to see her kind face looking at me.

"Hey Jan.." I started,

Instead of her I saw Jasper on the floor, curled into a ball, hyperventilating. I practically jumped to his side.

"Jasper," I called to him as I peeled him off the floor and bundled him up in my arms, half carrying him to the bed. I could feel heat radiating from his skin.

_When did he catch a fever?_

"Som...wrong..Ed.." he mumbled a little incoherently to me, as his face creased in pain. His shallow breathing was scaring me.

I pressed the button once for help and returned to him. He started shaking and sweating.

"Dad..col..d.." he mumbled through clenched teeth. _Dad? _I frowned at his rapid mental decline. Was it possible? Shakily I pressed my two fingers on his neck just under his jaw. A new fear flared inside me when I found it racing. Way too fast.

_Rapid breathing, rapid heart rate, fever, chills, disorientation..._

The signs were making themselves known to me even as I took in Jasper's countenance in front of me. I pressed the button again.

_Where's the fucking help when you need them?!!_

"Jas, I need you to stay with me okay..…can you look at me? Jas?" I said to him as I peered into his eyes, my hands rubbing up his arms and torso, trying to keep him alert; trying to keep what I knew was sweeping through him from overcoming him. He was sweating profusely now and getting clammy cold in my hands despite the heat emanating from him earlier.

Panic set in when I saw the color on his face drain, and his eyes started glazing before my own.

He was fading right before my eyes. I pulled him up in my arms and started shaking him, rubbing his back. Anything to keep him awake.

"Dad?" he mumbled to me weakly once before his head started lolling backwards.

"Jasper!" I yelled.

He was unresponsive.

….

_I hope I was wrong with this. I hope I was bloody wrong!_

**********

"Help!" I begged-cried when I saw Jane step into the room finally. By then Jasper was already going limp in my arms. She ran to me instantly and took charge, paging Dr R at the same time.

"What happened?" she asked me as she took his stats quickly. I saw something flash in her face as she took his BP.

"I saw him on the floor, he was burning up..and then... he just started fading before my eyes.." I relayed to her worriedly. The look on her face seemed to get worse and worse as she took in more vitals.

"What?" I prompted her.

"His BP's too low Edward….It's plummeting, " She said alarmingly, confirming my earlier prognosis when he started becoming disorientated in front of me.

She started peeling the materials off of him, looking for signs of infections. Clues that would help them treat him later.

We saw the rash on his back. She didn't bother telling me what they were. She ran out to call help.

_Shock. _

_Jasper was going into Septic Shock._

..

They confirmed it later. He had had an infection that went unnoticed and it had caused a serious, life threatening inflammatory response in his body.

_How long had the infection started spreading while we slept? _

_How in the hell did __**an infection**__ slip through without us noticing anything! He was fine when he went to bed last night!_

*********

I had to call mom and dad after they had wheeled him into ICU.

Dad had answered the phone, sounding very cheerful. Of course they weren't expecting this to happen. Jasper had been laughing when they left. Dr R had told us that his bloodwork was great and his progress very good.

"Dad you need to come over quickly. Jasper fell ill this morning.." I broke the news.

"Fever?" He asked immediately. I heard the worry lace in his voice clear as day. For once I wished it was only a simple fever. I wanted to cry suddenly.

" I think it's sepsis dad…it was symptomatic of sepsis.." I told him gravely instead. The silence I heard from the other side of the phone was so loud you could hear a pin fall if it did.

"He.. he went into shock..." I supplied shakily moments later. He must have dropped the phone because I heard it clatter and hit something hard.

I called Emmett and Bella next. I didn't bother to explain the details to them, only that Jasper was in ICU and it was emergency.

"Hurry." I pressed urgently, ignoring the emotion that was evident in my voice.

It was the longest hour of my life.

When he came out of Jasper's ICU room, Dr R looked grave. I almost wanted to tell him not to say anything.

"We've managed to stabilize his pressure for now. "

Dr R churned out Jasper's latest medical facts to me as I stood there listening to him. I felt as if I was in twilight zone, and I was back in medical school, in class, listening to a prepared lecture.

His early prognosis was not good. Sepsis was never good. Especially with someone as immune suppressed as Jasper.

_Hypotension. His blood pressure had remained dangerously low despite fluid therapy. They had had to use vasopressor drugs to stabilize him._

_Organ dysfunction. His organs weren't coping on their own. Renal, Respiratory support._

_Organ Hypoperfusion. He was showing signs of lactic acidosis. Too much acid in his bloodstream, and not enough oxygen circulating in his system. His kidneys not excreting waste.._

……………..

"The next 48 hours are going to be very critical for him," he finished, finally.

" Edward, I'm sorry.. I know this must be hard for you,"

I was listening on autopilot.

"Have you called your family?"

I nodded my head absently. Then a thought came to me.

"..is..is he alert?" I didn't know how else to say it. The look on his face was very apologetic. The vision this morning flashed in my mind's eye again. In his room an hour ago, him in my arms, fading away even as I tried to keep him awake.

_He faded before my eyes. I saw him slipping away._

" I'm sorry Edward..Jasper's in coma."

_Don't. Cry. _

I knitted my eyebrows, and steadied the storm brewing in my chest.

" Can I see him?" My voice was barely audible.

I had to wear protective clothing and a mask before they would let me in. I nearly broke down right there by the door when I saw him lying lifelessly on the bed surrounded by machines that were helping him to carry out his normal bodily functions; wires of different sizes and colors snaking out of his body. He was intubated. The ventilating machine was mechanically doing the breathing for him.

Except for the fall and rise of his chest, he looked… dead.

I took the chair beside his bed and grabbed hold of his cold hand and pressed my forehead onto it. Questions ran in my head suddenly. Mocking me, taunting me.

_How did he slip away so quickly? Weren't we supposed to go home today?_

_Why didn't I see this coming? Why didn't I notice him getting sick earlier?_

_If we had caught the infection sooner, he wouldn't have.. gone into shock…_

_He wouldn't look like this now.  
_

_This was my fault. I was supposed to watch him._

"I'm sorry Jas..I'm sorry…"

I broke apart.

_The storm had arrived. The heavy clouds had burst open._

I cried in front of his unresponsive body then, and even with the loud whirr of the machines around him, working to support his organs, because he could not, they couldn't fade out the loud, regretful cries coming out of me.

* * *

A/N: Leave me some lovin'. Thoughts and tears are appreciated.

* * *


	26. Reading Between The Lines

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's

A/N: Went for psychic readings a few times in the past. Fun stuff. Back in "Angels" I mentioned Alice went to a psychic to get her dream interpreted. This is a filler for that.

Summary: Alice's psychic visit.

* * *

**Filler 8: Reading between the lines**

**Alice POV**

I sat down on the plastic chair a little anxiously. How was one to act in situations like this? I looked at the slightly hippie looking lady sitting on the chair opposite me. She didn't look anything like I had imagined a psychic to be. I was expecting more of a witch- looking gypsy with frizzy hair, ugly clothing and mismatching accessories. The lady sitting in front of me looked more liked she came out of Woodstock - Long straight hair, a feather necklace with intricate beading around her neck - _I'd have to ask her later where she got that. _ She had a pretty face, maybe a little weather beaten, there were definite crow's feet on the corners of her eyes, and faint lines around her lips _– maybe I could trade the necklace with a little pot of crease erase, I bet she'd like that, _but like I said, she looked pretty still.

"How can I help you dear?" she said in a pleasant tone.

"I..Uh.." I stammered hesitantly and bit my lip. I wasn't quite sure how to approach her.

" First time hey?" she cocked a knowing eyebrow at me. I smiled sheepishly in return before answering.

"Yeah..I don't know how to ..uhm...what's the procedure?" I said a little confusingly. She let out a tiny laugh.

"What would you like to know Miss.." she prompted for my name. What a dunce – me I mean.

"Oh sorry..my name is. Alice.. Alice Brandon," I supplied.

"Okay Alice….how can I help you?"

I hesitated for a second to ponder if I should actually go ahead with this 'mumbo jumbo'. But the incident at Saks had disturbed me more than I thought possible. Perhaps it was some divine intervention that brought me here in the first place. I settled my concern, took a deep breath and told her of my dreams.

She listened intently to me, only interrupting when she needed me to explain a little more on certain things. When I had finished, she took my hands, palms up and studied them for a few minutes. I was a little more than astonished when she started telling me things about myself, some I had never even told anyone before. Could this be real? Or did she know someone I knew to know these things...

"You've been in many relationships.. nothing permanent, you hate commitments,"

I had the decency to blush. _Yes, I had a lot of very short, fun "relationships" - if it could be termed as that._

".. ahh..I see why, you are married to something else,"

I looked at her incredulously. What was she talking about?

"Your job is very important to you,"

_Well of course. It pays for my hobby. And I happen to love my job.  
_

"You hate not being in control."

Why did I feel like her statement was loaded with some hidden meaning I probably didn't want to hear?

We played 20 questions for like 10 minutes before she finally came back to the question of my dream.

_Ahh…finally progress._

"Your destiny is linked. He is your soulmate," she said matter of factly. I nearly choked on my own saliva.

_You're shitting me!_

" He..he is?" I stammered. And suddenly I was keen to know more. I leaned closer to the table and her and pestered her for more details.

" What do I do? I mean..how do I go forward with this then, if he is my..errr.. soulmate, I don't even know his name," I told her a little despondently a little later in our conversation. She smiled at me kindly.

" Sweetheart, you needn't worry about that, it will happen when the time is right. You will meet him again soon," she said.

That got me a little excited, I had to admit. If the blonde hair and blue eyes were any indication, I bet he was a decent looking catch.

After about 30 minutes or so, my reading was finally done, and I pulled out my purse to make my "donation" when she stopped me suddenly, held my hand and a worried look appeared on her face somehow.

"This boy..you speak of, he is shadowed. His future is shadowed.." she murmured, eyes closed.

'What do you mean?" I made to ask, curiosity pricking the edge of my senses. She seemed to be in pain for second and her eyes squeezed a little harder before she opened them again and stared at me.

"His life hangs in the balance..your destiny is linked, you will fight it. You must decide." She sounded so ominous now that I felt the hairs at the back of my neck rise.

"Decide what?!" I spluttered. The response she gave me might just as well be a riddle because I couldn't understand what she was saying.

"Sweetheart, some things are inevitable in life, no matter how much we resist. Every action will have repercussions. Do not attempt to direct it sweetheart. You need to have faith and courage,"

And she was done. I was a bit overwhelmed by her final words to form a decent response so I meekly thanked her, paid and left.

Being the workaholic that I was, I soon forgot about my entire conversation with her, until the day I had met Bella again.

* * *

A/N: WTF? Lemme know what you make of this..


	27. No Other Medicine but Hope

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Thank you to all those who read and reviewed. Your tears for J & E in the last chapter were truly appreciated.

Summary:Title says it all.

Warning: Tissue alert.

* * *

**Chapter 19: The Miserable Have No Other Medicine but Hope**

_ Shakespeare * Measure for Measure~_

_July 11, 10pm_

**Alice POV**

"Alice….Jazz…..Jazz is in ICU,"

"…He's..very.. sick," he stammered. I panicked as I caught the scratchy dampness of tears in his voice.

_NO!_

My new world, the one with Jazz in it, came to a sudden lurch and crashed

…………..

I felt color drain from my face, and I was looking into a dark chasm that reeked of absolute desolation. I felt sick just standing in proximity of it, and I could feel my knees starting to buckle from the heavy weight pressing on my being.

" Alice?"

Emmett. His voice somehow managed to yank me back into reality and I was back at the venue of the party we were hosting for the designers.

I found my tongue. Pointless questions came out. I was on autopilot.

"When? When did he get sick?" I asked, tempering the despair bubbling inside me.

_Wasn't it just two days ago that we spoke? Didn't he say that everything as well? Did he lie? _

"Early yesterday morning.."

_Yesterday morning? _

"How…what happened? He said he was fine.." I whispered almost harshly, supplying Jasper's own words, as if it would change the story he was telling me now.

"He went into shock from an infection..they didn't see it coming..no one did.."

I heard a sob come from somewhere. My hand had begun shaking so badly that I had to hold the phone to my ear with both now.

_Sh..ock? Surely that wasn't so bad?_

If I didn't think the news would get any worst, it did and I wasn't prepared for it.

"Alice..it's not good… he's.. he's in coma,"

_NO!!! _

I screamed inside.

And then realized that I had vocalized my thought again when a few unkind eyes snapped towards my direction instantly. I couldn't give a damn what people were thinking of me right now.

My heart might as well just have stopped.

Until a few minutes ago, I hadn't realized that my world, make that my entire universe had changed its focus and purpose since I met him. If before it had been the pursuance of my dreams and ultimately career; in the last 4 months of having known Jasper, _No!_ – since I had seen him accidentally on the escalator that day, he had innocently slipped in and taken command of the center of my life, and the truth was I had let him in. It didn't matter that I was living in denial about it. It didn't matter that I had tried so hard to fight against the change that was inevitable. Here I thought I was a model for challenge and adventure. I'd been fighting against this because I had been too scared of stepping into something I couldn't control. What a stupid woman. I never had control. Never.

A few minutes ago, the wonderful bubble of a universe I had been comfortably nestled in for the last 4 months, had just imploded from the news I'd just received. Now I was just a scattered piece of meteor rock, floating in space aimlessly and without direction.

In all my 22 years, I had never felt so utterly lost and abandoned.

How he could make me feel like this without us having even met properly was beyond me.

He was my centre. That was the crux of it.

The thought of losing him now sent my heart careening down an endless chasm of the darkest despair. I cried without even meaning to.

"Alice…I'm sorry..for having to tell you this," Emmett's broken voice pulled me back again from my dark introspection.

"No....Thank..thank you for telling me, but I.. I must go," I blurted and hung up. I staggered backwards until I felt the wall come up from behind me. I leaned in for the support immediately, fearing I would soon collapse from the heavy weight still pressing in my chest.

I thought it was a wall.

"Alice?"

I turned around. It was James. He looked absolutely horrified to see me. I must look like a sodden raccoon now.

"Sweetheart what's wrong?" he asked and pulled me towards an empty chair.

"Jasper…" I whispered and promptly broke down again. He crouched beside me and rubbed my arm soothingly until I managed to semi compose myself.

"This is the boy you've been telling me about," he prompted. I nodded my head. Ever since I got to know him through this project, James and I had become tight friends. Sort of a BFF kind of thing. It helped that he was good looking, gay and had a mouth that would put the bitchiest bitch in shame. He was also a fashion freak, which I loved.

"He was fine when we spoke two days ago…" I started, and sniffed back the new tears that were threatening to stop me from telling him what had happened.

"What happened?" he asked, genuine concern lacing his question.

I felt my face crumple into tears as I told him what Emmett had just told me.

"What do I do??" I sobbed helplessly. He pulled me close but not close enough that I would ruin his expensive silk shirt. I didn't mind. _It was the thought that counted_.

On the one hand, I knew I should go to him. Right this very now. But I had this week long show on my hands. I couldn't just up and go, could I? Didyme would have my head. And she wouldn't know what to do anyhow if I just dumped this back at her. I couldn't do that.

"I..James…I think I … I..love him," I blurted out unexpectedly. I hadn't intended of saying that but it had come out anyhow. It was a revelation even to me.

His worried face eased into a tender one for a moment. His 'Ohhh..that's romantic' look. He squeezed my tiny hands with his big ones softly and tilted his head to me.

"Honey.. I think you know what to do.." he answered me confidently.

It took me a second to realize what he was saying. It was a no - brainer. Hadn't I just realized that Jasper was my center now? For the first time in about 20 minutes, I smiled a little.

I needed to get to my center. My world would be alright again as soon as I got to him.

_Jazz, I'm coming._

"Do you need a car?" He asked. I nodded. But I had to go find Dids first. I had to go and tell her at least.

"Do you know where Dids is?" I asked him. He pulled me up and dragged me past the throng of beautiful people gathered in there. We looked for Dids. It wasn't hard to find her. She was with Marcus. For a second, I nearly chickened out but James' firm push from behind thrust me right in front of them. I forgot about my raccoon eyes and mascara run cheeks. Didyme looked at me horrified.

"Alice..what happen to you?" she asked, coming close to me. I wasn't sure if it was out of concern for me or because I was presenting a very bad image of MDE right now. I left the question hanging.

"Dids.. I mean..Didyme....Er..Marcus.. Hi..uhm..I need to leave," I mumbled my words out quickly. It took them a second to register that I was going to abandon my post. Her lined eyes widened remarkably before they narrowed down at me menacingly.

"What do you mean leave? You can't leave this function…" she warned.

"I didn't just mean this function.. I meant the entire fucking show…I need to leave. I'm needed somewhere right now and I need to go. Now." I stated calmly.

"What the fuck Alice..you can't just decide to leave when you like, this is a responsibility!…..you've got work to do!" she hissed at me.

"I told you she was a liability," Marcus said snidely to me.

I looked at her pointedly and then at Marcus.

"Look..I… I apologize for doing this. I know it's not fair that I just abandon my post and expect you to know what to do for the rest of the week. After all, I have only been doing all of the planning and running here while you prattle nonsense with all your beautiful, fake little friends," I said calmly, grinning inwardly at the little note of sarcasm I had injected there for her special attention.

"So in all fairness, I should not expect you to understand my reasons for wanting to leave now, nor do I want to bother explaining it to you. You will have my resignation on email tomorrow." I told her deadpanned.

Her face, even with the thick cake of makeup on turned a few shades of ugly. She looked just about ready to eat me alive. I very nearly ran for my life. But I had one last jibe to make. I might as well, if my future with MDE was over.

"And Marcus...Gianna?!" I raised a disappointed eyebrow at him for his poor choice of a candidate. He looked absolutely mortified suddenly. Instantly the gears in my head cranked into action and it dawned on me that he had taken my statement in a totally different context.

_I knew it!! The skank and him had a little roll in the hay was it??_

"That slut.." he growled under his breath angrily. If I was shocked that the idiot just signed his own death sentence, I kept quiet.

The realization on his face was priceless. I couldn't stop the little grin of triumph on my face then. Payback was sometimes too sweet.

I giggled as I saw him cower positively under Didyme's glaring eyes then.

I turned my back to them, at MDE and bounced my way back to James's awaiting, stretched out hand. We ran for the exit.

"You can't leave the party, it's for you," I moaned as he took me to the awaiting car.

"I wouldn't leave it even if the world crashed down.." He twinkled. I laughed. Of course, he must have found a mouse to snack on. I tut tutted him cheekily before we air kissed and I thanked him profusely again for helping me out.

"Call me when you get there……and Alice, I'm sure he just got tired of waiting and decided to take a nap. Go and wake his sorry ass up," he cheered me on sweetly. I nodded and almost cried again at the mention of Jasper, even if it was his sorry ass. I got in the car and waved at him before directing the driver to drive me to the airport. I had some serious flying to do. James was right. I needed to go wake my Jasper up. He'd been waiting too long for me. I was coming for him. I just hope I wasn't too late.

***********

"I say forever starts now Jasper, what about you?" I said to him. We were sitting down on a carpeted floor somewhere, our backs leaning against a soft muted blue wall. He was stretched out on my right, in light distressed jeans and charcoal colored, zipped up, ribbed faux polo jersey. On his head was a warm looking gray beanie. He held my hand in his hands, on his lap. His eyes were closed for the moment. I could see he was contemplating on my question, by the way his eyes were moving under those lilac eyelids. He looked pale still, but there was radiance present on his face as well. The paleness of his countenance was probably still attributed to his illness but there was a tinge of rosy on his cheek and lips. He was definitely looking and feeling much better. I felt a sudden urge to want to taste his lips and the tip of his perfectly shaped nose. And maybe his eyelids too. And then his cheeks. And Ohhh..his jawline..and the little mound of flesh on his chin. And maybe graze the …beauty mark on the side of his face, right there just above the jawline

_Whooweee..are we getting hot here!!??_

I had to force myself to stay where I was. Planted my ass hard on the carpet floor.

Blue eyes opened and looked at me unexpectedly and I almost gasped at the sight. They were of sparkling mix of sea blue, the blue that you see right at the edge of a reef before it declined steeply into the deep. Light and dark swirling and dancing together; constantly changing with the light or maybe in his case, the emotion he was emoting at the moment. I couldn't help but be mesmerized by them. I realized instantly where I had been wrong all this time with regards to my dreams and his eyes. It wasn't so much the actual color of his eyes that were the darkest blue as I had thought it to be, but more so it was the feeling behind the blue of his eyes that affected the color shining through those beautiful expressive orbs of his. And right now, they were the deep, dark blue color I'd seen in my dreams many years ago, now glistening slightly with unshed tears.

"I could live with that Alice," he murmured so softly, his voice was barely audible. He looked so vulnerable and yet so beautiful just then. An angel, come down from the heavens, and made flesh. The silence between us was golden.

I hadn't wanted to spoil the "moment" we were obviously having but I couldn't hold the grin that was tugging on my lips much longer. He let out a deep ringing laugh when I finally gave up trying to hold it and broke out into a wide Cheshire cat grin.

"I'm sorry…this is so unromantic of me.." I blurted out apologetically, feeling my cheeks warming up slightly.

_Oh no.. I wasn't going to blush was I?_

He laughed a little more but made to squeeze my hand that he had been holding a little more firmly.

"You look adorable Sunshine..I'm not sorry," he said sincerely. I suddenly felt like sharing how I felt, how he was making me feel right this very moment.

"I..I'm so happy," I admitted. He cocked his head just slightly and looked at me almost endearingly, or maybe he was just contemplating again. Whatever it was that he was doing, it just made me 6 times more turned on. I wanted so much to kiss him suddenly. His lips were begging for me to kiss it. He was merely inches from my face as it were. But I knew it was probably not quite safe yet for us to be trading spit at the moment. Who knew what kind of germs I was carrying.

_If we were in my head right now, I'd have devoured him already._

_Okay, maybe that was too strong a word. _

_I'd have..I'd have claimed those succulent pink lips between mine and sucked on them like there was no tomorrow._

"Alice,"

The closeness of his voice nearly made me jump out of my skin. I almost gasped when I realized how close his face had come up to mine now. _How in the hell did he come so close?!._..like…like he was about to kiss me!!!

_Oh God.._

"Jas..Jasper…what are you doing?" I whispered almost breathlessly, my entire body starting to tremble in not so a minuscule proportion in reaction to the painfully close proximity to his body, which had mirrored mine now. My mind was going off in 6 directions at once it seemed.

"Shhhh….I just…want to kiss you," he whispered then, slightly puckered mouth enunciating every word, and emotive blue eyes peering deeply into mine, as if seeking for permission silently. If it had been someone else looking into my eyes the way he was doing now, I would have probably freaked out. _There was such a thing as personal space and I was aggressive about mine. _

Much had been said about the eyes as being a window to one's soul. His was the doorway to his being.

His gaze, his gaze was so penetrating and so open, I could feel, I could actually feel the emotion swirling behind them. Need. Fear. Worry. Acceptance. Courage. Love. Hope.

I melted. Chocolate on a hot fondue.

"But..but..but.." the annoying 'Reason' in me started on spit and germs again.

His cool soft lips silenced me.

_Okay. He won. I shut up now._ 'Reason' conceded happily. I giggled silently.

He tasted like mulled wine. A deep, rich spicy, fruity and sweet taste. His kiss was soft and hard at the same time, it was warm, loving, and it was urgent. I knew we were merely kissing but it felt like we were actually in the throes of gentle lovemaking under a balmy Spanish sun. There was not an inch of me that did not tingle with electricity. I was buzzing.

Our kiss ended just as quickly as it had begun it seemed and I was left wanting more.

"Mmmmm…" I murmured dazedly, still cocooned in my electrically charged blanket of warmth.

"Mmmmm.." He responded just as dazedly and smiled at me.

Something inside me stirred as I looked at him now. Something begging to be said and acknowledged.

"Jasper?" I called to him.

" Hmmm???"

" I think …I think I'm in love with you," I whispered. I didn't care now if he was going to return it or not, but I wanted him to know it anyway. Just because.

"You think?" he asked a little teasingly, a curious eyebrow cocked up at me, a non judgmental smile on the lips I had just tasted.

I grinned. Never a dull moment with Jasper around, I thought absently.

"I know.." I corrected myself.

He leaned in closer then and unexpectedly again, because I wasn't expecting his move, he reached to hold the side of my head with both his hands and nudged the tip of his nose against mine. Like a puppy smelling its owner, acknowledging the unconditional love between them.

He captured my lips quickly for another chaste kiss before he spoke, his hands still wrapped around my head, in my hair, fingers flexing gently against my scalp.

"I'm glad to hear that Alice…I've been in love with you for some time," he admitted softly to me. His face was radiant and his blue eyes beaming with the very feelings he had just told me of. I knew for sure that I mirrored his.

My heart soared. I was Icarus with a brand new set of wings.

I never knew that love could make one feel as free as this.

……..

...............

.....................

..................

I stood alone now in front of his new place of resting. They had just laid him to rest. At least he was no longer in pain. I should have found some measure of peace in that.

But I felt no peace. Instead I was hollow. Between feeling pain and feeling this utter void inside me, I'd take pain any day. At least with that I could feel.

3 weeks. When it could have been months, a year. Who knew how things could have turned out then. I should have listened to what the lady told me.

Instead…instead…

Why did it take me so long to act on my feelings?

My eyes skimmed over the inscription on the marble stone with an angel statue engraved over its flat surface again, committing them to memory. It was all I had left of him.

Jasper Cullen

1986 – 2009

Beloved Son, Brother, Friend

Rain. I was quickly getting wet now but I couldn't care less. What harm could rain do to something that was already dead inside?

I fell down on my knees screaming my lungs out, my whole body shaking from the cold, from the anguish that now filled my entire being. The heavens must have taken pity on me because suddenly the rain started pelting down harder, hitting me and the ground below me with wanton frenzy.

I was nothing without my compass.

Utterly lost.

*******

"Miss.. miss, wake up.."

"Love..you, don't..Jasp.."

"Sweetie, I need you to wake up…..we're landing in 10," the stranger said again and shook my shoulder. I jolted awake finally and hurriedly straightened my seat, mumbling incoherent apologies to her for keeping her.

"Are you okay?" she asked me kindly. My hand instinctively went up to my cheek and I could feel that it was wet yet again. I had been crying in my exhausted sleep.

_Bad dream. It was a bad dream._

"Can I get you anything?" the attendant asked me again.

"Uh..I'm ..o..kay," I whispered. Her kind question made me think of Jasper somehow and I felt another wave of tears coming. She pushed a packet of tissue into my hand and squeezed my shoulder lightly.

"Whoever it is, he's a lucky man," she whispered to me sweetly then before leaving me to attend to myself. I just about burst into more tears.

_He needs more than just luck right now. _

………

_Jazz, I'm coming. I hope you're listening wherever you are._

_I'm coming…_

_Wait for me, I'm coming._

********

_July 12, 6 pm ( Milan 13 July, 3 am)_

By the time I arrived at Seattle airport, I had been in transit for over 30 hours non-stop and landed in 4 different airports in three different countries. I had probably maxed out on my credit cards, having to go first or business class on most of my flights because they were the only ones available on such short notice. I didn't care. The only thing in my mind was to get to Jasper, pronto. I saw a scary looking tiny woman looking back at me when I passed by a shiny silver paneled wall on the way to the arrivals gate. Her short black jet mane in total disarray, smudgy black eyeliners around her puffy gray eyes, tear - stained cheeks streaked with faint traces of mascara, swollen red lips from all the biting and crying. I ignored her and marched on. I bypassed the throng of people hovering at the baggage claims area and ran all the way towards the exit to where the cabs were, ignoring the odd looks I was getting from passersby and airport floor staff.

_Almost there. I 'm almost there. Jazz._

"SCCA please, hurry," I told the cab driver.

I arrived at the center at a quarter to 7. I never thought I'd arrive. 16 weeks later.

I ran to the receptionist like there was no tomorrow.

"ICU?" I asked. She gave me a once over, probably due to the state of unkempt I was in right now, but maybe that helped because she directed me immediately and even looked apologetic to me.

"Keep strong my dear," she told me kindly before I ran for the lift. I didn't know if it was because I was running low on adrenaline now, or if I was scared of the prospect of seeing Jasper in whatever condition he was in, but my heart was hammering in my chest as I stood quietly in the lift as it took me to the floor I needed to be.

_Couldn't this freaking box go any faster? _I wailed silently. I heard a snicker from behind me. _Oh bother._

After what seemed like ages, the lift finally stopped on the floor I wanted to be on. I stepped out, and stilled my frantic heart.

_Jazz.. I'm here. I'm here._

********

....

.....

......

**JPOV**

I opened my eyes. The harsh light seemed a tad muted now. They didn't hurt as much as before.

_Oh Good._

_Hang on, before when? When was I last awake? Was it with Edward?_

It bothered me a little that my mind was still muddled as before.

Mom was sitting on the chair beside me; her head bent down as if in prayer. She had probably fallen asleep while watching over me. I felt a pang of guilt settle heavily in my chest again. I had worried them again. How many times could they go through this before one or both of them caved in to the stress and anxiety? Just as I was about to wake her up, she stirred on her seat and her eyes flickered open slowly. Tired brown eyes looked down at me.

She looked so haggard, so beaten. I was so close to flying through this round with flying colors. How could I have been so presumptuous to think that the malice this disease bore for me had died down. I fell ill hours before I was supposed to be released.

"Hi honey," she whispered to me softly. A tired smile managed to appear on her tired face. I returned her smile warmly. She got up suddenly and leaned over to kiss me on my forehead and cheek. She felt warm and smelled like rosemary. I felt fresh tears drop on my face. Another stab of guilt hit me.

_Fuck. Why did I have to hurt her so bad?_

"Mom, "I whispered to her.

"I'm sorry baby..Oh God..look what I've done to you..I've made a mess," she blubbered, her face panicking slightly that she'd wet my face with her tears. Her fingers stroked my cheek immediately and she frantically wiped the dampness off my face.

"There..there, it's gone now," she muttered reassuringly once my face was clear of her expressed emotions. She seemed so shaky and tensed. Did she think I was mad at her for wetting my face?

"Shh…mom..it's okay, it's only tears," I said to her, smiling a little. She relaxed a little and made to sit again, her fingers still stroking my cheek. She smiled back at me and the crease on her forehead flattened out.

"Where's dad?" I asked, wondering where he was.

"Your dad.."

At the mention of him, her face seemed to crumple again. I felt a tinge of panic rise inside me. My earlier concern about one of them finally caving in to the stress of watching over me whenever I got ill with fever ran aground in my head. What was wrong with dad? I asked frantically.

"He's fine now honey.. he..he just got a little anxious..anxiety attack....but he's okay now. He's resting. It's just stress. He's okay, " she murmured gently. Even so, her eyes watered again.

"He wants to come and see you..you know that right?" she sniffed again. _Oh God. Why would I get slighted by a little thing like that? If dad was resting, he needed it. I would see him soon enough._

"Mom…please, it's okay.. I understand.. I'm not mad… please stop crying..God I can't bear seeing you like this.." I blurted, feeling my own eyes start to water. I must have fallen very ill this time around to have caused such anguish in them, to have made dad get anxiety attack. Her face, her face bore the same look as it did when I had first told them about my illness. A tear escaped my eyes.

"I know you'd understand. Oh sweetheart, I love you. I love you." She reached over me again and whispered to me.

"Promise me you'll fight Jasper. You'll fight...You have to fight this,"

She was worrying me a little. Obviously I was not out of the woods yet. The infection was still coursing through me. But I wanted her to know that I felt much better than earlier.

"I promise mom, please..please stop crying," I pleaded. Her face seemed to constrict further and she gripped the blanket covering me tightly, and her voice turned a little demanding.

"You can't leave us, do you hear?" she demanded desperately, fresh tears running down her cheeks once more.

"You have to promise me," she begged, she was lost in her anguish.

"Mom…" I implored, calling her back to me.

She seemed to have heard me because her grip on my blanket loosened and her face relaxed slightly again.

"I promise. I promise.. I'm not going anywhere" I croaked.

"You can't leave me sweetheart. I can't lose you, none of us can…your brothers...God they look so heartbroken, Edward..Edward think it's his fault... they won't cope with this... you, you can't leave us," she sobbed helplessly to me. She looked liked she had lost all hope.

At that moment I wanted so much to just get up and wrap her tiny self in my arms and rock her anguish and worry and sorrow away. But I was still so weak from the fever and infection that had swept over me on Thursday night or was it Friday morning, I wasn't quite sure. I could barely move my head or my mouth as it were. My words would have to suffice for now.

I looked at her eyes intently, sending feelings of reassurance through my own and willing her to feel it.

"Mom, I swear to you I am not going to leave anyone. I'm here. I'm still fighting. I'm not going out yet. Believe you me, I am not going out... I still have Alice to woo.." I said to her, smiling a little at my tiny addition of wooing Alice in my statement. She seemed to have taken bait at the Alice statement, because her face lightened just a little. If I had hoped that she would stay cheered after my reassurance, I was wrong. Her feelings seemed to see saw from one minute to the next.

"I love you sweetheart," she murmured and then started crying again. My heart was literally breaking at this point. Why was she so distraught? I was okay now. Okay, I was not okay yet, but I was getting there. Slowly but surely. Didn't she have faith in me anymore?

"I love you mom." I sobbed back at her, even as I felt her tiny hands grab hold of my own and she planted a tender kiss on my palm before letting it cup her tear stained cheek. She seemed to be comforted by my hand resting on her cheek.

I smiled and made to squeeze her warm cheek with my fingers lightly. If she was comforted by that, I would give her that.

I frowned.

My hand.

_Something. Not. Right._

……………_.._

_I squeezed._

_Again._

Oh God. Why couldn't I move my hand?!! Panic bubbled from inside my chest exponentially fast. I looked at her alarmed. What happened to me?

"Mom?" I called frantically. She didn't seem to hear me now. I called for her attention again. The panic bubbling inside me finally boiled over and it sent my heart rate soaring above the ceiling because I could hear the machine monitoring my heart rate beeping loudly suddenly.

"Jasper??" Her eyes widened perceptibly suddenly as she looked at the beeping machine and back on me. Panic set in her tiny frame.

"Jasper!! Jasper!!!!" She yelled in panic and started going hysterical in front of my face, shaking my body with her curled fingers. She was beyond listening to me. I heard shuffling feet. I saw her shaking body pulling away from over my body. Hands grabbing her tiny body away roughly from my grasp.

"Let go of her you assholes!!!!" I screamed angrily as 2 men in green scrubs yanked her resisting body away from me, away from my sight.

_When did she put the mask on? The green gown?_

My head wasn't processing it. Any of it.

I kept screaming for her,

W_hy wasn't anyone listening!_

I saw with rising panic as faces covered in masks and hands closed in on me, touching me, manhandling my frozen, paralyzed body.

_Frozen. paralyzed. I couldn't move a thing._

The blanket yanked off of my chest roughly.

"Let go of me!!!!" I yelled above the din of the machine and yelling voices. Frenzied screams in the background. Mom? Edward?

"Let go of me!!!" I wailed now. My voice was getting weaker and weaker, the noise in the background was growing fainter and fainter.

_Why isn't anyone listening to me?! _I cried out desperately one last time.

"Charge to 200!"

"Clear!"

I felt the electric current surging through my body once before the sea of darkness swallowed me completely.

*************

**Edward POV**

"Mom....." I wrapped my arms around her tiny body and held her firmly in my embrace even as she tried to fight me; tried to pry herself away from me and run back into the room. I didn't want to think what was going through her mind right now, because she looked like a crazed woman, her eyes were wild and her face tormented, as if a dark dream had realized itself before her very eyes.

He was in cardiac arrest.

My own strangled sob came out as I watched his lifeless body jerk up even as they hit the charged paddles on his exposed chest.

_Again. and Again._

She screamed for him again, and clawed towards the door yet again. For a tiny woman, she had strength. I had to subdue her strongly with my own.

I cried to her again, tried calling her mind back to me, as I yanked her away from the sight. She yelled at me to let her go. I ignored her cries for once and pulled her away. She did not need to see this. I did not want to see it. I pulled her as far away as I could manage without losing sight of Jasper's door before collapsing on the floor, my arms still locked around her body from behind. She was broken. Fallen apart. I wasn't quite far. I called her lost mind back to me, pressing my own tear stained face against the side of her face. She was so lost in her anguish.

" Mom, please…" I begged even as I rocked her body in my embrace.

"Jasper…my baby…my baby…" she kept on crying.

I did not hear Emmett and Rosie and Bella running towards us, until I saw Emmett's burly size skidding down to stop in front of me.

"Edward???!" Panic written all over his face as he looked at me and mom. I was too distraught to say anything, and mom was still lost in her own cries. He ran towards Jasper's room, Rosalie and Bella hot on his heels. I saw him crumple in front of the window moments later, hands running up to cover his face; and Rosalie crumpling behind him. Bella stood frozen by the window. Her face shattered, her own hands grasping at her mouth, her slender frame shaking visibly as she watched the nightmare that was still taking place in Jasper's room.

" Jas..Jasper?"

A new voice from behind me pulled my attention away from the heartbreaking sight of my entire family breaking apart.

A disheveled looking girl - woman, mascara run raccoon eyes set against alabaster white cheeks looked at me distraught, her tiny shoulders rigid with unknown fear.

Alice?

_He told me she liked him. He had been so happy when he told me that. _

I struggled for a breath, a fresh wave of pain tided over me again as an image of Jasper's grinning, happy face flashed in my head.

_My fault._

I saw her run towards Bella when I didn't answer her. Her body froze just as Bella's had been when she looked through the window into Jasper's room. Seconds later, I watched her face shatter into a zillion pieces and her tiny body quaked with tears even as she leaned against the window, fingers pressed tightly against the glass, as if trying to channel her very own essence through to save my brother's ebbing life.

If I had thought my heart could not shatter anymore, I was completely wrong. The shattering cry coming from her the very next second sent my own heart plummeting.

* * *

A/N: I am sure the filler before this was odd...but I think this chapter should explain its relevance.. honestly, I'm finding it hard to continue this and tempted to just kill J off, to save him the pain. My heart is plummeting like Edward's. ( gasp).

Please leave me your thoughts, your tears..

* * *


	28. Two Legs

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.

A/N: This is a filler for the in between days from Jasper's slip and him going into cardiac arrest.

Summary: Three legs make a tripod. How do the two legs take this grave news?

* * *

**Filler 9: Two Legs**

_July 11_

**_Emmett POV_**

"How're you doing?" I asked as I took the seat next to him. He was in one of his brooding moods again. He'd been sitting in the same position for the last 2 hours it seemed. I half wished there was a piano here somewhere, because if there was he'd be better playing it than sitting there like a statue, shutting everyone out. For as long as I could remember, playing music had been Edward's form of catharsis, the same way playing sport or a video game was mine, and writing had been Jasper's. He was in pain right now, that much I could see and he needed an outlet instead of boxing it all up inside him.

"What do you think?" He answered me somberly, not bothering to turn his head to look at me.

I thumped his hunched shoulder lightly then and couldn't help but flinch when he shrugged me off brusquely.

_Why is he__ getting angry now?_

I didn't like to use my big brother's card with either of my brothers often, but it seemed like a good time to deal the card then.

"Spill it Edward, what's wrong?" I charged. He ignored my inquiry.

Something must be really eating him up for him to ignore me completely. I tried a different approach.

"What the fuck is eating you up Eddie?"

He hated the nickname, and always got riled up easily whenever Jasper or I used it. His head turned to glare at me instantly. I almost smiled. My baby brother could be so predictable sometimes.

"Look – I'm guessing you're worried about Jas. But so are we all. Getting broody like this and shutting everyone out isn't going to help you deal with Jasper being.. his situation right now," I muttered, correcting myself in the last minute. The sulk on his face only got deeper.

"Who said anything about wanting to deal with it?' He said tersely. I looked at him incredulously.

He wasn't being serious was he? Was he drowning himself in self inflicted sorrow then? Was he feeling guilty about this still? Did he feel he deserved this? No one was blaming him!

"You're telling me you're flagellating yourself because of this? Stop with the self pity attitude Edward, it serves no one," I responded seriously.

His green eyes narrowed at me visibly and for a second I saw his irises turn pitch black. He stood up.

"Fuck off Emmett, I don't expect you to understand what I'm feeling, I didn't ask for your opinion or your help, so thanks for the crappy advice!" He hissed. My defenses shot up instantly and I jumped out of my seat and stood looking down at him menacingly, even if I was only 2 inches taller than he was.

"Fine Edward! If you end up like dad – don't expect any pity from me!" I hissed back and gave him my best glare.

_If he w__anted a face off, I'd give him a face off!_

We probably stood there staring daggers at each other for all of 10 seconds before I let up and huffed away, raking at my still very short hair.

"Shit Eddie – I can't stand these girlie fights okay, a fuckin face off? What are we – Bella Bear and Dragon Rosie?" I blurted out exasperatedly. I wasn't trying to be funny, he had put me in a tensed situation unwillingly and that always riled me up. It was a blessing in disguise though, he had obviously found it humorous, because he loosened up and let out a tiny chuckle moments later. I looked at him warily for a few seconds before returning his chuckle with my own. The tension between us a moment ago had dissipated as quickly as it had begun.

"And my name is Edward," he murmured pointedly. I rolled my eyes in silent response. We sat down again. Silence pervaded for a second.

"So..are you going to tell me what's really bothering you or do we have to go to round 2?" I asked again. He was reticent. I pushed once more.

"What's really wrong? You're still not blaming yourself for this are you?" I queried. Almost instantly, his posture slunk deeper.

"You're kidding right? Edward you know this isn't your fault anymore than it's ours. If anything, it's the nurse!" I stated, referring to the stand in nurse that had attended to Jasper the day Jane was off. She had been less than careful while dressing Jasper's wound and ended up introducing bacteria into his system.

He didn't seem convinced at all.

"Trust me, no one's blaming you.." I told him a little softer. I was wrong to assume that was the reason to his feeling bad.

"That really doesn't matter Emmett, that you don't think it's my fault, it doesn't make the fact any different. You weren't there okay? You didn't.. you didn't see him slip away.." He muttered in a tortured voice. His composed countenance slipped and glistening eyes looked at me. The grief in him was all too evident. I felt my own composed self crack with each crease forming between his eyebrows.

"Edward.."

"I was with him the whole day and night.. he told me about Alice.. he was so happy…" He smiled as he recounted the brief happy memory between them two days ago, back to me.

Then just as quickly his face darkened again.

"Seeing him on the floor curled up in pain like that was the last thing I expected that morning.."

"I should have noticed something..I should have checked him before I went to bed, when I woke up.. maybe..I don't know..I just felt I could have done something,"

"No one expected this Edward.. if dad had known, he wouldn't have gone home," I supplied him with reason.

When he looked at me again, I saw the horror of what went through on Friday morning playing Saturday matinee in his eyes, and I could have sworn I felt I was there myself.

"I was trying to warm him up, he said he was getting cold.... then he started getting confused.. it happened so quickly…I tried to keep him awake Emm... God I tried..but he slipped anyhow..," he murmured through clenched teeth.

"How can I not feel guilty when all I can see in my head now are his eyes when he started fading before me.. and how..how..he felt in my arms as he slipped away..." I cringed as I watched his face contort with untold pain.

"If he dies Emm... I don't think I can ever forgive myself.." He sobbed wretchedly as he covered his face with his palms.

I usually had an answer to everything. I was, after all the big brother. But I had nothing to comfort him with now. He was right, had I been in his place on Friday, I'd feel exactly the same way. All I could do was extend my hand and rub the space between his defeated, hunched shoulders while he cried his guilt silently.

************

"Hey Jas.. how you doing?"

I always greeted them playfully. It was my trademark. Big, bouncy, fun, playful Emmett. I didn't feel the least bit playful right now.

It had been two days now. He was still lying in coma. He looked so tiny and helpless suddenly with all the machines around him, that big tube on his mouth, forcing air into his lungs. He was still, even with the rise and fall of his chest. Too still. Like death had touched him somehow. I'd do anything to see a bit of movement from him right now; it would ease the nagging worry in me. I thought of Edward, of our heart to heart not too long ago. He'd gone to see dad on the second floor finally. Dad was still being kept for observation after he had had that anxiety attack yesterday evening. Edward was taking this really badly.

"You need to wake up Jas. Eddie's brooding again, and it's all your fault." I chuckled dryly and poked at his hand. Instantly I felt tears pooling at the corner of my eyes, and I gripped his lifeless hand tightly.

_Wasn't it last week that I had felt this very hand thump my shoulder when I came in for a visit?_

"I need you to wake up too Jas.. you can't just die.. not without saying goodbye..you hear me?" I whispered tearfully.

"The tripod can't stand without you.. you can't leave us, you can't.." I sobbed.

None of us were ready to face this. We hadn't even said proper goodbyes. If he died today..tomorrow, I couldn't imagine how the rest of us were going to survive the grief.

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Edward and Emmett want your tears please.

Do review. More reviews will get more chances of reviving Jasper.


	29. Hope is a Four Letter Word

Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.

A/N: My thanks to all the followers and esp you loyal reviewers of this story. The author is nothing without your lovin' notes at the end of every chapter.

Summary: Does Jasper survive his latest dance with death?

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**Chapter 20: Hope is ****a Four Letter Word**

_~what keeps us alive, what allows us to endure?_

_It is the hope of loving or being loved~_

_Meister Eckhart_

**_JPOV_**

_What's happening?_

_Am I dead?_

I staggered backwards as I watched with growing panic the flurry of activity happening right before my eyes. A team of doctors and nurses in masks working frantically on .. on..

_Me._

_Oh God. _

_NO!!! I'm not ready to die yet! Save me! Save Me!!_

"Jasper fuckin Cullen you had better not die!"– I screamed animalistically to the lifeless body on the bed even as they charged a third time. I fell on my knees, feeling the numbness taking over me swiftly.

Was this how death would feel like? You ... you just disappeared into nothing?

My vision dimmed, either that or the darkness was slowly enclosing me. What strength I had left seemed to slip away from me now. I was sinking into nothingness.

_No…I don't want to go.._

I begged. I cried. In my hazy vision, I saw them manually forcing air into my dead body. CPR. My heart must have stopped beating now.

_Please! No.. I'm no__t ready to go. My family… I haven't even said goodbye._

My frantic mind flitted to mom, and my odd conversation with her not too long ago. I thought of Dad, mom said he was sick now because of me. He had wanted to come see me. He hadn't seen me yet! My brothers - Emmett and Edward. I couldn't just leave them without a word! Edward would not forgive himself for this.

_Oh God! No! Please not yet!!_

I heard my name being wailed out. The sheer desolation apparent in her shrill cry shattered my very being.

_Alice??!_

I snapped my head towards the source beyond the door. An unfamiliar force surged inside me.

But the darkness was faster. It swallowed me and I felt myself being pulled under.

_NO!!!_

I screamed back in defiance.

I fought against the submerging current.

It pulled me back down.

I growled and pushed away from the over consuming feeling.

_I refuse!!_

I screamed and kicked back up.

I was pulled under again.

And again.

My strength was waning. I realized with dismay I would not be able to keep up with this much longer.

_Alice._

I thought of her voice.

Her tinkly laugh. Her natural perkiness.

The way she made me feel.

Warm. Light.

Hopeful. Loved.

With a burst of strength I didn't know I still possessed, I broke free from the sinking pull finally. I surged upwards.

A sudden burst of light hit me.

I gasped.

Strangled for a breath like a free diver who had been submerged underwater for a long while. I could feel my non cooperating lungs struggling desperately to suck in an intake of cleansing air.

I did not expect the next feeling that hit me in the next instant.

Pain!

Pain everywhere.

I screamed.

……

………

………………

………………………

*************

**_Emmett POV_**

I nearly died when she screamed.

"Jasper!!!" She wailed. The utter desolation in her voice shook me entirely.

I felt Rosie huddle even closer to me. I grabbed hold of her tightly as if she were a lifeboat.

I saw from the corner of my eyes Bella pull her away from the window. I saw her refuse her, but Bella was stronger, bigger than she was. She yanked her away and they fell in a heap on the floor a few feet from us.

There we were; what remained of us, 3 heaps of tangled limbs and broken souls on the ICU floor. I looked at Edward, and my heart broke anew. I had never seen him so crushed in my entire life. And mom, _Oh mom.. _she was not here anymore. Her eyes looked distant. Gone.

"Rosie…" I cried as I hugged her. She pushed her face deeper into my chest, her fingers grappling at my shirt so tightly, I feared it would tear any moment now. She was silent. Too silent. Not a peep from her yet. I pulled her away. Her eyes were shut, even if there were tears running down her cheeks. She was white. Her normally pouty lips pressed tightly into a line. She pushed her face into my chest again, her entire body was rigid and shaking. I would not press her now. I rubbed my hands down her back and cried for her.

Not a moment too soon, I saw – Alice, scrambling away from Bella back towards the door, Bella hot on her heels. My back was turned against the door that I couldn't see immediately what was happening. I turned slightly with Rosie still in my embrace, to see someone stepping out of the room finally.

How long had it been? 5 minutes? 10? An hour? It seemed hours had passed since we found mom and Edward on the floor.

My body quaked with fear when I saw it was Dr R. Did I dare look up his face? What would I see there if I did? What if he..what if Jasper was..dead? No! I couldn't entertain that thought. I wouldn't be able to handle it.

He shook his head at a pleading Alice and Bella.

_No!!!_

_***********__***_

**_Edward POV_**

My head snapped up when I saw movement coming out of Jasper's room, just as Alice scrambled away from Bella and ran towards the door. Bella followed suit.

Dr R.

He shook his head.

_No!_

Bella and Alice were hugging each other, crying uncontrollably now. I felt rising panic bubbling inside my chest. What the hell was happening?

"Mom.." I sobbed to her, wanting her to come back to me so I could get to them.

But she was catatonic. Unresponsive to me, even though her hand still gripped my arms tightly. I realized I couldn't leave her, although my heart was dying to know what the hell was happening now. The sight of Alice and Bella crying in each other's arms, Dr R's shaking his head was making my heart panic into ceiling proportions. But I couldn't leave her, broken as she was, so I continued to rock her body with me softly, hoping somehow the movement would bring her lost mind back to me, to here, soon.

_Emmett!_ I cried out silently.

He seemed to have read my mind and his face turned to look at me.

Anguish.

_No.._

Relief? Was that relief?

Bella ran to me. Her face streaking with tears. But at the same time, the first in days – a small smile.

"Be..lla???" I called shakily. Was I dreaming all of this? Had I lost my mind like mom that I was actually imagining the smile on Bella's face, or the relief on Emmett's?

"He's awake… he's awake.." she blurted through her tears as she skidded to a stop in front of us, practically threw herself down to her knees and flung her arms around mom and me, and bursting into another round of sobs.

I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

_The bastard! Scaring us like this!!_

I was so beside myself that I failed to realize that I had spoken my thoughts out loud. She almost fell on her ass at my sudden burst of outrage or whatever it was, that she started sobbing and laughing at the same time at me, her laugh coming out as snorts in between her hitched sobs.

I felt a big burden lift off my chest. I was relieved. Beyond relieved. I could kiss my brother if he'd let me. I didn't think I would survive another day of watching him lie so lifelessly like that. I didn't think I would have survived the grief and guilt if he had died.

I sought to allay mom's tortured mind at once. She was still lost somewhere inside as she barely registered the news we had just received from Bella. I pushed her hair off of her face gently and peered into her still anguished face.

"Mom…mom did you hear that?"

She looked at me a little dazedly. I could still feel tremors coursing through her small frame.

"Jasper's awake… he's going to be okay.." I spoke to her slowly, even as tears ran down in rivulets down my face. They were happy tears and I didn't care. I pushed her matted hair away from her face again and said the words to her again, slowly - so she could understand every word I was saying. Understanding flickered through her anguished mind slowly but surely.

"He's going to be okay mom…he's awake.." I sobbed to her.

"He is? He..is?" She said shakily. Her eyes looked at me almost disbelievingly.

Bella answered this time and rubbed soothing strokes down mom's shaking shoulder.

Her face broke again and she threw herself into my chest and cried anew. This time, I let her cry her anguish out. It was a cry of relief and she needed it badly. I felt Bella's own frame close on me from behind and she wrapped her arms around my shoulders tightly as we rocked mom's crying frame in my embrace.

My brother was awake. He was going to be okay. We were all going to be okay.

I could breathe again.

_I could finally breathe again._

Fresh tears ran down my face as the agony of the last three days finally overwhelmed me. I hugged mom even closer and cried my own anguish out, Bella never letting go as she rocked with me from behind.

************

**_Alice POV_**

I felt Bella yank me away from the window, as soon as I had cried out Jasper's name.

I didn't know what took over me; maybe it was the fact that they had stopped shocking him with the paddles and started to manually compress his chest. That and the seemingly frantic exchanges between the medical staff. That could only mean one thing, his condition had worsened. The feeling of utter despair I had felt back in Milan came back with a vengeance and I was still reeling from the horrible nightmare I had on the journey here.

Perhaps that had been the reason I screamed.

Or maybe I wanted him to know that I was here. I was here now. He could stop this act, because he'd done it. He made me come.

_Don't leave. I'm here. Please don't leave me._

I didn't know what I'd do if he died.

I had jumped hadn't I? Was it too late?

Tons of questions were running in my head like a broken marquee on a computer screen.

I saw someone coming out of the door, and I scrambled up towards him.

_Have Faith and Courage._

I looked into the worn out face. A silent pleading in my eyes. _Tell me he is alive…_

He started shaking his head and my mind started panicking.

_Faith. Have faith._

Then I saw the little smile appearing on his thin lips. He sighed.

"He..he's alive…he was awake briefly.." he said tiredly. Disbelief written on his face.

"I don't know what happened..but that boy is a fighter.." He murmured to Bella and me, reassuringly.

It was all I could do to throw my arms around Bella and we cried in each other's embrace at the good news.

My heart that was hammering from fear not too long ago was hammering in relief now.

He was alive. He was awake, however briefly. It was enough to hold the despair that had been hovering around my heart at bay.

My center was returned to me. Everything would be alright again.

I released Bella so she could go and tell the two who were sitting on the floor furthest away from us while I went to the other two closer to us.

"Alice?" He spoke, voice shaky and barely audible.

I recognized his voice. This was Emmett. I didn't know how much he had heard, but I sought to relay the wonderful news to them anyhow.

"He's going to be okay," I whispered shakily and wrapped my arms around them. His one hand came round to clutch my tiny arm as I rested my head against his cropped head.

"Rosie..you heard that, Jasper's going to be okay.." he whispered to the blonde wrapped tightly in his embrace. I heard her sobs arriving just then. Her breathing was hitched, her sobs long drawn, each one filled with a kind of torture and relief. It wasn't long before Emmett's own body started shaking and his own tears started falling. I clung to them tighter still as my own feeling of relief came raining down.

*****************

**_Bella POV_**

We were allowed to go in and see Jasper an hour after they had successfully resuscitated him. I didn't want to think of the scene all 6 of us had made on the ICU floor during the period he had stopped breathing, much less the thought that had been running in my head during that time.

Watching Jasper's lifeless body jerk up with each surge of electric current they put through him was the worst nightmare I had seen in my life. I had never felt so hopeless in my 23 years, seeing him like that and not being able to help.

Edward was right to call him a bastard. I would kill him myself when he was all better. His latest stunt probably cost me a 100 gray hairs by now.

I went in after Edward. I could have gone in with him, but I knew he wanted this moment alone with Jasper. He had been through so much in the last 3 days. He had been the one to watch him slip away on Friday morning and had been carrying the guilt since then even though everyone had told him that it wasn't his fault. He looked a lot less agonized when he came out. I asked him quietly if he was okay and he nodded, a little smile appearing on his haggard face. We shared a quick kiss before I took my cue and went in.

If I had thought my tears had run out, I was wrong. I started crying the moment I sat down and took note of my best friend's countenance.

He didn't have the breathing tube shoved into his throat anymore, but he was still wearing a mask. Dr R told us that he was still not out of the woods yet, but at least he was no longer in coma. He was now merely unconscious.

"Hey Jazz.." I called to him softly, and leaned over to give him a light hug. I could instantly feel the waterworks starting their new round.

"You scared everyone…" I mumbled pointlessly as I pressed my hand into his. It was still cold.

"When you get better, I will personally kill you for this," I blurted out jokingly and wiped my cheeks dry.

"I missed talking to you..you need to wake up and get better quick, ok champ?'

_What was I expecting? Him to just open his eyes and say hi?_

_Yes. If that could be done. Yes. _

"Alice is here… she looks... horrible. I've never seen her look so... unkempt. You certainly did a number to her Jazz....I swear to God, I think she loves you. Who else flies thousands of miles on a spur, on first class? She maxed out her credit card for you, just so you know…she never ever does that. Unless your name was Prada or Dior. And your name isn't either. I'm glad she's here though. It's bloody time you guys get your telephone romance up a notch and make it real. Even if you refuse to acknowledge it, or she for that matter. Don't worry, between your mom, Rosie and me – we'll sort you out in no time.." I rambled on to him, imagining for a second that he was already awake and listening to me interestedly. When he didn't respond on his cue, I nearly cried again.

He had scared me. The culmination of the last three days of torturous waiting - the nightmare I had witnessed not 2 hours ago made something very clear to me. I had made a promise to him weeks ago. I didn't think I could have delivered the promise if ..if he had not made it today. I was just as broken as they were.

"Jasper, I don't know if you're listening, I hope you are somehow, but you need to get better okay? I can't.. you just have to promise me you'll not give up on us..I need you to wake up and just get better..I can't..I don't think I can do what you asked me to..I just can't,"

I pulled the chair closer to his bed and laid my head on the side of his leg and held his hand tightly; my silent tears wetting the blanket that was covering him.

Maybe I had been imagining it, but I thought I felt a tiny prick of a squeeze on the hand I'd been holding moments later.

_He heard. _

"I love you Jazz, come back to us soon, " I whispered back and smiled. Silently, somehow I knew it was his gesture to tell me he was going to be okay.

************

**_Rosalie POV_**

I went in with Emmett. Ever since we received the call from Edward three days ago, I'd been emotionally distant. Only because I was scared. Scared of losing him a second time around. We hadn't even begun to resolve our history yet. I told him it could wait until he was better. I really did mean that. But that didn't mean that I would continue treating him as Emmett's brother and not mine. Whether he believed it or not, I knew for sure he was Benjamin. I'd been given a chance to redeem myself 20 years later, and the thought of having that chance ripped off of my hands, before I could correct my mistake – I just, I couldn't deal with it.

"Is he really going to be okay?" I asked Emmett timidly. He nodded his head assuredly. I knew he was just as shaken as I was, and I almost felt bad that I had to add to his misery. As if reading my thoughts, he pulled me in to his side quickly for a side hug, and I felt his lips land on my hair. I murmured a quick thanks to him. He greeted Jasper in the playful way he normally did, but I could see he was struggling to keep it together. The way his forehead creased just slightly, the way his eyes glistened against the fluorescent light. I reached out for his hand immediately and linked my fingers to his, hoping it would give him some measure of strength or at the very least comfort. Keeping my hand linked to his, I leaned over to run my other hand over Jasper's temple. He looked so weak still, and I was almost overcome by my emotion again. I bent down to give him a light kiss on the forehead.

_Get better soon bab__y brother, we're all waiting for you._

We left Jasper to rest after spending 15 minutes with him. Esme had gone in again afterwards. Before she went in again, now with a pale looking Carlisle beside her, I stopped her briefly and gave her a tight hug. She melted in my embrace immediately. Somehow, I felt as if we shared something similar in our past. She hadn't told me anything, but from the way she broke apart when Jasper had gone into cardiac arrest, I had a feeling she might have lost someone in the past too. Whether it was along similar lines as mine, I wasn't sure though.

"He's going to be fine soon Esme.." I murmured to her gently. Tears marred her beautiful heart shaped face again. She thanked me, Carlisle thanked me as well before they went inside.

"Let's go join the others babe," Emmett murmured to my hair. I let him pull me towards their relaxed selves on the seating area outside. Edward was finally stretched out on the long couch, he looked much better now. Haggard and tired looking, but the light was back in his face somewhat. Bella was sitting on the carpeted floor in front of Edward's teasing hand, his fingers playing with her brunette locks. He probably found comfort in doing that. Bella was talking to the newcomer Alice; chatting to her while she was busy working on a crossword puzzle on a magazine at the same time. Alice was talking animatedly to the two of them. This was Jasper's telephone romance? His crush? Potential love interest? She seemed highly spirited. Bubbly. And very pretty. Even if she was super tiny. If she flew all the way here to be with Jazz, she obviously had serious feelings for him. I didn't know about Jazz's brothers, but his sister would definitely approve. I smiled at them as we approached.

"What's a four letter word for a thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without a word and never stops at all..by Emily Dickinson? Anyone?" Bella asked out loud as she bit the end of her pen.

"Love?" Alice suggested. She shook her head at Alice.

A smile appeared on Edward's lips.

"Hope." He said softly.

The round of grin that broke on everyone's faces somehow told me that we each understood the loaded meaning behind his cheerful smile.

All of us, Jasper included, had gone through some of the darkest moments of our lives the last few days. In our darkest moment of despair yet, one thing clung on and saved us all.

Hope it was.

* * *

A/N: Everyone can rest a little easy now....Jasper fights on!!!

Jasper would like to thank the the loyal reviewers who have spurred him on to continue fighting!!!You know who you are guys. You rock!


	30. A Father's Heartache

Disclaimer: SM owns the original Cullens.

A/N: So Carlisle has been pretty much left out of the 'Jasper's scare'. This is my attempt to include him in, he is after all the father ( oh wow..just by the way, Peter Facinelli looked so fine as Carlisle in the recent New moon clips...damn. He is exactly the Carlisle I am writing here...hehehehe)

Just so you guys know, I've started a new story.( ok..sorry for using this as a marketing blurb..) Started out as a one shot, but might change. It's called **When words aren't enough** – rated MA - yep it's a smutty one. Thanks in part to all the fantastic smut I've been reading in FF and the major angst of tripod. I needed an outlet (splutter. splutter). Please review and tell me if I have any hope in writing smut or I should just can it!

Summary: Carlisle POV

* * *

**Chapter 21: A Father's Heartache.**

**_Carlisle POV_**

My heart constricted when Dr Rodriguez – Stephen, recounted the drama that had unfolded on the ICU floor just over an hour ago, involving none other than my son Jasper.

Shock was putting it mildly. I supposed I could understand why Esme didn't bother saying anything or that no one bothered to let me know. They were probably worried that I might actually end up having a heart attack with this news.

_My son had been in cardiac arrest?!!_

I looked at Esme frantically and saw tears in her eyes. No wonder she had been so out of sorts when she came in 5 minutes before Dr Rodriguez dropped by.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked Esme, not bothering to hide the distress in my voice, my hand reaching for her immediately. I pulled her into my chest. The horror she must have gone through and I had not been there for her!

She burst into tears in my embrace.

_Oh my love._ I kissed the top of her head and squeezed her shaking shoulders with my hand before it went between her shoulders to stroke her gently. I could only imagine her state during those awful minutes. Who had been there for her?

"I am so sorry honey," I murmured to her softly as I shot Stephen an apologetic look. He waved his hands to tell me it was okay, and I took the opportunity to calm my wife. A short while later, she managed to recover herself and she pulled away from me minutely and apologized to Stephen for interrupting the conversation and breaking down in front of him. I did not relinquish my hold on her.

"How..how is he now?"

"He's better, strangely enough. He's woken from the coma somehow." He said a little perplexedly. The look of surprise and shock somewhat was evident on his face.

"You seem perturbed or something," I prompted.

"Not..not perturbed, perhaps shocked but not necessarily in a bad way," he supplied and sought to explain further.

"We had been giving him CPR for about 5 minutes.."

If I had flinched from the statement, it was a subtle one because Esme did not notice it. 5 minutes? Was there any danger of brain damage? I wanted to throw the question at Stephen immediately but held my tongue owing to Esme's presence. She didn't need more worries added to her already burgeoning plate. I would speak to him soon enough.

"I was so close to calling it," he said apologetically, and I felt Esme's grip on my arm tighten immediately. I was grateful for it because I clung to it myself as if it was dear life. _Had we been that close to burying our son??_ The thought was enough to make my heart twist tightly inside my ribcage. I could feel the edges of my eyes water and I drew a long shaky breath to still myself.

"Then he gasped awake and screamed ... shocked the hell out of everyone..it was nothing short of a miracle..I..I haven't seen anything like it yet," he explained, looking a little stupefied.

"We stabilized him. In the last hour, he's somewhat recovered his breathing and Dr Fletcher, the intensivist," he paused momentarily and looked at me for confirmation that I knew who he was talking of. At my nod he continued.

"He thought it would be good to remove the ET and just put him on a mask. We don't want to risk exposing him to more bacteria." I understood what he meant. While the ET helped Jasper breathe when his lungs weren't really coping, there was always a risk of introducing bacteria into his already taxed system from the tube itself, not to mention further complications that could arise if he aspirated his gastric juices via the tube. Complications we needn't worry about now.

"So he's out of the coma, you said?" I asked again, wanting confirmation. He nodded. I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest. That was indeed good news. At least, we had some measure of control returned to us instead of just waiting like sitting ducks as we had been the last three days that he was in coma. I couldn't help but agree with Stephen about it being a miracle. I didn't expect Jasper to wake up anytime soon. When I called Edward halfway through our drive to Seattle from home, and he delivered the news that he had fallen into coma, I had to stop the car for 10 minutes at least to calm myself down. Esme fell apart. Between trying to calm her and myself as we hurried on to the center, I supposed it was all the stress my heart could take. I still couldn't believe that it was me who had the anxiety attack and not Esme. She was the one who seemed to fall apart every time, and yet that very evening after I had gone out of Jasper's room, I was the one who went down. Esme was hysterical; as if she needed any more drama in her life. And Edward, I couldn't even begin to explain the look on his face. Guilt. Terrible guilt. I knew he was blaming himself on Jasper's situation, and my falling sick had only added to that. For the three days that I was stuck in this stupid ward, excepting the time I was admitted, he had only come down to see me late yesterday evening. I had a feeling his brother had something to do with him finally coming to see me yesterday.

"I'm sorry dad," he'd said to me in that heartbreaking tone I had only heard again a few times in recent months. No word of comfort I could say could bring him out of his self inflicted pain. I knew that much. He had cried quietly that evening as he sat on the chair next to my bed, head buried on his hands, shoulders hunched forward, defeated. I held him for the longest time, and with each hitched and barely audible sob that he drew, pain blossomed in my heart.

If Jasper had died today, I would have lost another. Perhaps not physically, but Edward would have not survived the grief that would have come with his brother's death. I was sure of that.

_Thank God, someone heard our prayer__._

I returned to Stephen. "What about the infection?" I asked again. His face turned serious once more.

"It's still in his system unfortunately. We're managing it with antibiotics. I'm just worried about the added stress to his liver right now.. we might have to put off the last round a little further than scheduled."

I neglected to think of that. New concern bloomed. Before I could address this new concern though, he continued with his report,

"There's still a lot of edema on his lower extremities. We're keeping close watch of that. Hopefully as the week progresses, the swelling will start coming down." He supplied forthcomingly.

Due to the lack of circulation in his body, and owing to the massive fluid therapy he was receiving in order to get his blood pressure up, Jasper's skinny frame had ballooned to almost his old weight in a matter of hours, the only difference being that this time his body was painfully swollen instead of looking healthy and filled out. His feet were seriously swollen the last time I looked. I threw caution to the wind. We've had a spell of bad news the last three days, I prayed good news would prevail and stayed with us for the rest of his stay here.

"When do you get released?"

I smiled. A tiny piece of good news that I could offer at least.

"Actually now." I responded in relief. I couldn't wait to get out of this ward and go up to the ICU floor. I felt horrible for having fallen sick at the worst possible time. Admittedly it was a sign telling me I obviously wasn't coping with the stress as well as I thought. I was just glad that it was anxiety and not the big one. I didn't think anyone, me included could afford to handle 2 medical traumas in one go. We were barely managing with one as it were.

"Well, that's good news Cullen. I'm glad you're okay.." He spoke, patting my shoulder. I thanked him, but somehow the news about Jasper having had cardiac arrest still bugged me.

"For what it's worth Carlisle, Esme, you have a real fighter there in Jasper. Today just proved that. It hasn't been easy for him, but I have a good feeling he will see through this just fine."

I grinned. "He's a Cullen, what did you expect?" I responded smugly, albeit teasingly. My heart lifted just a little when I heard Esme finally contributing to our little discussion. She gave off a tiny little snort at my smug comment. Stephen laughed.

"Ohh, I've heard about the Cullen hotheadedness.." he chuckled. He was of course referring to Morris, my old college mate who referred him to us right at the beginning.

"For once, I am glad that he is as stubborn as his dad." Esme chirped, joining the banter finally. I laughed now. It was wonderful to hear the lightness was coming back into her voice, and I was grateful for it.

Stephen – Dr R, left us finally and I took the moment to hug Esme quickly again. When I pulled away, I lifted her chin with my finger and looked apologetically into her sad brown eyes.

"I am so sorry I wasn't there Esme," I said sincerely. She seemed to have finally calmed down and I was glad that our conversation with Stephen had ended on a positive note. We needed it, more importantly, she needed it. She shook her head, indicating to me silently that she did not hold it against me. I pulled her just the same and kissed her full on the lips.

"Ti amo," I whispered to her hair as we hugged again. I heard her own murmured response in my chest seconds later.

"Come let's go, your son needs your attention," she instructed me not a moment too soon. I grabbed hold of my overnight bag and took her hand in mine.

"Yes ma'am," I responded teasingly. She shook her head and pulled me closer to her as we walked out of the door and headed towards the lift.

_************_

We saw Edward, Bella and another girl lounging in the waiting area outside the main ICU unit. From the way they were bantering, you wouldn't have guessed that they had just gone through a tough moment not two hours ago, unless of course you saw their faces.

"Hey dad," Edward called when he saw us. He pulled himself up from his lazy position on the couch, I came forward and we pulled each other into a hug.

"You look terrible," I stated as I took in his countenance. There was no need to lie. His face was a little pale, his eyes almost bloodshot. He chuckled. I felt relieved. If he could take a comment lightly, he was okay.

"Yeah, well – Jas is going to get a spanking when he wakes up," he joked. Bella gasped. I ignored the innuendo there, whatever it was. Esme smiled and shook her head again.

"You don't look too good yourself," he threw the statement back at me, his eyebrow cocking up a little in concern. I knew I probably did look a little pale still but I was definitely feeling a lot better. And I would be much better once I saw Jasper.

"I look worse than I feel… I promise," I reassured him. He took my word. Bella bounced forward and hugged me next.

"Glad you're feeling better Carlisle," she muttered looking up at me. I saw genuine concern in her face and I smiled in return. It was the new girl next and she stood looking at me with an unsure look on her face. She looked terrible as well. _Who was she?_

Esme answered my question soon after.

"Honey, this is Alice." She introduced. Alice came forward and extended her hand to me.

I gave Esme a side glance filled with surprise_. Álice? Jasper's telephone Alice?_ I could see the little laugh forming on her face and she held it in.

I was a little more than surprised to find her here. And..and..she was so tiny! She couldn't be more than 5 foot. She was probably shorter because she barely reached my shoulder. It was hard to imagine Jasper being turned into putty by a tiny elfin like her. She looked liked Thumbelina. Even the way her face lit up made her look like an elfin. A Wood Sprite.

"Hello Alice, I'm Carlisle..Jasper's dad," I introduced myself and shook her tiny hand.

"It's wonderful to finally meet you. We've heard so much," I mentioned. She colored a little.

"Nothing bad..don't worry," I added in quickly, smiling at her. Her smile was warm and beautiful.

"Pleasure's mine Carlisle, I am glad you're feeling better," she answered me. She had a very tinkly voice but there was firmness in there as well. I thanked her for her well wishes.

"Well, I'm sure we will have time to speak later Alice.. but I think we should go in and see Jasper first," I made to move shortly after, Esme coming up close to me. Alice nodded in agreement. We left the kids and headed towards our earlier destination again.

When we passed through the ICU doors, Esme spoke to me.

"You couldn't have been less obvious with that surprise look on your face hey honey?" she asked me teasingly. She was talking about my initial response to seeing Alice, of course. I chuckled.

"Not ..in a bad way sweetheart.. She's very pretty and I'm sure a very nice person. I just never imagined Jasper for someone with a liking for tiny…girls.

She swatted my shoulder in disagreement?

"Our son is 6'3", how tall is she?" I prompted lightly. My wife was 5'6" to my 6'1 height and I already considered her short.

"Probably just under 5." She responded and giggled. Yup, she was tiny!

Wow..that was quite a difference. More than a foot between them.

"Well, his mother doesn't quite care for superficial qualities. As long as she makes him happy, and I know she does make him really happy," she beamed at me, as if she knew something I didn't. I looked at her in silent query.

"He told me he loves her."

Another surprise. A wonderful surprise nonetheless. When? I prompted her.

"Actually… the week before he came in," she answered and somehow the memory made her eyes water again. I rubbed her upper arm gently. I was more than relieved when she sniffed back her tears and perked up a minute later.

"So I'm all for her," she finished approvingly. I pulled her into my side approvingly and kissed her temple fervently.

"The boys are lucky to have you as their mother, you know that?" I told her softly as we stopped at Jasper's door. She beamed at me again. For the first time in 3 days, the light was back in her face again.

We were just in time.

We caught Emmett and Rosalie on their way out.

I hugged Emmett and we exchanged greetings while Esme hugged Rosalie. She looked like the rest of them – puffy eyes, pale face, but there was light there nevertheless. I could somehow understand why she would be looking as bad as my wife; just a week after Jasper had returned home from his induction chemo, she had dropped a shocker bomb to everyone, she believed that Jasper was her brother – the one she'd lost to abductors 20 years ago. Jasper, obviously still recovering from his hospital stay had collapsed from the news that afternoon and subsequently bruised himself quite badly. Esme and I had not been pleased with her handling of the news, and Esme had given her a piece of a worried mother's mind later that evening. I didn't know the specifics, but somehow Jasper and she had come to an agreement about the matter. She wouldn't press him now. They'd resolve the issue when he was all better. She would wait for him. Everyone could see though that her view of him had changed overnight, from that of a friend to that of an older sister. It was a good thing, Jasper could use all the support he could get.

"He's going to be fine soon Esme," she told her softly, the sincerity in her voice evident on her face. She and Esme shared more than they thought possible. Both had lost someone in their lives before, even if Rosalie's was a little different to Esme's. Tears rolled down my wife's face again, and I reached out to touch the small of her back subtly as she thanked Rosalie for her kind words. I extended my thanks to her as well before leading Esme into the interleading space to his room.

We put on the gowns and mask quickly before stepping into his room.

If I had thought my heart would be appeased now that Jasper was out of coma, I was wrong. It clenched tightly inside me again the moment I saw him lying on the bed, still as death. As he had been three days ago. I was still finding it hard to process the fact that when we left him on Thursday afternoon he'd been smiling at us and looking pretty rosy, and now he was pale and unresponsive.

_Oh God. I had nearly lost one of my kids._

_I had nearly lost Jasper. _

I gripped Esme's hand tightly and stilled my wavering step.

"Honey.." She looked at me concernedly. My head was bowed down, my eyes shut. The trembling in my hand was evident. My heart hurt. My heart was still hurting from this unexpected incident.

"A minute.." I whispered painfully as I battled to still my emotion. She ran her hand over my hair and soothed me.

_She was stronger than I was in this matter. She was much stronger._

"He's alive Carlisle.. he's alive.." she whispered to my face then and kissed my jaw lightly. She was just as much my pillar as I was hers. I took a slow shaky breath and looked up at the still body on the bed again. Silent tears were now run its course down my face. Esme's finger reached to wipe them off quietly. We approached the bed.

He was alive. He was breathing on his own now, even if he was still wearing a mask. I pulled the chair for Esme to sit on and I sat down on the edge of his bed, my hand moving to touch his blanketed leg instinctively.

"Hey son..I'm sorry I'm late.." I croaked, and made to wipe my face again.

I would never get used to seeing him like this.

_Never._

No parent could ever stand to see their children hurting or worst, dying. I was no exception.

* * *

A/N: Leave Carlisle your lovin please...


	31. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Again, thanks to all reviewers. Sorry I couldn't reply personally. But as always, I appreciate your 'lovin' just the same. Enjoy this long one.

Summary: Jasper wakes up! Confusion ensues.

* * *

**Chapter 22: Wake Me Up Before ****You Go, Go**

**_JPOV_**

The week flew by slowly. I could hear my family coming in and out of the room and talking to me but I couldn't say a thing back. I had heard Bella crying once and sought to assure her but my hand refused to cooperate. And then there was the pain. Everything hurt. Why was my body on fire?

Edward and Emmett came by the one day and told me of the ways they were going to execute me when I got better. I had really scared off everyone hadn't I? I couldn't remember why though. What really happened? I realized that I must be unconscious but I had been unconscious from fever before, nothing warranting any special treatment or punishment. No one seemed to be saying anything about the last few days before I woke up in my head with this fire in my body.

That was the other strange thing. I usually felt nothing. Just woozy and sedated or something. But now I was in pain all the time. It was driving me mad to be encased in this feeling and not having any power to do anything about it. I idly wondered if this was how purgatory felt like. I couldn't have died could I?

"Honey, Alice is here to see you, you should really wake up,"

I heard mom speak to me the other day. Her voice seemed a little shaky still. I felt her hand touch my face and I willed my body to move.

I think I stirred.

_Or ma__ybe I was dreaming it. _

Alice? Was Alice here? I thought she was in Italy or something. Did..did she fly here?

"Carlisle..he moved.." I heard mom's voice a short while later.

_Yes!_

_That's it mom..tell everyone I'm awake. I'm here. I can hear you guys!_

"He's probably starting to come to consciousness. Sweetheart, you shouldn't get your expectations too high…I don't think he will be up until the week is over.. the infection is still raging inside him, he's under heavy medication.." Dad's voice filtered through the haze in my head.

My heart fell. I was still fighting the damn fever off? WTF? How long had I been like this? It seemed a whole week had passed already. I was supposed to have gone home wasn't I? I remembered falling on the floor and Edward picking me up. That was it. Why the fuck was my brain so muddled?

"Hey Jasper," a sweet voice that was non familial captured my attention next.

Alice. My Alice. My happy perfume.

I smiled at the sound. She was the tranquilizer in my fire encased prison. I felt myself relaxing at the sound of her voice.

_Don't stop talking sunshine. Speak to me. Keep talking._

I didn't know if she heard me or not but she spoke to me as if we were on the phone again. Giving me updates of her life. She quit her job? I was surprised when she said that.

_I thought your job was everything for you Alice?_

"I thought my job was everything Jazz, I can't believe how blind I've been," she answered my thoughts.

_So what's better than your job then Alice? _Silently I was hoping she would say me.

"I couldn't believe when James pointed out the obvious to me…I was so silly," she laughed. I eased even more. She could be my morphine fix for all I cared. Everything about her soothed me.

"You're everything to me Jazzy. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize this. I was just scared of losing control I guess.." she muttered, sounding a little embarrassed at her little confession there.

I didn't care. I was soaring. The pain was momentarily gone.

_I was everything to her??? _

_Alice? I love you!_

I forced my body to move. I wanted so much to say to her then that she needn't be embarrassed by her admission, I felt the same way. _I fe__et the same way Alice!_

"Jazz?" Her body moved closer to mine. I could feel the heat coming off of her body and the sweet intoxicating scent wafting from her. God she smelled good.

I heard someone groan.

"Shh… Jazzy…don't move…you're hurting yourself.." she cooed and rubbed her tiny hand on my temple. I wanted to lean in into her touch. She was so soft.

For some reason I felt compelled to follow her advice. She was worried and I wanted her to stop worrying so much. So I stopped moving. I was glad she didn't let go of her hold of my face. I liked it there.

"We've a lot to talk about when you wake up Jasper Cullen.." She murmured to me again.

"I just hope that when we do, I'm not going to ruin our friendship, or make you run away,"

How she could ever ruin our friendship by telling me what she already told me was beyond me.

_Sunshine, trust me, nothing you're going to tell me when I wake is going to m__ake me run away!_

I grinned happily. I couldn't wait to wake up and start talking to her.

_She loved me. I was more important than her job._

_Wow. _

_Understatement of the century._

_Hell yeah!_

Then just as quickly her voice faded off again.

.......

...........

..............

************

_Friday_,_evening._

"Mom?" I rasped. My throat hurt.

I heard an unfamiliar yet familiar voice filter through my foggy brain.

"Jazz? Jazz can you hear me?"

Bella? Too high to be Bella's voice. A new nurse?

"Jazz, can you hear me?"

"Where?" I groaned as the pain made my body shudder. My vision was still hazy but I could make an outline of the shape of this new voice who was calling me Jazz. Only Bella called me Jazz.

"Hey Jazzy.." she smiled at my face. At least I thought she did.

"You're in ICU still.. I'm so glad you're awake,"

Sweet voice. Strangely, it was very soothing.

"Who..ar..e you…" I rasped, pushing my head into the pillow as the pain threatened to overcome me. Her face was becoming clearer in my view. Black hair. Big eyes. Small heart shaped face. Pointy chin. Pretty. Pretty girl.

When she smiled, I forgot the pain for a second.

"Alice..I'm Alice.." She supplied sweetly.

"Alice.."

Another groan. Whoever that was had to stop soon. He was annoying me.

"Hi…Al..ice…." I murmured. I couldn't fight the enveloping darkness. The pull was too strong. I welcomed it again.

.....

.........

.............

************

_Saturday__, morning_

"Hey, he's waking up..guys,"

I heard Emmett's voice booming into my waking consciousness.

The first thing that registered was how groggy I felt and that I was in pain still. My throat was on fire. I could barely move my body. The light was glaring against my eyes and I had to squeeze them shut against the offending pain that came.

Mom came into view and blocked it away. I relaxed perceptibly.

"Hi honey…" she cooed to me. I smiled.

"Hi…mo…om.." I rasped painfully. I felt a tiny chip of ice being placed on my lip and I sucked on it gratefully. It soothed my parched throat immediately. I felt as though I had been under water for a long while and had had nothing to drink for ages.

"Easy Jasper…take it easy,"

Dad. Now he came into view.

"Hey..dad…" I mouthed. He smiled back. I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Where..am I?" I asked as my hazy brain started clearing up.

"Still in the center Jazz, back in your favorite suite," Emmett chimed in again. I frowned.

"Honey are you in pain?" Mom's worried voice captured my attention again.

_Yes._

"No…" _Liar._

"Thought..I was home…" I replied instead. The faces looking at me fell.

"W..hat happened?" I queried as my lucidity came back and my voice gained strength.

"Jazz.. you've been in a coma," Edward supplied now, his voice bittersweet. I nearly jumped.

"What?!" My eyes positively widened at the sentence, forgetting for a second how they sent stabbing pains into my brain as the harsh light filtered through them again.

……………

……………

************

_Saturday, __evening._

The moment she stepped into the room, my vision became a tunnel. I saw nothing else but her. Maybe it was sheer coincidence, although I preferred to think it was providence that made my head turn towards the door just as she came into view. The discussion I had been having with Emmett moments ago was instantly forgotten, his rumbling voice mere background noise.

She was a vision. In Prada or Dior, whatever it was that she was wearing. Little pixie Alice. My Alice. My love. My entire body tingled at the thought of calling her that again, and again and again.

Emmett whispered something in my ear. I couldn't make out what it was that he was muttering about. I couldn't care less.

"Hi Alice!" Emmett called out to her from where he stood right beside me. I took the opportunity to drink at her sight. She seemed shy suddenly. I could understand her sentiment. I was feeling the same. It was weird, in a cute kind of way.

_Jasper, you are turning soft!_

She waved at Emmett in response, her face breaking into a small smile. She made her way to me slowly, greeting everyone in her path first. They all seemed to know her already. Where was I when all of this happened? Ahh yes..I was unconscious. I had forgotten about that minor detail. No matter, I would be introduced to her soon. Very soon.

I waited with bated breath as she slowly approached me. My mind was a hazy blur. I was still trying to process the fact that she was here. She was really here. Apparently she had visited me a few times, even catching me awake once but I couldn't remember a thing.

She extended her hand to shake mine. I took it with the wrong hand so I couldn't really shake it properly but I held on to it anyhow. She watched me and then watched our linked hands. We were holding hands like a couple. I smiled inside. I liked it. She tilted her head to me patiently. Her eyes were sparkling. Or maybe they were teary. For me perhaps?

"Hi Jasper," she chimed. I felt the familiar tingle cocooning my entire body again.

I was in heaven. I really was in heaven. I'd been hearing this voice for months now and for a while had been secretly wondering how her skin would feel in my hands while we chatted; I'd been imagining holding her hand or some part of her; we'd be sitting close shoulder to shoulder or she'd be sitting on my lap as she talked and entertained me endlessly. The feel of her smooth, perfect, warm hand in mine right now made tears prick at the corner of my eyes. A sudden realization hit me.

_I had been waiting for her all this time_.

_Longed for her. _

I didn't even realize just how much until this very second. The onslaught of emotion coursing through me, bombarding my thoughts, my chest, became so overwhelming I nearly burst into tears in front of her. I felt my forehead crease as I fought to control myself. She looked concerned for a second.

How many minutes had passed? I still hadn't said a word. I struggled to find my tongue now.

"Hi…A..lice," I finally answered, squeezing her hand to make sure she was really there. She smiled her sweet smile and returned my squeeze.

As if on cue for a stage performance, my grin made an instant appearance. It was the kind of grin that reached your eyes and made them squint smaller in the process and made your jaw hurt because your face was stretched so wide and were stretching still. The grin that would not stop growing. Yes, I had that grin on now. I probably looked like an idiot because Emmett just burst into a loud guffaw when he saw me. When my hand went up to scratch the green beanie that was keeping my head warm a second later, Edward joined him. I was a nervous shit and they knew this only too well. _Bastards!_

_************_

**_Alice POV_**

I didn't know if it was purely coincidence or if it was fate but just as I stepped into the room, at the door, I saw his head turn towards my direction, seemingly forgetting Emmett who was busy talking to him quite intensely before I obviously interrupted his attention.

My heart skipped a beat. Or two. Or three. I lost count after it started playing the 'conga' behind my ribcage.

God he was beautiful. Even sick, he looked beautiful still.

Emmett finally realized who had stolen Jasper's attention from him. He yelled hello to me. I waved and made my way past the rest of them quickly before approaching his bed. He was silent. Blue eyes looking at me. Emotions I couldn't decipher were swimming behind the sparkling orbs.

Only a week ago, I thought I had lost my chance to ever seeing those orbs again, or ever hearing his voice that had always soothed my soul and excited my senses. Just the thought was enough to send the waterworks on their merry way out of my eyes and down my face. I willed for them to stay where they were. It would not do to cry right now. This was a happy occasion.

I was busy shopping for clothes when Bella called me and told me he was finally awake and lucid. I went into sort of a frenzy in the shop, trampling over mannequins and stuff. It was really an odd time to be buying clothes when the person you loved had just awoken from his sleep of death, but I had arrived in my cocktail dress and nothing else. I should have probably gone out to get some clothes during the week that he was still unconscious, but I was too scared to be away from the center for too long. He was still being kept under constant watch in the ICU, the infection was still raging for the first few days after he had awoken from his coma. He was unconscious. That was enough a reason for me to keep close. So I stayed close. For the rest of the week, I beggared clothes with Bella and Rosalie and on one occasion even used one of Edward's t shirt. Not exactly my style, but at least it was better than my trampy, raccoon eyed presentation when I had first arrived. Our week was spent between the ICU floor and the hotel they were booked into, which was a 2 minute walk across the road from the center. He was moved back to his room yesterday afternoon and I was there when he awoke briefly this time. A whole 1 minute. He wasn't lucid yet. And he couldn't remember me or where he was. Carlisle had warned us ahead that sometimes people who came out of a coma might lose their memory temporarily so I wasn't really worried about it. But seeing his blue eyes that short minute; that was the thing that undid me. I cried. I actually cried from the sheer relief of seeing those blue orbs I had seen so long ago in my dreams and could still vividly remember as though they were in my dreams only yesterday. I never thought I'd see them again. And for the first time since I got here, I finally managed to get a shut eye. The past week my sleep had been riddled with nightmare after nightmare. So when I woke up refreshed this morning, I finally felt it was safe enough for me to venture to the shops for a an hour to get some clothes. Only I should have realized what would normally take Bella 20 minutes would take me several hours. Hence the delay. Hence the late entrance.

But I was here now. And he was awake. And by the look I was getting from him, I knew he remembered me now.

I extended my hand expecting him to shake it. Instead he reached out with his left and held mine awkwardly. I looked at him curiously and then at my hand that was being held by him. We looked like a couple linking hands. I smiled at the thought and wondered if he was thinking of the same thing. My eyes watered a bit at the romantic notion of it.

I somehow found my voice, and greeted him. I should have been worried immediately when he didn't answer me, he seemed lost in his thoughts somehow. I felt the grip on my hand tighten just a tad bit, as if he was checking to see if I was maybe not real. My heart choked just a little at that. _He wasn't sure if he was dreaming or not?_ I wanted to say to him immediately that I was real and I was really here with him but it felt wrong to interrupt his thoughts somehow, so I stood instead waiting and watching his eyes as they swirled with a myriad of feelings. I got concerned when I saw the orbs glistened and the perceptible crease between his eyebrows. He was trying to still his emotion. Just when I thought he wouldn't say a word, he did.

"Hi Alice.." he responded belatedly.

The voice that had soothed me for the last four months. I perked up just hearing it. I smiled at him and squeezed his hand in assurance now.

_I am here Jasper._

He beamed. Positively radiated. He only needed a pair of wings and he would be complete. He was a vision of an angel. I was silently struck in awe. Moments later though, the golden silence between us was shattered by Emmett's boisterous laugh. And just seconds after that, Edward had seemingly joined him. I looked at Jasper curiously and the other two boys, wondering what in the world had been so funny suddenly.

"Don't mind us Alice… Jasper here.. he's he's just..very happy to see you," Emmett supplied not a moment too soon. I blushed. _He doesn't know how happy I am to see him._

Silence again. But this time the entire room was quiet.

Like everyone was waiting for something to happen. A second later, I heard someone clearing his throat – it must have been Carlisle; and then calling everyone out to go and have something to eat. _Thank God for Carlisle. _There was so much that I wanted to say to him, but I didn't think it was appropriate to say them in front of everyone.

"Can I sit here?" I asked him and pointed to the edge of his bed close to his lap. He nodded. I pushed myself up and folded my legs to the side so I could be fairly close to him and still have my face turned to face him fully.

"How are you feeling?" I asked concernedly. While I was not family, I reckoned having flown all the way from Italy to Seattle and maxing out my credit card for him, justified my questioning him the way I just did. He let out a tiny smile.

"I've been worst.. apparently," he answered. Despite the radiance I saw in his face when I first came in, now that I had had a closer look, I could see he was still very much in pain, even if he was trying to not show it. Perhaps for his family's sake more than his. I did not press him.

"You came," he said softly. He made it sound like I would have never come. I felt so bad. Before Saturday, there was probably some measure of truth in the disbelief laced in his statement. I reached out for his hand and squeezed it a little more.

"James said I had to come sort you out.. I couldn't agree more," I answered teasingly. I couldn't quite tell him yet the realization that I had had when Emmett told me the news. I was still trying to arrange my thoughts on just how to tell him that. He grinned.

"You need to take a number then..apparently my entire family wants to kill me or spank me or something.." he supplied. I laughed. I was aware of that. Emmett and Edward had been on a serious discussion on the very topic a few times already.

And just like that, Jasper and I fell into comfortable banter again. Just as we did over the phone, only this time we were face to face. There was no awkwardness between us. It was as if we had been friends forever.

"Alice?" He interrupted me suddenly. I paused and looked at him. A dawning look written on his face.

"What happened to the show?" He asked me, concern marring his face. He finally remembered.

I gave him a half smile. While I didn't regret choosing this over MDE, I had loved my job greatly. I would miss it, a lot.

"I quit." I said nonchalantly, hoping he would not catch the tinge of sadness in my voice for having to quit my job. I was stupid to believe that he wouldn't catch it. I was an open book to his keen power of observation.

"I'm sorry.." He uttered apologetically and reached for my hand again. I noted with interest how touchy feely we were with each other, me grabbing his hand, him grabbing mine, every time we sought to assure the other. I loved it.

"I knew your job meant a lot to you..you shouldn't have.." he began but stopped halfway. Why, I didn't know. I didn't ask. He closed his eyes, hand still holding mine in his lap. As he mulled over his thoughts as he sometimes did, I waited quietly and looked down at our hands clasped together and suddenly the bad dream I had in the plane flashed back to the fore of my mind. I reeled in shock from it and flinched back unexpectedly, jolting him forward roughly as I pulled my hand away from his lap harshly. He fell back onto the raised bed and went rigid.

He couldn't hide the pained groan even if he wanted to. His eyes squeezed shut tightly. I panicked and jumped to the floor immediately and hovered close to him, touching his shoulder.

_Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!_

"Jasper? You okay? What hurts? What can I do?" I asked frantically. I had half the mind to press the call button. I would if he didn't open his eyes soon. One second. Two. Three. _Okay maybe I should._ I thought and made to move. I felt his hand shot out to stop me immediately. _How in the hell did he know that? _I looked at him, and his eyes were still shut but his hand did not relinquish me either. So I stayed and waited worriedly for him to regain himself back.

"I'm okay, everything.. nothing," he murmured to me weakly before finally opening his eyes. His eyelashes were wet with tears from the pain. It took me a second to realize he had just mumbled his answers to my questions. I had to smile back, even though I felt horribly guilty now for hurting him.

"Body's not cooperating fully yet.." He supplied a short while later. The color that had drained from his face when I had jostled him seemed to be coming back a little at a time.

"I'm so sorry.." I told him guiltily and felt just about ready to cry that I had hurt him. He shook his head slightly and told me he was fine now.

Blue orbs looked into mine again and we were communicating in silence suddenly.

I didn't know what happened, but it felt like everything around me, around us just fell away and the moment became ours and ours alone. It was just him and me. It was the most intense moment I had ever felt in my life.

I stilled my breath.

************

**_JPOV_**

_He doesn't know how happy I am to see him._

She spoke her thought out again. This time I didn't mention it to her, even though I could see the widening of eyes from everyone who were standing behind her. Mom, Dad, Bella , Rosie, Edward. Emmett, who was standing close to us, tried hard to maintain a neutral face.

There was an awkward silence suddenly. They were either waiting for her to realize her folly or express her feelings out loud. I was praying for mom or dad or Bella to do something and just whisk everyone out.

Dad cleared his throat._ Thank God. _And asked everyone that they should go and have something to eat. Even though, they had just eaten.

My family shuffled out of the room quickly. Leaving Alice and myself alone.

If I had thought we were going to have an awkward conversation now that there wasn't a telephone line between us, I clearly did not have enough faith in mother nature or cupid or whoever it was that matched make people. She came to sit by me on the bed and we fell into comfortable chatter as if we had never been apart.

I should have realized it sooner but my brain was still muddled from the shock and the subsequent period of unconsciousness that it only dawned on me later the sacrifice she had to have made coming here. I knew something was missing when my brothers told me that Alice had been with us the entire week. Somewhere in the middle of our conversation, it hit me. She had been planning a big show, and the show was to have happened this past week.

"Alice?" I cut her immediately. She looked at me curiously.

"What happened to the show?" I asked, concerned and worried for her.

She gave me a half smile. My heart fell. First my family, now her too? Did I have to hurt everyone all the time?

"I quit." She said easily. The perkiness in her voice was genuine but I could feel the regret or sadness in them. How could she not? She loved her job. She only talked about it every time we chatted over the phone.

"I'm sorry.." I told her apologetically and squeezed her hand softly. I was really sorry.

"I knew your job meant a lot to you..you shouldn't have…" I stopped, not knowing what to say, how to say what was really in my heart. I placed our hands in my lap and contemplated on what to say next. On one hand, I wanted to tell her that I regretted that she had to leave her job for me, but on the other, I wanted to say to her to stay. Forget her job, and stay here with me. I didn't know what came over her next though because she pulled away from me roughly, jostling my body in the process. Pain shot up everywhere on my body it seemed and I couldn't hold the groan from escaping my mouth then. I pushed myself back against the bed and willed the pain to go away. She was panicking beside me. I could sense the warning bells chiming in her worried tinkly voice.

"Jasper! You okay? What hurts? What can I do?" she asked me frantically. I couldn't answer her yet and I waited for the pain to dissipate, taking shallow breaths and squeezing my eyes tightly as it coursed through me. I felt her move. _No way! She wasn't heading towards the button. _I threw my hand out, ignoring the pain that came with the harsh movement and held her hand. _Stay._

A few minutes later I answered her questions in one go and opened my eyes again. I could feel my eyelashes were wet from the pain. She looked horribly sorry but a tiny smile graced her beautiful face nonetheless.

"Body's not cooperating fully yet," I supplied shortly after.

"I'm so sorry.." she whispered shakily. She looked so guilty and just about ready to cry. I shook my head to her slightly and told her I was fine now.

When she didn't seem convinced, I looked into her eyes intently, hoping she would see the honesty in them, that my voice had failed to relay somehow.

Silence pervaded our space again.

It happened suddenly. We weren't in this room, or anywhere for that matter. There was nothing around us, there was only her and me. Sharing an intense moment together. I had never felt anything like it before. It was so silent that I could hear the beating of my heart loud and clear. My head started swimming.

"I have something to say to you.." she murmured softly, and yet I could hear the wetness in her voice. Her face creased just slightly, her eyes softening as she looked at me.

_A softening blow._

I didn't know why it came to mind, but it occurred to me that she was going to reject me again. I didn't want to hear it.

"You don't have to say anything Alice.. really.." I said pathetically and motioned for her to sit on the chair. She shook her head and I felt droplets of water land on my skin then. _She was crying? Why was she crying?_

"I realized something last Saturday.. when I called," she started, looking at me with forlorn eyes.

"I don't know how to say this and not scare you away.. cause I really do value you as a friend," she added. At the mention of the word 'friend', my heart ached. It ached so bad, I could have sworn it hurt more than the physical pain I was going through still. She was going to let me down for good.

"Don't..say it please..for the sake of our friendship..please don't," I blurted out in cowardice before she could spell it out to me. A pleading in my eyes.

_Spare me the pain, don't say it. _I begged silently.

She reeled back as if shocked. Gray eyes watering, her lips trembling just fractionally but in our close distance, I could see it clearly.

She stammered, trying to collect herself. I couldn't understand her reaction suddenly. Her face creased at me in a sort of anguish or pain and she bit her lip, breathing hard through her nose.

"I'm sorry..I ..I don't know what I was thinking…,God..I'm sorry," she mumbled to me. True to her nature, the pained look in her face smoothed out seconds later and she managed a smile at me again. I smiled back in return even if I wasn't too sure if she meant that smile now.

"I should let you rest.. I better go.." she mumbled again, looking at the wall behind my face. She was acting odd for someone who was just going to let a one sided attraction down.

_I only asked her __not to spell it out didn't I? Was that too much to ask?_

_What the fuck was going on here? Did I miss something?! _

My mind was going off into several directions all at once. So was my heart. I clearly missed the plot or the cue or something because she was giving me such odd reactions. I wished that my brain wasn't so muddled at the moment because I was sure I would've processed everything and understood the situation by now. As it were, I wasn't processing anything.

"Take care Jasper.. I'll see you around?' she said perkily. She sounded so fake suddenly.

"Alice?" I looked at her confusedly and gently touched her hand again. She squeezed my hand once and then leaned over to kiss my temple quickly.

I could have been electrocuted again for all I cared. Her kiss surged a current so strong throughout my body that I was rendered speechless.

"I better go.." she muffled and just like that, she left me hanging. I watched her retreating figure leave the room. Me. For some obscure reason, it felt like she was leaving me.

_Did I do something wrong here? Did I read something wrong? What the fuck happened?!!!!!_

By the time I registered what she was saying, what she was probably going to say and what I was saying, she was gone. And there was no one around to help me.

_Fuck Jasp__er!!!!_

I freaked out. Major freak out.

_Oh My God! You fucking retard!_

Why would she have flown all the way here if not for me? Why would she have stayed if not for me? She chose to be here instead of her job for fuck's sake! How did I forget the fact that she told me she liked me calling her "my love"?????

_She didn't want to scare you away she said._

That should have registered in my brain but NO….I had to go and freaking break her heart. Not even gave her a chance to say what she needed to say.

Before I knew what was happening, I was on my feet struggling to get to the door.

_Please don't be too far…please don't be too far.._

_Oh God, I am going to kill myself._ I thought absently as I forced myself to limp - run across the floor.

"Alice?" I called as I reached the main seating area. I couldn't see her. She wasn't on the floor anymore.

_Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! _

I gave a cursory look at my door again and at the lift. _Decisions, decisions! _As if on cue, at that very moment, my body decided to remind me of my current state of invalid-ness and I nearly crumpled from the pain. I stood my ground however.

The song "_I dare you to move" _rang in my head suddenly, or perhaps the kid who had just passed me was playing it out loud in his IPOD. The impetus I needed. I ran to the lift. Okay, okay, I limped was more like it.

I was almost in tears as I leaned against the wall of the lift as it brought me down to the reception area. My legs were barely holding me up and my entire body was on fire. I was starting to shake from the crippling pain sweeping through me. Then belatedly I realized I was in a hospital gown instead of my usual pants and shirt. _Shit._ Hands went to my back at once to check that the ties were all in place. The last thing I needed was to be arrested for flashing in public. It must have been my lucky day that there weren't any medical staff entering the lift as we went down. I didn't think I could hide the obvious pain from my face anymore.

We reached ground floor after what seemed like ages. I made my way towards the exit immediately. Sure enough I caught her just about to leave. She looked like she had been crying. My heart went to her. I had made her cry. _Stupid Jasper made Alice cry!_

We were only about 50 feet apart but I knew if she passed through that glass door, I wouldn't be able to get to her. I'd lose her.

Decency be damned.

"Alice!!"

My guttural voice reverberated in the reception area loudly. I didn't see the annoying looks snapping my way, my eyes were trained at her and her alone and I limped towards her, gritting my teeth as my body struggled against the physical exertion.

"Jasper!!" Eyes wide with shock and fear looked at me and she ran towards me immediately. I fell onto my knees. I heard her scream even more. Hands coming down to help me. I pushed them away. Pushed everyone away. Until I felt hers.

She was too shocked and worried to say anything.

"I'm..I'm sorry..stupid..me.. ." I muttered a little incoherently and gritted my teeth as a wave of dizziness coupled with stabbing prickling pain threatened to overcome me. I was feeling cold again. _Fuck. _

I knew what was coming. I had pushed my recently awoken body to its limit already.

"Do you have a death wish or something?!" She hissed at me as she tried to pull me up. I pulled her hand back to the floor weakly, refusing to move until she said what she needed to say. Also because I couldn't possibly move now without possibly fainting. I took a quick breath and spoke.

"What did you want to tell me? Upstairs.. before.. I cut you," I asked through clenched teeth.

"Jasper..we need to get you to your bed..resting," she urged. The anger in her voice had gone and was replaced by pure worry now. I must be looking pretty pale by this time.

"No…" I growled - sulked. She obviously did not know anything about the Cullen boy stubbornness. I looked up at her eyes, now all puffy and smudged.

"Alice.. please.. tell me..?" I pleaded, praying my eyes would express what my voice was failing to say.

"Please?"

_I love you Alice._

Her face contorted and tears ran down her cheeks again.

"Please?" I implored again.

_Fuck. Hurry woman, before I faint._

I rolled my eyes. Not at her but at the cold dizziness that was taking over me.

"OK, OK!" she huffed. She obviously took my actions wrongly.

"I love you. I realized that I love you okay??? Please don't be mad with me.." she blurted worriedly.

_Mad?? Was she crazy or something? I was mad alright! Madly in love!_

Caught in a moment of unadulterated happiness, a surge of strength burst through me and I pulled her face to mine and kissed her full on. As hard as I could manage. Her eyes were wide with shock. Pain forgotten momentarily, I grinned on her lips at her reaction.

"Jazz??" she touched her trembling lips as I pulled away. She looked worried. Perhaps she thought I had lost my mind?

"I love you too. I have been for some time…" I muttered sheepishly before groaning the last word out. The cold was finally overtaking me.

"Oh shit…" I whispered shakily as I fought to control the last reserve of my strength.

"Jazz...what's wrong..stay with me..help!!"

"Sorry sunsh....think..I'm gonna fa..int.." I mumbled weakly as I fell into her lap.

Her worried scream was the last thing I heard as my vision went black again.

************

When I woke up again, 7 pairs of very angry eyes were looking down at me.

I feigned innocence.

"Oh no you don't Jasper Cullen," Mom said in thinly veiled menace.

Jane shook her head at me disappointingly.

"You freaking scared everyone Jasper.." Emmett intoned seriously.

"You could have relapsed into coma for all we know!" Edward fumed.

"Do you want to stay here longer son?" Dad threatened.

Rosalie and Bella didn't have to say anything to me because I was already feeling their invisible talons raking my skin and bleeding me out.

Where was Alice?

"Where's Alice?" I asked, groaning a little at how weak my voice sounded.

I heard a round of sighs. I was a man in love; no level of their anger could touch me right now.

"She's outside.." mom told me softly.

_Why was she outside? Did they ban her or something? _I wanted to explain myself to them and tell them to let her off the hook, but mom cut me before I could even say a word out.

"She's livid with you," she told me and ran a hand over my head softly. The menace in her voice had disappeared completely, only understanding and love remained.

"I'm sorry mom… I .." I sought to explain, but felt tears pricking my eyes. I had nearly lost her.

"It's okay honey…she told us everything," she said, smiling tiredly at me.

I frowned.

"Why is she livid with me?" I asked weakly.

"You did..scare her half to death idiot," Edward supplied and broke into a grin.

"Oh fu...shit.." I groaned. I had forgotten about that little detail.

"Just so you know… half the center's staff and patrons have seen your white little Cullen ass," Emmett guffawed. The entire room broke into laughter at my expense. I colored. I thought I had had that covered. Obviously I didn't.

_Now I'm the butt of everyone's joke._

"Don't remind..me please… Alice? Can I see her?" I asked.

"Sure thing son…but we're not leaving you kids alone this time.." Dad supplied deadpan. My brothers laughed even louder, if that was possible. I made to roll my eyes again but stopped when it hurt my head. Mom's face came into view again.

"Okay?" she asked concernedly.

"Yeah… just a headache.." I replied and squeezed her hand. She leaned down and kissed my head. I pecked the side of her head as she did so.

"Thanks mom.." I muttered before she let me go. My angel was standing behind her. I thought I heard mom whisper good luck to my ear just as she pulled away.

"Hey..Alice.." I stammered, smiling very guiltily.

One very angry kitten in designer garb was looking at me. My guilty grin couldn't have saved me even if it was the sexiest grin on earth.

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A/N: Hey hey...please leave us some lovin!! I would love to know what you guys thought of this.


	32. Special

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down..Jalice vamplover style.

Summary:Jasper and Alice have a chat after his brilliant performance.

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**Filler 10: Special**

"You're not angry with me are you?" I asked innocently.

She huffed, her tiny nostrils flaring just slightly at me. I didn't mean to grin at her then but I couldn't help but think how adorable she looked even in anger. I raised my hands in apology when she huffed even more.

"You scared me Jasper Cullen," she hissed lowly, eyes narrowing at me, her tiny arms folded across her chest. Vaguely I saw Emmett stifling a laugh behind her, I wanted to roll my eyes in exasperation that my entire family was in the room watching me get chewed by a tiny little thing called Alice Brandon. I tried my best to ignore them.

"I'm sorry sunshine," I said to her endearingly, running my hand down her upper arm gently.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

The bed had been raised to a 45 degree angle so that I was fairly sitting up supported instead of having to lie flat on my back. I wanted to pull her into a hug, but it was quite an impossible feat seeing that I was still feeling a little winded from my unexpected marathon and she was a little too short to just reach over and embrace me. As it were, the bed was at waist level to her. I chuckled inwardly at our stark difference in height. If either of my brothers were shocked or surprised by her tiny size, they did not share it with me. My last woman – Maria, she was a leggy girl, pretty tall. She was taller than mom. Bella was about an inch shorter than mom's 5'6" height and Rosalie was probably two inches taller at 5'8". My Alice, My Alice was a wee little woman. All 5'of her. Probably a little shorter than that even. I supposed on the outside we were an odd match. I couldn't help but think there was a touch of kinky in our matching. She was a kitten to my lion size. It didn't really matter though. Inside – she was big. Big of heart, Big of mind, big of everything. She seemed to fill in the cracks that had been existing in my life all these years – sealed them with her gentle ways and healed them with her selfless giving. She completed me through and through, I knew this for sure. I'd known this for some time now.

I returned my attention back to my angry kitten.

"In my defense though," I started carefully.

"I wouldn't actually be in this position if it hadn't been for you," I smirked. Her eyes widened remarkably. I thought she was going to eat me alive at first. I carried on without waiting for her to respond.

"You left me in a hurry..you have to agree, my head was too muddled still to think straight, and it was easy to understand how I could have misunderstood what you were trying to say…then you left me, without so much of an explanation..you can understand why I had to run after you," I supplied. I was of course only teasing, even if it was quite true what I had said; but I instantly regretted it. The look of guilt that fell over her face made me cringe 10 times. I reached out instantly to reassure her as she bit her trembling lower lip.

_God Jasper..it wasn't enough to scare the kitten you have to make her cry?!_

"Hey..Hey..Alice?" I looked into her sorry face. She shook her head and wiped her face quickly.

"I..I'm sorry..you're right." She muttered softly to me.

"I shouldn't have just left you like that..what was I thinking!" she chastised herself loudly, forgetting the other people that were still present in the room. I saw heads snapping our way; mom's inquiring eyes looking at me for a second. I gave her a reassuring look that we were okay and they returned to their quiet chatter.

"I'm just teasing you sunshine.." I sought to assure her. She wouldn't have it. I should have known. We were a match alright. A stubborn Cullen and a stubborn Brandon.

"I'm sorry you had to run after me.. it must have been really painful..you ..you looked so..ill when I got to you," she sniffed. I could have sworn I saw myself as she saw me then, replaying in her gray eyes. I remembered feeling like shit then.

_You scared her shit Jasper._

Damn. I needed to hug her. Now.

"You wanna jump over and sit on the bed sunshine?" I suggested quickly. She seemed to have read what I was wanting to do, and she pulled the chair close and used it as a step stool to sit on the bed, her legs folded to her side again.

"I'm sorry for worrying you," I murmured, peering into her grays apologetically. She leaned over and embraced me into a comforting hug.

Sigh. _Finally._

I melted into her embrace instantly and inhaled her scent all too willingly. When she pulled away we were quickly lost in silent communication again, her fingers were dancing on my open palm and mine was trying to catch hers every now and then.

"Why did you..leave..so hastily though?" I asked absently. I was a little curious to know what had been going on in her mind that time.

"I'm not exactly sure why.. I guess.. well, back in Milan when I first told myself that I was going to tell you, I didn't think that it would matter if you returned it or not..but when you stopped me," she stopped and bit her lip again.

_She looks so damn irresistible when she does that._

I stilled my wandering mind. Here she was telling me something serious and I was thinking of how sexy she looked.

"It kinda hurt.." her face twisted. I cringed and squeezed her hand gently for a second.

"I had to leave.. I didn't want you to see me cry..from the rejection," she admitted, chuckling a little then – probably from thinking of how silly she sounded.

"If it makes you feel any better sunshine.. I only stopped you because I thought you were letting me down, and I couldn't bear to hear it..." I admitted embarrassedly. Her head tilted and a smile appeared on her face.

"Really?" she asked, gray eyes looking into mine, searching for confirmation.

"Really." I responded assuredly. She opened my palms flat again and her fingers were once more dancing on them, tracing invisible patterns or dance steps. I watched with silent awe at how easy it was for her to soothe me, I almost forgot how weary my body was feeling.

"So..you've been feeling that way for some time now?" she queried, moving her attention from her fingers to my face for a second.

_That I'd been in love with her for some time?_

"Yes.. since the day you told me you didn't want me going back here.. before my first consolidation round," I admitted easily, remembering the day and how I had felt as if it had only happened moments ago. I remembered being a mess of feeling that day – scared and worried, but excited and totally exhilarated all at the same time. And when I had accepted it – I felt unbelievably free.

Her face now looked exactly how I had felt and was feeling now. She was illuminated from the inside.

"I love you Jasper." she said loudly then and hugged me again. I couldn't help but grin. I was a mixture of slight awkwardness, and a good dose of joy and pride. She was a special character this one, how she could forget that we weren't alone in the room, I'd never know. I saw mom beaming at me from the other end of the room. Bella and Rosie were smiling widely at me as well. I might have colored a little. While it felt awkward to have your entire family listening to the girl of your dreams profess her love to you, in a way, I couldn't help but feel a little special too that she did. I returned her hug eagerly.

"I love you too sunshine," I whispered almost inaudibly to her hair. I knew she had heard me because she seemed to have melted into me further.

5 minutes of cuddling later, Emmett burst our little happy bubble with a loud cough.

"Sorry to disturb you quarreling lovebirds…"

Alice turned round and positively scowled. Emmett backtracked for bit. I chuckled loudly.

"Watch it brother..I've got a tempest here to match yours now.." I said smugly, pulling her fractionally close to my chest again. She laughed.

_Tinkling bells. Chasing fairy lights. Crisp clean cleansing air. Snowflakes on the windowsill.  
_

I inhaled deeply. Her sweet scent masking the medicinal taste wafting in the air. It felt like Christmas had come to me again.

She made me feel special.

A lot special.

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A/N: Did'ya like this? Please leave me some thoughts!


	33. This Invisible Band That I Wear

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter on Alice and Jazz. Enjoy this chapter on the tripod again.

Summary: The ties that bind them.

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**Chapter 23: This Invisible Band That I Wear**

_~We few, we happy few, we band of brothers~_

_Shakespeare, Henry V, Scene III_

_July 24th_

**_Edward POV_**

I sat quietly outside Jasper's room for some much needed solitude time. Just 10 minutes. I was glad to see that Jasper was on the mend now. Aside from the slight limp that he was showing, which dad told me might only be temporary; he seemed to have been relatively unscathed from the septic shock. I couldn't express just how relieved I was to know that.

While everyone, not including Jasper, seemed to have recovered fully, I found much to my dismay that I was still struggling with the residual emotion stemming from the recent event. I could only think that this had everything to do with me having been the one to see Jasper slip into coma, right in my arms. While I was more than relieved to see him on the mend now, the event only made me realize just how easy it was for us to have lost him. Now I couldn't help but worry about what could possibly happen next. Every time I looked at him now, I felt like bundling in him in a protective sheath and keeping him safe in there until this shit was all over. Pathetic. I was of no use to Jasper when I was this useless myself.

Years ago, when we were still kids and in the height of our obsession with war games, Jasper had once fashioned 3 armbands of sort made out of mom's leftover materials and we used to wear it on our arms whenever we played fort at Jacob Black's house in the reservation with his cousins or in our backyard. Jacob's dad Billy was a fellow colleague of dad's and a long time family friend.

_"Hear hear..we are a band of brothers, we die for one another,_" Emmett had chimed right at the beginning when we started wearing the bands and it became our slogan of sorts for months. Until we got into a new game and a new slogan was called for.

It had been years since I heard that slogan chanted. And years since I saw the black and red bands we use to wear proudly over our arm sleeves.

The red and black kid bands may have been long gone, but I still had the invisible bands on, one on each arm for each of my brothers. _And I fucking nearly lost one not two weeks ago._

I didn't realize my tears had fallen again until I felt a drop land on my hand. The very same time dad's hand on my shoulder startled me. I hastily wiped my face dry.

"How you doing?" He asked and seated himself next to me. I gave a half smile. I told him I was just mulling over the recent week's happening, getting it out of my system still. He nodded in understanding, and didn't comment on my streaky face. He had just returned from talking to Dr R about Jasper's release and his progress. He filled me in quickly.

"Dr R is delaying his last round of consolidation," He told me. I frowned at that. Was that ideal?

"Is that ideal dad?" I voiced my thought out. The last thing we needed was to hamper his progress with the disease.

"Your brother's blood work has been good so far,"

"Yeah sure, but to take chances?" I said doubtfully.

Dad sighed. I sighed in return. I was probably being overly paranoid again about the whole thing. Dad was an experienced doctor. If he agreed with Dr R's decisions, he had done enough thinking and weighing on them. The truth was I only wanted us to be done with this as soon as possible. I'd seen Jasper get into his dark moods one too many times in the last four months, seen his spirit killed after each round of chemo. I just wanted it to wrap up quickly so we could focus on him getting healthy again once and for all. If he could do all three rounds at one go, he would. He had told Emmett and me this many times. A once off job, instead of this up and down battle every month. I only wanted what he wanted.

Dad seemed to read my mind.

"I know you're only worried about Jasper and only thinking of him. No one wants to finish this faster than he does. But..he's substantially weakened from the last…" He didn't finish his sentence.

I felt another stab of guilt hit my heart.

Maybe Jasper was hiding his pain better than I thought. I felt tears prickling at the edges of my eyes again.

_Fuck this. I'm turning into a real sissy._

"Hey..don't do this to yourself, don't carry this guilt son," Dad said to me softly and patted my shoulder.

"What aren't you telling us dad?" I asked.

"He's just worried his liver might not be coping well with all the drugs that's been running in his system..it's taking strain, his billirubin levels are a bit high and his liver's looking a bit tender."

"Is he okay?" I asked worriedly. With the amount of drugs that had gone through his system in the last two weeks of his chemo and the subsequent infection and septic shock, it wasn't a total shock that his liver was rebelling.

"He doesn't think it is anything to worry about too much, but he wants to be cautious anyway and let him recover first. He believes Jasper will be okay if we resume in a month's time, after his release. It'll give him the much needed time to recuperate physically and mentally for the last round and the transplant."

The BMT. For some reason I was more worried about this than anything else. I had done a lot of reading on AML and its treatment options since Jasper was first diagnosed. Transplants carried a potentially high mortality risk. First of all there was the lack of immunity again – it would take at least 3 months for his new immune system to start kicking in and he was a sitting duck to even the most harmless of infections till then. If the chemo was bad for his immune system, the BMT would annihilate it. He had barely survived the septic shock. On top of that, it could take up to a year before it would be strong enough to allow him to resume a somewhat normal life. Could Jasper handle that? Then there was the GVHD issue to deal with. If Jasper's body reacted badly to Rosie's stem cell – it could prove to be fatal as well, if not he could still face possible long term complications. His organs could reject the new marrow and just shut down. The point was, he had these heavy risks to consider with the transplant and even then it wasn't even an absolute cure to leukemia. He could still have a relapse. It could be 10 years or it could be a year. It was just as much a coin toss, this BMT, even with hundreds of research and countless success stories backing it up.

_I just don't want to lose my brother. Is that too much to ask GOD?_

I raked my hair a little angrily. I hated being stuck in morbid thoughts but I couldn't help it. Jasper's coma and cardiac arrest was still too close a reminder of how fragile his hold on his life was.

Dad was on a roll today. He seemed to have read my thoughts well.

"I know you're worried about the transplant..but I concur with Stephen's decision, it's the best option for Jas.. considering he's had to do 2 rounds of induction," he supplied, reminding me instantly of the day – months ago when he had received the result of his first round of chemo. How could I forget? Jas literally broke apart that night. So did Emm and me. It took us a whole night to calm him down. I still had dreams about that night, how haunted he had looked and sounded.

_Fuck. What was I doing? I should be hoping for the best instead of drowning in this sea of pessimism. It was serving no one, especially not Jasper._

"I guess.. We can only hope and pray for the best hey dad?" I responded resignedly, and gave him a tight smile. He squeezed my shoulder reassuringly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be such a sore ass," I muttered apologetically. Dad pulled me into a hug.

"It's okay Edward.. We all worry. And as doctors, we can't help but worry a little bit more than others sometimes..it's the OCD in us.." he chuckled lightly. I had to return his joke, even if I hated being reminded of that trait.

We returned to Jasper's room to see him walking – "exercising", around the room with Emmett standing two steps behind waiting on him, just within reach if he needed a supporting hand to lean onto. I was glad he was in a chipper mood at least. From a scheduled two week stay, he'd been in the center for an extra two and we were counting still. His moods usually got exponentially worst the longer he stayed, and this was an exception.

_Thank God for Alice. She couldn't have arrived at a better time._

"Not planning another marathon are you Jas?" I teased.

He stuck out a tongue at me and continued his chat and walk with Emm. Dad and I settled on the couch. I watched my brother. The weight that he had gained, well – that mom had successfully made him gain back after his initial release in May; had magically disappeared in the one week he was unconscious. I didn't think it was at all possible, but he looked awfully thin again.

"Ow.. Oww.. Oww!" He moaned suddenly and bent over double where he was standing. Dad and I were by their side in a split second.

"Jasper, what's wrong?" Dad inquired, holding his forearm. He was pressing his back hard.

"Sorry, bone pain.." He grunted. I cringed and applied extra pressure on the hand that was pressing his back.

"I think that's enough exercise for you today son.." Dad instructed and helped him to straighten up slowly. He limped back with dad slowly to the bed, a little unwillingly.

It was just another side effect to the regimen of medication he was taking in his battle with this fucking illness. Because chemo killed his blood cells at a rapid rate, he had to take growth factor shots to help them regenerate faster than the usual time it would take them to normally. Some days he was fine, other days he could be totally incapacitated by it. It pained me to just think of the amount of suffering he went through on a daily basis; from the illness itself and from the various medications he was forced to take now. That was just the physical pain. He still had to deal with his own and our emotional pain as well.

If I was Silas – the self flagellating monk of David Brown's Davinci, Jasper was undoubtedly the Jesus of us three. From day one, he had been carrying this cross of guilt about putting us on an emotional whirlwind. He was true about the latter but it wasn't his fault. He didn't choose to be sick; I even told him that the first day he got admitted. It didn't stop him from feeling shit every time he got ill though.

Dad was right. He needed this break to recover his mental and emotional strength. Even if he looked more chipper than he ever was in months. The next one was going to be an uphill battle and he needed fresh strength to do that. Strength he could only get from being away from this dreadful place. His light was already waning from the extended stay here.

"When do I get to leave dad?" He asked just as the thought sprung in my mind.

"Maybe in a week's time. Once that swelling is down," Dad motioned to his swelling torso. His liver was swollen still.

"Best to keep yourself hydrated Jas.." I advised. He reached for his bottle immediately. My brother was eager to go home.

Home.

One thing I was going to be happy about. I could spend time at home now instead of having to fly back and forth. Semester break was finally here. I wondered if Bella would want to spend the holiday in Phoenix, I wouldn't stop her but I didn't think I could go on a holiday while Jasper needed support at home. I was sure she would understand. I made a mental note to discuss our holiday arrangement with my fiancée later tonight.

"Hey Edward, when are you and Bells flying back to Phoenix?"Jasper asked just as I was about to sit back on the couch. My head snapped up in attention immediately.

_How in the hell were people reading me so easily today?_

"Do I have sign running on my head or something?" I mumbled lowly, a little bothered that my family were picking up my thoughts easily. First dad, now him?

"Eddie..you okay?"

The idiot that was Emmett was trying to annoy me. He smirked. I realized, he must be bored. Being stuck in a room was never easy for him. He needed distractions all the time. Usually in the form of a chick or a playstation. Or making fun of Jasper or myself.

"Yes..and its' Edward, not Eddie..Edward," I responded tersely.

"Ooohh..Eddie's got a stick up his ass..that or…he hasn't been getting any from Bells," he chortled. The magazine that was in my hands a second ago landed with a thud on his shameless head.

True. I hadn't had any action in that department for 2 weeks now and I was getting a little short in the fuse, I guess. She was having her monthlies and the week before that, we were too worried about Jasper to be thinking of sex.

I grinned at Emmett, if only because of Jasper's positive response. His laugh was contagious and had us all laughing with him in seconds. I caught the knowing twinkle in Emmett's eyes. Clever ass. Emmett was a master jester, no doubting that.

"So..when are you guys going?" he asked again, after having recovered his senses.

"I'll probably stay in Forks this time," I mumbled almost unintelligibly. I knew what he was going to say next.

I could almost feel guilt bleeding from his pore again. Probably adding this one to the burgeoning guilt list on his cross already.

"No… no.. no.. you're not doing this to Bells. I appreciate your thoughtfulness Edward, but you guys just got engaged.. you have to fly back dude.." he stated a little stubbornly. Sometimes I wondered if Jasper was my brother or Bella's. Maybe I needed to remind him of the bands we used to wear back when we were kids. Dad stepped into Switzerland instantly. He knew better than to take sides, even if I knew he would have wanted us to be home for the moral support.

"I'll discuss with Bella ok? I'd like to be home this year if you don't mind," I muttered with an edge of stubborn laced in my voice as well. He raised his hands in truce immediately, mumbling something under his breath. Probably muttering profanities about me hovering like a clucking mother hen around his sorry ass.

I heard Emmett snickering next to me.

Whether he liked it or not, he would have to deal with me being a sick pain in the ass until he was better. If he thought I was a hovering mother hen, then I'd be a hovering mother hen.

To hell with this tough love shit. He was my brother and I loved him and he could use all the support he could get now. I was through with keeping the macho facade anyway. I nearly lost him. Manly pride was the last thing in my mind now.

"Jas..I know this is probably not easy for you to accept...but I love you and I nearly lost you. We all nearly did. You'll have to just get used to the fact that I am going to be hovering close by until you get better.. okay?" I said to him bluntly. The room was silent. I supposed that was quite an emotional statement for a room full of testosterone to handle.

His mouth was a straight line, and I saw his forehead crease deeply. I walked up to him and gave him a hug and realized instantly this was the release I needed. He pulled me just a little tighter before pulling away. _Thanks. _I thought I heard him murmur quietly.

"Besides, who else is going to keep your toes in line? No offense, but I hardly think Alice is the one to do the job – I see she's already blinded by your Amazing orbs," I teased, using the word she had used to describe Jasper's eyes many times while talking to Bells and Rosie. He colored deeply and thumped my shoulder hard.

Emmett couldn't hold his barrel of laughter anymore. He fell to the floor laughing while dad was shaking himself.

I returned to settle myself on the couch once more, chuckling quietly.

_And I mentally tightened the invisible band on my arm again._

***************

**_Emmet_****_t POV_**

The girls had gone out with mom today for a lunch date. We were all relieved. They needed this time to do some girl stuff together and just get out of this place. We had all been too holed up here for our own good. Rosie and I were heading back to Texas tomorrow for the rest of the week and mom had wanted to do something with all of them before we left.

Our family had certainly grown in numbers since Jasper's diagnosis. Somehow it felt complete with the addition of Rosie and now Alice. Mom seemed to have really warmed up to Alice at a quick rate. She had only been introduced to the family 3 weeks ago, under horrible circumstances and yet she was practically family now. Perhaps the Italian connection had something to do with it.

I liked Alice. It was hard not to instantly like her. First, there was her animated look. She really looked like she came straight out of a manga comic book or something – Spiky black hair, big almond gray eyes that she loved to smudge with eyeliners for some reason, a slightly celestial nose, heart shaped face with a cute pointy chin, and super tiny waist. She was a very pretty woman that just happened to come in midget size. And then there was her personality – slightly eccentric, bubbly, spoke a mile a minute. At first Edward and I did wonder how in the hell did our lanky brother fall for someone as small as her. She didn't look his type at all. She barely reached his chest. I could imagine kissing would be hard. But after having watched them have a conversation the day after his unplanned trip downstairs, having just woken up from a coma, I couldn't help but feel envious of them. Sure Rosie and I had something really hot going on, but there was something between Jasper and Alice that just spoke of magic somehow. They had a special connection that you wouldn't be able to necessarily see with a rough eye, but if you were observant enough, you'd sense it. I noticed that Alice seemed to tune out everything else when she spoke to Jasper, a few times she had blurted out things without even realizing that we were all there with them. Jasper was keener with his senses, but his thoughts and attention never once distracted from her either. It was amazing to watch how in sync they were and to think they had just really met in person recently. And then there was the constant touching. I could see that Jas was immensely soothed by her touch. I felt like a perve somewhat watching them interact, but I couldn't quite tear my eyes or ears away from them because I found it really mesmerizing. Whatever it was, magic or not, I was happy for Jas. I hadn't seen him this happy in years and he deserved it. He was totally besotted with her. And she with him. The way he looked, the radiance in his face, the lightness in his soul ever since Alice came, there was something about her that kept the darkness surrounding him at bay. I thought that maybe she gave him hope.

Hope for the future. God knows he needed that.

Edward had left to get some air he said. I wondered silently what was going on with that one. He seemed to be struggling still. 2 weeks down the line. Jasper was on the mend now; I seriously hoped he was not harping on the guilt thing still. So okay, he was still limping and he seemed to be having some pain in his abdomen a little, but he was alive and he was kicking. That was the important thing. Tomorrow's issue could be handled tomorrow. Eddie brooded too much for his own good. He was going to grow old much faster than myself at this rate.

"Help me up?" Jasper called me. I pushed aside my thoughts on Edward for the moment and eyed my other brother a little warily.

"What are you up to now?" I asked helping him to stand nevertheless. He smirked.

"Exercising…my ass is getting sore from lying on the bed," he responded honestly and started limping around, much to my worry. I resorted to following him two steps behind, just in case the idiot decided to fall over and hurt himself. I didn't want a repeat of his performance back at home when he fainted.

"Are you sure you're supposed to be walking on that leg yet?" I queried. He muttered about getting the circulation going. 2 weeks ago, while he was still unconscious, his feet looked like balloons. Thank God they were looking normal again. Except for the limp on his right leg and his tender abdomen, he seemed fairly alright now.

"Where's the private, colonel?" he asked me a second later. It took me a second to register he was using our call names from years ago back when we were still into war games and building forts and what not. I was the colonel, he was the major and tiny Edward was the private.

"He's out getting some air." I responded softly. If Jasper was curious, he didn't show it. We settled on talking about the wonderful memories of our happy, mischievous childhood years instead. I had to admit, we had a lot of fun growing up. Unlike city kids, mom and dad didn't like us staying indoors and we spent a lot of time outdoors. It helped that we were close to nature and had friends like Jacob and his cousins. My brothers and I were also naturally very imaginative, and we were very inventive with games. Lots of accidents too obviously. The one time, I even made a bomb which exploded quite badly. Jas ended up being concussed and Edward got bruised. I got my ass whooped by mom and dad.

Jas laughed at the memory now.

"Yeah.. back then you were crying like a sissy," I mentioned.

"I was 10 asswipe..and I was concussed!" he retorted in defense.

"I wonder if mom still has our treasure chest.." he wondered idly as he limped forward.

"Actually she has..it's in my room," I told him matter of fact. He turned round astonished. He didn't think I would just have them thrown out did he?

"Those were some of the best years I've had.. I couldn't just throw them away.." I admitted shamelessly of the hordes of memorable treasure that we had amassed growing up. I was half expecting him to make a smartass comment but he responded with a nostalgic smile instead.

"Can I tell you something and you won't tell Rose?"

"Shoot," I said neutrally.

"Even if Rosie was my sister, and I would welcome it if it turned out that she is, I couldn't really say that I regretted having grown up a Cullen. I have you and Edward, I couldn't have asked for better siblings to grow up with. I wouldn't trade you guys or our childhood memories for anything in the world," he said softly, gazing out at the Seattle skyline for a second.

_Fuck. Did he have to be so good with churning out these emotional stuff?_

"Damnit Jas.. now you've got me misty eyed," I responded annoyingly, rubbing my cheeks to make sure they were free of possible tear escapees even though my eyes had watered.

He looked at me again and chuckled softly. I could have sworn I saw his eyes glisten in the light a bit.

Many years ago, Jas made us arm bands that we wore in our war and fort games with Jacob and the gang. It was a symbol of us as being part of a team, a band of brothers so to speak. The physical bands may have been long gone, but to this day, I still had the invisible one on. And every time I started forgetting my roots, it would tighten reflexively and remind me again.

"Me neither Jas, me neither." I responded in kind to his earlier statement. The door opened just then and we saw dad and a somewhat rough looking Edward enter.

_Well..well…what happened to him?_

**************

**_JPOV_**

"Jas..I know this is probably not easy for you to accept...but I love you and I nearly lost you. We all nearly did. You'll have to just get used to the fact that I am going to be hovering close by until you get better.. okay?"

I was stunned to hear Edward make a speech like that, in front of dad and Emmett nonetheless. Even if he could get broody sometimes, he was very private about sharing it openly.

What spurred this on?

More importantly, what the fuck with this heavy pulling in my chest now?!

_Shit. Steady Jas._

If he didn't come over this next instant, I was sure the dam was going to burst open. This illness had done its number on me alright. I was a blubbering sissy now. Tweak my heart a little and I start crying. Pathetic much?

_Thank God._

I gave thanks silently when did come over and engulfed me in a firm hug. I hugged my baby brother tight in return. I owed him my life. I hadn't even thanked him properly for that.

"Thanks," I mumbled softly into his arm as he started pulling away.

I was more than grateful when he made a joke of it in the end, even if I did turn 2 shades deeper from it. If anything it helped still the tears threatening to overrun me.

I felt like the luckiest sick person in the center right now, if only because of the two constant in my life since I was four. My brothers. If it hadn't been for them, I wouldn't be here still. If Edward wasn't in the room with me that morning, if he had gone to the hotel as I had asked him to, I would have probably died, alone.

I felt the band around my arm tightened fractionally again. I smiled at the calming feeling that followed.

_We were a band of brothers alright. The best kind there was._

I would be reminded again and again of this invisible band that tied the three of us in the coming weeks and months. It just never occurred to me though that I could also easily lose either one of them just as easily as they could me.

* * *

A/N: heh..lemme know what you think guys?


	34. Home

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's not mine.

A/N: Just a note of apologies to my reviewers. I can't seem to use the reply button to reply to your reviews..something is wrong with FF ( or just my profile?). Just know that I so appreciate your inputs and will respond as soon as this problem is resolved. In the meantime, I am just glad I can upload again. Here is another long chapter for Alice and Jazz. A progress of their relationship begs to be addressed.

Summary: Alice finds a new place to call home.

* * *

**Chapter 24: Home**

_~Where Thou art, that is Home~_

_Emily Dickinson_

_July 31st_

**JPOV**

I was finally leaving the center, 1 month later. From spending two weeks, I ended up spending an extra three. Talk about overzealous.

No one was happier than I was when we finally packed my bags and left. I didn't intend to see the inside of this center in another month and a half at least. The extra half was my doing. Wringing for extra timeout with dad was a bit like playing chess, I checkmated him in the end. I knew he was worried for me, but I couldn't imagine having to get back in just another 4 weeks. I would die, I actually told him that. It was mean, but I got what I wanted. I was going to spend possibly the next three months in the center this next round. That was a bitter pill to swallow.

Alice had finally left for Italy 3 days ago. She would be back on Monday to stay with us in Forks. I would be lying if I said it wasn't one of the reasons why I was excited to get back home. Alice was spending time with me outside the confines of this dreary place! And I planned to make the most of my time with her. We hadn't even had a proper date yet and that definitely was on the checklist of things to do with her. I'd be damned if I didn't take my woman on a proper date at least once. She hadn't told me quite yet what her immediate future plan was, I knew she was probably going to have to look for a new job soon, where – that was the big question. Most probably New York. I would never stop her, but was it selfish of me to want her to stay by me until I got better? I would even hire her as my nurse if money was an issue to her. Of course, I didn't want to disrespect her either. She was a respectable graduate and I was thinking of hiring her as my nurse?

I wondered what she would think if I offered her that position?

Gah! I could already see the insulted look on her beautiful gray eyes.

_Desperate situations require desperate measures Jasper__…_

_But obviously that isn't one of them._

I sighed inwardly.

I had to take what I could. However long a time she could afford me, I should be grateful of that.

_Even if it's just a week?_

Even if it was just a week.

_Liar, liar pants on fire._

Did I even have a choice?

"You okay honey?" Mom asked me from up front. I answered her quietly and looked out of my window as dad drove away from the center.

"She'll be back soon," she said again, turning in her seat to look at me sweetly. I saw dad smile on the rear view mirror. I returned the smile sincerely, even if my heart was a little torn at the moment. Being in love could be a pain in the ass sometimes. I should know that.

Edward would be flying back sometime next week with Bella. They were heading back to Phoenix for a few days and taking a direct flight to Washington afterwards. Bella insisted on coming. She would not have it any other way either. I guess the house was going to be quite merry this time around. Great. I could use the company; it would keep the boredom and bad thoughts away.

I spoke to mom and dad about my sleeping arrangement with Alice the very night. I was 22 and therefore old enough to make my own decisions, but it felt rude to just make a decision like that when this was their home. Dad looked at me amusedly. I must have colored a little, even as my hand went up to scratch my bald head nervously as I waited for mom to respond.

"Oh honey…it's really sweet that you sought our blessing first…I'm so pleased." Mom cooed and she pulled my face for a peck instantly.

"Of course she can stay in your room, but you better not be having too many late night business going on.. you need your rest," she said bluntly, even though her eyes had that little gleam of mischief in them. I bit my lips to keep from moaning . Could this get any more embarrassing? Dad just burst into laughter.

"What?" mom said feigning innocence, before giving me the smirk.

Truth be told, I wasn't sure if I was quite ready for that. Ready for Alice to see me without the protective cover of my clothes. She'd seen my skinny backside, but that was it. I didn't even want to think what she thought of that. I had lost so much weight since I was diagnosed, I couldn't even look at myself sometimes without cringing. But that was just part of the problem. Until mom mentioned it, I hadn't even thought of her body that way…until now.

"Uhh..I better go and..uhm clean my room then," I stammered an excuse quickly and turned on my heels and headed upstairs as fast as my legs could carry me.

I was nearly hyperventilating by the time I reached the safety of my room. Partly from the exertion of having to climb up the flight of stairs, partly from the new realization that had just hit me.

She was a woman in her prime.

She would have needs.

Right now…I wasn't exactly a model for the young, sexually active and sexually hungry youth. Even if I did fit the age description perfectly.

5 – 6 months ago, when I had first met Alice, I might have been that then. But the regimen of medication, the stress of having to battle this disease almost on a daily basis, the chemo – they had all done their numbers on me. I hadn't had a sexual thought in months. I didn't think I was even capable of getting the stick up even if I tried. _Fuck. _I had no libido. Period. Chemo had fucking killed that for me. Foremost in my thoughts these days were keeping my moods in check, keeping myself hygienically clean at all times and getting as much rest as I could get. Fatigue had become my new best friend next to those dark dreams that kept me awake some nights.

_Oh Shit._

What was Alice going to think about this? More importantly – was she going to try? If she did and I couldn't, what would happen then? Would she feel slighted? Would she rethink about us?

Whether I was ready to speak about it or not, I had to discuss this with Alice. She was in my life now; she had basically moved continents and uprooted herself from everything secure and safe to her to be with 'me' – insecure, unstable me. She deserved more than anything to know what was on the table for her.

I wanted to cry, for her. She was already giving up so much for me.

She deserved so much more. So much more than I could give her now.

I was a fucking selfish prick.

_And you hate yourself for that don't you?_

I did.

************

_August 3 onwards_

**_Alic_****_e POV_**

When I had returned from my week in Italy, I stayed with the Cullens. As was expected, I bunked with Jasper. He wouldn't have it any other way. Secretly, I wouldn't have it any other way either. I was glad Esme and Carlisle weren't the conservative types. Understandably, our relationship was very new, and I supposed under normal circumstances, it could be construed as weird that I would be sharing a bed with Jasper when we hadn't really even dated yet. I wanted to laugh at the strangeness of our relationship, how it had turned out. We went from being occasional Starbucks buddies to telephone buddies to lovers – all without having gone through a single date.

_Hah! Alice Brandon was never one for conventional romances. This included!_

Did I regret that it skipped the exciting part? I suppose I probably would have enjoyed the chasing, the charming and sweeping off of one's feet part of a relationship, that was always fun, but did I regret falling in love with Jasper anyhow? Honestly? No. In a weird sort of way, it made me feel that our love was really special to have us met the way we did.

He was special.

_He was the very air that I breathed. I could not exist without him._

To say that I was shocked to see the Cullen's home at first was an understatement of sort. My jaw pretty much dropped. I had no idea they were that well off. They were obviously very modest about their wealth. Jasper had never mentioned anything about it in our conversations. It was a beautiful spatial postmodernist home elegantly juxtaposed with elements of Italian décor – Italian travertine kitchen and bathrooms, warm colors in the bedrooms and living areas, not to mention the various decorative pieces placed about around the house. The wide open spaces created a feeling of freedom and easy flowing lifestyle; but the homely Italian touches turned it into a warm and inviting haven; a perfect complement for the loving and tight knitted family that the Cullens have shown themselves to be in the short time I had gotten to know them. I could tell that Esme was the chief decorator of the house, her touches were visible everywhere.

"Mom moonlights as a freelance decorator sometimes," Jasper mentioned to me with a wriggle of his eyebrows. Strangely enough, his eyebrows have stayed on even when all his locks had gone now.

"Note to self, hire Jasper's mom when we move in to our own house," I murmured absently as I traced the beautiful pattern on the ceramic vase sitting on a console table in the living area. Hands went to my mouth 2 seconds later. _What d__id I just say?!_

"I mean.. I didn't mean….I wasn't implying…anything!" I blurted embarrassingly. He was silent and a sad smile came to his face somehow. The embarrassment left me and was replaced by guilt instead.

"It's okay sunshine.." A warm smile replaced the former now. He pulled my hand and closed the distance between us, pulling me flush to his chest. He kissed my forehead.

"I love the fact that you think of our future," he muttered softly to me and pulled me closer still. I looked up at him and thought I saw his eyes water. My brows knitted, my fingers found purchase around his back, pulling him closer to my body.

"Jasper… don't go there angel, stay here, with me," I whispered. I didn't have to be a psychic to know what he was thinking. I mentally chastised myself for leading him there. According to Esme and pretty much everyone else, they'd never seen him happier than when I arrived. But it didn't take much to trigger the dark thoughts still lingering inside his mind, even if he tried very hard to hide them from everyone. We stayed embraced like that for a while until I felt the worry leave his body and he relaxed again.

"Come, let's go to my room," he urged, a warm smile that reached his eyes appearing on his face finally. I perked up with him and skipped along even as he strode lazily with me towards the stairs.

**_~ Where Thou Dost, is Delight~_**

Jasper's room was exactly as I pictured it to be. Relaxed and easy. A huge wall to wall bookcase and media center was custom built into the wall where the door was, his study desk of dark mahogany was sitting opposite his bed closest to the sliding door leading into a private balcony overlooking a forested landscape. To the right diagonally across the door was the bathroom, and opposite the bathroom door was a huge closet. My room in Italy couldn't fit an ottoman even if I tried to squash it in; Jazz had two huge comfy armchairs in cream and on two opposite corners of his room. The dark wood pieces of furniture in the spacious room were offset by the light yellow coloring of the walls with charcoal gray trimmings on the cornices. I wondered if he chose yellow to remind him of Texas. I liked it because it reminded me of sunshine. Warm and light. The plush padded headboard for the low King size bed was built against the wall, and it was of a darker charcoal color. His bed was bereft of any clutter and unnecessary adornments that most girls would normally have. Pristine white sheets. The only extra adornment was an old looking patchwork quilted throw at the foot of his bed. The quilt made all the difference. From making the room look like it came straight out of Home Living or Conde Nast, it gave the room a signature feel that was decidedly Jasper. The walls were quite bare except for the wall above his desk. Here there was a collage of pictures – a few childhood pics of him and his brothers, a family picture that looked recent, and the rest seemed like odd experimentation with his camera. He was very good. I knew someone in Italy who would absolutely hire him based on these alone.

"You're a photographer as well?" I quipped, pointing at the pictures. He waved a hand in the air, as if dismissing the talent that was so obvious from the pictures themselves.

"Product of boredom and wild imagination," he answered. I told him what I thought.

"If ever you're interested, let me know, I'll introduce you to Cesar. He'd absolutely love you." I said smilingly.

He obviously enjoyed reading, judging from the collection of books he had in his room. His tastes seemed varied – from classics to historical volumes, even a few rows of recent fictional works. I was pretty pleased when he pulled out an old copy of my favorite book – Adventures of Alice in Wonderland.

"One of my favorites too," he had told me when we spoke about it in one of our telephone conversations months ago. I had my first copy when I was 9. The first few times of reading it, I had enjoyed it purely for the sense of adventure that Alice went through in her time in Wonderland. But as I grew up and continued returning to it, I started picking up interesting life themes and lessons from the story. I still returned to it every now and then, and sure enough, I always got a refreshing new perspective of life after reading it.

"In my humble opinion, the genius about Alice in Wonderland is how it brilliantly imparts stark realities of life in the guise of a children's fairytale," he said to me as I skimmed the pages quickly.

I couldn't help but agree with him. I beamed.

"What's the moon-face for?" he asked teasingly as he touched my nose with an elegant finger.

"You're such an intellectual…I love it," I chimed. I did. I loved the fact that he wasn't just a pretty face. There was real brain power behind all that gorgeousness. He laughed.

"Then you won't mind that I wear glasses then," he stated. My eyes widened. I didn't know this! I had always had a secret fetish for men in glasses. Not thick ones obviously. I almost jumped in glee. He looked at me as if I had sprouted wings or a second head.

"Don't tell me… you…think men in glasses are..sexy?" He queried, raising an eyebrow. I nodded excitedly. He let out a deep chesty laugh before pulling me close to him again.

"Well… I guess I will have to please you with a show don't I?" he offered. I nodded excitedly, again. He went to his desk and fished out a black case from the top drawer. Moments later, I absolutely melted at the sight of him wearing the sexiest pair of retro _Wayfarer _styled black framed reading glasses. I actually had to wipe drool off my mouth. He was shaking in laughter at the sight of me turning into a puddle of water.

"So uhmm..do you wear glasses every time or just when you're reading?' I asked curiously. He found that statement funny because he laughed again, before filling me in with details. Only when required, when his eyes tended to get a little tired. "I can usually get away with it," he explained.

"Don't mind me saying this, but you're the sexiest "nerd" I've ever laid my eyes on," I blurted honestly. He ruffled my hair before kissing my hand softly. We were half lying on his bed by now; well I was lying fully, kicking my legs up in the air occasionally, while his feet were still planted on the floor.

**_~Bondage as Play – Be Sweet~_**

"And you are a weird pixie," he muttered teasingly. I gave him a mock glare and a sexy pout. A mischievous glint sprung into his eyes suddenly and before I even registered it, he made a grab for me and pulled me into a tight lock in between his arms and legs and started tickling me furiously. I freaking nearly peed in my panties and had snot in my nose from his 'rough handling' before he finally let up. He was laughing so hard that I didn't have the heart to be angry at him.

We spent the remaining hours before dinner talking and resting in his room. When he took a nap, I stayed in bed with him and read silently.

I had decided to take a sabbatical from work until he was through with the transplant. There was no way in hell I could afford to stay away from him while he went through the last leg of his treatment.

"Are you sure about this?" He asked me seriously. I had thought about this in Italy long and hard. I had some money saved up and there was my apartment in Italy that I had put up for sale. Dad had bought it for me when I went back to study and had put the deed under my name. A gift he said. It was high time I returned home anyway. Italy had been home for a long while, but it wasn't anymore. I realized that the day I returned to work from my two months stint in New York in March. My home was somewhere else now.

"Somehow, I feel really bad for what you have to put up with, with this," he muttered a little sadly. I scooted close to him. We were sitting up on the bed again.

**_~Imprisonment – Content~_**

"Jazz...I want to be here with you," I spoke as I lifted his chin up slightly so I could look at him eye to eye. He looked so guilty.

"I really, really want to be here with you," I said again, running my fingers across his cheek now. His tiny pout was begging to be kissed. I shook my head internally and forced my eyes to stare at other things.

"Your mom could use a friend," I supplied when he didn't answer. He smiled a little. It was enough.

"I'm sorry Alice, it's just that…you sacrifice a lot for me..everyone does..but you have done a lot.." he murmured and pulled my head close to plant a kiss on the on my forehead.

"Angel, don't say that.. I'm doing all this purely for selfish reasons.." I responded, grinning. I was being truthful. The cheer seemed to return to his face.

"And how is that?" he asked curiously, a glint of mischief returning to his beautiful eyes.

"Well…..I'm just nursing you back to health…so I can have my evil ways with you later," I twinkled cheekily. I happened to have some first-hand info about how gorgeous he was in the buff. Bella apparently had seen him naked a few times. He laughed out loudly now and ran his hand over my hair again, ruffling it messily as we rolled back in bed playfully. Then for a second, I saw that same distant, sad look on his face again. It was fleeting and if I hadn't been paying attention, I would have missed it, but my senses, as it were, were radio tuned to him, so I didn't.

"Jazz?" I prompted. The look behind his eyes disappeared instantly.

"There's something… I need to speak to you about, but it can wait," he answered, flashing me a tender smile. My forehead creased minutely. I wished I could just block out all the dark thoughts that passed through his mind every now and then, if only to prevent him from being affected by them. I hated seeing him sad, even for a second.

I told Esme and Carlisle about my decision that evening.

"I would like to stay… close by.. if it's not a problem.." I said meekly. I had thought about finding a place nearby perhaps but was secretly hoping they would offer lodging to me. I didn't expect such a response from either of them. Esme practically cried as she hugged me. And I even saw Carlisle's eyes water a little.

"Sweetheart, that is the best news I've heard in days…I'd love for you to be here with us, with Jasper.." she said to me sincerely.

"Our home is your home Alice… that's my only condition," Carlisle said sternly before he hugged me tightly. I was so right about the Cullens being a warm and loving family. I practically felt like one already. When I looked at Jasper, he was radiating with untold joy. Seeing him look so happy was enough to send me across to Jupiter and back.

I couldn't quite believe it but I was like a nervous bride on her first night when we finally capped for the night. It was actually still pretty early for me; if anyone knew me, I was a night owl. But Jasper looked about ready to roll over in the couch and sleep so I pulled his hand and motioned him towards the room.

I took forever in the bathroom it seemed. I wasn't quite sure what the proper attire was. I usually slept with camisoles and satin shorts and sometime naked, but I had brought my jammies just in case. I didn't want to impose any ideas to him that I was wanting something. We hadn't discussed the specifics of that "particular" girl-boy issue yet, if only because it really was the last thing in my mind since I came here. Sure I thought he was sexy, he melted me, his lips were kissable blah blah blah, but it hadn't cross my mind yet – getting into the action with him. For some reason, I actually felt glad that it wasn't the first thing that crossed my mind, that I didn't see him purely as an object of sexual desire, a piece of meat if you would. That alone made him different to the men I'd slept with in the past.

Now that I was thinking of it though, I felt a longing in between my legs that could only mean one thing.

_Shit._

I had seen his backside by accident that day. He was awfully skinny, but I was willing to bet that if he had been healthier, I would have been more than approving of said ass. Even in his skinny form, he had definition. Not the ugly non-ass look that kids seemed to love flashing these days. He would look absolutely hot in low riders. Or even skinnies – he could get away with the rock star artist look easily.

_Alice Brandon!! Please concentrate! Jammies or camisoles! Not low- riders or skinn__ies!_

I grinned to myself.

_Especially not ass. Not Jasper's ass._

I shook my head and looked down at my choices again. Neither looked very enticing.

I peered out of the bathroom door quickly. He was lying on the bed waiting for me in sweatpants and a white shirt, book in hand. Looking absolutely divine in his sexy nerd glasses.

"Jazzy? Can I borrow a shirt?"

A wide grin appeared on his face. He got up and strode to the closet opposite the bathroom door and started ruffling through his stuff immediately. He pulled out an old looking T shirt. A rock T shirt.

"How very umm… convenient.." I mused, smiling at him.

"It's one my favorite. I like Dave Grohl. Brilliant artist. Plays everything."

I wondered quietly if he was just a listener or if he played a bit as well. I noticed that there was a grand piano downstairs. I decided to shelve the questions for later and just focus on getting myself ready for bed first.

"Thank you then…I'll be out shortly.." I said chirpily and winked at him.

I came out 2 minutes later, my satin shorts underneath Jasper's massive T – shirt. It was a size S, but still way too big for my shoulders.

"This okay with you?" I asked a little unsure as I stood there in front of him. I would change into my jammies if he preferred that.

"Are you comfortable?" He asked sincerely, the grin earlier seemingly permanent on his face. I nodded.

"Then I am A- Okay Ms Alice. I like seeing you in my clothes," he chuckled. I jumped to bed instantly, just missing his crossed feet. He let out a wonderful laugh that sent love arrows to my heart. I scuttled over to the left before he pulled me up to his side and ran a finger along the bridge of my nose gently. When he reached the tip of it, I wrinkled it slightly in playful response. The ringing laugh filled the room again. His finger landed on my lips next and I kissed it chastely.

And then suddenly, suddenly - it was his lips against mine.

_I saw stars, planets, heaven._

My body moved of its own volition now, orbiting my sun, my center. His kiss was soft, hard, light, pressing, slow and urgent all at the same time. He nibbled on my lower lip with his. I nibbled his upper lip between mine. I didn't dare open my mouth. My fingers were grazing his cheeks, his jaw. I opened my eyes and saw his blue eyes gazing at me at the same time. It was unnerving to be so close to those amazing orbs, and yet, and yet, so natural and right as well. I felt his fingers tracing my jawline, running down my neck, going up to trace my ear, and landing in my hair, flexing against my scalp.

He breathed into my mouth. Breathed my name out. I shook from the visible tremors that came with him saying my name out and I felt fires starting where his fingers graced their touches on my skin.

"Jazz.." I moaned into his mouth. Same second I felt his tongue dart across and grazed the tip of my tongue. And darting deeper. I felt my tongue flitting out to dart into his.

I pulled back. Heart hammering inside me. He looked startled for a second, and my reassuring hand touched his face at once. _I am not rejecting __you._

"Jazz..I.. I.. don't want you to get sick?" I half stated, half asked anxiously. As if on cue, the dream in the plane flashed to memory again somehow and I cringed my eyes closed without intending to.

I felt his touch immediately.

"Hey, hey..it's okay Alice," soothing voice penetrated my worried mind, trying to ease me.

"What if, what if I pass a bacteria or a cold virus to you? I..I don't want to expose you to anything Jazz…"

_It'll kill me..._

I looked at him agitatedly. It was a real possibility and it freaking scared me that something as harmless as us kissing could hurt him. What if I had a dormant virus inside me? No harm to me but to him? Wasn't the septic shock a warning enough?

I felt like I could cry right now.

I was seriously spoiling our moment but there was nothing in hell I could do about it. Nothing!

And the painful truth was, this was only the second kiss we've had in the last 3 weeks that our relationship had progressed into something more solid. We had had a peck here and there due to the lack of privacy in the center, nothing like the first one he gave me and fucking nowhere close to the one we just had.

"Alice, baby? Will you look at me?" He asked earnestly.

I could not say no to _that_ voice, EVER.

"Look, we don't have to do anything like that..if it scares you," he ushered softly, fingers resting on my jaw.

"But I do want to…" I almost wailed like a child. He obviously found it funny because he bit his lower lip then, trying to hold a grin from coming. I nearly scowled. This wasn't remotely funny. _It was life and death!_ Well to me it was. He opened his legs wide and pulled me closer between his thighs until I was almost on his lap.

"If I told you that I have Dr R's and my dad's words that we can definitely kiss and do 'stuff' safely without you possibly killing me…" I swatted him now, hard.

"That's not funny! Take it back…please?" I was a little peeved at his 'killing him' remark for obvious reason, but my voice had turned to soft pleading at the end of my sentence.

"I'm sorry my love, I take it back.." he said apologetically but the smirk was definitely there. He was enjoying riling me up.

"But to get back to where I was saying, yes we can definitely kiss, make out, all of the above," as he said it he made a gesture with his hand in the air,"…providing that my _neutrophil_ counts and platelet counts are within safe limits," he explained in almost a doctor manner.

"And that is?" I asked. He spat numbers to me. He might as well have been talking Klingon because I understood nothing. So I asked him the next best question to get the answer I needed.

"Are your numbers good now? And don't lie please?" I asked, inserting a little warning of my own there. Blue eyes looked into my gray ones intently. _Yes._

I trusted him.

"So..uhm..you think we can try again?" he asked sweetly now. He needn't ask twice then. I practically launched at him. We kept our kisses chaste most of the time, letting our fingers do the exploring instead. A few times I did taste him. He was tart and sweet at the same time, like orange and there was a hint of metallic there. It wasn't acrid, only a little strange. I reveled in the sound that his throat was making though, he was moaning as he explored my mouth, as our tongues played tango. When we finally surfaced from our wonderland for the last time, my leg was hitched over his slim waist, fingers underneath his shirt, his hand was cupping my bottom where his fingers had been tracing lazy circles on my skin for the last 10 – 20 minutes. We had gone from sitting upright to laying side by side facing each other, our foreheads nearly touching. I could feel my heart fluttering behind my ribcage. I could almost hear his.

I looked at him for the longest time it seemed. Committing his beautiful gaze into memory.

"I love you,"

We laughed. We had both said it in the same instant this time.

His fingers played two steps on my breastbone and my hand tried to catch him now. Silence gracing our presence again.

His face became serious suddenly. I tensed. Was something wrong?

"Sunshine… there's something ..I need to speak to you about.." he said hesitantly. I looked at him easily. _Speak my love. _

**_~And Sentence – Sacrament~_**

We weren't going to be having sex anytime soon.

He went into the explanation in detail, even though I could see he seemed a bit embarrassed and even guilty by it. I listened without interrupting him, sensing he needed this explaining more than I did. When he finally finished, I opened my mouth.

"Jazzy…I understand…and please don't...feel bad about it. I didn't come knocking at your door without an inkling of idea of what to expect."

"And honestly, I haven't thought about that either.." I finished.

"Really?" He asked, sounding a little affronted suddenly. I giggled. _Men. So predictable when it came to this._

"I don't mean it that way angel… It's just that – _this_," I circled the air above us and continued,

"Sex isn't the sum of what we have here… It's more than just that, you know what I mean?" I looked at him meaningfully. His eyes told me that he understood, and felt the same way.

"When we're both ready…well….let's just say we won't be seeing the sun for some time," I wriggled my eyebrows mischievously and he laughed. I giggled into him again. He kissed my head lovingly before pulling slightly away to look into my face once more. Tears now glistened in those orbs. I gasped softly.

"Why are you crying angel?" I asked, my voice cracking a little at the sight of him looking so sad.

"What did I do to deserve you?" he whispered softly; face creasing between the brows slightly. I pulled his hand to my chest and let him feel the slightly rapid fluttering there. It was Icarus launching, flapping his golden wings.

"This… You do this to me.." I responded easily. His palm pressed a little harder against my breastbone, feeling my heartbeat. Committing it to his own memory.

"I've… never felt like this before… Ever.. I owe it to you," I explained, my eyes going misty on their own accord. A little smile appeared on his face then, even as his eyes closed and the silent tears finally escaped his beautiful lashes. I pulled myself closer to him and kissed the tears away willingly, tasting the saltiness of them. His hand came up behind my neck and over my head again, fingers running through my hair in soothing strokes once more.

He pulled the duvet over us and we settled to sleep finally, him flat on his back, me on my side; my leg slung over his waist and my head lying on the side of his chest. His arm was wrapped around my shoulder. I was right where I wanted to be.

**_~Just We Two – Meet~_**

************

I didn't know why it was that I woke up in the middle of the night but I was glad that I did. Moonlight streamed into the room from the sliding door. Jasper liked to leave the heavy curtains open for some reason. I didn't mind it now because it gave me the chance to observe his sleeping face at this moment.

_You are one lucky woman Alice Brandon._

I sighed quietly. I was lucky. Jasper was a special person. Leukemia or no Leukemia.

I could have probably watched him sleep forever but I suddenly needed to use the bathroom so I quietly crept out of bed and ran to relieve myself quickly. I was just sliding myself back under the duvet when I heard the soft cry coming from his form. He had turned over to face the other side in the time that I was in the bathroom. I leaned over to look at his face and sure enough I could see the pained crease on them.

"Jazz?" I said softly but loud enough for him to hear. My hand reached over to shake his shoulder gently.

He was lost in his dream, or rather his nightmare. My heart cracked a little when I saw the crease deepened, and were those tears?

I shook him harder still, wanting to wake him up from this nightmare that was making him cry. My hand reached over to his face.

"Jasper, wake up angel…" I whispered a little louder to his ear. It took a few minutes of shaking and whispering to him before he stirred awake in a soft strangled gasp. He was shaking visibly.

"Shhh..baby..it's okay, it's okay, it was just a dream, just a dream.." I assured softly as he drew a shaky breath to calm himself down. I pulled at his shoulder so he could turn and face me again. He instinctively curled close to me. I welcomed it. He looked positively shaken from whatever dream he'd had. I didn't press him for details; there was no sense in asking him to relive the nightmare for my sake.

I settled for looking into his eyes instead and listening to his breathing calm down, even as he looked into my worried ones. His right hand and my left one were clasped together on the pillow space between our faces. When I made to pull my hand so I could rub his shoulder, he held it tighter still, unwilling to relinquish it.

"Don't let go please," he murmured softly as his eyes flickered close again. My heart twisted at the sheer pleading in his voice.

"I won't my love..I'm here.. I'm here…" I replied instantly, squeezing his hand gently. I threw my leg over his waist again and pulled myself even closer to his form, until our foreheads touched. I felt his body relax perceptibly the moment he felt contact.

"I'm here baby…you're safe," I breathed to his face softly. I stayed watching him sleep until my own tiredness took over.

Morning came and he seemed to have forgotten the nightmare I had witnessed him have the night before.

His morning routine was standard. His bathroom vanity was neatly arranged with medication he had to take morning and evening. I caught him giving himself a shot on his thigh. He looked apologetic when he saw my face.

"Sorry babe…" He ushered. I waved a hand at him and entered the bathroom.

"If you show me, I can help you with that next time," I told him. I thought, I might as well learn. It was the growth factor shot that helped to regenerate new blood cells in his marrow. This was the thing that gave him bone pain and nosebleeds sometimes. I found it a little ironic that medication that was supposed to help him ended up hurting him in some other way. It was as if all he was doing was countering one poison with another, trying to achieve just enough balance of it in his body so neither could kill him. It was sickening, come to think of it. I shook my head internally and let the morbid thinking disappear, I didn't see the point in giving them power over my mind. And I watched quietly as he administered the shot.

When he was done, I asked him if he wanted to shower with me.

I was being a little brazen, I knew, but well we were two adults. We weren't going to have sex anytime soon, but I didn't see why we had to be shy around each other. He seemed a little hesitant and shy for some reason. So I didn't pressure him.

"Baby..no pressure okay? But I would like to shower…" I said softly to him and ran my fingers soothingly down his sides again. I tippy toed as high as I could and he came half way to meet me as we kissed chastely again.

I was 5 minutes into the shower when I heard the knock on the glass door.

"Hey...can I join you?" he asked a little shyly. I didn't think my grin could get any wider. I cocked my head to gesture him to get inside and I nearly slipped on my ass when he took the towel off.

Suffice to say, Bella was spot on. I was ogling the moment the towel was gone.

Even if he was a little thin, I could see the beautiful shape that he embodied. He had a swimmer's physique. Broad toned shoulders, streamlined torso that went in slightly in the hip, forming a V ..uhmm you know where. I kept my eyes peeled away from said part. His leg muscles were defined, even if they were fairly slim at the moment. It was visible to see he took care of his body before the sickness took over.

"Sorry…haven't been exercising for a while.." He said apologetically, but I caught the definite smirk on his face. He had caught my appreciative drooling obviously. I blushed a deep red. He crossed the little space between us and his hands ran down my own naked body gently, making me hyperaware of my own nakedness suddenly. I twitched every time his fingers touched a new spot. I stared at the taped sealed port on his chest in the end, trying to keep my thoughts as blank as possible, if only to still Icarus from taking off prematurely.

"Sunshine..you okay?" He whispered to me when I had kept quiet for quite some time. I could only hum 'uhmm" at him because I was trying valiantly to still my uncontrollable twitching.

_Now who's the shy one?!_

"You're..beautiful. So beautiful." He murmured as he pulled me closer. I instantly melted in his embrace and his soothing assurance. My heart calmed down instantaneously.

"So are you.." I looked up to him, smiling like a fool.

He let out a hearty chuckle.

"And here I was worried what you might be thinking of me…" He teased. I swatted his shoulder lightly in return.

"I love you Alice."

I let my body answer him this time. I hugged him tightly and kissed his bare chest. Peppered it with kisses. The tears came down freely as I looked up at him endearingly; a peaceful smile on my face to let him know that I was crying happy tears. The look on his face mirrored what I was feeling.

**_ ~Where Thou Art, That is Home~_**

I was home.

I was finally home.

And I could feel that he was too.

* * *

A/N: I hope you guys liked this. Please leave me some thoughts!!

Words in bold are not mine ~ excerpt from Emily Dickinson's poem : Where thou Art, that is Home~


	35. A Truth Unfold

Disclaimer: Original characters are SM's.

A/N: Yeah so I have been playing with so many filler chapters that I probably messed this up.. anyway, so here is a filler for you guys.

Summary: Esme spills the beans after an incident.

* * *

**Filler 11: A Truth Unfold**

**_Alice POV_**

We decided to relax indoors this afternoon, having pursued quite a lot of outdoor activities the last few days. Jasper was looking a little pale again, and I knew he was in need of top ups soon. A little rest was in order. The guys were more than happy to accede to my quiet request that we chilled today, even though I knew Emmett would have probably wanted to drive up to La Push and the reservation and show us one of their favorite childhood haunts before the end of their brief stay with us.

Jasper was currently lying on the couch with his legs on my lap, taking a nap, a light blanket covering his form. I sat with my legs curled up reading my book even as Edward and Emmett were engrossed in yet another chess match. I couldn't be bothered to watch them play; I was no Russian and had no understanding of how to play the game. Bella and Rosie were on the floor in the center of the lounge discussing the current series playing on TV – a new vampire series from the looks of it.

I yawned after a while. The book was not keeping my attention today. I decided to haunt the kitchen instead, thinking we could use some snacks right now. I wasn't a cook, I probably fared even worse than Jazz, but I was however great at making finger snacks. All I needed was an oven, some grated cheddar or mozarella cheese, tuna, some peppers or chilies, mayonnaise, bread or crackers and voila.

"Oohh goodie…food!" Emmett trilled when I came out 15 minutes later bringing my quick baked goodies. I laughed in response. Rosie stood up to help me and I told her instead to grab the non alcoholic punch I made to go with the snacks.

"I didn't know you could cook Alice?" Edward mused as he popped one into his mouth. By the look on his face, he approved of my little creation. Emmett was already stuffing himself. I grinned, muttering a quick thanks as I settled myself on the floor with the girls now. Bella was scrolling through the channels again.

"Ooh..Gossip Girls.. Let's watch this!" Rosie exclaimed as she passed glasses of punch around before plopping down on the cushion next to me.

We must have been 15 minutes into the episode when I heard Jasper's sudden cry and my head snapped back to where he was lying behind me. He jerked and tossed on the couch frantically even as I scrambled to get to him. Edward was quicker though and was beside him, nudging him awake instantly.

"Jas, wake up, wake up," he ushered, shaking his shoulders gently. A second or two later, he finally woke up, gasping as usual. His eyes were watery and he looked absolutely distressed. I reached out to touch him immediately, remembering how my contact soothed him before, but it did nothing to placate his distress now.

He called for Esme.

"Mom?! Where's mom… where's mom?" he said desperately, eyes wild and bleary. I couldn't help but catch the pained look in Edward's face as he tried to calm Jasper down and wondered if he knew about his dreams and how they haunted his sleep. Everyone looked concerned. Emmett disappeared to get Esme from outside immediately and she came flying back in, calling Jasper's name. He nearly collided with Edward trying to get to her but Edward had pushed him down gently back into the couch, telling him to calm down. The moment she was in front of him though, his hands were on her arms and her face instantly and he pulled her to him and embraced her forcefully, shaking visibly. The next sentence that came out of his mouth shocked us all.

"Promise me....mom…promise me you won't do a..anything ...stt...stupid if something happens to me??" He stammered in between tears, pale face marred with unspeakable grief, and he was almost shaking her in his grip. At his words, Esme's eyes widened and her face drained of color instantly, as if she'd seen a ghost, before her face broke into tears.

"Mom! Promise..me," He pleaded again, anguished blue eyes looking into her brown eyes in utter despair. I didn't think he even registered we were there anymore. The sheer pleading in his voice was enough to make even Emmett shed tears. When he had her nodding her head finally, she was back in his tight embrace, his shaky hand rubbing her sob wracked body with such desperate intensity that I had to tear myself away from looking any further. I had never seen Jas look as devastated as he was now and my heart ached heavily for him.

For the rest of the hour, before Carlisle came flying in, he would not relinquish her from his hold. Esme seemed to look just as troubled as he was. The rest of us sat around them dazed and perplexed by what had happened. It was not until supper had passed before the boys were called into Carlisle's office. When they came out at last, I was not the only one who noticed that they were all teary eyed. As if some news had just been passed to them. Only later did I find out what it was that really happened today.

****************

**_Bella POV_**

My heart went to Jasper when he made that plea to Esme. I didn't know what his dream could have been this time, but it was clearly distressing him a lot for him to openly cry like that. If I had been surprised at seeing Jasper, I was shocked at the look on Esme's face. She looked as if she'd seen a ghost or something the moment Jasper opened his mouth.

What was going on here?

Even when he had finally calmed down, he wouldn't let go of her. And I could see that Esme was also acting a little odd. Edward and Emmett looked very troubled by what they were seeing. One of them had called Carlisle and for him to have returned home quickly for this; it was obvious that there was something more to this than just another nightmare.

_***********_

**_Edward POV_**

The moment I heard his soft cry I was there beside him trying to wake him from his nightmare. I had caught him only once since Bella told me that he was troubled by bad dreams. If it hurt then, it hurt even now to see him caught in his nightmare like this. I shook him awake even as he tossed and turned. The distress in his eyes, on his face was evident when he finally came to.

He called for mom desperately; why was he suddenly desperate to see her? I was glad for Emmett's quick response because he went to fetch mom immediately. Jas was clamoring for mom the moment she was in his line of sight. I had never seen him so frantic for mom's presence until now. The words he blurted out shortly after shocked me. Mom's face after that shocked me even further. She looked as if she'd seen a ghost.

Emmett called dad. He obviously felt it was important to let dad know. Dad was coming home. That was even more shocking. Was there something else here than just a bad dream?

Mom stayed with Jas until dad came. Only then did she let go of Jas's hold and handed him to Alice. I felt for Jas. He seemed really perturbed by his dream. Did he dream of mom hurting herself? That was what he said right? Surely he didn't think that mom was capable of that. I almost wanted to go and allay his worry myself.

***********

I was shocked when mom told us her story. I didn't expect this. Who would have known behind that beautiful happy face that I had seen all of my 22 years, was a story as dark as this?

Instantly I understood why she had totally lost it that day when Jasper had stopped breathing. It was Alex all over again.

_Oh God._ _The horror of what she had gone through that day. And every single day since the day he was diagnosed. How could she bear this?_

If I didn't think Jas could appear more distressed or hurt, I was wrong. When mom finally told us about Alex, he was totally devastated by it. And I could the burden of guilt he was carrying.

I struggled to still my own breaking heart even as I watched him beg our mom for her word now.

*************

**_JPOV_**

My heart clenched tightly inside my chest even as mom told her story to Emmett, Edward and myself in dad's office this evening.

The day when I had told them about my cancer flashed into my mind again. I could never forget that look on her face. I understood it now.

_Oh __God – I understood it all now._

I had unwittingly caused her to relive her nightmare. In the last 6 months, my illness had caused her much pain. Too much.

"Mom…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" I cried as I hugged her tightly. Nothing, nothing I could say or do could ever take away the pain that I had caused her, and was causing her still.

"You.... you won't do that again will you?" I asked worriedly now. If something were to happen to me, I wouldn't be able to handle it if she did something to herself again. She stood there looking at me tearfully. She wouldn't!

"You can't do that to Edward, Emmett or dad… you hear me? Please promise me mom…."

_Oh God Oh God what did I do?_

****************

**_Emmett POV_**

I wanted to get out of this room right now. The look on Jas's face; the pleading in his voice was just too much for me to handle.

I felt Edward's hold on my shoulder and I welcomed it for once even as I tried to hold my own tears from falling.

"You can't do that to Edward, Emmett or dad… you hear me? Please promise me mom…"

My face cracked. My eyes closed on their own accord and the walled up tears finally escaped their barricade.

_Fuck._

My body moved of its own volition now. I strode the two steps needed to get to Jas and mom and it was all I could do to engulf both of them into my embrace.

I cried freely now.

"She's not going to do anything Jas… right mom? Right?" I prompted her, pleading her acquiescence. When she finally nodded, I hugged her even tighter and Jas even tighter still. He was shaking so hard, my heart was literally breaking with him. I felt Edward's arm come round my shoulder soon after and dad's moments later. And we stood there huddled together, crying for the longest time.

* * *

A/N: Review?


	36. Bombs, Bikes, Babes

Disclaimer: Original characters are SM's, of course.

A/N: With all the references into their childhood, I thought perhaps a little blast into the past was in order.

Summary: Edward, Emmett and Jasper open their treasure chest and tell the girls some stories.

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**Chapter 25: Bombs, Bikes, Babes**

**_JPOV_**

"Tell me more about your childhood," Alice urged me one afternoon while we were taking a break from playing another round of Halo.

Emmett snickered loudly on the floor as he mused at Alice's request.

I had told Alice snippets of our growing up years on our first date night the other week. Dad and I had spent an entire afternoon preparing the house and the food while mom whisked her off for an afternoon of shopping at her favorite DIY warehouse in Port Angeles, so I could surprise her that evening.

"What would you like to know sunshine?" I asked amused, running my hand down her silky hair. She twirled strands of her hair with one finger absently.

"Ohh I don't know, anything I guess.. it must be fun growing up with two brothers, you guys must have many stories you can share?" she posed the question to us.

"Geez..I don't know Alice… that's like opening Pandora's box there," Edward said and he too let out little snicker. I grinned. He was partly right about that.

"Oh come on, tell us.." Rosie joined in this time, looking at Emmett, maybe more impressing on him than just looking. The big man gave Edward and me a questioning look before breaking into a wide grin.

Mom, who had been listening to our conversation from across the room chimed in as well, rallying after the girls, laughing at us. The incident a few days ago seemed to have been a blessing for her. She seemed a lot less burdened now that she had told us her story. For that I was grateful, even if it did make me feel a little sad inside that I had opened up old wounds for her. Before I had a chance to immerse into the thought again, Emmett's voice saved me.

"Awww… well, if we have to.." he broke out.

"We have to go up to my room though, we need the chest for this!" he said excitedly and jumped to his feet, pulling Rosie up.

Alice pulled me up as well, latched her tiny arm around my waist while mine rested on her shoulder; and we trundled side by side after the rest of them.

We made ourselves comfortable on Emmett's floor while he pushed a large dark wooden lidded crate to the middle of our circle. I couldn't help the grin from appearing on my face as the three of us opened the lid of the chest again. Neither could Emmett and Edward apparently. It had been a long while since we looked into the contents of our treasure chest. It felt as if we were opening a can of candies – multicolored candies that melted in your mouth when you ate it, left psychedelic colors your tongue and gave you a sugar high for hours on end. Pure excitement.

Emmett rubbed his hands with glee when he pulled out a piece of foolscap paper with a recipe written in his loopy handwriting.

Edward and I knew what it was instantly. I felt my eyes rolling.

The bomb.

_************_

"_Oohhh Jas! I've got the perfect weapon for our next fort game with Jake and the gang.." Emmett exclaimed excitedly to Edward and I as we sat on the kerb w__aiting for mom to pick us up. I kicked at a loose pebble absently._

"_What now? The last time you said this, we ended up having to give my lunch money to Jacob." I said doubtfully. We had upped the games recently and winner would take some sort of prize home__. Last week's was lunch money and because Emmett had used up all of his and Edward we couldn't use because he was saving it up, I had to give mine and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwich for an entire week. Gross. _

"_Bombs." He said smugly. Edward's face l__it up and then he sighed resignedly. He shared my optimism. Nil._

_I rolled my eyes. Emmett might be 12 but he was not a very bright 12 years old. How could we possibly make bombs? We were kids for goodness sake._

_Emmett looked dejected at our lack of positiv__e response._

"_Where's your confidence dudes??? This is Emmett!" he said loudly, thumping his chest like a gorilla then. I sighed even more and picked up a pebble and threw it across the tarred ground._

"_Come on man..you don't believe I can do it huh?" he ask__ed thumping my back hard next. I scoffed at him mildly. Emmett was huge and I was only the size of Edward, and that was puny. His thumping nearly made me choke my lungs out._

"_Whoops sorry.." he said to me as I regained my breath again._

_Edward gave him a th__oughtful look. He might've been only 10, but he was as clever as any 11 or 12 year old out there._

"_Okay, say we believe that you can make this bomb," he started, rolling his tongue on the word bomb for added effect,_

"_What makes you think we can get the stu__ff to make it anyway? I'm pretty sure it's gonna cost a lot of money and there's no way in hell I'm going to volunteer to ask dad or mom for it either," _

"_Me neither," I said quickly._

_The look on Emmett's face now kind of worried me. Like he was about to t__ell us something we were better off not knowing. The light in my head went on instantly._

"_Hang on..where.. did you get this recipe from??" I asked warily. I sincerely hoped it wasn't from that scary friend of his – Saul Danvers. He was a troublemaker that __one. Bad news all the way from here to Texas. _

"_My man Saul of course," he supplied smugly._

"_Oh man!" I griped. Edward looked at me worriedly. This was not a good idea._

_We ended up making the bomb anyhow. _

_According to Emmett we could get all the ingredien__ts from the garage and the kitchen. He told us that it wasn't really a bomb per se, more like a loud firecracker. It would scare the shit out of Jacob and his gang and we could infiltrate their fort this time and steal the flag and win the game. And possib__ly get Jacob's lunch money this time. Not that I wanted to take Jacob's lunch money. He probably needed it more than I did. I'd probably just take a quarter for the game's sake. _

_We set about preparing the stuff to make it on Friday afternoon. If mom asked, we were to say that we were helping Emmett make a science project. We weren't exactly lying. It _**_was_**_ a science project, in a manner of speaking._

_I couldn't quite believe how easy it was to make a bomb. Well - a firecracker. _

_We had our prototype at the end of the afternoon. _

_Emmett had made a long wick so we could light the bomb from a distance and we of course had to test the damn thing. The worse__ thing was to try it blindly and make a fool out of ourselves when it didn't work tomorrow. Edward, Emmett and I stayed behind the upturned garden table while he lit the wick with a lighter. I had to admit, I was bubbling with excitement as the wick starte__d burning. _

_Nothing happened. _

"_Oh man.. why didn't it work?! Maybe the wick got loose," Emmett grumbled loudly. We got up to go and check the stupid thing that was half planted in the soil at the corner of the house, where mom had recently finished planti__ng lily bulbs. I didn't know what exactly happened then but the moment Emmett picked up the firecracker/bomb he instantly threw it back down on the ground, right in front of me and Edward. The next thing I heard was this loud bang and I was thrown backward__s or I had jumped backwards, I wasn't too sure. All I heard was loud ringing in my ears right before I saw black. When I woke up I was in the hospital sporting a seriously cool bandage on my head. Edward was standing to one side and was sporting a painful __red bruise on his face, while Emmett looked unscathed except for his red eyes, obviously from crying._

"Yeah right, cool bandage my ass… You forgot something ninny.." Emmett said cockily. All eyes turned to him. I raised an eyebrow.

"And what's that?" I asked. Edward shook his head and tried to hide the growing grin on his face.

"He woke up, gave me this "I'm gonna kill you" look and started bawling to mom… like a girl!" Emmett chortled out loud and his whole body started shaking. I rolled my eyes as Edward chuckled not too discreetly at my expense.

"You ass.. I was concussed, I had every reason to cry," I defended myself, albeit only lightly. He was right though, I did bawl out crying like a girl. The bomb had really scared me.

"He could have been hurt bad you fool!" Rosie scowled instead and thumped his arm forcefully.

"Yes, they both could have gotten really hurt!" Bella and Alice rallied to her at once, looking at him disapprovingly. Emmett positively cowered as they stared down at him. It was my turn to snicker at him.

"Ohh…Ohh... and who could forget how you couldn't sit right for two whole days from the spanking you got from dad that night!" Edward supplied even more. He turned red as we all laughed at him now. Dad never really raised a hand at us, but he was livid with all three of us that day. He spared Edward and me obviously because we had already gotten our medicine. Emmett was the sole recipient of his punishment that night.

We rifled through the chest again.

I found my old toy soldier that I had named Jack. For some reason I had a thing for the name because I remembered naming our dog that too. He used to watch over me when I went to bed at night, man the fort so to speak. I accidentally maimed him one time when he got stuck in the grate one afternoon. "He received a badge of honor for his service." I mentioned, grinning to Alice. She smiled wistfully.

"You're such a loyal friend, Jazz. I would have loved to be Jack," she cooed. I grinned and kissed her cheek lightly. She was so adorable.

Emmett smiled brightly when he fished out a pair of socks with marker pen eyes and mouth. It was Mr Dweebs and Mr Tubs. He used to entertain us with puppet show afternoons when we were much smaller. Edward and I couldn't have been more than 4 and 5 then. The sock puppets were really the beginnings of his talent as a comedic performer and jester.

"Man oh man," Edward yelled suddenly when he pulled out a torn baseball card out from underneath a tin can full of marbles. Bella looked at him interestedly.

"What's that babe?" Bella asked. He grinned widely at me and Emmett.

"That Bella, was Edward's first card when he first learned how to ride a bike without the little cute tires at the back," Emmett supplied. At that Bella lit up and scuttled to Edward's side.

"How old were you?"

"I must have been six maybe seven," He answered, grinning widely. I remembered the day like it was yesterday, I could tell from Emmett's face that he was also thinking about the day that dad gifted Edward his first baseball card. We had been really proud of Edward that day; he had been extra diligent about practicing his balance on the bike with us for an entire week. He had every reason to be worried about falling, especially since he had had an accident a couple of months back and scrapped his arms and legs pretty badly. He'd been trying to ride on two then and well, ended up kissing the ground, bleeding everywhere.

************

"_Okay Edward, you ready?" Emmett asked as he and I balanced Edward on his bike between us. On the ground behind us, his little wheels lay uselessly._

"_Yep,"_

"_You sure?" I asked again. _

"_Push me and let go," h__e urged, sounding very excited._

"_You remember what I told you?" Emmett said again. We wanted to be really sure that our little brother was ready to take this challenge._

"_Keep the wheel straight and keep pedaling," he responded in his squeaky voice, __repeating what Emmett had droned into his head earlier while we were practicing._

_Emmett and I nudged the bike forward gently and let him go. Edward started pedaling furiously and for a few seconds his bike wobbled and looked like it was going to topple to __one side but somehow Edward managed to find his balance and soon enough he was riding quite freely on two wheels. _

"_Whoo Eddie you did it!" we screamed at him. His face was beaming with excitement and pride. He did a few circles around the front yard befor__e coming our way, letting us hold the bike steady as he braked to a halt and jumped down._

"_You know what this means hey? You get to race with us in the park!" I exclaimed to him. He'd been wanting to race me and Emmett forever._

"_Really?" he asked, large gr__een eyes looking at Emmett and me expectantly. _

"_Yup kiddo." Emmett chimed._

"_You wanna go a few more rounds before you learn how to start on your own?" He asked Edward again. Bronze mop of a head nodded back at Emmett excitedly. We got back to our position__s and he started the whole exercise again._

_He was riding fine for a while but suddenly he must have been distracted or something because he was riding out of the front yard and into the slopping tarred road suddenly. Panic rang in his voice immediately as __he grabbed our attention._

"_Emm?Jas?" he screamed frantically as the bike started going down the road._

"_Turn!" I yelled as we went after him._

"_I can't, I'm scared!" _

_Just as he said it, he picked up speed and was flying down our private road like there was __no tomorrow. We raced after him._

"_Emm!! Jas!!! Help me!!" _

_I didn't know how Emmett could have run so fast but he took off and left me panting after him. He was just a hand's reach away from reaching Edward's end of the bike and I could already see the big__ main road ahead. If he went through the main road, a passing car could hit him. I panicked._

"_Eddie, turn left! Turn the handlebars left now!" I screamed to him. He did as he was told and he and his bike skittered along a hedged bush slightly. It was all t__he delay Emmett needed and he latched onto the end of the bike quickly and attempted to stop it. It was a big mistake. We were too young then to have known about the laws of physics regarding momentum and inertia. The bike came to a halt in Emmett's hold b__ut Eddie flew ahead – screaming our name as he did so. He fell onto the soft ground in a tumbled heap and skidded a few inches on the ground before finally stopping._

"_Edward!!!" _

_We skidded to a stop in front of his tumbled form and for a second I worried __that he might've broken something. He turned around just then, crying horribly at us. He looked pretty messed up. His forehead was scrapped, his elbows and knees and shins were all bloody._

"_We're sorry Eddie, we tried to catch you but you were flying!" I w__ailed, almost ready to cry myself._

"_Mom's gonna make you all better okay?" Emmett appeased him then. I saw Edward calming down instantly. He nodded, stopped crying and got behind Emmett's back so he could carry him back up to the house while I pushed his b__ike._

_It took him another whole month before he was brave enough to try. And this time we were very careful to watch him._

_When dad put the card on the spoke of his wheels as he did ours when we first earned our wings, he was beaming proudly._

"You couldn't stop riding your bike for an entire month hey kiddo?" Emmett muttered softly at him, a content smile painted on his face.

"Yeah..those were awesome times…I thought I was the bird or something," he mused contentedly at the memory now.

"I still can't figure out how you managed to catch up with Edward that day..he must have been going like 20 mph downhill," I said to Emmett then. He chuckled.

"Dude, I was the bullet," he guffawed the same instant that he pulled out a VHS copy of the Nightmare on Elm street – one of our all time favorite horror movies back in the days.

"I'm a bullet, I'm a missile, I'm a rocket to the moon!" We intoned together and laughed again.

"That's so cute..ohh..you have to put this in our album," Bella cooed happily and took the card away from his hand. Edward looked at her funnily for a second before the three of us chuckled at a shared memory again.

"What's so funny?" she asked curiously.

"How you girls always seem to want to catalog every freaking memento into an album for your children to see," Emmett supplied, shaking his head lightly.

"Why do I have a sneaking suspicion this is about a girl?" Rosie queried now, looking at the three of us one by one. When her eyes landed on Emmett, he coughed somewhat. I snorted a chuckle out.

"When Emmett was 15, he had his first monkey love," Edward began. The girls perked up immediately. Between the three of us, Emmett had always been the one who had the chick magnet thing going for him. Edward was a misunderstood emo boy and I was the rebel for some reason. I supposed between Emmett, Edward and myself, he fit the jock stud look perfectly and we were far off the mark, thanks mostly to our hair.

"Her name was Lauren," I supplied smiling at Emmett. Lauren was a pretty girl and so up Emmett's alley. She had long endless legs, a pert bottom, we knew because she was in the cheerleading team, and was more womanly than her peers at 15 years of age. Emmett loved tits.

"She had the biggest tits in her year then," Edward added now and Rosie gave Emmett a raised eyebrow instantly.

"Aww babe, not as good as your racks.." Emmett intoned.

"I better be," she clucked, teasingly. I mused silently. If she asked me, Lauren had nothing on Rosie. She was light years away from being in Rosie's league.

"So, what happened?" Bella prompted now.

"Emmett here at first thought she was the ONE. Even got all emotional about it." Edward spoke.

"I did not!" he huffed.

"3 weeks of romancing later, they shared an afternoon in his room, under a blanket!" I coughed.

"Can you imagine if mom had walked in on them?" Edward uttered, smirking at our brother.

"It wasn't like it was sex or anything!" Emmett canted in response.

"So what did he do?" Rosie asked again.

"Groped her, felt her up…" I supplied, grinning at Emmett.

"You dog!" Rosie called him now, although I could see from her blue eyes that matched mine a little, that she was not really mad at him.

"You know you like me that way baby," Emmett responded to her confidently. She rolled his eyes back at him even as he pulled her in for a quick cuddle.

"Okay…that's all nice and all, but what's the relevance with Bella wanting to put this in their album though?" Alice asked now, looking very lost at our to and fro conversations. I leaned in quickly to give her slightly puckered lips a peck.

"About 2 weeks after the blanket incident, Emmett comes to us looking very freaked out," I started again.

"Lauren shows him this 'album' of things she'd collected to remind them of their 4 week romance, for "their future"," Edward supplied with a grin, making air quotes at the phrase Lauren had used specifically. She was already planning their entire lives, obviously.

"Can tabs he'd opened for her, little pieces of notes they had passed on to each other, and guess this – a little bit of Emmett's blanket that she managed to cut off without him knowing,"

As I said it, I saw Emmett shudder a little.

"Ugh..what a freak!" Rosie exclaimed.

"I know.. who cuts other people's blanket?! I can't imagine what she would want to cut off after her first night," he said incredulously. At that, we all nearly gagged.

"So you broke up with her?"Bella asked now.

He nodded then shook his head. Lauren was a bitch. No she was a crazy mental bitch. After Emmett had broken up with her, she went after him like a witch scorned. Hounded him for all of two weeks demanding to be taken back. In the end it took a near physical warning from Edward and I to keep her away.

"What did you guys do?"

We snickered. We cornered her one day and told her in no specific terms what could happen to her precious little poodle if she didn't stay away from Emmett.

"We know where you live bitch!" Edward and I said in unison again, and laughed as we bumped fist in the air lightly.

"And she stayed away?"

"If you guys knew Jas and Ed while they were in school, you'd believe it if they wanted to kill your precious pet,"

"That bad hey babe?" Bella quirked an eyebrow at Edward now. He sighed.

"Sometimes being stereotyped just because of the way you look has its benefits…" Came his simple answer.

"Or not.." Emmett quipped now, looking at me. He was making a reference to Maria, I knew. I gave him a bittersweet smile. She picked me because she thought I was a bad boy. I thought she had loved me for who I was, inside. _Fool._

I caught Bella's knowing look instantly. _You okay?_ She asked me silently. I nodded subtly. If Alice saw our exchange she didn't comment. She settled for running her comforting fingers over my back instead.

"Hey..look what I found..remember this?" Edward's grin was wide as he held out a worn red and black material in the air to us. The arm band I made for us years ago.

I grinned at the memory of seeing the band again. For what it stood for then and more importantly what it symbolized still for the three of us.

Each others constants. Unwavering loyalty and love.

Brotherhood.

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A/N:Okay..reviews? Reviews get a teaser for the next one...which answers the last para of "This Invisible Band That I Wear".. dun dun dun


	37. This Invisible Band That I Wear: Part 2

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Thank you to all reviewers and readers. I am as always, only soo appreciative to hear your generous thoughts ( bad or good) on each chapter. Anyway, this chapter explores the other side of the coin - what if is it's Jasper who gets to feel what the others feel like when he falls ill.

Summary: An incident forces Jasper to introspect.

* * *

**This Invisible Band that I Wear: Part 2**

_~I would be reminded again and again of this invisible band that tied the three of us in the coming weeks and months._

_ It just never occurred to me though that I could also easily lose either one of them just as easily as they could me.~ Jasper Cullen  
_

**JPOV**

The day had started well enough. We had gone through the treasure chest a few days ago and coincidentally, dad mentioned to us that Jacob and Seth were back from national duty for a bit. They were both serving in the navy. It was perfect timing for a well deserved visit to one of our childhood haunts and also to catch up on old friends. We left for La Push and the reservation on the Saturday morning with the intention of spending a few hours there. From a few hours we ended up spending nearly half the day there, only leaving after having a late lunch at Seth's place; his mom's grilled fish was the best in the greater part of the Olympic Peninsula.

The heavy rain and thunderstorm started just as soon as we pulled out of the Quileute reservation and headed home. As Emmett had driven us on the trip here, I took the wheels on the return leg and drove mom's Audi with the girls while Edward and Emmett drove in the smaller hatchback Volvo behind us. I was quite glad that Bella decided to join us in this return trip, as much as I was confident that Edward was a good driver, the relative size of the Audi sedan made it a much safer option in such bad weather.

"Call Edward Bells, tell him to drive slowly," I instructed Bella as I carefully maneuvered the car through the winding and dark road towards home. I could barely see the Volvo's lights behind me, much less 1 foot ahead of the road in front of us owing to the sudden torrential rain. The dense canopy cover on either side of the road made the visibility even worse.

"Shit.. no reception Jazz." Bella cursed. My worry feelers seemed to be going off for some reason.

"Jazz, can you turn the heater on? I'm cold," Rosalie muttered suddenly. Alice shuddered just as she said it.

"Sorry ladies..," I turned the heater immediately. Hot air blasted into the confined space instantly, warming us up quickly.

We were passing through the wooded parts of La Push road now, sometimes a dangerous road to be on because it cut through national park and therefore wildlife trails. It was not unusual for a buck or a wild animal to just jump across the road when you least expect it. I slowed even more.

My phone beeped suddenly. Alice held it out for me and pressed loudspeaker on. It was Emmett. I sighed a breath of relief immediately.

"Can you believe this rain?" he spoke through the speaker. A mixture of disbelief and idiotic excitement in his voice. Only Emmett could find joy in everything. Even dangerous weather such as this one. I shook my head.

"Babe there's nothing fun about this weather!" Rosie yelled through the phone. The rest of us snickered after her. I thought I heard a whimper there followed by Edward's laugh from the other side as well. Still nothing funny about the weather, but Emmett being put on a leash over the phone was however quite funny.

"Anyway, Edward wants to drive ahead, and you could tag behind.." he stated a second later. I almost smiled. They read my thoughts easily. It would be safer for the girls if we trailed them instead of leading. As it were I could barely see more than 1 foot of the road ahead. Without my glasses, in this sort of weather, even my infinitesimal visual impairment could be of a huge consequence. I watched the road ahead for signs of oncoming traffic before flashing a quick sign to Edward, and giving him room to cut me quickly. I released a tiny breath of relief once they were in front of us. With Edward's Volvo in front of me, there was a point of reference of the road ahead of me now, and I could feel myself relaxing into the seat once more. I kept a fair distance from Edward, close enough to see his taillights. Bella and Rosie were chatting quietly at the backseat; while Alice rode in companionable silence with me up front, her tiny hand absently rubbing soothing circles over mine on the shift stick.

We were about 20 minutes on the road and a little more than 10 minutes to the turn off into the road home when suddenly I saw Edward's car swerve sharply to the right, the same instant that my hearing went deaf as three girls' shrill screams pierced the confined space of the car. My poor heart lurched to a stop it seemed, from the hysterical screaming and the sudden appearance of headlights heading dead straight into our direction. On instinct, I stepped on the pedals, causing the car to speed up instantly and swerved left into the other lane immediately before skidding to a stop back on the right lane 50 – 60 feet ahead. It took all of 5 - 10 seconds for us to avoid the oncoming vehicle and stop where we were now, but it felt as though hours had passed.

_Thank God for good tires!_

My eyes scanned the girls swiftly even before any of them had the chance to calm down. They looked visibly shaken but otherwise unscathed. My mind went to my brothers at once.

"Everyone, calm down!!!" I almost screamed through the ringing in my ears as I unbuckled myself quickly. I realized that I hadn't heard any crashing noise but I couldn't be sure if it was because I just didn't hear it due to the girls' screams and the pelting rain outside.

"Jasper, what are you doing? You can't go out into the rain!"

Alice. I flashed an incredulous look at her for a split second. I knew she was worried about me getting sick but my brothers were out there!

"Call for help," I instructed to no one in particular as I yanked the door open and ran into the freezing rain, racing back to the scene of the near collision; ignoring for once my current state of health and what the rain and cold could potentially unleash in me soon. We had skidded farther than I thought, probably about a 100 feet from our original location. Cold horror swept through me as the scene played out in full in front of me. 50 feet ahead of me a red van was lying uselessly on its side, and a few feet ahead of it, closer to me, was a wide broken gap in what used to be a wooden barricade on the road, meant to keep passing traffic from the obvious; plunging into the icy river below.

We were on a fucking bridge.

_Oh God._

My mind spun frantically.

_Oh God No…No….NO._

I ran to the gap, I could hear my heart beating loudly in my ears. The river had risen to an angry level. It must have rained heavily upland for the river to be bursting the way it was now.

I couldn't see the Volvo anywhere._ Oh God. _I felt faint suddenly.

"No!!!"

I realized it wasn't me who had vocalized it.

My head snapped back to confirm it was Bella. She had run after me, and the scene was easy enough for her to read. She stopped dead on her tracks, falling to her knees, screaming in the middle of the road. Rosalie and Alice slamming into her shortly after. It took them seconds to realize why Bella had screamed. I heard Rosie's shrill cry then and my heart plummeted even as her decibels increased. I looked back at the skid marks on the tarred road again and at the gap on the bridge.

The invisible band in my arm tightened painfully.

A vision flashed in my head. Bella and Rosie – garbed in black, eyes hollow, reflecting the void inside. _They were dead_. Mom and Dad shattered. Our family fallen to pieces.

I saw them now, crumpled on the ground crying. I saw my girl, standing beside them, her face a picture of sheer horror. She caught my eyes then; it didn't take long for comprehension to dawn on those teary grays on what I was about to do.

Her plastered head started shaking at me even as her beautiful pink mouth puckered into a horrifying No.

_I love you Alice._

"Call for help!!!!" I gave one last scream to the widening horrific eyes of the three women we, my brothers and I loved even as I ran for the gap and jumped.

Words ringing in my head as the raging water came up to meet me.

"_..I know this is probably not easy for you to accept...but I love you and I nearly lost you. ….. You'll have to just get used to the fact that I am going to be hovering close by until you get better.. okay?" _

"_Those were some of the best years I've had.. I couldn't just throw them away.." _

"…_.I had you and Edward, I couldn't have asked for better siblings to grow up with. I wouldn't trade you guys or our childhood memories for anything in the world.."_

"_We're a fucking tripod. We keep each other standing." _

"_We're a band of brothers, we die for one another.."_

_Emmett…_

_Edward…_

_Hang on… I'm coming!_

……_.._

………………_._

……………….

………………..

.....................

***********

**Alice POV**

I stood there beside them, shaking from the rain, shaking from the knowledge that had just presented itself to me. Their car had gone through the barrier and into the river below it!

_Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.  
_

What do we do? I looked down at the two women who I considered family now, and I shared their sorrow. They were too lost in grief to be of help though. My eyes sought Jasper's at once. He would know what to do. I wished right then I hadn't caught his eyes. Or his look.

_He wasn't thinking of jumping after them was he???_

My head started shaking at him instantly just as my mouth opened to tell him not to do it.

"_NO!"_

_I love you Alice. _ His eyes spoke to me endearingly, only because he couldn't.

He screamed for me to call help again even as he ran for the gap, even as I ran for him, wanting to stop him. I screamed with all my might.

"Jasper!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

My heart plummeted the same time I saw him jump beyond the bridge's edge. My legs finally stopping at the edge itself as I watched with growing horror – my center, my sun, swallowed by the raging river below.

The utter void I felt when Jasper had died in my dreams cloaked me instantly.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

_Oh God please…please don't let him die. _

_Help him. Help them!_

_*************  
_

**JPOV**

The first thing that registered in my brain was the freezing icy water and how it made every muscle in my body spasm and contract against the assault. I gasped fiercely against the icy cold and the innate need to just curl into a ball to preserve my body heat. I focused instead on gauging where the car could have plunged into and swam towards my first guesstimate as quickly as my legs and arms could carry me.

………..

*************

**Alice POV**

I surfaced for a breath instantly when I saw his head bob out from under the murky water. _He was alive!_ I watched him swim a little further before he went under again. He was looking for them. My mind went into work instantly. I dialed for 911.

"What can we do?" I heard Rosalie and Bella come up behind me shakily just then.

"We need to check that van for survivors, and we need to flag down help!" I instructed. I saw Bella's horrified eyes for a second again and I had to look. Jasper had resurfaced again and he seemed to be looking still. Worry ate into my heart. How many minutes had passed? How long could he stand that freezing water before he…he?

I pushed the morbid thought away and was grateful when I saw a car coming from the other direction. I ran to the middle of road instantly and flagged it down.

"Please help!! A car went into the river.. our family.. there's someone down there but he needs help!" I explained quickly. They didn't hesitate for a second.

_Help is coming Jasper. Help is coming._

…………_._

**JPOV**

I took a lungful of cold air and dived in.

I resurfaced, swam a bit more and dived in again.

And again.

My heart was hammering inside me. How many minutes had passed?

I swam a little bit more to the left and went under again. My eyes strained against the turbidity of the water. I was about to surface for more air when I thought I saw a flash of silver and royal blue ahead of me. It was the car.

I swam towards the car frantically.

_Edward! Emmett!_

I wavered for a second as my own heart clenched tightly inside my chest when I caught sight of their unmoving bodies inside the car.

_Were they dead?_

_No. They couldn't be. They couldn't be._

I pushed the thought away and banged at the window forcefully, trying to wake them even as I tried to pry the door open. Water was filling into the vehicle quickly. Despite the freezing water, my lungs burned ferociously inside.

_Fuck! I need to surface for more air!_

I tore myself away from the car and swam upwards again.

I surfaced and gasped for much needed breath. It was then I saw that someone else had jumped into the water after me. A second one swimming behind him, holding a big wrench of sorts.

_Help. Thank God!_

"They're unconscious! Below!" I screamed over the pelting rain and raging water, showing 2 fingers to indicate to them how many people there were. At their nod, I took another lungful of air quickly and dived in again; new strength surging inside me with the knowledge that I now had help. The guy with the wrench started hitting at the passenger window on Emmett's side while I swam to the other side to try and pry Edward's door. I managed to open his door just as the man broke into Emmett's side. Water surged into the car immediately, filling the space and the car creaked at the force of it. I grappled to release the buckle off of Edward's unresponsive body as the other two men fought to pull Emmett's bulky form from his seat. They freed him just as I pulled Edward out. My lungs were burning painfully now as I pulled Edward's deadweight up towards the surface. We broke surface in seconds and I gasped painfully for the air, noticing with alarm that my own grasp of consciousness was now waning. I was barely holding onto Edward by the time we neared the banks.

"Help!" I gasped as I pushed him to the muddy ground with what little strength I had left. I felt someone come up behind me and push me up as well and I spluttered and choked out river water even as I grappled for Edward's unconscious form on the muddy bank.

"Edward! Emmett!"

I thumped at Edward's still frame. He did not respond. I saw Emmett lying on the bank not far from where we were. Unmoving. Still.

_Don't die. Don't die!_

I could not hold on to the light as much as I tried to. My own consciousness was fleeing me. I grabbed on to Edward as a last measure of effort; willing him to live as my own grasp slipped.

_Please don't die…_

_********************  
_

**Alice POV**

I didn't know how many minutes had passed since Jasper dived under again with the two men following after him but suddenly I saw three heads breaking surface. It was the two men and Emmett was between them.

_Where was Jasper?! And Edward?!_

My heart nearly gave way when I saw Jasper break surface the very second, with Edward in his grip.

_Oh God he was struggling._

"Help him!!! Help him!!" I screamed, hoping to God they would hear me above this God- awful noise from the rain and the river. The EMT units arrived just as Jasper reached the banks. My heart twisted at the sight of him struggling to get onto the bank. He was greatly weakened. I didn't have to be a doctor to see just how much weakened he was.

It took all our strengths it seemed to not just scramble down to the banks and get to our respective partners.

"Where are they? Where are they?" A distraught voice pulled our attention instantly.

Carlisle. He must have arrived with the EMT. He looked absolutely beside himself.

………

……………

………….

***********

**JPOV**

Minutes passed. Hours?

Freezing. I was freezing.

Where were Edward and Emmett? Were they okay? Did they escape the accident?

I woke up to the sound of beeping and something whooshing beside me. My eyes squeezed shut from the harsh light and it took me a painful second to crack them open again. Worried brown and gray eyes looked into mine. I tried to breathe but my lungs were on fire.

"Shhh…Jasper..take it easy.." Mom.

What happened?

_Accident. Volvo. River. Edward! Emmett! _

I struggled to get up even before my head had time to register that my body was too weakened to cooperate fully.

"Ed…Emm.." I gasped painfully beneath the mask. My chest was physically burning but the pain I was feeling right now had nothing to with it.

"They're okay... they're in the next rooms," Mom told me cautiously. I looked at her worried eyes.

_Not. Good. Enough. _

I needed to see them. **Now**.

I forced myself up, ignoring the pain that assaulted every inch of my body as I exerted myself.

"Jasper please!" Alice pleaded to me. I looked at her.

_I need to see them Sunshine. Please. Help. Me._

"Need.. to see them." I gritted through the heaviness in my body and pushed myself up again. Pulled the mask away. I felt tears streaking my cheeks. Partly from the pain, partly from the gnawing worry in the pit of my stomach now.

Something was wrong.

I could feel it.

"Please.. I ..need to see..them," I begged through my tears. I struggled to find the floor. I was grateful when Alice came to my aid, torn as she probably was, as my bare feet finally found the floor. My knees buckled under my dead weight, nearly dragging her down with me. I ignored mom's frantic worrying as I dragged myself towards the door, my sunshine barely holding my weight.

"Carlisle do something!" mom's frantic voice rang painfully in my hazy brain. I shook my head to clear it and took another shaky step forward. Someone blocked my path then.

"Jasper," Dad.

"Son… you need to rest," he reasoned, placing his hands over my shoulders, trying to guide me back to the bed. I bristled against his hold.

_Let. Me. Go. _

"I need to see them." I meant to say it firmly but it came out in a breathless gasp instead. I caught his apologetic eyes just as I felt the prick on my shoulder. Betrayal flashed in mine.

"No…" I gritted my teeth in anger and tried to make for the door, even as the medication took effect. I slipped into his waiting arms.

Darkness.

"_I love you Jas.. you just have to accept.. fact. .hovering by you..you're better,"_

_Edward?_

_Edward where are you?_

'_I'm sorry Jas..'_

_Edward! I'm coming! Don't leave me!!_

I was under water again. Struggling to open Edward's door. He was awake behind it, in the sinking car. Horrified eyes pleading at me. _Jasper help me!_ He was screaming. I pulled at the door forcefully but it wouldn't open.

'_I can't open the fucking door Edward! Kick it! Kick it!' _I screamed at him. He kept banging at the door. Kept screaming for me to help him.

The car was filling with water now. And he was drowning. He was drowning!

_I'm trying Edward….._

Bloated body now floating in the car.

_No!!!! No Edward!!!_

………_.._

……_._

_Where was Emmett?_

_Emmett was with Edward wasn't he?_

_Emmett? Emmett can you hear me?_

"_Damnit Jas..now you've got me misty eyed.."_

_Emmett..Are you okay? Where are you? Where's Edward?_

"_Edward wants to drive ahead Jas.."_

No. Don't. Stay behind me. _Please._

I saw the Volvo cut in front of me and moments later it hit the gap and plunged into the river again.

_Emmett! Edward!_

_No..please no.. don't leave me!!_

_I saw the floating dead bodies of my brothers in the sunken car in front of me. _

_No!!!!_

……………

………

……………………_._

………

I choked awake.

I had been crying in my sleep again.

Was it another bad dream?

Where was I?

It took me a second to realize where I was again.

The same second it took to realize what had happened to both my brothers. I gasped and curled at the intolerable pain hitting my chest like a wrecking ball.

"Jasper?"

"Alice?" My voice was raw and raspy. Before I knew it, I had started hyperventilating again. Soothing arms came round to rub my back, gentle warming voice shushing me.

_Were they dead?! They were dead weren't they? My brothers were dead!_

_Oh God.. It hurts! It hurts!_

"Oh Jazz,"

"No… No…" I curled into myself even more, moaning against the indescribable pain blooming in my heart now.

_I had lost them. _

_I had lost them! _

_I was too late._

"Jasper … they're alive…do you hear me? They're alive…." Alice's placating voice pierced through my anguished mind. I felt her soothing rub against my hunched shoulders, her calming breath against my neck and her cooling tears against my burning skin.

I pulled the mask away from my face.

"They… they… are?" I asked through hitched sobs, peering worriedly into her eyes. _She… she wasn't lying was she?_

She nodded. Her eyes did not lie to me. Her hold on me did not loosen.

"Please…I need to see them.." I pleaded.

"Jazz..you're sick..you need to rest," she started again, looking at me worriedly. She looked haggard.

"Alice… please..I can't… not until I see them, please… please," I begged desperately.

There was only one way I could calm down. I needed to see for myself that my brothers were indeed alive. She knew this. She bit her lip for a second.

"Hang on… I'm going to go find a wheelchair… wait, okay?" she said to my face quickly and ran out. I lay curled on the bed, shaking against the cold and worry. I pulled the IV out, ignoring the bleeding it left on my arm. She appeared a few minutes later pushing a wheelchair in front of her. I pushed myself to the floor and nearly fell, if not for my hold on the bed still. The cold tile floor was soothing under my bare feet. I steadied myself before she helped me into the wheelchair.

"You pulled the IV?" she asked horrified as she pulled the blanket from the bed and bundled it around my shaking figure.

"You dad is going to kill me…you know this? " she hissed. I pulled her hand down quickly and she nearly tumbled down in front of me. Grateful eyes looked into her worried gray ones.

_Thank you._

She smiled. I kissed her hand quickly and she positioned herself behind me and pushed.

"How..long?" I asked through chattering teeth. I pulled the blanket around me closer.

"Two days," she answered swiftly. We took the lift. She pressed for ICU. My eyes flashed worriedly at her. She knelt in front me.

"Emmett is on the same floor as you.. he's alright now. .. he's awake, just bruised in the chest and a broken ankle I think.. "

_Why didn't you take me there?_

I meant to ask her but she read my mind faster than my mouth could put it into words.

"Your dad is in there… and your mom and Rosie, I figured you'd want to see Edward before he chained you down," she explained. I almost laughed at her remark. I would've had I not been worried about my brothers now.

_Edward was in ICU._

"What's wrong with Edward?" I whispered worriedly. _Did I get to him too late?_

"Edward…is still unconscious..he... he's got some swelling in the brain.." she supplied a little cautiously.

I started hyperventilating without thinking again. Her eyes narrowed at me nervously.

"Angel...are you okay? Can you breathe??" she asked, rubbing my cold fingers briskly. I nodded and sought to calm myself. No point worrying her needlessly, my mind managed.

We arrived on the 3rd floor not a moment too soon. She wheeled me out smoothly and we headed towards the ICU unit.

"Family, he's Edward's brother," Alice mentioned to the lady behind the desk. It was Emily. I smiled at her. She cocked her head towards the door quietly. I mouthed a quiet thank you and Alice pushed me swiftly.

I braced myself as we neared Edward's room.

"It's okay baby..he's alive..," Alice whispered to my ear as she pushed me in quietly. I stopped breathing anyhow, the moment I saw his lying figure on the bed. Unmoving.

_Bloated body floating in the car._ Dead.

I closed my eyes. Willing the horrible image to go away.

"Jasper?"

Bells.

"Oh Jazz…" Warm, forgiving hands wrapping themselves around me. I almost pushed her away. I didn't deserve this.

"Be..lls… I..'m so…sorry….I should've been quicker…" I croaked, tears threatening to escape my traitorous eyes. I was too late.

Disbelieving, bloodshot eyes peered into mine.

"Oh God…no Jazz…Sweetie..no..it's not your fault.. how could you even think that?"

"Sweetheart, if anything you...you saved him!" she sobbed as she enveloped me in her arms again. I clung to my best friend as if she were my lifeline now, as images of the scene of the accident, the horrified looks on the girls' faces, of seeing Emmett and Edward in the water flashed back into my mind forcefully. I reeled from the onslaught in my head painfully.

"He..he hit his head on the window…" she explained sobbingly.

"Help me up.." I asked as I gripped the wheelchair's arms tightly and tried to push myself up. I barely had any strength left in me. It took all of Alice's and Bella's strengths to help me up to my feet so I could see Edward properly.

My heart constricted tightly at how pale he looked. A huge bruise marred the one side of his head. I blinked back tears furiously.

_I nearly lost him. _

I swayed at the force of the pain stabbing at my chest even as new thoughts surfaced in my awareness.

_Was this what they felt when I was lying in coma? When I had had my cardiac arrest?_

_Was this the pain I put them through? _

_Fuck… It hurts._

_It hurts too much._

"Jasper?"

I belatedly realized I was swaying on my feet again. I felt Alice's hands come up to hold me steadily in the hips even as I planted my feet harder onto the cold floor and leaned further into the bed frame.

I took hold of his hand, and my heart calmed slightly to find it warm. _He was alive. Not dead. Not dead._

"Hey Eddie… it's Jas. Time to wake up bro," I whispered with a mirthless smile. _Why did people always laugh or smile on reflex when what they wanted to do was really cry? What was the deal with that? It wasn't as if it made the reality any different or the pain any less._

My mind reeled back to the day in the center when he had made that emotional speech in front of Emmett, dad and me. How stubborn I'd been when all he wanted to do was spend time with me. _I'd take it all back… _

"You've proven your point alright? You win.. you can hover around me however you want..I'm not gonna bitch and moan..I promise,"

_I'd take it all back…._

"Just wake up.."

_I'd take it all back…._

I frowned. I felt the heavy feeling settle in my chest again and I had to steel myself against the volley of pain hitting me. The careful mask finally slipped. Eyes closed. Tears fell.

"Please… Edward, please wake up…"

I murmured through clenched teeth, my hand furiously wiping at the tears running down my face now.

……

……..

"Jazz, you okay?" Bella asked me worriedly, her hand reaching out to hold me.

"Baby... maybe we should get you back now.." Alice's worried voice. Her grip on me tightened slightly again.

"I'm fine, I want to wait here," I mumbled to her softly. I had settled down on the wheelchair again.

"Jas…the nurses are going to be looking for you," Alice reasoned.

_Fuck the nurses. There was no way I was going to move until Edward woke up._

"Alice, please. Make yourself comfortable. I'm not moving." I responded impassively.

Minutes passed. Maybe an hour.

My eyes suddenly snapped to, at the hand I was still holding. I almost shot up from the wheelchair.

"Eddie?" I whispered loudly, standing back up and leaning close to his face again.

"Grip my hand if you hear me Eddie.." I urged. I stilled myself if only to make sure I hadn't been imagining it. Sure enough I felt the almost imperceptible grip on mine. I released a breath I didn't know I had been holding.

Bella started calling him now. Urging him to wake up.

And then the sweetest noise I'd heard since Alice. An audible groan.

_Oh Thank God!_

"That's it… wake up Eddie." I said a little louder.

"Ed….wward.." I thought I heard him mumble weakly. I nearly laughed out loud at the sheer absurdity of his statement. I glanced over at Bella, hopeful brown eyes trained on her fiancé's face. We saw his head stirring slightly.

"That's it baby, come back to me," she urged softly through shaky voice. Her hand was gently stroking his head. I could see tears forming in her eyes again.

Jade eyes struggled to flicker open. I never thought I'd be so happy to see those familiar orbs again.

My own vision flickered in relief.

*********

"There you are.."

My head snapped swiftly towards the familiar voice at once; and my body reacted instantly against the sudden movement. I felt the floor tilt for a moment.

"Emmett?"

He was sitting in a wheelchair, one foot in a cast, looking extremely pale but otherwise..

_Alive. They were both alive. _

The tightness in my chest returned sevenfold. I felt tempted to just claw the feeling out.

"My brother, the hero." He said audibly, his voice was rough and raw. Rosie pushed him in. Mom and dad following closely behind.

It was all too much suddenly. I drew a shaky breath in.

"Jasper?" Alice's worried tinged voice vaguely penetrated my foggy brain.

I wondered why the light in the room was suddenly flickering like crazy.

*************

**Emmett POV**

The moment he said my name, I felt tears prickling at the edge of my eyes. He sounded as if he'd never see me again. I had never seen him look so devastated.

_We must have really scared him._

"My brother the hero.." I murmured lightly but somehow my voice came out raw and rough.

He saved us. He jumped after Edward and me and fucking saved us. My sick brother. He could have died there too.

"Jasper?" Alice's worried voice pierced the silence and I saw her hold on his tightened instantly. His eyes started flickering rapidly before us.

_Oh Fuck._

Dad shot out from behind me and caught him just as he collapsed in front of me, nearly taking Alice down with him.

*******

"How is he? Is he okay?" I asked worriedly when dad finally came out of Jas's room.

"Yes…he's.. he's just exhausted himself," he murmured tightly, rubbing his temple hard.

I found out later that by exhausted dad actually meant that Jasper had gotten ill again, pneumonia this time – from having choked on dirty river water and freezing his ass off in the rain and the river.

They had to put him under a respirator again. He was out for an extra two days before he came to. Shit. And this was supposed to be his time off from the hospital.

Edward came to two days after our untimely accident. He'd banged his head against the window quite hard when we hit the barricade. Thank God there was no lasting damage. I had been worried about him when dad told me that he was unconscious still. I seemed to be the one to have escaped the accident least hurt.

While I wasn't happy that we got ourselves into an accident, I was relieved that it had been our car in front when the van lost control and swerved into our path. Had we stayed behind the Audi, it would have been the girls and Jasper who'd have plunged into the river instead. I shuddered to think of what could have happened then.

******

"How are you feeling?" I looked at Edward. It was day five after our accident and the bruise on his face was still very much angry looking.

"I've had worst days.." he smiled wryly, wincing slightly when he moved his head too quickly. We chatted for a bit.

"I'm..so glad you're alright," I muttered softly to him finally. In the last couple of days, I'd been having nightmares still over the fact that I had nearly lost mine and his life.

Fuck. It had been too close. For all of us.

"How's mom and dad?" Edward asked softly.

"Rosie said they were beside themselves when we first got in, but they seem better now. Maybe just a little worried about Jas," I supplied. At his name, Edward's face creased a little.

"Bells said he wouldn't leave until I came to," he muttered softly. I could hear the wetness behind his voice.

I smiled.

"Well..you're not the only stubborn Cullen you know?" I responded lightly, looking at him pointedly. He chuckled weakly.

"Is he okay?" He asked concernedly now. He hadn't been able to move around as much as I could since we got admitted. Jas only woke up yesterday from one of his heavily medicated slumbers again. When I saw him this morning, he was feeling and sounding a lot better.

"He seems to be on the mend now… hey, you up for a little exercise?" I asked him. I had a feeling Jas would appreciate a little visit from us this evening.

"Sure.." he answered easily and got up from bed slowly and sat himself into the wheelchair next to his bed. We rolled ourselves to Jas's room.

********

**Edward POV**

"Hey..Jas..you awake still?"

He stirred in his bed. I frowned at how ghastly pale he looked.

_He looked worst than we did._

"Hey guys…..yeah..I'm awake," he answered as his eyes cleared. He sat up immediately. A tired grin was pasted on his face.

"How are you Superman?" Emmett queried teasingly. We chuckled. I couldn't help but notice the pained crease between his eyebrows though as he did that. I wondered if we should have left him to rest instead.

"Much better thanks," he responded anyhow, rubbing his chest and coughing slightly. He turned to see me.

"How the head?" he inquired. I gave a wink and nodded my head subtly to let him know that I was fine. He inquired after Emmett next.

"I get another two weeks leave…so I ain't complaining," he responded upbeat. Trust Emmett to turn a near death experience into something positive. I almost rolled my eyes. Jas laughed quietly in response.

"Anyway, we just wanted to come see how you were and thank you, for saving our asses back there.." Emmett started.

"Yeah Jas.. thanks for going after us, that was very brave of you.." I supplied gratefully and leaned in quickly to clap his back.

He grinned back. "Eh," was his only reply.

"Like I said, Superman." Emmett teased again. A round of chuckle rang between us.

We sat there staring at each other and Jas's interesting hospital blanket suddenly.

Being brothers obviously didn't spare us from getting caught into awkward moments. And we were caught in one right now. It reminded me of the evening when Jas was first admitted and we had had a brotherly bonding time and was caught in a similar moment. One would think after 6 months of countless emotional upheaval and practice, we would be more adept at handling this. Apparently not.

Emmett coughed and broke the silence finally. Everyone's hand went up to their head at once. _Synchronized swimming _flashed in my head somehow.

I couldn't help it then. I laughed out loud. Ignoring the jarring pain that the movement sent to my head. My brothers joined in immediately.

"Awkward much?" Emmett prompted after our laughing had died down.

"I was thinking more along the lines of synchronized swimming," I offered teasingly, referring to our shared nervous tic. Another round of laughter.

"Yeah…if our recent performance is of any indication, we certainly are a model for that aren't we?" Emmett quipped after our laughter had died down. He was referring to our recent dive into the Bogachiel River, of course.

It was a bad joke.

Emmett regretted it the moment he said it. We caught the pained look on Jas's face immediately. I could understand why he was taking this harder than us, he and the girls had been the ones to witness our unexpected dive into the raging river. They must have thought we were dead. And I understood his feelings now because it had been that hard for me when he had slipped into coma in my arms.

"I thought I lost you guys," he said softly to the both of us suddenly. His voice was tight, controlled. Walled up tears were evident in his eyes as he looked at either of us.

"I'd never been so scared in my life…not being able to see the car at first," he swallowed. I swallowed the lump in my own throat.

"….and then… seeing the two of you in the car, not moving at all …..I thought…" his voice trailed off, he couldn't finish. His lips were trembling visibly by now. When his eyes closed, the walled up tears escaped and rolled down his face silently. My heart clenched. I reached for his shoulder at once. He was shaking his head, trying to still himself.

"You didn't lose us okay...you fucking saved us Jas.." Emmett muttered, trying to ease his distress. I could see he was also trying to control his mask.

He sniffed and opened his eyes to look at us again. I didn't think it was possible for him to look anymore anguished than he did now.

"I'm sorry for putting you guys through so much shit…." He whimpered softly. Emmett and I looked at him a little confused. What was he talking about?

He swallowed again. His voice next was barely audible.

"It can't be easy watching your brother die.… I know how it feels now.." he croaked, and his forehead creased even more.

"It fucking hurts..it fucking really hurts..," his jaws clenched. I bit my lip, if only to hold my own sob from coming.

"I don't know what more to say but that …I'm sorry…I'm sorry for putting your guys through this pain every time I get sick.." he whispered tearfully at us.

My arms were around him instantly. The pain I felt when he had died briefly revisited my chest again. He was right about it fucking hurting. It nearly killed me inside that time. He spoke to me.

"My shit about you hovering over me like a mother hen, I take it back. You can hover, whatever. I'm not gonna bitch, I promise," I had to grin. He pulled away and spoke again.

"Edward, thank you. For saving my life the other time. I never quite thanked you for being there. Things would have probably been worst if you hadn't." I could see from his eyes that he meant it sincerely.

_For nearly killing him he meant? If I had been more observant, he wouldn't have slipped in the first place. _

"We'll consider it even then, tit for tat," I responded coolly, throwing him a smile to hide what I really thought about that incident and clapping his shoulder lightly. His eyes looked at me contemplatively for a second.

Emmett interrupted.

"Okay ladies…if you two are through with crying and being emotional, please can I have my brothers back?" he chimed, teasingly. Jas's face mirrored mine. We scowled at him. He smirked in return.

He turned to Jas.

"Now that you know that it really hurts…do us a favor, don't get yourself into shit like septic shock again?" Emmett asked this time, wearing a serious look on his face. He was really good at diffusing "tense" moments like this. He grinned when we both chuckled. He pulled Jas in quickly for a brotherly hug.

"Seriously though Jas.." Emmett sighed,

"you need to stop running yourself down with this guilt thing. It's not your fault okay? You didn't ask to get sick. I know you feel bad about mom too, but there's nothing you can do about it, you know what I mean? Stop being a martyr for all of us. The only thing you need to do is focus on getting better."

He peered at Jas seriously now. A little bit like dad. There wasn't a trace of the usual comedic or jester Emmett in the person saying those words just then. It was just Emmett, our big brother - the one who always knew just what to say or do, and made things better when we were small.

I saw Jas nod in acquiescence. Emmett clapped his shoulder.

"And that goes for you too Silas," he quipped looking at me now. He meant it, but the court jester was back. I laughed.

Never in a million years would I have thought that I would have Superman and The Joker/Mr Incredible as my brothers.

What a lucky son of a gun.

I felt the bands on each of my arms tightened again and I welcomed the safe and comforting feeling that they rendered me.

"What's going on in that head of yours now?" Emmett queried a second later.

"Synchronized swimming," I said easily. My brothers laughed again.

If anyone saw us that evening in Jas's hospital room, us sitting around his bed, chatting and laughing quietly among ourselves, they wouldn't have guessed that we had nearly lost our lives just a few days ago.

* * *

A/N: Okay peeps, hope you liked this one.

Please kindly leave a review..it takes 1 minute!

PS: Michele - thank you for your review - Much appreciated!Tears are good!


	38. Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble

Disclaimer: All characters are SM's.

A/N: I have to thank all the reviewers for the last chapter. I was amazed at the the great response from you guys. Thank you thank you. This should probably be a filler chapter but it's too long so it has to be a chapter. A little respite from all the kleenexes....

Summary: Carlisle makes a strange request.

* * *

**Chapter 27: Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble**

**Carlisle POV **

I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Or Esme for that matter. First Jasper, now the three of them! I was loathe to think that maybe we were cursed, perhaps we were?

Esme said I was being ridiculous.

If I had said this to her a week ago she probably would have agreed with me. She obviously forgot how freaked out she was a week ago when all three of our boys were in my hospital, one in ICU for two whole days for that matter and the other one - the sick one, the severely immune compromised one; having to go under heavy antibiotics – again. I swear, I swear that boy had a death wish sometimes. I was only glad that his system had had time to recuperate from the septic shock and he had been very religious with his medication before he decided to be a superhero and save his brothers. Had it been otherwise, I didn't think he would be up and joking around after a week. He was lucky. We were lucky.

_Not that I wasn't happy that he went after them, but still.._

"Carlisle..you are huffing over hot air," Esme pooh poohed me when I had first impressed the idea to her.

Excuse me for being paranoid.

I couldn't understand it either how she could be so calm so quickly after that incident. Not that I wasn't grateful that she wasn't, I'd be in a much worst position if she were. But again still..

_Just cause she's small, it doesn't mean she's not strong…_

That left me then. The paranoid one. Maybe Billy was influencing me far too much for my own good now.

"Billy Black said it's good to have a cleansing ceremony of sort.." I said to her deadpanned.

_I know – this coming from a medical doctor? Who would've thought right?_

I may be a man of science, but I was an open minded individual. Never one of those people who completely disregarded the existence of miracles, mysteries, things metaphysical that couldn't be explained by logic and the rational mind. I was fascinated with esotericism and anthroposophy; and read Steiner, among others extensively in my free time.

If I didn't believe in miracles and things metaphysical, how could I explain then Esme's survival when she took poison 28 years ago? Doctors were convinced she should have died. What about falling in love with her after one date? There had to be destiny there somewhere and not just luck. And what about the boys? Here were three boys born of different parents and yet, from the day we took them in, Esme and I knew they were connected somehow, that they would complete and support each other in some way or another. We weren't wrong in our observation and we weren't the only ones who noticed. Our native friends, who were more in touch with the spirit world so to speak; saw this connection between the boys as well.

Speaking of Natives, Billy was an old old friend, I had been to his hunting ritual initiation when I was still a kid in Forks. His advice was worth a talent of gold in my mind.

Esme looked at me as if I had grown wings or..devil horns for that matter.

"Carlisle, what kind of ceremony are you talking about?" she asked me curiously if not suspiciously.

I explained to her what Billy Black told me then, sparing no detail. She was his mother for heaven sake, she had the right to know what kind of devil ceremony I was allowing our son to be initiated into. I was surprised when she acceded without much so much a fight.

"You don't mind?" I asked a little disbelievingly.

"No.. Billy and his family are our friends, and if he thinks a cleansing ceremony might help, I say why not. As long as it doesn't involve bloodletting and sacrificing animals in our home, I'm fine with that.. Jasper needs all the blessings he can get." She said simply. I obviously underestimated my wife.

"No... he didn't mention anything about bloodletting or animal sacrifices.. maybe a little burning here and there?" I supplied, almost expecting her to put her foot down and say no again. She nodded cheerfully to me.

Now to impress the idea to our kids.

*********

**Emmett POV**

"Wha..oughfdh.." I nearly choked on my chocolate beverage. By the look of things, so did Jasper and Edward. We were at the moment having a brotherly 'discussion' in Jas's hospital room.

"Could you repeat that ..err dad?" Jasper asked once the three of us had collected ourselves. I caught him steadying his own mug and Edward resting his on Jas's bed. I rested mine on Jas's bed as well.

Dad coughed slightly and calmly repeated himself. We heard it right the first time alright. If dad wasn't standing in front of us right now, I would have laughed outright at the ridiculous request.

_On second thought. Cross that._

I laughed out loud and my beverage threatened to spill on Jas's pristine white sheet yet again. My brothers were trying their best not to join me while simultaneously glaring daggers at me it seemed. I collected myself very quickly. It was pretty rude to laugh at your dad, I supposed. Jasper slammed his hand against my shoulder deliberately.

"Oww.." I muttered and rubbed the not so sore place where he had just hit me. He raised an eyebrow to me. I knew what that meant.

"So..rry dad.." I semi chuckled an apology to our dad who was looking a little embarrassed now. He smiled tightly.

"Well..soo.. is it okay with you boys if we do this ceremony?" He asked again, as if we didn't hear it the first time. I looked at Jasper and Edward for a moment, before the three of us nodded in unison at dad, albeit a little dumbfounded. His smile relaxed and he walked over to the bed, donned his doctor's coat again and proceeded to check on Jasper quickly.

"How's the chest?" He asked, while checking Jas's temp and heart rate.

"Just a little irritated still but no phlegm, I'm fine," he answered easily.

Dad asked Edward and me next and we responded in the same manner.

"Good.. well great then. You three are going to be released tomorrow, so we'll have the ceremony done tomorrow evening, the sooner the better," he expressed a little too cheerfully, giving Edward a little clap on the shoulder before he excused himself to go do his daily rounds. The moment he was out of sight, we broke into a round of chuckles.

"What..the hell just happened there??" Edward mused, taking another gulp of his beverage.

"You tell me..I was this close to asking dad if he should have his head checked….who..would have thought…" I said a little disbelievingly.

"Billy's a good friend, I suppose there's no harm in doing a ceremony like that if it helps to alleviate their worries," Jasper proposed then. We mused quietly for a moment. We did really worry our parents this time. And I was sure as much as dad was proud of Jasper's superhero antics, I didn't think he was very happy when he had to put Jas under heavy medication to counter the pneumonia he had contracted.

"Hey, remember the time we went to see Jacob's initiation?" he added again, a wide smile appearing on his pink tinged face.

"Whoah..how could I forget..that was shitload of fun!!" I chimed in instantly.

............

******

We went home the next morning. All in all we had spent a week in the hospital. Not too bad considering the accident we had. The only tell tale signs of our unceremonious dip into the Bogachiel now was my cast ankle, Edward's yellowing bruise on his temple and Jas's occasional dry coughs. Other than that we were hale as the sun.

Mom and the girls all came to fetch us in two cars.

"Did mom say anything to you girls?" I asked Rosie as she sidled next to me in the backseat of the Jeep. Bella was driving and Edward had gone up front. Jasper and Alice left with mom in her car.

"The ceremony? Yeah she did," she responded unfazed. Bella seemed relaxed as well. Edward and I looked at one another a little nonplussed for a second, surprised by their reaction or rather non reaction.

"O..kay..I guess you girls are not weirded out by this…" I drawled.

Rosie's response was not what I expected.

"Grandma Hale's done a few séances at her home, it's totally cool," she said easily. I saw Edward flash a "that's freaky" glance at her for a minute.

"Haven't you ever played Ouija board before?? I think it's going to be fun.." Bella chimed in now, while Rosie nodded her head to me enthusiastically. I could only wonder what Alice thought of it.

"Anyway, Esme said that there won't be any bloodletting or animal sacrificing, and she seems really looking forward to it, so I don't see why not," she added again, all the while concentrating on the road.

"Well…if you girls say so then," I responded finally, relaxing into the seat as Rosie settled beside me.

We arrived home soon enough and spent the day chilling at home, waiting for evening to come, for the fanfare to begin.

************

**Edward POV**

Dad returned at about 6 and we had supper early. Billy and a few friends came over at about half past 7. After a quick introduction, we were ushered into the ceremony immediately. Everyone was gathered in the lounge as Billy started explaining to us what the ceremony entailed. After a short prayer in their native tongue, Jasper was made to stand in the middle of the our haphazard circle while Billy burnt a bundle of loosely tied plant, which mom whispered to us was Sage. When the plant started smoldering, Billy started smudging Jasper's personal space - fanning the smoke upwards from Jasper's left leg to his head, before moving down to his right leg again, going around him as he did so. He repeated this four times, incanting prayers in his native tongue while he worked around him. As he was doing this on Jasper, the other four people burnt the same herb and with dad's permission started going about the house and rooms. The sole lady that came with them performed the process collectively on us. When this was done, Billy burnt another plant – cedar this time. It was a pungent almost disinfectant smelling, but not offensive in the least. We were told that this was to purify and remove any negative emotional energy troubling him. I thought I saw Jasper's eyes darkened for a second there.

_Let's hope that helps with his dreams. _I thought quietly as they repeated the process with the cedar around the house again.

When that was over, Billy burned a sweet smelling plant called sweetgrass and repeated the process again on Jasper and then the rest of us. He later explained that sweetgrass was one of the Native's most sacred herbs, and its purpose was to bring in the positive energies into our space after having gotten rid of the negative energies and influences. The ceremony took all about 40 minutes and when they had all returned to the lounge with us, it was ended by a short prayer of thanksgiving, before mom invited them for coffee and biscuits.

I had to say, I was a bit disappointed. I was expecting more hoo hah magic I supposed. I could tell Emmett was expecting the same, he looked absolutely let down. Jasper, I guess was at least a little more discreet in hiding his feelings.

"What were you guys expecting? A cauldron filled with magic potion?" Rosie exclaimed to us while we sat down discussing the ceremony afterwards.

"Hell yeah.. magic potion, incantations shit like that, bubble bubble toil and trouble," Emmett stated a little too honestly. The girls only laughed at his response.

"Boys…everything has to be bloody exciting and huge or it's nothing at all," Bella muttered rolling her eyes. Alice and Rosie chuckled after her instantly while the three of us stared at them in mock hurt.

"Hey!" I responded to her mockingly.

"Of course you're not a boy sweetheart.." she jumped to my side instantly and started licking at my bruised ego with her lips. I, of course could not resist that and received a round of groans from my siblings and their respective partners.

*******

**JPOV**

I had to say I was expecting a bit more fanfare but in the end it didn't matter because I actually felt better. I didn't know why, I just did. I pulled Alice close to me while everyone mingled a bit after the ceremony had ended. I was about to go and get us some more coffee with Alice when the oldish lady approached me and looked at me kindly. Her hair was gray and almost white in some places, but she had this warm and inviting maternal look on her soft crinkly face, sort of the look I would have enjoyed having on a grandma if I had one. I was rooted in my place and couldn't help but smile at her as she approached me. I felt myself relax instinctively when she laid a soft hand on my cheek.

"You have been through so much in your young life, haven't you?" she said softly to me, not so much asking but more so stating it to me. I couldn't help lean further into her hand. I felt my heart tug a little at her words. _ Tell me about it._

"Sometimes it feels as if there is no light at the end of your path, and you feel like giving up?" Her brown eyes dug deeply into my blue ones.

My heart tugged a little more. _Yes. Sometimes it feels like it is easier to just..  
_

"But you're a fighter. It's not your nature to give up," she said to me then, giving me my answer. I smiled again at her insight.

Then I saw the lines between her brows deepen.

"A woman..she hurt you..deeply," she murmured again, sounding a little sad, if it was possible. I felt my own face crease now. _Maria_. She was talking about Maria. I caught Alice standing behind her looking at me concernedly. I knew she must have heard her. I ignored Alice for the moment and nodded subtly to the woman.

"But no longer." She smiled back at me. I smiled back. She was right about that. The smile did not linger though before her face darkened slightly once more.

"Your dreams are dark, they trouble you?"

I was shocked yet again and I felt myself shudder just a little now. I nodded and my hand went up unconsciously to hold hers that was touching me on my cheek. I squeezed it ever so slightly and welcomed the feeling of safety I got from it.

"Don't let them have power over you child, they are wraiths, they survive only if you feed them with your fear," she said ever so softly.

"There is light within you. Focus on that."

I relaxed almost immediately at her words.

"And stay close to her, she helps to keep them at bay," she smiled at me now. _Alice. She was talking about her now. _ I smiled back again. Somehow I thought I saw her nod quietly at my silent answer in return. Just before she let me go, she came even closer to me and whispered.

"Before the end of the day, you'll need courage and strength. Remember the ones you love and their love for you, yes?" she looked at me intently as if giving me a heads up or a warning, I wasn't quite sure which. My forehead creased again. I was a bit lost for words so I merely nodded and murmured a quiet thanks to her. She enveloped me in a warm and reassuring hug before she let go and joined her friends again. I was left there standing pondering at her final words before Alice's touch returned my thoughts to her.

"You okay Jazz?" she asked quietly. I smiled and draped my arm over her shoulder and pulled her into my side.

"Yeah.. let's go get that coffee." I murmured in return. She gave me a quiet look before leaning into my ribs and squeezing my waist as we walked together to the kitchen. I knew there was a silent question attached to the one she had vocalized to me, and I would ease her concerns soon enough.

**Esme POV**

"I'm glad you did this honey," I spoke to my husband when the last of our guests were finally gone. He looked down at me happily.

"You don't think I'm huffing over hot air still do you?" he asked a little embarrassedly.

"I'm not sure about the cursed thing still," I smirked. He gave me a mock look of hurt for a second before the smile appeared on his face again. He chuckled at my response lightly.

"… but this was good. Somehow.. they did something. I feel lighter." I told him honestly. He pulled me in and kissed the top of my head quickly before murmuring his agreement.

"Me too.. honey. Me too," he responded softly as we looked at the rest of our family still seated in the lounge. Everyone looked lighter. Happier somehow. Even Jasper looked a lot better. A little rosier. I had been curious to know what the lady had said to him earlier as I noticed him tense a few times while they were talking but seeing how much better he looked now, perhaps it had been something good after all.

*********

**JPOV**

She crept up to my side and ran her tiny hand on my thigh and looked up at me.

"You're not tired yet?" she asked, probably wondering why I was still sitting on the bed instead of lying down.

"Getting there.." I murmured softly. Our fingers played catch again for a moment. She tinkled a laugh when I caught hers quickly.

"What did you think of the ceremony?" I asked her.

"I don't know if this makes sense, but something's changed somehow," she said a little unsure, though maybe only of her wording. She quirked a curious eye at me. _ You?_

"I actually feel a lot lighter…you know what I mean?" I responded. She nodded. I laughed a little then, recalling our reactions when dd had first suggested it.

"To think we thought dad was a little mad when he first suggested it,"

"Oh yeah..tell me about it, when your mom first mentioned it to us, I was a little shocked to know where it came from, but I ..didn't think it was proper to say that to your mom," she responded. We chatted a bit.

"Babe..something you want to tell me?" she inquired a little later when she noticed that I was delaying snuggle time.

I sighed. Time to open Pandora's box. It was now or never.

"Yeah.. I want to tell you about Maria…" I started.

She instinctively turned her body and turned me to face her. When her legs were draped over my thighs and mine were crossed behind the small of her back; and her hands were on my arms rubbing me gently; when she had made her calming presence known to me through our physical contact, only then did my story begin.

If I had thought I was through feeling the feelings I went through with Maria and because of her, I was wrong. She no longer taunted me in the way she used to, but the dark memory and the emotion that went with it still beset me. I had to stop a few times to recollect myself and not get angry or emotional over the things I was relaying to her. She listened silently. The assurance that she was indeed listening to me intently was the changing color in her face and eyes as I told her the details of my dark history with Maria and the aftermath of it. The other was her ever present touch on my arms or my sides, on my chest or my face.

I was spent when I finished. She pulled her legs away from mine suddenly and for a second I was afraid she was disgusted by my story, disgusted by how weak I had been. Being played and taunted; no _abused_ by a girl, no less. I almost panicked. _ Was she going to change her mind now? _I calmed down the moment I realized she was only rearranging herself so she could kneel close and wrap me in her arms.

"I am soo sorry Jazz.. for what you've been through," she whispered to my hair. When she pulled back, I could see emotion swirling in her eyes. Anger, pain, sadness.

"You shouldn't feel weak or disgusted at yourself though. There are just some really evil people out there and sometimes we just get unlucky and cross paths with them, you know? Perhaps your only weakness is your kind nature, your faith in the innate goodness in people, and your hope that there is good in them somewhere; and that landed you in the darkness you were in all those years. I know - it's depressing and disappointing when people you care about deeply don't come up to scratch. But you see, it's not your weakness, it's theirs. She could not appreciate you for what you were and are still and resorted to all those things to make herself feel better. Really babe, it's her loss at the end of the day."

"You don't think I'm weak? That I cry? That I hurt myself for her?" I asked, my hands holding her on her hips.

"No. I only think that we make mistakes and sometimes people take advantage of it. Heck I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I think in a way you were very brave to have hoped for the goodness in her. Not all of us are courageous like that you know," she answered me honestly.

I let out a self deprecating chuckle._ Look where it got me._

"Sweetheart, I don't think you're weak. I think you're courageous. The fact that you're still capable of loving the way you do so unreservedly and passionately after this... You..you have an amazing, kind and beautiful soul inside here.." she tapped into my chest with her finger gently.

I could only gape at her in amazement. How she could render me into a blubbering statue with a few sentences, I couldn't even begin to explain. I pulled her in and kissed her wholeheartedly.

"She's no longer hurting you?" She asked me a little later. I looked at her silently for a second. I remembered my conversation with the old lady again.

"No. Not anymore." I said to her with absolute sincerity. She smiled. I pulled her down eye level to me again and lavished her lips with my own.

"You're very good for me Alice," I told her when we were lying in bed several long minutes later. Her tinkly laugh vibrated against my skin.

"That makes two of us babe.." she said to me, throwing her leg across my torso again and her arm draped over my chest, while my arm went under her neck and the other clasped her hand that was on my chest; our customized sleeping position. I pulled up the duvet to cover us.

"I'm glad Bella was there for you…remind me to thank her tomorrow will you?" she said to me just as we both yawned. I nodded with a smile on my face.

"I love you Jazzy," she murmured looking up at me, her eyes closed. I kissed her nose and returned the sentiment to her as I pulled her closer to me still and we snuggled for the night. I smiled at the knowledge that the dark dreams were not going to disturb me again tonight.

* * *

A/N: No vampires and wolves, but had to just add a bit of Native ritual in there..how was it?


	39. Surprises

Disclaimer: Character are SM's.

A/N: Here is a feel good chapter I would think. I've been reading a lot of feel good FF so I suppose it reflects on writing.... oh well.. i was tired of kleenexes anyway..

* * *

**Chapter 28: Surprises**

9 September

**Alice POV**

I was 23 today!

I had actually forgotten that it was my birthday until I woke up this morning. I suppose that was to be expected with all the drama currently playing in my life. The love of my life, my center, my sun, was battling an aggressive form of leukemia and not two months ago had slipped into coma unexpectedly and stopped breathing for five minutes. Just a week ago, we were involved in a near collision with another vehicle. We managed to avoid it, but his brothers Emmett and Edward hit a barricade as a result and went over the bridge into the raging river. They would have probably died if my love, their brother hadn't gone after them. His heroism saved their lives, but he ended up getting sick again as a result. And his stubbornness to see them while he was an invalid himself ended up with him nearly worsening the pneumonia he was fighting.

When I made this decision two months ago to be with Jasper, I expected my life changed in some way, but never did I expect this level of drama. I grossly underestimated the Cullens. And here I thought MDE had too much of it.

I laughed.

Drama or not, I would not change it for anything. Being with Jasper and his family for all of two months might've given me more than enough drama to last me a year, but I couldn't recall ever being happier than I was now either. It was a worthy trade.

_Where was Jasper? Was he up already? What time was it?_

I wondered if he remembered. My birthday that is. He had asked me way back in the beginning, when we had just started calling each other. Carlisle did tell me though that chemo sometimes made people forgetful, so if he forgot, I couldn't really be angry with him for it. Besides, he only just recovered from the accident. His mind was probably occupied by a lot more pertinent stuff than my birthday.

I cringed at the thought of the accident again. Everything had turned out right in the end, and we were all relieved that their stay in the hospital had been brief and relatively smooth. But I doubted the memory of the day would be erased from my brain quickly. I still shuddered with cold fear when the image of his face before he went after them flashed in my mind, as much as I felt the dread envelope me when I saw him disappear under the raging water.

_Was it selfish of me to hope that he remembered my birthday?_

I opened the bathroom door expecting him to be going through his medication but he wasn't there either. I frowned. Did I really wake up that late? What time was it? I walked back to the bedroom to retrieve my cellphone and nearly fell on my ass.

_What the hell? It was almost 10?!_

We were usually up at 7. I freaking overslept 3 hours and it wasn't even the weekend! I ran into the bathroom instantly. God knew what Jasper or Esme probably thought of me now. A pig maybe.

_Why in the hell didn't he wake me up?? Why didn't I wake up with him??_

Ahh yes.. it was probably the hike. That tired me. We had gone for a hike in the forest yesterday, all of us. Carlisle had wanted to show us one of the boys' hangouts, a rock pool about a mile's hike into the forest. Esme, Emmett and Jasper stayed in the meadow and prepared lunch while the rest of us went to see this pool. The boys had swum there many times as kids, and cliff dived from the edge of the waterfall above it a few hundred times as well. It was a beautiful place, even though the trek up was quite a workout. I was a dancer, not an endurance sportsperson. By the time we returned, I was deadbeat and had built an appetite the size of Emmett. It was all I could do to attack the picnic spread laid out on the blanket on the ground.

"Whoah..look who's hungry!" Emmett had exclaimed loudly to everyone when he saw my overfilling plate. I caught Jasper's raised eyebrow too before he gave me one of those gorgeous happy winks.

I gave myself a quick rinse under the shower and rushed to get dressed. I only hoped they weren't waiting on me downstairs.

By the time I got downstairs though, I realized that my worry was unfounded. I saw that Edward and Emmett were busy playing with the XBOX again and Rose was sitting on the other couch, reading a magazine. I didn't see Bella or Jazz and could only presume they were outside chatting.

"Morning everyone," I said loudly, making my presence known as I made my way to the kitchen.

"Morning sleepyhead!" Edward and Emmett both chimed to me from their seats in front of the TV and stuck out their tongues to me playfully. I returned the act childishly and shook my head. Since my unexpected arrival and entry into the Cullens' household, Edward and Emmett had become my brothers in a way, though not as much as they were Jasper's obviously. If initially we were shy and courteous with each other, in the last month, we had definitely outgrown that. Emmett was always pulling pranks on me these days and Edward; Edward treated me like a younger sister. Even though technically I was older than he was. It didn't matter; I relished the sisterly adoration and love they showered me. Growing up as an only child, I lucked out on sibling privileges, and now I was more than blessed.

I was waiting for the coffee to boil when I heard Rosie coming up behind me.

"Morning Alice.." she chimed as she pulled out an extra mug for me to fill. I greeted her back.

"Hike tired you out?" she asked, leaning against the kitchen counter. I nodded at her and poured coffee into our mugs before passing hers. I quirked an eyebrow when I saw the funny gleam in her eyes.

"Was it the hike or was it something else?" she inquired softly, grinning at me naughtily.

I nearly choked on my coffee.

_Oh God. Did she think Jazz and I…????_

"Ahh…" she sighed, and her grin widened fractionally as she sipped her coffee.

"Rosie!" I muttered a little embarrassedly. Embarrassed because one, she was making an obvious suggestion about my sex life with Jazz, and two because it was…well….. non - existent at this point.

"Nothing to be embarrassed about sweetheart, you're a big girl..we can share stuff right……"

"Rosie..can we talk about something else?" I replied, looking at her with the mug in my lips still. I didn't want to start hashing out our bedroom stories to her. Well, not yet. Not until it got saucy anyhow. And that could take months!

_If not …years? _

_Oh God. _

_What if…_

I shove the thought away from my mind before my brain had a chance to process it. I knew I was only going to dig a hole for myself if I started on that.

I must have looked grim though, because she saw the answer playing in my eyes clearly and she blanched instantly.

"Oh God..sorry….Alice, sorry..I didn't mean..to.." she muttered apologetically. A hand came up to rub me on my upper arm quickly. I gave her a tight smile.

"It's okay, you couldn't have known.." I muttered a little shyly.

"…Soo..you guys haven't…?" she asked discreetly. I shook my head. And saw the flash of empathy on her face again.

"So..where's everyone?" I asked, surreptitiously trying to change the topic.

The curious gleam flickered back into her blue eyes, and I felt myself cower at the impending question she was about to throw me. In the time that I had known Rosie, I could deduce a few things about her.

One, she had a mouth that was sharper than the sharpest Japanese knives out there; two, she was one heck of a gorgeous woman - just like Jazz was one heck of a gorgeous man; three, she had balls of steel – figuratively of course; if she wanted something she'd get it by hook or by crook and didn't necessarily need men to do it for her, four; she was blatantly open about sex, even in front of Esme and Carlisle. She was Emmett's match alright. They talked sex, ate sex, slept sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. I might have had many experiences with the opposite sex but we still didn't talk sex the way we talked food in Italy.

I should have known Rosie would not stop at 'I'm sorry," because she didn't.

"And..you haven't been then…. Alice…surely you have urges.??" She asked, almost shocked.

_Yes. I am a woman. I have urges. Oh God. Why are we talking about this on my birthday. So early in the morning?_

I almost rolled my eyes and groaned.

"Rosie…really, don't you think it's too early to be talking about this stuff?" I hissed softly, feeling my cheeks flame.

She grinned, and waved a hand, belittling my concern.

"Ahh what am I thinking…Sure you do..look Alice, we're practically family, if you need.. I can get you toys…I know someone who supplies these things…" she suggested with a wiggle of her perfectly shaped eyebrows.

_Wha???_

I choked on the coffee again. And spilled on my dress this time.

"Oh fuck. Fuck. Fuck!" I cursed softly at the blossoming stain on my white eyelet lace dress.

_Fuck it Rosie. I already woke up late, now I have to get changed again! _ I looked at her almost annoyingly.

"Whoops!...sorry Alice…my…I didn't think you'd be such a prude in the issue….maybe you should go get changed though….that's going to stain," she pushed me towards the stairs instantly.

"But the floor!" I exclaimed, pointing to the mess. She ignored my words and pushed me along.

"I'll clean it up…go get changed…" she clucked again and pointed at the stairs with her finger to me. I shrugged in defeat and lugged myself upstairs again.

When I came down 15 minutes later, everyone had magically disappeared.

"Guys?" I called out. No answer. Where the hell did everyone go now?

_What the fuck is with everything today? Am I in twilight zone or something?_

I thought silently as I started towards the patio.

"Gu……"

"**Surprise!!!!" **

7 loud yells freaked the bejesus out of me suddenly that I jumped and nearly tripped on my wedges.

The moment I recovered, which was a few seconds later, I couldn't believe my eyes. Hands went to my mouth instantly as I looked at the little party they had set up for me in the backyard. The huge wooden picnic table was covered with an overwhelming load of food, and in the middle, there was a gorgeous yellow fondant icing cake with white flowers on them. On the side, boxes of presents lay awaiting me. I felt my eyes threatening to water even as Bella and Rosie pushed me towards the center and they blew party horns at me. I looked across to Jasper who was standing with his arms crossed on his chest, head tilted slightly to one side, grinning at me guiltily and happily.

"Happy birthday Alice," Esme came over and kissed me on the cheek. I hugged her. And then I was passed to Carlisle, Bella, Rosie, Emmett and Edward. And finally, I was passed to Jasper. His shoulder was shaking in light glee by the time I made my way to him.

"Surprise my love," he said chuckling as he stepped forward and virtually pulled me up into a hug. I squealed.

"You…arranged this didn't you?" I asked almost accusingly when he put me down on the floor again; I didn't bother to hide the widespread grin on my face.

"Guilty as charged, with a little help from the family of course," he answered. He directed me to the main table and pulled my chair out for me.

"I..I'm I don't know what to say.." I broke as I looked at the food, at the cake, the decorations, the presents and the people around me. My birthdays in the last 5 years were spent in nightclubs dancing and partying with friends and waking up with monstrous hangovers or worse, strangers. I hadn't had a real, decent party like this since..since I was a child. I felt like Alice in wonderland having a tea party suddenly and it made me just a tad bit nostalgic.

"Sunshine?" He peered into my traitorous eyes.

"I'm..I haven't had a party like this in years.. how did you…" I bit my lip quickly.

"I've always wanted to celebrate my birthday like this and never had the chance.." I admitted, a little teary eyed.

"I had a feeling.. you'd want a family oriented celebration this year…" he answered almost shyly.

I didn't even have to think. My body moved on autopilot and sought his lips in gratitude instantly.

He tasted like mulled wine. Sweet. Rich. Spicy. I leaned in deeper wanting to breathe him in. His reflex mirrored mine instantly. My hand sought his jaw.

_Stars. Plan…_

Emmett hooted at us.

"Okay kids….we know you two are probably horny right now…"

We separated at once.

"..but leave the heavy parts to tonight okay? Let's eat! " he guffawed and thumped Jasper's shoulder playfully before digging in. I burned a little redder when everyone laughed at his comment. It was then I realized that they had never really seen us get caught in a kiss like that. Our displays of affection had really been limited to holding hands and chaste pecks. I caught Esme's elated wink at Jasper then and I couldn't help but grin at the exchange.

************

"Make a wish Alice,"

They all chimed at me as Jasper lit the candles on the beautiful cake that Esme had made. I never quite took making wishes on my birthday seriously but for some reason this time I wanted to take it seriously. I closed my eyes and took my time forming the wish in my head; uttered it quietly in my heart before letting it go wherever wishes were supposed to go to have them turned into reality. For the first time in many a year, I prayed that my wish would come true this time.

Then I blew all the candles.

"Happy birthday baby," he whispered to my ear softly before leaning over to kiss me softly in the lips again.

Esme and Carlisle gave me a spa package gift card that was valid for a year.

"Open mine, open mine!" Emmett yelled and pushed a big box into my hand. I tore the wrapper with flourish and laughed when I saw it was a giant Cheshire Cat soft toy.

"Ohhh….cute!!" I moaned.

"I figured you'd like some familiar company…when Jazz goes in for his BMT.." he said half jokingly, as he ran his hand over his hair nervously. Emmett may have been a big man, but he was a big softie at heart. He'd taken time to look for a perfect gift for me. I was touched by his gesture.

"I'm not a cat Emmett!!" Jazz moaned teasingly. Everyone laughed at Jazz's remark. The big guy only smirked.

"Who said it's supposed to be you dude!" he retorted and snickered.

"It's really thoughtful Emm..I love it, thank you," I responded and flung my arms around his bulky frame quickly for a hug.

"Here's from me," Rosie gave me her present. It was a Tiffany box. And inside was a simple chain necklace with a topaz pendant hanging at the end. I was floored.

"It's exquisite! " I told her wide eyed. _It couldn't have been cheap._

She looked at Jasper briefly before she turning to me and reminding me again of the significance of the stone.

"It's Jasper's birthstone. I thought you might like to wear him close.." she said almost quietly.

"Oh Rosie…this…this is beautiful.." I whispered as my eyes watered slightly at her thoughtfulness. I hugged her thankfully.

She laughed suddenly and gave me a knowing look again.

"My offer still stands yes?" she hushed quietly. I almost turned red again.

"Here's our gift." Edward and Bella came forward next.

"We reckoned you needed a bit of help cataloging Jasper's extensive history….." Bella snickered as she opened the leather bound album for me. They had made a scrapbook album of Jasper's childhood pictures and memories.

"We've done the past for you, so you can start cataloging the present and future…" Edward stated teasingly to me.

"Oh guys..this is so thoughtful.. Ohh.. it's..beautiful," I beamed gratefully before enveloping them in a hug as well.

Jasper came to me now and pushed a simple red square box in front of me.

"And here is mine.." he said softly. I gave him a curious look as before my hand reached out to open the box.

It was empty, except for a card inside. He came up to kneel beside me even as I turned the card around and saw that he had sketched a heart inside an image of a sun on it. It was so simple it could have been made by a preschooler, but the symbolism of it was so meaningful that it made my eyes water instantly.

"Sorry for the preschool drawing… it's supposed to be my heart.." he chuckled sheepishly while running his hand over his beanie. I ignored the curious looks of the rest of the family as they curiously looked at the simple card on the table now.

"I know… but it's perfect," I replied sincerely. If this had been his gift, it would have been enough. He opened his mouth again.

"The truth is,"

"I've racked my brain trying to find you a perfect gift, and I honestly couldn't." He laughed quietly for a moment before his blue eyes darkened slightly and looked into mine intensely.

"You've given me so much Alice Brandon, and I can never thank you enough for coming into my life."

He paused, took a breath and continued.

"Since this thing came about, I've had to review, really review what the word living means to me. And I've been really afraid of dying, because I felt there was still something missing in my life. Falling in love with you has given new meaning to the word living to me Alice; I've lived more in the last 2 months with you beside me than my entire 22 years. If I die tomorrow, I'm not afraid, only because you've given me the courage to face that now. And I continue to fight for tomorrow, because you've given me hope for the future as well."

His eyes glistened like sapphires that have trapped the morning sun in them and his voice wavered just a little bit with the weight of emotion dripping from every word.

I felt my chest heave.

I heard a sob somewhere.

His fingers came up to wipe the tears that had unknowingly slipped past my eyes.

"I can only give you my heart because honestly, that's the only fitting gift you deserve." He said with a tiny smile. I wanted to kiss the lone tear that escaped his eyes, but I was frozen in my spot.

"You have it. It's yours. Only yours sunshine." The sincerity in his words, the meaningfulness of the words themselves was worth more than all the money in the world.

I flung my arms around him even as more tears ran down my face.

"It's perfect.. it's perfect!" I sobbed to him repeatedly. When he pulled away again though, there was a small box on the table in front of me.

I heard gasps.

I froze.

In his hand now he held a resplendent ring - 3 interwoven bands, in gold and white gold. A trinity knot where the bands met again. Two diamonds in the heart of it, as if kissing.

He looked at me again; I saw hope, faith, and love written in his eyes, clear as day.

"My love, I know I should probably wait until this transplant is over, heck I should maybe wait at least a year into this, but I don't want to regret not having the chance to say this to you either. I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't want to tie you into something that I'm not even sure I can deliver just yet. I just want to promise you something though, that if I make it – I would want nothing else other than to spend the rest of my life with you. So.... I was wondering if you would accept this promise ring from me, as a token of my devotion to you?" His voice rang out clear like the bells on Sunday church. And it was heavy with heartfelt emotion.

I was at a loss for words suddenly. More fat tears rolling down my face.

"Alice? Will you?' he asked again.

I felt someone nudge me and I somehow found my voice.

"I do.. with all my heart.. I do.." I replied tearfully, barely containing the bursting feeling inside of me.

He pulled my right hand to his, kissed it and then slid the ring into my finger. It fit me perfectly. And he beamed, like the sun that he was.

_I love you._

Amidst the tears that were blinding me at the moment, my arms found his neck. My lips found his lips.

I didn't hear the cheers or the happy tears around us then. Our surroundings had fallen away again, just as it did when I first met him in the center that day 2 months ago – and for a beautiful second it was just him and me, in this bubble of happiness that was ours.

I was his. Irrevocably and undeniably his.

And he was mine.

**********

I woke up at midnight again to the sound of Jasper moaning in his sleep. I turned around instantly from my current position; we had ended up spooning each other through the night. It took a bit of effort to twist myself around in his tight grasp but I eventually managed to. _Thank God for small waist!_

I shook his shoulder immediately. He moaned again.

_Hang on. _ My forehead creased as my head registered the information. This was not the usual.

_He..he…he moaned._

My fingers stopped where they were, on his shoulder.

I looked at his sleeping face as I did every time I had a chance to view him undisturbed. Waiting for the tell tale crease on his face that would instantly tell me if he was having yet another nightmare.

He moaned again.

_Butterflies, butterflies..in the pit of my stomach.  
_

"Ali.."

I bit my lip and held my breath. My eyes widening slightly at the particular look on his face now. Lust.

He was having a wet dream?

_No fucking way!_

A grin passed my face.

_He was having a wet dream of me….._

A low growl. I shuddered in my position. The sound he was making was making me feel things, imagine things I shouldn't be feeling, thinking right now. My fingers ghosted his arm and I thought I heard him purr or growl softly some more.

_Fuck. That was hot. Too hot._

My rational and irrational sides warred silently between leaving him in his dreams ( and me watching him, and possibly jumping him) and waking him up.

Guilt won. I felt like a perve suddenly watching him having such a dream and my hands sought to wake him instantly. I touched his cheek gently and breathed his name to his face.

"Jazz?"

"Jazz angel? Wake up baby.." I ushered softly and shook his shoulder again.

"Al..ice?"

Glazed eyes opened finally to look into mine. I waited for a brief moment for him to awaken to his surroundings.

"Nice dream?" I whispered afterwards, barely able to contain my giggle. It took him a moment to register that I had been witness to some part of his wet dreaming. He growled into my face embarrassedly and buried his lips on my neck quickly. When he pulled back, he was all smiles though and his eyes were awake.

We laid there face to face on our sides, pale silvery light from the moon in the night sky washing over our forms partly through the opened curtain; his face, part of mine, his neck and his chest, my shoulders, my hips. Words were lost between us then. Silence reigned supreme as he looked into my face intently, even as I looked into his chiseled features. I shuddered minutely when I felt his elegant fingers began tracing my silhouette, starting from the top of my head, down the span of my neck, dipped into the dent in between my collarbones, did a painfully slow, feathery, languid circle over my exposed chest, just short of the hem of my camisole, just above the beginnings of the rise of my breasts; before going back up to trace the dip between my collarbones again and over to the small roundness of my shoulder. I shuddered even more as his fingers started skating dreamily down the length of my arm, leaving visible goose bumps in their wake. I closed my eyes as I melted into his touch and my own fingers reached out to caress his shirt covered chest. I felt his fingers leave the safety of my arms after a short while, and traveled down to the discernible valley between my ribs and hips. He lingered there for a bit before traveling further south. I couldn't help it when my left ass started twitching ever so slightly to the gentle ministrations of his fingers and palm as they stroked feathery patterns on my hip and my hand that was on his chest twisted on the his shirt material reflexively. Neither could I stop the shuddered gasp from escaping my lips. Nor could I control the impulsive arching of my spine soon after; pushing my chest closer to his, and my hip pushing backwards into his palm, which was suddenly gripping me rather tightly. I opened my eyes to see his glazed with desire, longing. Need. I didn't have to have a mirror to know my own face looked exactly the same.

_Damn…I wanted him now. So much._

"Baby," he whispered. His voice was husky and filled with so much longing and want that it sent spikes of lust through my skin and I felt myself dampen between my legs. I pushed his hand down to shush the twitch on my ass and his glazed eyes widened discernibly when he felt the shudder he was causing on my body. I heard a low growl escape his lips and suddenly I was pulled flushed against his whole body. I gasped.

"Jasper?" I looked at him, a little shocked at the obvious thing pressing against my thighs now.

"I know…… uh...surprise?" He whispered, grinning a little. He looked a little shocked himself. I guess he wasn't expecting it either. I bit my own lip to hide the growing grin on my face.

"We don't have to.." I whispered as I sneaked a quick bite of his inviting lips.

_But Oh God I want to._

"Baby…I..want..you…" he whispered back lustfully and dipped down to nibble at mine.

_Decency be damned. Fuck it all._

"I want you too…" I breathed into his face hungrily and bit his inviting lower lip again. His moan only made the lust in me increase tenfold.

Our hands came to life suddenly and they were grappling and grazing on every inch of skin within their reach; his, mine. Our lips locked in a death embrace, tongues dueling, dancing.

********

" Jas…Jasper…are... are we doing this?" I asked again a little unsure as I sat on his lap now, his very obvious erection pressing against my own damp sex, our obvious craving and satisfaction separated only by a thin sheet of satin material and cotton fleece.

"Only ..if you want to…" he murmured looking at me, hands rubbing at my sides now in quiet assurance. His eyes were dark. I wanted to submerge myself in them.

"I want to.." I murmured huskily to his face again.

His face frowned suddenly.

"Shit Oh shit...…I don't think I have any.." he started. I shushed him, knowing what he was complaining about. I had never been so grateful to my doctor as now when she had first suggested that I went on the pill.

"Are..are you..on..?" he asked looking up at me even as his hands crept up the inside of my camisole and grazed lightly on my breasts. His mouth gaped open slightly and his eyes glazed and rolled back as he touched my nipples with the pads of his fingers.

"Ye..yyess.." I answered, shuddering at his touch. I was on birth control pills. I told him.

Our clothes were shed in a flash and I was back on his lap, while he was lying on the bed, head propped up by our pillows. I wish I could say it was a _Notebook_ romantic moment then, our first night together, but as it were… but we were more like teenagers on their virgin night. Well…initially anyway.

"Maybe this position is best.."

"No …I think this is best baby,"

"Are you comfortable enough?"

"You must tell me if you feel pain, if it hurts..if you're tired.." I mumbled worriedly. Horny as I was for him right now, I couldn't slip past the fact that he was sick still.

He giggled. I scowled mockingly for a second before breaking into a giggle myself.

"I will my love….please…can we get on with it?" he pleaded almost impatiently and pressed his erection against me for added measure. I groaned out loud and let my head fall back before falling back to his chest. _Fuck he was hot and hard_! Just the feel of him against my skin made me wet even more. My lips did not leave his while he lifted me up slightly. I held him in position as he gently sat me back down. Our strained gasps leaving our lips as I felt him slide inside my core, filling me, stretching me, completing me.

"Ohhh…God…" we both moaned loudly.

"Oh God Alice..you're soo tight…and hot.." he panted into my mouth. He devoured me and his fingers grasped on my hips tightly.

My hands went to his cheeks, his jaw as I ravished his mouth; his hands were planting me, guiding me as I rolled my hips up and down his gorgeous, satisfying length.

He was beautiful. And he felt amazing inside of me.

"You feel amazing angel… …" I moaned as he rocked me.

His mouth traveled between my mouth and my breasts. I nibbled on his earlobes, ravished his beautiful neck, devoured his mouth, peppered kisses on his collarbones.

I mewled loudly when I felt his thumb go between our sweat clad bodies later and rub against my sensitive nub; my core muscles squeezing on their own accord at the delicious assault of his digit.

"God you..feel soo good....so beautiful.." he moaned into my face even as he worked me into a frenzy. I trapped a nipple between my teeth, and licked the bud into a pebble. He groaned into my hair, one hand trapping the black strands in between his fingers, pulling at them. Pads of his fingers flexing against my scalp, massaging me.

Our lovemaking was slow, but our senses were heightened that every touch, every brush of skin against skin was like fire erupting, releasing bursts of endorphins into our already hazy clad brains again and again. I started coming soon enough.

"Look at me my love..look at me when you come," he pleaded to me as I felt the coil in me tightening, my body arching impulsively against the delicious torment. He held my face above his and I bore my eyes into his as my climax took me over the edge and rolled me in wave after wave of ecstasy. I was wantonly moaning out and I couldn't give a damn if anyone heard us. It took him seconds to join me and he shuddered almost violently against my squeezing muscles, his eyebrows creasing deeply with each timed stroke, his mouth gaping into a wide 'O' like mine. And then his jaws clenched tightly for a moment before he broke into a loud satisfied groan and I felt him quake inside of me. His eyes never left mine. _I love you._

_Stars. Planets. Heaven._

I fell to his chest and his hands came up to stroke my back and my hair, mine running down his arms; as we lay there in silence, enjoying the euphoric bliss cocooning us.

*******

"Morning sunshine.."

A cheeky voice greeted me. The grin on his face was a mile wide.

"Did we sleep in? " I murmured, noticing that the sun was way up higher than usual.

"I think so…" he answered, smiling at me.

I laughed and buried my face in the crook of his neck, biting him playfully.

"That was some night hey?" he inquired with a raise of his eyebrow.

"Yup.." I muttered, playing two steps on his chest a little.

"Was..it okay?" I asked peering into his eyes. His appreciative moan answered me assertively.

"Was…it good for you?" he asked tentatively now, looking into my eyes in return.

"Fucking 2nd best birthday gift ever!!" I answered cheekily as I threw my leg over his hip again and snuggled closer.

He laughed.

_Hell Yeah!_

* * *

A/N: Whookay.....how wuz that? Please review!!


	40. The Package

Disclaimer: Original characters are SM's ( darn it!)

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed the citrus action in the last chapter. It was probably unexpected to some, but well, those things happen and it was a progression of Jazz and Alice's relationship, so to speak. Thanks again to all those who took time to guys rock.

Summary: Jasper and Carlisle deal with a not so comfortable topic.

* * *

**Filler 12: The Package**

**JPOV**

'_Hi mom, dad, Edward, Emmett, Alice, Bella and Rosie. _

_If you're all watching this, then I am probably not going to make it. _

_I'm sorry, I know this must hurt and I can only say that I am so sorry for causing all of you this pain. _

_I only hope that in time, the pain will lessen and this will be nothing but a tiny blot of ink in your memories...................................'_

I reviewed the recording again one last time before replacing it back into its case and putting it inside the brown envelope. I had written personal letters to each and every member of the family and put those into the envelope as well.

It felt a little weird at first when I had first started on writing the letters, but having done it now, I felt a measure of peace inside me at last. If anything were to happen to me, at least I knew I had myself covered in terms of last words and goodbyes.

I attached a short letter on the outside of the brown envelope for dad's attention before sealing it.

My last round of consolidation which would double as my preparative regimen was coming up this next Monday. After that I'd be getting my new stem cells from Rosie. A new lease of life.

As much as I was looking forward to be rid of this cancer once and for all, I was apprehensive about undergoing the transplant as well. I had been doing a lot of reading on BMTs and their possible complications during this break and from what I'd gathered, I was going to be expecting a rough and long ride to recovery. There were a lot of complications. Perhaps I shouldn't have read so much, because it only gave more fodder for morbid thoughts to fester in my mind, but I wanted to be prepared for this. For all eventualities. The good, the bad, the ugly. The brown package I now held in my hand was preparation for the ugly.

With a resigned sigh, I stood up, package in hand and headed for dad's office.

As I walked to his room, I prayed silently that the day he would need to take out the contents of this brown envelope and hand them out to the family would never arrive.

********

**Carlisle POV**

Jasper came to see me yesterday evening. It was our last week in Forks before we returned to Seattle and the next time he was to be released, he, Esme and Alice would be staying at a center approved apartment close to the center for at least 100 days. I was looking forward to this, if only it would culminate with him getting his health back and never having to undergo another torturous round of chemo. I had had enough of watching him suffer through that the last 6 months.

"Dad, I need a favor.." he asked a little shyly to me. I wondered if he was planning another surprise for Alice. When he had come to Esme and me about semi –proposing to Alice, we couldn't be happier. I was glad to know that our little chat when we were setting up the backyard for his date with her 6 weeks ago helped set his mind about what he wanted with regards to Alice. Sure they had dated only two months, but it was more than enough time to see and know that they were meant to be together. Just as I had known Esme and I were meant to be after one date. We were overjoyed to see him so happy. Esme and I had fallen in love with tiny Alice ourselves. She was everything that we hoped for, for Jasper.

"Planning another surprise?" I asked casually, hiding the grin on my face.

"Uh..no..actually.. I have something..I need you to give the family," he responded softly and placed a brown envelope on the table and pushed it to me. The smile on his face did not reach his eyes and suddenly I was anxious about the package he had just given me. It took me an instant to realize what it was.

_Of course. This must be his last …_

I didn't have the boldness to acknowledge it.

"There are letters… and a recording." He informed, smiling crookedly at me.

"I thought I should be prepared….just in case..I don't ..come home," as he looked at me, his eyes darkened and his face creased just a little.

"Don't say that..you will come home," I replied firmly, for both our sakes. He didn't fight with me on it, merely nodded. His gaze went wide then and he mulled silently on his next sentence for a bit before the blue eyes focused back at me.

"Will….will you and mom take care of Alice?" he asked softly then, concern marring his face. I knew he meant it in the sense that if he died, he would want us to take care of her, even if she wasn't technically our daughter in law yet.

"Son.. Alice is family whether you're married or not. We'll take care of her for you until you get home okay? Don't worry about her… you just worry about getting better." I said in response, mustering my voice to be as neutral as possible. His posture relaxed immediately.

"Thanks dad..I knew I could count on you…" he smiled.

He stood up and stepped forward to give me a tight hug before leaving me alone in my office again with the envelope now staring at me from my table.

When I turned it over, there was a note attached to it. His last instructions. My heart broke anew. I knew he was just being prepared; in his place, I would have done the same, but the idea that he was considering he might never come back tore me. I read the instructions behind a veil of walled tears.

_If I am to die, please gather everyone and play the CD on my behalf. _

I was to gather the family and play the recording if doctors told us he was going to die and he couldn't say goodbye personally. And I was to give the letters to each of them afterwards.

_If I become a vegetable, please switch me off. _

I nearly laughed at the callous way he wrote this wish down. Somehow it felt he purposely did it so I would laugh instead of being morbid about it. It was so Jasper to be thinking of other people's feelings first. He was always a gentleman like that.

_If I am a Hale, please put my name as Jasper B Cullen-Hale. For Rosalie._

My tears fell. I hadn't told anyone, but I had requested DNA tests for him and Rosie. She was his sister. He was Benjamin. I had been holding on to this knowledge for a while now, waiting for him to get better so I could break this news to him.

I sat there crying as I read and reread the note he had written to me.

This transplant was what we had been working towards at for the last 6 months. He was going to get better finally after this one.

_Why did it feel like I was still going to lose my son?_

When the tears had gone, and I was calm again, I opened my locked drawer and placed the precious envelope and its content in it for safekeeping.

I prayed it would be the last time I would see the envelope; sealed and untouched as it were now.

* * *

A/N: Sorry guys, this was a short one... more chapter will come up soon...

I need to know...how many more chapters can you guys take before it should end???? Please give me some feedback?


	41. A Comforting Hug

Disclaimer: Emmett and Jasper Cullen are SM's characters.

A/N: To everyone who has given me feedback, thanks so much. Its great to know I can write more still (yay!phew!) and not bore the daylights out of you guys...after all, tripod continues to exists because of you readers. This filler is inspired by a comment from **Zulfiqar **( author of an awesome story called **Breathe**) who wanted to give Jazz a hug for all the S*&t he's going through. I couldn't say no because I want to give him a HUG too!

Summary: Emmett and Jasper have a bit of a heart to heart. Because I *heart* Emmett too!!

* * *

**Filler 13: A Comforting Hug**

**(A Handshake from the Heart)**

**JPOV**

It was Saturday morning and I had risen a little earlier than usual. A lot earlier actually. The sun was barely peeking through the horizon, and the sky was still a muted color of dark gray and pinkish purple. An early morning nightmare had awakened me. Thankfully not loud enough to disrupt my sunshine who was sound asleep – tired out. I didn't have the heart to disturb her peaceful slumber.

I chuckled silently.

We'd been going at it like rabbits since her birthday. Ever since I had had that dream and found out to my surprise I was capable of getting it up…. and even more so… keeping it up…

Perhaps the cleansing ceremony had done more than just rid me of the negative influences??

_Silly Jasper._

It was most probably due to the fact that I had been weaned off of chemo for the longest time since I started the treatment. And that alone had allowed my body a chance to rest and heal; even with the swimming incident taken into consideration. Having Alice beside me was most probably an influencing factor as well. No scratch that.. she was most definitely an influencing factor. It was impossible to have her sleep beside me without her smell wafting into my nostrils and intoxicating me through the night, or catching slivers of her milky alabaster skin bathing in the moonlight streaming from the sliding glass doors, peeking at me invitingly from beneath the duvet covering her tiny frame.

I must have thanked every known Gods known to man when I felt my erection that night. It was definitely a welcome surprise. The dream had been amazing even if I was embarrassed for a second when she wiggled her eyes at me and asked curiously if I had been having a nice one. I buried my face in the crook of her neck to hide my blush, but it only made me more aware of her smell and it was the beginning of my undoing. I couldn't stop touching her. And my hormones went into a frenzy 6 ways.

Our first night may have not been movie verse magic but it was magical nonetheless. I actually thought it was quite special that we stumbled our way through, that it wasn't a smooth and slick James Bond performance. It was real, and that in turn made the experience far more memorable for both of us. Watching her come was the most beautiful sight in the world. Her eyes were black. Her lips were dark red. Her cheeks were hot with flame; her skin was bathed in a slick sheen of salty sweat; and her scent – there were no words to describe how intoxicating her scent was. I was inescapably lost in it.

Having had experienced that magic with her though, I suppose it was only natural that I was going to rue the day chemo was going to go through my system again. That shit was no good for my body, regardless of what it did to the fucking leukemia cells. In the 2 months that I was relatively free from it, I had never felt better.

_It's your last round Jas. And then hopefully never more._

_Never more._

"Hey dude, you up early today?"

It was Emmett, coming down the stairs.

I nodded my head and grinned as he took a seat beside me. I gave him a probing look.

"What?" he asked.

"Just wondering why you aren't in bed still…with.. *cough*.."

"Speak for yourself Jas.." he snorted and thumped my back. I felt my neck flushing with the unmistakable heat of blush. We hadn't been that discreet in bed. Another surprise.

He chuckled softly at me.

"I'm glad you guys are finally at it though…."

If there was one thing he wasn't shy to speak about, it was this. He snickered at me proudly.

I grinned. _You don't know how happy I am bro._

A quiet moment passed between us momentarily before I caught his eyes peering up at me tentatively again. I could sense a question or two hanging at the tip of his tongue suddenly.

He exhaled.

"Big one coming up hey?" he started. He was obviously talking about the transplant.

"Uhuh…" I let out a breath.

"You ready for it? I see you've been reading a lot…" he stated softly, looking at the pamphlets and printed articles piled on the side table beside the couch.

_Damn, I'd forgotten about that._ I moved to retrieve the pile quickly, placing the papers on my lap.

"Just wanted to prepare myself.. helps to know what to expect…" I explained. He nodded and his lips curled up to one side slightly.

"Not sure if it was a good thing though…" I grunted softly now, thinking of the bad dream I had again. The repercussion of having too much information.

"It is a lot to consider.." he murmured back at me, his brows furrowing a little as his gaze averted to the empty space between us.

_Guess he did help himself with the pile of information_.

I wondered silently who else could have gone through them. I shouldn't have forgotten about them really, no one else needed to ingest all the bad shit about the imminent procedure. I watched my brother quietly as he arranged his thought somewhat. I heard another soft sigh.

"About that…" he pointedly gazed at the pile of paper on my lap again before looking at me.

"Jas.. I know I'm not the best person to come to …knowing me…" he grimaced slightly.

"But even so.. if you ever need to get something out of your chest, you want speak about something or even better if you need a punching bag…to vent, or whatever…. you know you can always come to me hey?"

I didn't know why, but my mind flashed back to the evening after my first induction result had come out. I'd been utterly devastated that evening. Lost all hope. And I had shut everyone out. Against my wishes, he and Edward opted to stay in the room with me. I remembered lashing at him. I remembered how he had remained cool about it. Usually, Emmet's typical reaction was to lash back out. A few hours later, when I finally broke down, they were the ones who rescued me from the brink of despair.

"Thanks..Emm.. I appreciate it," I replied, cringing at the palpable wetness behind my voice.

"Anytime Jas…. Hey..you wanna hug?" he asked now, rubbing a nervous finger across his forehead. I grinned again.

"Yeah..why not?"

He pulled me into his embrace even as my arms went round to clap his back. 2 seconds later, because manly hugs only ever lasted that long really, I made to pull away and was a little taken aback when he didn't let go and instead pulled me closer.

_Ahh what the heck..it's not always that Emmett shows his softer side like this._

I gave in into the hug then and found to my surprise that I was very much comforted by it. I let out a relaxed sigh reflexively and leaned further in.

"That… was strangely…comforting," I chuckled when we finally pulled away. He smirked back.

"Thanks Emm.."

"Anytime bro.."

"Going back up?" he asked soon after.

The sweet light was approaching. I told him I was actually heading out to the patio to catch it. It had always been my favorite time of the day. Mine and mom's. Call it the romantic in me. Or the photographer in me.

"Can I join?"

"Come on," I cocked my head and we headed out to the patio in companionable silence.

************

**Emmett POV**

I found him mulling silently in the lounge this morning. I had gone down to grab something to snack on and with the intention of returning back to bed.

Until I saw him.

I wondered what he was doing up so early.

_And not having fun with his kitten upstairs._

Rosie and I had been betting on how long they were going to last on the Wednesday night when we heard the tell tale sign of 'action' coming from their room late that night. Jas's room was directly next to ours and boy did they make a lot of noise. We were bowled over by the fact that they – the 'prude two' were that 'audible' in bed. Of course we were only happy for them although we did get a little worried when it stretched and stretched and we wondered if Jas was actually going to be alright afterwards. Worries unfounded. Jas never looked healthier. And might I add, happier. The dude had on cotton candy smile all day. I lost the bet. Rosie smugly told me it was the Hale gene. _Hale gene my ass. That's what she thought._

I joined him in the lounge.

******

I watched quietly as Jas retrieved the pamphlets and papers from the table.

"It is a lot to consider.." I murmured. He'd forgotten about them the other night and I had taken them into the room to read. Man, there was a lot of information there to swallow. I'd be lying if I said it didn't freak me out a little – the procedure. All this while I thought the transplant was going to be a piece of cake. I had seen Jas suffer way too many times in the last 6 months; and I had been hoping it was going to end soon. I was more than a little disheartened to find out that it could take him at least a year to recover fully from the transplant itself. I couldn't help but wonder how much more of this he could take. I knew Jas. He could be as calm as the Dead Sea outside sometimes, when in fact there was a storm brewing underneath that still façade of his.

"About that…" I looked at the pile of papers he was holding now before looking back at him.

"Jas.. I know I'm not the best person to come to …knowing me…" I admitted. Handling emotions wasn't really my area of expertise.

"But even so.. if you ever need to get something out of your chest, you want speak about something or even better if you need a punching bag…to vent, or whatever…. you know you can always come to me hey?"

He was quiet suddenly and I thought I caught a flash of dark swimming under the surface of the blue for a brief moment. I sat watching him as he mulled silently.

"Thanks..Emm.. I appreciate it," he replied shortly after. I didn't miss the wetness behind his voice and knew he must have been thinking of some bad memory again. I frowned inwardly. _Damn, sometimes I wish I could just filter the bad memories out and leave the happy ones with him. _

"Anytime Jas.." I responded.

"Hey..you wanna hug?" I added on afterthought, rubbing a nervous finger across my forehead instinctively.

_Yeah…I was not used to this shit ok?_

"Yeah..why not?" He answered 2 seconds later, breaking into a weak smile. When he leaned in, I pulled him into an embrace instantly and held him a little longer than was normal. I felt the strange gurgling of feeling in my chest suddenly and it was all I could do to press my arm around his back a little bit more.

_I love you bro. I really hope you get better soon. I'm fucking tired of seeing you like this._

When we finally pulled apart, he was wearing a curious grin on his face.

"That… was strangely…comforting," he muttered appreciatively.

I smirked. _It was._

"Thanks Em.."

"Anytime bro.." I murmured quietly.

"Going back up?" I asked soon after.

"Nah..I think I'm going to go watch the sweet light a bit...." he responded. Twilight had always been Jas's favorite hour. His and mom's.

"Can I join?"

"Come on.." He tilted his head and led the way.

He stretched his legs on the bench, back leaning against the edge of the table while I made myself comfortable on the tabletop, leaning back on my arms with my palms lying flat against surface; and we watched in silent appreciation the remaining sweet light of the hour before the sun finally peeked out from the horizon; stamping the arrival of yet another new day.

3 more days.

* * *

A/N: Okay peeps.. Jazz welcomes hugs from all corners of the world today. He needs it to prepare for his biggest challenge yet. Shall we call it Jazz Hug Day? Review please!


	42. Dance of Life

Disclaimer: Character are SM's

A/N: My thanks to everyone who has given me input in the last chapter. Not sure if I have responded to everyone, and I do apologize if i haven't. Busy weekend! Here is the next chapter update. Jasper goes back into chemo.

Summary: Life and death is basically 2 sides of the same coin. This is the dance of life.

* * *

**Chapter 29: Dance of Life**

_And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance._

_Kahlil Gibran_

**_Day -8_**

**_Monday September 14_**

**Esme POV**

Jasper went back in today and they started on his chemo almost immediately. They couldn't even wait for him to get settled down. I was more than just a little irked at their insensitivity.

"They couldn't be just a little sensitive to the patient could they?" I huffed quietly at Carlisle as I watched the nurse that wasn't Jane hook the black bag over the IV stand, having already secured the line onto Jasper's central catheter. He smiled tightly at me. I knew that look. It was telling me that I was being the overbearing mother again. I couldn't resist defending myself.

"He just returned from a 2 month break from all this… depressing stuff.. you saw his face," I plied softly. I was a mother, and our mother bear protectiveness came naturally. My sick child only needed to grimace a little and it would be enough to set me off.

"I know honey.. but they run a tight schedule here..and he isn't the only one needing their attention," he appealed to my irrational, emotional reaction; one hand already reaching up to stroke the palpable tension developing between my blades. I felt ashamed instantly. There were other mothers in the center, going through the same thing as I was; other fathers wearing the same tight, weary, worried face Carlisle wore and tried very hard to hide. I felt a twinge of sorrow creep into my chest as I recalled how relaxed he'd been the last few weeks. How relaxed we had all been. And now, that carefully held mask on his face was back again. I ran my hand across his upper arm, shooting him an apologetic look.

"Sorry.. I'm being a bitch.." I muttered softly. He looked down at me surprised, the ends of his lips quirking upwards slightly. Carlisle and I hardly ever used crude words; it was just not our style. But having had the kids spend time with us for an entire month and a half, I supposed the girls had rubbed off on me, and that included some very colorful vocabulary that would make my grandmother turn in her grave if she heard it coming from my mouth.

He let out a quiet laugh.

"You know….I wouldn't mind if you used a bit of that "applied" vocabulary behind closed doors," he whispered, eyebrows wiggling at me suggestively. My eyes turned saucers.

"Carlisle!" I hissed lowly, feeling a blush creeping up my face.

It only made him chuckle louder. I smiled. We had been married 25 years and he was still very much the young man I met in Italy many many years ago. That same passion and dedication to love and life. In the years I had been married to him, I never recalled a day when I had loved him less. And I couldn't recall a day that he had loved me less either. I still woke up every morning thanking God that he had found me and loved me, despite my not so beautiful past. And here he was proving to me once again that age had nothing to do with the dwindling of passion in a marriage. He could be as cheeky as any young man out there, when opportunity presented itself. Like just now for instance.

Something behind me distracted him just then. When I looked behind me, I saw it was Dr Rodriguez; Jasper's oncologist, making his rounds.

"I had better go and say Hi," he uttered as his eyes made contact with him. I knew he was only too eager to discuss the imminent procedure with him.

"You do that sweetie. Will you say Hi for me as well?" I said easily and met him halfway for a kiss. We parted ways, and I made my way to Alice and Jasper next.

"You okay honey?" I asked Jasper as I made myself comfortable on the edge of his bed.

He looked at me and smiled embarrassedly.

If he didn't think I saw the flash of grimace on his face earlier, he was wrong. We were experts at these things.

"I'm just being a sourpuss…sorry," he answered, somewhat berating himself. I felt my face crease at hearing the slight melancholy in his voice. I was always at a loss for words when he beat himself up like this. Thankfully, Alice was on the ball with responses.

"Angel… it's one more week, and then you'll never have to do it again, okay?" Alice piped out instantly. Slowly but surely, I caught the smile peeking out from his pressed lips.

_She was that good. How did we ever manage before her?_ I flashed Alice a grateful smile of my own.

As I watched her entertain my still slightly sulking boy –shaking my head in mild disbelief that he, at 22 could be such a baby sometimes; I quietly threw caution to the wind and prayed what she said to him was true. That it would be the last time Jasper would have to go for chemo; and that after this transplant, he would be cured of the dreadful disease and be able to lead a normal life again.

Jane told me his chemo dosage this time was doubled. He was getting 12 doses instead of the usual 6. That meant that he was getting chemo twice daily every day for the next 6 days. No rest in between. On top of that he was also getting radiation treatment. 6 fractions, 3 days. I supposed I should be grateful they weren't introducing new chemo drugs into the mix and sticking to what his body was already accustomed to. The conditioning regimen was required to prepare his body to accept the new stem cells – Rosie's stem cells. They needed to kill off his immune system and any residual cancer cells still floating around in his marrow before they could introduce new stem cells that would hopefully rebuild a new immune system for his body.

The regimen was rigorous though and I couldn't help but cringe at it. I didn't have to be a doctor to know it was going to be a rough few weeks for Jasper. If the last four chemo rounds suggested anything, the side effects he suffered from the drugs were quite substantial. On the one hand, as Jane always told me every time I started panicking at one of Jasper's episodes, the fact that he was experiencing these significant side effects were very indicative that the chemo was working for him. On the other though – it hurt as much to see him in so much pain every time. Treating cancer with chemotherapy was pretty much about balancing the numbers and the poison in the patient's system. An ever evolving mathematical problem.

I gave Alice a sidelong glance and wondered if she was going to handle the overwhelming weeks ahead with the same joie de vivre cadence she had on now. She had not seen him suffer through his chemo side effects yet. Somehow I had a nagging feeling she was going to be in for a shock.

"He looks much better though," Jane mentioned to me quietly.

"The 2 months have been good for him," I admitted. I quickly filled her in on what had taken place in the last 1 ½ months we had been away.

"Don't worry Esme, between you, me and Alice there – Jas will have all the help he needs to go through this," she assured me kindly.

I smiled at her again and shrugged resignedly.

It was time to get back to work. The 1 ½ months break from this dreadful place seemed like a distant memory all too suddenly. I turned my attention back to Jane and listened to her as she filled me in on Jasper's schedule for the week. After that, we went through the list of new medications they were putting him on. He had morning medication, anti rejection medication that he could only take with certain food, more prophylactic medication, medication to help deal with the effects of chemo – all in all, 24 pills in total every single day. On top of that he had bag after bag of fluid feeding through his port – more antibiotic, heparin to prevent his blood from getting too thick, RBC, platelets on other days, the chemo itself. The amount of drugs and stuff going into his body on a daily basis was mindblowing and just sick. If I wasn't his primary caregiver, I didn't think I would have swallowed all this medical information on the drugs he was taking willingly. But as it were, it was necessary for me be as much on the ball with his needs and requirements as Jane was.

***************

**Carlilse POV**

I spoke to Stephen regarding Jasper's therapy and he was only too obliging to fill me with the details. They were using the same therapy as his consolidation round, seeing that he had been responding very well to that.

"When is day zero supposed to be?" I asked him again. Day zero was the preferred term used to indicate transplant day.

"Next week Monday. His marrow should be ready to receive the new stem cells by then." He expressed.

_He would also be without an immune system until the new stem cells engraft. _I thought somberly.

"We'll transfer him to the BMT floor on Sunday morning. He'll have his transplant done there."

I nodded and exhaled. One more week and we would hopefully be on the road to recovery. Between this week and his engraftment and recovery period, this was going to be the longest waiting period for Jasper, and for all of us.

"Here comes the ride again..." I muttered with a weak smile. He squeezed my shoulder lightly.

"Hang in there.. I'm sure Jasper will come out of this just fine," he offered.

_I hoped so too. I really hope so too._

**********

**AlicePOV**

I was every bit as apprehensive as Jasper was with this round of chemo. It would be the first time I actually got to witness him go through it. The very idea of watching him suffer worried me to no ends. I couldn't even stand watching him go through his nightmares, what more endure physical pain?

As if things weren't bad enough. I had to have the nightmares taunting with my mind as well. How could I be of help to Jasper if I couldn't keep myself together?

He grimaced slightly as the nurse attached the black bag of chemo to his catheter. I grimaced myself at seeing his face.

"Reality check.." he murmured, smiling sardonically for a second. I bit my lip. This was going to be a long week alright. He must have read my face because he looked apologetic instantly. Sarcastic, cynical Jasper was something I had yet to experience first hand and I wasn't looking forward to it.

Jane and Esme were very patient with me with regards to helping me get accustomed quickly to the routine and schedules that Jasper would be going through throughout his stay here. There were medication list, bloodwork and chart lists; I also had to learn how to clean and change his catheter. Esme was kind enough to go through the various medical jargons with me until I memorized and understood what each and every important one meant by heart. After the transplant, it was decided a while back that Esme would be his primary caregiver, seeing that she had had longer experience with Jasper's condition; but I would be there to help her in any case.

Going through his medication list was a nightmare in itself. 24 pills. Every freaking day. I would go crazy.

_ My poor baby._

*********

**JPOV**

Alice and I went for a walk around the floor this afternoon after my first bag was through. I had made some friends here since I was first admitted and wanted to see if any of them were around. There was 17 year old Maggie Stuart who had ALL, 'Fitzie' Fitzgerald James who was 30 and had lymphoma, Germaine Hancock 43, and had AML like me, Mrs Whelan or Prudence as she liked us to call her, she was 45 and she had breast cancer.

I found Maggie in her old room again. Mrs Stuart, her mother, was with her.

"Hi Jasper? You back in?" Mrs Stuart whispered to me silently when we entered her room. I gave her a hug.

"Are we disturbing?" I asked looking at Maggie's sleeping form. We could always come back later. As a fellow sufferer, I only knew too well about needing rest. If she needed some, she was probably feeling quite bad.

"Hey Jas..you back here?" Maggie's soft voice greeted me instead. I couldn't help but empathize with her. She looked crap.

"5th bag," she responded weakly. No wonder she looked sick.

When I had first met Maggie, she scared the shit out of me and Edward and Bella, only because her size made me think she was 12 when she was actually 17. Because Mrs. Stuart was a resident nurse on the floor, Maggie had special exception for being treated in the adult ward instead of the children's center. It was easier for Mrs. Stuart as she was her primary caregiver. Maggie was diagnosed with ALL when she was 12 and this was going to be her second transplant. She'd been surviving cancer longer than I had and I really admired her for her fighting spirit. I couldn't recall a day ever seeing her without a smile on. Her cheerful outlook to life regardless reminded me a lot of Alice sometimes.

"Hey Alice…glad you're here with Jas this time," she spoke to her softly. Alice squeezed her hand briefly, and I caught the flash of pain veiled behind the smile in her eyes. I ran up my hand between her shoulders, wanting to know her if she was alright. Bleak eyes looked at me briefly before they were expertly hidden behind the cheerful façade again.

_You okay sunshine?_ I asked silently. She nodded her head and turned to look at Maggie again. I decided to leave it for now.

"When's the big date Mags?" I inquired looking back at our tiny friend.

"This Friday….yours is Monday hey? I asked Jane.." she responded, smiling weakly at us.

We decided to leave her to rest.

"Hey ..you look a little tired..so we're just going to let you rest kay? We'll be celebrating for you come Friday though.." I said giving her hand a little squeeze for good luck.

"All the best Maggie," Alice wished to her before we took our leave.

When we were a safe distance from Maggie's room, I asked Alice about the look on her face moments ago.

"…It's nothing…I…I just wasn't expecting to see..her like that," she muttered softly, squeezing my waist as we walked back to my room. I didn't press her then, but the fear emanating off of her resulting from our visit was almost tangible I could probably touch it with my fingers if I tried. She was hiding something from me.

**_Day -7_**

I started feeling the familiar tiredness that preluded the other effects of chemo after my third bag this morning. I knew my time with Alice was running short. We had gone for another walk after my lunch of extra cooked potatoes, spinach and chicken. I wanted to spend every walking and waking moment I had with her before I was rendered an invalid by the chemo and radiation. After my transplant, Dr R told me that I would pretty much be in isolation until the new cells engrafted and my new immune system kicked in. That meant none of the hair smelling and kissing business, no more 'romantic' walks around the center or floor until I was deemed safe enough to venture into public space again. And that could take up anywhere between two weeks to a month, or if I was weak – longer. I was going to be missing our shared moments very soon and was therefore maximizing every opportunity I could get now.

"I worry about you," I told her this afternoon as we walked. She looked up at me, head tilted as she pondered silently over my statement.

"You're not doing a very good job hiding it my love," I told her apologetically. We stopped and sat on the row of plastic seats lined up against a wall in the long passageway. She seemed conflicted for a moment.

"I'm sorry Jazzy..I didn't mean to worry you," she admitted glumly. I pulled her and kissed the top of her head, lingering to catch the scent of her shampoo. It distracted me momentarily.

_Awapuhi & Mango__ – Crabtree & Evelyn. That was her shampoo; a redolent mix of the sweetest, yummiest, fruitiest gingery smell that it was almost edible. She was a tantalizing olfactory experience - perverted as that might sound. _ I wanted to remember that smell. _Commit it to memory._

"I wanna be strong for you..and yet..yet, I'm worried I might be more of a nuisance.." she muttered worriedly.

"You could never be.." I murmured back, peering into those gray eyes keenly. I reached up to hold her face between my hands instantly.

****************

**Alice POV**

"Baby…."

Big hands came up to hold me on either side of my cheeks as his sparkling blue eyes looked into mine tenderly.

"I don't expect you to always have a smile on for me, or be cheery for my sake…I don't expect that of you at all okay?" he said softly.

I bit my lip. _I'm the one who's supposed to be doing this now. Not you. Loser much Alice??_

"I'm gonna be honest with you now, I'm not going to be all nice and cheery when the effects start rearing its ugly head soon.…trust me, I'm not the sweetest boy when I'm sick… not that I like to admit it, but I can be a drama queen at the worst of times.. you'll probably get annoyed with me by the time this week is over…"

If he was trying to make me laugh, he was doing a good job at it. I grinned. _Jazz – a drama queen? I could hardly think it._ His beautiful face lit up instantly with a generous smile.

"You laugh now…" he teased.

"You've been such an amazing support since you came Alice, and I really, really appreciate your effort. I know it's not easy for you to always smile for me… and continuously pep me up.. and you've been totally incredible at it. But don't get me wrong - I don't want you to hide yourself for my sake okay baby? If something worries you, I want to know it…"

I felt a lump forming in my throat and my eyes getting misty.

_How is it that he could see through me so easily?_

I sighed, a little tiredly.

"I've been having bad dreams in the last few days…" I admitted then. His eyes narrowed on me concernedly.

_Tell me sunshine._ The beautiful, albeit worried orbs seemed to be asking me silently.

Against my better judgment, I told him. The dreams were similar to that one dream I had in the plane – replayed in different angles, but somehow they always ended the same way. Him leaving me. His face just about broke apart at my recounting.

"I..I know they're just dreams..but.... that black void I feel inside at the every end... it's.."

_Agonizing. It kills me. _

My face crumpled.

"I'm…scared…" I stammered tearfully, unable to hold my thoughts to myself any longer.

I was pulled flush to his body instantly.

"Jazz… you can't leave me okay?" I pleaded to his chest. As if on cue, the black and heavy hole of utter despair that came with the dreams made it presence known in my chest again, taunting me.

"Promise me…???" I was desperate suddenly for his affirmation.

"Just promise me you'll not just gi..give up…okay?" I pleaded sobbingly even as my fingers grabbed hold onto his back tighter.

"I promise sunshine..I promise.."

Even as he said the soothing words to my hair, and his comforting hands rub up and down my back repeatedly, the sobs rolled out of me like a crashing wave and it was all I could to cling to him tightly. The fear that had been building inside of me for days boiled over like a bubbling cauldron and slowly receded with the tears that came.

After what seemed like an hour, although it was probably more like 10 minutes, I finally calmed down enough to pull away from him.

_Now I just felt stupid._

*****************

**JPOV**

"I…I'm sorry baby..for worrying you…"

She apologized instantly the moment she calmed down again. Guilt written all over her grubby face.

"Hey…don't worry about it..this is me, your Jazz.. okay?" I plied to her softly.

She smiled a bit. _The happy sun peeking behind the cloudy gray eyes again._

"Truthfully – I'm glad you told me this..…I was in fact getting a little worried you might be a robot and not really real ….incapable of feeling anything else but 'happy'..… it was getting to me a little .." I joked.

A tiny laugh rang in my ears then. I grinned. It eased my heart that whatever it was that had been eating her up since we came in yesterday had disappeared. Well.. almost.

"Thank you angel," she uttered with grateful eyes, although they were still glistening slightly from the little episode minutes ago. I stood up, took her hand and we walked back to the room. I held her tiny frame closer.

When evening rolled by, an hour after I was hooked onto my fourth bag, the nausea finally made its entrance.

**_Day -6_**

**Alice POV**

Jazz started puking early in the morning. By the time the sun came up, he must have run to the bathroom 10 times. I was beside myself watching helplessly as he puked his guts out.

I was right. I wasn't prepared to see him like this. Even if he seemed to be taking them in a stride so far, even though he looked wiped out by 7 am. He was bedridden almost the ntire course of the day, only waking up to go relieve himself or puke his guts out again. That, and heading to radiology for the first two of his six radiation treatments.

I could barely watch him go through the motion without wanting to cry. Several times, I had to remove myself from the room to go and calm myself down.

"You okay Alice?"

Esme.

She finally came out to check on me. I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes but she had caught me before I managed to clear the evidence away.

"It's…hard to see him in so much pain…" I blurted hopelessly, and instantly the traitors came out again. Comforting arms embraced me instead.

"It is….but as Jane says to me all the time… the fact that he reacts to the chemo means it is working…I remind myself of the fact every time I start feeling bad.."

"Will it get better soon though?" I asked hopefully. She grinned apologetically at me. I almost wailed.

"You just have to grin and bear it like the rest of us my dear…he will get better…but this isn't the worst of it…" she said bluntly.

_Fuck!_

She laughed. My eyes widened in horror. That was supposed to have been a silent curse.

"Sorry!" I blurted embarrassedly, turning bright red.

"Look at it this way… Jasper will be annoying the daylights out of you by the end of this week…trust me when I tell you he can channel his stubborn 8 year old self back really convincingly when we have to start encouraging him to eat…. He had measles when he was 8…. He was the worst sick child ever.. it was impossible trying to make him take his medicine or feed him…he sulks worse than a little princess when he gets sick…"

I looked at Esme disbelievingly. Jasper sulking like a princess was something I wanted to see somehow.

"He puts on this ridiculously cute pout sometimes.. you have to ignore it otherwise you won't be able to get through.."

_A cute pout? Hmmmm……_

"He broke his wrist once from dancing on a stool..and tried to hide the fact from Carlisle and me. Suffered through an entire evening before Edward reported the accident to us…."

I spent the next half an hour just listening to and laughing with Esme as she gave an account of Jasper's childhood antics to me. I suppose he hadn't been at all joking when he told me earlier that he could be a drama queen.

I was grateful for her sharing the stories to me. It eased my mind a bit that I wasn't alone in my feelings. She had just learned how to deal with it and focus on the task at hand. Helping him.

**_Day -5_**

**JPOV**

_I hate this. _

Heave. Puke.

Moan.

_I fucking hate this! _

_It's your last time Jas. You can do this. Come on soldier…._

Heave. Puke.

_I feel wretched._

_Oh God..Jesus must really hate me._

"Thanks..sweeth..rt.." I managed to reply before barfing for the umpteenth time into the basin extended to me. I gave up trying to run to the bathroom, it had become too tiring for me to get up every few minutes. Alice rubbed my back soothingly and gave me the wet cloth to wipe the disgusting taste off of my mouth.

"So…rryy…" I said apologetically as her face blanched slightly at the basin. She smiled at me, shook her head and promptly disappeared. I wondered silently what mom must have told her that she seemed to be taking this at a stride now. Not that I was going to start complaining.

_Oh fuck._

"Basin…" I moaned hoarsely.

********

"Just a little bit more angel?" she coaxed sweetly extending the spoon of 'gunk' into my face. I felt my nose scrunch at the offending smell.

_Are they trying to kill me?_

I swore I saw mom and her exchanging furtive glances at each other as they forced me to eat a few more spoonfuls of the disgusting meal in front of me. I threw dad a 'please help me' look. He was doing his best to ignore me.

_Stop batting those eyelids! Both of you!_

"You need to keep your strength up son," Dad called out from the couch, hiding his smirk.

"Two more…and then we can call it quits…okay?" Alice cajoled again. The doe eyes did not cease looking at me pleadingly.

_I could almost ..almost hate mom for teaching Alice her trick with the eyes. She knew I couldn't say no to that. Witches!_

Against the better wishes of my rolling stomach, I opened my mouth and swallowed another spoonful. Ugh.

_Yes!_ I could have sworn I heard her cheer of triumph.

_Wicked kitten and wicked mother bear._

I was going to regret that morsel. I knew it.

******************

**_Day -4_**

**Alice POV**

Jasper ran a slight temperature on the night of the fourth day. It was an awful time for all of us. More so for me I guess. I couldn't sleep a wink.

Dr R said it was quite normal. Probably due to the fact that his GI tract was starting to slough off from the constant heaving and puking as well as the effect of the chemo. They were feeding him with antibiotics nonetheless. He slept through almost the entire day today again. After the almost constant puking, because the anti- emetics weren't helping him one bit; and the run with diarrhea as well – Jazz was too wiped out to function properly. He barely even managed to get to his radiation treatments.

I was glad for it today though – if only because we had received some bad news from the floor this morning. Maggie did not make it. I broke down when Jane told me the news quietly. She fell ill sometime during the evening 2 nights ago and had gone into respiratory distress in the early hours of the morning today, even as Jazz was lost in his fevered dreams.

How were we going to tell the news to Jasper? He knew that her transplant was scheduled for today and he was surely going to be asking for her when he started feeling better.

Esme thought of keeping the news from him, but I didn't think he would appreciate being lied to. I couldn't do it in any case. I told her that whatever she decided, I would agree to it, but I wouldn't outright lie to Jasper. I didn't think I could.

Turned out we didn't have to say a thing.

When he woke up - much later in the evening, and looking slightly flushed from the remains of the fever, he was acting off for some reason.

"Hey baby… how are you feeling?"

"Jazz…You okay?" I asked again when he remained quiet. My immediate thought was that he was in pain or something, because his eyes looked glassy, as if fevered still. My hand sought his forehead at once, ready to ring Jane if his temperature had risen again. It wasn't a fever. He felt normal.

"Jazz?" I inquired again, touching his arm now.

_What's wrong?_

"Maggie. I dreamed of her..." he murmured very, very quietly to me. It took every effort for me to not tense at his words and reveal the truth by accident to him. At that moment, I wanted to hide the awful news from him, regardless of what I had told Esme earlier this afternoon. I couldn't bear to break the news to him, because I knew he was going to be devastated by it.

"Yeah?" I inquired, trying to inject some positivity in my voice and praying that I wasn't failing at it.

I watched his face crease slightly, as if trying to recall his dream again.

"I think she came to say goodbye…" Blue eyes lifted up and looked at me sadly. Too sadly.

At the same instant that he looked up at me with those sad eyes, I realized that he had already known the truth. He knew. He just knew.

I grappled for words, a cohesive sentence to say to him, something, anything that might ease the growing sorrow that was sure to bloom inside him now. I found none. He spoke instead.

"She's gone isn't it?' Barely a whisper. Glistening eyes stared at me despairingly.

"I'm sorry.." I croaked and pressed my lips.

He went really silent then, but I heard his cry of pain nonetheless. My own tears ran when his noiseless ones escaped and streamed down his flushed cheeks. I climbed the bed immediately and laid there with him in my embrace, stroking his face as he cried silently for the loss of his dear friend. He didn't scream or cry. Even his sobs were forcefully held back. But the strained halting noise that came from his throat, and the deep heaving of his chest as I held him told me enough that he was grieving for her greatly.

He was inconsolable. Right through the next day. He wouldn't talk. Would not eat. Many times throughout the day, we caught him crying silently against his pillow. Seeing that – watching him shutting himself in this new pain; hurt more than seeing him puke his guts out.

For the second time since I had known him, I was unable to reach out to him.

**************

**Edward POV**

Bella and I flew up to Seattle today after having registered her for the fall semester. I was only taking a few electives as I opted to take a break from studies for a bit to make it easier for me to fly between LA and Seattle until this whole thing was over. I was only grateful that my counseling advisor and the dean was more than understanding about my situation. Having a dad who was a fellow colleague helped matters of course.

When Alice called to tell me that his friend Maggie, the same Maggie that freaked the hell out of the three of us 6 months ago during our first couple of days there; passed away from complications stemming from pneumonitis, hours before her 2nd transplant was due to be scheduled, my heart just about broke for Jas. He admired that girl. We all did.

"He's just been crying himself to sleep since last night...I don't know what to do.." Alice sobbed over the phone. She was frantic.

"He just needs to grieve Alice…just leave him be..when he's ready he'll talk," I told her as calmly as I could. I texted Emm instantly.

'_He needs us.'_

"I'll give him a call tonight Ed..what time are you going to be there?" Emm asked me. He rang the second my message went through.

"This afternoon."

*******

"Hey Jas.."

I could see that his eyelids were tinged pink and red at the edges, closed as they were now. He must have been crying all night.

_Shit. This was not news any of us were expecting. He didn't need this right now. Not right now._

I reached out to rub his arm gently. He seemed unaware of our presence. Glassy eyes opened and looked at Bella and me. Anguish.

"Remember Maggie when we first met her?" he asked either of us very softly. I nodded my head. Bella too. A tiny smile appeared on the broken face at the memory of our accidental introduction to Maggie months ago.

"She was such a fighter that girl.."

"She was Jas.." I answered, rubbing his arm even more. My own heart stopped at seeing his trembling lips.

"At least she's not suffering anymore hey?" he mumbled, trying to justify her passing and the emotional pain that was obviously hurting him.

"Oh Jazz…" Bell whimpered and rushed to engulf him instantly. His frame was wracked with sobs even as we tried to soothe him.

_What if he couldn't get over this? How could we expect him to undergo a transplant under stress like this?_

My mind worried for him now.

********

**JPOV**

'_Hey Jasper!'_

_I turned to look at the person who called me. It was Maggie._

_I was shocked to see the glorious mane of reddish hair over her head. Her eyes twinkled at me and she waltzed to where I stood rooted and frozen on my spot. She tippy toed to kiss me on my cheek. I touched her hair again and it felt real enough in my fingers. It reached her shoulder and it complimented her green eyes beautifully. She was beautiful. Taller than I remembered her last. Graceful, healthier, not a trace of the disease and the rounds of chemo marring her countenance._

'_Where are you going? Dressed up so beautifully?' I asked quirkily raising an eyebrow at her. Her eyes twinkled at me mischievously._

'_I'm going dancing..'_

'_Can I join?'_

_She tilted her head at me and mulled for a second before the light in her green eyes twinkled again._

'_You're not ready yet Jas. Anyway it's by invitation only.'_

_I pouted jokingly at her. She came up to me again and hugged me tight. I felt unexplained sorrow blooming inside my chest suddenly. _

'_Where are you going? Really?' I asked again._

'_A better place. Stop crying for me okay? I'm happy now. I really am..'_

_I frowned. Why would I be crying for her? I was about to ask again when she cut me in._

'_I'm going to miss you Jasper Cullen..give us a kiss?'_

_She puckered her lips in front of me then. I had always known that she harbored some sort of teenage crush on me. I didn't have the heart to say no. I pecked her lips lightly and her face lit up into the brightest of smiles. The happiness bubbling from her replaced the sorrow inside me moments ago._

'_Remember me okay?'_

_Realization dawned in my mind slowly._

_'Remember me Jas?' she yelled again even as she waltzed away from me._

'_Always Mags..'_

_Don't stand by my grave and weep,  
For I am not there, I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glint of snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn's rain.  
When you awaken in the morning, hush.  
For I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circle flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand by my grave and cry.  
I am not there, I did not die. _

I woke up to a pair of tired, red, green eyes looking at me concernedly. Green like Maggie's. He'd been worried for me all night.

"Hey Jas....how you feeling?" He asked, rubbing my arm briefly. I nodded quietly.

"What day is it?" I asked groggily.

"Sunday..6 a.m." he supplied. I asked where everyone else were. Esme had taken the girls to the apartment to rest last night and get it cleaned up a bit.

"Alice..ok?"

"Just worried about you..but she's otherwise alright,"

"How are you holding up?" he asked, warily. Narrowed eyes sussing me out.

I thought of the dream I had just had.

_She was in a better place now. And she was happy. She was happy._

"Better.." I answered honestly and managed a tiny smile. His face relaxed immediately.

"Emmett and Rosie are coming in today.."

"Ohh? What time?"

"This afternoon.. we were thinking of having a celebratory dinner with you here..that is..if you okay with that?" he asked a little unsurely.

I smiled again.

"That'll be great.."

*********

We had a celebratory dinner in my room this evening. Mom had made me something from home, approved and nuked in the microwave for longer to ensure that it was sterile enough for me to eat. I could barely eat due to the mucositis but we were celebrating my death and rebirth – in the figurative sense. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

"I'd like to thank all of you for your support so far.. mom, dad, Emmett, Edward, Bells, Rosie, and Alice, I couldn't have schlepped through this without your strengths, your stubbornness to fight with me all the way. Granted, you guys pissed me off a lot of times and vice versa… I'm forever indebted..when this is all over, please forget what I said about owing a lifetime of labor to all of you…"

I chuckled at the sound of grunts and snickers that rang softly amidst our small gathering.

"I'd like to make a toast.."

"As we all know..a dear friend passed away two days ago..I'd like to read a passage that I think she would have appreciated if she were to join us today. If there was one thing she loved best, Maggie loved to dance and in the time that I have known her, she was always dancing to life…she was in every sense of the word, passionately alive. I can hope that with this 2nd chance to life, I can live mine as much as she has sought to live hers.

"_You would know the secret of death. _

_But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life? _

_The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. _

_If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. _

_For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one. In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; _

_And like the seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. _

_Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honor. _

_Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? _

_Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling? _

_For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? _

_And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? _

_Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. _

_And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. _

_And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."_

"To Mags, now she can truly dance.." I raised my glass. Our glasses of OJs clinked noisily.

"To Maggie!"

………….

Dad cleared his throat next and stood up, glass in hand.

"And to Jasper.. to your rebirth…"

"Hear hear!"

"Whoo Jasper!"

"To rebirth!"

"And to Rosie!" I exclaimed, leaning over to hug her, my savior.

"To Rosie!"

To a new lease of life.

Sans leukemia.

_I could almost taste the victory. It was just there…I needed only to extend my hand, and I would be there._

* * *

_First Poem: A Hopi Grief Prayer_

_2nd: The Prophet - Death - by Kahlil Gibran_

A/N: Please leave me your thoughts?????


	43. Jasper Benjamin Cullen

Disclaimer: original character are SM's

A/N: I am soo sorry for having to repost chapter 29. There were minor changes there ( about 500 words more from the original posting). I was shitting myself for the bad spelling and and and... and had to redo it. Much happier with it now.

Summary: Day zero!!!!!!Transplant Day

* * *

**Chapter 30: Happy Birthday Jasper Benjamin Cullen**

**_Day Zero_**

**JPOV**

I was moved to the BMT floor today. This was where all the transplantee lived their lives for the first 2 weeks to howsoever many days were required for their new immune system to start kicking in. This was where I would be spending mine – in isolation until Rosie's stem cells engrafted inside my marrow and rebuilt me a new immune system that would hopefully rid me of my disease once and for all.

I was supposed to have moved yesterday but there was a lack of space in the floor. I was grateful for the delay. I would have hated to spend my last night as Jasper Cullen alone. Instead, my family organized a celebratory dinner in my old room, where we also got to toast and gave our last respect to Maggie Stuart, a friend and fellow fighter – who sadly passed away on Friday morning just hours before her 2nd transplant.

Today – after this transplant, I would technically be Jasper 'Rosalie Hale' Cullen. Technically so because her stem cells would be the building blocks for my new blood cells – red blood cells, platelets, white blood cells – the precious red fluid that would keep the various machinations within this encased skeleton of a man to keep on working.

_How amazing is that? Ok..weird too but still..amazing._ To compare myself to a car – I'd be a hybrid Prius after this transplant, when before I was a conking out, smog producing diesel engine Ford pickup.

Hah.

_What's with the sugary sweet mood? Shouldn't you be anxious?_

_Leave me be..I'm in celebratory phase still._

Transplant complications aside, I couldn't deny that a big part of me was celebrating as well. The mere fact that I had survived 6 arduous and testing months and was now hours from my new lease of life was a reason enough to celebrate. Maggie's passing, and her vivacious attitude to life in spite of her relapse only sought to remind me to be grateful for every little victory that came my way. When you had to measure your life in terms of weeks and months instead of years; like I had to – every little victory, every single day forward mattered.

So apprehensions aside, I would celebrate anyway.

_It's what they call courage in the face of adversity_.

I felt the edges of my lips quirk upwards in defiance.

_Mr Leu- fucking- kemia – see me Smile._

_*********  
_

**_(the night before)_**

"What time are you going in Rosie?"

I settled myself on the picnic blanket covered floor beside her. Blue eyes that almost matched my own orbs looked at me excitedly.

"Tomorrow – 7 a.m. I can't wait.." she responded and leaned in to hug me. She was actually beaming.

"Aren't you afraid? You'll be under general anesthetic you know?" I asked. _Not to mention those huge fuckers._

"Jas…Rosie? Scared of needles? She'd scare those motha' away.." Emmett cut in and chortled proudly. I couldn't help but laugh a little at his exclamation.

"I'm just happy… we're going to be related after all.." she uttered to me, a little bashfully, if it were possible for the Rosalie Hale to be bashful. I grinned. She was right!

"I love you Rose..you're a star,' I beamed and hugged her back tightly.

I knew I told her that I wasn't prepared to get myself stuck knee deep in what could potentially be another emotionally challenging issue until this shit was over, but if all went well with this, I was going to ask dad to help. It wouldn't hurt to confirm if her suspicion was true or not. We could move slowly from there. It was the least I could do for her gift of life.

"Whatever the case maybe..you're already are a sister to me. If you don't mind me asking you this.. I'd like to add in Benjamin into my name..once..once this is over,"

She pulled away and for a second I was expecting her to get angry for my making light of her memory of her brother through my request, but the expression on her proved me wrong.

"You mean that?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah..if you don't.."

_Oomfpf!_

I was nearly sprawled over the floor from the force of her furious hug. Seconds later, mom snapped a candid picture of me and my savior in a somewhat compromising position.

"Rosalie Hale, you rat! Do you need glasses cause that is not my brother Emmett you were snogging in this picture!' Edward yelled as he previewed the picture mom had just snapped; seconds before he ducked for cover from Rosalie's sandwich missile.

I had to hold my stomach to keep myself from laughing too hard.

"Hey babe," Alice came to sit by me next.

"You feeling better?" she asked peering into my face.

_Shit. I must have hurt her, shutting down like that without so much as a warning to her._

"I'm sorry about… I shut down.."

She crept closer to me and placed her pretty little finger on my lips to shush me, shaking her head, her lips curving up slightly.

"I'm glad you're smiling again…but..you're okay now?" she repeated her query.

"I think she's better where she is now.. so I'm happy for her," I said, flashing her a smile that mirrored my sentiment exactly. Her face relaxed at my words and she ran her finger over my cheek ever so gently. I didn't even have to think, my body leaned in into her touch on instinct.

"Sweethearts – one for the album?" mom interrupted our moment accidentally. In true Alice style, my sunshine squealed, jumped to her feet and crouched behind me instantly, placing a crossed legged me between her slightly bent knees, even as her chin rested on my shoulder and my arm reached up to hold her dangling one over my other shoulder.

"Snap!" she exclaimed happily to my ears just as her free hand pulled my face to face hers, our lips just about to meet when the flash went off.

"Now who's got the sexier picture??" she winked at me and smacked my lips with hers quickly.

_My sunshine. I couldn't wait to begin my 'new' life with her. _

_I couldn't wait!_

******

"You excited for tomorrow Jas?" Emmett nudged me a little later.

"uhuh.." I responded, a little tiredly.

"Thanks for the call the other night," I said gratefully, remembering his checkup call on Saturday night.

"Eh..nothing to it..I'm real sorry about Maggie though," he mumbled.

"Yeah.."

"But when you think about it – the pain and suffering she's been through, maybe it was what she wanted… she's not hurting anymore you know?"

I was struck by the odd side glance he was giving me suddenly. I wasn't quite sure if it was because his eyes were dark or because I was tired, but they somehow looked a little glossy all of sudden. Had my funny brother been moved to tears by my little speech?

"You know we love you right?" he asked quietly. I turned my head slightly to look into him, wondering if he was alright. _ Odd question._

"You know we don't enjoy watching you go through all this pain and hurt either.." he mumbled a little bit more. It hit me instantly what he was acting all odd about.

"Oh man..Emm, I don't mean it that way….of course I know… I'm not ready to leav.."

He didn't let me finish, I was wrapped by a pair of big bulky arms suddenly.

"Good to know… I'm not ready to let you go yet moody boy," he whispered quietly to my cheek. I moved my hand to grip his shoulder just as mom's flash went off again and blinded me like a bat.

"Emmett! I'm here!" Rosie mock whined suddenly, pulling all attention to her. She gave me and Emmett a look of sheer horror, as if she had just caught us in a compromising situation. The entire room roared into laughter instantly. That, until dad had the decency to shush us down again.

"Shit babe..that was..funny," Emmett quipped. Her response was a quick blowing of her fingernails a few times before she winked back at us.

********

"Hey best friend.." I called as Bella approached me. I was back in my bed, getting ready to go to bed.

"Hey yourself…" she chimed and climbed onto the bed next to me.

"You okay champ?" she asked, tickling my bare head.

"Yeah…thanks for last night.." I muttered gratefully, flashing a look at Edward who had joined our little conversation as well.

"That was a beautiful passage you took there… she would have been really happy to have heard that," Edward spoke, smiling at me. I yawned unexpectedly.

"Oh No… Princess Jasper needs her beauty sleep…we should go now Bells..." He jibed instantly, causing Bella to giggle beside me.

"One more picture honey.." Mom made her appearance in front of us again, camera in hand.

We groaned. Mom had been too trigger happy with that slim shiny thing tonight. I lost count at the number of times I had been blinded by the flash.

"Come on..the three of you…squeeze in Edward…climb the bed..ok…"

_Flash. Flash._

"Good luck Jas tomorrow..sleep tight," she gave me a quick kiss before getting off the bed.

"Good night Jas..see you tomorrow.."

"You better.." I responded and clapped his shoulder when he leaned in for a quick hug.

**************

**_Day Zero_**

To say that my transplant was the most anticlimactic event in the history of my life was an apt description.

After they had taken the much needed stem cells' from Rosie, the stem cells were transfused into my body much like a normal blood transfusion – via my ever dependable central line as I sat there quietly as it fed into me. It took all of 30 minutes for the transfusion to finish.

I felt a little tired, but it was perhaps more due to the anxiety while we waited for the procedure to take place, and also due to the anti rejection medication I was still required to take.

Dad took a video of the transplant.

After it was all finished, I gave mom and dad a hug, thanked Dr R and Jane and asked if I could go to bed.

Like I said – anticlimactic.

***************

When I woke up a few hours later, the first thing that I saw was a banner tied against the white wall opposite my bed with huge Red sloppy Emmett style letterings that spelled – "Happy Birthday Jasper Benjamin Cullen! P.S: U better be ( NOT!) in your birthday suit!"

I laughed. The kind of laugh that shook every bone in your body, made your stomach and face muscles hurt after a while and produced happy tears in your eyes. I laughed out loud.

And it felt really, really, really fucking good.

_Well…Jasper….I guess you're a Prius now…_

Now I was comparing myself to a car….

I roared out laughing again.

**********

**Carlisle POV**

I filmed Jasper's transfusion procedure. He seemed really anxious at first but about fifteen minutes into the procedure, he looked just about ready to fall asleep. I wanted to chuckle at his reaction. Poor kid was probably a little disappointed that the event was a …non event.

When it was all done, he hugged both Esme and I, thanked his doctor and Jane and bluntly asked if he could go to bed and sleep.

Emmett and Edward came up to set the banner on the wall opposite his bed while he was asleep. The sloppy handwriting had Emmett written all over it. Not to mention the PS note.

We were just arriving at his room that late afternoon when I heard that unmistakable laughter coming from inside his room. I shushed everyone with a finger and we just stood there, silently listening to his hearty, ringing laughter for a minute. That cheerful sound comforted me to no end. I saw happy tears collecting at the edges of Esme's eyes and pulled her into my side instantly, kissing the side of her temple fiercely. I didn't have to look at the kids to know that they probably felt just as happy as Esme and I were right now.

We entered the antechamber room soon enough, washed our hands and donned the appropriate gears before going in to greet the birthday boy officially.

***********

**Emmett POV**

"Now we wait right? How long?" I asked dad as we sat around Jasper's bed now. All the merriment aside, we all knew Jasper's battle was far from over. This was just one of many steps.

"It takes anywhere between 10 – 30 days for engraftment to take place. When your ANC maintains at 500 or more 3 days in a row, that's a positive sign of the cells engrafting to your marrow. And when your platelet counts reaches 20 – 50 that'll mean your platelets have engrafted. In the meantime, we must all be diligent and just be extra careful that you don't catch any infections."

I thought I heard _the_ question hanging on everyone's tongue just then. Even if no one actually said it. We looked at dad anxiously.

_What if he doesn't engraft?? What then?_

Dad let out a breath. His next words brought about much relief to all of us, some more than others.

"I have no reason to believe that he won't..Rosie is a perfect allele match to Jasper. They could be identical twins… that's how close the match is," He said confidently.

As much as I was relieved to hear dad's confident answer, I knew his words struck a chord with Rosie somewhat, if the barely visible tension on her elongated neck was of any indication. Dad had just compared them to being identical twins – I knew she was thinking of Benjamin again. My hand crept up between her blades and I felt her relax appreciatively to my gentle rubbing. Now was not the time to be discussing that.

"When do I go home?" that was Jasper's most important question.

I rolled my eyes.

"Have you not heard of the word patience boy?" I grumbled mockingly to him. He stuck out a tongue at me like an 8 year old boy.

"If all goes well with your engraftment, bloodwork comes out good and you have no infection, if you're eating properly, Dr R might consider discharging you before the month is over,"

The grin on Jasper's face was contagious.

"Now you just need to focus on taking all your meds and making sure you take good care of yourself. That includes eating and exercising." Dad said pointedly.

"Oh don't worry about him eating Carlisle, Esme and I have that all sorted out," Alice chirped in gleefully, all the while rubbing Jasper's bare arm briskly. I caught the knowing grin on mom's face.

"As if I have a chance against both your pitiful eyes..." he moaned, looking at a conspiratorial Alice and mom now. Edward, dad and I couldn't help ourselves. We laughed at him. Mom didn't raise 4 boys in her home without the aid of some sort of magic weapon. If it had been dad alone, maybe, but with us three in the mix - she would have never survived otherwise. I guess she taught Alice her secret weapon then. For as long as I could remember, mom always had power in her brown eyes. The older I grew, the harder it was to resist them. Between us three, jasper had always been the rebel sort – but like they say the harder they are the harder they fall. He was the weakest link when it came to mom's weapon. Which was why we usually sent Edward to barter with mom for us because he was the strongest.

"Sorry bro..can't help you there…" Edward and I muttered in unison, palms up in surrender.

**************

**Edward POV**

I had my reservations about this procedure. Right until yesterday evening, my concerns were still swaying me, despite the merry mood we were all in last night. Jasper's psychological state when we had arrived on Saturday afternoon only added to the list of concerns I already had.

Hearing his laughter when we arrived this afternoon was wholly unexpected. And God I'd be lying if I said I wasn't moved somehow by it. We all were one way or another. I even caught the mist clouding over Emmett's eyes. _Softie._ Granted it probably had a lot to do with Emmett's silly PS note but still, I hadn't heard him laugh so freely in months, perhaps years even. Not since – since that wench Maria entered his life.

Perhaps this was more than just a 'cure' for his disease. Perhaps it was a second chance for him to wipe his slates clean and start over again. And if he was happy, who was I to ruin it for him?

When dad mentioned infection, I almost cringed. The memory of him slipping away in my hold a few months back flashed in my head like a permanent tattoo hidden under layers of clothing.

"Just be careful Jasper.." I couldn't resist telling him.

"I will… will you stop worrying? I swear you're worst than mom.." He commented, throwing me a placating smile. I dropped it. I was sure though that he sensed my worry still because he sought me out later before we left and reassured me again.

"I promise, I'll be careful," he said quietly, squeezing my shoulder for effect.

Right now I wished I had dad's confidence. Or Emmett's happy go lucky attitude. Instead I brooded on the not so pleasant aspect of things endlessly.

"Sorry Jas.. I'm being obsessive.. I know…" I answered him embarrassedly, raking my hair instinctively. He let out a small chuckle and clapped me on the shoulder again.

"Well, we all know you can't help yourself.."

_You Ass._

"Glad to know the humor hasn't left you Jasper Benjamin Cullen.."

He grinned widely.

I grinned in return.

_My brother was back._

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A/N: I bet you're wearing a wide grin like Jasper and Edward are hey??? I know - I'm happy for Jas too. Well..if you are, tell him. Review!


	44. The Waiting Game

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting guys...Anyway, I have an important message to give to you all - having done quite a bit of reading on BMTs and Leukemia for this story and let me tell you, have shed so many tears reading on some of the personal experiences of sufferers and their families going through this dreadful disease. And then it dawned on me that there are so many out there ( real people) who do not have it as lucky as Jasper ( to have Rosie as a match). So I have come to this decision of registering myself to be one. You should too. . There are so many sufferers out there still waiting to get a match and you could be one.

Summary: Is the engraftment successful?

* * *

**Chapter 31: The Waiting Game**

**Carlisle POV**

The proceeding two weeks after his transplant was probably the longest two weeks I had experienced yet. The days that followed right after saw Jasper's counts and own blood producing marrow continue to be decimated by the toxic chemotherapy still running its course in his system. The after effects he went through this time was much worse than before, clearly due to the intensity of the regimen coupled with the radiation treatment he had to take.

_Day +1_

Yesterday was a day of celebration.

Today – well today, things were back to normal. The brief spell of good cheer ended this morning as the side effects from the chemo and radiation came back full force. And that made for a very miserable son of mine, who was causing grief with his loving and relentless caregivers at the moment over breakfast.

"Tell me Jane, do all patients his age act the way he does?" I inquired out of interest.

She laughed and shook her head briskly at the scene playing in front of our eyes.

"Carlisle – I have to tell you, he is about the cutest 8 year old in the ward. He's very lucky the nurses are absolutely enamored off their socks by his good looks and charm – when he's in a good mood that is,"

I chuckled lightly. That really said much. This was an adult only ward.

"I'm sorry about that Jane… he does have the uncanny ability to turn into Mr Hyde when he's feeling down… he's usually very restrained…" I plied.

"Aww..he's not bad really..he's still very pleasant to work with, trust me, I've had worst patients. I wouldn't blame him in any case, it's the pain and discomfort talking. The inflammation is much worse this time, in his shoes, I'd probably be a bitch myself.." she explained.

"If eating becomes too painful, we can always start him on TPN until the sores heal.." she advised. I smiled at her gratefully before she took her leave to go with the rest of her rounds that morning.

*****

"Okay…I'm full." He said, pushing the tray away. I looked at the still full tray in front of him. He was never much a big eater, unlike Emmett.

"Just a bit more.." my wife coaxed.

"mom....I've eaten enough." The boy in front of me grumbled stubbornly.

"Jasper..you barely had a quarter of a bowl!" Alice retorted in defense of Esme and frowned at him.

My protective side flared awake instantly. _ Not a good move right now Alice._

"Alice. Enough. " He said curtly, blue eyes narrowing at her sharply. I felt a pang of pity for her when she flinched a little from his tone.

_Perhaps a little fatherly intervention was in order._

"Now.. now Jasper… you remember was Dr R said, he wants to see some improvement on your weight before releasing you… Not finishing your meal isn't going to improve your chances of leaving sooner," I supplied casually. The squared shoulders slunk instantly. He looked forlornly at me for a second before taking the bowl into his hands again and started shoving spoonfuls of softened cereal into his mouth, grimacing with each swallow.

_Sometimes, friendly persuasion could use a little twist of the arm._

I winked at Alice discreetly as she threw a grateful look at me.

***********

His ANC counts dropped to 0 the next day. He was officially neutropenic, anemic and thrombocytopenic as well. The rigorous conditioning regimen had done its work at almost depleting his marrow of blood producing capabilities. I just hoped it did an excellent job at killing whatever residual cancer cells there were still lurking around in his system. The worst thing that could happen now was to find out 1, 2 months later that he was still producing blast cells.

This week was always treated with the greatest caution by the professionals, only because the danger of getting an infection and dying from one was very high. Hell, Jasper nearly died from one himself. Jane was quick to dispense instructions to all of us. He was barred from using the stationary bike in his room and basically anything that could cause him to get the slightest bumps.

"No falling or bumping anything…" she warned to a chagrined Jasper. With his level of platelets, which was shockingly low at just under 4, even the tiniest bump could pose a risk for internal bleeding. And none of us wanted that. He was bagging platelets every two three days as a result. We on the other hand were reminded to be extra diligent about washing our hands and wearing the appropriate gears for the rest of the week seeing that he was officially without an immune vest. With the sepsis episode burned at the back of our brains forever, we didn't need to be reminded twice.

"It's also probably a good idea if you don't go out for walks around the floor until your counts come up Jasper," Dr R stated to him when he came round on the day as well. This was met with much protest obviously and for a second I really thought he was going to throw his toys at his oncologist.

_Thankfully – that did not happen. _

"I'm sure it's only until you engraft Jasper.. it'll give you a chance to rest and let those new stem cells do what they need to do.." I reasoned. He sighed defeatedly. I knew he treasured his walks, if only they allowed him to breathe and not feel trapped in the four walls of his room. I rubbed his back quietly in support, knowing it was not him talking but the mood. I couldn't help but feel bad. He was definitely looking more rundown than ever.

The protest turned out to be a mootless exercise though as he spent the next few days after that in bed just trying to cope with the pain. The sores in his mouth flared up so badly that talking caused extreme pain. He spoke only when necessary and even then it was reduced to a few words and in whispers. Jane hooked him up to IV food that day.

On Friday night, the neutropenic fever that always accompanied his post chemo recovery period finally arrived. After four chemo rounds I thought I had gotten used to this. In fact the last few days I had even been mentally preparing myself for it. But it still came as a shock. He spiked a 102 degree fever and sent all of us into panic mode. Trust Jasper to not do anything by half measures.

Considering his history with infections, Dr R assured us that there was a bed ready in ICU in case the fever caused further complications. The rest of the evening and the next two days after that was a worried blur as we waited on the sidelines again for him to fight the offending fever off.

_**Monday, Day +7**_

**JPOV**

I remembered spiking a 102 degree fever on Friday evening. And then the rest was a blur.

_Again._

After four rounds of chemo, this didn't come as a surprise. It almost felt like this was my routine performance every time I went in. Probably not a good thing; getting a 102 degree fever while being neutropenic – but it helped me sleep through almost an entire two days of discomfort as a result – which I was very thankful for. Woke up feeling like that fairytale Winkel dude who slept a 100 years. Only I was too spaced out from the drugs still, and my limbs felt like lead or some heavy metal shit was running through them.

Dad greeted me with a cup of tepid water, which I took and drank gratefully. I had seen the look on his face one too many times to know he'd been worried as hell again. Even if he was trying his best to keep it in.

_Well Fuck. What else was new?_

_Alice. Alice was new to this you dickhead. You probably scared the shit out of her again._

My mind reeled with guilt instantly.

"Is Alice alright?" I asked quietly. He smiled and cocked his head towards the door.

"Yeah..your mom just took her out for a bit of fresh air.. they'll be back in a bit.." he said tightly.

When Alice came back looking all haggard and pale, I felt like backhanding myself for causing her all the misery she didn't quite deserve. All I could do was apologize and anybody who told anybody that apologizing helped – didn't know shit. It didn't ease the pain from her eyes and it didn't ease the guilt in my chest.

*********

_**Day+9**_

Good news. My CBC showed some improvements today.

ANC was 0.3, WBC was 0.76, platelet count up to 10 now. I was still low but they were positive signs nonetheless. Rosie's cells were on their way to engrafting, hopefully soon.

_**Day+11**_

Another good showing. I was grinning from ear to ear when Dr R came in and checked my chart. The look on his face was a bit like the look on my favorite lecturer in college when I aced a term project paper. The response he gave was even more promising.

"You're showing very good progress here Jasper. I am pretty sure you'll hit the mark in the next few days."

If I could have done an Alice style squeal, I would have. Instead I beamed. I knew I did because my parents and Alice told me so when Dr R left. I wasn't alone – I could see the same hope written on their faces.

_**Day +13**_

_ANC: 0.44_

_WBC: 1.82_

_Platelet: 14_

I had a zen moment looking at my CBC result today. Whoever said that happiness required massive effort, herculean feats? A search far and wide? Happiness could be found anywhere – even in the oddest of places. Like a sheet of paper for instance. Or in numbers.

It was funny how such tiny increases on a sheet of paper could mean so much. 7 months ago, I wouldn't have even given a rat's ass about what the numbers represented. Compared to a healthy person's counts, these numbers still looked far too dismal.

Until you took into account 14 days ago – my bone marrow was virtually dying, or perhaps already dead. 7 months ago, it started killing me. And today, today, it was producing new, healthy cells again. Those little increases – they were signs that I was on my way to engraftment. Rosie's stem cells was settling in its new home and giving me another shot at life.

*******

_**Day +18**_

As Dr R predicted, my ANC count was over the 500 mark from day 15 and stayed above that consecutively. I was soaring like a kite as he confirmed the good news to my parents, Alice and me.

"Well Jasper.. it looks like you've successfully engrafted.." he grinned. The grin on my face only grew wider.

"Platelets are still under the required range but they are showing positive signs as well."

"I see that your caregivers have been successful at making you eat... I've never seen a more remarkable weight improvement in one week.." he supplied looking at my two Florence Nightingales. Alice's laughter rang in the air.

"That'll teach him not to give Esme and I anymore grief about forcing him to eat.." she clucked looking at me with sparkles in her eyes.

"We'll give it a few more days but I reckon we can discharge you by next Monday."

"Yes!!!!!"

I looked at mom and dad and noted the relief and joy radiating from their faces. The brightest I had seen in 7 months. Alice was beaming like the sun and I couldn't help but squeeze her into my side every few minutes. I was bursting with elation inside.

In my mind's eye, I saw my future clear as day, smiling and beckoning for me to reach out embrace it.

_Welcome back!_

_I'm fucking glad to be back!_

_

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_

A/n : In case anyone is wondering; yes..the story is not yet coming to a close...Are you craving for more tragedy? or more laughter?

Please do give me your input.

visit : www(dot)marrow(dot)org on how to be a donor.


	45. Reunion

Disclaimer: Characters are SM's.

A/N: Thank you to all of you who reviewed. Yah..soo this is getting harder to write ( sheesh), I have to admit. Anyway, here is a filler that should be a chapter but..oh well just read it.

Summary: It's a reunion.

* * *

**Filler 14: Reunion**

**JPOV**

Edward, Emmett, Bells and Rosie were flying on Saturday to spend the last 3 days of my hospitalization with me. I had called them to let them know of the good news regarding my impending release and successful engraftment and Emmett as usual called for a celebration again. That guy was always looking for a reason to celebrate. Not that I minded.

All the positive development aside, we were all very aware that this was far from over. Until day 100, I still had to receive outpatient treatments in the center, probably on a daily basis, and up to a year after that go for routine checkups and receive additional treatments for any complications that may arise from the transplant; or touch wood – if I suffered a relapse and we would have to repeat this whole process again.

I shivered at the thought. Fuck that – a relapse was not an option. I couldn't go through with another merry go round of chemo treatments and side effects and what not, and I sure as hell did not want to put my family through this hell ride again.

_Positive thoughts Jasper – positive thoughts!_

I thought of what Emmett said again when I called him with the news.

"Somehow I ain't surprised. It is Rosie's stem cells you know….and you know just overzealous she is.."

Mom, dad and Alice cracked up laughing with me when we heard that. I supposed he did have a point. Of all the people who could have matched me, it had to be fiery dragon, suck-my-dick, Miss Independent Rosalie Lilian Hale. Now if her overzealous proliferating cells would be just as overzealous in ridding my marrow of this disease once and for all, I'd be willing to be whipped by her as well. One of the more worrying complications of an allo bone marrow transplant was the graft-versus-host disease or GVHD for short. In simple terms GVHD could be described as an immune response reaction by the new immune system built from Rosie's stem cells against the foreign body it had taken over – the rest of me. It could be an acute form or chronic, mild, moderate or even severe and fatal. In recent years, new therapies such as T cell depletion had been developed to remove GVHD in recipients. Complications aside though, the upside to having a GVHD reaction was the GVL – Graft versus- leukemia effect; where the very same T cells causing havoc with its new host, would also actively search and destroy any remnants of leukemic activity in the system still. Dr R. gave us the option about doing the TCD, but Dad and I agreed that we much rather face the consequences of GVHD than eliminate the search and destroy function of my new immune system.

_Mr F-ing Leukemia, let's see how you handle Rosie's overzealous T cells now! _

I grinned. With dragon Rosie on my side, or rather..in me.._ugh that sounded just wrong! _I should be positive.

Speaking of which...

With my engraftment now official, there was that matter that needed to be dealt with. The Benjamin cloud full of question marks thing.

I spoke to dad on Friday evening asking if he could help.

"You sure about this? I thought you didn't want to touch this until after all of this is done?" he inquired out of concern.

"Yeah… well, I think I owe it to Rosie. I don't think there is any harm to confirming it at least..at least that's all I am prepared to do now. But yeah.. I'm sure and I'm ready." I muttered. I did owe it to her to find out. Besides, she was a part of me now, it seemed only fair.

Dad looked at me silently for a full minute or two, perhaps he was gauging if I was really sane and aware of what I was requesting or if this was some insane effect from the cocktail of medication I was still taking. He seemed torn about helping me out.

"Again..you are sure about this?" he asked once more. I nodded. Then he scratched his head. _ That nervous Cullen trait. _

"Why are you nervous?"

"Cause I'm not sure how you're going to take this...." He answered bluntly. I told him not to worry, I was fine. I could handle it. _Little did I know._

"Are you really sure you want this?" He asked again. I nodded once more.

If he asked me if I was sure one more time, I was going to thump the side of his head, regardless that he was my dad.

"I'm ready to find out.." I reaffirmed my answer again.

Then he dropped the bomb. I should have guessed Dad would have done something covert like this. I should have even gotten angry at him for going behind my and Rosie's back.

Suffice to say, I was a bit overwhelmed. _Okay_, maybe more than just a bit overwhelmed. I may have overestimated my current strength. _Perhaps overzealous Rosie cells were transferring their behavioral patterns on the rest of me and over-clouding my own observation.... _who knew.

My reaction was totally pansy. The major would have killed himself.

_In short, fucking embarrassing._

***************

**Carlisle POV**

"Okay then,"

"There's something I've been keeping from you and Rosalie for a while now.."

I ignored the narrowing eyes for the moment.

" I've had the tests done already… and," his eyes widened and then narrowed again, eyebrows meeting and separating like loverbirds in action.

"…Rosie is.. your sister. She's right about you..uh… you're Benjamin. " I said keeping my tone neutral and easy. The calm exterior belied the concern inside; and I was mentally preparing myself for the Jasper fury that was about to unleash for me having gone behind his back.

I did not expect his immediate reaction. _He did say he was ready._

He blinked. And blinked; blinked again.

"Jasper?"

_Oh Shit. Oh Shit!_

I never jumped from a chair so quick in my life.

"Jasper… son, I need you to breathe," I went into doctor mode, watching fitfully as his eyes fluttered behind the closed lids. He took several deep breaths. Worry thudded in my chest that maybe I had been wrong to trust that he was emotionally or mentally ready for this. He tried to get back up but my hands were firmly pressed on his chest.

"Stay down.." Esme was so going to have my head for this.

"I'm oka..y," he rasped weakly moments later even as blue eyes flickered open to meet mine again. I couldn't help the frown that now appeared on my worried face.

"You mind running that by me again… about you being ready?" I said pointedly. Guilty, slightly embarrassed smile flashed across his still pale face.

"Sorry….I… overwhelmed..I think," he murmured sheepishly, the nervous trait showing its head again. I snorted in mock anger.

At the back of my mind though, his reaction stabbed at me uneasily. It was not what I had been expecting. I expected feeling - fear, worry, tension, anger, even denial. But fainting? No. This was just more evidence I didn't need to know just how weakened he was still from the 7 months of aggressive treatment. Just the thought pulled up the deep seated, tucked away rage back to the fore. Fuck if I didn't want to throttle the disease and kill it with my bare hands if it was a human being. Thank God all of that was behind us now and he could concentrate on getting better for good. _ I hoped. I prayed._

"You okay? Do you need water or anything?" I inquired. He shook his head. I watched him silently mull over the news I had just broken to him and wondered what was going through that head right now.

"Wow."

"So..she was right.." he murmured a little dazedly at me.

" Fraid so.."

" Fuck… I'm sorry dad…..but… Fuck..this is some news.."

"Is it bad that I feel this is so surreal and bizarre?" he muttered looking at me, half smiling, half confused. Hell if I knew what or how to feel about something like this.

"How do you feel?" I queried. He let out a heavy sigh.

" I'm not …sure..there's a lot? I don't know if I'm happy.. or scared.. it's….shell shocked will be the closest I guess…"

"Well..don't burden yourself with the what ifs okay? Just take it one piece of info at a time..like you said… you just want a confirmation and the rest you and Rosie can do that together when you're stronger, " I started, trying to steer Jasper from opening any more doors than he was ready to handle.

_You should have really thought about that before opening your mouth…._

I had to suppress a groan when I saw the sneer appearing on his face.

"Jasper..don't.."

_Too late. Curiosity killed the cat._

"God… some kind of life I have huh?" He stared at me disbelievingly.

"Someone up there must have really hated my being born. That or, he or she just thought it'll be fun messing Jasper's Life around a lot," he chuckled snidely at no one.

"No..don't think like that.." I replied, feeling pitiful for him.

He looked at me almost contemptuously.

"But dad…think about it for a second…"

"….I was stolen from my family when I was practically still in diapers; then my "family" dies in a car crash leaving me the only survivor; then I fell in love with devil's own spawn of a daughter who practically abused me for pleasure, and then this… I'm beginning to think that maybe.. .maybe.." He frowned and stopped short of saying whatever it was he was about to say.

I was beginning to regret ever opening my mouth. The last thing we all needed was for him to spiral down into another web of despair like this.

_Don't go there son. _

I was about to open my mouth and say something to reassure his qualms, restore his spirits, when he totally blindsided me and grinned like an insolent little Calvin.

************

**JPOV**

_Maybe I'm meant to die. Maybe I was a mistake? _

_And perhaps someone up there had been trying desperately, all these years - since I was a fucking baby - to correct that mistake? _

_Well......._

_Good luck with that MORON - whoever you are. _

I grinned defiantly at the thought of seriously pissing off whoever it was – upstairs, downstairs – messing up with my life.

The look on dad's face was priceless. He must have thought I was weaving myself a new cocoon of sorrow. My face stretched wider when the tensed shoulders relaxed back down.

"I was gonna say maybe someone up there doesn't really like me..…judging from the mishaps I've had..."

"But he obviously forgot that I'm a Cullen Boy. We're stubborn. No way in hell I'm going down without a fight.." I supplied with a derisive snort. Dad laughed.

"That's the boy I know. Come here," I was pulled into a firm hug and he clapped my back proudly. When he pulled away again, I could have sworn I saw mist cloud over his gray blue eyes.

It couldn't have been easy for him to keep the news to himself all this while. To raise someone as your own flesh and blood only to find out years later that he still had parents out there, with rightful claim. Was he sad about that?

"Penny for your thought?" I said nonchalantly.

"Just thinking where you'll be spending Christmas this year.." his voice was bittersweet, pleasant but tinged with unnamed pain. I chewed my lip. A habit transferred from Alice.

"Dad, come on… of course I'll be spending it at Forks. Look.. I don't want you to think that now that I know that I have my 'biological' parents still, I'm just going to forget my roots. I might have been born a Hale, but I'm a Cullen. And I'll always be a Cullen. You and mom are always going to be my parents. Okay?"

_Okay. I was right about the mist clouding his eyes_. For the second time in minutes, I was wrapped by dad's arms again.

"Just don't tell that to Rosie okay… she might kill me," I muttered, attempting to lighten the emotional bubble around us.

"As long as you don't tell your brothers you made your ol' dad cry," he responded lightly as we parted again. I raised a devilish eyebrow.

"I don't know dad… I think I'll keep that as my Jail Free pass, who knows.. maybe you'll actually be on my side when evil Alice and evil mom try to force feed me again…"

"Oh come on…that was totally justified.."

"you gotta pick your sides dad – are you with us boys…or are you with them 'chicks'?"

For the rest of the evening until mom and Alice returned from the apartment, dad and I had a some manly bonding time. I hadn't done that with him for ages and it felt good to just chill with him and talk about something other than my illness for a change.

************

**Rosie POV**

When Emmett told me quietly that Jasper and Carlisle wanted to speak to me alone for a moment, my thought had been that they wanted to thank me personally for my stem cells. Never in a million years did I expect to hear about Benjamin. When Jasper told me that he was only prepared to take a step forward after he was better, my guesstimate was perhaps a year or so, or however long it would take him to be able to live life normally again, without restrictions.

" Rosie…dad has something to tell you...." was all he said as he looked at me carefully.

"Maybe you should sit down…Rosalie, this might be a little overwhelming," he stated while flashing a glance at Jasper.

"Is something wrong?? Jas?? Is it the transplant?" I queried worriedly, taking a seat on the plastic chair beside his bed at once. The transplant went well, so my cells must have been good. Unless Emmett was lying to me. Did they require more maybe?

"Do you need more? Cause I don't mind giving more if that's the case.." I warbled hurriedly.

" Shh.. Rosie..relax…It's not that…I promise you, your stem cells are doing a fantastic job inside me.." he chirped and flashed me a crooked smile before prompting Carlisle.

"Dad?"

"Rosalie..It's about …Benjamin."

_Oh Jesus..Mary..Joseph._

I gripped the sheet underneath my splayed hands and cast a glance at Jasper. His face was cautious but gave nothing more. When I turned my head to look at Carlisle, I felt his hand cover my nervous ones and he gripped it kindly. Tenderly.

"First I have to apologize.. that I didn't ask for your permission first..or Jasper's for that matter. But I asked the lab to run a DNA test on both your samples,"

I felt myself go rigid. My other hand gripped Jasper's unintentionally. Was I ready to hear this??? Suddenly I was afraid. I was very afraid.

" I've got the result..for.."

"Hang on! Stop!"

I jumped off my seat and pulled away from Jasper's grasp, giving him an apologetic look instantly.

What if.. What if I was wrong??What if I was in fact a Matched Unrelated Donor like Emmett so claimed so many times, and all this similarity and electric shit was just fucking coincidence?? Suddenly all that gut instinct shit I had been leaning on for months came up to nothing. Zilch. Oh God.. what if he wasn't what I had been hoping for all these months? All these months of secretly hoping and thinking that he was my baby brother. And one word could take all that built up hope away.

I couldn't deal with the idea of losing Benjamin again, even if, even if he was just real in my head.

_I absolutely couldn't!_

The next thing I knew I was pacing the floor and crying like a hormonal 14 year old. And when Jasper's arms came round and wrapped me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder, shushing me gently with that alto timber of a voice, my knees almost buckled under me.

"Jas..I.. I don't think I can handle it…I don't think I can.." I blurted and crashed my face on his chest when he turned me around.

"You sure about that?" he asked almost teasingly, pulling away to peer into my face. The electricity between us buzzed again.

"Jasper Cullen…now is not the time to be fucking teasing me.." I riled a little. The little - okay tall, devil had the nerve to chuckle at me.

"But really Rosalie Lilian Hale.. Afraid?" he teased even further. I could have sworn if he wasn't so sick and I didn't care about him and that damn electric cocoon wasn't buzzing between us, I would have taken a swipe at that mug of a grin right this very minute. I must have snarled or puffed smoke through my nostrils though, because he was rubbing both my arms in a placating manner the very next second.

"Look.. I don't care what the results say okay..I..can't lose you again…" I garbled hurriedly, not even caring if they realized how pathetically desperate and lame I really was, trying to hold on to some memory of a brother I wasn't even aware of anymore until a few months back, and worse impressing that idea onto someone – that someone being Jasper.

"I know it's pathetic, but I don't…care..ever since..brooch…" I went on and on.

"Rosie.. ..Benjamin.."

"Wh…wh…at?"

Eyes blue and calm as the Caribbean waters peered into mine keenly. The crease between his eyebrows flattened and a little dimple made an appearance on his smooth cheek.

"I. am..Benji..," he enunciated the words softly but clearly to me.

I was gasping for a breath suddenly. My visions blurred and I couldn't see the blue eyes anymore.

'_Here Benji…would you like a cake? See I made you a cake – one for you, and one for me!.Would you like another cake? You want? I'll make you a pretty one kay? '_

'_Did you see who took Benji Rosie??? Rosie??'_

'_It was a nice lady mommy..she gave me sweets..She said she was taking Benji to you so she and I can play,'_

'_Honey do you see her here? Is she here Rosie!?'_

'_No mommy… she's not here…mommy where's Benji?'_

"Oh Benji…I'm sorry..I'm so sorry…"

I'd lost him all those years ago. I'd lost my baby brother. And now I got him back. I got Benji back.

* * *

A/N: Okay peeps - not quite the tragedy or laughter you were expecting no doubt..but anyway, review please! And as for insolent little Calvin - it's my favorite comic strip character - Calvin and Hobbes ( I like).Can so imagine all the tripods having a bit of calvin in them.


	46. Wheel of Fortune

Disclaimer: Original characters are SM's.

A/N: Apologies for the delay in posting. There's just so much Jasper loving in FF universe right now, it's hard not to get distracted ( eeps!)To those who have given me reviews in last week, thank you. As always - much appreciated.

Summary: Life is like a wheel - constantly turning.

* * *

**Wheel of Fortune**

_**Oct 12**_

**JPOV**

So – I got released 21 days after my transplant. I had been so excited that Edward and Emmett kept on comparing me to that squirrel Sammy that got drunk on Red bull. You know – the character from Over the Hedge?

One little unknown thing about my brothers and I – we could watch cartoons and animation all day. What can I say but that the kid in us never actually grew up, we just knew how to hide it well . And if you asked me – yes, we'd make perfect babysitters! But that was beside the point.

I was fucking free!

After spending some time saying goodbyes and thank yous to all the staff on the BMT floor, and especially to Jane, we finally left the medical center close to 12 noon in two cars and drove down towards Westlake Avenue to our new base in Seattle. Home for the next 80 days now was a 3 bedroom apartment about 10 minutes walk away from SCCA clinic; overlooking Lake Union and bordering a wooded park. It was not Forks and much as I would have loved to be sleeping in my own bedroom, eating out of our own kitchen and table during the recovery period, regulations were regulations. I had to stay close to my transplant center for the first 100 days following the procedure. It was mostly for ease of access to the appropriate help _if_ something bad were to happen. Hence our temporary base. I supposed I had to count my blessings – at least there was home cooked meals to look forward to from now on and the best of them all, I got to wake up to my sunshine every morning.

My family was in chipper mood following my discharge. You would think I just got released from prison, the way they were acting. I found myself shaking my head a few times watching their antics around the apartment today. Mom rounded the girls and decided we were going to have another celebratory dinner of sorts. We've had three in less than a month.

_And they've suffered through this with you for 7 long months.._

The flitting thoughts threatened to spoil my cheery mood and it was all I could do to push it away. This evening was an evening of celebration. I would not ruin it for anyone by feeling guilty.

_Let's just hope this road home is going to be smooth J._

I threw caution to the wind.

I had been through five rounds of chemo, survived a septic shock, jumped into freezing cold water and survived pneumonia, went through several bouts of high fever, and I had survived my first 20 days in flying colors.

This was the next phase of my survival through cancer. The next 80 days. Straightening my invisible safety straps again, I braced myself for the oncoming challenge.

_Bring it on._

*****

The initial euphoria arising from my discharge finally died down. I was on a high for about a week before normalcy, or what was normalcy to me these days, hit me again.

Life outside the center wasn't really that different from what it was when I was still recuperating inside. The truth was I still spent half the day, 7 days a week in the clinic – waiting, getting my medications, IVs, fluids and what have you; meeting my doctor or other specialists, going to my physio, getting my CBC and vital stats taken. After 7 days of going through the same routine as I did previously, it almost felt as if I had never left at all.

_Oh Joy. _

Precisely.

The monotony of my daily routine was salvaged perhaps by the fact that at least now I had a warm place to return to instead of a sterile room, and that I got to share body heat with my favorite human in the whole world every night, and eat with her and my mom on a proper table every evening, and GOD willing have a little naughty fun with her soon.

At the thought of having fun with Alice, I pushed myself harder on the elliptical trainer.

_God Jasper. Talk about motivation!_

I grinned to myself. Sex was always a good motivation. Sex with Alice – now that was one hell of a motivation. Physio was probably the only reason I was still looking forward to my daily routine visits. I had always been a fairly fit person before this – I ran, I swam. The 10 months of treatments had managed to strip off years of workout, just like that and I wanted it back.

"Whoah.. you look like you were ready to run a marathon there..easy there cowboy. You don't want to push too much just yet. " The hazel eyed short haired woman in green scrubs eyed me with a curious smirk. Ellie Bradford was my physiotherapist. Smart, sassy, easy to work with. She knew where I wanted to be and we had both devised a program for me so I could try and get back to my level of fitness 11 months ago without the risk of hampering my recovery. I knew it was probably impossible – I'd probably need a year of constant working out to get there again, but if I could get back to half the level I was back then, I'd be happy still.

I blushed a little at her comment._ Perhaps that motivation was a wee bit much._

Mom dropped Alice at the clinic just before I finished my appointment for the day and we walked home after my session had ended. The three of us had quickly fallen into a routine - mom would drive me in the mornings and then drop Alice in the afternoon so she and I could walk the way home. Strangely it was mom's suggestion. I couldn't help but feel that it had been one of those motherly instincts again – perhaps she knew it would be good for me and Alice to find some alone time, away from everyone else. I was grateful for it. Since she came into my life – our lives really, a few months back, we had hardly had any alone time – in the real sense of the word, at all. Because of my situation, there was always either mom or dad or one of the siblings around. Cullens were a protective lot, I'd say that much. Not that either of us ever complained about it – but sometimes, I couldn't help but wonder if she did feel a little overwhelmed or suffocated by the fact that we were staying under my parents house, under their scrutiny all the time; while Bells and Edward, Rosie and Emmett had their own piece of heaven away from home. We were both 20 something. Adult life –living away from home, from our parents –we were supposed to be starting or enjoying that already. I was before this. And she had had the privilege of that through her years in Italy. Often I wondered if she did not regret just a little bit about jumping into this whirlwind that was my life. No matter how beautifully she tried to put it into words to ease my mind, I didn't need to be a genius to know that being with me wasn't exactly a piece of cake. Sometimes I'm left in awe at her sheer grittiness, in sludging through this shit with me day in day out – with a smile on her face no less.

"Penny for your thoughts?' her tinkly voice pulled me out from my reverie, her warm breath seemingly freezing in the air in front of her.

"Hmm?" I answered from behind my mask. I pulled my beanie down to cover my ears against the cold November breeze, before linking my hand with hers again.

"You seem lost in thought baby…wanna share?" She cocked her head a little sideways, her index finger scratching against my palm to get my attention again. An innocent gesture that somehow caused a totally different reaction in me. I pulled my hand away from her grasp, grinning exasperatedly at the tickle she had caused. Perfect eyebrows arched at me questioningly for a second before a devilish smirk appeared on her innocent face, and before I could say no, her dainty gloved hands were up in the air, fingers wriggling in eagerness to tickle me to death.

_Uh Oh!_ My eyes widened just as I managed to avoid the first of her tickles aimed at my side.

"Don't Alice…you know I love you….? I parleyed, half grinning, half horrified at the impending onslaught. She jumped towards me. I made a run for it.

A hundred or so yards down the pavement later, I was bent over, hands on my knees trying to catch my breath, my heart racing and thudding in my ears. I felt Alice's tiny hands reach behind my back and rub calming strokes as her face peeked under my face worriedly.

"Jazz? You okay? You wanna sit for a bit?" Her voice was tinged with concern. I shook my head and concentrated on getting the oxygen back into my body just as Ellie's earlier words rang in my head again. _You don't want to push too much just yet._

Just as quickly, the "precautionary" words were replaced by Emmett's life motto –_Carpe Diem_. Seize the day. _Sometimes pushing the limit was good_. Like now. I was flustered, gasping for breath – but I felt alive.

"Sorry angel…I didn't mean to make you run for your life like that.." she spouted, chuckling a little. I managed to wheeze a chuckle out.

"Thanks sunshine… That. Was. Fun." I replied, grabbing her outstretched hand so I could straighten up again. I hadn't run in months. For a few minutes there I actually like I was the old Jasper again and every gasp was worth it. Gray eyes scrutinized me for a second before her tiny arm wrapped around my slim hip and she cocked her head up.

"You're happy." Her words were brimming with contentment.

The grin on my face was instantaneous.

"You make me happy my love.." I responded easily, looking down at my tiny goddess.

"You make me happy too Jazzy."

I saw nothing but truth in her beaming face. _ I really did make her happy._ My previous doubts erased, I squeezed her ever so slightly into my side again as we bounced forward on the soles of our feet.

"Let's go hot stuff … and please don't tell mom what I just did…she'd have a heart attack." I warned teasingly as we continued our walk home.

***********

_Day +30_

BMB test done today.

I was uneasy as hell. As usual. One would think after having gone through this procedure so many times, I'd get used to it. Perhaps others did. Not me though. I still felt the nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I had to do it. I admit, every time I felt that fucking jackhammer press onto my back, I was reduced to a nervous shit. Dad was usually beside me whenever I had to go through one of this. But he was stuck at work today. I had to go solo this time.

_Man up Jas. You can do this alone._

My palms were already clamming up.

I was more than mildly surprised when a familiar bronze haired head suddenly popped by the door, yelling at Dr. R to halt the procedure.

"Edward?" Mom's shocked voice rang even as he hurried to her side to give her a peck, followed quickly with one to Alice. He greeted them hastily and made his way to dad's preferred spot. I stared at him. Curious to know why he suddenly made an unannounced visit. Edward was the organizer man.

"Sorry I'm late.. I'm not late am I?" he asked innocently –looking between me and my oncologist, seemingly unaware of the pregnant question hanging in the air still.

"Wow..did you actually fly up just to see me get massacred?" I jested. He smirked and rubbed my shoulder. Then it dawned on me he must have flown in to be in dad's stead.

"Spoke to dad last night.." he winked and flipped his hand open to me. Just when I thought I had my little brother all figured out, he pops a surprise like this. I was silently touched.

"Apologies ahead.." I muttered, looking at his hand. I was suddenly worried I might break the elegant fingers.

"Nah..don't worry about it. I'm a strong m**a**n.. you ready?" He smirked again. Flashing him a grateful look, I gripped his hand and willed my body to relax against the mattress.

Many muffled profanities later, Dr R finally deemed that enough samples had been collected and I was finally patched and ordered to go home.

"What? No physio today?" I joked while carefully pulling my pants back up.

"You get the day off for being a good patient..you didn't swear one bit today," he joked back.

_That's what you think._ I thought silently. I was glad. I wasn't feeling a 100% now.

"When do we get the result?" I asked tentatively, holding my breath on instinct.

"Prelim will be ready tomorrow, but we won't get the full DNA and chimerism report until next week."

_Right. One week of anxious waiting. And I was going to be an emotional wreck in the meantime._

I caught Edward's watchful gaze.

"Try not to think about it Jas. Just take it one day at a time k?"

"I'll try and remember that.." I mustered a response quietly.

Whether it was the anxiety hitting me, or if it was the pain flaring from the wound itself or a combination of both, I got sick that evening. I had been feeling a little off towards the end of the procedure but downplayed it to the pain I was feeling then. But an hour after supper, the nausea reared its ugly head and everything just came back out. That of course created havoc in the base as mom freaked out and insisted that we drive to the ER.

"Call the number on the sheet.." I requested as I staved off another urge to puke. Alice's cool hand was drawing soothing circles on my chest. She ran her hand up my head.

"Baby..you're running a fever." She stated worriedly suddenly.

_I sure as hell wasn't a few minutes ago! _ I pushed the urge to roll my eyes, sensing it would only send me to the bathroom to hurl again. A thermometer later – she reported a 100.4 to everyone. Mom nearly shrieked.

"It's borderline..we don't need to go to the ER for this.." I told mom pleadingly. The last thing I wanted was to waste ER resources over a 100 degree fever and a possible anxiety driven nausea. Edward looked hesitant for a bit while mom looked fit to kill.

"Call the BMT team, they'll advise.." I motioned to him. He did and called Dr Lee – the resident doctor on call that night.

"Give him a couple of Ativan and make sure he drinks lots fluid. If his fever goes up above 100.4, take him to the ER. Keep me updated."

As I predicted, a trip to the ER wasn't necessary. The fever went down a few hours later and so did the puking.

"It was most probably a reaction to the BMB procedure..." Dr. R allayed mom's fear the next day.

"See mom..it was nothing.." I told her assuredly. She didn't have to know that I had been a bit worried myself last night while we waited for the fever to come down.

_My first scare post release. Thank God it had been a false alarm._

The results for the BMB test came a week later. I was a nervous wreck and I could tell that dad was just as nervous as I was, what with the way he kept on raking his head.

"Nervous?"

"You don't know how much doc.." I muttered shakily, running my hand over my forehead. I gave dad a cursory look. If the result was unsatisfactory, if there was any evidence of new blast cells in my marrow, I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to handle the blow. I felt dad's hand grip mine and I gripped it back tightly. I could hear my heart beat thudding loudly like thundering waterfalls falling on rocky boulders in my ears.

"Well Jasper, I have good news for you. Everything seems to be looking pretty well here. Pathology test shows no morphological evidence of any residual leukemic activity in your marrow.."

The tension wedged tightly between my shoulders 5 minutes ago disappeared almost instantly and I felt myself relax, letting the breath I'd been holding unconsciously go.

"Everything seems to be looking rosy in the molecular stage as well," he chirped lightly. Dad and I had to chuckle at his intentional pun.

"There's no evidence of your old self in your marrow anymore, Rosie's stems cells have fully engrafted and made home inside your bone marrow. I'm very pleased."

"That's fantastic." Dad chipped in looking at me. Like Rocky Balboa psyching himself up for a win, my own curled fists pumped the air in front of my face before I rested my forehead on them. I felt triumphant. More than that, I felt relieved.

"Your numbers look good. ANC is at 3.1 and WBC at 3.8, platelets 33, Hgb 4.9. Still a little low on the platelet and RBC side, but I wouldn't worry too much about them. They usually start cranking up a little later. I'd like to start reducing your Tacrolimus by half and also want you to ease off from the Neupogen shots for now."

"It's not going to bring on onset of GVHD if we reduce it will it?" Dad asked concernedly. I had yet to show any signs of GVHD, 38 days after my transplant had taken place. Whether it was the pre- transplant medication or because of Tacro or the fact that Rosie's stem cells were just too perfect of a match for me – I wasn't sure why and I wasn't about to complain either. Dr. R allayed dad's worry, he didn't think it would cause a GVHD flare up if the medication was reduced. He was more worried that my kidneys were going to get damaged by the medication if we didn't.

We left Dr R's office in better spirits than when we got in. I couldn't wait to tell Rose, Alice and everyone else. Not only were my results good, my medications were being tapered off. Everything was pointing in the right direction. I sent a grateful thanks to the universe. Perhaps my fate was changing for the better now.

_Fan- fucking- tastic!_

**************

I called my sister this evening.

Since the revelation from dad regarding our blood ties, our relationship had taken off remarkably well. I hadn't been expecting it. I had been expecting awkwardness, unease, the normal stuff when something unexpected was thrown in your face. Like that day when she unfolded the story to all of us. I had recoiled from her as if she were a disease. I guess I was never good at receiving unexpected news. I went slightly mad in the head in New York didn't I?

When it came to telling Rose, I made dad sit with us. What could I say but that I was too chicken shit to tell her myself. Afraid of seeing her reaction maybe or seeing my reaction to her reaction? I didn't know what to expect and dad had always been good at mediating things. I thought I needed a buffer of some sort.

She fucking freaked out worst than I did.

_Perhaps it ran in the family – the freak out Hales. _

I snickered silently at the thought. It turned out dad didn't need to be there after all. Watching her pace and cry her eyes out over God knows what, my body reacted on instinct that day. Next thing I knew, I was stopping her manic pacing with my arms and like it was the most natural thing in the world, I rested my chin on her shoulder. In our 10 months of knowing each other, we had never shared that level of intimacy before… unless I was just too ignorant of my own actions. When the truth finally dawned on her that I was what she said I was, all my worry and concern regarding the vibe between us becoming weird and awkward vanished. She embraced me as if I had never been gone from her life, her memory. I was struck by the immensity and sincerity of her love. This, was not the Rosalie we saw pulling Emmett by his leash or sharpening her talons all the time. I saw the other side of Rosalie that day – the caring, tender and motherly nature people rarely saw unless they were lucky enough to catch it or observant enough to see past the steely posture and flippant remarks.

"Hi Jazz ..I was just about to call you..how did it go?"

"Hey sis…that's why I'm calling.." I replied, not caring to hide the happiness in my voice. I could practically feel her beaming when she heard the good news.

"There's no blast, no sign of leukemia or leukemic activity in my marrow at all. It's all good Rosie.."

"Oh Jazz..I'm so happy for you.."

"You know I owe you my life….." I told her bluntly. I did. She was the reason I had another stab at living life as a normal person.

The tell tale sign of sniffing on the other end of the line told me she had started crying again.

"Hey..hey..no crying Rosie..this is a cause for celebration.."

"I know.. I'm sorry.. I'm just a little overwhelmed.. God Jazz..If I didn't meet Emmett when I did..I might've have never found you, and you could still be looking for a donor..or worse.. Do you know how scary that.. that thought is?"

God, I knew what she meant. The universe must have been really aligning for me when Emmett met Rose. Kismet intervening. It was just too bizarre to have just been a coincidence. Me falling sick just two months after they had begun seeing each other. If they hadn't met, I was probably still on the waiting list for a matching donor to fit my not so common HLA type.

"I guess we both owe Emmett then hey?" I chortled. My heart eased to hear the sniffing stop and replaced by a warm laugh instead.

We chatted until mom finally gave the cue for me to hang up.

"Hey sis..I gotta go before mom reads me the riot act.. kiss Emmy for me?" I jested. She laughed.

"Okay sweetie..we'll see you soon.. Love you."

"Love you too Rosie....bye"

************

_+Day 49_

It's now been four weeks since my release from the center. _So far so good still. _ I was keeping my fingers crossed that this unbelievable stroke of good fortune was going to stay with me for a while. I was finally manifesting a very minor case of skin GVHD, some rash on my back and arms. It wasn't giving much discomfort and in any case the topical cream was already keeping it in check. My numbers continued to improve, even if not by leaps and bounds, it was steady. Already I had weaned off of Neupogen for a couple of weeks now and my ANC and WBC have stayed stable. My immune system was working hard to stabilize.

I was back in Dr R's office for our weekly appointment.

A flicker of hope skated across the smooth planes of my chest when I caught the definite positive smirk forming on Dr. R's lips. I had observed this old man long enough to know his facial gestures.

_Okay..that sounded really creepy Jasper.._

Or really gay.

The naughty kid in me smirked at my inner monologue.

"How's your rash doing?" I returned my attention to Dr. R again.

"It's looking better. The cream is working wonders. Alice thinks it's reduced by much..it's no longer so ..uhh.. 'coars' as she puts it.." I chuckled. I remembered how she had whined wretchedly at the offending coarseness in the beginning.

"_Only cause you have such beautiful smooth skin angel.." had been her excuse._

"_Oh so now I'm no longer perfect then?"_

"_Jasper Benjamin Cullen –you know very well that's not what I mean!"_

"Women.." Dr. R had said it so softly I nearly missed it. I chuckled.

"So where was I.. oh yes.. I've been studying your progress and speaking to Dr. Lee and Dr Jai and they seem to confer with my conclusion that you're strong enough for us to loosen the regulations a bit.."

I was all ears and eyes. Loosening the regulations? More good news? Fuck I was on a roll!

_Yes? Go on…_

"You don't have to come to the clinic everyday now.. I'm sure you have better things to do during the weekend?" he prompted with a grin. I could have kissed him.

"For real? I mean..dad didn't wring your arm for this did he?" I inquired disbelievingly. I was unsure as we had been discussing about how to celebrate mom's birthday that was coming up this very weekend and I had been pleading dad to speak to Dr R about giving me leave so we could celebrate it at home. I knew mom missed home and would appreciate celebrating her special day where she was most comfortable.

He laughed and shook his head.

"Your dad did mention that..but I'm not pulling your leg, seriously..your progress is really great. You do know you're one of our star patient here? It's been some time since we've seen a near perfect engraftment. Your marrows have taken Rosie's stem cells exceptionally well. In fact I'm almost tempted then risk disappointing you when you have to return for more .."

I was giddy with elation.

"You know Doc..I'm not going to complain. 2 days is good. Besides, I am really enjoying my physio program with Ellie and it'll be nice to continue that with her still. But.. this is awesome! Thank you!" I shook his hand excitedly with both of mine.

Once my meeting with Dr. R was done, I exited the office and sped dialed my brothers for a conference call immediately.

"Guys.. Project Esme is on. Can you guys fly and get to Forks by Friday?" I asked as I made my way to my next schedule.

"What about your appointments dude? Did dad manage to pull strings again?" Emmett chuckled.

"Nope…as of this weekend, star patient Jasper Cullen has his weekends off." I said giddily. The shit eating grin on my face only stretched wider when I heard Emmett's typical _whoot_ cheer and Edward's congratulatory remark.

"That freaking awesome Jas."

"You know who you owe it to.." Emmett reminded me again. He could hear Edward's disinterested moan over the other line. I chuckled softly. Emmett was very proud of Rosie. Very.

"Yeah.. Emm, you better treat that sister of mine real well..I know I owe her big time for her overzealous cells.." I quipped, drawling the _overzealous_ word exceptionally louder than the rest.

"I told you Jazzy boy.. Rosie's got overachieving cells.." He droned again. We were getting a little tired of him saying that all the time. Even if we knew he only meant it well. He was a proud whipped boy.

"Actually.. with all that overachieving cells in her Emm, I wonder how you fare in the bedroom.. must be hard.. to _keep..up_?" Edward teased suddenly. Two words sprung to mind. Candice Wiley. Sophomore year. She was this hot junior that Emmett successfully stalked and snagged. Only he kind of failed to rise to the occasion when it came to doing the deed. She was horrified. He moped around like a total failure for a month.

"Fuckit Eddie! That was a once off okay!" Emmett roared. Edward and I snickered loudly.

"Ha..you find that funny eh Jas?" there was a devilish tone to his question.

".......you do know this is _your _sister I'm screwing right? He chortled. I groaned. Having brothers were a pain sometimes. Decency was non-existent, and the jokes were blunt, lewd, wild. No wonder women thought we were all Neanderthals.

"God Jazz, that's like a convoluted version of Flowers in the Attic…I don't know how you can even look at these two in the eyes …" Edward chuckled.

_So the joke's on my expense then? We'll see about that._

"You think that's bad Eddie....I share Rosie's gene…just think about it – identical twins share the same genes right? You know… I read that they can sense each other's pain and feelings…" I started, scratching at my chin lightly. It probably was groundless but all I needed was a seed.

Perfectly aware of my brothers' imagination, I knew I didn't need to elaborate any further.

"Arrgh!! I'm gonna vomit!"

"Nasty Jas!!Nasty!!"

I snickered loudly as I heard the overdramatic gagging sounds coming from both lines.

"That'll teach you two not to bring up shit like this to my ears.." I muttered – smugly.

"Now can we get back to project mom?" I started again not a moment too soon.

*************

_Day+54 – the surprise party_

As planned, we drove home to Forks on Saturday afternoon, after having supposedly gone to the clinic only to be told that my schedule had been changed. Dad even did a brilliant performance and easily convinced an annoyed mom that we knew nothing about this until the very last minute. Obviously she was not very happy as she had made plans for supper already. Alice and I could barely hold our guilty grins throughout the journey.

"_Did you call the boys and tell them to drive to Forks instead?"_

"_Will they make it in time for supper?"_

"_Carlisle..we might have to delay supper.." _She was practically grumbling all the way.

The shock on her face was priceless when she came home to find the other culprits hiding in their room, presents and party horns in hands and mouths.

Dinner was a splendid albeit mish mashed Italian affair. Dad had invited a few of her town friends for the occasion – Sue, Leah and Billy from the reserve, Helena and Henry Giamatti – mom's Italian connections in Forks, they owned the family trattoria in town, mom's gardening friend – Mrs Cope and her husband. With Sue's and Helena's help, we managed to scrape together a feast worthy of mom's fine standard, not that mom was ever a snotty gourmet person. She was the easiest woman to please.

When everyone started mellowing down and the party moved from the table to the lounge, Emmett and I disappeared upstairs to grab our surprise– something even the girls were not privy to until this evening. We left Edward to address the audience.

"Uh..could I have everyone's attention please.."

"My brothers and I have a little surprise for the pretty lady whose birthday we are celebrating this evening…"

He glanced at us and moved towards the baby grand. We followed his lead, guitars and stool in hand. I couldn't help grin when I heard Alice's excited clap. She hadn't seen me on my guitar yet. When we had taken our seats, Emmett made the introduction.

"When we were small, it was really mom who introduced us to the joys of music – yes, the moment we reached that age where our limbs started having some form of coordination – mom practically handed us her lovely '_le creusets_' to clang on…." He paused as a round of chuckles ruptured among the small audience. Edward and I chuckled quietly in the background as he continued.

"I think she was hoping that we'd be the Hanson brothers or something, but as luck would have it – only Edward seemed to have caught on the musical bug that she had forced upon us early on – as you can see Edward is the one sitting by that black piece of thing he dearly calls Suzanne, while Jas and I only have these crappy old guitars. Don't ask me where he got that name from.." he chuckled again.

"Emmett.." Edward hissed, telling him to get along.

"Okay, okay… so, tonight, seeing that it's her birthday, we thought we're return the gesture. I know we haven't played for a while now mom and you always loved seeing us perform when we were kids. So..we're going to play some of mom's favorite tunes and also a few of ours. Enjoy. Oh yeah.. mom, happy birthday and we love you."

I adjusted my seat and took vocal lead for the first rendition.

"We found this song in one of dad's old records that we ransacked when we were 10, 11, 12; we have a sneaking suspicion that this was one of the tunes dad used to swoon mom back then, I stand corrected – dad?" I turned to him and raised an inquisitive eyebrow. He colored obviously, much to the delight of our guests that night.

"We think it's a good choice dad, don't worry.." Edward supplied causing more chuckles to erupt.

"This is by the Beatles–In My life. Because mom, you have to agree, you'll always be our first girl…" I grinned.

**_But of all these friends and lovers  
There is no one compares with you  
And these memories lose their meaning  
When I think of love as something new  
Though I know I'll never lose affection  
For people and things that went before  
I know I'll often stop and think about them_**

_In my life I love you more.........._

"This next one is called She is.. "

**_She opens up my bedroom door  
She's waking me up soon  
'I'm turning on the lights" she warns  
It's the little things that you do  
She's the one that starts my day...  
Me dear mom, my comforter  
my friend forever  
When life's right or wrong  
She is also my laughter  
Yest my shoulder to cry on.....  
My mom is my superhero  
My mom is my world_**

_........................  
_

5 songs later and our own rendition of Pink Floyd's Mother it was finally cue for the end of the performance. We could only chuckle in amusement at the teary sight that greeted us – mom and her beautiful trio of daughter in laws – to be.

I winked at Alice. She was still swooning like a fangirl at us.

The evening – actually, everything so far had been perfect.

I should have known by now that there was no such thing as perfect in the real world. Well, there was, but it didn't come without a tag, a compromise, a sacrifice somewhere. Life was a fucking scale after all – when it tipped for something, something else was tipped against it. Yin and yang. Tit for tat.

The next day, Alice received bad news from home. Her father had had a heart attack. She was a mess when the phone call came. It wasn't fair. She of all people didn't deserve more heartache than what she was already getting from being with me.

The wheel of fortune was spinning again and I could not help but wonder if my spate of good luck in the last month or so was reaching its end.

***************

_Day+59_

Another fucking dream.

By the rate I was going, the bedsheets was going to rend very quickly. I was soaked through again. I pulled the plastered wet shirt off of my body and shivered against the cold air that hit my still damp and now exposed skin. What had the dream been about this time?

_Dark body of water. Drowning. I had been drowning._

For the last three days, my sleep had been disturbed again. The last bad dream I had had been a while back. It seemed like Alice was my shield against these dark menace that enjoyed invading my subconscious when my eyes weren't keeping watch. Now that she wasn't here, they were back with a vengeance.

She'd been away in Biloxi to visit her sick dad almost a week now. With Edward as my representative no less. I missed her. Missed the heat of her body sleeping next to me every night. Missed her smell. Missed her smile, her natural cheerfulness. I missed her badly. All those sappy love songs about life being dull and gray without that one important person being close or present in their life – I totally saw the truth in that now. Never would I diss those songs again. My life was utterly monotonous and colorless without her beside me.

_God you are so whipped Jas!_

_I don't really give a damn what you think._

I would have no problem admitting the fact that I was thoroughly whipped by the little pixie goddess who went by the name of Alice Brandon. I'd proudly say it.

I fought the imminent groan coming out of my throat as a stab of pain lanced the back of my head and neck.

_Great. Now I have a sprained neck as well_. All the tossing in and turning had finally caused a kink.

Steeling myself against more stabbing pain as I would have to now get up and hose myself down off this stink and stickiness covering my body, I pushed myself up off the bed cautiously. Once I was sure I wasn't going to fall flat on my face, I headed to the bathroom.

5 minutes and a near vertigo related mishap later, I was back by my bed. Ignoring for a minute the jousting contest that was happening in my head and neck, I pulled the damp sheet off the mattress and discarded it on the floor under my feet. After throwing the plaid blanket over the naked mattress – reckoning they would do as a makeshift sheet for now, I laid back down gingerly and pulled the duvet around me tightly, welcoming the slumber that would render me pain free of the growing headache caused by the kink.

Tomorrow I would call Alice. Maybe she could fly home a day earlier. I could not take another night of morbid dreaming.

* * *

A/N: Sounds like a cliffie? Wanna speculate? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Please review!

Note: 'She is' - Between the Trees.


	47. Trip Repost

Disclaimer: Characters originally belong to SM.

A/N: Thank you for all who reviewed. I know its been a long ride...just bear with me for a few more chapters. We are getting there. Anyway, in canon - Edward and Alice have a tight sibling bond, and I've mentioned in the past chapter somewhere about Eddie seeing Alice as his younger sister. This is my exploration of that. Hope you guys enjoy.

Summary: Alice and Edward go on a trip.

* * *

**Chapter 33: Trip (Repost)  
**

**AlicePOV**

I left for Biloxi today with Edward. I felt pretty guilty that Jasper had Edward tag along with me. I told him he didn't have too – didn't he have classes to attend anyhow?

"Alice..stop badgering your poor brain.." Edward chuckled as he settled in his seat.

"I promise I'm not ditching classes and Bella also insisted that I come with." He sought to placate my worried mind again. I was still unconvinced.

"I know I'm no substitute for Jas…" I gave him a look of disbelief. _I didn't mean that!_ Then I realized he was only trying a different angle to comforting me still. I sighed and sank into my seat.

"Listen pixie ..you're family, regardless of your 'relationship' with my poor brother.." he muttered, eyes twinkling at me. I huffed and swatted his hand.

"I know Jasper would have wanted to come with you – but he can't. It's just too risky for him to be in crowded places right now… but this isn't easy for you either and we never abandon our family," he said again gently to my face.

At his words, I felt my eyes watering again.

Early this morning I got a call from mom telling me that dad had suffered a heart attack. They had been back from their trip from Africa in August sometime. Apparently Dad had been busy mowing the lawn the attack occurred. Mom had not been at home at the time but thankfully one of the neighbors saw him and rushed him to the hospital immediately. I could only guess that mom was going mad. The last I heard he was still unconscious but stable. I pretty much broke apart in front of the Cullens, causing unnecessary distress to my angel as well.

"Alice, don't worry – dad is booking you a flight home as we speak. You stay there with your mom and dad for as long as they need you okay? And I'm sure your dad is fine.." Jasper pulled me up to his lap and hugged me instantly. I bit my lip as my emotion threatened to spill over again.

I looked at him hesitantly. I knew I had to go back to Biloxi but…

_What about you?_

I hadn't left Jasper's side since I came back from Italy more than 3 months ago. Could I leave and not possibly have a heart attack of my own?

As though he heard my silent question, I felt him press his forehead against mine, and I was lost once more in those amazing blue eyes peering into mine tenderly.

"Don't worry about me… I'll be here, hale and missing you to no end until you get back," he murmured softly to my face.

"I'll probably only be there max a week.." I muttered back a little hopefully. Worried as I may be for my dad, I didn't want to be away from Jazz too long.

_Fucking good daughter I am._

"What are you worried about?" I asked, looking at the tiny crease of worry that had formed between his eyebrows.

"I should really go with you – you shouldn't have to fly by yourself," he answered softly, and the crease deepened somewhat.

_But you can't – crowded places, confined spaces such as a plane? Are you mad? It's too…_

"..risky…I know baby.. but I feel so bad.." he said guiltily.

"It's the thought that counts angel.. thank you," I murmured and comforted myself in his embrace again.

When I called mom just over an hour later for more updates, she told me dad was on the mend. He was conscious and the heart attack had been mild. Thank God.

"Mom says he's conscious and he's talking." I told them afterwards. Everyone was relieved to hear it.

"That's good news sweetheart, we're glad to hear he is okay," Esme said and hugged me.

"Baby.. we've decided, since I can't go with you – Edward here has offered to take my place," Jasper explained. Edward smirked at me.

I tried to haggle with them regarding the decision, but there was no fighting with the stubbornness of the Cullen boys. Jasper would not hear another word and Edward annoyed me even more with the growing smirk on his face.

And so here I was, 4 hours later in a plane flying home with Edward on tow.

"There there.."Edward stroked my head and arm as I sniffed the tears away.

"Sorry….I just haven't been apart from Jazz since I came back…"

Jade green eyes widened in surprise at me before the familiar crooked smile appeared. I stared at him naively. _What?_

"You are a funny child…here I thought you were crying because of your dad.." he shook his head. My ears and face felt red hot instantly.

"You must think I'm such a lousy, unappreciative daughter to my parents.." I blurted, suddenly embarrassed at his statement.

"Or a very dedicated partner to my brother," he plied, flashing that crooked smile again. _I must really ask about that sexy trait some time..  
_

"Don't feel bad about yourself. From what you told us yesterday, I'm inclined to believe that your dad is indeed okay and he will recover from this just fine… provided he takes measures to correct whatever the root of the problem is – diet, less exercise, reducing stress."

"But listen here, no more of this guilty feeling about me having to tag along. Going with you was a mutual decision, in fact I offered to Jas to come. It's the least I can do, my family can do for what you've done since coming into Jasper's life, our lives for that matter."

It was such a sweet thing to say and I pulled back fractionally to look at him gratefully. He wasn't finished though. I felt his hand reach up to hold my forearm, rubbing me gently with his thumb.

"I don't know if you're aware at all, but you've made Jasper really happy since you came into his life.."

"I haven't seen him this happy…since…" he stopped and looked at me cautiously.

I took a guess. "Maria?"

"I take it he told you?" At my nod, I saw the cautiousness leave his body immediately.

"Jas was a lot more carefree... before she came.."

I turned my body in my seat and leaned against the headrest.

"Will you tell me more?" I inquired casually. Edward sank deeper into his seat.

I'd learned a lot from Jasper – what he told me through our conversations. I'd also learned a lot by observation, but hearing it from a third person's point of view often added interesting insight and perspective that I would have otherwise missed. My time with the Cullens had been mostly spent by Jasper's side. This was probably the longest time I was going to be alone with another Cullen aside from my angel.

"I doubt I can tell you more than what he's already told you.. but okay.."

I listened quietly as Edward retold the story of Jasper's history with Maria. He was right, Jasper had told me more or less the same story, I listened anyway.

"…………one evening he must have been feeling a little under from withdrawal or maybe he'd been snorting before that..I don't know for sure, but he didn't turn up for supper and dad just blew a gasket. He confronted him that very evening. It wasn't a ..pretty confrontation let me tell you that. He caught Jas in his room without his shirt on, he'd fallen asleep and dad just flung his door open. I'd never seen or heard dad look and sound so furious when he saw the scabs and wounds on his body."

I cringed. The thought of Jas's body covered in scabs and wounds sent shivers down my spine.

"But I can barely see any scars left on his body.." I muttered.

"The bitch was clever – she used razorblades and never cut too deep or over the same wound too many times. She probably just didn't want to disfigure her prize. And I guess Jas was also lucky that he's blessed with good genes – even when he was a kid when he hurt himself, his scars never really turned dark like some people do. If you look carefully, you can probably see the tell tale white lines all over his torso still.

"We were all furious with him that evening.. and the worse thing was, he was so helpless that he just broke down and cried. Dad practically put him under house arrest for the few days he filed a restraining order and complaint against her. Then he threw Jas into rehab, well – it was really a center for disturbed youth..he was there a few days before he ..,"

I touched his arm. The forming scowl on his face eased away before he turned to look at me again, the jade orbs now darkened slightly by a fine glaze of what I could only guess were tears.

"Did he tell you he tried to kill himself?"

I nodded my head. It was then that I realized my own eyes had leaked a little too.

"Emm and I actually had half the mind to seek her out and hurt her. Dad threatened to have us arrested and thrown behind the town jail though."

"What really broke me was the fact that I'd never seen him so heartbroken and lost…I didn't even recognize Jas in the center. He was so different to the guy I grew up with. Jas was very.. charismatic and confident and spirited.. and then after her.. that boy we all knew was just gone."

"We went to him every day while he was in the center. Tried to talk to him but he was unresponsive, maybe even catatonic. At one point, Emmett even wanted to pummel him to force him to speak. We knew he was hurting but he just wasn't letting anyone in. But that's Jas to you – he tends to internalize his pain, simmers in it – for what reason, even I'm not sure of really. But if he's not ready to speak, he won't."

I nodded, remembering his advice to me over the phone that time when he was grieving over Maggie's death.

"Eventually he opened his mouth.. but it was only after he went to California and met Bells that he started healing."

The smile on his face was light and happy when he mentioned Bella's name. I smiled with him. I was glad that of all the people he could have met and befriended, he met my childhood friend Bella. Bella had helped my angel to heal – she was Godsend.

"Why him?"

His eyes widened slightly – a little surprised perhaps that I had asked the question. I idly wondered if I sounded jealous asking that particularly question now. _Oh well too late._ I was a little surprised when the same orbs darkened slightly with what I thought was a mix of sadness and guilt before a dry chuckle escaped his lips.

"It actually started with a dare." He threw me the half smile that Jasper often gifted me. I couldn't help but smile at the sight.

"Emm, Jas and myself – we were in Port Angeles one weekend to see a movie and she was there with a couple of her college buddies. We'd been one upping each other as usual all the way from home to PA and when we caught sight of her we were quite smitten."

I looked at him pointedly, raising my eyebrow for effect. _Smitten? _Did I look like a 13 year old? He rolled his eyes and almost groaned.

"Okay.. our jaws dropped to the floor. But you know how high school girls are like - even with the makeup and act, they were still girls, and well that day - we saw all woman. A recently emerged butterfly - there was no way she was a high school kid wearing what she wore that day. And no offense to you, cause you're hot yourself, but Maria was.. smoking hot."

"Anyway, after the movie we saw her again and this time she was alone and we were actually pushing Emmett to go and chat her up, only Emmett got a bit flustered when she didn't even so much as look up when we passed her by the popcorn counter. So he double dared Jas, thinking I guess he wasn't going to do it. But Jas went and turned out she'd been eying him since we came. I think she liked Jas's scruffy rough look. Emm was too preppy, I was ..uh…bitch actually said I looked a bit gay."

I tried not to laugh but burst out anyway.

"Sorry Edward..I didn't mean to..and you don't look gay at all.. she was probably just jealous of your sexy hair." I chuckled.

"That's how they started dating really. For a couple of months, she was this really nice chick who even got us invited a couple of times to a few of her college parties.. even hooked us up with some of her chick friends. And then I don't know…after the first two months, their relationship got serious and pretty private… Jas obviously was a master at hiding things and it was only in the last month of their relationship that things started unraveling. It was the drugs that became his undoing really. He couldn't keep up with appearances as well as before. By then they had been dating about 7 months…."

"I'm really glad Bella was there…to help him," I murmured after a short lapse of silence passed between us.

"Yeah..me too. I think she was the right medium he needed to start healing again. What I mean is.. a woman betrayed his trust, and naturally he needed to learn to trust a woman again.. Bella helped him through his issues a lot..she was relentless..just the kindest of creatures.."

"Can I ask something..if it's not too much?" I interrupted him. I had seen Jazz and Bella interact and I knew they were just as close as Jazz and I were, if on a different level of intimacy. I wondered if they had had something before.

Edward caught the question in my face it seemed because he laughed a tiny laugh at me.

"You're wondering if they had anything before I hooked up with Bells?" He said easily. I stuck my tongue out a little in embarrassment and nodded.

"Not that I'm suspicious or anything…"

"Of course.." the words rolled off his tongue quickly, chuckling at me again.

"I think they might've tried.. this was way before I was in the picture of course..but the "sexual attraction" wasn't quite there for either of them I guess, but they did find a deeper emotional connection if I may say so? Bella is furiously protective of Jas, more than she is me. And Jas.. Jas..can be such a girlfriend with her sometime that it annoys the living daylights out of me.. so you can say that they are each other's BFFs."

I laughed out loud. BFFs? That was so… _girly._

"Don't tell Jas I said that though...he'd have my head.." he warned teasingly.

"I suppose you and I will have to settle with being their respective bedroom partners then.. Eh..I'm fine with that…we get the best parts anyway," I tittered while he broke into a barely restrained laugh.

6 hours of conversations and naps later, we arrived at the airport, got our rental car and drove to the hospital.

Dad was awake when we arrived. I almost cried when I saw how pale he looked. I had forgotten how shot my nerves were when I received the news early morning today. Thankfully my that didn't damage my normal social functioning – I quickly introduced Edward to them.

"Hello Mrs. Brandon, Mr. Brandon," Edward said courteously.

"Call me Cassie sweetheart, and this is Rob here," she said waving her hand down at him for his extra good manners and leaning over to hug him warmly. I smiled and kissed dad.

Mom leaned sideways and threw me a curious look.

"Honey..I thought..your guy was named Jasper? Did you switch boyfriends?"

Edward laughed out loud. I nearly died of embarrassment. Mom had no filter whatsoever. Perhaps that was where I caught my faulty switch in my head from. Only it came out a little wonky in my DNA.

"Edward is Jasper's younger brother…he's here in his stead..Jas can't fly for at least another year.." I explained.

Mom palmed her face, clearly mortified by her faux pas as dad and Edward laughed. I clucked my tongue at her in mild exasperation and disbelief.

"Oh my.. I'm so sorry Edward.. but I have to say …I hope Jasper is as handsome as you are…is he Alice?" she leaned sideways again, away from his broad frame and winked at me quickly. Edward's shaking frame only added to the furious blushing of my face.

"Mom!"

"How are you Mr.. I mean..Rob?" he asked when mom had had enough of embarrassing me. I squeezed dad's hand as he told Edward what the doctors told him. Then I told them both what Edward was studying. They both looked at him with new found admiration instantly. I was almost tempted to roll my eyes. Parents were so predictable, mine included.

"Well..I am not a doctor yet.. but judging from what they told you, with plenty of rest, I do believe in no time you'll be mowing the lawn again…" Edward humored us. I didn't think my parents could laugh any louder.

_Yup. He's just up his ratings with my parents. _

"How is Jasper by the way? We're sorry to hear of his ..illness.." Mom turned somber for a second.

"He's recuperating very well.. the transplant was a success and he actually just got his restrictions raised a little so it's all good,"

"We really have to thank you both for Alice here.. she's been very fundamental in Jasper's excellent progress.."

Edward flashed me a wink and I mouthed a thank you to him for his kind words. I caught dad's proud smile.

"We're very happy to hear that he is getting better, we'd been a little worried for him when Alice told us what had happen a few months back.. and I'm glad Alice's has been a positive support to your brother's progress…I guess we didn't do too badly hey sweetheart?" Dad grinned at mom.

Ed and I spent two whole hours with my parents before we decided to head to the hotel and get some rest.

"I can see where you got your "blurting out loud" trait from," he chuckled when we had checked in and headed towards our rooms. He'd gotten us rooms with an adjoining door between.

"Yeah…uh..I'm really sorry about mom..she's a bit of a funny child herself…" I replied, sliding the card through my door.

"It's cute.."

I rolled my eyes at him as he chuckled. We agreed to meet in two hours for late supper and a little tour of my old hometown after that.

"Hey Ed, I'm gonna leave the interleading door open kay – so you don't have to come knocking on the front door every time.." I told him quickly. He nodded and headed to his door. Once I was settled, I rang Jasper. God I missed him.

2 hours later, Edward drove while I navigated on the front passenger seat. We headed to a popular local fare restaurant called Ole Biloxi Schooner for some gumbo and po'boys. The hurricane had devastated a big part of Biloxi, but I was glad to see that it was coming back to life again.

"I'm really not the best person to show you around, my memory of this place pretty much went with the hurricane.. I spent more years in Italy than here.." I said dismally.

"That's okay..let's just drive around then…" he suggested casually. So we did. I found to my liking that Edward was actually quite chatty than the usual persona he presented in public a lot of the time. The familiar crooked smile appeared again when I shared my very thought with him. I jumped on the chance to ask him the question that had been running in my head for some hours now.

"I'm sorry…is that a family trait or is it just you and Jas that do that?" I interrupted him. He looked at me curiously for a second before turning his attention back to the road.

"That.. crooked smile you and Jas have.."

"Ahh…I bet you find it sexy eh?" he wiggled his eyebrows cheekily and chuckled. I was more than grateful for the semi darkness in the car then because I could feel myself blush at his gesture.

_If you only knew…_

He laughed.

"Fuck! Did I say it out loud?" I moaned. I was probably beet red by now. His single Uhuh confirmed it.

"I don't know…. It just comes with the territory I guess.." he answered.

"And that being?" I prompted, folding my legs up on the seat.

"That being I'm a fucking hot, good – looking stud.. all the sexiness comes naturally," he said deadpanned. My mouth dropped.

_Oh God – he did not just have a totally Paris moment!_

A side glance a second later though, plus a furious batting of his lashes, we both burst into laughter.

"I really had you there for a second didn't I?" he teased when we had both managed to regain our sanity back. I nodded through funny tears.

"See.. I'm misunderstood too… all this emo shit.. I'm actually Emmett.. only funnier….and brighter.. and handsomer……" He started again, sending me into another fit of bellyaching laughter.

***************

I knocked loudly on our adjoining door late at night on our fourth day there. A second later, not even bothering to wait for his answer, I opened the door and stood there shaking, waiting for him to get up.

"Alice?" Groggy voice greeted me as the bedside light switched on.

"Edward..can I stay with you for a bit?" I asked hesitantly. He pulled the duvet open and made room on his bed instantly. I was grateful to see that he was semi dressed in boxers and a tee. I made my way to his bed quickly and clambered next to him.

"Alice..you're shaking..what happen?" Strong, masculine arms went around my tiny shoulders and I was pulled into his warm embrace immediately. I gave in into the hug, realizing it was exactly why I came knocking in the first.

"Jesus Alice..are you okay?" he asked concernedly as the tremors slowly abated, his hands rubbing my goosey arms briskly.

"I'm fine…I just ..I just need some company that's all.."

"Alice..you're crying.. don't give me that shit.." He muttered, calling my bluff easily.

"Nothing..it's just a bad dream.." I murmured softly.

"You want to tell me? Maybe it'll help?"

I looked up at him for a second, wondering if I should. What if by saying it I would make it come true? Wasn't it what they always said? But if I wanted to get some sleep, sharing would probably help.

"Tell me.." He coaxed again. I sighed and snuggled even closer, recalling the dream to him softly.

"_Mom…"_

_He was standing on the opened door to her room in the apartment, shaking ever so minutely. He was leaning against the frame heavily._

"_Jasper? Honey..what's wrong?" _

_Esme's face was awashed with fear, worry. Her feet shuffled towards him quickly._

"_I don't feel so good…" he wheezed. Her small hand reached for his forehead and the worry lines between her eyebrows deepened further._

_She pulled him to her bed and laid him down._

"_Baby..I'm going to get dressed quickly. Can you try keep awake for two minutes? Okay? Can you do that?" _

_He nodded and flopped on the bed. She rushed into her clothes and then pulled out a couple of Carlisle's shirt and sweater form the drawer and hurried to his side to change his damp clothes. _

_She drove him to the ER. In the short time that it took for them to get there and for him to be assigned a bed, she was alarmed to find that he was once again soaking the shirt. While he was being hooked up to an IV, she ran his medical records to the attending physician. They wheeled him away instantly, her running after them worriedly. She called Carlisle. Frantic. _

"_He's having trouble breathing .. I don't know what's wrong.."_

_**********_

"_He has pneumonia, unfortunately we seem to have caught it a little late.."_

"_We are doing our best to get the virus under control, but its causing other complications to arise..his left lung is not expanding properly and there is fluid buildup ….and he's showing respiratory distress.."_

"_Is he going to be okay?"_

"_We're doing our best to keep the inflammation under control.."_

…_.._

"_There's persistent sign of hypoxemia despite mechanical ventilation…." the lady doctor conferred to Carlisle, shaking her head very subtly. _

"_Carlisle? What is she saying? Carlisle!" _

_He was white as sheet. _

"_We need call the kids.. we need to call the kids Esme," he croaked desperately. He looked like he was going to cry._

_*********_

_He was white as sheet._

_We had been busy listening and laughing to dad telling a funny story that happened in Africa during their holiday when he interrupted us._

"_Edward?" I asked, my breath hitching at the sight of his face. Time stopped suddenly as I watched him stride over to my place._

"_Edward..what's wrong? What's wrong with Jasper??"_

_He hugged me. _

"_Alice…." He whimpered and held on to me tighter._

"_Jasper…. Last night.. dad tried to get hold of us.."_

" _Alice… ..Oh God Alice….." he cried out._

************

"Fuck..." I watched one hand rake through the untamed mane of copper a little frenziedly before he returned to look at me again.

"That's ...quite fucked up.." he cursed even as he pulled me closer to his chest. I didn't know if I was imagining it or if it was just my own shaking motion transferring to him, but he seemed to be shivering as well.

"I'm sorry… I know it's sick…" I sniffed.

"How long have you been having these dreams??"

"A few days before he went back in…" I admitted softly. He frowned briefly before his hands came up to my shoulders, shaking me a little. The green eyes peered at me sharply.

"Alice.. they're dreams okay, they don't mean a thing alright? It's just your fears getting the best of you… that's all..okay?" he said vehemently. I clung to his words now like they were a protective mantra. No matter how ominous the dream was – it was a dream. Just my inner fear getting the best of me.

_Need to get home._

"Edward…I want to go home tomorrow, can we? My dad is fine.. we don't need to stay here until Sunday.." I told him suddenly.

"You sure?" he inquired, looking into my eyes. I could the worry mirroring in his.

"Yes.. please.. I need to get home soon. Please?"

"Okay..I'll arrange for it now okay? Why don't you get cleaned up and come back here. You're not sleeping by yourself after that…" he said flatly and reached for the phone instantly.

**********

"Mom, dad…I'm sorry for bailing out so quickly…"

"That's too bad honey..but we do appreciate you coming, and you Edward.. thank you for accompanying Alice.." mom said as I hugged her tightly.

"Is everything okay dear? Is it Jasper?" she asked quietly to me. I almost cried again at the thought. I shook my head. _ Jasper was okay._

"He's ..he's okay.. I just… I just need to go back.." I replied. If my mom wasn't happy with my answer, she didn't pester me. Edward's phone rang then and he excused himself momentarily and went outside to answer the call.

"Maybe when your dad is better, we can come and visit this new family of yours in ..where is it? Forks?" she inquired, giving me a smile. She made me laugh a little.

"Do that…you will love the Cullen, they really are a great bunch," I stated happily, leaning in to hug her again.

'I'm really sorry mom..dad..I promise I'll come visit again…I'm just.. worried about Jasper..I hope you're not slighted by my cutting this visit.." I explained, looking at dad now.

"Come give me a hug angel.." Dad called. I walked over to his bed, climbed it and gave him a tight one.

"Sweetheart – you do what you have to do okay? Don't worry about your mom and I…I'm very proud of you.. if this man can make you leave Italy… I am sure he is worth all the effort _cara mia_," I smiled at his use of my childhood call name again.

"Thanks dad..you're the best!" I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him again.

"Alice.."

Edward finally made his appearance again. I turned instinctively to answer him.

"Are you ready to go?" He asked avoiding my gaze. He was acting too coolly.

I couldn't help but pick up the sudden shift in his demeanor and it sent my inner worry scale spiking.

"Everything okay?" I asked quietly, approaching him. He nodded his head, still avoiding my gaze and proceeded to hug my parents and wish them well. We left soon after.

"Edward? What's going on? Who was on the phone?" I asked as soon as we got in the car and he drove out onto the highway towards the airport.

"That was dad.." he said tightly.

"Jasper's in the hospital.. mom found him curled in bed, running a high fever this morning…."

"What?!!" I screamed.

"Calm down Alice…you're giving me a heart attack......"

I pressed my palms against the sides of my head fiercely - it was that or the leatherette seat of the rental, and I didn't exactly want to waste time having to explain to the rental guys why the passenger seat was suddenly torn to shreds. I felt his free hand reaching over to rub my back soothingly.

_Jazz is okay. Jazz is okay. Jazz is okay. Jazz is okay._

"Listen okay? Dad said he's lucid.. and annoying the nurses..." he let out a small albeit tight chuckle.

"But your dad wants us to be there anyway," I added, just as another burst of worry stabbed at me.

He nodded.

"Do they know what it is?"

"They're not sure yet…they're still running tests…."

Unconsciously my hand found its way into his long slender hand resting on his thigh and I opened it and placed mine there, squeezing it lightly. I noticed how different our hands were – my hand was round, tiny, short. His long and narrow. Jazz's hands were long as well - but wider too and more balanced, and mine somehow just fit perfectly in his. I felt the texture of Edward's hand and noticed how soft they were, almost like a baby's bum. His nails were clipped into neat squares. Perfect doctor's hand. Jazz's hands were soft too, but rougher somehow - the lines and wrinkles more pronounced. A palm reader's heaven - expressive. His nails were usually clipped rounded. Callused tips - from strumming his guitar, his right middle finger bearing a distinct yet not disfiguring 'writer's bump' from holding his pen or pencil too hard or too much. The pads of his palms - the mounts, were spongy, just the right amount of thickness to cover the bone joints underneath. I realized now how much I had always found comfort and assurance in Jazz's hand. I merely needed to place my hand in his, and my fears would be allayed somewhat. I couldn't that calm in Edward's hand now and I was desperate for it.

_I should be there, holding his hand. I should have been there last night._

"I'm sure he'll be fine Alice.."

I wanted so much to believe him. Instead, I kept my thoughts focused on the feeling of my hand in his, gripping it tightly, knowing it would have to do for now.

_Be okay Angel. Please.. be okay. _

_

* * *

_A/N: *snicker* I know... another dundundun.. please - review.


	48. House of Cards

Disclaimer: Characters are originally SM's. But the tripod boys are mine...

A/N: Thank you again to everyone who's read and reviewed. Means a lot to know what you guys felt or thought about each chapter. The rollercoaster is starting again - are you ready? If you've read this far into the story - I bet you are...

without further ado... kleenexes be ready for this chapter onwards.. Just in case.

Summary: We all know Jasper's health is a precarious house of cards....

* * *

**Chapter 34: House of Cards **

_Note: ~indicates Esme's thoughts~_

_Note2: italicized text indicates past – flashback. Esme is now reflecting on the day's events._

**Esme POV**

I had woken up to a nightmare. A horrible walking nightmare.

After 40 days of hearing nothing but progress, this was the last thing I expected today. Last weekend, the entire of last week in fact, had been such a positive time for all of us. Jasper's good news from the previous week, then more good news that followed, and then the surprise party they had all thrown for me. And the boys' surprise gift to me was the icing on the cake. Everything had just been too perfect. _Save for that little scare on Sunday morning about Alice's dad_. _But even that turned out alright, he was okay and on the mend._ Alice sounded very positive and cheerful when she last spoke to us.

Everything was going well. Everything was supposed to be going well still.

Why now?!

************

_**7 :00 a.m**_

_**Day +60**_

"_Where are you going sexy?" husky, breathy morning voice greeted me as my feet rummaged around the floor below me looking for my slippers. I smiled and for a second briefly considered if I could delay another 10 minutes or so. It wasn't always that Carlisle and I had time alone like this. _

_~Right. Perhaps you can refresh my memory again – who it was that has been sharing this bed with us the last 5 days?~_

_I grinned sheepishly at my own conscience teasing me. ~Okay. Maybe later then. When Jasper is at the clinic.~_

_I leaned back and turned a little sideways to kiss the blonde haired handsome man next to me and heard his muffled voice in my neck, asking me if I really had to get up right now. How very Jasper of him. _

"_Yes hun.. I have to go make breakfast.. and you need to go get showered and ready, your son has a date with the clinic today." I reminded him, laughing a little when he groaned._

_~You wonder where the children got their traits from?~_

_Carlisle might not be their biological dad, but I could have been fooled._

_My first stop was the coffee maker. This day would not start without espresso or cappuccino or latte._

_Next stop. Jasper's room. I felt sorry for him, the last two days had been a battle of sorts with him. Alice's presence, or rather her non presence had made him a bit lethargic about going through his routines. Monday was good, Tuesday I started seeing the grumpiness appear. Since Wednesday he'd been nothing but grouchy. I was starting to think that maybe too much Alice was not too good for him either because I remembered him being more tolerable when he was single still._

_I shook my head. That was just foolish thinking. I would be stupid to wish for something like that. Alice had been nothing but a saving grace. Jasper had never been happier since Alice and him got together. It was a mother's wish come true._

_I knew this quick mood shifts with Jasper had a lot to do with his ongoing treatment. No matter how cheery and positive he had been since, Dr.R did warn us that the medication, demanding course of treatment and side effects – temporary and long term, could cause certain psychological changes in him. Depression was not unusual in some people. Neither was this one. We just had to try and not take it personally. _

"_Jasper, honey are you up? I'm coming in.." I knocked and waited 10 seconds before opening the door. I smiled at the sight of the curled body snuggled tightly under the mountain of duvet on the bed. He was usually an early riser. Except for the last few days. _

_~Alice. Obviously.~ __I smiled quietly._

"_I hope you're decent Jasper.." I said loudly as I approached the bed._

"_Honey.."_

_The smile on my face died the moment I leaned down. His cheeks were flushed and he was breathing shallow breaths. My hand flew to his forehead and the heat I felt must have fried my nerves, because I my heart stopped beating at once. He was burning._

"_Jasper… honey..you need to wake up. you're burning up...." I rambled quickly, shaking his shoulder. He curled further into the duvet it seemed, mumbling at me to go away._

"_Baby…I know you want to sleep, but you running a fever honey..we need to get you to a doctor okay?" I knew the rule of thumb was 100.4 but I didn't need a thermometer to know his temperature right now was way over that. I attempted to turn him over, wanting to look him in the eye and tell him that this was serious. I needed him to get up. Now._

"_Don't feel so good…" he mumbled, glazed eyes looking at me just as a shiver coursed through him. I almost shivered with him right then – although mine was more fear than fever induced._

"_Esme? Everything alright?" Carlisle's head peeked out from behind the door, smile on his face, clearly unaware what was happening._

"_Carlisle..he's burning up.." I exclaimed worriedly. He was beside me in a flash, checking him over instantly. How we got to the ER next was a blur to me. All I remembered was Carlisle instructing me to get my bag and the door and drive and he was half dragging, half supporting Jasper down the few steps to the awaiting car._

_We arrived at the ER not 5 minutes later, and Carlisle took charge – reciting Jasper's medical history and symptoms to the attending doctor immediately. Jasper was rushed to a separate wing instantly, away from all the sickness and opportunistic infections that could threaten to hurt him even more. After what seemed like 10 minutes of checking him over – he was wheeled over to another floor, the two of us following after them like headless chickens, not really sure what was happening. I vaguely felt like I was running around in a surreal parallel universe suddenly. I wasn't touching ground, merely floating in it, not really sure which was up which was down. Another 20 minutes or so passed before we were finally let in, and Dr R arrived just in time to meet us. We waited inside while the attending doctor that treated Jasper earlier conferred with him. My hand reached out to touch the tiny stubble of hair that was starting to grow on his head. It was growing in uneven patches and he had wanted to have it shaved until it started to grow properly again, but was waiting for Alice to see it first so they could record it in his little book of victories. _

"_Mom?" _

_My heart rented a little at hearing that voice. Weak. Sick. I hadn't heard it in over a month, since his last post transplant fever. I was hoping not to hear it again so soon. I willed myself to smile at the fevered blue eyes looking at me._

"_Honey? How are you feeling?" I asked, cringing at how sickly sweet my voice sounded. I was bad at faking things._

"_I've been better…" He dry coughed and frowned deeply, eyes closed tightly for a second. The cough was giving him a headache for sure. My own face frowned after him. God only knew how I hated seeing him having to go through another bout of fever and its accompanying aches and pain. If I could offer myself as a substitute I would. _

"_Hello Jasper.." _

_My attention was turned to Dr R who finally addressed us. Courteous greetings exchanged, he went right down to business starting with his disappointment at seeing Jasper back in a hospital room. _

"_Sorry doc..I..don't control these things.." he laughed in response, although I could see there was hardly any humor in his face. It was tight, as though he was in pain. Or annoyed at himself._

"_It's not your fault son..these things happen…even to our star patients.." Dr. R replied kindly. I was grateful to hear his response. I only knew too well Jasper's automatic reaction was to take on the guilt. He approached the bed, and for a second flipped through Jasper's chart again. _

"_Any pain in your chest?" he inquired casually, observing Jasper quietly. _

"_Just a little breathless I guess but it doesn't hurt.." Jasper answered sluggishly. More questions followed, each answered with growing weariness and more than just a tinge of agitation. _

"_Elsewhere?"_

"_Nothing I haven't mentioned to the other doctor…look I'm just weary all over.." He responded tightly finally. I gave Dr. R a weak smile and he returned it subtly. He'd been with Jasper long enough to know his moods and it was not particularly merry right now._

"_Okay Jasper..no more questions, I'll let you rest now, but if you feel anything different – you let your parents know yes?" He pressed firmly. My poor child nodded mutely and promptly sank back and buried his face sideways onto the pillow, closed his eyes and tuned all of us out. Had he not been feeling unwell, I would have chastised him for his impoliteness. Leaving my hand on Jasper's shoulder so I could continue stroking his arm, as I always did many years ago when he was still small, I returned my attention to Dr R again._

"_At the moment the only symptoms he is displaying seems to be the fever and body aches. Until we get the test results and or get more symptoms developing, I'm afraid I can't really give you much information about where the fever is coming from. His lungs sound okay for the moment, and that's good news. But I won't be surprised if it turns out to be one. Coincidentally, we've had a few chest infections cases turning up in the last week or so – it could be that he's caught the same thing."_

_He turned to look at me, expecting to see the fear in my face already. I wasn't going to deny it – just the mention of chest infections sent my inner mother bear alter ego on high alert. _

"_Esme…they're were parainfluenza cases, normally kids get them, and the immunosuppressed obviously – sometimes they do cause high fevers like this but it's not as hectic as it sounds…I promise you. A bit of rest and some antibiotics – and they clear up in about a week with no damage to the patient," _

_I looked at Carlisle and he seemed placated by Dr. R's assurance. I leaned into my husband's frame lightly and allowed myself to relax._

"_In the interim, while we wait for the tests to come out, we're already putting him on empiric antibiotic therapy and adjunct medication to help with the pain. The best thing for him to do right now is to rest as much as possible. I'll be back again to check up on him later,"_

_We thanked Dr. R before he left and settled ourselves down in the small settee in the room._

_I sighed and hoped this was going to be just another one of those quick 2 day fevers he got while in chemo recovery._

Hearing Dr. R's assurance, I hadn't been too worried then. I really believed it could be just that. Just another minor bump in the road, like the fever he spiked after his BMB a few weeks back. He'd been doing so well and we'd been very careful. His counts was up, much better than when he was recovering from chemo. The thought of him catching something bad didn't seem possible at the time.

_************_

"_Did you call the kids?" I asked my husband a little while later. He nodded._

"_Surprisingly, Edward and Alice are flying back this morning. Something about Alice wanting to get back to Jasper sooner." We both smiled. Somehow these two reminded us so much of our own romance more than twenty years ago. We had been just as needy of each other then just as these two were now. I was still, but he didn't need to know that…How funny that Alice had ties with Italy, even if she wasn't as Italian as I was. _

"_She reminds me of you sometime...." Carlisle muttered, his gray blue eyes sparkling at me. I laughed at his obvious flirting. This one week, almost one week of spending time with me and Jasper in the apartment had been good for us._

"_Minus that funny habit of hers of talking her thoughts out loud though.." I corrected gently. His face quirked in agreement._

"_Yeah…obviously.. you're a real Italian after all, no thinking needed..just yammer out loud like you own the world...."_

_I swatted his hand. _

Neither Carlisle nor myself had been too worried that morning.

****************

_**9:30 am**_

_2 hours had passed since Jasper was admitted. Shame, my poor baby was getting a little more than just slightly annoyed with the nurses coming in and out to disrupt his sleep. It was pretty damn near impossible as every now and then, a nurse would come in either to check on him, take more samples from him, or check his IV. I had a moment of déjà vu watching the nurses go about their job – it brought me back to the many days and nights I'd spent with Jasper during his chemo days. I was torn between them and Jasper - they were doing their job and I was more than grateful that they were working hard to find a cause to his fever, but at the same time, I couldn't help but understand his agitation. He needed rest and the disruption was not helping him get any.  
_

"_Sorry handsome…one more.. doc wants a spinal tap done, I need you to turn to your side quickly," the attending nurse called Claudia came in again with another request. He protested loudly this time, grumbling into the pillow. Both mine and Claudia's eyes widened slightly at his vocal protest before we smiled apologetically at each other. _

"_Honey….you know they're only trying to help you..come now," I placated softly, running my hand over his shoulder again. He seemed to relax under my touch and a moment later adjusted his body so Claudia could access his back._

"_I'll be quick.. and I promise I won't ogle…." Claudia muttered again, obviously trying to lighten up Jasper's sour mood._

"_Ahh I won't worry about that Claudia dear....he's shown his bum to half the population of this center a few months back.." I supplied, joining in her harmless teasing. _

_It worked. He moaned at me embarrassedly, his face promptly disappearing into the pillow further. The blush he hid was evident still on his neck and ear._

_We both chuckled._

_The headache worsened somewhat after the procedure. But Carlisle told me that it was quite a common reaction to the spinal tap. Nothing to be worried over. He was the doctor, I was just an overbearing mother bear._

I should have listened to my maternal instinct harder.

************

_**12:30 pm**_

_Carlisle and I had just returned from an early lunch just in time to find that he had woken up from a much needed uninterrupted sleep._

"_Did you sleep well honey?" I asked. He mumbled something in incoherent that I couldn't make out. I didn't bother pressing him to repeat it, figuring he was not quite in the mood to talk._

_Truth be told, Jasper looked anything but fine. The flush of fever was evident on his face. His eyes were heavily lidded with whatever analgesic medication they were feeding him, even though I doubted the medication was helping with his headache – the frown on his forehead had been on permanent showcase since this morning. But fevers always got worse before they got better – this shouldn't be any different. And yet, I couldn't' shake off the nagging feeling that something was not quite right with him. _

"_I need to use the bathroom..dad...help?" he all but groaned the words out. I moved aside to let Carlisle help him up. I noticed disconcertedly as he tried to grip his dad's hand tightly a few times, as he placed his feet on the floor. But before I could even address my observation, before we even registered the look on his face, his body lurched forward and the next thing I knew I was covered in his vomit. Jasper stared at the mess he made looking utterly mortified, but all I could see was how green he seemed at the moment. _

"_I'm sorry…" he moaned._

"_It's okay honey…don't worry about it.. let's go get you cleaned up okay?"_

_A painful hurling episode in the bathroom later, he was barely able to get back to the bed on his own two feet. He was practically forcing his head to remain still as he vomited in the bathroom. It was plain to see his headache was worsened by the movement. _

"_Mom?" _

_I looked at my weary child and smiled weakly. "Yes honey?" _

"…_.where's Alice?" he asked naively – seemingly having no recollection at all that Alice was still in Biloxi. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have been upset by that question, but it was glaringly obvious by now that something was really wrong. He was disoriented. Was the headache causing it?_

_I cast a worried glance at Carlisle instantly – whatever this was, I was no longer allayed by what Dr R mentioned to us earlier. This did not look just like a normal fever. This did not feel like it could be one of those tiny para flu infection Dr R mentioned. The continuing headache and pain was worrying me, he'd just vomited twice, and now he seemed confused._

"_wake me up when she comes home?" he rasped tiredly, eyes closing once more. _

_~Oh my heart!~_

"_Okay baby..just try and get some sleep for now.."_

"_... this can't just be a normal fever.. Carlisle.. please call the doctor..." I pleaded to my husband. I had spent almost half the day pushing my own instinct away and it was practically screaming at me now. I didn't, couldn't afford to ignore it anymore._

"_I will.... but you want me to go and get a change of clothes for you from the car?" He offered. I was glad he didn't try to placate my worry now, glad we seemed to be on the same page about Jasper's situation right now._

_I shook my head. I much preferred for him to watch over our son and wait for the doctor to arrive._

"_I'll go… I'll be back soon," I left hurriedly._

_15 minutes later, temporarily dressed in one of Jasper's tee that I found in the overnight bag in the boot, I returned to the room and found Dr. R already talking to Carlisle by the door. There seemed to be a commotion going on inside._

"_Honey? What's happening?" I asked as I approached Carlisle again, flashing a tight smile at the doctor. _

"_Esme, they're moving Jasper to ICU." He said cautiously, but the emotion swirling in his eyes didn't escape me. He was extremely worried._

_If my body had been transparent, they would have seen my heart plummet to my feet right there. _

'_What?' I flashed a frantic glance at Carlisle instantly._

"_What's going on? Why are you moving him to ICU?" I threw the question at Dr. R even as I felt Carlisle's arm come around my shoulder to pull me close to him._

"_We've got the preliminary result of the spinal tap –Jasper's condition has just been bumped up to high alert."_

"_Why? What's changed? Carlisle?" I twisted my head to look at him again, barely able to keep my wits together. My nerves were unraveling like a top spinning out of control._

"_Esme....they suspect it's meningitis…..there could be inflammation in his brain.."_

_I felt my knees give away instantly. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe._

'_Inflammation? His brain?'_

_Oh God No. NO!!_

"_Esme!"_

_My vision tunneled around Carlisle's worried face even as he was furiously mouthing something to me and then.. then darkness._

*************

Today's event kept replaying in my mind again and again. Play –Stop – Rewind. Play – Stop – Rewind. I couldn't say what my head was trying to prove or show me. Maybe it was punishment for my negligence. Because even this morning, it barely crossed my mind that something could be wrong when I went to wake him up. Even seeing him curled up on his bed unusually like that, the duvet wound tightly around his body – even that didn't set the alarm bells in my head, my heart. And I'd always been so observant, so cautious with him. He must have been showing symptoms in the last few days. He must have! I'd been so vigilant with him before, how could I have missed them?

6 hours 20 minutes later – my child is now in ICU, fighting for his life again.

Something about inflammation in his brain? Meningitis? I couldn't even begin to process that statement without wanting to tear my own hair out. I'd fainted by the door when Carlisle told me what they suspected it was finally. His symptoms had been too vague for them to pinpoint it quickly, they said. Had he mentioned neck pain, he would have been on high alert immediately.

We'd all been fooled. My stupid foolish heart. How could I have led myself believe that everything was going to be alright now? How could I have let myself relax when he wasn't even into his 100th day? How could I have ever, ever led myself to believe my child was through the worst of it? Because of 4 weeks of stars in his chart?!

Foolish heart!

_What do I tell his brothers? What do I tell his sister? What do I tell the love of his life? _

***************

_4:00 pm_

"Mom! "

My head snapped around to see Edward and Alice walking hurriedly towards me. Carlisle was still in discussion with Dr. R and until they could ascertain it wasn't infectious, we couldn't go near him. My heart literally stopped hearing those words come out of Dr. R's mouth.

"_Carlisle – you can't seriously agree with this? I can't leave him on his own like that! He needs us…" _

_I was pulled flushed to his chest. He was trying to comfort me. Reason with me._

"_Esme…just as soon as they establish what it is - they'll let us in alright – it's for everyone's own good.."_

"_I have to watch him Carlisle.. I need to watch him… If I've been more observant…"_

If I'd been more observant…….

"What happened?? I only got a message from dad saying that..that Jasper's in ICU? We've been worried sick…What happen?"

Finally they were here. The tears finally made their appearance. They'd been missing the entire day.

_Because you don't' deserve the release. Because you were negligent. This is your fault Esme._

"Esme?"

I couldn't see my son or Alice clearly anymore.

"Your dad said….. Oh Edward…."

I gripped onto his hands tightly, trying to find the strength to tell him, break the devastating news to them.

*********************

**Edward POV**

When we landed at Seattle Airport again, my first concern was to switch my phone back on and get in touch with dad. We were only about 20 minutes from the hospital.

_1 message._

I rang my voicemail instantly. It was dad. I could have sworn my heart stopped beating the moment he said Jasper was in ICU. No explanation given. How was I going to explain this to Alice?

"Edward..what did he say?" Alice pestered me the moment I put the phone down on my lap again.

"He didn't say much.. but Jasper's in ICU."

"Oh God… Edward..No..ooo.." she broke down instantly. It was all I could do to pull her tightly into my hold.

"Alice..Alice listen…We don't know anything yet okay? It could be that he's just there on precaution.."

I didn't try and call dad or mom anymore. We were heading that way anyway. In any case, if the news was bad, I sure as hell did not want to be the one to break it to the lady sitting beside me now. She was on edge throughout our flight home as it were.

Her hand found mine again and she gripped it tightly once more. This time though, she wasn't the only one seeking for some kind of comfort in our touch. I was too.

_What if her dream came true? What if?_

_Oh God. Don't let it be real. Don't let it be real._

We practically raced to the ICU. How Alice managed to run in those killer heels, I could never comprehend. She was as graceful as a cat as we ran towards an available lift.

We caught mom sitting outside on one of the row of plastic chairs attached together. I called out to her the moment we were within soft hearing distance.

She looked totally worn out. I had a flash of déjà vu and almost reeled backwards at the onslaught of images popping into my mind suddenly. It was the time when I had to pull mom away from Jasper, the time he had had his cardiac arrest. She had lost her mind completely that day and it scared the shit out of me. She was nowhere close to that right now and I should have been relieved somehow – that could only mean that it wasn't a worst case scenario yet. And yet. I couldn't place it. Something was wrong with her.

"What happened?? I only got a message from dad saying that..that Jasper's in ICU? We've been worried sick…What happen?" I asked a little demandingly.

And there it was. The 'something' that had been wrong with her when I first caught her face. The tears had been missing from her. It seemed like she had been holding on to them for sometime because they were just gushing out like a storm now.

Alice called out to her. She only cried even more.

"Your dad said….. Oh Edward…." she broke down. Fear lanced in my chest painfully at her broken voice. I held her on her elbows then, and I could feel her gripping at my extended arms tightly.

When she sobbed it out, my mind stopped functioning. All I could decipher was two distinct words – **Brain. Inflammation.**

_Oh Jesus._

I turned to look at Alice at once. She stood still, rigid as a pole, and for a second I thought she might not have understood what mom just said. Then I saw a fat blob of tear roll down her left eye quietly. Followed by another. And another. When her lips started trembling, it was all I could do to pull her flush to my chest – and with every shake of her tiny shoulders, as each tear spilled onto my shirt, my chest – it felt as if my own heart was being sliced open, cut by little cut.

_Don't. Cry._

It took all of my strength to not let my own eyes betray me.

Before we left, everything had been going well. We returned home to Forks for the first time in 2 months and surprised the hell out of mom for her birthday. It had been a fantastic evening. Jas was in high energy that night. Both Emmett and I agreed it was the healthiest we'd seen him in months!

"_I feel great guys…I really do.." _ He even said it himself and the sparkle in his eyes that evening was obvious for all of us to see. We'd jammed together for mom – our first in years and it was awesome.

He was doing great. My brother was doing fantastic.

I was suddenly overcome by something caustic boiling and bubbling inside of me.

Fury. Murderous fury.

_What the fuck happened? _

_What. The. Fuck. Happened?!!_

* * *

A/N: I know everyone's been expecting Alice's dream to come true - and I guess everyone's been expecting pneumonia hey? No error here, dreams don't always translate perfectly into reality, even Alice's. It's more the message it carries. And hers are ominous.

Let me know your thoughts and fears and hopes. Next chapter is called ALL FALL DOWN - *shiver*. Let me know if you want a teaser.


	49. Kleenex Warning: All Fall Down

Disclaimer: Character are originally SM's.

A/N: Another medical chapter. Just a note to everyone; this has been a hard chapter to write, partly because I do ( I really do!) hate making Jas and everyone else hurt ( particularly the Cullen boys – Carlisle included – but there is something so intrinsically 'appealing' in making a man character emote such big feelings..anyway I digress); and partly because I am not a doctor. So – if I make any mistake below – medical terms, prognosis… don't flame me please. Of course I do my best to research but I only have so much free time to read up on all these stuff. And I want to deliver on time ( it's unfair to make you guys squirm on your seats too long). That said – enjoy the ride...( it's bumpy).

Summary: Jas has fallen ill and his family goes through hell yet again.

**Warning: Kleenexes.**

* * *

**Chapter 35: All Fall Down**

All I could decipher were two distinct words – Brain. Inflammation.

_Oh Jesus._

I turned to look at Alice at once. She stood still, rigid as a pole, and for a second I thought she might not have understood what mom just said. Then I saw a fat blob of tear roll down her left eye quietly. Followed by another. And another. When her lips started trembling, it was all I could do to pull her flush to my chest – and with every shake of her tiny shoulders, as each tear spilled onto my shirt, my chest – it felt as if my own heart was being sliced open, cut by little cut.

_Don't. Cry._

It took all of my strength to not let my own eyes betray me.

Before we left, everything had been going well. We returned home to Forks for the first time in 2 months and surprised the hell out of mom for her birthday. It had been a fantastic evening. Jas was in high energy that night. Both Emmett and I agreed it was the healthiest we'd seen him in months!

"_I feel great guys…I really do.." _ He even said it himself and the sparkle in his eyes that evening was obvious for all of us to see. We'd jammed together for mom – our first in years and it was awesome.

I suddenly felt angry.

_What the fuck happened? _

_What. The. Fuck. Happened?!!_

**

* * *

**

**Edward POV**

I was livid. Livid at whoever it was that was playing this stupid game with all of us. Was Jasper just a pawn in this stupid shit? Were all of us just pawns on a giant fucking chess board that GOD and the Devil were playing?

_There are fucking murderers, rapists, pedophiles out there that you can fucking use as pawns! Not decent people like us! What the fuck did we do to deserve this?! What the fuck did Jasper do to deserve this?? He's the kindest soul I know God.. why are You making him suffer like this? _

I slid down against the wall of the bathroom and rested on the balls of my feet, raking my hair furiously. Tears, tears, more tears poured out of my eyes. I was tired of this. I was tired of this rollercoaster we'd been on for months.

_If you want him to die – then take him! Take him quickly and painlessly! But not like this.. God not like this._

I must be losing my mind. I did not want him to die. I did not want Jasper to die.

_Please. I didn't mean that. Please spare him. Spare my brother._

Brain inflammation. Meningitis? Encephalitis? Either one – it was bad. So many things could have happened and it had to be something like this?

I wish mom could tell me more, if I had more information perhaps my mind wouldn't be going off into several directions all at once. Dad and Dr R were still missing in action. And we couldn't even go and see Jas.

Fuck.

I needed Emmett. Right now, I couldn't possibly face the two ladies outside and still keep my wits with me. I was barely holding myself together.

"Edward." Emmett's voice was a calming breeze amidst the storm brewing in my head.

My voice cracked through the phone.

"You okay?"

"I'm fucking angry.." I sobbed.

"I need you. Alice and mom are falling apart..I don't think I can handle them... I can't even handle myself right now.."

"I'm almost there okay? Just hang on.. what did mom and dad say? How's Jasper?"

"It sounds bad Emm…" I took a drag of air and breathed out forcefully, trying to gain a semblance of control of myself.

"I haven't seen dad..but mom said…it's a brain inflammation.."

My eyes shut to the sound of Emmett cussing softly at the end of the line. It took him a moment to control himself before he spoke again. Right now, I wanted him to be the big brother who always said the right things and made everything okay again.

"Eddie..listen to me okay? Everything is going to be fine with Jas.. but right now, he needs you to be there for Alice alright? Alice and mom.. We're almost there. I need you to keep yourself together for now okay? Jas needs us. Tripod remember?"

"Okay. Okay.." I mumbled quietly.

_Tripod. We're a tripod. Jas needs me right now._

"_Edward…take care of my girl for me okay?"_

He'd asked me to take care of Alice last week when I offered to go in his stead. I'd promised him. She was still my responsibility. Hiding in the bathroom wasn't going to help me do that.

_You're such a moron sometimes._

_I know. Tell me about it._

"Eddie..I gotta go..you fine?"

"Yeah..Thanks Emm. See you soon."

I ended the call.

A few stilling breaths, and a generous amount of water splashed on my face to wash the residual tears away moments later, I somehow managed to pull myself together. I left the privacy of the men's room and went in search of Alice and mom again.

"Hey.." I greeted both ladies, throwing a half smile their way. The sheer despair evident on both their faces still, made my insides uneasy; I practically battled with my inner demons to keep my own feelings from showing up on my face.

"Any news?" I asked mom, referring to dad. She shook her head.

"Well.. Emmett and Rose are on their way. Bella should be arriving soon too."

Neither of them appeared to be in the mood to talk. I sighed inwardly. Maybe this was better. At least I didn't have to make pretend faces to hide the turmoil inside me. I leaned back down on the seat next to mom and threw my arm around her shoulder, pulling her to lie on mine.

"Alice.. why don't you come this side.." I motioned to her. She duly followed without a word but her eyes flashed me a grateful glance. She laid her head on my chest and I could feel her shoulders shake minutely still – remnants from her earlier sobbing. I did the best thing I could think of, tried to soothe her somehow with my touch – even though I knew, the only source of calm she was looking for was lying in an ICU bed somewhere, unable to reach out to her.

That was how Emmett, Rose and Bella found us 20 minutes later.

With all of us gathered there, it crossed my mind suddenly that we had congregated once more at the very same place as we did 4 months ago – when Jasper had had his septic scare. We'd set up camp on this very floor for almost a week. And we were back here again. For the same bloody reason. I wanted to laugh at the sickness of the situation – what a morbid place for a family meeting. My mind flew back to my breakdown in the bathroom earlier –my lash out to God. Perhaps I'd lost my marbles and was turning looney finally. Emmett flashed me a look of concern and I wondered if my face had betrayed me. He reached out a hand to touch my shoulder; mom still wrapped tightly under one arm, Rosie hugging her on the other side. I still had Alice under mine and my Bella was on her far side, stroking Alice's hair and murmuring comforting words into her ear. Once again, it was the 6 of us - forming the all too familiar circle of support. Waiting. Praying. Hoping.

I wondered how many times we were going to have to do this. And how many times before this would cease to provide any form of comfort or hope.

****************

**Alice POV**

_~Don't worry about me… I'll be here, hale and missing you to no end until you get back ~_

_You promise me you'd be hale angel. You promise me._

_~I'll be waiting for you kitten. I miss you already.~_

_Jazz._

"Oh Alice.."

I looked up at Rosie and my face promptly broke again. Jazz was written all over her – her hair, her eyes, her chin. It only made the gaping hole in my heart more obvious. She pulled me into her embrace swiftly.

"I'm so..orry…I can't st...stop hea..hearing his voice ..in..in my head.." I stuttered through sobs.

"Shh….it's okay.. it's okay.. he's going to be alright Alice.. we just have to believe that.."

_~I love you sunshine. Come home to me soon.~_

_Angel. I'm here. I'm here. Please don't give up…don't leave me._

I couldn't shake the tears away. I couldn't.

I just wanted to know that my center was alright. I just wanted to know that.

*****************

**Edward POV**

It must have been about 20 minutes since the rest of the family arrived before I finally saw dad on the floor with Dr. R appearing from behind the ICU doors. Had he been here all this while?

I stood up – tense and anxious for information. I didn't need to look to know that the rest of my family was mirroring my very feelings and posture.

"I'm sorry to have to meet all of you under such bad circumstance again…" Dr. R spoke solemnly to all of us.

"What's happening Doc?" Emmett jumped in, not bothering with pleasantries.

_He sighed – Defeated? Relieved?_

"There is some good news. We've established that it's not bacterial. You can all go in and see him if you want."

"But how is he?"

"His stats are stable at the moment. He's experiencing a considerable amount of pain – headaches mostly, so we're keeping him sedated and treating the inflammation. There's some degree of mental confusion and a blurring of consciousness – some of you might get a little anxious when you see him like that, but it's to be expected with his condition right now. We've done a CT scan of his brain – it's normal. But EEG showed diffused slowing and dysrhythmia. "

Dad butted in quickly. "The important thing is he's awake right now, and I spoke to him a few minutes ago."

A round of relieved sighs and 'Thank Gods' resounded among our small party then. I looked at mom and Alice and sure enough I could see the look of relief appear on their faces. I cast a glance at dad and he caught my knowing look. There were something more he wanted to share with us but he was hedging. Then it dawned on me he was waiting for Alice and mom to leave first.

"Mom? Alice? Do you guys want to start? Jazz must be frantic to see you by now Alice…" I prompted. The light in Alice's eyes lit up immediately and I couldn't help but smile. She'd been uncharacteristically dark and gloomy since the morning and it was a mild comfort to finally see some light back in them.

"Just a little caution though – he's quite sensitive to lights and noise right now, so don't switch the light on when you go in, and best to keep the noise level down?"

"Thanks Doctor R. Will do." Alice chimed and pulled mom with her. We grinned. Alice just called the doctor the secret nickname we gave him out loud. Dad smiled and I heard Emmett's fake cough, he was trying to keep his grin checked. Dr. R looked totally unfazed by the whole thing.

The moment they disappeared behind the door, we all turned to dad and Dr. R once more. Now for the rest of the news. My hand knotted into Bella's tightly. The smile on dad's face disappeared. The calm façade he had moments ago was gone and replaced by worry.

_No_. He looked broken. His eyes were like glass. Glistening.

"So what is it?" I asked the dreaded question that was hanging at the tip of everyone's tongue.

"Viral meningitis."

The tense muscles that had been keeping my shoulders rigid for the last hour relaxed perceptibly. It couldn't be that bad if it was just aseptic meningitis – they were mostly mild cases needing only plenty of rest and adjunct therapy for pain. Before I could even say no though – the muscles sprung back to where they were before. _Why in the hell did dad look so dreadful then?_

"What kind…. of virus?" I asked cautiously, flashing a dreaded look at dad.

"We're still waiting for the PCR test to confirm it, but it's highly likely CMV. Your brother is seropositive for it and he was getting preemptive therapy to control the infection. Somehow the virus managed to break into his central nervous system and got out of control."

I felt as though somebody had just slammed my body straight on and knocked the breath out of me. Thank God my feet were planted on the floor solidly; I would have fallen on my ass otherwise. I looked at dad again, understanding why he looked the way he did now. As if on cue, random information on the virus – courses I'd taken in the past – refreshed themselves at the fore of my memory again.

_CMV…….. herpes family virus. Widespread, easily transmittable via bodily fluids – semen, saliva, urine…. Almost all people have been exposed to CMV by the time they are adults…. Virus usually does not make healthy people sick…. potentially harmful to newborns..congenital disorders…people with weakened immune systems…..more serious, potentially life threatening illnesses…disease last for weeks or months… __**can be fatal**__. … CMV diseases, __**once manifest is difficult to treat.**_

Difficult to treat. Potentially fatal.

"I'm sorry… do you mind explaining it in English?" Emmett said out loud, albeit a little stiffly; interrupting my thought effectively. Of course they wouldn't understand it. Dr. R might as well have been talking Klingon to the rest of my family.

"Meningitis means an inflammation of the meninges – membranes covering your brain. CMV is short for cytomegalovirus – it belongs to the herpes family of virus." I droned, as if reading from textbook.

His eyes widened, perhaps a little embarrassed to hear that Jasper had a herpes virus in him. I almost rolled mine. Sometimes it really bothered me how ignorant and negative people could still be about things like herpes and HIV – as if only biblically defined bad people – prostitutes, gays, atheists, could get them. I wondered if mothers were going to stop sending their kids to daycare centers if they knew that these centers were highly causative in the exponential spread of a highly communicable 'herpes' virus like CMV among kids today.

"Most adults have it Emmett..it's one of the most common and widespread virus there is. You can get it from sharing a cup. A lot of kids have it too.." I explained impartially.

A quite Ohh told me he felt foolish for his reaction. I carried on.

"Like herpes… once it's in your body, it stays in your body. There's no cure for it. In healthy people, it's usually dormant, kept in check by our immune system. It really only becomes a problem in newborn babies or… immune compromised individuals – like Jas. That said though – there are treatments to control the virus." I explained, almost marveling at how detached I sounded suddenly. Just like Dr. R and dad sometimes. My TA would have been proud.

"Well that's good news right? That you can control the virus..Jasper's in good hands then?"

Emmett and his positive outlook. Sometimes I wished I could have his ability to always see the good side to things. Even in tight situations, he always managed to find a positive angle somehow. Maybe that was why he was the funny one and Jas and I were the moody, emo ones. I looked at dad quietly, wondering if he was going to explain the seriousness of the matter to them. They must have discussed this between them prior to meeting us, because Dr. R was the one who answered Emmett and he did not disclose anything further than necessary.

"CMV meningitis is a bit of a rare case – we usually encounter pneumonitis with BMT patients, but there has been documented success on its treatment. Don't worry, we'll be working around the clock to ensure that Jasper gets the best treatment to overcome this hurdle successfully."

The calm façade had returned to dad's face again. It occurred to me he was keeping the bad news to a minimum so everyone could remain positive about Jasper's situation. Saying this was potentially fatal wasn't going to benefit anyone. I just prayed Dr. R was going to deliver on his promise.

**************

**Emmett POV**

There was something Dad and Edward were holding back from us. I could virtually taste the lie emanating from them. Well, perhaps not so much a lie, but an omission. I looked at the girls, at Rosie specifically and I somehow felt relieved that they were spared from whatever it was that Edward, dad and Dr. R were keeping. It couldn't have been good, if they were keeping it to themselves. Times like this, I wish I carried a medical dictionary around so I could understand half the jargon dad and Edward sometimes talked about. At times, I could see they were throwing knowing looks at each other – some form of doctor communication shit. I wasn't jealous or anything, I just wished I didn't have to corner them all the time to get the truth out, even if they were doing it with the best of intentions. But Jas was my brother too. I cared for him too.

"Hey Edward, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Yeah..what's up.."

"Walk with me to the men.." I motioned with my head. He followed me wordlessly.

"So..you wanna tell me what you and dad and Dr. R were withholding back there?" I asked bluntly just as soon as we were in the privacy of the men's room. I figured there was no reason to be beating around the bush with him. If I thought he was going to be on the defensive, I was wrong.

He raked his messy hair and leaned back against the tiled wall, and for a moment I lost sight of his emerald green orbs as his lids closed on them. He was contemplating on what to say to me. I crossed and uncrossed my arms in front of my chest, getting just a little impatient while he deliberated.

"Will you just tell me already?" I asked 2minutes later. What was so hard to say that he needed to arrange his thoughts so long?

"There's a reason why Jasper was getting preemptive therapy for the virus Emm. They were trying to keep it in check so it doesn't develop into end organ diseases…" he sighed tiredly. When I gave him my blinkers look, indicating I was still not understanding him he explained further.

"CMV induced pneumonia is still one of the main causes of morbidity in BMT patients…but then all CMV diseases...once manifest..they..they're… difficult to treat."

My eyes narrowed at his statement. Clarity was still eluding me though.

"What do you mean difficult to treat?" I asked, almost afraid to hear what he had to say next. Stormy eyes met mine. The slight crack in his voice nearly did me.

"Emm..It's potentially fatal."

"What?!" I almost yelled. Then I did what I knew best. Paced the floor, slammed my fist against the wall.

_Was this some kind of sick joke God was playing on Jas again? On us?! What the fuck!_

"Emmett calm down! I knew you wouldn't take it well." He hissed. The look of regret, or maybe it was sadness, I wasn't sure – but it was swirling in his eyes and I couldn't stand to look at them for long. It made me uneasy.

"Can..do you think you can keep this from the girls? I don't think dad wants them to know.. " he asked me, eyebrows furrowing tightly. I took a drag of cold air and expelled it slowly, forcing myself to calm down in the process. I nodded.

Among my brothers, I'd always been the more positive one. Chipper, happy go lucky. Once, not too long ago – someone even asked me if I even had an ounce of worry DNA inside me because I never seemed to be worried about anything. What they didn't know was that I was a fucking pro at keeping my worries locked inside my head, preferring to chip at them in the own privacy of my room, my time.

Sometimes though, even the pro faltered.

"Is…is he gonna die Edward??" The words barely came out as a whisper. I felt my heart clench forcefully inside me. I wasn't even thinking of asking that, but it came tumbling out anyhow. That was how worried and fearful I was. Eyes widened perceptibly – surprised to hear me ask such an ominous question, I guess. He paused, hesitated for a brief second before he answered.

"I'm not God you know.." He flashed me a crooked smile. I pffted at him, my eyes rolled on their own accord.

_Really Edward, this is not the time to be teasing me._

"I do know this though – I know Jas will fight all the way. He came back from the dead once already right? I don't think he's going to give up on us and life that easily – you heard how happy he was with his progress…"

He was spot on there and I felt the tight hold around my chest loosen just a tad bit.

"Plus..he is.. Superman.." he plied again, making both of us chuckle this time. I took comfort hearing his light jest at Jas's supposed superpower. If anything, it was a sign of his support and confidence in our brother. I had, needed to continue to believe that Jas was going to pull through just fine.

****************

It was tough though when we went to see Jas. The light in his room was dimmed and the blinds were kept closed. He was, as Dr. R put it blurring in between consciousness. Even prepared, my heart still constricted at the sight of seeing him lying helplessly on a hospital bed once more, tubes snaking in and out of his body, various machines beeping around him, keeping a continuous monitor of his vital signs. Truth be told, I had led myself to believe we were never going to see him like this again. So much for wishful thinking.

"Hey bro… it's Emmett and Edward.." I said softly, rubbing his shoulder affectionately. Eyes flickered open and I noticed it took him a while to focus on my face.

"Hey guys…" he said weakly. I damn nearly lost my composure.

_Oh Fuck. Hold it together stupid._

I started fumbling with the chair, needing to peel my attention away before I lost it totally and the waterworks started.

"How you feeling Jas?" Edward stepped in, saving me from making a complete fool of myself.

"Crap….but what's new hey?" he rasped again, letting out a little chuckle of his own. It must have aggravated his headache somehow because the groan that followed was riddled with discernible pain. My hand practically flew out, and I moved to rub his chest gently, wanting so badly to take the pain away from him.

***************

**Edward POV**

"We're just going to keep you company for a while…why don't you just try and get some rest…no need to tire yourself talking okay.." I plied after he groaned in pain. I was grateful for the low lighting in the room suddenly – I wasn't confident of keeping my face neutral right now. He didn't fight me on it, it was evident he was in too much pain to do anything but that. Glancing at Emmett, I thought I saw a tear trickle down his face. I didn't say anything.

"Eddie…"

He called out a while later. I looked up from where I was sitting and touched his shoulder lightly. Usually that name would rile me up in record time.

"You need anything Jas?"

"I forgot to thank you..for taking care of Alice..for keeping her company when she had the bad dream? She told me.." he mumbled, lidded eyes looking at me.

I smiled. It was only my pleasure. I enjoyed Alice's company too. The week had afforded me some time to bond with my new sister and get to know her better.

"It was my pleasure Jas. I had a good time getting to know my new sister better.." He smiled and dozed off again.

Emm and I spent the better part of the evening with him while mom, dad and the girls went home quickly to get cleaned up.

*********

The days that followed were arduously slow. Jas floated in and out of consciousness most of the time. He didn't seem to be getting worse, but he didn't seem to be getting any better either. The headaches weren't resolving. If he was being medicated for it, I wondered just how much pain he was really in if it hadn't been the case.

Mom was balling her eyes out every time she left his room. Alice was no better, even though she was trying her best to keep herself from breaking apart like mom.

***********

**Rosalie POV**

"Hey sweetie.." I leaned down to give him a light hug, my right hand squeezing his firmly. I took whatever comfort there was from his tiny squeeze in return. Five days had passed and he was barely speaking now, although he still responded to us with his eyes and touch. It pained me so much to see him in so much pain and unable to do anything about it. Emmett told me that they had changed his treatment a little. The drug they were using was apparently not doing a good enough job as they had hoped to halt the virus. As a result it was still wrecking havoc in his system. I was sure it had gotten worse, even though they said there hadn't been any change – bad or good. He was now on Ganci something and another antiviral drug called Foscarnet. Apparently the latter drug was better at penetrating the blood brain barrier – whatever that meant. I certainly hoped it would start working its magic soon. I didn't think I couldn't stand watching my brother suffer like this much longer.

Emmett and I had the afternoon watch today while the others took turns to rest and eat something.

"How's the headache today? Any better?" Emmett asked as he took the chair opposite me. He merely hummed. That meant it wasn't hurting him so much. That was good. Perhaps the treatment was finally making some headway. Either that, or they had just upped his painkillers to numb him.

"What would you like to do Jazz? Are you tired? Do you want to sleep .." I asked quietly. The last thing he needed was to try and entertain us and forgo his own need.

"talk..to…me.." he murmured softly, squeezing my hand a little again.

Even though he needed the rest, and he was dozing in and out throughout the day, he must be so tired of being in bed 24/7. I knew I would. I thought of what to say, then it occurred to me it wouldn't hurt to tell him a bit about his childhood that I was suddenly recalling back.

"I remembered something the other day. You had a white bear called Snow. It was my present to you when you turned one. Okay..it was me who named it. When you started talking, you couldn't quite pronounce it so you'd bark her name instead. You'd say Wow, Wow instead of Snow. For a while, dad was a bit confused and thought maybe you wanted a dog – until I told him you were calling for Snow. We used to drag her and Princess – that's my doll, everywhere."

Emmett looked at Jas and then at me – funnily.

"So that's why…" he uttered in quiet astonishment suddenly. I looked at him oddly.

"What are you talking about.." I asked, running my hand over Jazz's arm absently. I had learned quickly from Esme and Alice, that he was much comforted by the gesture. I'd lost many years, but I was glad I had the two of them to help me with special things like this. If I had asked Jazz, I doubted he would have told me.

"When Jazz first arrived, me and Edward actually gave him a bear as a homecoming gift.. only it was brown and his name was supposed to be GIJoe. And Jas insisted on calling it Snow. You remember that Jas? God..I was so pissed that you insisted on giving him a girly name..**now **I know…" he chuckled. Even though his eyes were closed, the tiny smile that appeared on his pale face told us he was listening.

Emmett and I carried on chatting in subdued voices, all the while keeping my touch on his hand present. I noticed that Emm's hand was also constantly touching his other hand or his arm or his leg.

About 45 minutes later, Emmett went out briefly to stretch his legs and use the men's room.

"Guess what…I found your pictures at mom and dad's. I really thought they'd destroyed all evidence of you from the albums…but then I thought – dad would never do that. Dad keeps everything – even newspaper cuttings of articles he likes – yeah, he's a bit of a freak like that. So I… yes your very dust and dirt allergic sister went up to the attic one afternoon and spent an entire day ransacking our old albums and boxes..and I found your pictures.. would you like to see?"

Blue eyes flickered opened and he flashed me a crooked smile, nodding lightly. I rushed to get my bag instantly and pulled the small box containing my little treasure. I showed him a baby picture of him in his christening dress.

"That was my christening dress by the way…mom and dad wanted you to be a girl I think…" I chuckled quietly, my heart lifting when he afforded me a smile. It was actually a hand me down from mom's side of the family – an heirloom of sort.

"It's probably moth ridden now – heirloom or not, now way in hell I'm going to make my baby wear that.. not that Emm and I are going to get married soon and start popping babies.." I giggled and his eyes danced at my comment.

"You..nevr..know.." he rasped.

"You think? Emmett's a bit of a commitment phobe yeah? I don't want to push him. Oh hell..maybe I'll pressure him on our first anniversary next year.."

"Here's a picture of you on your first birthday..look at your hair! Your were so adorable.."

I showed him a couple more.

It must have been on the fifth picture when I felt rather than noticed the shift in his posture or vibe, and he mumbled my name out.

"Rose.."

"Babe..I'm back.." Emmett called softly in the background. I ignored him.

"Sweetie?" I leaned over and looked into his face worriedly in time to catch the tiniest grimace and a groan _or was it a gurgle that followed?_

And then that very second all hell broke loose.

I screamed.

"Rosie get help!" Emmett spat out instructions instantly. I didn't even realized he had depressed the call button the moment Jazz's body went rigid. I didn't know how my mind managed to coherently follow his orders but I was glad I did. I ran out and pulled the nearest medical staff I could find. When I came back with help, Emmett was over my seizing brother, trying to keep him from hurting himself. I'd never seen Emmett looked so positively scared.

I couldn't bear to watch it. I just couldn't.

I did the best thing I could do – I ran to get more help. _Edward. Carlisle. _

*********************

**Edward POV**

"Rosie?"

My heart constricted when Bella alerted me of Rosie appearing from behind the ICU door, looking absolutely frazzled.

Of the string of sentence that came out of those frantic mouth of hers – one sprung me to action faster than a witch on a broomstick.

Seizing. He was having a seizure. _God. Shit. Fuck. Damnit. _ Expletives trailing my thoughts.

I flew past her, through the ICU door. I knew dad was running right behind me.

When we arrived at the door, Emmett was still holding his flopping body, but I could see the seizure was dissipating now. How long has it been? 90 seconds? 2 minutes? Dad told me to take Emmett away while he took over to help the doctor and the two nurses who were there helping Jas already. Emmett was white as sheet. I pulled him aside but he refused to walk out of the room. So we stayed there watching Jazz go through the last throes of his seizure. I didn't see the girls but I knew they must have been outside, huddling together, waiting for news. It must have been a full minute more before Jas's body finally stopped twitching and he all but slumped onto the bed. I'd seen people have seizures before but still watching your own brother having an episode was too surreal for words.

"Airway's clear….he's breathing…Gina, call Dr. Rodriguez, tell him what's happened."

We listened mutely as the young doctor who had helped Jas described the situation to Dad. It could be a reaction to the new drug. But most probably it could be a direct result of the intracranial pressure caused by the inflammation. They would need to perform an MRI and CT to see what could have caused the seizure.

"Is… is he okay dad?" Emmett asked timidly as we approached the bed, now that the doctor had finally left. We were one too many people in the ICU and would need to leave soon. The moment the doctor left, dad had climbed over onto the bed, he was partly lying on his hip, his weight divided between that and his elbow that was resting above Jas's head, his hand making a protective shield over him. His other hand was running the gentlest of strokes on Jas's falling and rising chest. I watched with odd fascination for a second at how gentle he was with Jas. When he looked up to answer Emmett's question, I saw tears streaming down his face. This was his child. I couldn't even begin to compare our pain to those of his and mom's.

"He's just tired now… but he's fine..he's fine….Jas is going to be just fine." He mustered a pained response.

Turning to me he said, "will you call your mom in and maybe Alice for a bit? I want her to see that he's alright." I nodded my head silently and walked towards the door to call them.

"Emmett...thank you for being there for your brother…you did good." I heard him tell Emmett softly.

"Mom..Alice..dad wants you to come in.." I called them softly.

"He's fine now…he's ..just…tired out.." I whispered softly, squeezing their hands quickly before stepping out of the way.

I felt Emmett's bulky frame pass by me swiftly. He threw a hand up and shook his head at the floor when Rosie tried to accost him.

"Rosie...I'll get him.. he's probably just freaked out.. Bells's stay with Rosie okay? Go get something sweet to drink will you? And get something for Emmett?" I instructed. Bella nodded her head and pulled Rosie to hug her. I ran after my other brother who had now disappeared to God knows where.

By some lucky guess, I found him in my temporary haven – the men's bathroom. He was pacing the floor like the Emmett he was, only this time he was hyperventilating and looking every bit like a vampire had drained his blood. I had to stop him to sit for a bit before he collapsed on the floor.

"Breathe man..breathe..I can't carry you if you faint over this bathroom floor.." I warned.

He took several deep breaths and forced them out of his mouth loudly.

"FU…uucck!!"

I flinched at his sudden display of rage. I only knew too well, his emotion was bubbling over and getting the best of him. It was why he ran in the first place. Had I been in his position, I might have had a similar reaction – differently but similar.

He was crouched over the floor, resting on the balls of his feet; knees bent and opened wide, long limbs resting over them. The limbs then bent mechanically and cradled his head. When he looked back up moments later, brown eyes looked at me despairingly and I was reminded of dad's face in Jas's room again.

"When is he going to get better? How long is he going to have suffer like this Eddie?" he whispered, breath hitching at every other word. His face broke just as a guttural cry escaped his lips. I pulled him into a hug fiercely. I wish I could say something comforting to him, but I had no idea how things were going to turn for Jas. I had no fucking idea. And I was just as mad as he was. Just as desperate as everyone was.

***************

As if we needed more bad news.

Following his seizure, Dr. R ordered another CT scan for Jas. It seemed that the inflammation had spread now. Now it didn't just affect his meninges, it was affecting his brain. If they had administered the foscarnet earlier, because the drug had better penetration rate into the CNS, if Jasper hadn't been on ganciclovir and possibly developed some form of resistance, if.. if ..if.. If was fucking not good enough an excuse anymore.

The good news was they caught it early. I nearly laughed at Dr. R when he said it. Early? What the fuck? My brother just had a seizure and possibly future neurological damage. Early?

"Edward."

"No dad.. I don't want to listen to this shit okay.. I don't need to listen to all the possibilities and what ifs.. I just want him back to where he was. Just that. Just tell them to do whatever is necessary so we can get Jas back to where he was okay?"

I knew my dad wanted my opinion on these matters. Besides him, I was the only one with some form of medical knowhow in the family. Granted I wasn't a doctor yet, but I knew this shit. Knowing didn't necessarily made it easier. Right now, knowing certain stuff that the others didn't made it a hell hole for me. How many times in the last 6 days had I woken up to a nightmare because my brain decided to play games with me. Every fucking night. Knowledge is power – but a little knowledge is just the fuel my demons needed to fuck with my subconscious. And fuck it did.

Before his transplant, I had my doubts and fears about him doing the BMT. After all, he had gone under remission – even if it was only after two rounds of induction; and subsequently gone through 3 rounds of consolidation to keep it in check. Some people have even gone from induction straight to transplant. Many times I wondered what made dad decide for Jas to go through so much chemo. Poor choice? Or best choice? My only deduction was that he wanted to maximize the potential of killing the leukemia. And of course, Jas only wanted that. He wanted it so much he was willing to kill himself in the process. That was how blindly fierce Jas could be sometimes. _One of the reasons why I loved and admired him so much in the first place. His grim determination._ _I would never say this to him, but sometimes I really did think he was Superman. Even if he was only 2 inches taller and not that much heavier than I was. When he made up his mind, he went for it – come what may. _And then after the BMT, seeing Jas's stellar progress – I thought, yea, maybe I was wrong and my fear was misplaced. A little knowledge, and by this I meant my textbook knowledge and countless readings on BMT and their effects and complications was after all dangerous. To use Emmett's financial sense – my cost benefit analysis of BMT for Jasper; the monetary value being Jasper's quality of life; had been leaning slightly into the negative until I saw just how good a progress he was making.

Now, now I just didn't fucking know anymore if it was a good decision. If he hadn't gone through with the BMT, he probably wouldn't be fighting for his life now with this stupid viral infection that healthy people like Emmet and I didn't even give a second's thought to. Fuck he probably would be disease free anyway – having gone through as much chemo as he had.

"Eddie..don't.."

My thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice coming from the bed where my current subject matter was now resting. I pulled the chair closer to him and allowed my face to hover over his pale face. In the last 6 days, I'd come to value the full meaning of what a touch meant. Sometimes when he didn't have the energy to speak, or he was unable to stay focused for too long, his touch was the only thing that told us – he was still with us, still listening, still present. My fingers moved of its own volition to rub the skin on his arm and back of hand as I spoke to him.

"What Jas? What are you saying?"

"Don't..I…know..what you..think…ing." He smiled. I frowned. What did he mean he knew what I was thinking? I was about to prod him further when blue eyes met me and he flashed that crooked smile we shared. Like I was caught doing something foolish.

"Don't..blame..dad. My… decision...I don't… regret it."

Even stuttering, his words hit me like a cinderblock. I felt a massive whoosh of air or force being pushed from somewhere in my chest upwards. Before I knew it I was nothing but a mess of tears – bawling my eyes out on his chest and he was quietly smoothing his hand over my back – just like he or Emmett used to do when we were small and I'd hurt myself.

"Everything..will..be fine..you'll see…"

_I hope so Jas. I hope so. _

"You okay man?"

I felt Emmett's hand touch the back my neck. I heard his concerned voice filter into my sob filled mind. Lost in my own furious thoughts, I'd forgotten that he was on watch with me this evening. I nodded my head in Jas's chest unwilling to remove my face away, a little embarrassed that I'd burst into tears in front of both of them.

22 year old Edward. Yea – real macho move.

"You okay Jas?" He asked Jas next. The same twinge of concern laced in that as well. I heard Jas's hmmm..hmmm reverberate under my ear.

Silence pervaded our awkward space – there I was with my face still on Jasper's chest and Emmett was blocking my retraction because he was still standing behind my chair, effectively blocking me. I didn't expect the next sentence to come out of his mouth and it sent us both flying – figuratively, I guess.

"Can I join in the man hug?" He said, rather seriously.

Trust Emmett to diffuse any awkward situation.

I felt Jas's gurgled, albeit pain laced laugh on my face even as I broke into one myself. It was all Emmett could do to envelope the two of us with his big and bulky frame.

***************

**JPOV**

I had a seizure yesterday.

And apparently it's no longer just meningitis, its encephalitis now. Gee – big scary words.

_Why am I not surprised anymore?_

_Is that all you got?_

While I could clearly see that everyone around me were fucking worried, I sort of felt a little disconnected from all of this. Even if it was my body, my brain that was technically under attack. Could it be that my brain had suffered damage already and I just didn't know it yet?

And then it dawned on me two days later what this feeling could be.

Two days later, Dr. R told me the good news. There was significant reduction of the virus in my cerebrospinal fluid finally. I was improving. My headache was definitely feeling less of a killer than previously so I could vouch for that. The mood amongst my family lifted perceptibly.

But back to my feeling of disconnect. I was watching Alice then, my little piece of Spanish warmth go about whatever it was she was doing in our little room, and then quite suddenly I was overcome by this feeling of sadness for her. I didn't know from where it came from, it was just there. That and this persistent feeling of disconnect. I was quietly perplexed by it.

And then the question hit me.

Was this what dying people went through when they're about to die? They detach?

If so, was I going to die then? Regardless of my recent improvements?

"Jasper? Angel? Are you in pain? Why are you crying?"

_Oh my poor sunshine. My poor family._

_Oh God I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry._

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A/N: Hey guys. I hope the warning was adequate.

Alright alright ... please hit me with your thoughts, speculations, tears, anger, hope? dot dot dot....I really would like to hear what you guys think. The longer the better...gimme a reason!


	50. Sand

Disclaimer: Original characters are SM's.

A/N: This shoutout goes to IrinaJ who has registered to be a donor. Way to go girl, you rock! The rest of you, you never know whose life you might just end up saving…. I'm sorry if this format sucks, something is wrong with the document manager on FF - I can't edit my stuff….

Summary: Alice's heart breaks.

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**Filler 15: Sand**

**Alice POV**

3 days ago Jazz had a seizure. He'd never had one before until that day.

Who would have thought that the seizure would signal the spiraling of events in the next few days?

When Rosie's panicked face appeared from behind the ICU door that afternoon, frantic words spilling out of her lips – telling us that Jasper was seizing; Edward and his dad had bolted off immediately; gentleman manners left at the door – not even bothering to wait up on us ladies. I didn't know how I even managed to get to Jasper's room – as far as I remembered, I had stopped breathing the moment Rosie's face appeared in our line of sight, and I couldn't feel my legs underneath me. Waiting outside by his room had been like that dreadful time 4 months ago and it felt like forever before a frazzled looking Edward appeared again and called for Esme and me to go in.

I'd been lucky not to have witnessed his seizure. I didn't think I would have been able to handle having the image flashing in my head for days on end. When I saw him; he looked peaceful, asleep – bearing nothing, aside from a thin sheen of sweat on his face and perhaps slightly elevated breathing; to indicate that he'd just been through one hell of a trauma. But one look at Carlisle – the way he was ministering over Jazz so carefully, so gently; as though Jazz was a precious and fragile Faberge egg; you just knew something horrible, something bad had just occurred. The pain etched in his eyes, pressed tightly between those lips – they burned my memory that afternoon. Carlisle had always seemed to me as a strong, carefully constructed and elegant man and to see his emotion painted raw on his face, in his gesture as he laid next to Jazz that afternoon – the pain in my heart for him and for Esme just bloomed 10 times more. I realized yet again, that whatever pain I felt in my heart for Jazz; it could never compare to the immeasurable ache his parents must be carrying. He was their child and it was every parent's nightmare to watch their children fall prey to a life threatening disease.

The next day, another scan confirmed a worse prognosis for my angel – the inflammation had spread to his brain now. It was likely the underlying or one of the underlying causes to the seizure. When asked if the seizure was a temporary reaction or if it was going to be something Jazz would have to live with, in the future, Dr. R's words weren't exactly comforting. With the brain being so complex, he couldn't say. Only time would tell. At least he was being honest about it. With all that's happened, I couldn't help but get a little annoyed by the feeling that in the whole scheme of things – sometimes it seemed to me that my baby, Jazz was nothing more than a glorified lab rat. While I wouldn't dare blame the doctors for their decisions – I knew that whatever course of treatment they prescribed to their patients – it was done with meticulous care and consideration; with the patient's health and best outcome in mind;

But…………..

I just, I couldn't understand why if they knew that the antiviral drug they had put Jazz on wasn't doing a very good job at penetrating through his CSF or CNS; why couldn't they have put him on the other drug sooner? I couldn't help but wonder if they had started the other one just maybe a day sooner – perhaps he wouldn't have had the seizure. Maybe the inflammation could have been put under control instead of it now spreading. I loathed just thinking what other repercussions Jazz was now going to have to face because of this delay.

I feared for it.

And yet, I didn't quite expect for things to happen so quickly. It was as if, the universe was in a hurry to take him away from me. From us.

That cold dread, that fear manifested today.

_The seizure was the warning. _

Edward and I had been manning the station this morning. Ever since his seizure, Jazz had been sleeping just a little bit more than was usual. Again, the doctor told us – it was to be expected with his condition. I'd thought nothing of it when he started mumbling in his sleep. I thought he'd been dreaming again as he sometimes did. It was only when Edward became a little concerned with his train of thought that it entered my mind something wasn't right with him.

"Told you Eddie.. gonna get better.."

"Jas..what are you talking about.."

"Didn't…you hear what Dr R just..said?" He smiled at us but it was loopy, almost lazy. I was almost tempted to tell him there was no one else but the three of us in the room, but then Edward's hand stopped me. I noticed it was shaking.

"_Alice, Get dad."_ He mouthed to me silently. Just before I left, I saw his face smoothed into a mask – and he tagged along with Jazz's delusional talk. I knew then that things had deteriorated and were deteriorating still.

I pray I would never get the unfortunate chance to watch a loved one die, but today, as we kept vigil with him – today, it almost felt like he was…..

_Sand._

_Sand slipping through the cracks between my fingers. I couldn't hold on to him. Much as I tried to. He kept slipping away._

Did he know he was deteriorating?

He cried this afternoon. It made me think that perhaps he had a feeling of what was happening to him. It only made the ache in my heart bleed even more.

We could not stop the inevitable.

_The seizure was the warning._

My light, my sun, my angel – slipped into semi coma this evening. And once again, machines were hooked onto him to help him breathe, filter his blood. Keep him alive.

Carlisle said he was still partly aware. He could still respond to stimuli. He could still hear us.

"Will he come out of it? When?"

Bleak, anguished eyes answered me. I couldn't bear to see them.

I just wanted my Jazz back.

All of him. Hale. Complete.

_But all I had was sand. Slipping through my fingers._

_

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_

A/N: I know..it is rather short.. (don't shoot me!) I couldn't wallow too much in Alice's pain.

Lovelies.. review please. I need them!


	51. Rain

Disclaimer: Characters are originally SM's.

A/N: Thank you yet again to everyone who has read and reviewed. You know I appreciate your input, every time. As this is a tripod story, I thought it only fair to know what went on in the boys's mind after the latest drama. But this includes Carlisle too.

Kleenex warning?

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**Filler 16: Rain**

Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.

~Charles Dickens, _Great Expectations_, 1860~

**Edward POV**

"_Everything's going to be fine…you'll see.."_

"You lied Jas. You lied.."

I slammed my head back against the tiled wall wretchedly. My eyes hurt, my head hurt. My chest… _hurt._ Today had been a day of torture – the slowest kind. I'd just spent the better part of the day watching my brother slip into coma – again. You would've thought, after the last one, I'd handle this better. But here I was having another meltdown. Hospitals should really make provisions for private rooms that visitors could make use of when they needed someplace to hide. So people like me didn't have to take the men's room hostage every time. I knew I should really man up and be there for mom, for Bella, Rosie and ..and Alice. They would need comforting right now. But how could I give comfort when I had none to give? Right now, all I felt…

_I don't want to feel…._

We used to play cowboy and Indians and similar imaginary games when we were small. Most of the times, Jas had to play the girl character that needed saving because according to Emmett he was the closest a Cullen boy could get to being a girl – what with his beautiful curly locks and long lashes. Although to be fair, Jas had always been small and kind of cute as a kid. God only knew what mom put in his food to make him shoot up the way he did when he was a teen. I was always the cop or the sheriff, and Emmett, he always had the cream of roles – he was always, always the bad guy. The one with all the action. As we grew up, wild wild west, cop and robbers got replaced by more vivid roleplay and imaginary games – we played dungeons and dragons for years – before Playstation, and Xbox; D&D had been our rainy day favorite. Back in those days, our imagination was our sketchboard. We'd painted hundreds of landscapes, created tons of characters – and all came alive in our heads. Sometimes, usually when it rained, I'd long for those simple days again when our imagination ruled and became our reality.

But this, this was not what I had in mind.

Today's had to be the worst imaginary play I had ever played with Jas. I wish I hadn't been there. Why did I have to be so fucking astute all the time?

It had been Alice, myself and him in the room this morning. Until Dr R came. Only – he wasn't really there. And neither were the rest of our family. He looked so fucking happy to "hear" Dr. R telling everyone that his condition was improving. Even had that crooked smug smile on his face – like he just won the fucking lottery or something. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was just his imagination playing tricks on him. How could I? For those 3 long minutes, I wanted nothing more than to creep into a hole and hide from the simple truth – my brother was going loopy right in front of me. The worse thing was, I noticed he wasn't even really looking into my face when he spoke to me – his eyes seemed so distant, so far away. There was an article that I'd read somewhere recently about dying people. It said that when people started dying – you could tell it in their eyes; the way they stopped looking **at** you, and started looking **through** you. I hadn't been too sure what that meant at the time, but understanding dawned quickly when I saw it in Jas's eyes today. Right then, I wanted so much to just shake him from his stupor and bring him back to the room, to me, to Alice – _stay with us, don't go there, don't leave! _But what did I know of mental decline or for that matter dying? Only that there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. As the day progressed, I knew he was fighting to stay lucid – if the moments of clarity in between the confusion were of any indication. He tried so hard to stay with us. I knew he did. But when your brain wasn't playing for the team anymore, how could you? How could he? All we could do was watch. So we watched. And watched. And watched. Until he finally stopped fighting the inevitable. For the briefest of moments, I felt a little relieved when the garbled mumbling eventually stopped and he finally let go – he looked so peaceful, so restful. Until – I realized he might never wake up from this. What if there was no second chance and he was never going to wake up?

And then all I could feel was this huge void in my chest – this consuming, overwhelming void – sucking all of me in.

We weren't just a fucking tripod you see – we were 3 pieces of a complete entity. If he left, he'd be taking 1/3 of me away. Could I live knowing that part of me was dead?

_I couldn't. I just couldn't._

"Edward?"

_Please. Go. Away. _

"Not now Emm. Please."

"You shouldn't be here by yourself.." came his hushed reply. I felt movement beside me and noticed that he had slipped down to take the space next to me.

"I just need…some downtime okay..it's been a long day." I plied tiredly, hoping he'd get the point and not force me to talk about my feelings regarding today's event. No sooner had the thought crossed my mind, than the heavy tugging in my heart appeared again, stronger this time – and it suddenly felt too hard to even breathe. I pulled my knees up and braced my chest down against them; hoping to God the pressure would diminish the pain inside somehow.

_I don't want to feel._

I would have given anything right now…. _anything_…..to **just not** feel. Not the overwhelming void trying to consume me, not the tugging, dragging heaviness behind my ribcage that made each breath a fucking struggle. Not the utter, black grief eating my insides away like the fucking cancer that started this all.

_Fuck. Can I just NOT feel!?_

I hadn't realized that Emmet had sidled closer to me until I was pulled into a one arm embrace. It was that simple gesture that spelled my undoing, the emotion I'd been keeping tightly wound inside me unraveling at lightning speed. Against my better judgment, I turned to look into his face – sure enough the pain I was feeling was etched in his eyes.

"He..said.." I tried to speak, but felt my jaw clamp shut instead.

_**Pain. **_

_**So much Pain. **_

"_Everything's going to be fine…you'll see.."_

A sob escaped my lips somehow. Traitor.

_He lied. He promised he would be okay. _I looked at Emmett despairingly.

"I know Eddie.. I know.." he croaked softly. The wetness behind them too palpable, too raw – they tugged at the last string that was barely keeping my maimed heart together. I was undone.

I was never one to beg. But right now…

"Take it away Emm. I don't… want… to feel this…" _pain._

_I don't want to feel._

The rain came anyhow. And there was no sheltering from it.

******************

**Emmett POV**

I knew what he was trying to say. I was there when Jas said to him that everything was going to be okay. And it wasn't. It fucking wasn't.

"I know Eddie…I know," _Shit. I don't even have words to comfort you right now._

Raw grief overcame him and I did the only thing I could think of – pulled him into my chest tighter and tried to be strong while he shook in my embrace. The tightly restrained sobs coming from him felt like blades slicing down at my own heavy heart.

8 days ago when dad called and told me that he was running a fever, I hadn't been too worried. He'd been doing so well since his release that I simply assumed it was one of those quick run temperatures again. It was only when dad called in the afternoon to tell us he was being rushed into the ICU that we started scrambling for a flight out. A week, two weeks ago, we were still celebrating his excellent progress. How a prognosis could go from okay to bad to worse in a matter of days escaped me.

I didn't hear the specifics but Dr. R mentioned something about getting neurological consultation for Jas – that alone had scared me shitless. How bad had it really gone that they needed specialist consultation now? I knew that the swelling hadn't resolved despite the efforts they'd taken. Fuck, Jas had to have suffered a shitload of pain since it started. The fact that they were now using ventilation didn't bode well for his prognosis either – I knew that. And then there was something about infection or infarction? When I asked Eddie about it, all I got was this look of despair from him. He wouldn't say. For once in my life, I kept my mouth shut and didn't press him. If it was that bad, I didn't want to know.

But I wished it had been me this morning to have noticed Jasper's decline, instead of Edward here. Strange how he always seemed to be the one to notice these things happening to Jas. I could only imagine how horrible he must have felt having to play along Jas's hallucination and knowing what it meant. No wonder he was so overwrought.

Dad said that Jas could still hear us and still respond to some sort of stimuli. That he wasn't totally cut off from us. I supposed there was some solace to be had from that. None of us wanted to leave this evening, even though dad tried to make us go back to the apartment. I guess everyone just wanted to stay close. Maybe we were scared that if we left, he might decline further. Maybe, staying close to him was our only consolation now.

I pulled Edward closer to me, embracing the arrival of the rain over my own beaten soul. I would find no shelter from it this evening.

I feared.

I feared we might never be healed from this.

**************************

**Carlisle POV**

How did it get to this?

How is it that the rug always seemed to be pulled from under our feet so suddenly and unexpectedly?

Did I make the wrong decision for Jasper when I told him he should do the transplant?

Maybe I should have really listened to Edward and just hoped that the chemo would have sufficed. Somehow all this suffering just didn't seem worthwhile anymore. Even if he did survive this – what kind of damage would he have to live with then? What if the damage was too extensive – what of his wish? I..I couldn't do that. I couldn't. I couldn't possibly pull the plug on my son's life.

_Oh God. Please spare him. Please.. spare him and keep him safe!_

I couldn't even bear to look at my wife right now. That sorrow, that anguish written on her face would flay me alive. Not that I didn't deserve every ounce of pain she was carrying. I deserved every drop of blood bleeding out of her heart. I caused it.

He looked so peaceful, asleep like this. As if the damn disease hadn't touched him at all. But of course I knew better. Even in this state, I knew he was still suffering. Still in pain. Still battling to fight the swelling, the inflammation, the virus. Still fighting for his life.

How I wish I could take his place.

I ran my hand down his arm lightly.

"_You think it's him again?" Esme questioned me when we heard the light shuffling outside our door for the third night in a week. I checked the clock on my beside table, it was 1:00 am. _

_"__I'll check.."_

_I shuffled to the door quietly. _

_Even in the dark, I could see bright glistening blue eyes looking at me expectantly._

"_Sorry… can't sleep.." came the tiny voice that matched the blonde mop of curls; the little boy was standing unashamedly in front of me – his height barely reaching my hip. Petite hand latched onto my proffered one instantly, the brown bear that Emmett and Edward gifted him dragging on the floor behind his tiny feet as he pattered to the bed with me, Esme already waiting with open arms._

_He settled in between us, curling towards Esme comfortably, teddy bear sandwich between them. She grinned in the dark at me. She obviously loved the fact that our new son had grown attached to her so quickly. _

_I was settling myself back to sleep when I heard the tiny voice ring softly in the darkened silence for the second time that morning. _

"_You too daddy." _

_I was nonplussed for a second at his request until I felt his tiny hand pull mine and placed it on his upper arm where Esme was already ghosting gentle calming strokes along the scrawny limb.  
_

"_Yes daddy..you too," Esme mimicked softly. _

Even as a child he had always been unique – the first few months when he had come to stay with us, he was sometimes wrought with dreams that required some late night pacifying from either of us. It was during those nights that we discovered he rather enjoyed being comforted like this when he was trying to sleep. And every time he'd been sick, no matter the age – he always sought comfort from the motion, more so from his mom. At a certain age when most boys would shudder away from displays of affection like this from their moms, he'd always been comfortable with it, comfortable with his emotions and displaying his feelings. Each of the boys had their own special qualities that found their way into my heart. This was Jasper's.

My hand stopped abruptly.

Right now, I didn't deserve to derive any comfort from this motion he so enjoyed. Not me. I put him into this place, this state he was in now. This – this was my fault. My. Fault.

"I'm so sorry son…I'm so sorry…"

"Carlisle.."

I shifted my gaze to look at her. Even now she was so forgiving. I didn't deserve that either. I was the reason why her child was now in coma.

"This is my fault Esme… I shouldn't have convinced him to do this.."

She looked at me – aghast. The accusation in her eyes now was exactly the punishment I deserved. I sat rooted in my spot when she made to move away. I supposed it was only normal that she would be disgusted with me right now. I turned my gaze to the ceiling, willing the tears to stay where they were. I didn't even deserve to get any release from crying.

I was stunned.

I hadn't expected her to move behind me, much less for her hand to cover mine. Had she not been disgusted by me moments ago? I was motionless as I watched her guide my hand to Jasper's arm again, stroking the slightly flustered skin ever so gently. Familiar, gentle, calming, loving strokes meant to comfort.

"Do you remember that night? When his tiny hand adamantly pulled your hand to him? I know he'd appreciate it knowing his dad was comforting him like this… he would Carlisle.." she whispered softly into my ear.

My shoulders started shaking before I could even register it.

… _tiny hand pulled mine and placed it on his upper arm __where Esme was already ghosting gentle calming strokes along the scrawny limb._

"_You too daddy.."_

My heart eyes bled. But I feared no amount of rain could expunge the sin I had committed.

I did this to my child.

* * *

A/N: Which of the Cullen boys hit you with most tears???

Hit me with your thoughts and feelings. The next chapter will see more development of the 'climax'. Let me know if you need a teaser.


	52. Blue Eyed Boy

Disclaimer: Character are originally SM's ( But the tripod is mine.. and so is guilt complex Carlisle.)

A/N: Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed ( and for also putting Tripod on your fav list. The tripod is honored!). Another short chappy. I think the chappies from here on will be short - more impact I think.

Summary: Carlisle's blue eyed boy - literally speaking.

**Kleenex!!!**

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**Chapter 36: Blue Eyed Boy**

_Day 11 – __Nov 30_

**_Carlisle POV_**

6 days after they'd changed his antiviral therapy, we finally received some good news. Stephen made an early housecall at Jasper's room this morning to let me know of the improvement at last.

"I just got the latest lumbar puncture results for Jasper and I wanted to let you know as soon as I'd read it. We're seeing some significant decrease in viral DNA in his spinal fluid. He's improving." He spoke with encouragingly.

Without meaning to, a shudder of relief coursed through me. For the first time in days, I felt a tiny smile of hope curling on my lips.

"There's no reason why the swelling won't reduce now.. and if all goes well, we might be able to take him off the ventilation soon,"

My mind recalled Alice's questions the evening Jasper had slipped into his coma.

_Would he wake up? When? _I didn't have an answer for her then and the broken look on her face that evening had almost shattered me. Perhaps with this news….

_Perhaps Jasper would return to us sooner than I thought._

"You think he'll wake up…when the swelling's down?" I asked, a little too hopefully. The doctor in me probably knew the answer to that already, but the dad in me was defiantly and desperately hoping for a miracle to happen. In the last few months, who was I kidding, ever since Jasper came home with his diagnosis of cancer that shattered Esme and my world that fateful evening in March, I'd been warring inside of myself – lost in a constant battle between the impartial doctor and the overprotective dad to my blond hair blue eyed boy. Right now, the impartial doctor was probably laughing at hopeful dad. Months ago, I would have probably given him due consideration, but after the events of the last few days, I couldn't quite give a shit to what the 'clever, smooth talking' doctor in me was saying anymore. He was responsible for my son's coma.

_I am going mental…talking__ to myself now?!_

I returned my attention to Stephen again and was dismayed to catch the contrite look plastered on his face.

"Carlisle.. the last thing I want to do is give you and your family false hope.. He will wake up, I'm sure of it, but I doubt it will happen any time soon.. his body, his brain has gone through a significant trauma.. "

The little bubble of happiness inside me died a premature death even as he said those painful but true words to me. _Of course. What had I been thinking?_

"Of course you're right.. thank..thank you for your honesty. What was I thinking huh?" I replied him. Much as I tried to, I couldn't hide the disappointment in my voice. He looked apologetic for a moment before backtracking a little and telling me I wasn't wrong to hope.

My mind flitted back to the day when Edward had lost his temper in front of us. I realized I had never quite apologized to Stephen for that and sought to make amends immediately. Edward's anger had really taken me by surprise that day. He was usually a very restrained man, unlike Jasper or Emmett for that matter; preferring to keep his emotions inside him and stew in hiding. It only served to emphasize how affected everyone was by this setback in Jasper's health, especially since he'd been doing so well in the last 2 months. At the same, I suppose there was relief to be had from Edward's reaction – it was healthier for him to have expressed it than to keep it inside. I felt bad, since Jasper fell ill, my attention had been mostly if not all, directed, and focused on him. They were both adults, but they were still our kids and I knew they were just as affected with all of this as Jasper was, as Esme and I were. I wondered if they felt neglected somehow by us. After Jasper's decline, he'd been the only person in my mind. If I knew my youngest son at all, he was probably neck deep in sorrow, I only hope the two of them had been there to support each other when we couldn't.

"Don't worry about that Carlisle.. no offense taken.. truth is, I can't help but feel responsible too. If we did initiate the Foscarnet sooner.."

I forced myself to not cringe. It was a little too late to be regretting about that. With a wave of my hand, I dismissed him.

"Water under the bridge….. I know you're doing your best to help Jasper. Regardless of what's been said – and please, they were said in anger and frustration, not with malicious intent; we're grateful for all your help Stephen. I know Jasper is."

In all honesty, Edward's anger that day hadn't been all directed to Jasper's doctor. I knew he was angry at me as well. Mostly for my decision regarding the transplant. He'd broached the subject with me in the past, and had his concerns. I convinced Jasper anyway. I had been so confident that it was the best option, and now I couldn't help but feel I should have maybe weighed in Edward's concerns a little more. He'd always been so perceptive. If I had..

I shrugged the train of thought away. _What's done is done_. No amount of thinking could reverse the consequences of my actions. Jasper was in coma because of my advice. The best I could do now was make sure he was going to recover from this as soon as possible and unscathed. God I prayed he would come out of this unscathed. I didn't know what I'd do if he didn't.

"How long is he going to have to continue with the medication?" I asked now, referring to the antiviral therapy he was still taking. I'd been told both drugs had serious drawbacks. The one called Ganciclovir was toxic to his bone marrow functions and was known to suppress the immune system and interfere with platelet production. The other – Foscarnet, was highly nephrotoxic.

"15 days every 12 and 8 hours, and then daily for 2 weeks. If the infection persists, we might have to consider long term therapy until his immune system can keep it in check." He supplied, switching back effortlessly into doctor role.

_That long? And just how detrimental was that going to be? _Concern for Jasper's wellbeing resulting from the effects of these drugs flickered like a neon sign in my head.

"That long? What about the effects of these drugs on him? Should I be worried about Jasper getting secondary infections, or bleeding or kidney complications while he's on this?" I questioned, my voice tinged with discernible alarm. Jasper had had enough complications to deal with. The thought of new problems arising from the treatment he was getting was enough to send the panic in me spiralling to new proportions.

"I know your concerns, and they're very valid. Unfortunately that's how most drugs work, they treat one issue, and create a plethora of other issues. To make things harder, every single patient is different. Sometimes.." he sighed,

"…..it's a lot of calculated guesswork, figuring what course of treatment will work best for each patient – I'm sure you're well aware if this doctor dilemma we all face. That said though, with regards to Jasper, I want to assure you that we are cutting no corners about ensuring Jasper's smoothest recovery from this."

I wished I could tell him I was placated by his words. Unfortunately, this was one of those situations where all we could do was put faith in the expertise of the medical staff handling Jasper's case. It wasn't a comforting thought, even if I did have a lot of faith on Stephen and the medical staff of this center. Maybe I was just being paranoid, but when it came to things going awry, Jasper had an unfortunate knack for attracting just that.

************

**_JPOV_**

I found out days ago that I was in what doctors termed a state of semi coma. Not quite a deep sleep but not awake either.

One word – **frustrating.**

The first time I came to, mom and dad had been with me in the room, it must have been morning because I saw light – somehow I saw light. Anyway, she was doing that thing on my arm that I really liked when I was sick or just needed general comforting, and I tried talking to her, but she didn't seemed to hear me. I tried again and after a while started getting just a little frantic.

Suffice to say I had a colossal freak out fest with myself. Had Emmett or Edward seen been with me, I'd never hear the end of it.

It was maybe a few hours later, or maybe it had been a day after – that I heard dad tell somebody about my condition, and multiple calming breaths exercises dotted with generous amount of expletives later, I somehow managed to come to terms with it. Really, I had to come to terms with it, seeing that I really had no choice. I was trapped in an unresponsive body.

Actually two words – **Fucking Frustrating.**

I supposed I should be consoled by the fact that if I concentrated really, really hard – I could still squeeze a finger or two, or jerk my leg, and even blink my eyes open for a few minutes. In the short time that I had been in this state, I realized how precious those little movements had become to each member of my family and to myself. Doing it was a whole different ballgame though. It sapped such a huge chunk of my energy that I could easily lose a few waking hours afterwards. It shouldn't really matter to me if I lost a few hours for a few seconds of 'movement' – just to let my family know that I was still alive, stuck as I may be in a stupid body that didn't quite work anymore. I mean, honestly where could I go, right? But when those few hours meant missing Alice – it mattered. Big time.

********************

"Hey baby?"

_Alice?_

I was greeted by the sight of the most beautiful person in the world. Even with those heavy bags underneath her eyes.

_Hey sunshine. _

"Did you sleep well? I miss you." The tremble in her voice so palpable.

_Did you sunshine? You look like a zombie. I miss you. I love__ you._

If I could bite my lips every time I saw the trembling on her pink ones, I would. I'd probably bleed to death right now.

_Don't cry. Please..Alice..please sunshine… don't cry.._

Without fail, I'd see the drops come. And if I didn't see them, I'd feel them.

In the last few days, I'd grown familiar of the characteristic dampness on my cheek or chest every time it was her turn to keep me company. It seemed that all I could elicit from her these days were her tears. My heart bled just about every time those precious tears leaked from her beautiful gray eyes.

She'd talk to me like she always did, her trademark daily reporting in that beautiful tinkly voice of hers. I always did enjoy our conversations. She knew how much her voice comforted me. But I could tell from the way her eyes glistened or how her lips trembled on my "cues" or just listening to how her voice would break every now and then, she was putting a strong front for my sake. God, I wish I could just take that pain away from her. I really didn't deserve her.

"I know what you're probably thinking Jazz.. but I'm not giving up on you, you hear? Now give me a sign please? Let me know you're here..."

Even in my state, even in her state, even through tears, she was still relentless in her loving. It reminded me of our first fight after our first kiss right here on the 6th floor of this building, and how she had given Emmett her 'mama kitten' protective scowl when he interrupted our conversation. Call me silly, but it felt nice to have a woman act like that around me, for me.

I'd move mountains for her if I could. For now though…..

_Fingers – move. Please…move._

God that was tiring. It really did feel as though I had really moved a mountain when all I really did was tweak the fingers of my hand that was squeezed in her tiny palm. I swear, when I recovered from this, I would never ever take for granted my mobility again. Ever.

The pained smile on her face was a balm to my sore heart.

************

"Hey son, how you doing today?"

_Dad?_

I felt a smile curl on my lips at the familiar feeling on my arm. Mom must have reminded him of that touch again because he hadn't done that to me for a long time.

"Dr R had some good news today. You're finally responding to the antiviral therapy. Hopefully the viremia will resolve quickly and the swelling will go down."

_Really? Well fuck. I guess we're getting some headway hey?_

_Speaking of which…why is my head still hurting?_

If I thought being in a semi coma rendered me numb, well, I was misinformed. I couldn't quite remember how it was the last time, but the first time I woke up in this state, I almost believed I had died and was in purgatory going through pain of torture for all my sins. I supposed if it hadn't been for this terrible pain in my head, I would have rather enjoyed the out of body feeling this state rendered me.

As it were, the rubber band tied around my skull was doing a very good job trying to squeeze my brain matter out. And painfully so too. I had been wondering how long I was going to have to deal with this swelling and this infection and this pain. I guess the virus was a tough nut to crack this time. Hopefully with the swelling resolving, I'd wake up soon. I was getting tired of this one sided conversations anyhow.

"He said that it might take you some time to wake up though. It doesn't matter, as long as you wake up.. you got to promise me Jasper, you'll fight to wake up okay? Don't give up on us just yet.."

_I heard you dad. I promise. I promise._

************

_Day 16 – Sat Dec 5th_

**_Carlisle POV_**

Just as Stephen had expected, with the virus now under the control, the swelling in Jasper's brain started resolving almost immediately. The PCR test this morning revealed negligible amount of CMV virus in his CSF. It had taken 16 long days to get it under control, but they finally did it!

I had to admit; I could breathe a little easier now, now that the virus was no longer in his spinal fluid. That was the vital thing hampering Jasper's progress right from the beginning. When they had first diagnosed it as a CMV disease, I had been so troubled by the news; so worried they weren't going to be successful in treating the cause of the disease at all. The way things had gone pear shaped 8 days into his admission, it seemed that the worry was going to be a real possibility. But now, the tide was turning finally – they were gaining headway with the resolving the cause and not just treating the symptoms. The silver lining was here again. There was hope.

I cast a glance at Edward, sure enough the promising smile on his face was a good enough indication that things was starting to look up again. Even Stephen looked confident with the recent development.

"His vitals are strong. There's still a bit of swelling but it's markedly improved from where it was a week ago. If all goes well, we'll be removing the ET tube from him in the next few days."

I risked a little more of that sliver of hope building inside of me. Perhaps Jasper's luck hadn't run out after all.

The only major concern right now was neurological damage. With the inflammation and swelling, there was a possible certainty that there could be some lasting damage to his functions. But we would only find out for sure when he woke up. I threw caution to the wind that he'd endured the inflammation unscathed. Safe. Unharmed.

****************

_Day __20 – Wed Dec 9th_

**_JPOV_**

The swelling did resolve not too long after dad told me the good news. And I had the ET tube removed from me today.

_Hell yeah!_

After weeks of somber moods, it was a nice change to be able to pick up positive vibes from everyone again. I didn't know about other patients, but they certainly had a multiplying effect on me.

_Now if I would just wake up, our lives would be alright again. _

More than anything else, I wanted to see that perky smile on my sunshine again. And never see another tear leak from those beautiful eyes, unless they were happy ones.

************

**_Really_**, I should have never led myself to believe that things were going to be easy for me.

After all, I did have that realization not too long ago about someone up there or down in hell hating my existence.

_After so many disappointments, you would've thought, I would have learned my lessons..._

It was Rosie and Alice who stayed with me for the night. Alice had decided to join me in bed tonight, even though it was really against the rules for her to sleep in the same bed as I was – I loved her for it. I remembered how soft her skin had felt against mine. I remembered longing to caress that skin with my fingers again. I remembered the happy inflection that was returning in her voice. I remembered her smell overwhelming my senses. It was wonderful.

I remembered wanting to wake up to Alice overwhelming my senses every day.

Something happened.

Something bad happened.

... I......

........... lost......

.... her...............

.....

*************

_Wednesday – Dec 16th_

_5:50 a.m_

**_Carlisle POV_**

"Hello? Rosie? What's the tim ….?"

The phone clattered to the floor.

"_Carlisle.. Jasper's…. seizure. Oh God! he's gone! He's gone!!"_

"What's happening? Carlisle? " _Esme._

"Dad?!" _Edward. Emmett._

"We need to go to the hospital now…………Jasper… seizure...." _Not breathing. Gone..__...GONE. _

_No… No.. No…_

As we raced to the center in a blur of speed, memories from 2 decades ago flooded my mind like an old reel film. A vivid image of a blond haired tyke standing in front of our bedroom door late at night, huge bright blue eyes looking up at me endearingly and confidently, his constant companion – oddly named as Snow, the brown teddy bear, a present from his new brothers, was held securely by one tiny hand, the other already reaching up to grab mine before I even held it out. A serene smile curled on the cherubic face framed by golden ringlets as he waited patiently to be led to the temporary haven that was mine and Esme's bed; where safety from dream monsters and comforting strokes in place of lulling lullabies surely awaited him.

"_You t__oo daddy…." _

_My son. _

_Oh God I can't breathe. I can't breathe._

_***************_

**Edward POV/Emmett POV/Bella POV/Esme POV**

"Did you get Rosie?? Try again!"  
_My head isn't functioning anymore. I'm freaking out and driving like a madman, and Dad isn't fucking re__sponding. Jesus what is going on!!!_

"Carlisle..Jesus Carlisle speak to me!..Oh God..why are you crying..what's wrong with Jasper?Carlisle!!"  
_I shake him desperately even as tears run down my own cheeks at the sight of my husband's broken face. He is crying__. OH GOD Why is he crying? _

"Edward..your dad...Oh Fuck..Oh God...it's bad Edward...it's bad isn't it?!"  
_I'm trying not to cry or scream but my mind is running amok at the sight of Carlisle breaking apart in front of us. His cries are scaring me. Oh GOd. _

"Jesus Rosie!!! No one is fucking answering!! Dad..dad...Goddamnit speak to us!"  
_I'm about to have a heart attack here! Dad is scaring me. Real bad. Oh Shit..._

*****************

**_Carlisle POV_**

Somehow I found my voice. In the chaos that was my family now, Rosie's shattering scream, her words slipped from my mouth in a broken whisper.

"She..said..Jasper's go...ne.. Jasper's gone.."

Screams.

Screams filled my ears.

* * *

A/N: .........................I'm ducking.......but I await the bullets and knives..and more importantly, your feedback. Hit me.


	53. To Drown in Hopelessness

Disclaimer: Usual disclaimer applies.

A/N: Okay okay... I know for some of you this is like " come one! another one?" I promise it will be the last before we close the curtain to Tripod. Thank you all for your thoughts in the previous short one.

Summary: Hopelessness. Enough said.

**Warning: kleenexes be ready I guess?**

* * *

**Chapter 37: To Drown in Hopelessness**

**_Bella POV_**

"Bella.."

My head snapped towards the voice calling my name now. The gut wrenching look on Edward's face was enough to knock me off my feet.

He needed me.

I covered the distance separating us in a hurried jog and pulled him towards a quiet corner by the window immediately. He was barely keeping upright and I could feel the small yet visible tremor coursing through his frame.

"Sit," I instructed, practically pulling his arms down. He complied silently and slid down to the floor, legs stretched out in front of him wearily.

_Oh Shit. Now he was shaking even more. He wasn__'t going into shock was he?_

More than just a tiny amount of panic settled in me and I did the only thing could think of in times of shock.

"Edward? Oh babe..shhh.. shhhh…" I straddled his lap without a second's thought and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, my knees hugging at his sides. Right now, I couldn't care less if we looked like I was riding him, in the open, on the ICU floor no less. I pulled his face into my chest, ignoring the tickling his hair was causing my neck. The tension from an hour ago between Rosie's call and Dr.R's grim news minutes ago had finally come to a head and my baby was breaking apart. Hot tears dampened my shirt as he trembled in my embrace. It didn't take my tears long to find their own way back down my already splotchy face.

************

When Carlisle broke from his trance and whispered Rosie's shocking message to us in the car on the way here, the only sounds I remember after that were screams. Wails to be exact. Esme's and mine. Perhaps even Edwards' and Emmett's. We were hysterical. I didn't know how we managed to arrive at the center in one piece, or carried our shell shocked bodies up to the ICU floor. What did I expect to find? Honestly, I expected to find a wailing Alice and a wailing Rosie in Jasper's room. Instead we found them huddling close together in the waiting area, seemingly waiting for us.

For some reason, I saw red. My best friend had just died, his body wasn't even cold yet and they left him ALONE!?

**And then Alice said.**

"He's alive!! I…I'm…m sorry!"

_Wha..t__he Fu..!!!_

I felt as though we had been electrocuted with a 1000 KW live cable. I could have sworn I saw my heart pop out of my chest cavity and felt splat on the floor, painting the sterile white tiles in Pollock style streaks. When I recovered from that 0.05 seconds later, I was vividly visualizing strangling the blubbering fool of a woman standing not 20 inches away from me, my murderous hands clasped tightly around that slender milky neck of hers that Jasper supposedly loved. It was that or my own brain matter exploding in front of my eyes, from the influx of emotions bombarding me in rapid succession – anger, relief, sadness, worry, rage. I thought I was going mad. She had Esme to thank for because the poor woman practically collapsed on the floor upon hearing Alice's exclamation.

The last time I saw Emmett lost his cool was that afternoon when Rosie discovered Jasper's brooch in Emmett's stash and promptly went on a witch hunt. If the time hadn't been so intense and emotional, I would have rather enjoyed watching the tearing apart of one Rosalie Hale again this morning by Emmett fucking hurricane Cullen. Right after Esme collapsed and it dawned on everyone that Jasper was still with us, he was blazing with rage. Rosie and Alice practically cowered behind each other as Emmett tore at them. The hurricane calmed down a little bit, long enough for them to shed some truth regarding the misinformation. I must have still been dazed from the whole experience because I could only hear disjointed phrases spewing from Alice's mouth.

Jasper – seizure – choked on vomit. Stopped breathing. Alice screaming – Jasper – dead. Alice losing it – Rosie losing it. Rosie screaming Jasper's gone – Jasper's gone into the phone – Carlisle. Resulting chaos ensued.

_Seethe. Stew. Boil._

If I had thought the explanation was enough to dispel the negative excitement buzzing in the air, I was wrong. Hurricane Emmett blew up almost immediately again.

"But why in the Fuck did you not answer the phone!!!??" His face was red with rage and he looked just about ready to eat both Alice and Rosie. Even though I wasn't the one in dire danger of being eaten alive, I flinched at his tone nonetheless. And just when I thought things couldn't get any more exciting, the _Schhwing _sound of Rosie's wolverine claws startled me and it took a swipe of her sharp talons to cut Emmett down. Idly I thought, they were really made for each other.

"I just saw my brother, her fiancé have a fucking scary seizure and choked on his own vomit okay?!! What do you want from me?!! I'm sorry! We're sorry okay!! Did you think we enjoyed watching Jasper like that??! Did you?!!!" Rosie was a force to be reckoned with when she was angry, but even through her eye popping, ball grabbing performance; I could see she was shaking like a leaf. She had been scared to pieces just like we all were.

If moments ago I had been intent on hunting them down and killing them myself, now, now I just felt dreadfully sick inside.

Away from this horrible, horrible confusion and the chaos and drama it may have caused this morning, the underlying truth was plain to see.

Another setback.

Just when we'd begun hoping for Jas to get better.... I just, I just didn't know what to expect anymore. If I should even expect anything good to come out of this. I felt awful thinking the way I was now, but it just seemed to me that hoping was… Futile. That there would be no end to this injustice and suffering to Jas or us.

_Was it cruel of me to think that maybe, maybe Jas was better off…dead? _

How much more suffering did he have to endure? How much more of this should we 'force' him to take? If the emotional pain we were feeling was quantifiable, I couldn't imagine the magnitude of suffering he was carrying – his and ours. If I felt let down by this setback, how much more let down he must be.

I really didn't know how long I could continue watching him face one obstacle after another. My best friend didn't deserve this. He didn't…

Our little family show was interrupted by Dr. R's appearing from behind the ICU doors, greeting us once more, looking grim and sorry as ever.

"Sorry to have scared you all like this.. Jasper is….stabilized. He's breathing – on his own. He's not conscious though. We need to take him down to have a CT and MRI scan done urgently, but I get the feeling you'd all like to see him first?" he said calmly. From the look on his face, I knew he knew how tense everyone was.

Like a herd of cows, we shuffled into Jasper's room wordlessly.

To say that the emotion in the room was thick the moment we stepped in was understating it. Seeing Jasper lying on the bed, his cheeks and lips still pink with life, the monitor beside him beeping loudly indicating his steady heart rhythm, his chest visibly rising and falling; knowing that he was still with us – was a huge relief. But at the same time, there was also this heavy feeling anguish looming over everyone. I was practically gasping for air.

At first I thought maybe it was only me feeling this way.

And then I noticed how everyone had tears running down their faces as well.

We were all drowning in this sea of Hopelessness. We were all drowning

We only had 10 minutes with Jazz before he had to be wheeled out. After that we were back at the waiting room counting the hour, minutes and seconds until we got some more answers.

************

**_Edw_****_ard POV_**

It must have been an hour or so later when we saw Dr R again. Dad urged the girls to take Esme to see Jas before he allowed the doctor to begin. I couldn't agree more with his decision; after this morning's chaos, I didn't think mom could handle any more bad news right now. I didn't think I could handle much more of her heartbreak.

Dr. R was succinct in his delivery. I guess taking a look at everyone; he probably thought it best to just lay it out to us plain and simple.

The news was devastating. To say the least. But I was still reeling from the shock of this morning's confusion that I managed to stay oddly calm while listening to the doctor's blow by blow of Jasper's latest health hurdle.

"The CT showed evidence of subarachnoid hemorrhaging. It's highly likely that could have caused this last seizure. We're not entirely sure if it's linked but the recent inflammation could have caused injuries to some of the vessels and contributed to this."

_Subarachnoid hemorrhaging was a form of stroke wasn't it? __Did that mean Jasper had a stroke? At 23? _

"He doesn't have a history of aneurysm in the family does he?"

We shook our heads, only because none of us were fucking sure. I made a note to ask Rosie about her family later. It could be lifesaving. Damnit – why hadn't we thought of that before?

"I'll find out." Dad said tightly.

"Thank you, background medical history would really help. The hemorrhage does seem to be localized to his midbrain area – and I've been told in many cases, it's a distinct pattern for nonaneursymal SAH, if it is that, the prognosis for recovery is already extensively better."

"The immediate concern though is the hematoma. I've consulted with Dr Armstrong and Dr Mehta, they're both specialists at what they do; we think the best option is to go for it immediately,"

"Excuse me, go for what?" Emmett butted in and then glanced worriedly at dad and me.

"There's a blood clot in his brain from where the bleeding was; we want to go in and remove it, and repair the weakened blood vessels."

The look of consternation in Emmett's face was obvious. I knew mine probably mirrored his.

"Surgery? What about his condition? Is he even strong enough to undergo a major operation right now?"

I glanced at dad. I had expected him to agree to Dr. R's suggestion without as much as a query.

"I understand your concerns. While he is unconscious, his vitals are strong. Considering his age, the location of the clot and the fact that it's causing seizures, I strongly believe that this is the best approach we should take. In all honesty, the prognosis could get worse the longer we wait."

The look on dad's face now was painful to see. He was torn. I could understand his worries. On the one hand, a brain hemorrhage was a serious thing and the faster they could address it the better the outcome, at least that's what I felt about the matter. With Jasper being in the state he was in right now, the signs could have been easily missed. What if there was another rupture, a massive one even? He could have permanent brain damage or die without us even knowing it. Just the idea of him dying silently in his sleep while we were there made the hairs on my body stand. On the other hand, dad was also right – he wasn't really in the best of health to undergo a major operation, strong vital signs regardless. He was vulnerable to infections and bleeding. The odds of him dying from either was fairly even.

"Can I speak to my sons for a minute?" He said to Dr. R just then. I was sure the look of my surprise on my face didn't go unnoticed. I caught Emmett's 'give dad a break' look at me. In other words, he was telling me I was being an ass. To think I still hadn't apologized properly to him for that huge blow up after Jazz's first seizure. _Yet another box to tick in my growing checklist. _We moved a little away from Dr R.

"What do you boys think?" He looked at either of us intently. Emmett was just as surprised as I was that dad was seriously asking for our opinion. He raked his hair.

"I don't think you should be asking for my opinion in this dad. What do I know of things medical? Nada." Emmett said bluntly. A snort escaped me unintentionally.

"Yes, but you know your brother. What do you think he would have wanted?"

I shifted my gaze to Emmett again. _What would have Jasper wanted? _I threw the question to him silently and watched with quiet interest as the crease between his eyebrows deepened reflectively. If dad had asked for my opinion irrespective of Jas's wishes, it would have been a sticky decision but I would have gone for option 1 for the reason that I felt it was the better risk of the two. But to consider what Jas would have wanted….

"Surgery."

We said in unison. My lips curled at Emmett, glad to know that we had agreed on the same answer. Jas was a tactical player, but in the last 8 months of dealing with cancer, he practically charged at it like a bull instead of pussy footing around it cautiously. Why would he start now?

A somewhat relieved smile appeared on dad's wearied face.

"Somehow I thought so too," he uttered, releasing a loud breath as he slapped my shoulder resolutely. Decision made, we shifted our attention back to Dr R once more.

"How soon can you do the surgery?"

************

The surgery would take place in 5 hours time. They could probably slot Jasper earlier but Dr R wanted only the best hands to work on Jas and he was only available after that time frame. We couldn't complain. It would give everyone time to be with Jas in the meantime.

With the decision made, Dr R left us once again. Dad disappeared to go in search of mom. Emmett too went looking for Rosie and Alice. Dr R had kindly relaxed the rules for us so we could all be in the room with Jasper instead of going through the usual two people rotation. I watched silently at Emmett's back as he passed through the ICU door.

I stayed behind. Now that the information was finally sinking in me, the familiar feeling in my chest returned. With the shock now worn off, the underlying emotion came to the fore. Bleak. Hopelessness. No chance of winning.

_Give up. Just give up._

I wanted to go and see him, but it seemed traitorous to go in there and urge him to continue fighting when I was feeling this way. What if he could feel our negative vibes while he was stuck in his semi coma? No, I couldn't do that to him.

I looked up at the doors again, and caught the familiar brunette hair and milky porcelain skin appearing from behind them.

"Bella…"

************

**_Bella POV_**

"You feeling better babe?" I asked rubbing circling motions on the back of his hand absently. I was hoping the crying had been somewhat cathartic for him as much as it had been for me. My heart squeezed something awful just looking at the unexpressed pain still etched in those green orbs. But his face looked more at ease than 15 minutes ago. I smiled when he nodded.

"You want to talk about it?"

He started shaking his head, _unsure? Hesitant?_ _Worried? _That I might judge him? I pulled at his hand.

"It might help. I promise I won't judge you."

I must have hit a raw nerve because his face constricted again and palms flew up to bury the evidence, the shame?

"Edward..love..talk to me,"

"I'm a lousy brother."

Why would he think that? He'd been nothing but amazing in his conduct. He took time off school to be here for moral support for God's sake.

"Babe.. why would you say that? You've been nothing but amazing, supportive.."

"This morning…when dad said.. that he'd died.. I mean I felt pain and sorrow and anguish….but God Bella…"

Guilt flooded his face and mixed with the pain already etched there. It sent a sharp pang of pain into my chest. I wanted nothing more than to take the pain away from him.

"…I also felt a little relieved…." He whispered, looking at me shamefully. As if he'd said something blasphemous out loud.

"… Can you believe that? I actually felt relieved…. how awful am.."

I didn't let him finish. I only knew too well what he was feeling. I only knew too well.

"No baby… It's not awful … It's not! It's not awful to want Jas not to suffer anymore.. you just don't want him to hurt anymore, that's all." I whispered the words to his neck vehemently. He needed to understand what the feeling really meant, I wouldn't allow him to carry this misplaced guilt in him. At my words, his hold around my back tightened reflexively. And I felt the trembling of his lips against my temple as he tried to stave off another wave of tears. The next words that came out of his lips were so laden with hopelessness that it literally blotted all trace of light in me.

"…He's got a hemorrhage in his brain Bella…"

_Oh Dear God. Jasper__……_

* * *

A/N: I know.....aargh... Reviews please....


	54. What Dreams May Come

Disclaimer: Characters are originally SM's.

A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting this…and thank you for waiting patiently. Without further ado here is the second last chapter to Tripod. I hope you will all enjoy it as much as a pain it has been for me to write it. This basically takes place in the hours before Jasper goes to surgery. It has everyone's POV. I hope it's not too jumbled up. Music played a big role in me being able to finally hash this up, so play some melancholic/slow music if you like. Check out my profile for link to these music/song:

Spiegel im Spiegel - I love this shit. ( Arvo Part)

I will love you - ( Fisher) - esp the J/A parts, but also Es/J.

Just as a guide:

_Italicized _text without heading is Jazz's POV – future/dreamscape, I leave it to the reader to decide.

_Italicized _text with heading is the stated character's inner monologue.

Summary: What the future may be for Jazz. In the meantime, everyone gets a chance to say goodbye. Because it's only proper.

Warning: May require some Kleenexes.

* * *

**Chapter 29: What Dreams may Come**

"_Hey Jasper, come on hurry up man!" Emmett urged impatiently at me, but the twinkle in his eyes told me he was only teasing. I hurried as best as my wretched knees could carry me. _

"_Shit Emmett, you know I can't do these climbs anymore," I complained a little annoyingly. I had arthritis on my knees. Long term effects from the rounds of chemo I did 5 years ago. While I was glad that the chemo and the BMT did what they were supposed to do – stop the leukemia and keep me alive, they didn't come without any casualties. I had already been to one surgery on my shoulder for bone necrosis. The chemo had done some damage to my joints and bones and while it didn't happen to everyone, it happened to me. I supposed I should still count myself lucky that I didn't develop any long term liver or renal or cardio-pulmonary problems. I reckoned those were much worse scenarios than what I had to lump with._

"_Sorry bro..I forgot about your knees…need help?" He asked as he walked back to me. I shook my head. I was 28. Arthritis or not, I was not ready to be carried like a total invalid._

"_Maybe you should go ahead..I'll catch up.." I muttered leaning against the rail. Damn those useless lifts!_

"_Two more flights bro…we're almost there…" Emmett ushered me._

"_Lemme carry you..I won't tell anyone, I promise!" He offered again. I looked up at the flight of stairs again and tried flexing my knee again. Shit. It was going to lock any second now. _

"_Okay..maybe that's not a bad idea..you sure though?" I asked. He looked at me as if I was kidding him. I fought the urge to snort at his smugness._

"_Okay..come to papa.." He muttered, bending his knees slightly and clapping his back. I huffed._

"_Damnit Emm.. if you're gonna say that.. I might just pass it up!" I retorted. He snickered and squatted a little lower so I could climb over his back. _

_We ended up on the fifth floor maternity center 3 minutes later. I was grateful to Emmett for saving me the excruciating last few climbs._

"_You okay?" he asked briefly as I straightened myself. I nodded but I felt myself gasping for air again. I was probably on the verge of getting an anxiety attack. _

"_Breathe Jas..breathe." he suggested and rubbed my back briskly. A wide smile appeared on his face as we both realized what was coming._

"_Whoo hoo!! You're gonna be a daddy!" He exclaimed excitedly then. His excitement was contagious and I couldn't help but grin, despite the anxiousness I was feeling._

"_Let's go Colonel" I said again as we headed towards the fire proof exit door._

**********

_**Emmett POV**_

"Hey Jas, It's Emm – you missing me yet?"

I snickered at my lame ass joke as I pulled the chair closer to him. As I'd done religiously every day the last few weeks – I reached for his pale hand lying still on the bed, placed it in mine and squeezed.

_He'd respond. He always did._

In all of my 24 years, I had never expected to see myself acting this way. All this "touchy, emotional" business – this wasn't me, it was more Jas and Edward's specialty. Not Emmett. It seemed odd to be hearing that train of thought in my head now – seeing as how border line obsessive I was with this hand holding routine nowadays.

30 seconds.

Some days – I even found myself pretty desperate for the contact. You'd think I was a staunch activist for the emotionally astute man movement or something. Or Rosalie Hale forbid, I'd turned gay all of a sudden.

The truth was, ever since I watched him seize that day, I'd never been able to quite rid myself of this tiny fear in my head that one morning or afternoon or evening; we'd find him stone cold, that he'd died right under our noses without anyone noticing something was amiss. I lost count how many times that morbid thought crossed my head since. I guess the compulsion to 'know' for myself that his skin was still warm and his heartbeat would still be pulsing beneath the thin skin of his wrist when I ran my fingers on it, was justified somewhat. I needed to be sure.

60 seconds.

He always responded with a twitch or a jerk of his fingers when I squeezed his hand like this. As if he sensed my unsaid fear and was assuring me that I needn't worry, because he was with us. He was listening. Even if it seemed he wasn't.

_Jas? Come on buddy. Let me know you can hear me._

90 seconds.

I felt the frown form between my eyebrows even as I stared down at his still, unresponsive hand in my grip.

_Come on Jas…_

I wish I couldn't see the tremor in my hand. Or feel the palpable ache blooming behind my ribs. It bothered me how this ache seemed to hurt so much more than taking a punch in the face.

"_I think Jasper will appreciate it very much if you could each spend some time with him, alone, this morning – before he goes into surgery later…"_

That was dad. Ever the master of subtle messages. This morning he gathered everyone and told us not in so many words that we needed to go make our peace with Jas – give our last message, say goodbye, that sort of thing. _And here I thought they only did that in television for added drama._ I knew he meant well though and it was only proper. I could also agree that maybe Jas would appreciate the gesture like he said he would.

_I just…. I never really expected to hear it_.

Never really expected dad would find it in him to ask us to do it. It probably tore him apart just thinking of it. I didn't know why, maybe it was Jas's wish? Anyway, he did. And somehow that just made all this suffering… Jas's, ours – seem so final. The worse thing about it was that maybe the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't favoring any of us.

_This couldn't be it. Could it?_

_No! _

I shook the thought away instantly. Jasper would never give up on us. It wasn't his style to go halfway. The Jas I knew was a fighter. He wasn't just going to give up now. Not when he'd come this far.

I squeezed his hand again as the timer in my head started counting once more.

10 seconds

"Hey..you remember Jack ?"

Jack had been our one and only pet - a long time ago. He was an old stray Labrador mix that we found wandering on the school grounds one afternoon and decided to take home. Much to mom's horror. There was just something sad in the way it was looking at us that day that we couldn't turn our heads away and ignore it. The three of us knew there was something beautiful underneath all that dirt and grime that he was wearing when we first saw him - even though mom was very, very skeptical. As we suspected, he was very beautiful after we had spent the afternoon washing him. Even if he was a little old. But dad gave him one look in the evening and knew Jack was a sick dog and a visit to the vet confirmed it. He told us that Jack was old and dying and maybe keeping him was not such a good idea because we'd only get hurt if we got too attached. It was a little too late to say that though because even though it had only been a few days, we'd already grown attached to Jack. Especially Jas.

I could never forget the deal he brokered with dad.

40 seconds

"Gimme a month daddy…just a month," I remembered his face that evening – all wide eyed and sad and hopeful and excited at once. It was classic Jas – that look he had on – just a bubble of emotions. He offered, no insisted to take care of Jack and if he didn't improve, dad could then take him away. For a 9 year old, that was a huge responsibility. Jack ended up staying with us for 5 more months before the accident. The vet was surprised he lasted that long. In all honesty, I always believed that it had been my brother's grim determination that kept the mutt alive as long as he did.

2 minutes

"You kept that dog alive longer than we all thought he would live..remember that?" I recalled with fake enthusiasm.

"I need you to do that with yourself right now… can you do that for us?"

_Jas..won't you just move your finger a little? Please.._

I swallowed hard. All I could feel, what I didn't want to feel, was the ache inside that just kept getting bigger and bigger. And heavier – so fucking heavy it was pulling all of me down.

5 minutes

"Remember what you said a few weeks back? You told Edward and me everything was going to be alright. You said you'd be okay again. Remember?"

_Just a twitch. All I ask…. Please._

I didn't know how long I continued to stare at his hand. Waiting for, wanting him to respond. _He always responded before…. why was he so silent suddenly? _

After a while, it got too blurry to see, so I just held on a little tighter. But the tighter I held, the longer time passed, the more painful the ache in my chest seemed to get. It was just _so hard_ to breathe.

_Don't you get it Emmett? He's not here anymore._

**No. **

_You need to accept it. Jas can't hear you anymore._

**Shut up!**

_It's the truth Emm. You need to say goodbye…._

The flipping ache finally broke through my ribs and I felt as if I was dying myself. I couldn't even recognize the whimpering voice that escaped through my own lips.

"Jas..if you can hear me somehow… please...please don't stop fighting… please don't give up… I'm begging you…. Come back to us. Okay?"

"Okay?"

People keep saying that tears and crying was cathartic and always helped to ease the pain.

_If that were true, WHY in the fuck was my chest hurting so much still?_

**********

"_Oh my God....she's beautiful.." Mom cooed as she rocked the tiny bundle of joy in her arms right now. Dad was watching with absolute adoration at the tiny little creature mom was holding. They were totally smitten by our tiny miracle, all ten fingers, ten toes, blue eyes, black hair, 6 ½ pounds of her._

"_She takes after her mama," I chimed in proudly, leaning down to kiss my sunshine again. She was all smiles and tears. And still the most beautiful woman in the world. _

"_And her daddy..." Alice chirped in her two cents and leaned into my side as we watched mom continue to be entranced by the little bundle in her arms. _

"_Have you guys decided on a name yet?" She asked us, frowning a little. We had been keeping the name a secret from the rest of the family for 9 months._

"_Isabel Rose," Alice and I answered at the same time. She was our angel, and it was only appropriate to name her after my two angels – Bella and Rosie. _

"_Isabel Rose..Ohh..it fits her, isn't it honey?" She exclaimed looking at dad who was still watching our daughter and making baby noises of his own. The smile on dad's face was contagious. I felt my own smile widen. Like mom, he seemed transfixed on Izzy._

"_It is honey….now please can I have her?" He asked meekly. Alice pulled my hand lightly and jutted her chin slightly at the antics of Izzy's grandparents. Barely two hours old and she was already caught in a tug of war. _

_Mom looked hesitant at first to give her to dad, but finally relented. While Izzy was being attended by her grandpa, Mom approached us to give both Alice and I each a hug and a kiss. Her face was beaming._

"_I'm so happy for you honey..both of you, you deserve this....now I can die happily," she sniffed as only a mother could. Alice was tempted to giggle at her drama again and I just rolled my eyes._

"_Mom…you're barely 50 years old.." I moaned at her dramatics. _

"_I'm almost 55!" She sniffed. _

"_Yeah..that's what I said… 50.." I responded deadpan and hugged her again. She returned my hug fiercely, and I felt the tell tale tears on my shirt._

"_When Izzy marries, you'll be there…standing tall and proud, like you'll be for the rest of your grandkids.." Alice rallied now just as dad decided to return Izzy back in to her arms._

"_Oh Mom.. don't cry..it's a happy day.." I whispered to her. She only hugged me tighter before pulling away. I could tell what she was thinking just looking at her face. I knew she was recalling the 2 years of suffering we all went through because of my cancer. _

"_I'm sorry… I'm just…I'm just so happy for you sweetheart… "_

"_I know.... I've been blessed." I responded softly, feeling just a tad nostalgic at the memory again._

_I pulled her to me as Alice looked at us meaningfully. _

_"I love you mom.."_

**********

_**Esme POV**_

"_Mommy?"_

The first time he'd called me that had been about 3 weeks after we took him home. He'd been quite shy and reticent in the beginning even though he bonded with his brothers almost instantly. And then one afternoon after we had lunch, he just beamed at me and said it. I turned to butter, if that was at all possible.

"Yes sweetheart?" I said, in the calmest voice I could muster at the time. The last thing I wanted was to scare him because of my over excitement at being called mommy finally. I'd always considered it a gift to be called mom. And that afternoon, I was thrice blessed.

"_Thank you."_ He said meekly and after a moment's hesitance, stepped forward and wrapped his tiny arms around my thighs. When I touched his head, I felt the initial hesitance melt and I knew then and there, he was finally feeling at home. When he pulled away, blue eyes sparkled at me like Christmas baubles, his cherub of a mouth breaking into a dazzling smile – perhaps at the realization that he'd called me something special; his cheeks turning peach as he blushed; and then I watched interestedly the way his ringlets bounced against his head gaily – like their owner, when he made a quick about turn and ran after his brothers to play some more.

_My little sunshine._

Tears rolled down my face even as I made the painful observation of how stark the contrast seemed now, him lying as still as death in the bed in front of me. The bright eyes and warm smiles were all gone. Now…he was just a shade darker than the sheets underneath him. Pale. Lifeless. My little sun obliterated.

The moment we laid eyes on him that many years ago, I just knew in my heart our family would not be complete without him. Never mind the fact we were actually looking for a little girl to balance the 'testosterone' in the family. Of course, if I didn't know better, it would've been very easy to mistake him for a girl. He'd always been a beautiful child.

_My beautiful, precocious, sensitive and affectionate boy._

How could I forget the first night that he came knocking at our door wanting to be comforted from the dream monsters? Once he got comfortable with the idea of having Carlisle and me as his parents, he was unbelievably affectionate and warm towards us. Having had Edward and Emmett a few years prior, we thought we'd seen it all and was well prepared for the new addition. What we didn't expect was the amount of giving coming from him. Usually it was the parents' job to shower affection and make the child feel loved and belonged. It was normal to expect that from kids – any good parenting book would tell you honestly that that a child demanded lots of attention and affection from his or her parents. Edward and Emmett were like that. We were surprised with Jasper. Those first few years, he made me, he made me feel like I was the most precious thing he'd found and he would always, always make a point of saying it to me. And I had always thought it should've have been the reverse. It could have been the fact that he'd experienced loss so early in life that subconsciously, he'd learned to value people he loved earlier on. I recalled his little admission in my last birthday – that I would always be their first love.

_He had always made me feel special._

First day at kindergarten had been both an exciting and sad affair for him. Exciting because he was joining Emmett finally and sad because he was leaving Edward alone at home. As mothers generally did on first days, I couldn't help but let out a few tears of joy on the day. When he noticed me sniffling my tears away, the poor child thought I was crying because he was leaving me alone at home like his brother. I was just about to hand him to his class teacher then – Mrs. Haley when he started tugging at my skirt, a sign that he wanted me to come down to his height. When I did, he almost choked me with a fierce hug and then made a loud declaration that made me laugh and swell with motherly pride.

"_Don't worry mommy, I Love You. I'm not going to leave you. You're the best mommy, ever! You'll see me later with Emmie. Okay?"_

I mean, which mother wouldn't melt when their son made a declaration of love like that? On his first day of school no less? I could have sworn I saw at least a handful of moms looking at me enviously for having such a charmer of a kid.

I leaned closer to my little sunshine, wanting nothing more but to see those sparkling baubles again, looking at me in adoration and love as he'd done all these years. But they were shut to the world, shut to me. _It hurt. God it hurt._

"Having you and your brothers call me mom… is the best blessing I could have ever asked for in my life Jasper. The three of you always tell me how lucky you all are to have me. Well, I could say the same of all of you. I haven't told you nearly enough just how blessed and lucky I am to have been given the chance to be your mom sweetheart. I am so…lucky."

I was. Especially since his real mother had been deprived of that. I couldn't imagine what Rosalie's mother would feel when she finds out about Jasper eventually. I couldn't deny the fact that I felt a little hurt and jealous when I found out that he was indeed Benjamin as Rosalie suspected. I had worried that he would stop calling me mom now that he knew for sure he had a real one. And I admit it hurt to think he was going to give someone else that term of endearment that had been mine and mine alone for 18 years. Even if she was his biological mom, I raised him. I gave him all the love a mother could give. He was mine too.

He was my son too.

_I would always be his mom._

"_Mom…I just want you to know that this doesn't change a thing. I'm not going to leave you. You're the best mommy ever. Ever!" He smirked before pulling me flush to his chest and kissing my temple. _

"_I mean it. And I love you very much. You'll always be mom to me. Okay? So quit worrying unnecessarily.. You don't want to age faster than you should do you?" _

He'd always been so attuned to other people's feelings even though I tried hiding my insecurities and jealousy for his real mom from him. I was torn between wanting to deck him for teasing me with the line he used so many years ago and hugging him to tears for being so considerate of my feelings and needs.

My fingers had been ghosting over his arm absently for a while before I realized what I was doing. I loved it that he treasured this as a favorite thing. I remembered the first time that it happened. It was the first night we found him outside our door late at night, woken up by a nightmare or something. He was afraid to sleep by himself so Carlisle pulled him to our bed and wedged him and his teddy bear between us. I could sense he was trying to sleep, burying his face underneath that soft toy gifted by his brothers when he first arrived but his tiny body was tense and anxious, curled up next to me. The moment I laid my hand on his arm and started lightly scratching his skin with the tips of my fingers, he relaxed and promptly fell to sleep. The third time, he made Carlisle join the club. It was one of the sweetest moments I could remember of just the three of us.

_Would I ever have the chance to comfort him like this again after today?_

The thought rent me apart. I was breaking all over again even before I could put a hold to it.

_Would I see those blue baubles again – sparkling at me with mischief and adoration? What of the warm dazzling smile on his face that always seem to light up a room? Would I get to hear his voice again? Telling me he loved me very much?_

_Will I get to hear my baby call me mom again?_

_Oh my heart!_

"I haven't had enough of the pleasure of being your mom Jasper. 18 years is far too short. Too short. I haven't had enough of loving you and taking care of you. I don't want to lose you, sweetheart. I don't want to lose you. Please don't leave me like Alex.... I love you sweetheart, please don't leave me..."

**********

_My brothers and their wives made their appearance finally. _

"_We're here to meet the new parents!" Bells and Rosie called out in unison as they strolled in before their husbands. We traded hugs as per usual before they each had a look see of little Izzy who was still resting in Alice's arms. Just as Emmett looked down at her – I supposed Izzy wanted to make her own introduction to her uncles and aunts, she let out a loud wail that made everyone burst into chuckles._

"_Whooo…she is one screamer!" her big bear of an uncle exclaimed, sliding an arm around Rosie's waist. _

_He wasn't implying anything but my head snapped to my wife instantly and it took a gargantuan effort on my side to not burst out laughing at his statement._

_Babe..which of us do you think she's taken after??? I asked her silently, giving her a knowing look. She shook her head and guffawed silently, and as if it was the most natural thing in the world – well it was, but not to my brothers and I obviously; she bared her right breast and gave a nipple to Izzy's mouth to suck on. _

_I could only stare. And judging from the loud groan coming from Bella and Rosie, my guess was my brothers were doing the same._

"_Close your mouth!" _

"_Stop staring!"_

"_It's a breast for heaven sake!" _

_Rosie, Bella and mom all made comments at our apparent lost of mental cognition at seeing Alice's full breast. It took me a full minute or so before I regained my senses enough to see Alice shaking in bed laughing at me and my brothers._

"_So guys….is she going to be called JA Cullen the 1st or have you guys actually agreed on a name this time?" Edward started, chuckling at us._

"_Yeah Jazz, Alice.….you've had 9 months and 3 baby books to find one good name for her…" Rosie added looking at us a little perplexedly. _

_Unbeknown to them, we had been throwing them off the loop regarding the name for some time because we wanted it to be a surprise. Alice and I looked at each other briefly before she gestured for me to tell them._

_I cleared my throat and beaming, said, "Actually we have a name, we've had it for some time – it's Isabel Rose."_

"_In honor of both of you – for what you mean to us, and Jazz especially…if that's okay with you two?" Alice said now. The look on both Bella and Rosie's faces told us we made the right decision. _

"_Damn you two...now I'm going to cry.." Rosie sniffed. She was hormonal, if the visible bump on her stomach was any indication. It was baby number three for Emmett and her. The twins who were probably back at home with Grandma Hale were now three years old. She made her way to Alice and then to me. Her face was glowing with happiness – for me._

"_Oh Jazz.. I'm so happy for you. She's beautiful..ahh..and the name.. you really didn't have to..but I'm honored. I really am.."_

"_I love you too Rosie…" I said to her, pulling her into a hug._

_She moaned at me for making her get all teary eyed again. I laughed._

**********

_**Rosalie POV**_

My last memory of Benji was our time together in the sandbox right before he was stolen from me for 20 odd years.

I just found him and my memory back. I wasn't ready to lose him again.

Even though we agreed on putting the bigger issue on hold until he got better, the last few months had seen our relationship grow from strength to strength, bit by bit. I relished in the fact that I was a big sister again, that after this role had been cruelly taken away from me, I'd found it back. In the most unexpected way and places for that matter.

_I'm just beginning to fill out this role. And now I'm running out of time. Again._

Finding those pictures, and the flashes of memories coming back to me little by little, I had no doubt that I had adored Benji when he was born and had adored him when he was still my tiny toddler of a brother. Who could have not? He was the most adorable baby I'd ever seen – a real life cupid complete with golden curls, huge blue eyes, chubby cheeks and legs and the most cherubic smile. The thought of a tiny blonde girl watching over her even tinier blonde baby brother adoringly sent a nostalgic smile to my face. It felt familiar, that thought.

_How could they expect me to say goodbye?_

What could I possibly say to him in an hour that would, could make up for all those years of missing conversations and moments with him? I was still getting to know him again and him me. I was still trying to piece back my forgotten past. How could I say anything worthwhile when I was still trying to put the pieces of puzzle that was our relationship, back together?

How could I say goodbye when we were just beginning at hello not too long ago?

It wasn't fair.

As I sat there watching and contemplating my thoughts, my goodbye, I felt a sudden urge to just hold him. Ignoring all sense and decorum, I climbed over and curled next to my brother, draping my arm protectively over his chest. The most intimate we've been was a hug but somehow this felt right. Almost instantly a memory darted to the fore of my mind. I felt a smile curl on my lips – my action had triggered a memory recall. No wonder it felt right – I'd spent many days napping with my brother next to me when we were small. But just as sudden as the memory had appeared, I was blinking back tears almost instantly.

"Benji…" I whispered his birth name pleadingly, my eyes blurring further as I looked at his face.

"Please don't leave me again… I just found you. I just found you back…"

The gravity of the words were so cutting to my own ears and heart that I was suddenly gushing like storm water out of a flooded drain.

Ignoring the burst of tears and audible sobs leaking through my lips, I curled my fingers around his far shoulder and pulled myself closer to him, welcoming the buzz that still existed between us. A calmness washed over me somehow and it felt as though we were back to the day in the sandbox, just brother and sister playing happily together.

The warm memory was fleeting though; because soon enough the heavy feeling was swallowing me all over again. Even as reality clawed its way back into my consciousness, I latched onto him tighter. It was a futile effort, I knew – trying to hold on to him like this, but besides pleading, what more could I do?

"Please don't give up Benji, please..."

**********

_Bella came over to hug me next. After all these years, even after our subsequent marriages and becoming family, she was still Bellarina in my eyes._

"_I'm so honored Jazz..it's the best gift ever !" she exclaimed dramatically, eyes sparkling as she looked at both of us._

**********

_**Bella POV**_

"Hey Jazz..it's me Bellarina."

I ran my fingers along the side of his face and fought the urge to cry at the sight. My best friend's light was almost gone.

"_See? You are a natural Bellarina…" He smirked, winking at me playfully just before he sidled up tightly behind me, hands on my hips, guiding my movement to the beat. I blushed. _

"_You're just saying that Jazz...I'm such a klutz.." I slurred a little, even as I tried to move to his sway. He clucked and rested his face against my temple._

"_The liquid courage might have helped loosen you up a bit, but Bellarina… you're beautiful when you dance.. trust me.." There was no sarcasm or malice of any sort in his voice. He was just being honest. And I trusted him. _

First time he called me that was 2 months after we met, well after I crashed into him and splattered my yogurt drink all over his shirt. The incident might have been embarrassing but I found a friend that day. Neither knew just to what extent our friendship would bloom into yet, although years later, I would find myself feeling grateful that we had crossed paths that day.

Emmett and a few of our mutual friends decided to go clubbing, and much to my horror, I agreed. At the time, Jazz and I were sort of trying to do the dating thing and while he was really hot and then some; and I wasn't the only one who saw this because my dorm mates were practically salivating over him when I introduced him to them; there was just something not fitting together in terms of us 'dating'. Of course, I didn't know much of his "issues" then and I didn't know that our feelings regarding 'us' were mutual. I actually thought there was something wrong with me. He found out about my stupid phobia of dancing when I opted to watch our bags while everyone else sashayed to the dance floor to grind hips and what not. He pestered and I ended up confessing my humiliation at age 10 – the time I realized I was born with two left foot and was told I gyrated like a spastic robot on the dance floor. He laughed at me and ordered shots for us. 2 _Sambucas,_ 2 _Jaegermeister_ and 1 _Caipirinha_ later, he somehow managed get me to the floor without me tripping and proceeded to make a dancer out of me. Suffice to say, I felt so liberated that night, and couldn't care less if I did gyrate like a spastic robot to the music. Kind gentleman that he was raised to be, he told me that I was smooth and beautiful on the dance floor. Jasper helped me conquer quite a few of my phobias actually.

I laughed at the memory now and pulled his hand to my lips.

We ended up in his bed later that evening – somewhat naked. I admit he looked really fine in the buff. We got as far as second base but somewhere in the midst of tangled sheets and tongues and skin, he snorted accidentally and for some reason I just found it extremely hilarious – it may have well been because of the alcohol but anyway; I laughed; which made him laugh and then our moment was gone. Confessions followed soon after and we ended up talking each other to sleep instead – of life, books, people, silly things. I found my best friend that night and so did he. We never looked back.

"Jazz.. thank you for touching my life.. sometimes I try to imagine what my life would have been if I hadn't met you and we didn't end up becoming best friends. God.. It would have been so boring and gray. Undergrad was some of the best years of my life you know that? The shit you put me through… I mean.. I would have totally missed out on how de – stressing it is to rock my ass on the dance floor if it hadn't been for you. I wouldn't have jumped off a bridge and bungeed my heart out if you hadn't dragged me to one and dared me. I wouldn't have started on my book if you hadn't read the prologue and forced me to write more chapters. And I wouldn't have met Edward if you hadn't pulled an Emma on me."

_He wasn't just my best friend. He was my soulmate – as corny as that sounded. _

I wiped my face hastily.

"You know what Alice keeps telling me when I ask her to describe how you are to her? You're like sunshine. Warm. Comforting. You know how that feels? You just want to stay outside all day and never go back in. And.. I have to agree with her Jazz. You are. I mean you can be really moody sometimes but sweetie, when you smile, when you're happy –nothing can contain you, you know? And everyone around you feels it. You touch everybody Jazz. You touch everyone.."

_If you go sweetie.. you're gonna leave a such a big hole in our lives. I'm so afraid of that…._

"I love you Jazz. You know that right? I'm so scared of losing you. I'm so scared of facing the grief that will come...if ..if you leave us.. I don't know if any of us will have the strength to face that, honestly. I've always seen you as being a part of my future you know? And the idea of you not being there… I don't know.. I can't imagine it.. I don't want to."

_I don't want you to leave. I want you at my wedding. At my child's christening. I want to see you and Alice married. I want you at our family gatherings years down the line. I want us to remain best friends until we're old and gray. I want you around forever. _

"But as much as I am scared of losing you, sweetie… I don't know if I can stand watching you hurt endlessly like this anymore. Edward is so broken – it hurts to see the two people I love most hurting and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to see you hurt anymore Jazz. I can't stand watching you go through one illness after another like this.. it's not fair on you. Sometimes I feel as if you're struggling to hang on just for our sakes…"

I bit my trembling lip.

"Jazz.."

The thought of saying it was enough to make me cry again and I had to take a few breaths just to steady myself.

"If..if ..you..you can't..do it anymore, if it's too much for you to keep fighting on ...I just want you to know that I'm okay if you want to let go.."

My heart splintered into a thousand shards of broken parts.

"_Bella, promise me you'll be there for my family…"_

"And I'll keep my promise to you Jazz. I promise…you don't have to worry.."

I didn't care that the tears were coming in torrents now.

"I love you Jazz. Always. You'll always be my best friend, forever."

**********

"_It comes with a responsibility though, we want both of you to be her godmothers and your ogres to be her godfathers, what say you two?" I asked them. Emmett and Edward grunted at the call name but when they came to congratulate me a moment later, they were only too happy to oblige._

"_She's a beauty bro…has your eyes, congratulations man.." Emmett clapped my shoulder excitedly._

"_Jas…..you're a daddy, I'm so chuffed for you dude...welcome to the club," Edward said to me happily as he engulfed me in a hug._

_I shamelessly basked in the happiness that our miracle baby had brought to us. _

_After 5 rounds of intensive chemo, 1 round of radiation plus 2 years of ongoing medication, I pretty much gave up on the idea of having kids of my own. I never did give a donation to the bank. We thought of adoption. And then she gave me the best fucking birthday gift last year and told me I was going to be a daddy in 8 months time. I was so over the moon that I couldn't sleep for two nights. What happened? Miracle. You got that right. Izzy was a miracle, just like her daddy was._

**********

"_Give Izzy to her grandpa," Dad said to us the moment we appeared on their doorstep 4 weeks after Alice was released from the hospital. It was Izzy's first weekend in Forks. And it seemed the entire Cullen brood was in Forks as well from the noise that was coming from the backyard. _

"_Hey mom," Alice and I both greeted her as she came to the front to meet us. _

"_How are you Alice?" She inquired._

"_Great..except for the morning wakeup call…but Jazz and I are alternating," she replied with a wink at me. _

"_Well that's good to know…the rest of them are outside manning the fort…so pack the bags away and join us.. now where's my granddaughter??" She asked. We shifted our gaze at a retreating dad. "Carlisle…give her to me," she called after Dad, making Alice and myself chuckle instantly._

"_I'd love to chat to you two but I need to go save my granddaughter first!" She winked, gave both of us a quick kiss before running after dad who had whisked Izzy away to the lounge by then. Alice and I shook our heads as we headed to our room to pack away our bags. At least we'd have some helping hands here during the long weekend._

**********

_**Carlisle POV**_

When it was my turn to sit with Jasper, I almost chickened out of it. What more could I possibly say or do that could rectify this? It was my fault that things turned out so badly for him. I wondered if he would be angry with me if he knew what I was thinking right now. If he knew I regretted my decision for him.

_I failed you son. This suffering that you're going through.. it should've been mine to carry.._

I pushed the chair away and sat on the edge of the bed instead, reaching over to his head to stroke the fine stubble of hair growing on his scalp again. I had shaved it off for him a few times already. I would shave it off for him again today. I barely opened my mouth before the first tears of regret started escaping. The knife that seemed to have been permanently staked in my heart twisted again as I took in his countenance. The two months of progress he'd achieved right after the transplant was but like a dream. All the weight, the color he'd gained was nowhere to be seen. He looked just like he did during the worst months.

The guilt hit me like a spreading film of icy frost. The sting was bitter cold and painful.

_I put him here._

"Jas, you're going into surgery in a couple of hours…you had a seizure this morning. I know son…I'm sorry it happened again."

_I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from getting hurt again son._

"They found a clot in your brain…it caused the seizure, and they need to remove it. I've asked your brothers' opinion about whether you should go for surgery or wait until you're in better shape. Your brothers told me that you would have wanted the surgery done. So I've given the go ahead for it."

_I'm worried that you might be too weak for this.. but this isn't about my opinion anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't say sorry enough Jasper. _

"I know it's been… such a painful journey for you, son. I know you're hurting and in pain all the time. I know you're getting tired of all of this. I can't tell how sorry I am that you've had to suffer so much. You know, if I could, if I had the power – I would gladly carry it for you Jasper. It hurts your mom so much, everyone.. to see you like this. It hurts me so much knowing it's my error, my doctor pride that landed you here right now. I know you, you'd tell me off and say it was your decision, but if it hadn't been for my assurance and my advice, if I hadn't convinced you it was the best option, you wouldn't have taken it. When I said that it was Jasper, I…I only saw the cancer… I only thought of the disease. And your brother was right, I should have..." I lost my voice even as I felt my face break again. The guilt hitting me anew. I could barely mouth out the next few words to him, the ache so heavy in my chest, as if I was at the bottom of the sea itself and the weight of the ocean was pushing down on my entire being.

"I should have seen you Jasper. I should have seen my son first. You should have been my priority, not the disease."

_Will you forgive me for hurting you?_

"I'm so sorry son… I never wanted you to be hurt like this.. I never wanted this for you…"

I ran my fingers along his arm again, and the flash of memory brought a bittersweet smile to my face.

"When you first showed me how you like to be comforted to sleep, you were four. Do you remember? Quite the commanding little tyke you were. You practically made yourself home in our bed for months. When we finally succeeded in making you sleep in your own bed, I'll tell you this much. I had many restless nights afterwards. Both your mom and myself. We'd gotten so used to having you and your teddy wedged between us it was an adjustment to sleep again without you."

_You've graced our lives Jasper. Your mom and mine. You were a tiny sun that brought much warmth into our family._

"I love you very much son. Very much. You, Emmett, Edward and your mom are everything to me. My entire world and happiness. I'm a better man because of each of you. I want you to know that I'm proud of you. Of how you've grown up, what you've made yourself into. I'm proud of how well you carry yourself. You've been through so much suffering in your young life, and yet it hasn't deterred you from living your life in hope and love. I'm humbled just watching you grow. In the last 8 months, you've taught your ol' man a thing or two about courage and strength. You are such a courageous boy. I am so proud of you…"

I leaned over and kissed his forehead reverently, shakily committing the sight of his face and the warmth of his fading soul into memory, even as I fought to keep my breaking heart together.

"I want you to hang in there okay? When you're in there…don't be afraid… dad and mom are right outside waiting for you. You're not alone in this Jasper... we're all here with you,"

"I love you son. Come back to us safely.."

_Come back to us._

**********

_We dropped the bags on the floor. _

"_Shall we go angel?" Alice called to me when she came out of the bathroom._

"_In a minute or two.." I said huskily as I pulled her flushed to my body. She let out a tiny squeal._

"_Mmm…….are you thinking what I'm thinking??" She raised a perfect eyebrow at me and cocked her head towards our old bed. _

"_Mmm……maybe just a bite?" I quirked an eyebrow back at her. She pulled me towards the bed immediately._

"_You think they'd miss us?" She asked as we quickly shed our clothes again. I mulled the thought for 10 seconds._

"_Nah…Izzy's there..she'll hold the fort.." I answered easily and went after her neck as she wrapped her legs around my waist easily._

_I laughed a second later when a thought flashed in my mind. _

"_Penny for your thought major?" She asked, tilting her beautiful head at me. _

"_Our first night.." I chuckled._

_Her tinkly laughter rang in the room again._

"…_still the best fucking 2nd birthday present ever…" She exclaimed cheekily before grinding her hips into mine._

_I groaned and flipped us over the bed instantly. _

"_Guys!!!! We know you're in there! Leave the monkey business for after dinner will ya??!" Edward's voice rang loud and clear from behind the closed door of our room_

_Emmett chortle could be heard right beside him._

"_Cockblockers.." I grunted and buried my head in between my wife's beautiful hills. Her body shook as she laughed._

"_Come on Jas!!! You're needed at the roasting station!" Edward called out again just before we heard a few loud raps against the door._

"_Okay! Okay!" I yelled. I heard their laughter again as we hurried to get dressed._

"_Jesus Jas…couldn't wait to get a moment free with Alice hey?" Edward chuckled when we finally appeared, with me still buttoning my shirt up._

"_Izzy's kept us busy okay?" I replied almost huffily. They had been there themselves, they knew what it was like. Alice only laughed at my response._

"_Hey sis! How you doing?" Edward greeted her and leaned down to give her a kiss and a hug. _

"_Apparently horny…" she replied, giggling as she hugged and kissed Edward. Edward gave me a smirk as they hugged._

"_Hey Ali..wow..you looking good…" Emmett complimented as he gave her a once over before he bent down to give her a kiss and a hug._

"_That's my wife you're ogling at you toad…" I commented on Emmett's appreciative glance. I did agree with him though; pregnancy had only improved on Alice's body. She looked more womanly now with her gentles curves. One hot mama in my view. The thought sent the 'Major' into overdrive again and I had to adjust myself quickly._

"_Aww come on Jas…we were just teasing you.. but really Alice.. you do look good.." Emmett chirped again and she only laughed in response. Edward decked him lightly on the back of the head and shook his head._

"_What'd I do?!" Emmett trilled blankly. We both gave him the 'look' that said 'sure we believe ya..'. This only made my wife laugh even louder. _

"_Come hot wifey... time to meet the rest of the clan.." I extended my hand to her and once it was clasped to mine, I pulled her flushed to my side and stole a loving kiss from the full lips._

"_To be continued?" She asked me loudly and winked. Dramatic, loud groans could be heard from the two men walking ahead of us. I grinned smugly._

"_Oh definitely baby…..definitely.." I wiggled my eyebrows at her suggestively. Her tinkly laugh rang loud and clear – it sounded like crisp morning breeze on a Christmas day again. Even to this day, she still made me feel special. _

_I was blessed. Much blessed. _

**********

_**Alice POV**_

"Hello angel..it's me.."

I clambered to his bed, crawled under the blanket and curled next to him. As soon as my head fell on his shoulder, I felt the first teardrops slipping past my cheeks and wetting his shirt and the sheet beneath it.

_I'm here baby...I'm here… I'm never going to leave you okay? Never._

I curled to his body even more, desperate to maintain the contact. I needed to feel his presence, smell his essence around me. I needed to commit this to memory. I had to.

_I love you Jasper. I love you. I love you. I love you._

The tears rolled down faster. I clung to him tighter.

_Please come back to me angel. _

_Come back to me. _

_I love you. Come back to me.._

"Come back to me Jasper. I love you. Come back to me.."

I sobbed the words to his ear over and over again and clung onto his shoulder tightly. He was my lifeline. As clichéd as it sounded, there was no life without him. The dream in the plane showed me just what it would be like for me if he died. I would be nothing but a shell without him. Nothing. I felt myself gasping for air even as the memory of the dream and the feeling of emptiness that came with it assailed me once again. I shuddered against his shoulder as my tears turned into a torrential downpour.

_Wherever you are angel, please hear me.. come back to me. Come back to me…I can't live without you Jasper. I can't.._

**********

_**Edward's POV**_

They wheeled Jas into the OR 5 minutes ago. Dad had been the last one to speak to him before the nurses came in to prep him up. It was kind of morbid too see dad shaving Jas's head for the surgery. It looked like he was performing his last rites. I didn't know if I liked what I saw.

I had spoken to Jas before dad. And right before that, it had been Alice's turn. When I came for my turn, she was curled up in the bed with him, looking as if she was asleep. Only when I did approach the bed did I see the faint tremors in her frame, and I knew she was actually crying – in silence. Seeing her like that totally crushed me.

"Alice…"

Eyes opened but she didn't look up. Her gaze stayed at my brother. A few more seconds of silence passed between us before her shaky voice rang softly.

"Angel…I love you…Come back to me.."

I watched as she got up and knelt by Jas's shoulder and leaned over to cup his face with her hands. As much as I felt I was intruding a private moment between them, I couldn't tear myself away. So I kept my eyes glued to the scene in front of me – silently, as she laid the gentlest of kisses on his cheeks, his forehead, his eyes, his lips, murmuring something inaudible to my ears at every juncture. My insides ached for her when she hugged him once more before pulling herself away.

And then she froze.

"Edward….."

The brokenness of her voice tore me to pieces. I felt my own control wavering just hearing the utter despair laced in them.

"Yes?" I managed quietly. A sudden image of her looking like an empty shell – alive on the outside but dead inside; flashed in my head vividly. I almost staggered at the stark contrast of the image to the Alice we knew, I had come to know. I knew that if my brother died, we would lose her too. She had become as much a part of my family regardless of her relationship to my brother.

"I…I can't.. I don't think.. I can…" she cried softly. I felt my eyes water and swallowed the whimper trying to leave my throat. I went to her then and without a second's thought, scooped her up in my arms. She clung to me like a ragged doll and turned her face into my chest.

"He'll be alright Alice.. he'll be alright." I mustered a reply to her. My thinly held barricade slipped the moment I felt her muffled sobs dampening my shirt.

**********

"Jas.. it's Eddie…"

I pulled his hand and rested it against my forehead. In the last few hours, I had been wracking my brain trying to piece together a worthy message to give to him. I thought of my chat with Bella; I had dissected my feelings of this morning. I thought I had my speech prepared. But seeing Alice and having had to carry her away from him had thrown all that out of the window.

"You know… I had a hell of a speech prepared to give to you… I thought I did, but it's all out the window now.." I chuckled dryly and glanced at him.

_Wrong move. _

I swallowed the lump in my throat forcefully and pulled my eyes away. It was just too painful to look at his face now.

"You see.. I thought, I thought I was prepared to let you go Jas. I know.. I sound like a traitor don't I? I'm sorry bro..I didn't mean to let you down.. I just.. You've just been suffering so much the last few weeks, I didn't think I could stand watching you suffer through anymore shit ....you know?" I trailed off.

I blinked and quietly observed as translucent spots started dotting the white sheet directly beneath my face. I felt my fingers curled around his unresponsive hand even more. I steeled myself and turned to catch his face again.

"But..uh… I change my mind.. You gotta pull through this okay Jas? You have to pull through this…"

_Alice needs you. _

"Alice needs you. She's lost without you, you know. I've never seen her so empty like this. You have to come back to us. You..just have to.."

_And what if the outcome is bad? What if there are damages?_

"Whatever the outcome is after this surgery, we're going to be here for you. We'll get through it together. Okay? We'll get through this with you, every step of the way. I promise you. Just.. Just come back to us."

"I love you Jas. Do you hear me? I love you. Hang in there okay?"

**********

I set the timer on my watch to 5 hours and tried to make myself comfortable on the chair I was sitting on. I felt Emmett take the seat next to me and we silently watched the girls take the couch on the left. Mom and dad had taken refuge in the settee by the window at the far end of the room – and I was relieved to see dad was taking care of mom. She was lying on his lap. I looked at the girls again and was glad to see Alice ensconced between Bella and Rosalie. I still hadn't been able to wash away the image of her looking like an empty shell from my mind.

"I guess we wait now.." Emmett muttered and leaned back, a tired sigh escaping his lips.

"Yeah..we wait and pray.." I responded and settled myself.

I had never been a man of faith and God much, but it seemed like the right time to start.

**********

_**JPOV**_

**_"I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom." _**

_I was a collector of many odd things. And maybe it was the writer in me, but what stamps were to some people, quotes were to me. And this one here was one of my favorite quote from a movie that just happened to be another favorite. Fight Club. Yeah, I loved the fight scene – it was pure testosterone as Emmett said. But it was a lesson in philosophy as well. The script was brilliant and well, what can I say – the scriptwriter knew what he or she or they were talking about when they hashed out that line about losing and freedom._

_For 8 months, I'd been clinging on to hope. At least I thought it was hope. I thought I was fighting for my freedom. I knew now I was wrong._

_I found freedom in the most unexpected way. I let go._

_And suddenly I was whole again._

I laughed at the sight of myself, all dressed in white – linen of all things! I couldn't help but feel I was channeling Andy Garcia suddenly. I probably look awfully silly but I couldn't deny it – they felt amazingly comfortable. I was shocked when I felt something tickle against my face – hair! I had hair again! And it was all curly and long – I couldn't remember when last I had hair this long. It seemed ages ago. Well fuck me. I got my hair back.

I looked around me, and realized I was on a white sandy beach that stretched miles and miles, with nothing around me but palm trees and green foliage on one side and sea the color of my eyes that also went for miles on the other side. I had always dreamed of a warm seaside holiday. Perhaps my dream came true finally.

I savored the gentle breeze blowing at my face. I could smell the saltiness and warmth in the air. Beneath me, the grainy, warm sand felt deliciously lovely against my bare feet, just as lovely as the breeze slapping on my skin.

_Laughter. Like the sounds of bells tinkling. But.... sweeter._

I walked along the beach and simply enjoyed my surroundings. It seemed to me that I was walking for miles. Strange that I did not feel tired as I usually did. When I had had enough of walking I decided to sit down on the sand for a bit. It was then that I was able to take a quick stock of myself. I felt hale again. I felt every bit like the 22 year old Jasper earlier at the beginning of the year. I got my hair back. What did that mean then? Was I healed? Or was I dreaming yet again? Funny I never had dreams like this – good dreams I mean. My dreams were usually the morbid, dark kinds.

If this was a dream then it was a good one and I wouldn't mind staying here. I honestly wouldn't mind staying here for a while.

I felt no trace of fatigue or pain anywhere in me. After months of seeing my skin gray and pasty, seeing the color on my skin seemed so… exciting suddenly. I felt the urge to laugh and I did.

Ahh! It was great to be healthy again. The warm breeze hit my face once more and I leaned into it welcomingly.

I didn't realize just how much I have missed feeling this freedom. Just being. No concerns. No worries. I missed it.

It occurred to me then, I could get used to this.

_Bells tinkling in the air – Christmas? No....laughter. Someone laughing._

I still remember the pain. The merest thought of it brought the bitter taste of bile to my mouth and I cringed at the memory of it. And how could I forget the suffering. The constant battle. The baggage that came with the disease. My wasting body from all the treatments.

I was tired of being in pain all the time. Tired of fighting against the fatigue, the effects of the medication. I was tired of fighting the emotional demons. I was tired of all of that.

I could really get used to this.

I laid down on the sand and breathed in the sweet salty air even as the sun warmed my face. Caught in a moment of pure childishness, I flicked my tongue out and tasted the air. Even the air here tasted divine.

Oh yeah... I could definitely get used to this feeling.

It felt wonderful to be this whole again.

I thought of Maggie, of what she said about her being in a better place now.

Maybe…

Maybe it was my turn. Maybe it was time for me to move on to better things, to a better place.

**********

_And there was that laughter again. Who was it?_

* * *

A/N: How was it? I hope it wasn't all over the place. Please let me know what you guys think.


	55. Epilogue: The End of the Tunnel

Disclaimer: Original characters are SM's. I may have made them into mine a little...

A/N: Oh my.. 56 chapters and we are now at the end. To all your readers, and especially those who have reviewed and supported this story to go for as long as it did, from the bottom of my heart thank you. Over 400 reviews, I am so chuffed. This has been a wonderful learning curve and experience. I have grown to love the brothers as much as you all have too - it was as much as a growing "love' for me as it probably has been for some of you readers... ahhh. I hope this epilogue does justice to the story and especially Jasper. Enjoy. And please do send me reviews or PMs afterward. I would like to hear your thoughts!

Summary: Jasper triumphs with the help of his angels.

* * *

**Epilogue: End of the Tunnel**

**Cancer. **

At a glance, barring its meaning, you'd probably say – what an insipid word. Balanced perhaps, but as colorful as a sterile white wall, as wild as a tabby cat. Not exactly a word you'd pick out from a dictionary and go '_wow – fancy_.' I'll go as far as betting that if you were to speed read a sheet of paper filled with a thousand different words, chances are it would have simply disappeared among the many Cs and As and Es. Chances are you're more likely to catch a captivating word like gossamer or halcyon or even the odd sounding 'ennui'.

Cancer? About as bland as baby's food.

Exactly.

Don't let the blandness fool you though.

Don't let the tameness of the letters blind you.

Because behind all that insipid quality – there is terror, pain, anguish, sorrow of the most severe kind. I doubt there is another word in the English language capable of capturing these feelings so completely, so effectively as this 2 syllable, balanced, but bland word.

I know just how true this is because I was marked by it.

************

**_Carlisle POV_**

_6 bloody hours. 6 bloody hours had passed and we were still waiting for the surgery to be done._

_More than just a tad frustrated; a string of profanities that would have Esme shove a bar of soap down my throat had I said them out loud, escaped the editor in my mind and terrorized 'good' Carlisle into hiding. I couldn't give a fuck's ass right now if he disappeared on me for a few millennia. I was getting more and more on edge as the minutes stretched even further._

"_Why is it taking so long Carlisle?" Esme's gentle voice, shaky as it was right now, startled me. It was just the distraction I needed. I turned to look her in the face with every intention to answer but she jumped to her own conclusion instead._

"_Do you think something wrong..…." She couldn't finish her sentence. I cringed as her voice disappeared behind a muffled sob. The distraction had turned into more fuel to feed my raging inner turmoil. I suddenly felt sick from the twisting knot in my gut. Esme looked like a ghostly apparition – her already fair complexion now looking ridiculously translucent while her dark wet lashes only accentuated the contrast of her eyes to her skin. Her big brown eyes, usually a devious, powerful weapon she sometimes used to get me and the boys to do what she wanted; were anything but. They were red, from her constant crying – which seemed to come on every half hour or so, probably triggered from her own dark inner musings. Prompted by that thought, I lifted my head and scanned the rest of my family. Most of them seemed locked in their own little world, just like me. Just like my wife._

_I bit my tongue, stifling a sardonic laugh from erupting out. What a pretty dark family we've turned out to be._

'_What in the hell is wrong with you Carlisle?!'_

_Good Carlisle seemed to have come out of hiding again._

_I was startled out of my inner monologue by Esme's face staring right at me and it occurred to me she must have been waiting for a response from me still. My heart bled for her. My poor wife. _

"_Shhh…honey..it's not that, brain surgeries always take much longer.. because it's so delicate," I lied easily. Dr Mehta has assured me it would probably take about 4 hours, 5 max. But it was now 6. And I'd been watching the needles of my chronograph neurotically since the 4 hour mark arrived._

_Just as my mind was about to dive into the many wonderful scenarios the surgery could have gone wrong, a movement by the entrance distracted, or rather caught my attention. In a snap my eyes were there, hoping it was the doctor. My heart sank when I saw it was just another doc in scrubs passing by. Another surgeon attending another patient addressing another family perhaps. I slumped back into the seat and sighed tiredly. The weariness of the last 6 hours was finally showing through. I could no longer keep up appearances. Pretend that everything was going to be okay. _

_Fuck, my nerves was rattled._

_I was f-ing cursing...I was rattled alright._

_And yet, tired as I was – the tight band that existed between my blades didn't seem to want to let go. My shoulders were tight as a highly strung bow, Achilles could have nocked an arrow from between my blades and it would have flown straight and swift. Unlike the weariness I felt, this tension was different. It wasn't physical. Well, maybe it was – a physical manifestation of the ultimate sin I now carried. A sin that could only be expunged when, and if I see my son and his blue eyes again, smiling at me and telling me all was forgiven._

_I felt a drop land on my open palm at the memory of little Jasper again. Of how he always managed to tug my heart so easily with his dimpled smiled and affectionate soul. He might be all grown up now but that little boy would always be in his eyes somehow and right now I would give anything to be able to see that again. My hand moved quickly to wipe the evidence away._

_Just as I caught Edward and Emmett moving to standing position, their eyes trained at the door. I turned my gaze towards the entrance instantly; the surgery was done – the person we'd been waiting for the last 6 and so many hours was finally here._

_I swallowed thickly at the sight of the smallish doctor looking so… I didn't know.. downtrodden? Casting a quick glance at my wife, she didn't look any better. I looked back up again, only to be flayed by Esme's strangled gasp._

_Dr. Mehta was shaking his head from left to right and left again as he took his surgical cap off._

"_Doctor Mehta?" I said shakily as he neared us. As everyone surrounded me and Esme, hovering for news._

_Please, God… don't tell me my son is dead…_

_Cloudy green eyes looked up at me and I felt my family's entire life flash before my very eyes._

************

At 22, I was diagnosed with a progressive form of blood cancer – Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. Progressive because this kind of leukemia attacks quickly, and if untreated, kills within weeks, months. For a young man who was just starting out; I spent my first four years as an adult with my brothers in California, and only recently moved to New York on my own; being told that I had cancer was the scariest thing I'd ever heard in my life. It wouldn't have been a lie if I said that I was shocked out of my body when Dr. Gray first meted out the death sentence to me. I remembered going home after the news filled with a glut of emotion I couldn't control, couldn't process. Sadness, shock, confusion, anger, rage, hopelessness. The few days I remained in my apartment, it was as if I was watching myself from somewhere outside of my own. It was frightening to be so helpless that I couldn't even function. That, was my first taste of the terror cancer embodies.

************

**_Edward POV_**

_The alarm on my watch beeped at 5 hours. It seemed ages ago. An extra hour had flown by since._

'_Jesus. How much longer was this going to take?' I thought dreadfully and threw a furtive glance at Emmett sitting beside me. He must have sensed me though because our eyes met. I saw worry swimming in his dark brown irises and suddenly felt nauseous – like it was me bobbing up and down in that sea of worry instead. I gulped air desperately and tried to push the bile that had suddenly appeared in my throat down._

'_Breathe Eddie.' _

_I thought I heard his quiet murmur just as I felt his hand on my back. _

'_Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.' My mind droned automatically._

_It wouldn't do if I added more drama to the already high level of tension hovering in this room._

_Seconds, minutes trickled by slowly and just when I thought we were going to be hitting hour 7 soon, the news we had been waiting for arrived at our doorstep._

_I snapped back to attention, on my feet, just as quickly as Emmett did._

_I swear the world stopped spinning on its axis the minute the doctor stepped in._

************

In one day, my world had come crashing down on me, the future I had envisioned – my 10 year plan, laid to waste, dust in the wind.

Suddenly I was chained to the ground with no way of escaping. At least, that's what it felt like a lot of the time. Sometimes when it hit me – this feeling of being trapped, in the sudden and mysterious way that it came and went; I couldn't help but wonder if this was what a man on death penalty feels like. You know your days are numbered and there's no way to run. When cancer hits you have no choice but to change your perspective of what the future will be. For me, 10 years became 12 months. And then, when the treatment began – and it hit me I might not even last 12 months, it became 6 and then 3, and then it was a matter of surviving until the next month arrived. During the worst of times, it came down to weeks and even days and hours.

Maybe you're thinking, I'm just exaggerating.

Why would I do that? Fun and cancer do not go together. Unless you have a morbid fascination with being in pain all the time.

**Pain. **

I think, aside from the fear of my approaching death, it was the untold, intolerable pain associated with this disease that scared me the most.

Technically speaking, most of the pain and suffering that I went through was not directly caused by the cancer itself, but rather by the very treatment of it. Ironic huh? Aside from feeling overwhelmingly tired, bruising all over and bleeding like a vampire, the fuckers didn't give me much pain like a tumor would probably have. To be perfectly accurate, I was in remission less than a month after my initial diagnosis. It doesn't take a genius to grasp the concept of this being a deadly disease just looking at the speed at which the doctors try to contain and stop its progression.

Cancer sucked. I can bet you my life that the treatment sucked worst.

Sometimes much worse that I begged to die.

I did. A few times.

A perfect analogy of cancer is a coup d'etat. It begins with a single cell going out of control. And like the first soldier creating dissent among his peers, which kept unchecked, can ultimately lead to the overthrow of a government; the lone cell stops listening to the command center and starts growing out of control. As it grows, it starts turning nearby cells into its likeness, and pretty soon, the growing colony launches a survival attack on the body in an attempt to gain resources to feed its own purpose – growth. And just like what happened to a once thriving country like Sudan or Somalia, pretty soon, the same thing happens to a body riddled with cancer cells – it starts failing. Without corresponding treatment, it ultimately dies.

This subterfuge 'intel' way in which cancer overtakes control of one's body is what makes it such an aggressive disease that it takes an equally if not much worse counterattack to stop it. Its choice cocktail treatment = chemo therapy. As the name suggests, it's usually a combination of 2 or more types of highly toxic drugs. Because normally just one type of drug isn't enough of an attack, it has to be a multiphase, multipronged approach because these fuckers are clever you see. Anyway, my cocktail, I learned, was a choice antimetabolite + antitumor combo that resulted in extremely horrible hangovers – nausea, puking and the like; and peeling membranes in the worst possible crevices and places you can imagine in your body – my entire gut lining, the inside of my mouth and throat, even my waste tools. I will never ever laugh at a woman when she complains of UTIs – ever again. No, I didn't have a case of UTI, but Jane said it was close to what a UTI sometimes feels like. Peeing razors. Nothing funny about it. Imagine this – you're having to swallow food down a very small tract via contract and release motion, or you're having to pee fluid that has an acidic pH – think weak but still caustic hydrochloric acid. Now imagine that the tract in which that bolus of food has to go through, or that acidic fluid has to run through is raw, red, and abraded. Every swallow, every trickle is accompanied by the most exquisite pain. It's like rubbing rock, grainy salt onto a laceration. Now imagine having to go through that every day for at least two weeks, add nausea and puking your guts out to that, and then repeat every month or so.

Are you feeling my pain yet?

When they say chemo is a treatment, what they don't normally tell you is that it's also a poison. Chemo is not specific enough that it targets only cancerous cells, in fact hundreds, thousands of my healthy cells died as well, which in turn disrupted other vital functions in my body. Because the cancer I had manifested in my bone marrow – where blood, one's life essence is produced; you could say that one of my most vital functions was rendered useless for months. After every treatment, my immunity would crash to practically zero and I would be mortally vulnerable to the weakest of bacteria or viruses. I lost count how many times I fell prey to fever and required round the clock watch and massive doses of antibiotics pumped into my veins from an infection that would have been a total joke had it been Edward or Emmett who got it for instance. Every two days or so, I needed tops ups in platelets and blood, because I wasn't producing enough to protect myself from bleeding myself to death accidentally and I was anemic more times than I ever remembered in my entire 22 years. When a 102 degree fever warrants you emergency, hell no – ICU admission – you just have this feeling that you're fucked somehow.

It wasn't a good feeling at all.

************

**_Emmett POV_**

"_The surgery went well."_

"_Thank God!" I almost yelled, but caught myself in the last minute that I managed to stifle it a tad bit. It still managed to drown the collective sighs of relief from the rest of them though. I caught Edward withholding a smirk because I've never been this vocal about emotion and shit. Oh well, we all have epiphanies I guess this was mine. _

_For a second, when the tiny doctor stepped in and shook his head, I thought that, that was it. Jasper didn't make it. I swear I felt my heart stop beating the same second. Thankfully, Doctor Small realized his error and pacified everyone immediately. _

'_Stupid doctor. Stupid but genius doctor – scaring us like that.'_

_They should really have a SOP made for doctors on what NOT to do when addressing distressed family members. I couldn't understand why the doctors attending Jas seemed to have a problem understanding a shake of the head meant bad news. You'd think they taught the basics of human gestures in medical school…_

_But anyway…_

"_There's good news. As we have suspected earlier, the hemorrhage wasn't caused by an aneurysm, but a leaky vein most probably weakened from the increased intracranial pressure secondary to the encephalitis. We've repaired it and hopefully that will be the last of any hemorrhage for Jasper in the future. Previous patients presenting the same patterns have shown excellent recovery with no long term or permanent disabilities. I'm quite certain that it will be the same for Jasper." The doc said confidently. I saw my Rosie giving Alice a squeeze with her arm, probably trying to rally her spirit which had been quite dismal in the last 12 hours. It was quite painful to see a usually cheerful Alice look so sullen and ..dead. _

"_What took the surgery so long?" Dad asked now. _

_And just like that I saw the confidence that was etched on the doctor's face moments ago disappear like a cloud that went poof!_

_ sighed before he answered somewhat cautiously. "We.. had a bit of a problem halfway through the operation."_

_Gasps sliced through the premature relief. Hadn't we learned anything yet? Nothing ever came without a price. Nothing ever happened smoothly. I guess dad was the only who remembered it – because he had asked the question._

"_What kind of problem you talking about doc?" Edward prompted slowly, his forehead creasing with each word._

"_His BP dropped and his heart went erratic on us for a minute or two.."_

_Edward's face blanched. Dad's worry lines between his eyebrows deepened. Mom's death grip on dad's arm tightened. I was sure I looked as horrified as any one of them._

"_To be totally honest, we were very worried he was going to code on the table. His heartbeat was very weak for a minute. Maybe it was God's grace, maybe it was your prayers – but just when we thought things were getting worse, he stabilized somehow, without much medical intervention from us, which was very fortunate. And we were able to continue without incident afterward. But owing to that we were very careful about going through the rest of the procedure, hence why it took much longer than what we expected… I do apologize for worrying all of you..."_

"_He's in recovery, and they should be wheeling him back to his room shortly."_

_For the second time in less than 10 minutes, we were able to relax and breathe once more._

_Dad and mom thanked the doctor profusely as the hugging began. But just before the doctor excused himself and started to leave, a tiny voice called for his attention, and ours, again._

_It was Alice. _

"_Can…I ask a question?" _

"_Yes?" _

"_Do you know when he's going to wake up?" _

_I didn't know why, maybe it was the way she worded it – maybe it was how her eyes just radiated so much pain; Alice's question left me feeling like I had swallowed my own heart._

"_I'm sorry..miss…."_

"_Alice." She prompted softly._

"_Miss Alice. I wish I can give you an answer to that, but even I have no way of telling.. when..he will wake up… Jasper has been through significant brain trauma..it could take some time.." he said gently. If Alice had listened carefully, she would have noticed the little detail where the doctor's voice trailed off at the end. _

_I didn't miss the words he chose not to vocalize. I hope she did though._

_She smiled. A sincere, even if pained smile._

"_Thank you …for all you've done for him.." she mustered enough strength to respond but her eyes…I couldn't look at her eyes. _

_As if sensing her distress, mom and dad pulled Alice into their embrace and hugged her long and hard. I could tell from the way her shoulders shook, even if her face was hidden from our view, she was crying._

************

As if the physical pain wasn't enough.

Cancer is so insidious that it wants to drain you emotionally and mentally as well.

There were days when I felt so utterly hopeless and bleak that the idea of just ending it with a quick cut seemed…attractive somewhat. There were days when I simply couldn't find the courage and strength to fight anymore. Contrary to what some people might think of me, I don't believe I was ever an emo person, I don't like brooding in dark depressive things – but when death comes knocking, it's not like you have a choice, it's quite impossible to avoid it, you know? But I do admit, I'm more aware and in touch with my feelings and the feelings of people around me than the average Joe – I guess I'm gifted or cursed that way. The mood swings were bad some days and the worst of it was that most of the time, I had no control of it. I had no doubt in my mind it was just another side effect from the mountain of medication I had to take as precaution. It's common knowledge that keeping a positive frame of mind is half of the battle when fighting a disease like this. But when you're already worn out physically, and you still have to channel what little energy you have left into pepping yourself up to remain positive, even when everything around you, in you, screams the exact opposite – sometimes it's…**it's really hard** to keep a smile on. To keep faking it. To keep telling yourself everything is okay or will be okay – especially when you don't believe it yourself because you're fucking scared that you're wrong. There were days when even a smile seemed to sap so much energy, energy I didn't have at my disposal anymore.

And as if your own mental and emotional burden isn't enough; there is still the pain and suffering etched on the faces of your loved ones as well – because I swear my family suffered just as much as I did. And if you think their pain is not yours, or vice versa, you are wrong. Seeing the despair and guilt on my dad's face hurt me just as much as chemo hurt my throat.

And all that – the physical pain, the emotional and mental suffering, the emotional suffering carried by your parents, your siblings, your friends – they all add up. One huge Everest of pain.

A lot of times, the pain became so acute, so overwhelming that it felt like I was being swallowed by a huge wave; and it was almost impossible to see light at the end of the tunnel. And still, I had to keep trudging on. Sometimes, I didn't know which pain was worst – that I couldn't see 'hope', or that I had to keep pushing even though it felt so futile.

I will never forget the pain and the suffering. I can never forget.

I'm forever traumatized by it.

The stuff of nightmares.

************

**_Carlisle POV_**

_Christmas was 5 days away. It was usually a time of celebration and merriment in our home. The boys would have arrived home the week before. Esme would have been busy all week with invites to our Christmas dinner, preparing food, cleaning the house, planning the party and such. We'd have gotten a Christmas tree and boxes and parcels of presents would have littered the floor beneath it. _

_This year though, it didn't even occur to me that Christmas was around the corner until Emmett mentioned it last Sunday. Time had become a bit of a stranger to me since Jasper was admitted. That was a month ago. He'd been in hospital –in ICU, for 30 days now and counting. Out of the 30 days, he was conscious only for 8. I hadn't heard my son speak in 22 days. _

_22 days?_

_The thought brought the ever present ache in my chest to the forefront again. The kind of ache that settled in your bones and just stayed there, lingering, flaring when some thought or something you saw or did triggered it – and then it would drown you, but not so much that it killed you instantly; only to quiet again – but not quite disappearing. Lingering, always there. Waiting for another thought, or action to trigger it._

_I forced the tears and feelings away. The thought of having Christmas dinner without Jasper celebrating with us was too painful to bear. Christmas dinner had always been a double celebration for us every year for the last 18 years, because his birthday also happened to be on the 24th of December. _

'_You're turning 23 son.. how can we have Christmas dinner without you joining us?'_

_I just couldn't bear the thought of going through it._

_I wiped my face hastily even as I observed from outside the window – Edward and Bella in the room, watching over Jasper. _

"_Dad? You okay?" _

_Emmett. I felt his hand on my shoulder as he looked at me concernedly. I quickly sniffed the rest of my tears away and nodded, attempted my best brave face on. I didn't need to ruin the mood for everyone else._

"_Yeah.. I'm fine.. just thinking.. It's nothing," I muttered, and quickly changed the subject before he could prod further._

"_Shouldn't you two be flying back to Texas?" I inquired as we stepped away from the window peering into Jas's room. I was sure Rosie would have wanted to spend Christmas with her family. I wanted to pull my oldest son aside and tell him that they should go when she interjected._

"_Carlisle...it just seems... Jasper's my brother too…it just doesn't feel right for me to be celebrating until he's awake you know? And.. I don't think I'll be able to lie to my parents why I'm so torn up about Jas…I'd rather not put myself through that right now.. besides.. we've spoken to them and it's my first time not celebrating with them so it's not a problem.." _

_I returned her sad smile. For some reason I felt bad that she had to lump with the Grinch family for her first Christmas away from home. It was supposed to be a season of joy after all._

"_We'd love to have you with us Rosie.. although.. I'm not quite sure..how we are going to celebrate it this year…You see… Christmas dinner is usually a birthday dinner for Jasper as well.. we've always…."_

_There was that ache again. My voice faltered, I couldn't continue because a sob had unceremoniously lodged itself in my throat and I was desperately trying to clear it away, to no avail. The upset look on both their faces weren't helping._

"_I'm.. uhmm..I'm…sorry…." I mumbled belatedly and wiped my face hastily again._

"_Dad..we don't have to do anything.." Emmett ushered, his own voice wet with emotion. _

_I shook my head. We could not do nothing. Christmas dinner was still Christmas dinner. _

"_I'll speak to your mom, okay? It's not fair on you kids.. especially you Rosie and Bella and Alice.. you having to spend time away from family at this time of the year..Emmett, you know how he likes this tradition..No.. I'll speak to your mom… we'll come up with something,"_

_Emmett looked at me a little brokenly. I guess I wasn't the only one feeling nostalgic about breaking Christmas tradition. _

************

_Bless Esme. Even when she was busy worrying about Jasper, she hadn't forgotten about the rest of her kids. _

"_I've precooked dinner so you all better be at home eating it…and trying to have some Christmas cheer while you're at it.." She bossed the boys on the morning of Christmas Eve. They had managed to get a Christmas tree somehow and bought decorations to dress it. Presents were bought and were still being bought to litter the floor space beneath it. Perhaps they were trying to make an effort to keep tradition going and I was thankful for that, even if I could not join them wholeheartedly. Not yet._

_I could see the retort forming on Edward's and Emmett's mouths but my wife beat them to it before they even started._

"_I will have no comeback coming from either of you.. not today.." She sounded almost angry. It was enough to make the boys acquiesce without as much as a word. _

"_Please..… Jasper would not want any of you to be sad today… you know how he is.. he's always happiest today....so do it for him, okay?" She pleaded with them, eyes pooling with unshed tears. It was all I could do to wrap my arms around her and squeeze her tiny shoulder for support. She was such a strong woman._

"_Well..what about you and dad?" I heard Emmett inquire with a pout._

"_We're his parents, we get first dibs on spending the night with him.." She replied with a smile instead._

_I stared at my wife – shocked at her choice of words suddenly. She rarely ever used slang, I didn't think she even knew how to use a slang word properly in a sentence. I was impressed. So did Edward and Emmett apparently – at the gawping look they were giving her._

"_What? Just cause I'm so graceful doesn't mean I can't use a slang word or two.." She joked and started making a weird gesture with her hand – like a sliding down motion. I never thought I'd see my wife looking so…spastic. I had to bite my lip just to keep myself from cracking up._

"_Ooookay mom, you're the shiz niz. But let's just keep to the words and not the gestures okay?" Emmett patted her shoulder lightly, shaking his head and rolling his eyes in disbelief. Edward's frame was shaking as he tried to contain his own mirth. Esme stood there grinning like a donkey._

_When she wanted to, Esme could mete out her own brand of 'happy' medication just as effectively as a psychiatrist writing out a Prozac prescription to a patient. Only she was stealthier about it._

_We left for the hospital that evening after dinner preparation was sorted out and we had had an early supper. _

"_We'll come by afterward and bring some eggnog.."_

"_And desserts.."_

"_And Jasper's presents.."_

"_Have a wonderful dinner with the girls, okay?? And please.. try and cheer Alice up? It breaks my heart to see her look so sad.." Esme mentioned again. _

"_We'll see you later.."_

************

_Esme and I spent the evening reminiscing on our sleeping son. It didn't turn out to be so bad as I thought it would be. There had been so many happy memories of him growing up that it shadowed the sad feeling attached to the evening. We weren't the only parents not able to celebrate Christmas dinner properly with family this year, and for some reason that thought made it a little less painful for us to bear. Knowing there were others sharing our pain._

_The kids came round at about 9 pm bearing gifts, desserts and alcoholic beverage. _

"_We thought we should bring the cheer over and share it with Jas and you two..." Rose stated sweetly and hugged us. The spread was laid on the floor immediately._

_I considered ourselves luckier than some. I was able to get permission to allow everyone to be in Jasper's room instead of the maximum two visitor only restriction that normally applied. Having an M.D title at the end of my name and connections helped much. _

"_Hey Jazz.. we all came to wish you a happy birthday baby.." Alice chimed and leaned over to give Jasper a kiss. My heart lifted to hear the slight cheer evident in her voice and I wondered what they had managed to do to make her so._

"_We ended up sharing previous Christmas dinner stories with them…" Edward let slip. _

_Not for the first time today, I felt an easy smile gracing my face again. And once more, I was left thinking if somehow Jasper was with us in spirit and lighting up the room, touching everyone's heart the way he usually did when he was happy. And as Esme pointed out to the boys earlier, today would be one of the days in the year he was often happiest._

"_Wanna share dad?" Edward nudged me lightly on the shoulder before his arm came round and draped over me lazily. We watched silently a slight distance from the bed as Esme, Emmett, Rosie, Alice and Bella started handing and reading the bagful of presents they had gotten for Jasper this year. I almost died at the sheer amount of gifts piling on Jasper's feet. I guess the girls got a little trigger happy shopping._

"_I just got to thinking...maybe your brother's here after all, joining the merriment with us… for some reason, I feel kind of light and happy tonight… and you know how he is the bringer of joy when he's happy.."_

_He didn't answer me instantly but I felt the grip on my shoulder tighten just a little. His face was hung low for a moment but when he lifted them up and turned to face me again, he was smiling and had tears in his eyes._

"_I think he is dad..I think he is."_

_And how right that statement was._

************

And yet…

There is something good to be had from this battle. It's taught me how to live. Moment by every beautiful moment. Oscar Wilde once said that living is one of the rarest things in the world because most people only know how to exist. I guess this has to be one of the greatest lessons I've gained from this journey. There are other blessings, all of them beautiful and wonderful, poignant in their own way. My eyes have been opened to value the real things in life, to see the wood for the trees, so to speak.

We always seem to talk about angels being mystical beings living above the clouds, appearing only when we pray or intent enough. But having gone through hell on earth, well my version of hell – I realized that I already live among angels.

They might not have superpowers although I would contest that for some of them; they may not have splendid wings hidden and unfurled behind their backs, they may not be wearing roman drapes or be brandishing gold stave or horns and such things that angels are supposed to be wielding, but they are undoubtedly the real McCoy.

Mom, dad, my brothers – Edward and Emmett, my sister – Rosalie, my bestfriend and soulmate – Bella, and my personal and best angel – Alice, my love, my life, my moon and star.

************

**_Christmas day_**

**_Alice POV_**

_He woke up last night. Last night! _

_I guess there is a Santa out there. God really did listen._

"_Alice? Honey..Jasper wants to see you sweetheart…" Esme swiveled around, calling at me. There were distinct tear marks lined on her cheeks and her eyes were red from all the crying. But the smile on her face – wide and beaming, overshadowed the not so pretty. It was contagious. I felt my lips curl in spite of myself. The beat of my heart started racing the moment I caught his fingers – moving, calling me. My eyes traveled upwards past his chest, neck and then I saw them. _

_His blue orbs – sparkling, glistening, looking at me, locking with mine. I lost my breath for a moment. I felt a sob hitch in my chest._

_God only knew how much...**how much**…I had missed looking at those beautiful eyes looking at me. And the look he was giving me right now mirrored my very feelings. He missed me too. I was there beside him in an instant, my hand swiping over his cheeks – wiping the tears away the moment I caught them slipping past his barricade of lashes._

'_I love you.'_

_I embraced the silent declaration from his eyes as if they were the rarest gift in the world. No coaxing needed, I climbed over to the bed and leaned in to embrace him fully, savoring the feel of his tears on my skin now. _

_The words in my heart were now begging to be said out loud. I couldn't care less that everyone was here, around us, Esme standing right behind me, Carlisle as well. I needed to say it just as much as I needed him to hear it. _

"_I love you Jasper. I love you so much.. and I've missed you." I muttered through the rush of tears. The smile that broke on his face instantly banished the darkness weighing heavily in my heart. I felt Icarus soaring again, and I was free once more._

"_I love..you too Alice.." he declared again, the words barely a rasping murmur, but still it spoke volumes. Volumes! It was my turn to smile and I smothered him with another fierce hug, raining kisses on his face and lips._

_All was right in my universe again. All was right. My Sun had return to me. The weight I had been carrying on my shoulders for weeks was gone._

************

**_A week or so later_**

"_Thank you…. for coming back to me.." I murmured to him even as our fingers played two steps and catch on his chest again. I felt him turn to face me and I turned to catch those amazing blue eyes staring at me tenderly. _

"_What?" The question left my lips the second I heard him sigh resignedly. My thought process was distracted though by his eyes again. I could never tire swimming in them. They were beautiful. Even more so the emotion he was able to project through them. Right now, I could feel his adoration pouring out, bathing and blessing me as I lay there on his side._

_I smiled and ran my fingers across his temple and cheek. _

"_Your laughter.." He murmured softly. I turned my face even more towards him. What of my laughter? I queried silently._

"_Your laughter is much sweeter than paradise itself." He said simply. _

"_Paradise? You mean…" I stared at him curiously and waited for his explanation._

"_Remember Maggie?..I dreamed of her and she was telling that she was in a better place? Well…I was in this place.. it was a perfect and beautiful beach that just went for miles and miles.. Everything there was wonderful..the breeze was blowing just right, temperature was just perfect, the sand was warm and unblemished white, the sea was the bluest blue I've ever seen in my life… everything was just beautiful ... and I when looked down at myself, I was perfect too – healthy and whole."_

_I didn't know why, but I felt a tinge of sadness hanging on his tongue when he said that he was perfect too – that he found himself healthy and whole. Did he regret coming back? I grasped his hand and held on to it, wanting to comfort him but also wanting to cling to him, afraid that he might want to return and I didn't want that. He smiled and leaned over quickly to kiss me softly on my forehead, as if sensing my worry and was allaying them._

"_I was quite content just staying there..for a while..but then I kept on hearing this tinkling laughter in the air.. I..couldn't place it at first. But it was familiar and every time I heard it, it did something to me..here," as he said the word 'here' he placed our clasped hands on his chest and tapped on it lightly. I felt a tingling warmth spreading from the tips of my toes and the tips of my fingers into the rest of my body. I felt my face curling into a smile automatically and my eyes pooling with salty water._

"_It didn't take long before I found myself cocking my ears, waiting..just waiting to hear it again."_

_My heart tugged ever so slightly at his words._

"_I might have been in a beautiful place.. I might have been whole, but it was nothing compared to what I felt inside every time I heard your laughter. I knew after a while.. I just had to find you again Alice.."_

_I felt his thumb graze the corner of my eye where a tear had unwittingly escaped. There were no words needed between us then. My heart bloomed open and I could have sworn I felt his too. Once again it was just us, locked in a bubble while the world around us fell away. I pulled myself closer to him, and wrapped my legging clad leg over his blanket wrapped ones, my arm rounded his shoulder and over his back. I gazed into those beautiful eyes of his again and poured all my love and adoration to this beautiful angel lying in my embrace now. Would it be too much to say if I felt heaven and earth move above and below us as our lips met? I swear it did._

_If I could survive on his love alone, I wouldn't mind being trapped in this bubble of ours forever. _

_Obviously that only existed in my head, so I settled for hugging him for as long as I could, or until someone came to separate us. If they could. I laughed._

"_There it is again…what's so funny?" He asked, but he too kept his hold on me. I loved the fact that he was unwilling to relinquish me as much I was unwilling to._

"_I was thinking that someone might barge in soon and when they see me doin sumthin sumthin with the patient like this, I'll probably be banned from seeing you… oh well they can try.." I tinkled._

_A light chuckle left his lips. _

"_Mmmmm…my ferocious little pixie... I like it." He teased. I growled teasingly and heard more laughter filling the air above, around us. His. Mine. Ours._

"_Mary Alice Brandon?" He called out as I was still busy being lulled by this wonderful feeling of just 'being' with my angel._

"_Hmm?" _

_I failed to realize he had just called me by my full name. Something he rarely did unless he was angry with me or.. or.._

"_You were saying?" I asked again, somewhat dreamily. The smile on his face was wide as a Cheshire Cat's. The look of pure love and determination on his sapphire like eyes alerted me a little too late._

"_Will you marry me?"_

_I saw, heard fireworks painting the room, the entire Seattle skyline. Hell I saw the earth exploding into the most brilliant pyrotechnic display – cheering me. Us!_

_I gushed. Snot, tears and all. _

_And I said YES._

"_YES. YES. YES! A million times yes!"_

_We kissed again. Taking our time this time. I savored the feel of his full lips between mine. I grinned when I felt his eager teeth pulling at my bottom lip, seeking permission to enter. And I welcomed him. I grinned even wider when I felt his grin on my lips. This.. what we had between us was nothing short of magical. I was sure of it. I had never been as sure of anything in my life as I was of Jasper and of us._

_I saw Stars. Planets. Heavens._

_We would be alright. _

_We would be alright._

_************_

**_1 month later_**

_It still hurt sometimes to have to see him in a lot of pain while he did his PT but between this and seeing him lying still as a stone on the hospital bed, I'd take this any day._

"_Come on baby.. you can do it, one step at a time.." I rallied him and gave my Sun a big happy smile. He was gritting his teeth as he moved one weakened leg at a time towards me and Sandy his PT instructor. As expected the pain disappeared from his face the moment his eyes met my beaming at him._

_The seizure, inflammation and subsequently the surgery, on top of being immobile for a month had left a few motor problems in Jazz unfortunately. Fortunately, it was not too debilitating and with PT, he would be able to correct and overcome it. About a week after he woke up and was able to start moving a bit more, he noticed the slight weakness present in his left hand and leg. The way he couldn't properly squeeze our hands or hold a utensil tightly. And it took a lot more prodding before he could sense feeling in his left leg. I, in fact everyone, had instantly started worrying how he would take this new snag. He left us more than just a little bit surprised. I was expecting him to wallow in sadness or anger, which would have been the normal reaction, but all he did after Dr R made his prognosis, was mull quietly for a few minutes, and then he just jumped right back in and asked when he could start PT._

"_You don't know how happy I am to see Jas like this Alice.. it's ol' Jasper.. before Maria. He's really back.. my brother's back.." Edward slipped this bit of information to me a little later that day. His green eyes were shining so brightly, had I been Bella, I would have melted in front of him._

_For my part, I was just happy that he wasn't taking this badly for once. I was just happy to see him strong and unyielding._

_My strong angel._

_He's improved markedly. If at first he could barely stand without screaming in pain from his leg muscles degenerating so much from the month of non activity, and he could barely move one leg forward without falling; now he was able to walk by himself with the aid of crutches. Healthwise, he was doing wonderfully. Except for the returning headaches, which Dr. Mehta assured us was not life threatening, but somewhat a side effect from the inflammation and surgery. Jasper did not complain much, he took those days like a soldier. _

"_Come my cheerleader..time to go back behind the bleachers and have some fun.." He winked at me once session was over. _

_I laughed at his teasing and laughed even louder when we caught Sandy blushing for us._

"_Well..I don't know about that Jasper… just you be careful there okay?" She warned, just in case. _

_Jazz was joking, but I kind of liked it that despite his rigorous sessions, he was still chirpy._

_In fact he was a chirpy lot these days. I loved it!_

"_You want to take the wheelchair today?" I asked nudging him towards the chair. I kept silent as I let him mull over his decision quietly for a minute, as we sometimes did._

"_Nah.. I'll walk. I miss walking with you. You don't mind walking slowly with me do you sunshine?" He asked, looking down at me from behind his lashes. Damn he looked hot, even flushed as he was right now. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around his sweaty body and kissed his chest. I sighed as his chin rested on my head._

"_I smell baby.."_

"_Nothing like smelly Jazz.." I purred. He didn't smell offensive at all, if that was what he was concerned of. I was rewarded by a hearty, deep laugh that rumbled from his chest. For the 'I don't know how many times cause I lost count after the fiftieth', my heart soared at hearing him so happy and cheerful._

"_You're such a funny child.." He laughed again as I pulled away, still beaming at him._

"_You know you love it…" I winked and slid my arm around his waist and we started walking._

"_That I do my love, that I do.."_

_My happy, cheerful Sun._

_**********_

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Strength not in terms of brute force – but strength in spirit and perseverance, I suppose.

The mere fact that I am able to laugh at myself after a rigorous PT session or after a day battling headaches from hell, tells me I am stronger now than I was a year ago. I feel the difference in myself – subtle as they may be. I see colors more vividly now, the air, feelings around me taste much differently too. Better somehow. It's not all happy and fuck-tastic, no – but there is definitely a little more of HOPE in everything. And what a difference that makes.

To be very corny, I see Alice seasoning my every senses now. She is like my favorite brand of seasoning – a dash of perky, a handful of sweetness, a zest of hope, and a whole lotta love.

If it weren't for this disease, I might have never found my life's 'seasoning'.

Like they said, there is blessing behind every pain. Behind the darkness there is light of heaven to be born.

_************_

**_A Spring Affair_**

_We were married in an intimate ceremony held at the backyard of my parents' home in Forks. When I had first gave her the promise ring, my intention had been to propose and marry her after my one year test came up and if I had the green light, if the leukemia hadn't return. When I woke up, I realize how foolish and selfish it was of me to be doing that, making her wait, wasting our time when we could start at forever now, as she brilliantly put it. It took a near death situation and a dream of paradise for me to see, understand, know, that we belonged together, regardless of circumstances._

_She was the epitome of beauty. A goddess decked in white. I was in tears when she read her vow. If only because I knew she meant every word._

_Beside me were my brothers – my first two constants. Just like Alice, I would be nothing without Emmett and Edward. They were as much part of me as Alice was. _

**_The Tripod_**

"_I guess you beat me after all Jas.." Edward chirped as he took a seat beside me halfway through the function. I was taking a rest from the dancing as my legs were starting to kill me._

_I chuckled, realizing what Alice and I had done. He had proposed to Bella earlier only for us to take the limelight away._

"_You don't mind do you? That we stole yours and Bella's thunder?" I teased. He chuckled heartily in return. I slapped his back._

"_Congratulations Jas. I'm very happy for you. You both deserve each other so much. And today was perfect. Your speech had me in tears bro.."_

_I laughed again at his teasing._

"_Thanks for taking care of Alice.. all that time?" I said again. I lost count how many times I had thanked him for this. I was indebted to him for taking care of Alice when I couldn't. As much as he kept repeating he felt a sense of duty because I had asked him to take care of her before they left for Biloxi, I knew it wasn't that._

"_Enough already.. you've thanked me a thousand times bro.. I didn't do anything but my duty." He mumbled looking slightly offended, although I could hear the palpable wetness behind his voice. _

"_Bull Shit Eddie. It wasn't duty. You did it for love. I can never thank you enough.. for everything." I responded. He knew what I meant. Who I meant. I didn't have to spell it out for him. I knew, he knew – he did it for me._

"_Come here Edward...give me a hug." I asked finally, pushing the sob down._

_He stepped into my space wordlessly and gave me a real one. I could always count on Eddie to give me a shoulder to cry on or a hug when I needed one. He'd always been easy that way._

"_Awww!!!!"_

_We pulled away, frowning in unison at Emmett, who was blocking the light from us with his massive frame._

"_How come I never get invited???" He almost sulked. I bit my lip trying not to break into laughter instantly._

"_One more?" He asked, childlike. Edward grumbled. My body shook from the not so discreet chuckle now escaping my mouth._

"_Aww…what the hell…" Edward finally relented and we got together again for a three way embrace._

"_Aww sweet! Smile kids!!"_

_We groaned. Mom and her trigger happy camera again._

_Tripod. That we were. Forever and Always._

**********

When I was first diagnosed, my initial thought and worry had been that I was going to lose everything. My family. My future. My life. I had begun my journey, my battle – afraid, very afraid. But somewhere in the timeline between then and now, the tables turned and I found strength. In me. And in the people that matter to me most. My angels. It was our collective strength that allowed me to continue to draw breath today. And it is our collective strength that gives me hope to continue to fight for tomorrow. And the day after and the day after. The months and years to follow.

Cancer may have marked me. But the bastard has not won.

In this battle, I have. We have.

I'm a survivor.

* * *

A/N: I hope you have enjoyed it. Again, thank you so much for staying with me and tripod this far! You loyal reviewers - I heart you all! Please hit me with long feedbacks.

XX vampirelover44


	56. Post tripod AN

Many thanks to everyone who has followed and especially you peeps who have R&R loyally. All the loving is soo appreciated. Anyway, just a heads up, I'm redoing Tripod – correcting mistakes – grammar, spelling, contradicting facts ....to make it all a worthwhile re-read ( if you wish, that is). So if you want to read again, wait till it's redone. A week. Also, I'm thinking of doing a tripod outtake /one shot – wee Jas, Emm and Edward and maybe – Carlisle/Jas on Christmas eve ( I love dad son interaction don't you?). If you guys have any other ideas, let me know… so yay, who wants more tripod lovin?

Sorry for using this as a messaging tool. I promise FF, it's the last one!


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